


The Outside Edge

by Ray (RayWritesStuff)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Skating, Angst, Bokuaka - Freeform, Denial of Feelings, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt, Eventual Smut, Everyday Life, Falling In Love, Figure Skater Akaashi, First Kiss, First Love, First Time, Fluff, Gay Sex, Grief/Mourning, Grieving, Ice Skating, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, KageHina - Freeform, KuroKen - Freeform, M/M, Major Character Injury, Minor Shimizu Kiyoko/Tanaka Ryuunosuke, Slow Build, World Figure Skating Championships, daisuga - Freeform, figure skating, figure skating AU, hockey player bokuto, ice hockey, iwaoi - Freeform, lots of fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:07:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 201,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24690535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RayWritesStuff/pseuds/Ray
Summary: Akaashi Keiji is a competitive figure skater, and has been his whole life. Ever since he could remember, he's always been pushed by everyone around him to be great. To never fail. To satisfy his mother's desire of him going to the Winter Olympics.Everything was going fine for him, his routine at the rink with his friends running smoothly. Until one day, the University Hockey team was temporarily moved to his rink. Thanks to his meddling best friend, Akaashi is pushed into introducing himself to well-known hockey star Bokuto Koutarou. His attraction to the wild-eyed and kind-hearted man is almost instant.Akaashi soon finds himself falling all to fast for his liking. Before he could catch himself, he was pushed out of his comfort zone and into worlds beyond. As his new relationship with Bokuto blossoms, he learns that his worth is so much more than his performance, and to accept the haunting truths in his life he's been running from for so long.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Shimizu Kiyoko/Tanaka Ryuunosuke
Comments: 468
Kudos: 722
Collections: Behold the Sacred Texts, maazeesfavs





	1. Chapter 1

Every morning, I am lucky enough to wake up to the oh-so-beautiful sound of a screaming alarm clock. Reminding me I will never have the blessing of sleeping in.

And every morning, I feel a little bit closer to bashing my skull into the headboard. Every bone and joint in my body popped as I rolled over and slapped my hand against the nightstand. When my phone didn't shut off, I hit it again. My bedroom filled with peaceful silence. I could've stayed there all day, cocooned in my blankets without a care in the world. But, unfortunately, I had responsibilities. 

I fumbled my way out of bed and pulled myself to my feet, heading directly to my bathroom. I leaned against the counter top as I took in my disheveled appearance. The suggestion of a hot shower sang to me like the angels of Heaven, but I distracted myself as I reached for my face wash. There was no point in showering before going into the rink- skating with cold hair was just flat-out stupid, and I was about to get sweaty all over again. It really sucks, but I can only shower at night.

My skin tingled from the soap as I patted the water away with a towel. It's probably around 6:00 by now, and I had to pick up Oikawa at 6:45. I didn't have much time to waste, so I shuffled to the kitchen to make some breakfast. I can practically hear coach's voice from way back when, when I was in middle school. He chastised us about nutrition and eating right every day. 

"Lean meats! Fruits and vegetables! Lots of protein! No muscles, no height when you jump!", he would yell. 

Breakfast this morning was fast and easy, just the way I liked it. In no time I had whipped up a lousy omelette with spinach, cheese, and bacon. I hopped up onto the kitchen counter and scrolled through my phone as I ate. A few emails from my teachers. Confirmations for meetings with my sports psychologist. I overlooked all of them except for the one offering a discount at my favorite lunch spot. Everything else could wait until after practice.

My dirty dished were promptly cast to the left side of the sink when I finished-something else that could wait until after practice as well. I sifted through the clutter on the kitchen counter before finding my glasses underneath my coat. When I slipped them on my face and looked up at the clock, the hands pointed to 6:20. The drive to Oikawa's was barely five minutes.

Once I was back in my room, I went about putting on clothes for practice. Since I couldn't be bothered, I went with the first thing I saw- black Under Armour joggers. They were a little loose in the thigh and hip. The calves were more snug, and they scrunched up at the ankle. This style of sweats is the absolute best when it comes to skating- they let me move around, and they kept me warm enough. 

I scan the room for an undershirt and settle on a tight black short sleeved tee. I knew I'd regret not wearing something with more coverage, but I didn't want to waste anymore time. I snatched up my jacket and stuffed it into my backpack before gathering up the rest of my things.

The clock underneath the car radio blinked 6:45 right as I pulled up in front of Oikawa's apartment. I considered shooting him a text, but the passenger door flung open before I could even reach for my phone.

"A-kaa-shiiiiii...!" 

My hand flew out and connected with his face as he leaned over the center console. He struggled against me for a moment before gathering himself up into the seat next to mine. A sparkly blue cup was placed into the cup holder by my knee. I picked it up and put the straw to my lips. Oikawa may be really annoying sometimes, but he was still a great friend. Free coffee was the only perk from picking him up for practice, however. 

When I finished drinking, I set the cup down and began maneuvering us out of the parking lot. "It's way too early for your bullshit," I grumbled.

"Oh, whatever, you big grump. How's the coffee?"

The ice inside the cups clacked together as we drove, filling up the small pockets of silence. "It's good, like it always is."

Oikawa beamed at me, flashing a smile that made me want to wipe it right off his face. How I managed to deal with him so early in the morning, I would never know. We drove in a comfortable silence to the rink. He threw out a few sassy comments here and there in between bites of his granola bar, but I didn't talk much. All I could think about was the day of training ahead of us. I already knew my programs well, but that didn't stop me from worrying.

I was turning into the rink parking lot when Oikawa poked my cheek with a cold finger. "You're getting all quiet. That means you're worrying."

I eased us into my usual parking spot by near the front doors. "And your point is?", I replied. He rolled his eyes at me as he unbuckled himself to shimmy into his coat. "My _point_ is that you're worrying too much! You're skating as perfect as usual. If you had to compete tomorrow, you'd be just fine. For the last time, Kaash, give yourself some room to breathe!"

It sounds a little cocky, but I knew he was right. Not a day has gone by where I haven't work diligently with my choreographer. Both my short and my long program were learned completely. But that didn't mean I could take it easy. I have to improve every day. Rest was not an option. 

Oikawa stuck his tongue out at me from the other side of the car. I fought back the urge to slap my best friend and busied myself with unloading our stuff. I put the strap of my backpack over my suitcase handle so I could juggle my phone, keys, and jacket in my free hand. Without waiting for Oikawa, I headed by myself to the front door.

Of course, he was right behind me a few seconds later. He squeezed himself next to me as we walked through the front door like his life depended on sticking his nose in my ear. "Come on, Kaashi-kun, you know I'm right!", he cheered. I ignored him as I approached the front desk. Konoha greeted us with a tired smile from behind the counter. 

"Tired already?", Konoha joked as he passed me the keys. I glared back at him for a moment and swiped up the lanyard. "Shush. Not everyone can be energetic this early like you two." I muttered. That earned a laugh from the two other men in the room, but I once again ignored them and went ahead out of the lobby. 

The locker room was a pretty creepy place when the lights weren't on yet. I was in the process of unzipping my suitcase when a heavy BANG! sounded through the room. 

I let out an almost theatrical screech at that, looking around frantically for the source. Oikawa's lanky frame stood in front of me shortly after. The smirk he had on his face looked quite slap-worthy. Seriously, how had this man never been beaten up yet?

"You sounded like a banshee!" he cried, doubled over in laughter. But I kept my cool. There was no use wasting my precious energy reprimanding him. I fished my skates out of the bag and set them down on the bench before unpacking everything else I'll need for the day. 

After a few more attempts of getting me to crack, Oikawa finally gave up and settled next to me to unpack. I grabbed my foam rollers and was about to shut the suitcase when he turned to me and spoke again. 

"You know I'm not trying to be an asshole, right? About what I was saying earlier," he began. 

"You _are_ an asshole." I deadpanned.

"Oh, shut up, will you?!"

He shoved my shoulder lightly. But when he looked at me again, his brown eyes were full of concern. He stood up, bringing me to my feet with him. "Look, Kaash. You're an amazing skater, talented and hardworking. But you push yourself so hard sometimes, and... well, we worry about you. Just don't be so hard on yourself all the time, okay? You're ready."

Oikawa pulled me into a hug, my feet almost tripping over the bags in between us. But I can't bring myself to struggle. I let my head fall on his shoulder.

"Everything has to be perfect. That's how this sport works, and you know that. And if I'm not..."

He didn't let me finish the sentence as he shoved my head into my jacket. "What your mom has to say doesn't matter right now! She can't be bothered to care, and she's not here. If you mope anymore today, I'll tell coach you were trying to do quad loops behind his back."

I shot a glare up at his face and pushed him away. "He wouldn't believe you," I bluffed.

"Wanna bet?"

The urge to snap back bubbled up in my stomach, but I forced it back down. I slung my backpack over my shoulder and started towards the exit. Oikawa knew me too well, and used that to his advantage. That ass knew exactly how to push my buttons. But I wasn't actually mad at him. He was my best friend, and was only looking out for me like he always does. He was annoying sometimes, but that's just par for the course with him. I didn't really mind.

By the time Oikawa and I got upstairs, it was around 7:20. Off-ice started in ten minutes. I barely had time to set my things down properly when I got to the warm-up room, because I had to drop everything to catch the flaming orange ball of energy hurling itself into my arms. I took a step back to steady myself and threw my arms around him in a frantic attempt to keep him from crashing into the ground.

Hinata squealed with joy. His arms were around my neck in a damn-near choke hold as he clung to me. Small legs were secured tightly around my waist. 

"Akaashiii!!" he cried. For a moment I thought he was _actually_ about to cry. It had been a whole one day since we'd seen each other, but this was pretty much how every Monday morning played out. I let him hug me until he was satisfied before peeling him off my body. "Good morning, Hinata-kun," I greeted him calmly. 

Hinata may be a couple years younger than us and be skating a level below us, but that didn't stop him from possessing some scary-good jumping power. I had to put my hands on his shoulders to prevent him from accidentally headbutting me in the chin. Another body approached me from behind, and I turned around to meet warm brown eyes and a smile that never failed to make me feel better.

Suga reached out, a hand straightening out my glasses. A brown paper bag occupied his other one. "Hinata.." he began. His voice was so calm and even that it was borderline terrifying. The short man leapt backward, cowering behind me and clutching my tee shirt.

"S-sorry Suga-san! I'm just really happy to see everyone!" Hinata squeaked.

Sugawara snaked an arm around me, catching Hinata by the collar. The smaller man tried to run, but to no avail. Suga had his little body tossed over his shoulder a moment later.

"Sorry about that, someone accidentally drank coffee this morning," Suga laughed. He held up the paper bag he was holding and shook it back and forth. "I made more muffins!"

Despite having already ate, my stomach grumbled at the though of Suga's offer. He was the master of making healthy baked goods. Being on a strict diet before competition season was dreadful, but leave it to him to find a compromise. 

Oikawa, Hinata, Suga and I all sat down in a circle on the floor. As each of us spread out to stretch out into middle splits, Suga whipped out paper plates from God knows where and dispersed the muffins. Everyone set theirs down in front of them for a moment apart from Hinata, who inhaled his so fast I question whether he even tasted it or not.

I was preoccupied watching Oikawa defend his muffin from Hinata's mouth when my attention was brought to the door clicking shut. Another small body in maroon sweatpants and a navy-blue long sleeve tee padded up behind my after tossing their things on one of the tables.

"Good morning, Kenma," I hum, bringing my feet together in a butterfly stretch to stretch out my hips. Kenma pressed his forehead into my back, remaining there as I leaned forward. He mumbled something I could only make out as the word "cold", and I laughed out loud. I dragged him into the space next to me and slid my muffin into his hand.

When he looked at me funny, I pressed it closer to his chest. "I know you didn't eat, so I'm not letting you go till that's gone." 

Kenma didn't argue. Instead, he turned his back to me and dug a small bag out of his pocket. I took out the hairbrush and combed through the long strands of brown and yellow. Once it was detangled, I gathered up a small section of hair and carefully began weaving the Dutch braid. I had this down to a science now from all the years I've been doing it. I usually only braided Kenma's hair for competitions, but he'd let me do them on occasion for practice. 

The braid ran around the left side of his head. I ended it just by his ear before gathering the rest of it up into a neat ponytail. With a gentle pat on the back I signaled to him I was done. A few minutes later, Suga hopped up from his spot on the ground. He made his way over to the large window that overlooked the rink. The glass was cold to the touch and fogged up a bit from his breath.

From my spot, I watched Suga as I leaned down and stretched my hamstring as deeply as I possibly could. My curiosity was officially peaked when a smile curled his lips and he got a dreamy look on his face. I was about to call out to him when Oikawa all but sprinted to the window and pressed his face to the glass. 

"Oh, God, he's gorgeous! Just look at him!"

My head threatened to start pounding from the whining. I stood up straight and glared at him. Then it dawned on me why exactly those two were staring at the windows. My stomach dropped. 

I couldn't hear the shouting from outside the rink that usually comes along with the hockey team, but I didn't have to to know that they were down there. I internally screamed as I covered my face with my hand. The Tokyo Metro Ice Rink is one of the most well-known ice rinks in the country. I've been training here ever since I was fourteen. If there was anything I'm grateful of my mother forcing me to do, it was moving here after I competed in the Youth Olympics. The facility not only housed some of the most top-notch coaches money can pay for, but also two separate rinks. And of course, _the hockey team._

Just _look_ at him!" Oikawa sang. "I'm in love."

Next to him, Suga chuckled and shook his head, but his eyes never left what(or who) he was staring at."You say that, but every time you get a chance to talk to him you run off with your tail between your legs," He teased. Cautiously, I took a step closer to peer down at the ice. 

The team had already pulled off their masks and heavy gear, gathered up by the wall. An older man with bleached blonde hair pulled back my a headband was talking to them. Some were in tee shirts, and some were in hoodies. All of them looked equally sweaty. 

Tokyo's National youth team was exactly what you'd expect it to be- a herd of loud, sweaty apes. Usually they'd be training in the other rink, and I was quite content with not having to interact with any of them. But about a month or so ago, the refrigeration system in the other rink decided it was a great time to stop working. It was shut down for repairs. We had to share the ice now.

I can't deny that the team acted rather kindly when they offered to make their practice earlier in the morning. That way, us figure skaters had more uninterrupted time on the ice. That didn't stop some of the them from staying to mess around, however.

At my side, a head of blonde hair appeared. Kenma leaned his full weight into my side, and I tossed an arm around his shoulder. I half-expected him to be behaving like the other two lovestruck idiots since his own boyfriend was down there. "Don't you wanna watch Kuroo?" I said playfully. Kenma sighed loudly and tapped away at his phone. "I'll see him later," he began. His nose scrunched up as he added, "...and he'll be all gross." 

Judge me all you want, but really don't know shit about hockey. I never really had a reason to learn, let alone much of an interest. With Kenma attached to my hip I came to stand in between Sugawara and Oikawa. "Who are you two so obsessed with?"

Oikawa let out a squeal that I could only describe as kin to a fangirl's. He jabbed a finger eagerly in the direction of someone who I recognized as Kenma's boyfriend, Kuroo. He looked angry, thick eyebrows drawn together. He had spikey brown hair and serious green eyes. On the back of his hoodie was a number four. Above the number was the name "IWAIZUMI"in bold letters. I turned to Suga and gave him a look that asked the same question.

Suga's approach was more shy than Oikawa's. He motioned for me to look at the man standing on Kuroo's other side. Short brown hair adorned his head, accompanied by brown eyes. He was a bit shorter than everyone around him, but that didn't make him any less intimidating. His hoodie had the number one on it. "Sawamura Daichi," Suga swooned. I rolled my eyes at him when he looked my way. 

"I can't believe all of my friends are drooling over _hockey players,"_ I joked. Out of all five of us, I was the only one who had never so much as introduced myself to any of those guys. I avoided them like the plague. I'll admit that a lot of them are probably really nice people, and probably very attractive (when they were clean), but the last thing I needed right now was to be head over heels for some brute that has the emotional intelligence of a walnut. And of course, the cherry on top- possibly falling for someone who isn't even gay. That's always fun.

Since our session was moved back, the five of us had some time to kill now. When I glanced up, I noticed that Hinata was gone. We'd have to find him eventually. For now all I could do was pray he stayed out of trouble. "Hey, Kenma.." I called out.

His head popped out from underneath my arm, wearing an expectant expression. "Is the boy that Hinata's been dating on the hockey team, too?"

He shook his head a few times. "Kageyama-kun plays volleyball." he answered.

My eyes wandered around the room for a few moments, but after a while I couldn't handle observing this. A small pang of jealousy hit my stomach. Don't get me wrong here, I'm really happy for my friends. I love seeing them have feelings, and I love seeing them being openly out and living happily. But I've never gotten to experience that. Or, well, anything relationship related.

I am well aware of how gay I am. I've come to accept myself. Though the only other people that I've trusted with that information are all in this room, minus Hinata. My mother doesn't know, and it's not like I have any other family that I see often to hide it from. I don't have many regrets in life. But not telling dad before he was gone was one of them.

However, none of that really pertains to how much of a novice I am to relationships. I've never kissed anyone, held their hand, had a boyfriend or girlfriend. And that's all been just fine with me until recently. As my friends got into relationships and developed crushes, I've found myself wondering what it would be like with a boyfriend. Maybe it'd be nice.

But I shut that mess down quickly every time. Like right now. I tug Kenma off my body and march over to an empty corner of the room. I flushed all previous thoughts out of my mind. Dreaming about something I'll probably never have won't make me any better of a skater.

I took a deep breath in. I spread my arms, bending my knees slightly in preparation. I sprung off the ground in a powerful jump and hugged my arms against me as I rotated one, two, three times. When I landed, my arms came out again and I landed with both feel on the ground again. Warming up rotations was crucial. If I get distracted at a time like this, it could result in injury on the ice. The light noise of my friends chattering filled my ears. Squeezing my eyes shut, I work through the rest of my warmup.

I was so focused on warming up that I failed to notice the other three people in the room moving around me. Oikawa was warming up his ankles, jumping slightly to mimic a leap on the ice and landing on one foot. Suga was doing jumping jacks off to one side. Next to me, Kenma was finishing up jumping rope. Since we couldn't run laps around the rink with the hockey team there, we made do with extra cardio in the off-ice room. 

Oikawa was the first to notice my pinched expression. He strolled up to me and pouted. "What?" I asked.

"You still look like you're thinking. So, to ease your mind, I have decided that we're gonna find you a hot hockey-player boyfriend!"

My jaw dropped open as I gaped at him. "Excuse me?" I squeaked. Before I could ask anymore questions, the door was flung open. Hinata bounded up to us. He wore the jacket he normally reserved for hanging around the rink, and his nose was red. Did this idiot _really_ go out there? I glanced out the window. The hockey team was still very much there.

"Anyways!" Oikawa cheered with a clap of his hands. "I'm gonna introduce you to some of the players. Long story short- you'll fall in love, get swept off your feet by your very own Prince Charming, and you'll stop glaring all the time!"

"I do _not_ glare all the time," I argued while glaring at him, _Oops._

I shook off the shock and faced him properly. "I don't want a boyfriend right now. I _can't."_

Oikawa ignored my protest and dragged me to the other side of the window. "Sure you can!"

"Oikawa, no."

"Please?"

" _No."_

"Ugh, at least just look at them and see if you think any of them are cute!"

For a moment, I considered his offer. Just looking wouldn't really hurt, would it? Looking didn't require talking to anyone, or meeting anyone knew. And appeasing Oikawa meant no more whining for the rest of the day. Yeah, a look seems okay. "Alright," I sighed. "But that's it. You will not be introducing me to anyone."

With a delighted look on his face, Oikawa stood behind me. He pointed to each player, telling me their names. He skipped numbers one, three, and four, saying that they were all "off limits." I reassured him that I wouldn't be attempting to steal hid, Suga's, or Kenma's man.

Oikawa was babbling at a mile a minute, and I couldn't hang on to what he was saying. It wasn't that it was hard to understand him, I was used to this. I just couldn't bring myself to focus on a bunch of guys I found no interest in. 

"And that one over there, with the dyed piece of hair in the front! That's Nishinoya Yuu. He's the goalie! And that over there.."

The last thing I expected to happen was one of the hockey players to look up. Right at me. Even from this distance, my knees felt weak as golden eyes as wide as an owl's shot up. I swallowed the lump in my throat. I tried so hard to look away, but he held me right there. Was he really looking at me? Or was it something else? Surely, he couldn't see me from up here.

"Oikawa, who's that?"

My voice sounded so quiet and weak that I barely recognized it as my own. This isn't my voice. I snapped out of it and asked again louder. I didn't dare point, considering he was still looking at me. 

When he popped up at my side, the man finally looked away. I saw someone wave at him- Daichi, was it?- and he skated off with a wide grin on his face.

"Oh my gosh, he was looking right at you! Kenma, Bokuto-san was looking at Akaashi!" 

Oikawa was practically dancing next to me, though his energy couldn't even begin to compare to Hinata's. The little man shot up several feet into the air and cawed in excitement. His eyes were bigger and brighter than ever. Before he could manage to hurt himself, Suga grabbed his forearms and rooted him to the floor.

"That's my friend! Akaashi-kun, you should totally come with me and meet him!" Hinata said excitedly. 

At this point, my jaw was pretty much on the floor. _"Absolutely not!"_

Was Hinata out of his mind? Well, probably. I had to get out of here before someone dragged me into something I'd regret. Without a word, I sidestepped the three people in front of me, snatched up my skates, and stormed out of the room. There weren't many places I could go that didn't cross paths with the hockey team. I settled on ducking by the bleachers on the end farthest away from the team. They'd exit on the other side. _Hopefully._

I plopped down on the ground and tugged my sneakers off. I was determined to focus on skating and skating alone. That's why I was here. Anyone could get flustered by a person when they're stared at like _that._ I'd forget about him in a week, tops. The other rink would be repaired, and I'd never have to see him again.

"You plan to skate without a jacket?" 

Kenma plopped down next to me on the bench, kicked off his sneakers, and dropped my grey fleece into my lap. When I peered down at his feet, I noticed he had both of our on-ice bags with him. What would I do without Kenma?

I pulled the jacket on over my head, zipping up the quarter zipper all the way. "Thanks, Kenma."

Kenma tugged on his laces once more, ensuring they were tight enough. "You know," he said. "Now that Shoyou knows you like one of his friends, you won't be able to hide forever."

"Can't wait," I muttered. My tone dripped with sarcasm. 

"Bokuto-san is a nice person. He's good friends with Kuroo."

The curiosity that his words drew out of me made me twinge with anger. _You're not here to catch feelings and get rejected,_ I scolded myself. I had no time for a relationship. Yes, Bokuto was very noticeably attractive. But I couldn't allow myself to get too interested. I'll just admire from afar and move on like I would usually do. Besides, Bokuto is probably straight as an arrow. I had to accept I had no chance, and ignore the disappointment it made me feel. 

Then, I recalled Hinata'a tendency to talk a bit too much. 

My eyes felt like they were about to pop out of my head as I clapped a hand over my mouth. "Y-you don't... you don't think Hinata would out me to him on accident, right?" I stammered.

Kenma looked at me blankly. My heart felt like it was about to gallop right out of my chest.

"We should probably catch him and tape his mouth shut... unless, of course, he's already said something." 

_Oh, fuck._

**

For the next two days, I was successful in avoiding any and all things related to the hockey team. Wednesday was the easiest, since their training wasn't on the ice that day of the week. I only had to stay hidden Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. They were off somewhere else the rest of the week.

Unfortunately for me, today was Thursday. 

It had already been three days since I had experienced the world's strongest eye contact from Bokuto across the rink, and somehow I was still feeling the affects. I managed to push any lingering thoughts about him down until Tuesday, when I had sneaked past to get to the locker room.

As I cowered behind the wall, my eyes were glued to him. He rushed across the ice with an oddly captivating mix of brute force and agility, keeping the puck close with the stick. I felt myself hold my breath as he approached the goal, drew the stick back, and took the shot. It flew right past the Nishinoya the goalie's reach and directly into the net.

"HEY HEY HEYYYY!!!!" Bokuto chanted. He held the stick over his head and smiled so wide I thought his face would split wide open. It was a very adorable smile. But the way his muscles flexed under his tee shirt made it intimidating at the same time. I shot out of the rink and down the hall silently and fled to the locker room.

Two days later here I am, still blushing about it. The heat on my face made me want to run and hide all over again. If I was feeling like this now, what was gonna happen when I actually had to _talk_ to Bokuto? Oh, I was done for. I temporarily removed those wild eyes from my memory as I threw the rocker guards off my blades and stepped onto the ice.

The minute my blades were on the ice, nothing could stop me, not even the small crown of hockey players near the opposite edge of the rink. I would skate around them if I needed to and keep my distance. Not even a really hot dude could stop me now. 

Part of me impulsively pleaded to get right into jumps. I itched for the feeling of snagging my toepick in the ice and taking off. I wanted the dizzying intensity as I spun, and ice shavings that I kicked up on the landing. The idea was as stupid as it was tempting. If Coach were here, he'd be telling me off before I even initiated a jump. 

I stuck to a few laps of crossovers to satiate my need for movement. As I picked up speed, I dug into the back of my blades with my feet. One stroke on the outside edge of my right blade. The inside edge of my left. I held my left arm straight up in front of me, and my right extended straight out to the side. Such a simple move, an elementary skill for figure skaters that usually is the very first part of a warm-up on the ice. Yet at the same time it never failed to me with a powerful feeling. I can fly on the ice. No one can stop me or judge me here.

After a few laps of forward crossovers, I turn my head and shift around in the middle of a lap into a backwards crossover. Deeper and deeper I push my foot on the inside of my blade. I fly through a few more laps until I ease up and allow my momentum to fade. I change my direction to the middle of the rink. I do a few more crossovers before lifting up one of my legs. I skate in a small circle before I whip myself around and press into a spin on one foot. As I ease my free foot down to cross it over the one on the ice and bring my arms in, I rotate even faster. After a couple of seconds I come out of the spin lifting one leg and holding my arms straight out as I glide out.

It felt way too good to do that. The exhilaration slowly drained out of me as I approached the wall where my friends were kicking off their own guards.

"You have the prettiest scratch spins ever, Akaashi-kun!" Hinata gasped with an amazed expression. He was jumping up and down with one leg on the ground and one leg on the ice in front of me. Standing behind him were Oikawa and Suga, wearing similar expressions. I dropped my eyes to the ground as I turned my feet outward slightly to come to a stop in front of them. A snowplow stop isn't the prettiest move out there, but that didn't matter right now. "Oh, thanks.." I mumbled quietly. 

If someone were able to peer inside my head at the moment, they wouldn't ever assume that the person they saw there was the person I looked like on the outside right then. I was bubbling up in embarrassment behind my calm facade. I've never been able to take compliments well. I envied the people who can take them so smoothly, say thank-you and move on. All I could do is kick at the ice halfheartedly and mumble something inaudible.

"It's just a scratch spin," I try to argue. "Nothing too... d-diff.. difficult..."

My words froze in my throat. On the other side of the ice, the few remaining hockey players were packing up their things, no close enough to see what anything that had just happened. But one of them stood right in front of me, a bag slung over his shoulder and his wrist trapped in Hinata's hands. His grey and white hair was a mess atop his head, a few pieces flat and a few sticking out from wearing his helmet.

Bokuto's eyes held onto mine so intensely, I didn't notice when I had slipped over my own two blades on the ice and landed flat on my butt. 

"Woah, are you alright?" Bokuto called out. He had already taken off his hockey skates, but that didn't stop him from carefully stepping out onto the ice. He grabbed me from underneath my arms and hoisted me up like I weighed nothing. My face went red-hot. 

"L-let go of me!" I stuttered as a squirmed in his grip. Without hesitation he put me down, but a hand flew up to my shoulder. "Don't worry, I fall all the time too." He laughed. His voice was sturdy and playful. It made my heart flutter.

I pressed my weight into the front of my blades to slide backwards on the ice, putting some distance between us. My hands fidgeted with my gloves absentmindedly. 

When I stole a look up at him, I met an eager gaze that held me right in place. There was no way to hide the red that had spread all the way to the tips of my ears. 

He took a step closer without breaking eye contact. This time, my legs felt like lead, and I couldn't push away again. He was literally _standing_ on the ice without skates, yet there was no trace of doubt or hesitance in him. He pulled one hand from the pocket of his joggers and held it out to me. With a smile so bright the white beneath my feet looked dull, he spoke again. 

"I'm Bokuto. Are you Akaashi? Hinata wanted to introduce me to you. But I saw you skating, and I didn't feel like waiting any longer to meet you! I hope you don't mind."

Is it normal to hear your own heartbeat? Should I be worried? 

My hand shook as I placed it in his. He felt warm. Now that I was up close to him, I could really see hid build. Bokuto's shoulders were broad and strong-looking, connected to thick arms and a wide chest. He wore a long sleeved dry fit tee, and it took all my willpower to not stare at the muscle stretching the dark fabric. I wasn't even gonna look at his legs. If I did, I was sure I'd combust on the spot. 

"Are you okay, Akaashi? Did I do something to make you uncomfortable?"

Funny, caring, hot, _and_ respectful?

Where should I have my ashes scattered when I'm cremated?

I shook my head furiously, the motion making our arms swing a bit. Bokuto snorted and steadied me with his hand on my shoulder. Words were not an option at this point for me. Just mortifying stuttering noises.

Another laugh. Was this Heaven? I didn't have time to ask, because he had already stepped back onto solid ground. Forgetting I was on ice, (which I have NEVER done,) I walk after him and slip again. Luckily this time I catch myself. 

"It was nice meeting you, Akaashi-san! I have to go for practice, but I'll come back to see you soon!" Bokuto momentarily turned his back on me to pick up his bag. He flashed me a wide grin over his shoulder and waved. "Don't fall too much while I'm gone! I won't be here to catch you."

"Bo, get your fat ass over here! We gotta go run!" a voice called. It came from Kuroo a few meters away, who wore a shit-eating grin from his own joke. Kenma stood next to him, face buried in his phone. 

He waved at me again, more sheepishly this time. "By, Akaashi."

With that he was off, following behind Kuroo. I turned to Kenma, staring at him dumbfounded. He looked up with his usual flat expression, and I was on the verge of screaming. 

"Kuroo likes to make fun of Bokuto's butt being big."

The moment the lobby door slammed shut behind the boys I slapped my gloved hands to my mouth and let out a screech. Oikawa sidled up to me on the ice. His mouth was turned up in his usual asshole smirk. "Well, gentlemen," he sang when he turned to face our friends. "Akaashi Keiji has a crush!"

Suga, Hinata, and Oikawa burst into a fit of cheers and laughter. Even Kenma was smirking too! I could feel the color drain from my face as I stared at them like an idiot.

_Well, shit._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey all:) sorry if updates over the next week are kind of slow. im dealing with some family issues and have to travel quite a bit, but i'll be responding to any comments and posting as much as i can throughout! thanks to everyone who's given this work a chance
> 
> also sorry that this chapter is a little bit heavy! I'm not very good at writing angst but uhh here you go?

To say that I was out of it after my unexpected introduction to Bokuto would be the understatement of the year. 

For a few moments I balanced on the ice shocked, spluttering incoherent noises while my eyes felt like they'd pop right out of my head. _That_ was embarrassing. I wasn't exactly hoping to fall on my ass in front of the guy that was so hot it left me speechless. 

Oh, God, was he gorgeous. That smile paired with that crazy dyed hair? So good, it should've been illegal. His face didn't leave my mind once as I went through the motions of training. I was so dazed, my efficiency and skill went right out the window along with any remaining ability I had to focus. Coach had absolutely grilled me during the run of my free program. And don't even get me started on the second session of the day. I fell out of almost every single jump, nearly hit a wall coming out of a spin, and even forgot to take the guards off my skates before getting on the ice. I haven't made this many silly mistakes at once since I was a novice skater. Whatever the hell was wrong with me, I couldn't tell you.

Well, actually I could. Bokuto was wrong with me.

Friday was just as excruciatingly slow as Thursday. When my alarm violently yanked me out of the sweet void of sleep, I slapped the screen so hard I was shocked it didn't crack. Just my luck, too- I had it set an hour earlier than I needed it for today.

I moaned something similar to a whale giving birth as I rolled around on my mattress. Suga was treating us all to a breakfast he insisted on bringing to the rink for the squad this morning, so there was no good reason to get up just yet. Oikawa would have a coffee waiting for me too when I went to pick his annoying ass up. 

This week, Oikawa had definitely earned himself extra brownie points for the title. Sticking his nose right into my business as usual, making me screw up basic human functions by showing me hot hockey boys. The teasing commenced as usual, but he was relentless yesterday especially. 

Promptly after I fell out of a combination spin and hit the ice, that lanky jerk glided right up to me with an impish grin. He tugged me to my feet and got right down to it.

"Oh, come _on,_ Akaashi-kun! Are you really so lovestruck that you've lost all your grace? I'll have to introduce you to hot guys more often, then maybe I'll place ahead of you next time!"

My eye twitched as I repressed the urge to send him packing across the rink with one swift kick to the ass. Between him taunting me and coach calling me out, I was withering away from embarrassment. But some of Oikawa's ridiculous teases held some truth, no matter how reluctant I was to ever admit that. I couldn't let being flustered by some jock that had probably forgotten my name by now to invade on my work. I'm a goddamn World Champion skater. I've competed on ice in countries all over the world, with thousands of pairs of eyes on me all at once. So why am I letting one single pair wind me up now?

A single, very captivating pair. I've had my fair share of run-ins with intense people, but none have ever made me falter like Bokuto. Ever since he waltzed right into the rink and caught me warming up that morning, I became hyper-aware of every stroke I took. Now that I knew at any time that could happen again, I obsessively worried about making my each movement perfect.

Unfortunately, in the world of performing, that's the last thing you would want. Being too tense is known to throw performers of all levels out of whack time and time again. That plus Thursday morning's events replaying in my head like a broken record concocted a recipe for disaster.

There was really only one way to fix it. I had to get Bokuto the hell out of my head. But, why didn't I want to? And why did the gloomy aura of disappointment spill into the pit of my stomach when I thought that? 

I wondered what Bokuto was feeling right now. _Probably nothing about you,_ my low self esteem suggested. 

Leave it to me to snuff out any spark of confidence I'll ever get. 

My alarm had apparently decided it had enough of watching me wallow, because it let out another round of screeching that made my head pound. I silenced it again and mustered up enough willpower to roll my body out of bed. I was basically drowning in the fabric of the large grey hoodie I'd slept in, and I was very much okay with that. I trudged up to the full length mirror propped up against the wall. My hair wasn't too wild, tamed with a few pats and such from my hand. 

The rest of me, though? A mess. 

Everyone at the rink would have to live having to look at said mess for a day, however. _Beauty,_ my ass. I didn't need to look presentable while skating unless there was a judge anyway. I wriggled out of the hoodie to put on a tight sleeveless tee, then pulled it right back on. I opted for a pair of black athletic tights that matched my tee when the standard of appearance for my sport was too strong to completely refuse. The hoodie was slouchy looking, yes, but no one was here to yell at me. _How about that, mom?_

It would be my personal indirect "screw you" to her strictness for the day.

Okay, okay, I know it probably seems really bad that I said that about my mother. I loved her very much, as she was my mother. But for the past twenty years of my life, her absurd standards remained alive and kicking. She was an absolute control freak while I lived in my family home. Thanks to her, I had no friends outside the rink, and little to no outings with them outside of practice. There was no such thing as a lazy day or sleeping in. She was even harsher of a critic than my freaking Olympic judges.

The day I moved out I tore away the seams of her perfectly groomed doll. Best decision I've ever made.

I shoved my feet into my sneakers before rounding up my things and headed out to pick up Oikawa.

When the car door opened and a disgustingly cheery Oikawa flung himself in, I tried my hardest not to groan. The chances of me surviving today's session without killing someone, (him), were slim to none.

"You look like you're ready to explode. Or die. Or both."

I reached across him to yank his door shut. The faster I got us to the rink, the faster I could go twirl myself away from his bullshit. "Keep talking and you'll fine out which one," I stated as I pulled onto the road. He frowned when he looked at my face, which I could feel was pulled into an angry look. I felt a pang of just then. Yes, I'm angry and tired, and yes, Oikawa is Oikawa. But his jerkiness aside, he was my best friend. He was a sweet and caring guy behind that conceited facade, and such a baby it was comical. 

He held a cup out to me, pressing the straw against my lips until I took a sip of coffee. The straw was later replaced with a tissue as he wiped my mouth while my hands were occupied with driving. "Just relax, Kaashi-kun. It's Saturday! We only have one session then we're home free for the weekend!" He reminded me. 

I shook my head firmly. "Will you quit making fun of me?" 

"Only if you stop letting your new crush make you forget how to skate," he teased.

"I will turn this car around and leave you to walk the rest of the way with your bags."

Oikawa's eyes went wide with panic as he leaned dramatically over the center console to wrap his hands around my arm. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry! I'll stop, just please don't leave meee!"

I shook my arm free from his grip. I don't care how many times I say this, because it doesn't get any less true- he really is an ass. When I killed the engine in the parking lot, Oikawa turned to me. His smile had turned into a slightly more considerate smirk. "You should try to talk to him again, Kaash. You like him quite a bit, and my gaydar is never wrong."

"You don't _need_ a gaydar, you dumbass. We all know I'm gay." I shot back at him. From beside me, he laughed out loud. "Oh, no no. Not for you. For Bokuto!"

Upon hearing that, I flung my door open and stepped out. Oikawa quickly followed me in doing so and stared at me from over the car for a response.

"Don't you dare get involved with this, Oikawa! He is _not-"_ I slammed the door shut for punctuation- "Gay. And even if he was, I'm literally the most boring person in the world. Bokuto-san has probably forgotten about me by now."

I pressed the button on my key fob to open the trunk. When it didn't open fast enough for my liking, I took it upon myself to shove it up myself. "As if!" Oikawa scoffed. "That boy was absolutely in love at first sight. I could practically see his tail wagging when you talked to him!"

I flung his backpack in his direction before putting my own on my shoulders and marched toward the rink. "It's not gonna happen, so just give it a rest, will you?" I said a bit colder than I intended. 

No surprise, it didn't phase him. He snatched up our suitcases, the wheels rolling noisily behind him as he scurried to his side. "Nope! There is no way I'm letting you give up on this. Akaashi, come on! I know you like him, and it's pretty clear he's interested in you too."

Now it was my turn to scoff at him. "How could I possibly know if I like him or not right now? Look, I very willingly admit that Bokuto-san is hot. _Very._ Like, unfairly," I inwardly cringe at my own words. It was the truth, yet it flustered me to say it aloud. "But he doesn't know me and I don't know him. I've chosen to admire from afar. That's it."

"And what about when he tries to talk to you again? Will you ' _admire from afar'_ after that?"

I mentally deemed this conversation officially over. I got the message across to him by storming right into the lobby without him. It was barely seven in the morning and my mind was already running dangerously low on cognitive power. This past week was quite a shitty one. All I wanted was to wrap this up and take advantage of my weekend.

"HINATA SHOYOU! IF YOU DON'T GET DOWN FROM THERE RIGHT NOW I SWEAR TO GOD-"

I shut the door to the rink after a whole two seconds of it being opened. Our current safest option pointed in the direction of "let whatever the hell that was play out on its own." To ease the awkwardness of the situation, I turn on my heel to head back to the counter. I could see a blonde head buried in the security monitors in the back of the room as Konoha watched chaos unfold in the rink. I reached out and tapped the bell that sat on the counter a few times until he looked over. 

Konoha hopped up from his seat and strode up to the counter. "Why hello there, sir. Care to stick your feet in a nice pair of sweaty rental skates? I'll throw in a deal for today- the dullest blades in this back room, free! They'll work great out there, since our ice cuts are _always_ on time."

His sarcastic tone was enough to give it away. I rest my elbows on the counter and bury my face in my hands as he laughed at me. "Are you serious? Again? That ice is about as smooth as Oikawa's flirting." 

"You take that back right now!" Oikawa screeched. "I'll have you know I..."

I tuned out the rest of his ranting to listen to Konoha. "Yup," he sighed. "I called dad four times to see if he could get people to move their asses, but I doubt he's even awake." The poor boy look so dejected I had to hold back a laugh. I felt pretty bad for him, since his dad had forced him to take on opening shifts last year. Now he was stuck playing phone tag with staff and drowning skates in Lysol. "Tell everyone I'm really sorry."

"Don't worry, Akinori. We know you can't control everything around here, so we don't blame you." I reassured him. His frown turned up into a smile, and he dug around under the front counter. His face lit up when he found what I was waiting for, and he slid the lanyard towards me. "Last public session ends at seven tonight. I'll have the guys leave the speakers on for you. And I promise, the ice will be smooth as a baby's butt for ya."

With a thank-you and a smile, I tuck the keys to the rink safely into my bag. "You're sure your parents don't mind me doing this?" I asked doubtfully.

Konoha waved me off with a fox-like grin. "They never have. They love you, you goody two-shoes. Now shoo, go make sure no one commits homicide on my ice."

Following that statement was a pterodactyl-like scream so loud I heard it through the closed door. I took that as my cue to snag Oikawa by the sleeve and rush us into the rink.

Just a few more hours. I just had to survive just a few more hours with these lunatics. Later tonight, the ice would be all mine.

On one side was Hinata, who had managed to climb one of the short walls on either side of the ice's entrance. Suga looked ready for blood, screeching at him so urgently it felt maternal. Kenma was a few feet away, headphones turned up so loud I could hear it from where I was standing. 

Keeping Konoha's promise, I tackled the most prominent issue first. "Hinata." I said firmly.

All of the air in the room stretched still, and the two froze in place. It was a perfect snapshot of chaos, and I cursed myself for not stopping to take a picture. The click of a phone camera let me know Oikawa had a similar opinion. 

"Can you please get down from there? If you hurt yourself, you won't be able to practice jumps."

My tried and true bait got that little tornado clambering down like his life depended on it. Suga didn't miss a beat, dragging him by the ear away and up the stairs, yelling about focusing on warm-up. Oikawa wasn't far behind them. He gathered up both his and my bags before eagerly following.

Now that I knew no one would be dying under Konoha's supervision, I turned and made my way over to the much quieter member of the group.

"Are you sure that's loud enough?" I said sarcastically as I tugged his headphones off. In my hands, the music was louder than ever. Kenma sighed, pausing the music and stuffing his hands into his pockets. "It's much too tiring waking up during the week. I don't think I can go on," he deadpanned. His hair was gathered into a very, very messy bun, which had slid down to the base of his neck and threatened to come undone with every movement he made. I gently tugged the elastic out and hung the headphones around his neck. I'd have to redo it for him when we got upstairs, but that was a part of the routine I didn't mind.

"Don't worry, we'll be dying together," I replied as I ushered us up the stairs. "But you're not allowed to until you eat breakfast."

***

Fifteen minutes before the session ended, coach gathered the five of us up on one wall. Everyone filed in from near the ice's exit while I glided in from the middle of the rink, where I had just completed a run through of my program. Thanks to Suga's motherly advice and Hinata's need for constant supervision, I somehow stopped thinking about Bokuto, but only for the remainder of practice. My run was almost completely clean, and I couldn't get rid of the small smile on my mouth. It felt so nice to just lose myself on the ice and only think about the feeling skating brought me.

"I have CDs waiting on the bench of everyone's performance from last week's competition. I expect each of you to take some time to at least watch your runthroughs while going over the notes I wrote. Free ice for the rest of the session. Don't push it, and be out be out no later than eleven. Skate school starts at noon in this rink."

"Yes sir!" we responded in unison. The old man bid us goodbye before grabbing his coffee and moving toward the exit. I was almost through turning back around when he called out to me. 

"Yes, sir?" I answered. I hovered at the edge of the ice since I was not about to walk on freshly sharpened blades. Talking to him like this always made me slightly anxious, despite being his student for over five years. He looked at me thoughtfully before opening his mouth. "You seem to be back on track today, Akaashi. I'm glad to see you skating like your normal self. You know how to reach me if something comes up."

I nodded my head a few times, my cheeks heating up slightly. "Y-yes, sir. Have a good day." I said back hesitantly.

With that, coach was off. Before my head could start spinning again, I pushed off and returned to the ice. I settled myself in my own section of the rink that allowed me enough space to jump. 

I began with a few crossovers, mindful of taking good strokes and getting deep into my edges. I coil in, my muscles tensing in preparation for the jump. I dig into my momentum and begin to rotate on the ice. _Should I go for a quad? No, you've been skating all morning. Stick to a triple loop._ My legs cross, and I launch myself off of my right foot. I pull my arms in and squeeze my entire body for one, two, then three rotations. I land on my right foot on the outside edge of the blade. I had all of half a second to impulsively decide that I wanted to turn this jump into a combination as I kept my left leg out in front of me upon landing. I stabbed my toepick into the ice this time around, initiating a new type of jump. _One, two, three._

Fortunately I had better judgement than most eager skaters, who normally ate up free ice as an opportunity to pack in as many rotations as possible without thinking. Pushing it too hard is quite tempting while unsupervised, and jumps were a guaranteed adrenaline rush. But that's exactly how figure skaters got hurt. Being smart promised me another day on the ice, and that's all I needed.

Just for fun, I tipped my chest down and lifted one leg straight up behind me as I flew around in a wide spiral. The rush from the jump faded after a few seconds and my head cleared. I stood up straight and eased into a relaxed glide. Following that I did a forward outside rocker with the momentum I had picked back up. I skated forward on the inside edge of one foot.With a hop I landed backwards on the outside edge while maintaining the same perfect direction and speed. It wasn't much use to do it now since I wasn't practicing a sequence. But hey, it felt nice to remind myself just how much I can move.

"First clean triple loop triple Salchow you've done since Wednesday! How do you feel?" Oikawa inquired as he appeared gliding by my side. His voice mocked a reporter's. I shifted edges again and skated backwards, maneuvering my way out of his irritating proximity. That dork did not need to be pushing my buttons right now.

"Shouldn't you be working on that combination from your program, Oikawa-san? You know, the one you fell out of today?" I retorted.

Oikawa stops midway into a lazy two-foot spin to glare at me. His gloved hand shot up to point at me angrily, mouth squished into his classic pout. "Oh, bite me! I got all my rotations in. It was almost perfect!"

I skated towards him and turned my feet to come to stop in front of him. With my index finger poked his cold, red nose. "I'm just pulling your leg. Your Lutz looked great."

His pout vanished at the compliment, replaced with a confident smile. "Of course it did. Now if you'll excuse me, I need lip balm."

Oikawa playfully kicked ice at me before skating away to sift through the mess he called his on-ice bag. The last time I had to go through that backpack, all of fifteen different chapsticks and a heap of other random cosmetics tumbled onto my feet. Yeah, it was a disaster. I shuddered at the memory.

I turned my attention to the rest of the rink, which consisted of Hinata and Suga working together on something in the far corner. Kenma was long gone, which didn't surprise me. He wasn't usually one to willingly stick around any longer than practice called for. Shrugging my shoulders, I skated over to my rinkmates. 

When I got closer to Sugawara's side, I pushed to a stop. In front of us, Hinata was on his butt on the ice, spinning around like a top.

"WEEEE!" he cried as he spun. When he lost momentum he let his legs drop from his chest. I cringed at the _thunk_ from his skate knocking against the ice. Hinata hopped up from his spot with a huge smile. It made me happy inside to see that he was finally over getting discouraged from falling now. It was a big issue that took him quite some time to overcome. But we were all there with him to reassure him that every figure skater falls.

"That sit-spin was actually really great, Hinata!" Sugawara encouraged. "You just let up a little too early. But that's alright, considering you've been working all morning." 

He beamed at Sugawara before whirling around to face me. His big brown eyes were eager as ever, looking for my praise next. "What did you think, Kaash?"

I smiled down at him, taking a split second to think of some white lie. I didn't exactly _see_ him perform the element, but I wasn't about to rain on his parade. "It looked great, Hinata-kun." 

Hinata bounced with joy, pumping a fist in the air. He opened his mouth to cheer, but ended up doubling over in a dry cough. I got a good look at his face then- bright red with a runny nose. My face scrunched up in silght disgust seeing his snot, but it can't be helped out here on the ice. Suga joined me in placing our hands on either of his shoulders. "Alright, easy now," Suga soothed. "Go blow your nose and get some water." We gently lead him off the ice, and a minute later Oikawa came back out.

"Is Hinata-kun alright? He came in choking and drank all his water in, like, two gulps." 

"He's fine," Suga laughed. 

While the two chatted away at my side, I sat down on the step and unlaced my skates. Once they were off I made my way to the bench where I'd left my on-ice bag. I wiped my blades dry before putting on the guards, then took to getting some of my own water. My lips felt chapped as they rubbed together. Encouraged by the unpleasant feeling I unzipped a pouch on my bag and reach in to grab the small metal tin. I opened it, dipped a finger into the yellow salve, and rubbed the substance against my lips. The minty scent made my skin buzz.

Judging by the grumble of my stomach, it was nearing eleven now. As I went through packing up, my mind wandered off for the umpteenth time this morning. _Did the hockey team have practice today? What kind of chapstick does Bokuto-san use on the ice? His lips looked a little chapped on Thursday. I wonder what they feel like-_

Nope. Nope, nope, nope, _nope._

On the outside, I appeared pretty tame. But on the inside? 

Screaming. Just screaming.

The more I attempted to fight off thoughts about _him_ , more and more poured back into my head. I couldn't do this, not here. I dashed down the hallway, flying into the locker room at a pace that had me concerned for my ankles. When I got inside I shoved my skates into my suitcase, zipped it up, and flung myself right out of the facility. 

Crazy dyed hair. Was it soft? It looked so fluffy.

A tall, broad build. He looked unstoppable that one day on the ice. The way his biceps flexed left me questioning if I was dreaming.

Wild, gold eyes. It always came back to his eyes. He'd only looked at me once, but the nervous swell in my stomach let me know I might have to prepare to endure that gaze again.

I collapsed into my car, heart pounding in my ears. My head dropped against the steering wheel, forehead smacking the horn hard enough to make it drawl out. 

As a last attempt to calm my frayed nerves, I do what I've been wanting to do all morning. I squeezed my eyes shut and screamed into the steering wheel.

***

At 6:49 pm, I was back at the rink. I sat quietly scrolling through my phone while Hinata happily munched away at the meat buns I bought him earlier. For being such a small guy, he could really put away some food. 

"Are you sure you don't want any, Kaashi-kun?" Hinata queried. He shoved one of the buns in my face enthusiastically, waving it around a few times for good measure. I took hold of his wrist and gently pushed his arm away. "I'm good, Hinata. I promise. It's all yours."

He examined my face carefully one more time, and his concern melted when I offered him a smile. This friend of mine was no doubt just as sweet as he was crazy. 

The two of us spent the next ten minutes in silence. Well, incomplete silence. Hinata was so excited just to be here, the only way to contain himself was to bounce up and down until the entire car began to rock. He alternated between happy little noises when he took a bite of food and random questions that were way too innocent for me to be annoyed with. I had to stop him a couple of times from talking with his mouth full. Performing CPR in an ice rink parking lot was not my ideal Saturday night activity. 

Hinata was about ready to explode out of my car when 7:00 came around, but I somehow succeeded in securing him in my backseat until around 7:30. No one could be in the rink while I went in to do what I was here to do. No customers, no staff. Just me and the ice. I couldn't have him bounding into a rink full of people.

The body language coming from him could've been easily read as "Help! There's a small bomb lit under me!", because he couldn't stay still for a minute. He was very obviously failing at hiding a huge grin. His eyes held a wicked glint that gave me heart palpitations. "Hinata-kun..." I started.

Hinata whipped around so fast I flew back and hit the door. "Yeah?"

"Is something wrong?"

He shook his head violently. 

"Something you're not telling me?"

Oh, he hesitated at that. He looked to the left, to the right, then back to the left. He shook his head again. Yeah, he was definitely hiding something. But knowing him, there was no telling what this erratic behavior could be about.

I checked my phone. 7:36. I took in a deep breath to steady myself.

Since Hinata was my passenger tonight, I had made sure to turn the childlock on for all of my doors. I swiveled around in my seat to look at him. "You ready to go?"

Hinata clutched his bag tighter, biting his lip to contain his excitement. "Alright. Don't you dare run off through this parking lot. There are cars everywhere."

Yes, I really had to say this to an eighteen year old boy. 

I pressed the button on my door's side panel and he darted out of the vehicle in an instant. On the other hand I took my time, needing as much as I could get to try to calm myself down. Once I was alone, it would just be me and my feelings. As cheesy as that sounded, it was true. I needed my own time to think on my own. To skate on my own. I heaved my duffle bag over my shoulder (I moved everything I needed into one bag so I wasn't carrying as much,) and made my way to the rink. 

Hinata had become no more than a zigzagging, fuzzy orange dot to me as he zoomed way ahead of me. I moved much slower, much more cautiously. Each step I took I counted. It was a nervous habit I had developed as a child when I had to take ballet lessons, but that was irrelevant history. By the time I got to the door, Hinata looked like he'd pop if I touched him the wrong way. He bounced from foot to foot while he waited for me to unlock the rink. The asphalt around us was dimly lit by streetlamps. Only a few cars were scattered in the lot, bathed in shadow and dull light. Even so, the lights inside the rink were all off. I fished for the lanyard and made quick work of unlocking the door. 

We were in the rink and on the ice in a matter of minutes. The ice was only about three quarters of the way lit, but it was enough for us to see what we were doing. 

"You're not falling out of things because you're _bad,_ Hinata-kun. You are an amazing skater," I said to the dejected boy in front of me."When things like this happen, it' best that you slow down and go back to your basics. Don't get worked up try to keep repping something that's wrong." When Hinata wouldn't listen, I glided a little closer to him. I took both of his hands into mine until he finally looked at me. The frustration was evident on his face- eyebrows drawn together, bottom lip quivering, and wide eyes showing the telltale signs of holding back tears.

"But I'm _trying,_ Akaashi! I can't do it, no matter how hard I work I just can't get it right!" Hinata'a voice finally cracked and out came the waterworks. He usually didn't cry like this when he was having trouble. Something else had to have been winding him up, making him nervous from the start. I instinctively pull his head to my chest and let him cry into my shirt. I ran one hand up and down his arm, my usual method of soothing him. "I can't do it.." he whimpered as he clutched at my back.

"Yes you can," I argued gently. "You've done it before, and you'll do it again. Just take a deep breath, and we'll fix this little blip together, okay?" 

It took a few moments for him to right his breathing before he mumbled a pathetic "okay." I let him take all the time he needed to calm down. When he finally let go, I ruffled his hair a little bit and smiled. When he laughed in response, relief flooded through me. He was ready to get back to work.

I stepped back and toyed with my glasses in thought. "You have the athletic ability to do this, but right now you're just hesitating when you move. Right?" He nodded, face hidden behind his hands as he dried his cheeks. This was a very simple fix for him- a visit back to one simple fundamental, and he'd bounce right back. When I dug the hockey puck out of my sweatpants pocket, he cocked his head in curiosity. "Get into position like you're about to do a backwards edge pull." 

He did so without hesitation. Hinata stood on one foot, knee slightly bent, and stuck the other leg out straight behind him. I leaned over to wedge the hockey puck between his toepick and the ice. 

"Edge pulls are one of the very first things a figure skater learns to do, an exercise where you skate on one foot and alternate between pressing on the inside and outside edges of the blades." I instructed. "Doing this will remind you to be confident in digging in deep so you have enough power to speed up."

"What's the puck for?" Hinata asked. 

"It makes you work harder. You'll feel how much you need to get deeper. Now go try it, and _think_ about how you're moving."

He was so excited to try again that it was impossible not to return his smile. He took off skating backwards, and I observed him carefully as he moved from side to side. 

After about thirty more minutes of fine tuning, Hinata's troubles were a thing of the past. I stood in the middle of the rink and skated along by his side as he did a few jumps. Each jump, his entrances were more and more confident, and the look on his face was worth all of the tears.

Hinata finished his last jump and speed-skated right up to me. His face stretched with his signature toothy grin, and his eyes sparkled mischievously. "Thanks so much, Kaashi-kun! I'm really happy you didn't give up on me," he said a bit shyly. 

"I would never give up on you. I knew you could do it."

That earned another happy shout from my friend. Now that his turn on the ice was over, I followed him to the exit. 

"Are you suuuure you don't want me to stay and watch?" He asked me for the millionth time. I shook my head calmly as I wrapped Hinata up in my coat. "I'm sorry, Hinata. Just... not this time, okay? I'll let you see it another night, I promise." 

He fiddled with the dongle hanging out of his phone for a few minutes. The glint in his eyes from back in the car was back. Should I be worried about that?

"Okay. But I really think you should start letting people watch you more often like this! He really wants to- Erm... there are... lots of people that would love to watch you skate! Probably! I don't actually, uh, know anyone..." He spluttered.

In an attempt to squeeze some more info out of Hinata, I narrowed my eyes at him and crossed my arms. I almost had it out of him when he leapt up hurriedly from his seat. "Y-your phone is set up to record. I'll go start the music!" He said quickly. He hastily made his way out to the electronics station, and I was left on my own on the ice. I rolled up the sleeves of my white buttonup and adjusted my pants in an effort to prepare.

I took a deep breath in. Bitter, cold air filled my chest. Around me, the lights shut off and shrouded me in silence. The energy within me pulsed to life. 

As I tugged off my jacket and removed my glasses, the mood changed around the rink. I tossed them out of sight toward the wall. Suddenly, tiny lights flickered to life around the perimeter of the ice and on the ceiling. In a matter of seconds I was bathed in blue light. 

I stopped dead center on the ice and eased myself down onto my knees. I hung my head and closed my eyes as I shifted into performance mindset.

This program. It meant everything to me, yet nothing at all. It was the program I had fallen so deeply in love with last year, then never got to perform. It was my connection to the sport, to myself. Something special I only do in the comfort of solitude as a means of expressing my jumbled emotions.

As the music started, it swelled into its own being. Another person, watching me from the side. They reached out and grasped my heart with their fingers as it began to ache. 

The beat held a strong and heavy pulse. As I began the routine, I felt as if my blood began pumping in the same rhythm. My chest moved back and forth, mimicking a breath in time. I kick one leg out and stretch forward, easing myself up. I reach out, flow through the choreography that is so deeply engraved within me. Then I'm up on my feet, and a male voice comes out from the speakers. 

" _I don't want a friend, I want my life in two..."_

I sink up and down, paying careful attention to the smooth patterns of my arms. 

_"_ _Just one more night. Waiting to get there..."_

The movements here are slightly hopeful.

" _Waiting for you all night..."_

I fly across the ice, every inch of open space shooting me forward by my blades. I pick up speed, one turn, on the ice, then another until I'm skating backwards. I get low on my left leg, then reach back behind me with my right leg. My toe pick digs right into the sleek white and launch into the air, crossing my arms into my chest to allow my body all three rotations. I landed flawlessly in check position. _Triple Lutz- check._

I glide to the next part of the ice. I lean into my outside edge, extending one leg and reaching an arm upward. 

_"When I'm alone slow dancing in the dark, don't follow me, you'll end up in my arms..._

My body melts into the words in as I change direction. I hug myself in a flowing, choreographed motion. Yet it still feels so real and raw.

_You done made up your mind, I don't need no more signs..."_

_"Can you... Can you..."_

This time around, my path into the jump is different than any other in the program. I turn my feet outward and lean back slightly on straight legs. The feeling of the ice coursing beneath my blades doesn't feel real. None of this does. Tears of mourning sprout in the corners of my eyes. An optimistic smile tugs at my lips, cold and dry from the temperature. For this jump I enter skating forwards now. Reaching, pulling. Take off on the left outside edge.Three and a half rotations, each turn weaving me into the music as it builds to the chorus. I land right on the beat.

" _Give me reasons we should be complete..."_

The triple Axel. Dad's favorite jump. Every time I do one, I can just see him looking at me with approval in his eyes. 

Next I shift across the ice in a dance as fluid as water. My torso goes down and my right leg goes up as I go into a camel spin. I bend my knees until I'm spinning in a squat like position. I cover my ears with my hands. Yet again it may be choreographed, but it really felt like in that spin I went back in time.

_"You should be with him, I can't compete..."_

Maybe I was fourteen, blocking out the enraged words thrown my way by my own mother and coaches. Or maybe I went back to just last year, trying to escape the message my mother came to tell me while I was in the middle of learning this very routine.

"Your father is dead."

_"You looked at me like I was somebody else.."_

I stand back up and hold the spin a bit longer. As I break away, I put a hand over my chest then pull my fists out to my sides, punctuating the last three words of the verse with each movement. 

_"Can't you see?"_

Please come back, dad...

_"I don't wanna slow dance..."_

Don't make me go on without you...

_"In the dark..."_

I spread my arms, opening my chest like I was offering my heart to be pulled right out of my ribcage. I soar in a spread-eagle stance.

_"Dark..."_

Sinking to my knees and easing back up.

As the next verse picks up, the music slams to a halt. I mimic it with my body, dropping down on one knee. I push my hands out like I'm moving the very weight of my grief with them. 

_"When you gotta run... just hear my voice in you."_

But I got up and moved on from it. This is what he would want for me. 

_"Shutting me out of you, doing so great..."_

My left leg comes out in front, my right straight behind me. Each foot points out to either side and my arms come up to hug me again as I glide in Hydroblade. And just like that, I shifted out. 

I reach back again and stab the ice, executing another triple Lutz. When I land in time with the first line of the melody, a bittersweet blend of ecstasy and pain crash into me.

_"Give me reasons we should be complete.."_

My legs whip around me as my body whirls around in a controlled motion. A butterfly kick into another camel spin, but this time I lean to the side and curl my leg slightly. The lyrics repeat. Somehow, I find comfort in that.

_"You should be with him, I can't compete"_

_"You looked at me like I was someone else,_

_Can't you see?"_

The climax closed in. My heart thundered in my chest like an animal beating on its cage. My throat stung with each freezing breath I took, and the tears running down my cheeks were icy. My body is trained to move in a carefully-tailored dance. It does what it is told.

But it is the host of a soul. A soul that swirls and like a fog and melts into the blue aura around me. It clouds my vision. It makes me _feel._

Grief. Pain. Doubt.

Forgiveness. Pleasure. Confidence.

My body has no other purpose than to build my soul up to this moment. 

_"I don't wanna slow dance..."_

A fan kick out towards the bleachers, my arm opening up and mirroring the natural flow. My muscles burned beneath my skin. Just a second longer...

Time turns to slow motion. I'm soaring across the ice at this point. My body turns, one leg dipping down, then the other.

_"In the dark..."_

Then I'm down on both knees. Gliding across the ice like there's not a thing in the world that can stop me.

_"Dark..."_

I glide on both feet after I stand up, this time leaning backwards. My fingertips skim over the ice. The cold burns, and I memorize every little scratch I feel on the surface. 

_"Dark..."_

I fall into a spin, one foot neatly crossed over the other at the ankle. My arms come in for the hundredth time. 

I hate that they are my own arms. I'm so cold out here. I want someone else's warmth to seep into the ugliest cracks of my heart. Maybe I want my father's. 

Or this time, am I wanting someone else?

The beat thrums heavily. The end is near.

As the spin loses momentum, my arms come out. I pull them in and I clench my hands into fists.

_I am not alone in this rink. Another soul is here, watching over me. I can feel it._

The spin halts to a stop as I rip my my balled fists out from my chest. I feel as if I am ripping the very vibration of the music out of the thin air around me as the music comes to a stop in time with my movements.

The feedback noises make the air tingle around me. Then, all I'm left with is the sound of my own heavy breathing. 

All the weight that had built up inside caught up with me with the force of a bullet train. It crushed me. A sob raked down my body as I crumpled onto the ice. I inwardly apologized to everyone in my life. 

_I'm sorry, dad, for not being there for your last breath on earth._

_I'm sorry, mom, and coaches, for every competition I didn't make it onto the podium at._

_I'm sorry, Oikawa, for being so uptight._

_I'm sorry, Kenma, if I ever annoyed you._

_I'm sorry, Suga, for always being a burden._

_I'm sorry, Hinata, for not letting you come watch so you wouldn't have to see me like this._

Another ugly cry shook my tired body. I was shivering, but couldn't move from the ice. I clawed at the ground. Pressed my forehead to it and let every sob I had held back roll out of me. I miss him. I miss him _so much._ Why was I in pain right now? My body cried out for me to move. My heart ached so heavily, I had to clench my stomach in agony. I tried to catch my breath, but I couldn't control it anymore. I screamed at the ice so hard I nearly gagged. 

_I'm sorry, Bokuto-san..._

Sweat stung stung my eyes, mixing with my tears and dripping down my face. There was now blood on the ice beneath me. I couldn't even begin to tell where it came from, because the pain all mixed together into one aching force that swallowed me whole.

_for probably not being good for you._

It took me three attempts to stand up. I barely picked up my feet and let my momentum slowly carry me to the exit. I stepped off the ice without so much as a second thought about my blades. If they got messed up, there was someone I could just go pay to have it fixed.

But there's no one I can pay to fix _this._

I leaned back against one of the walls to properly catch my breath. I had just poured everything I am onto that ice. _This_ was exactly why I needed to be in the rink alone. I could only feel this way in private. If anyone ever witnessed this disorder, this chaos I danced my way through as I tried to accept my baggage, I don't think I'd ever be the same again.

Something darted out in front of me. Something big. I try to step back, but the wall stops me. Was that a _person?_ No way that was a person. This rink was locked up tight. Hinata left after he set my phone to record, the only person who was supposed to be here right now. When a hand emerged from the shadows, my body couldn't move. The form stepped closer and grinned down at me. Even in this dim light, I could easily make out irises that twinkled like discs of gold.

"Holy _shit,_ Akaashi-kun! That was amazing! But, are you okay? Your hands are bleeding."

No. No, no, no, no _no!_ This isn't real. I'm exhausted and grieving, my brain is playing tricks on me.

But you can't feel a trick's hand on your arm when they reach out to touch you.

"Why are you crying?" he asked, gentler this time.

_"B-Bokuto-san...?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone was wondering, here's the routine I based Akaashi's off of. 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvHcQ0eix_I  
> Vincent is one of my all time favorite skaters and his program for this always makes me cry!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this update is coming a little bit later than the last two!! last chapter was kind of a mess im so sorry:((( but i was trying to write as fast as possible since i had a family emergency i needed to leave for. anyways, i hope you enjoy!!

As a figure skater, I'm pretty used to knowing what it feels like to be frozen. It can be so cold in the rink, your fingers lock up and every nerve in your body pinches up. However, this was a new kind of frozen for me. Looking back, I'm pretty sure this time it was fear that had caused my muscles to seize rather than the temperature.

Bokuto's eyes were sparkling excitedly, almost like a child's. His arms were waving wildly out in front of him, fingers spread wide like he was trying to flap and take off from the ground. His voice was booming, matching the rapid fire stream of words.

"Akaashi-kun!! You're so good at skating! Hinata-kun told me that you went to the Olympics and were a World Champion. The day I saw you skating at practice you were so amazing that I just really wanted to see you again! But, Akaashi, why are you crying?"

My legs were now officially out of commission. My thighs shook and my body instinctively slumped down. If I wasn't standing on blades, I'm sure I'd be swaying. Each strenuous beat of my heart formed a pressure deep inside me. I couldn't get enough oxygen into my lungs, but I managed to at least hide my labored breathing. _Just how much did he see?_

"What's wrong?"

Bokuto's gentle prodding pulled me out of my crumbling thoughts. I slowly righted myself, though it didn't stop me from wringing my hands so hard it hurt. My brain was screaming at me to run, to get as far away from him as humanly possible. But my legs felt as heavy as stone. 

He called out to me again. The heat on my bicep from his hand made me want to leap back. It was too hot, and it did nothing to slow my racing heart.

I attempted to look him in the face, but when I failed, I spoke to the ground instead. In a hoarse voice I asked him, "Why... why are you in here? How much did you see?"

Bokuto didn't seem to pick up on my mood, because he was as enthralled as ever when he replied. "Well, like I said, I _really_ wanted to see you skate again! I don't know why exactly, because I haven't always cared much for skating. I think it's because I wanted to see _you_ skate! And, wow... Akaashi-kun, you were beau- Uh, that was beautiful! My heart was beating really fast while I watched you. Look!-" he grabbed one of my hands and smashed my palm against his chest. Sure enough, there was a deep, heavy beat thundering down in his chest. He stepped a bit closer.

_No, get away._

He turned his head to the side. From this angle I could see his wild eyes and eager grin soften into something calmer. "I don't know what to say..." he said quietly. "It was breathtaking. I've never not been able to look away from someone like I did just now."

This was way too much. My heart was on the verge of popping like an overfilled balloon. A heavy feeling was settling in my throat as I withheld the urge to cry.

Feeling terrified, I pulled my hand free and slid myself out from between Bokuto and the wall. He was way too close for comfort. 

My voice cracked when I spoke, but my tone still held the bite of my fear. "H-how did you get in here!? Who let you in, this is a _private_ session!"

I didn't notice how hard I was trembling until I tried to put more distance between us. Bokuto reached out again, and I dodged his hand. I failed to dodge the bag on floor behind me, however, and promptly tumbled to the ground. While I was stunned on my back, he lunged down to try to pick me up. But my blood was boiling. I was mortified.

I crossed my arms out in front of me and hid my head behind them. "D-don't touch me!" I croaked. Instantly, Bokuto backed away. His excited smile faded into something more resembling guilt. His fists clenched and unclenched at his sides after he dropped his hands and took a few steps away.

"I told Hinata-kun I wanted to see you again. He told me that you came here on Saturday nights to skate on your own sometimes, and he asked me to come here. I didn't know you didn't want anyone to see, and if I did I wouldn't have come. I'm really, really sorry I didn't ask first. Just please, let me help-"

"You've done enough," I cut him off quickly. His eyes widened with hurt at my words, and once again my heart plummeted into my stomach. _I_ just put that look on his face. I wanted to wipe that hurt look away so badly. I climbed to my feet on wobbly legs after hurriedly taking off my skates. I tucked the black boots under my arms. My phone was all the way upstairs set up with the rest of the electronics, but I doubted my body could handle being in this rink alone with Bokuto any longer. He looked so wounded right now. He stepped forward cautiously. "Akaashi, I-"

"Bokuto-san," I interrupted. My serious tone stopped him dead in his tracks. When I was sure I had his attention, I looked up. Holding eye contact with him almost made me squirm, but I held my ground. 

"You didn't see this. You will tell _no one_ what you saw, and you will _never_ come back like this again." My voice wavered on the _"never"_ and he winced. He bowed his head slightly.

"I'm really sorry. I won't ever invade your privacy like this again." Bokuto murmured. 

His apology seeped beneath my skin. His guilt morphed into hot iron and burned my heart. My own guilt swelled in my chest for snapping at him. Bokuto-san didn't mean any harm, I knew that well. Yet, still, I felt as if someone had torn me apart from the inside out. Shone a spotlight on the darkest, most hidden parts of me for all of the world to see. I just poured my very soul onto that ice, and Bokuto saw the whole thing. There was no way he'd ever want to get to know me now.

I needed out. Out of the rink. The building. The area. I needed to talk to Hinata. Impulse sparked up within me. I stuffed everything in my hands into the duffle bag and started for the exit. I didn't expect him to call out to me again.

"Wait, Akaashi-kun!" he yelled out. I eased to a stop, my bare feet slapping against the coarse carpeting. I turned to look at him. I couldn't bring myself to speak, so I hoped he could read my body language in all these shadows. "I want to ask you something before you go. It's okay if you don't want to answer it, I'll understand."

I nodded at him slightly for him to go on.

"Do you get lonely out there on the ice, all by yourself?" he asked.

There my body goes again, locking up every limb and joint. I was a deer in the headlights. 

He took a step forward. When I didn't move, he took another one. 

One more.

I ripped myself from the spot I was rooted to and ran. Out of the rink, through the lobby, out the front door. I sprinted to my car as fast as my legs could carry me. 

Figure skating is so much more than just a sport. It was an art form. When you are a figure skater, you are not the artist. Rather, you are the piece. The object that gets scrutinized and judged purely for how you look and perform during the short few minutes of your program. Judges don't know _or_ care about anything but your presentation. Judges don't care if you got a migraine before your short program, or if your blades are dull, or even if your own dad died just weeks before you came to compete. Their one and only job is to decide my self worth in the form of a numerical score. And oh, how much that hurt me.

After dad died two years ago, I never wanted anyone to watch me ever again, not without him in the crowd. But a figure skater can't avoid being watched forever.

His encouragement was the one thing that kept me going in this hellish sport. To my mother and coaches, I was pretty much a Marionette available to them for total manipulation. But dad was never like that. Instead, he saw me as a teenage boy with a heart, feelings, and potential. As a kid, I remembered always running into the house when I got home just so I could tell him all about practice. He never pretended to listen to me like my mom did. He cared about how I was feeling more than the titles I collected, and that was all I ever needed to be happy.

It didn't take me very long to get myself comfortable with being watched by crowds and judges again. After all, I've been enduring this form of pressure my entire life. Just barely missing the podium for the first time in years shortly after dad's death was enough to spur mom on. Before I knew it, I was back in shape.

Mom doesn't know about these late-night sessions. I usually only go on the weekends to do this, but in truth I take any chance I can get to practice in total privacy. Emphasis on _privacy._ One of my strengths that judges usually highlight is my ability to embody and convey all sorts of emotions with my skating. I become a character when I'm on the ice for my audience, I put myself in the shoes of a different personality and tell their story.

But those emotions aren't my own. When I get to skate on my own like this, I get to tell _my_ story. 

With a heavy sigh, I tumbled into my car and threw my bag into the front seat. My phone was still very much in the rink, probably still recording the empty ice. It was up to me to go in and lock up, but Bokuto was still in there. I opted to wait until I saw him come out to go back inside. I turned on the radio in effort to get a distraction. The station was nothing but static, but I welcomed it.

Dad's death was announced to me two years ago, just a couple of months before competition season kicked off. I was working with my choreographer that day to learn one of the most gorgeous programs I'd ever had in my entire life. It was to an American song that I instantly fell in love with. 

I must've ended up associating the program with his death, because everything went downhill from there. I couldn't listen to the song without tears welling up in my eyes. It didn't matter if I was on or off ice. Each time I'd start the step sequence, I would pretty much just give up right in the middle of it. A couple of days of grieving turned into weeks, then weeks turned into months. My coach ended up scratching the program when I failed miserably at the first competition of the season. My mother made sure to tell me it was taken away from me because I wasn't good enough for it, but coach reassured me it was to help me cope. I knew it was probably an ugly mixture of both.

I didn't feel anything for the rest of the season. I got a new program, and I did really well. I got a lot of credit for my interpretations, but in truth it disgusted me how much I could portray such artificial emotions. I slapped on a smile so fake it made me sick and just went through the motions. Got my medals, did the interviews, took the pictures. If only a victory could fill the hole he left in my heart.

My deepest regret is not lack of effort. It's nothing performance related at all. Rather, it makes me hate skating. Makes me angry at my mother. We all knew he was sick. In the blink of an eye, cancer took the brilliant man that was once my father and turned him into a hollow shell. If my mother would have let me take a break to be with him, I would have been able to see that. Instead of being there with him, I was sent to the rink and babysat by my coaches.

Three days before his death, my mother allowed me to come to the hospital and see my dad. I was over the moon. The only thing I wanted in that moment was to see him smile and give him a hug. I wanted to make fun of his dad jokes and tell him all about my new sponsorship with a big time athletic clothing brand. Maybe I really just needed to hear someone say _"I'm proud of you"_ for once.

The person I saw in that white room was not my dad. His skin looked like tissue paper. Chemo had taken his hair from him. That sunken face held a pair of blue eyes just like mine, but that spark he always had was far gone. I wasn't allowed to get too close, since his immune system was compromised. But I don't even think I could have gotten any closer if I even wanted to. I bolted out of that hospital room and didn't look back.

The night before his death, my mother said I could go see him again after my training. While my heart felt like it was being smashed into pieces, I told her I couldn't do it. The following day, dad passed away. 

My biggest regret in life is not being there for him in his last days. It hurt so much to see him withering away like that. But nothing hurt more than knowing I abandoned him. I ran away like the coward I was.

Even though that program was dropped that season, I never forgot it. I could skate it in my sleep, no doubt. It sort of became my own personal way of commemorating him, of being with him. I felt the warmth of his love and the glint of his smile every time i performed it. My private sessions became my coping mechanism.

I didn't want people to see me broken. I was already criticized for being a male figure skater, and still in the closet purely out of fear. The only time I've ever set foot in his shrine was the funeral. I was not strong enough to return. The chance of someone seeing me hurt like that was not one I could take. I admit, I'm terrified of what I would feel if I went. So instead, I pay my respects in the pitch black of the rink.

Movement flashed in the direction of the rink, and I ripped my keys out of the ignition. My radio cut out and I hid in the shadows after my lights died. 

On the opposite end of the parking lot was a big, very expensive-looking black pickup truck. It wasn't jacked up and ugly, but from here I could tell it was one of the ones that had an extra row of seats. Concealed in my car, I watched as Bokuto unlocked the vehicle and opened the door. 

For a painfully long moment, he turned to stare at my car. I froze in my seat. The parking lot was empty besides us since it was so late, so it wasn't exactly like I could hide. He shifted from foot to foot as if he was trying to get a better look. When he finally gave up and drove off, I let out the breath i didn't realize I was holding. I hopped out of my car without locking it and shuffled barefoot across the parking lot back into the rink.

Turning off the main lights and the speakers went as usual, easy and quick. I did have to call Konoha for help with shutting the blue lights off, however. They were absolutely his doing- that man was quite extra. I retrieved my now dead phone, locked up the front door, and set a course for Hinata's place. That little boy was about to get flamed.

Hinata was the youngest of our friend group at the fresh age of eighteen. He was the baby of the squad, just wrapping up high school. He still lived with his family, but I had heard him rambling recently about possibly moving into a shared apartment with his volleyball-star boyfriend, Tobio Kageyama. I questioned whether he'd survive without parental figures in my head, but I supported him no matter what. Hopefully this Kageyama boy is a bit more mature.

I turned off my lights before pulling into the driveway so I wouldn't wake anyone up accidentally. To my surprise, the only car parked in front of the house was Hinata's very unmistakable yellow Mini Cooper. I could ask about his parents later, though. 

When I got to the door, I opted on shooting Hinata a text instead of knocking, just in case Natsu was asleep. I didn't even get the chance to hit send when the front door flung open to reveal Hinata bawling like a small child.

"I'M SO SORRY, AKAASHIIII!" He sobbed, hands flying up to tug at his hair.His big brown eyes were wide as saucers, and his cheeks covered in a constant flow of tears. His nose was also running like crazy. "I di-di-didn't know he would come in like that! I t-told him to wait for me but I was excited so I typed in the text and s-s-sent it too early!! I just-" 

My anger vanished. This was Hinata, after all- he would never mean any harm like this. He was just excited like he always is and wanted to help. How could I stay mad at that? I stepped forward and pulled his little body into my arms. I used one hand to gently tug his own from his hair and the other to pat his back. Seeing him cry like this _twice_ in one night didn't sit well with me. 

"It's okay, Hinata-kun, I'm not mad at you." I said soothingly. I managed to drag the both of us all the way into the house, then kicked my shoes off and closed the door behind us. Hinata was practically glued to my hip, eyes still brimming with tears. He alternated between blurting out "I'm sorry!" and "Please don't be mad!" as I dragged him down the familiar entryway and into the living room. 

The fact that I didn't need a crowbar to pry this kid off me was surprising. The urge to lecture him was long gone, so I went with a gentler approach. I sat us down on the couch. "It's okay, Hinata, you're not in trouble. But you really need to be more careful, okay?" I snatched the box of tissues from the side table and held them out to him.

Hinata grabbed a few tissues and scrubbed at his face with them. "I know, it's just... Bokuto-san _really_ wanted to see you and I knew you liked him. I planned on him coming in after you were done, since you usually look sad when you finish, and I screwed up my plan!"

_So he did really want to see me._

In between blowing his nose into the tissues, he whimpered, "I just feel bad! You never want people to s-see when you practice on your own because of..." 

He trailed off and hung his head slightly, but he knew that I understood, and there was no use putting it into words. I put an arm over his shoulder and held Hinata as he blew his nose again, occasionally nodding at what he says and reassuring him I wasn't mad. I wanted nothing more than to comfort my friend, but the empty pit in my heart was also begging for comfort of its own. I ignored it.

Within the next hour or so, Hinata ran out of steam and passed out on the couch. I wriggled my arm out of his grip and slipped down the dark hallway toward his bedroom. I couldn't just let him sleep like that and risk him getting a cold, bit I also didn't have the heart to wake him up after this long day. When I entered the hallway, every room was dark accept for two doorways, which had a soft glow leaking from the cracks. I tapped my knuckle against one of the doors, so softly I could barely here it myself. When I got no answer, I eased the door open and stepped into the room.

Natsu was curled up in her bed, covert tucked neatly around her. Like her older brother, even she can sleep like a log even in bright rooms. I switched the light off and closed the door quietly behind me. I casually walked into Hinata's room next, since there was no one in there I needed to worry about waking up.

Or so I thought.

If I didn't have any self control, I would have screeched upon seeing the body sprawled out in Hinata's bed. He was tall and lean, and his long limbs looked hilariously too big for the bed they were sprawled out on. He was also in his underwear, I might note.

Well, isn't this awkward. From the half of his face that wasn't smashed into the pillows and the dark hair, I was able to recognize who it was. Not really wanting my first meeting with Hinata's boyfriend to be with him half-naked and in his bed, I tiptoed into the room to get what I came for.

Before I could die from secondhand embarrassment, I bundled up one of the discarded blankets from the side of the bed. I turned the light off on the way out to be considerate but didn't dare linger any further.

I spread the blanket out over Hinata when I got back to the living room. I was just gonna go ahead and pretend that I didn't see those little marks on his neck when he turned in his sleep and his shirt moved. Nope, absolutely did not see it. Part of me was a little bit shocked over this, honestly. Our little Hinata had hickeys on his neck? And was having a boy stay over? Did they do _it?_

Yeah, definitely scratch that. Thinking about it made me writhe like a worm on the sidewalk. I knew absolutely nothing about sex, and I sure as hell didn't wanna know the details of someone else's...antics. As I walked back to my car, I couldn't help but wonder if those bruises hurt or not. I knew how you got them, I wasn't _that_ uneducated. Did it really feel good to be bitten though?

_I wonder what it would be like if Bokuto-san..._

Upon the thought entering my mind, I slammed down on my breaks and stopped in the middle of the street. This is starting to get ridiculous. How am I fantasizing about a man I barely even know? A very gorgeous man, but still.

And it's not like I have much of a chance anymore. After he saw and heard me sob to the point where I was dry-heaving, and saw me trip- oh, my god, he really did see me trip- there's no way he'd still be interested. And besides, how do I even know what his intentions were in the first place? It might be a good thing that I've lost any shot with him, he could be another stereotypical playboy jock for all I know. He might've just been bored or something.

But, he seemed so genuine. So sweet and so cute and so respectful. That's probably why this was starting to hurt now. Did I really blow it with him? 

Will he forget about me now?

\---

Sunday morning came about as peacefully as the sweet sound of a broken garbage disposal. I was jolted awake by so much clattering and clanging coming from my kitchen, I was sure I was being robbed. Or, more realistically, I was about to be harassed by a certain person.

I would probably rather be getting robbed.

I wrapped myself loosely in my sheet and shoved my feet into my slippers. My room was hideously cold. Mumbling complaints to myself I trudged out into the living area.

"If you're going to let yourself in and wake me up to cook in my kitchen on my day off then you better be making something good, Oikawa-san," I muttered when I came into the kitchen. I'm pretty sure I looked like I had been tossed in front of a bus right about now, but Oikawa was just as preened and perfect as ever. He didn't seem to care much about my disheveled appearance either. He was used to it by now anyway since he often liked to let himself in whenever he pleased. 

Why exactly did I give him the spare key to my apartment again?

Oikawa whipped around to face me, a pan in one hand and a steaming cup of coffee in the other. Even though I teased him, whatever he was making was smelling pretty damn good. The coffee barely looked like coffee, a swirling white that was no doubt pumped with an unhealthy amount of sweetener.

Yeah, that's why he had it.

Oikawa ripped the sheet off my shoulders and cast it aside like it offended him before ushering me to sit at the table. In front of me he sat a heavenly breakfast of seared fish, a small cup of soup, a rolled omelette, and rice. He also set a large plate of freshly steamed vegetables down before finally joining me. "Don't be a grump. You know you love me _and_ my cooking." he said before digging into his own food. 

It really didn't bother me at all that Oikawa came over like this whenever he wanted, (not including how loud he was,) because I knew he was really just trying to look out for me. When he learned I usually don't bother with breakfast, he was so upset that he took it upon himself to come over and cook something with actual nutritional value for me. "How do you expect an athlete to perform well without breakfast?!", he'd always scold me.

Eventually I gave him a key to the apartment so I didn't have to wake up to let him in. And of course, I really did enjoy the company of my best friend. He'd drop anything to come over if I needed something or just wanted company, and I'd do the same for him.

I nodded and smiled around my chopsticks as I took a bite of fish. "You're a really good friend, you know that?" I said to him. I could feel his head get bigger on his shoulders, but I ignored it along with the knowing smirk on his face. "You'd probably die without me, Kaashi-kuuun." He said knowingly. Much too tired for the snark, I let him get it all out of his system during our meal. If we were going to get the rink keys back to Konoha in time for opening, we didn't have much time to mess around. We made quick work of cleanup, and Oikawa ransacked my closet to put me in a "cute" ice-friendly outfit. After we finally settled on some black sweatpants and a blue oversized long sleeve tee, we were off.

Konoha was jogging up to my car as I was parking, so I rolled down my window to prepare to just pass the keys off. There weren't many people coming to skate this early on a Sunday yet, but I still didn't like being late. He quickly thanked us before running off with the lanyard, and Oikawa and I collected our bags from the trunk.

There were a few guests trickling into the rink, mostly younger kids with parents and teenagers with nothing else to do with their weekends. I scanned the parking lot- a few cars here in there, a black truck, some bikes on the rack-

_Black truck. Familiar black truck?_

That doesn't make any sense. Yeah, it's probably not him anyway, there's no reason for him to be here right now anyway. Right? Multiple people can have the same kind of car. No need to fuss.

One minute I was walking normally, the next there was a _thunk_ and an ache spread across my forehead. I had gracefully walked right into the front door of the rink. Being distracted by a boy is just _so_ fun.

"You have to _open_ the door first, silly," Oikawa teased as he reached to pull the door open. I ignored him as I walked in and tried my best not to groan in pain.

From the window, I could only see a small section of the usual rink we skated in, but today's public session was being held in the facility's second rank while the ice was getting cut this morning. So basically, I had no way of getting a reading on who exactly was here today. I swallowed the lump in my throat and proceeded down the hallway to the other rink. I could hear Oikawa whining behind me for not waiting on him, but making sure his hair looked perfect didn't exactly help my case here.

The rink was filled with conversation and the occasional yelling of children. There was a small sum of people on the ice from what I could see, maybe about fifteen guests. Most of them were huddled at the walls trying to keep their balance. But the territory in the middle of the rink was claimed by a group of four people who definitely knew how to skate unlike the other patrons. Unable to see properly, I dug for my glasses and put them on for a better look. 

The first person I saw had a hockey stick in hand. Well _that_ wasn't allowed during public sessions- Konoha must have let it slip since it's not too busy. He looked familiar, but I wasn't quite sure. The second guy had a stick too, he was taller with some severe bedhead. I suddenly remembered Kenma's boyfriend, and confirmed it was him when I moved to look at the third person in the group, Kenma himself. He stood a bit off to the side, a hockey stick held lazily in the hand that wasn't occupied by his phone. I could totally see Kuroo-san dragging Kenma out here on a Sunday morning. The two were pretty different in terms of energy levels, but I think it made them a cuter couple. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind going up to them just to say hey. I wouldn't ever intentionally avoid my friends. Person number four of this group however, was plenty reason to do so right now. 

Bokuto was as lively as ever, hooting loudly with a lopsided smile that made my heart do flips in my chest as the guys passed the puck around on the ice. He was dressed pretty lazy like the rest of the guys in a white Nike tee and sweats, but his jacket was off and I got an exceptional view of his arm muscles at work. Hiding in the bleachers and observing now seemed like a rather nice way to spend my Sunday.

Oikawa was at my side a moment later, already digging into our bags to gather up our skates. 

"Why are you in such a hurry, Oikawa-san?" I asked as I came up to him and took my boots from his hands. He glared at me, his face giving me that _how-can-you-possibly-not-know-right-now?_ look. " _Why?",_ he scoffed at me. He plopped down dramatically on the bench and kicked off his sneakers. "Because the love of my life is here, obviously!"

I sat down next to him and started lacing up my own skates. So the boy I didn't recognize at first was Iwaizumi-san. "You gonna try to impress him with some moves, then?" I asked. I really had no right to be making fun of him right now, considering how I was literally just about to spend the session hiding and watching Bokuto. He hopped up and snatched up my hand, dragging me off to the ice. "Probably not this time. Today I plan to just make him fall for my beautiful face. But what about _you,_ Kaashi-kun? Someone's here, and is probably dying to talk to you."

Sighing, I wriggled my wrist from his grip and stopped near the wall to remove my guards. "You act like I actually want him to know that I'm here," I argued. 

Oikawa gave me a concerned look, brown eyes narrowing at my face slightly. "Why don't you? From what Hinata-kun has said, that boy hasn't stopped asking about you since you two met."

_Because he saw me grieving with not context,_ I thought to myself. _Because he saw me vulnerable before he even knew anything about me._

"Just nervous," I half-lied to him. It wasn't a complete lie, because in truth Bokuto had really managed to make my heart flutter just by saying hello. Oikawa giggled at my side, then pulled me by the hand onto the ice. "Ah, a first love. So precious, so wholesome!" he swooned, causing me to gag a little bit. 

"AKAASHI-KUN!!!"

Before I knew it, Bokuto himself was rushing towards us, skating like his life depended on how fast he got to us. The smile on his face was blinding and his wild hair was sticking up in every which way. His tee shirt rode up a little bit as he made his way over, flashing a patch of his abdomen.

_God? Are you there?_

When he reached Oikawa and I Bokuto stopped hard enough to make ice fly up every which way. On skates or not, he was incredibly tall. His hands were clad in black gloves and gripped his hockey stick tight. Before I could respond, Oikawa winked at me and flew off in Kenma's direction, leaving me alone with Bokuto at the entrance to the ice.

"Hey hey! How's your morning been so far, Akaash?" Bokuto asked. 

"It's been good," I responded quietly. I busied my hands with tugging on my own gloves so I wouldn't start playing with my fingers. A common nervous habit of mine, but Bokuto had already seen to much of my weaknesses. I looked away. 

When Bokuto bent over to put his face in front of mine, I nearly jumped out of my skin. Every attempt I made to break eye contact, he'd immediately counter. "Are you okay?" He asked. "You look a little bit sad."

A pair of skaters, both resembling Bambi on the ice, wobbled past us while clinging to the wall. I mumbled an apology before moving out of their way. We weren't exactly standing in the best place to be having a conversation, but I welcomed the diversion it created. 

"Akaash?" He prodded again. This time, he nudged his shoulder against mine. How I didn't tip over from the movement, I had no idea. He was really close now. I could see all of his features now, in the light instead of darkness. He just looked so... strong. Like the kind of guy you'd cheer for at a game even if you didn't know him. God, with a chest as nice as that, he probably gave the nicest hugs. I bet he's warm- could he be the cuddly type? I would die on the spot if Bokuto was cuddly.

"Hello?"

"I'm great!" I squeaked- _squeaked!-_ up at him hurriedly. When he looked at me questioningly, I reverted looking down at my fidgety hands. "Yup, great.. ha. What about you?"

Something warm and rough touched my chin, tipping my head back up. My eyes met Bokuto's, and he smiled that adorable smile at me. "Then cheer up a bit! You look the most beautiful when you smile." 

"I'm sorry, _what?"_

I couldn't be hearing that correctly. He gave me another slightly confused look, head tilted and all. "What? I'm just saying you're beautiful, because it's true!" he moved his hand from my chin to tap the side of my glasses. "You're cute when you get confused, too."

My face was probably hot enough to fry an egg on my cheek, and there was absolutely no hiding it. Was he trying to be cool, or is he just speaking his mind? My lack of confidence assumed the former, but that smile felt so pure and genuine that I knew it was the latter. I needed to calm down a little bit. Or at least, stop being so nervous. "Thank you, Bokuto-san." 

"No need to thank me for stating the obvious," he laughed before his expression turned a bit more serious. "But hey, can I tell you someting?" Bokuto asked. I sensed the change and mood and put a bit of space between us. If I wanted to really listen to what he had to say, I needed to be able to think straight. I gave him a look that I hope communicated that I was listening. 

One of his hands went up to gingerly rub at the back of his neck. "I know you probably don't wanna talk about it," he began. His smile turned into a more embarrassed one. "I just wanted to say again that I'm really sorry about last night-"

"Hey, watch out!"

Another group of skaters passed and the two of us had to once again awkwardly shuffle out of the way. Bokuto let them pass happily, giving out a few polite apologies and greetings, but the slight disappointment from being interrupted in his eyes was enough to get me to move. "Bokuto-san," I said. He turned to look at me expectantly.

"Let's move out of the way first." _And then I can listen to you with no distractions._

Bokuto reached out and grabbed my hand and leaned his hockey stick against the wall. "Okay! Wanna skate with me, then?" he asked. I couldn't help but return his smile when I answered, "Sure."

Without warning, he tugged me along with him as he started skating around the perimeter of the rink. We were passing most people for obvious reasons, but not fast enough that I couldn't hear what he was saying. I didn't realize I was still holding his hand in my own until I felt a gentle tug. When I looked down, I saw our fingers laced together. Flustered, I let go and let my arms dangle at my sides. If he was able to see through me with that intense gaze right now, he had no intention of teasing me for it. "I wish I wasn't wearing gloves right now," Bokuto commented out of the blue. 

"Why not?"

He sped up to get in front of me before flipping his direction to face me while he skated. "Because your hands look really soft. I didn't get to feel them with these on," he said casually.

Go ahead and add this to my list of most embarrassing moments, because I once again forgot how to skate in Bokuto's presence. I would have faceplanted right on the ice if he hadn't stopped to catch me, and instead faceplanted right into his chest. My arms flew around his waist in panic to stop myself from slipping.

"Don't worry, I gotcha!" He said playfully as he steadied me. I finally regained my footing, but Bokuto made no efforts to pull me away. "Do you fall a lot on the ice, or just when I'm here?" he teased. 

"Absolutely not," I countered, scrambling until I was a few feet away from him again. When he saw my annoyed expression, Bokuto laughed heartily. "I'm just messing with ya, don't worry. I still think you're amazing!"

Okay, I needed to change the subject here before I combusted right in front of him. "Uhh, what was it that you were trying to say back there?" I quickly inserted. Bokuto took off again, this time at a much slower pace, and waved for me to join him. When we were side by side, he spoke.

"I just wanted to apologize about last night again. I don't know what exactly I saw back there, but I wanted you to know that it doesn't make me think you're any less great. And if you don't mind, I'd still really like to get to know you."

Ah, there it was. I know I can't just cast some magic spell and erase last night from Bokuto's memories, no matter how much I wanted to. No matter what happens between us, he won't forget. What will come to mind every time he looks at me now? Probably me crying, me drowning in my own grief. Will he think I'm a lot weaker now? Well, I mean, he wouldn't exactly be _wrong_ if he thought that, because I pretty much am.

But, all of those fears aside, he said he wanted to get to know me. I searched those eyes for the lie, tried to peel back any layers that hidden intentions may be hiding behind-and found... _nothing._ He was emanated nothing short of unfiltered sincerity. Whatever worth he was seeing in me right now, I don't think I've ever felt at all myself.

"I'm not very interesting, you know. You'll figure out soon that I'm not exactly worth your time, Bokuto-san." I said flatly. 

Maybe this wasn't a good idea, after all. It would save me from a lot of heartbreak down the road to say no right here. If I stay right here, protected by my walls, there will never be a chance that Bokuto will get bored of me. He'd figure out this busted-up figure skater was way below his league. 

"Aww, come on, don't say that," Bokuto said with a smile. He inched closer until we were skating in sync, then linked our arms together.

"I may not know you very well just yet, but I can already tell that you deserve the world, Akaashi-kun."

"I... don't agree with that." I muttered. I tried to pull my arm away, but Bokuto only pulled me closer.

"Well, don't worry about that. You may not believe it just yet, but now that I'm gonna be with you, I'm gonna make sure you discover just how amazing you are! So what do you say? Will you give me a chance?"

_I'm gonna be with you._

_...just how amazing you are._

Yes, I wanted to. So, so, _so_ badly. Yet, something still wasn't sitting with me right. My broken heart doesn't deserve someone like this. It will end the way I know I make everyone else feel aready- I'll either drag him down with me, or he'll give up.

I turn my feet in, blades scratching against the ice. I dragged both of us to a stop in the middle of the rink. The small amount of traffic filtered its way around us as we stood in the way of other skaters. Without meeting his eyes, I gently untangled my arm from his. 

I backed away from him. Inch by inch, something inside me felt as if it was cracking. It felt so nice to have our arms together like that, but like this false sense of hope, it was just too good to be true.

_You would leave me sooner or later, so I will leave you first._

"I'm sorry, but I can't." I croaked out. I bowed my head and looked down at my hands. My fingers were fidgeting badly now, maybe even trembling a little bit.

Panic sparked in Bokuto's eyes. "No, wait..! Was it something my said? If I accidentally offended you, I-"

"No, Bokuto-san. It's not you," I cut him off gently. "Thank you very much for your time. And about last night, it's okay."

_I was going to let you down anyway. I might as well do it now._

"I'm sorry, but I just..."

_I'm too afraid to lose again._

The sentence faltered, dissolving with my breath in the cold air around us. Everything about him was just so happy, so strong, so good. I am not what he thinks I am. Without another word, I maneuvered between a few passerbys and left the rink. Oikawa called out after me, but I gave him silence instead of an answer. This was the right thing to do. So why did it feel so awful?

"Hey, hey, don't leave just yet!"

His voice was pleading, filled with worry. Someone so kind like him, I didn't deserve to worry him. Or anyone else for that matter,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trying to describe ice hockey is actually a lot harder than i thought it would be lolllllll but pls bear with me!! if there's anything that you might not understand about skating or anything, feel free to let me know!!
> 
> thanks for leaving kudos, comments, and dropping a bookmark!! i really appreciate it!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> update time:) sorry last chapter was literally ass i was dealing with some heavy stuff. but from here on out get ready for some relationship building!!! ha ha... yeah...
> 
> thanks for reading!

Since it clearly wasn't enough that this man was occupying my daily thoughts and daydreams, Bokuto's searing gaze was starting to make appearances in my dreams at night. My drive home from the rink, I was distracted with my own sweltering thoughts. I wanted to go back and tell Bokuto how I felt about him too. That I wanted _him_ to give me a chance. But how could I now? I've basically rejected him, pushed him away twice now. He was being so king to me, respecting my space, and without a doubt become the biggest reason I've been smiling to myself like an idiot these past few days. And what did I do? I snapped at him, tried to avoid him. I disregarded his feelings out of fear of my own, then left without a word to anyone else.

Great job, me. Real nice of you. I bet Bokuto really likes you now.

Not only did I feel like a grade A guilty asshole right now, I also felt like a moron. This Sunday was supposed to be productive for me. Get on the ice, work out the kinks of some of my elements, and be ready to train efficiently in the coming week. So much for that this morning. Maybe I could go back later in the day. There was no way they'd stay for more than a few hours. Plus, if I decided to go back later, there was less of a chance of me getting distracted by friends trying to talk to me. It's not that I don't want to talk to my friends; I love all of them more than life itself. Without them, I wouldn't have been able to stick the pieces of my life together after losing dad. But if I was going to keep improving, I had to focus on me and me alone during my time on the ice.

My time on the ice. _All_ my time was pretty much spent on the ice. I had free time on the weekends, yes, and my daily training didn't take up the entire day. But how else am I supposed to distract myself without working till I dropped.

Something inside me was still yearning, tugging on my metaphorical sleeve to follow it back to the person I really didn't want to see right now. Just the thought of that lopsided grin brought a smile to my face. The unintentional fantasies of the body hiding beneath those clothes brought a burning heat to my cheeks. I had never wanted a person in the way I've been wanting Bokuto lately, and that scared me.

I shut my laptop with a sigh, looking down at my feet. Beneath those black fuzzy socks laid a mess I really didn't want to deal with at the moment, but my ankles were begging for me to do something. I stretched my arm as far as it could possibly go until I hooked my fingers around my bag, and pulled it down next to me on the ground. After taking my computer on my lap I replaced it with said bag and rummaged through until I found my target.

I slid the resistance band around my foot and pulled my knee close to my chest. With careful movements, I began rolling my ankles back and forth. Slowly flexing and unflexing my foot to make sure I paid attention to every aching part of my ankle. Being a figure skater demanded the upmost strength from one's body, but spending hours and hours in those boots tends to leave most skaters with weak ankles. I happened to be a part of that statistic.

My other foot was just about secured in the band when I heard the telltale sounds of movement at my front door. I internally facepalmed. No doubt, Oikawa had come back to chew me out over ditching everyone without so much as a 'hello.' I probably deserved it, but I could also deserve it _later._

"I know what you're going to say, and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have you guys like that, but just hear me out before you start fussing at me."

The front door clicked shut somewhere off behind me. There was the faint rustling of bags being set on the table next to the entryway, and a voice that was all too calm to be Oikawa's answered. "I'm not here to fuss at you at all. I came to check on you since you left so suddenly. It's not like you to pass up some extra practice time."

Hands still holding the resistance band, I craned my neck to see Kenma worrying over his coat in the entryway. A moment later he settled down next to me on my living room floor. I offered him an apologetic smile. "My bad. I was sure that you were Oikawa coming to scold me about leaving him at the rink."

"Well, you did sort of leave him stranded considering you guys came together, but I took care of him."

_Shit._

I buried my face in my hands, my shame exiting my body via groaning. I was so set on getting out of there, I ditched Oikawa and left him without a ride home. Geez, I'm really just raking in these good-person points today. "Ugh, I really screwed up this morning. I should call him and apologize, I'll buy him dinner too. I can't believe I just forgot like that."

My hand was halfway to my phone when Kenma's beat me to it. He scooped it up and set it down on his opposite side, then turned to me. "You didn't exactly forget him, you were just distracted somehow. I can tell something's overwhelming you right now, Keiji- and that's exactly why I came over."

"How'd you even get in here?" I asked Kenma. I wrapped up my ankle exercises and made my way into the kitchen. "Also, do you need anything? Food, water? Did you eat this morning?" I gathered a few bottles of water up in one hand. The pot I had warmed some in was gently steaming on the burner, so I got a few bowls out and ladled some of the contents into them.

"Anything warm works for me. Kuroo made me eat breakfast this morning, so don't worry. Also, Tooru likes to take up as much space as possible when he unpacks, so it was pretty easy to borrow his keys. That man is lucky he's never been robbed before, the way he's so careless with his things."

It was pretty hard to disagree with Kenma's words, as I'd seen firsthand just how forgetful Oikawa could be with his things. Suga used to enjoy messing with him at any time possible-which was often,- and hide his things around the warm-up room. You think he'd learn after the first time, but nope. Our best friend could really benefit from someone a little more organized than him.

"Makes sense," I said as I handed him a bowl. I hadn't noticed the spread of warm pastries on my coffee table until I sat back down next to him. When I asked, he informed me they were Suga's _I'm-worried-about-you-but-want-to-give-you-space_ gifts.

I selected a muffin and broke open the warm bround surface. It was fluffy inside, swirled with delicious-smelling spices. Kenma shifted to sit with his legs crossed. "So, I think it's safe to assume that this might've had to do with Bokuto-san?" he asked. I sighed, inwardly taking my time to pull my feelings together enough to talk. "Yeah," I said in between bites. "He was just being so...nice. A bit forward, too, but that just seems to be his personality. I got nervous when he started talking to me. I guess I just kind of bolted." I turned to look at Kenma. His hair was fully down this morning, roots peaking at me stronger than usual. But his face told me he wasn't buying it. "You're not telling me the whole story. Shoyou was also awful fidgety yesterday, so I know you're hiding something. Did something else happen with Bokuto?"

The urge to mess with my fingers bubbled up inside me. I occupied them by toying with the muffin wrapper and pulling another chunk off. Kenma wouldn't press me too much if I told him I didn't want to talk, but honestly, I kind of did. He was one of the most level-headed people I've ever met, and if anyone would listen to me, it was him. 

"Yeah, something did. The day I met him I was really nervous. He's incredible from what I've seen. He was so sweet and genuine, and I can just tell all of his friends love him by how they interact. Hinata told me the other day that he was asking about me. Naturally, I didn't have the guts to really act on that. On Saturday night, I took Hinata-kun with me to the rink. We worked on some technique stuff for a while, then after that I did what I always do there. But what Hinata didn't tell me was that he brought Bokuto with him, or something like that. Basically, I ran through dad's program and fell apart as I usually do, and he saw the _whole thing._ Everything. I felt so humiliated. I know he didn't mean any harm, but I snapped out of him to try to protect myself.

He apologized to me after that. He also tried to check on me, comfort me, but I freaking ran away from him. This morning when I came in to practice, I saw him. He apologized again. We talked a little bit, and he told me he wanted to keep getting to know me, that he didn't think of me any differently after that night. But Kenma, I was so scared. I was afraid that it was too good to be true, that maybe..."

"That he'd leave you over something you're overthinking right now?" Kenma finished. There was nothing to argue with there. I nodded my head in defeat. "It was nearly too much for me to deal with when I lost dad. If I were to fall in love and have that person leave me too, I'd be done for." 

Kenma didn't respond for a few moments. He scooted himself over until there was no space between us. The tears were welling up so quickly I could barely see. I dove for his chest, my head landing in his lap as his small arms looped around my shoulders. 

Love was never something I wanted to deal with. No matter what kind of live you had for that person, it didn't make it any better or worse when they left. The hole in my heart was nowhere near healed yet, two whole years down the road. Would a romantic love being ripped away from me be any different? Bokuto was way too good for someone like that. Why did liking someone have to be so _fucking_ hard?

The realization hit me right there as I cried in Kenma's lap. Was I really starting to like him?

"I know it might not matter coming from me, but Bokuto-san is close friends with Shoyou. Even closer to Kuroo. Due to that, I get to deal with their asses at least three times a week. But I hear everything Bokuto has said about you, and it seems like he really likes you. It's okay to not be sure just yet. You have to do what's right for you. My point here, though, is that you think you've ruined everything with him before you've even started. You think you're not good enough for him, that he'll just drop you like it's nothing. You're so scared of getting hurt that you're locking feelings away, and I don't like seeing you like that."

Swiping my tears from my eyes, I look up to gaze at Kenma. His gaze was serious. He reached out to place a hand on the top of my head. "It's not my choice at all here, but I think you should give Bokuto-san a chance. It doesn't have to be some serious relationship right off the bat; you two barely know each other. How about you try to just be his friend? I think it'd be good for you. And _he_ would probably over the moon just for that."

I played with the suggestion in my mind, chewing at my bottom lip. Being his friend didn't sound as scary as what I had imagined. And, maybe, it would be fun? I could get to know him at a safe distance, and he'd never have to know how I felt about him. I could do friends.

"You think he'll still want to talk to me after I blew him off twice?" I mentally smacked myself across the face. I made myself a promise in that moment that I would never do that to him again. But the running away bit? That was gonna take some work. 

Kenma smiled at me. His hand gently palmed my hair, pushing the strands back into place. "Trust me," he said. "He'll be elated to know you still want to see him. But I think you owe him an apology." 

I nodded in agreement. Kenma tugged his arms free to wrap me up in a soft hug. He had only started to warm up to physical contact with anyone a few years ago. I tend to let him do whatever makes him comfortable without pushing it. But a hug from my best friend while I was upset sounded amazing right now. I tried my best from my awkward position to return it. "Thanks for listening to me ramble on like that," I said into his shirt. "I feel a lot better now."

"That's all that matters to me. I could tell you were feeling off the minute I saw you." Kenma responded.

We separated from each other and returned our attention to the food on the table. Despite eating breakfast with Oikawa this morning, I was still pretty hungry. I ate like a horse compared to Kenma, who took his time and didn't eat too much. I didn't mind though. Being patient with Kenma while he ate was one of the few ways we could all support him getting better, and that's just what we did. Every so often I gently encouraged him that it was perfectly fine to eat however much he wanted. Recovering from an eating disorder is no easy feat no matter who you are. It had been almost a year into recovery for him, and he was doing great, but sometimes old demons come back to haunt you.

About an hour later Kenma and I finished up our little rag-tag brunch. The clock read 1:00 as we were wrapping up cleaning. I handed Kenma a towel to dry his hands and asked him, "Are you doing anything else today, Ken?" He took it from me and rubbed his skin dry. "I was planning on touching up my roots today, but Kuroo's still out with the guys right now."

He handed me the towel. I hung it on the oven handle. "Why not ask Hinata-kun? Hasn't he helped you before?" Kenma's eyes bulged out of their sockets as fear flashed across his face. A hand involuntarily flew up to his hair. "Actually, I'll just try to do it myself." he quickly remarked. It took everything I had in me and a sharp bite to the inside of my cheek to keep me from laughing. It was terrifying to imagine that boy using those chemicals on someone else's hair. I shuddered just thinking about it. "I could always do it for you, Ken." I smiled at him. "We haven't done that together in a while." He smiled back at me slightly. "Yeah, you're definitely my safest option at the moment." 

\---

Kenma may not be the most energetic person in the world, but that just makes it even harder to argue with him when he has his mind set on something. In this particular case, we were having an argument over who'd buy the hair dye almost entirely with facial expressions. 

"Why do you have to buy it? It's not going in your hair," Kenma argued, holding the box of dye firmly. I reached out to tug it free, but my efforts were all for naught. "You ditched Kuroo to come cheer me up, at least let be buy this as a thank-you."

"But you already thanked me earlier."

"If you don't let me buy it, I'll kick you out."

"Okay."

I rolled my eyes, clapping one hand over my forehead. "Fine, you win. But I'm buying you and Oikawa-san dinner." Kenma's lips were curled into a victorious little smirk. It was similar to the look he got when he managed to snag a new game, or when he finally landed a jump that was bothering him way more than he was letting on. He may be amazing at reading people and keeping a mellow mood, but I'm pretty good at getting a feel for others on ice. I then realized after thinking this that most of the things I'm pretty good at are all on ice. I wondered whether I should be worried about that or not, but shook it off when he replied.

"I'm not exactly against that, but Kuroo might wiggle his way into our plans somehow. I don't want you having to pay for both of us. With the way he eats, you might as well be paying for a small family." he said.

The tiny smile grew a little bit bigger while he spoke. I figured it was because he was talking about his boyfriend. From what I knew, Kuroo and Kenma had known each other almost their entire lives. I had vague memories of seeing him at old recitals and such, but I didn't really get to know him as a friend up until a few years ago. My heart was happy to see Kenma like this, but it also brought with it a small pang of jealousy. Having someone to smile about like that must be nice.

I turned on my heel, starting towards the register when Kenma came to walk at my side. "I don't mind him coming along with us. You've been pretty busy lately, so I know how much you probably want to. Or, we can always reschedule and you two could just make it a date night." Offering to third wheel with them didn't sound like the most enjoyable experience in the world. But one way or another, I was gonna get my best friend some dinner. I greeted the cashier with a smile after Kenma completely ignored her, busy with opening his wallet. "No, that's okay. Our date nights are usually just at home. It would be nice if you came, but only if you don't feel uncomfortable."

"It'll be alright. Besides, I can also use tonight to thank Kuroo-san for buying us both dinner the other night." I insisted. Kenma hummed in response, eyes downcast as he gave the cashier his card. She swiped it, bagged the dye, and handed everything back to me since Kenma was occupied on his phone. I steered the two of us out of the store.

After Kenma nearly getting hit by two cars and me having to drag him out of the way, we finally arrived at my car in one piece. He only put his phone down when he was strapped in. "Kuroo-san said he doesn't know just yet if he can do dinner tonight, but if he can he offered to pick us up."

The engine purred to life and I pulled out of the busy lot cautiously. "Sounds good to me. What do you guys want?" 

"Kuroo just wants mackerel, but it's all he's been eating this week. I'll make him suck it up and go with sushi." I nodded in agreement. My focus partially disconnected from the road in front of me when I remembered something important. "Shoot, I forgot to have you ask him. I promised myself I'd get Oikawa dinner tonight." 

Faint music floated through the air from Kenma's PSP. "Kuroo won't cate," he said flatly. That was pretty much all I needed to hear. The rest of the drive was spent in comfortable silence, where I couldn't help but let my mind wander to what a date night with a certain hockey player could be like. Personally, I leaned more to Kenma's approach. Watching a movie and getting takeout at home sounded more my style for a date. But wouldn't Bokuto want something more fun? He'd probably want to go somewhere fun and high-energy, like an amusement park. Bokuto was probably a bit on the spontaneous side, while I was more reserved. 

It no longer surprised me that all of my little daydreams like this one were centered around Bokuto. For some reason, I was now feeling really excited to (hopefully) get to become his friend. 

_Or something more._

_\---_

Since Kenma had the bleach, toner, and everything else needed to touch up his roots, all we had to buy was some more dye. However, we forgot the key detail that everything else that we needed was at his apartment. Not mine. A phone call or two later, Kuroo was knocking on my door with a bag full of hair products. 

Kenma barely acknowledged his presence in the apartment, eyes glued to his game. This didn't phase Kuroo much. I took the bag from him as he kicked his shoes off. "Thanks for coming out of your way to do this. I hope we didn't interrupt you and your friends because of this," I apologized as he followed me into the apartment. "Nah, you're all good. Iwa had to leave for work and Bo had to go pick up his little brother. I was actually excited to come by, since I was just sitting on my ass at home waiting for Kenma," he laughed. 

Bokuto had a little brother? Oh, my god. That had to be the most adorable thing I'd ever heard. I bet he was such a sweet big brother. Before my heart could pop and my blush could be noticed, I turned to walk to the bathroom. Kuroo followed behind me. "Well now you get to come hang with us. Oikawa-san will probably be meeting us for dinner too. You know him, right?"

"Oh, yeah. Brown hair, tall, constantly ogling Hajime? I think I know." He wiggled his eyebrows at me. After I finished unpacking the products I immediately threw the bag into his face. He caught it with ease. "Don't worry, don't worry, I won't tell anyone. Hajime hasn't really noticed yet since he's always so serious anyway. But, I also know someone who's been acting all serious lately as welllll..."

He threw the bag back in my direction, and I dodged it at the last second. "I have no idea what you are talking about, Kuroo-san." Kuroo grinned at me, the fact that his smark remark was met with another smart remark of my own not getting past him. "Bokuto really likes you, you know." he said bluntly.

Well, way to get right to the point. I nearly spilled the bleach I was mixing while he spoke, narrowly avoiding an astronomical mess. He looked at me with a shit-eating grin. I tried to glare back, but I didn't exactly have finesse on my side anymore. "And why are you telling me this now?" I questioned.

Kuroo leaned against the door frame. I suppressed the urge to squirt the bottle of conditioner in my hands into that awful bedhead of his. "I'm telling you because Bokuto is my best friend. And after this morning, he's been sulking around like a kicked puppy. I was gonna come by to convince you to give him another chance. The hair junk just happened to give me an excuse to come by now.

I know you might have your reasons to not wanna date him and what not. I also know that there might be things you're dealing with that I don't know about, and that's totally fine. But Akaashi-san, Bokuto is one of the kindest, most caring friends I've ever had. He would _never_ upset you on purpose. So could you please give him a chance, at least be his friend or something? I can promise you you'll never regret it. I know us guys sure as hell don't regret being his friends."

I finished mixing the bleach and set the tools down on the counter, staring down at them intently. Kuroo gave me a few moments to process his words. But in reality, I had kind of already done that today. Kenma had pretty much told me to do the same thing-give Bokuto a chance. But this time, it was coming from someone who really knew Bokuto. I had already decided what I wanted, but there was something I had to clear up first. 

"First of all, it really should be _me_ asking _him_ for another chance. I've been so nervous around him, I've already gotten snappy with him. But I believe you, Kuroo-san. I really want to give it a chance with him." 

After saying that out loud, it felt as if some of the tension within me had been relieved. It was a lot easier to be more confident when you knew what you wanted. Kuroo grinned widely at me, clapping me playfully on the shoulder. "Great. Again, I promise you won't regret it. And hey, it'll probably be good for you get to know someone who's not all wrapped up in your little figure skating world. I'd like to see you smile for once- _Wo_ _ooah!_ Okay, okay, I'll shut up, just don't touch the hair!" His hands flew up to shield his hair when I pointed the spray bottle at him. It was only water, I wasn't _that_ much of an asshole, but if I could get a laugh out of making Kuroo shut up, then I would. I set down my weapon to finish prepping the hair products. I opened my mouth to call for Kenma. 

Right on cue, Kenma's small body appeared in the doorway. He shuffled past us to sit on the toiled lid, awaiting his in-house salon appointment. "Akaashi-san, there's a weird guy in your house." he said flatly.

Kuroo's jaw dropped to the ground. "Weird- How dare you?! I'll have you know, this _weird guy_ came all the way over here to bring you the goods. And on top of that, he will be driving your ass, and friends, to dinner tonight." Kenma and I looked at each other, then turned to look back at the spluttering idiot in front of us. Defeated, Kuroo crossed his arms with a _hmph._ He dug his phone out of his pocket and muttered something under his breath about "having the audacity to insult him." We ignored him.

Painting the products into Kenma's hair was a breeze. I was done in fifteen minutes tops. While I was setting a timer to wait for the product to sit in his hair, Kuroo's phone went off. I watched him look down at his phone, look away calmly, do a double take at the screen, then sprint out of the bathroom. Shrugging it off, I went to work cleaning the mess we had created on the counter. All that was left to do was rinse out the bleach, apply some toner, and wash his hair. 

Since I was in charge of the whole ordeal, barely any time was wasted. Kenma remained perched on the toilet seat with game in hand. I took advantage of the break to finally let ask Oikawa about tonight. 

**_Akaashi- 2:02pm_**

**_Hey, you up for dinner tonight w Kuroo and Kenma? I'll pay for u_ **

Not even a minute passed when his contact lit my screen up with his response.

_**Tooru- 2:03pm**_

_**Don't know, U gonna leave me there stranded too?-_-** _

_** Akaashi-2:07pm** _

_**I'm sorry. Let me apologize to u with free sushi pls** _

The alarm on my phone startled me back into reality. I scrambled to shut it off before the offensive noise could continue stabbing my eardrums, then glanced at Kenma. "Your shampoo and conditioner are already in the shower. Go ahead and rinse off, then call me back in if you need help with the toner." I said. Kenma reluctantly handed me his game and went to work turning on my shower. I got up and made my out of the bathroom to give Kenma some privacy.

_**Tooru-2:011pm** _

_**Can I sleep over pleeeaaseee?** _

_**Akaashi-2:14pm** _

_**Don't push it.** _

__

My living room was full of loud, obnoxious laughter when I entered. Stretched out on my couch was Kuroo with his phone to his ear. He snorted so hard at one point I was prepared to get him a glass of water if he choked. I took a step forward and cleared my throat. Kuroo glanced up at me. When I gave him a questioning look, he said goodbye to whoever he was on the phone with and sat up straight. "I have a proposal for you," he said. Yeah, I wasn't sure if I liked the sound of that. "Should I be concerned?" I asked, leaning against the armrest. This earned me another hyena-esque laugh, but this time not as alarming. "Well no, not for like, your safety or anything," he responded. I narrowed my eyes at him. "Just say it, Kuroo-san." 

"Say what?" asked a voice from behind us. Kuroo and I looked back to see Kenma emerging from the bathroom followed by a trail of hot steam. Hi newly-colored hair was dripping wet, a few strands sticking here and there to his face. He wore the gym shorts he previously came to my apartment in, and a hoodie that obviously belonged to Kuroo-the back even sporting his name and number. 

_I wanna wear someone's number..._

Next to me, Kuroo sat with the gushiest expression on his face. I could see him dying inside at the site of Kenma fresh out of the shower, but if Kenma did as well he didn't think much of it."Kenmaaa!!" he cooed, launching out of his spot on the couch to practically tackle Kenma. Kuroo attached himself to his boyfriend, poking teasingly at his cheeks and planting kissed to the top of his head. Once again I felt that small pang of jealousy. 

Kenma being the observant guy he was picked up on my shift in mood and wiggled his way out of his swooning boyfriend's hold. "Are you going to continue with what you were saying?" 

Kuroo snapped out of it in an instant. "Oh, yeah, my proposal," he said before turning to me. "I think that we should invite Bo to dinner with us. Thoughts?" he glanced back and forth between me and Kenma. Kenma scooted a bit closer to me. "Don't feel forced to do anything you're not comfortable with. He just wants to be a good wingman." he whispered to me. But even though I was nervous, I didn't feel too negatively about this suggestion. We were going in a group, so it's not like I'd have to be alone with him just yet. Not that I didn't like the idea of that- I just wasn't sure if I was ready yet. I'd get to treat two friends to dinner, and while Bokuto and Kuroo were occupied with each other, I'd get a chance to spend some time around him in a space that felt much safer than the rink. "I think that would be nice," I quipped.

"Alright then, it's settled!" Kuroo announced. "Is there anyone else you guys would like to add to the party? Shrimpy maybe? Speak now or forever hold your peace." I had nothing else to say on the situation, but Kenma tugged on Kuroo's sleeve. He leaned over until Kenma's mouth was at his ear. His brows knit together in concentration. It was moments like these that always made me happy they were together- Kuroo cared about Kenma a lot, and one of the many ways he proved it was listening intently to everything he had to say. When Kenma started talking a bit more a few years back, I knew it had something to do with him.

Kuroo stood up to look at Kenma's face. They nodded at each other and turned to me. With a lazy smile, Kuroo put a hand on the top of Kenma's head and rubbed his hair. "Okay. I'll swing by around 5:30 to pick you up. If Oikawa can't meet you guys here, text me his address."

"Thanks for stopping by, Kuroo-san. You were a big help." I said. I offered him a knowing smile, and both of us could tell that it wasn't just the hair dye Kuroo had helped out with. He smiled back, throwing an arm around Kenma. "Any friend of Kenma's is a friend of mine!" he said kindly. 

Beside him, Kenma kept his eyes glued to the floor. However I didn't miss the arm that snaked up to clutch at Kuroo's shirt. I laughed softly. "That's good. I'll see you guys later." I walked them to the door and closed it behind them, my hand on the door gripping so softly it was as if the knob was made of tissue paper. The moment the lock clicked, it was as if all of the realization came tumbling down onto my head.

It felt like the weight of an anvil. My heartbeat kicked up in my chest. I was going to dinner. With Bokuto. 

No, no, no. Don't freak out just yet. It was dinner with a group. It wasn't just me and him. It wasn't a date. We would be with friends. 

I worked to steady my pulse and slow down my breathing as I made my way to my bathroom. It smelled faintly of bleach and conditioner. I scooped up the garbage and tossed it into the bin before stripping in the middle of the bathroom. A hot shower would calm my nerves down. As an extra step, I took a lavender and vanilla-scented bath fizzy in the corner of the shower. It was like a bath bomb for the shower- when the water hits it, it'll infuse the steam or something. I didn't really know the science behind it. They also didn't really do anything to calm my nerves in the past, but at this point I was betting on a good placebo-effect kind of thing. I turned the water on and stepped into the spray. The heat worked its way beneath my skin and melted the tension in my shoulders. If I wanted tonight to go well, if I wanted things with Bokuto to go well, I had to be calm and cool.

Tea-tree and mint entered my nose as I worked the shampoo into my hair. Was it bad to be using products with a scent this strong when you're going to dinner? Would it make someone sick? Would someone think it was gross or too much?

I shook my head, suds flying from my hair. I couldn't afford to let myself overthink things now. I said yes and there was no going back.

I massaged the shampoo into my scalp, thoughts flooded with Bokuto's smile and contagious laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will obvs have lots more interaction between bokuto and akaashi! sorry they've been kinda awky around each other lately, but trust me. bokuto is a SIMP


	5. Chapter 5

"Come on, Keiji-kun! Don't you think it's a little too soon to be deciding this?" Oikawa pleaded with me. I watched him from my spot cross-legged on my bed as he tore through my closet. Each clothing item he cast aside to the other side of the room sent a cringe through me. He had barged right into my apartment as he usually did, determined to help dress me for tonight's plans. I had just barely made it out of the shower before he was swinging my bedroom door open. The last thing I wanted to do when I got home from this dinner was clean up a mess that someone else made. I reach out and catch a folded hoodie before it hit the floor. "No, I really don't think it's too soon. I just want to be his friend right now. So if you could refrain from playing matchmaker for, like, one night, I would really appreciate it." I said, annoyed. He turned to look at me, a small stack of clothes in his right hand. Now it was his turn to sound annoyed. "Fine, I give up. But you _do_ think he's cute, right?" He pressed. I nodded, pretending to be interested in the lamp next to me on the nightstand. Huffing out a sigh, I said, "I do very much find him attractive. He's really sweet, actually, from what I've seen. But he's so... _forward._ And that's so not _me."_

Oikawa tossed the stack of clothing in my general direction. As he made his way over to the growing pile of items he tossed aside, he replied, "But that doesn't have to be a bad thing, you know," he winked at me. "Opposites attract!" I rolled my eyes for what felt like the hundredth time within this past hour. With Oikawa being as naggy as he was, I was unsure of how worried I actually was about Bokuto's more extroverted vibe. But even so, I needed to stick by my decision. My main priority has to be skating no matter what. And deep down, I knew Oikawa was only whining for the sake of whining. He would never actually try to force me into something I wasn't ready for. "Thanks for trying, but I don't think I want a relationship like that right now. Plus, I barely know Bokuto-san, so it just feels weird that I jumped right into it like that." _It's weird that I started daydreaming about him when I've only met him twice,_ I added in my head. "I'll figure out whether I really like him as a person as his friend first."

For a moment, Oikawa scrunched his face up in thought. My eyes followed him back and forth across the room as he gradually refilled my ransacked closet. He turned to smile at me. Playful, but not his usual sassy smirk. "I understand what you're feeling. I'll stop teasing you about it to the best of my ability." He said. As he walked back to the closet, he threw over his shoulder, "I'm happy seeing you try to make friends again." The words stung me a little bit, but I understood why he said it. Shutting myself out to anyone and everyone besides our squad had become one of my worst habits after dad's passing. I didn't want to dwell on that now, though. "Don't think too much about it. If at any point it feels wrong, I'm out. And I will not be tolerating your meddling." I stated. Oikawa let out a laugh, shutting my closet door. "Don't be so ready to give up so soon, Keiji-kun." He strode towards the bed and settled himself next to me. Putting his hands on my shoulders, he offered me a gentle encouraging smile. "You don't have to be so worried anymore. No one's going anywhere. Just put on that cute smile of yours and finish getting ready for dinner, okay?" He comforted. 

I chewed at my bottom lip as my eyes shifted back and forth between my fidgeting hands and his eyes. He was probably right, that I didn't really have much to be worried about. But Oikawa knew that even his occasional spout of level-headed wisdom could fix the self-doubt and irrational fears that have now taken root deep inside me. They were like weeds- no mater how many times someone tried to uproot them, rip them up, kill them, they would always come back somehow. New people scared me most of the time. I figured if I stuck to my small circle of friends, there was less of a chance someone could up and leave me. 

My eyes trailed down to our knees, which occasionally bumped together when one of us moved. It was impossible to miss the white fabric hugging his knee. Worry filled my chest and I picked my head up to look at him. "Your knee bugging you again?" I asked cautiously. It was a touchy subject, that knee- it nearly ripped his entire skating career out from under him just a short year ago. I hadn't seen him wear the brace since. Pain flickered on his face for a split second before Oikawa waved his hand dismissively. His face twisted into a smile again, but it was forced. "I just wear it sometimes if I'm running a lot to make sure it's supported." He lied. Not wanting to push him, I bit my tongue and swallowed my questions. I didn't want to ruin his good mood by prying, but I made a mental note to do so later. 

We sat together on my bed for a long few moments. Neither of us talked. After my brain caught up with me, I decided to spark up conversation in a new subject. I snatched up the clothes Oikawa picked out for me and hopped off my bed. While he pretended to be immersed in his phone, I tugged off my tee shirt and sweats, leaving me only in my boxers. If it were anyone else, I probably would have kicked them out before I started changing. But after years of competition seasons together, being in our underwear around each other became as normal as breathing. Plus nothing else could shock us as much as seeing Hinata's bare ass that one time. Suga lectured him for hours that day. 

"So, have you talked to Iwaizumi-san yet?" I asked, tossing my comfy clothes into my hamper. Oikawa faltered from the bed, face lighting up. There was barely a second for me to fire back, because he immediately snapped back into his usual flirty, overconfident self. "I have, actually!" He said triumphantly. "He's the tiniest bit shy, but it's _so_ adorable. Once I get his number, I'm asking him out!" I hummed in response tugging on the black skinny jeans he ha picked out for me. "I'm surprised you're not waiting for him to come sweep you off your feet," I replied. This earned a laugh from my best friend. "Oh, don't worry, he will. I'm just giving him a little _nudge,_ showing him I'm interested, you know?"

"I don't know, actually," I said matter-of-factly. Another laugh from Oikawa. As he rambled on about his new crush, who he was sure he could make fall in love with him, I considered the rest of the outfit I had to put on- A beige Aran-knit sweater, some grey sneakers, and a black coat with a faux-fur hood,- All of which, I probably hadn't worn in almost a year. What can I say, though? My life was lived in athletic tees and skates. I didn't exactly enjoy clothes shopping and piecing together outfits. That was more Oikawa' thing. I inwardly thanked whatever God there was up there for sending him my way. Without him, I probably would have showed up tonight dressed for the wrong occasion. Or something like that. I tugged on the sweater. The wool was soft and warm against my skin. 

"Oh, my little Keiji is so blind when it comes to love!" Oikawa swooned, falling back on my bed dramatically. "What shall I do, hm?"

"How about get ready." I suggested, shooting him a glare. The bag he brought with him to my apartment lay a few feet away from me on the ground. I scooped it up and threw it at him. Even after I objected to him not sleeping over tonight, I let Oikawa have his way in the end. It didn't actually bug me in all honesty. And now that I knew something was up with that bad knee again, I took advantage of his visit so I could watch over him. Oikawa was similar to me in this way. A perfectionist, working hard to make every program spotless. Our attitudes may be black and white when compared to each other, but together we shared a fatal flaw. He's always been there to intervene when I pushed too hard, and that was exactly what I was planning to do for him now. 

A moment later Oikawa was up, shimmying out of his current tee. He opted to stay in the grey shorts he wore over here with the brace and all. I pretended to forget about it, not wanting him to dwell on it himself. I took to unpacking the remainder of his bag as he threw on a white collared undershirt and a very comfy-looking mint green sweater. I bundled up his hair and bath products to the best of my abilities in my arms, (it was an absurd amount,) and carried them into my bathroom. Before I could turn my back to leave, I caught my reflection in the mirror. I ran a hand through my hair. The curls were a bit messier than usual, but it was nothing I couldn't fix. A couple of minutes passed before Oikawa found his way into the bathroom. He pushed something cool and hard into my hands. 

"They look good with the outfit," he said with a smile as I placed my glasses on my face. I recalled seeing his own glasses in his bag, untouched, as they usually wore. Oikawa really only wore them when he had to watch things from far away, like a skater while he sat in the far back of the rink. Or when he had to watch Iwaizumi from the upstairs window. 

The color contrast of black against my skin and the sweater was nice, but it really didn't make me feel any better about me being pale. I did get some sun when I ran, but sometimes I wished I could be a bit darker. Very stupid, I know. But when your best friend is a well-known pretty boy, you get ideas like that every so often. He was also a bit more muscular than me- I was slightly slimmer and smaller than him in some places, even with the muscle I'd gained from years of skating. Overtime I got used to my the little insecurities and pushed them down. If a judge wasn't making comments about it, I didn't need to fix it. 

A finger poked my shoulder. I finally looked up from the floor to meet Oikawa's eyes. "Something wrong?" I inquried. He nodded his head yes, fluffy brown hair bouncing perfectly with the movement. "No overthinking tonight from you tonight, young man. I won't allow it." He said firmly. 

I rolled my eyes at him. "You're older by like, six months, Oikawa-san." I deadpanned. He liked to hold that fact over me every once in a while. But I wouldn't let him get the satisfaction, considering he acted as if _he_ was younger most of the time.

Oikawa gave me a mean look when I addressed him formally, puffing his cheeks and narrowing his eyes at me. I could tell there was a snooty retort on the tip of his tongue, but for whatever reason he held back. "Just for the attitude, you're taking me out for food after practice tomorrow." He decided. I stared at him blankly while he continued rambling on about "respecting your elders" instead of reminding him that I was already buying him dinner. Oikawa opened his mouth to speak, but a phone chime beat him to it. He dug around in his pocket and pressed it to his ear. 

"Hi-hiii. Oh, really?"-he temporarily brought his phone down to glance at the screen,-"Wow, I guess it is! Okay, we'll be out in just a minute. Bye-bye!" Oikawa pocketed his phone and glanced in the mirror one last time, fussing over his hair. When he was done checking himself out, he turned to me. "Kenma and Kuroo-san are outside. You ready to go?" I replied with a simple "yes", gathering up my wallet, keys, and phone before following him out of the room. His legs were longer than mine, so I had to hustle a bit to keep up with him. He held the front door open for me. His usual smirk had found its place on his mouth. "Bokuto-san will thank me later for how cute you look."

I stopped midway through the threshold. The muscles in my face were begging to glare at him until he broke, but I had a much better idea in mind. Instead, I met his smirk with my own, just as smug and challenging. "Be careful not to whine too much, Tooru. If Iwaizumi-san doesn't fall for your looks, he most definitely won't be interested in drama queens." And with that, I walked casually out of the apartment and made my way to the elevator.

I made it to the parking lot before Oikawa for obvious reasons. Not knowing what Kuroo's car looked like, I scanned the lot until my eyes fell on a familiar head of blonde hair. Kenma was dressed unsurprisingly casual in a black hoodie and tight dark jeans standing next to a grey SUV. That boy pretty much lived in hoodies, and I really couldn't blame him. For Kenma, it was especially tiring to have to get dressed up, so if it wasn't a performance or anything important, it was normal to find him like this. Not that he looked bad or anything, because he didn't. I'm sure Kuroo enjoyed seeing him like that. 

Kenma finally looked up from his phone, the bored expression morphing into a slightly less bored one when he found me. I jogged over to the car. "Where's Tooru?" he asked. If his face didn't show any concern, his voice sure as hell didn't either. "He's coming." I answered before tugging the door open and sliding into the backseat. Kenma shrugged and returned to the passenger seat. Kuroo turned around in his seat to greet me, and confusion covered his face. "Now, my brain might be failing me here, but I'm pretty sure there was supposed to be two of you." he commented. As if on cue, the door on the other side of me flew open, and Oikawa plopped into his seat. He gave Kenma and I each a look as if we personally offended him. "You guys are so mean!" he moaned, crossng his arms and turning away from me. I had to hide a smile behind my hand. 

"Maybe we should leave him home," Kenma suggested from the front seat, earning a horrid laugh from his boyfriend in the driver's seat. He started the car up and I let my body relax against the seat as I felt it roll into motion. "That was cold," Kuroo huffed out between fits of laughter. Meanwhile, Oikawa was nearly fuming. Kenma blew a strand of blonde hair out of his face. "I almost left you too, since you made us late trying to fix your hair. Now you just look like a rooster."

Kuroo pulled up to a stoplight. The minute the car stopped moving, he whipped around to gape at Kenma. The expression reminded me of a child who's puppy just got ran over by a car. His mouth gaped, trying to form words. But in the end he could barely form any. Now it was Oikawa's turn to laugh. He tried to hold it in and remain cool, but the dam burst in a matter of seconds and he was doubled over in his seat. Before Kuroo accidentally crashed the car, I sent a sharp jab to Oikawa's chest, shutting him up quickly. A moment later the light changed to green and by some miracle Kuroo managed to move. "I don't know what you're talking about, my hair looks great," Kuroo said defensively. Then, in a smaller voice, he added, "...right?" he glanced at Kenma, and I could feel his slight nervousness from the backseat. Kenma answered him with an exasperated sigh. 

A few minutes later, Kuroo pulled into the small parking lot of the sushi place we were meeting at. He pulled his phone out of his pocket to answer a few texts, so the rest of us stayed in the vehicle until he was done. Quietly, as not to disturb Kuroo, I unbuckled my seatbelt and leaned forward so I could whisper in Kenma's ear. "Is Shoyou coming tonight?" I asked. Normally our little squad would go everywhere together, but tonight seemed to be a pretty irregular night. Sugawara had work and had to decline for dinner. But Hinata? I hadn't the slightest clue. I recalled Kuroo mentioning him earlier, referring to him as "the shrimp," so I was curious. Kenma didn't turn to face me. Instead he closed the game on his phone. Opening up the notes section, he typed up a quick answer and held it in front of my face. 

**_Shoyou has a date tonight_**

My mind flashed back to the black-haired boy i had found in Hinata's bedroom just a few days ago. Hinata was on a date with Kageyama tonight. I extended my arm and let my hand hover near Kenma's phone, silently asking for permission. He handed his phone over and I typed out another question. If anyone had information about Hinata's date, it would be Kenma. 

**_Did he give u any details?_**

****

A quick shake of Kenma's head informed me that he had no insight. I inwardly cursed myself for wanting to meddle, but I was just so curious. Hinata was my baby. He wasn't weak, and didn't need protecting or someone watching over him (most of the time,) but I sort of wished he would have shared something like this with me. He told all of us everything no matter what, but Kageyama Tobio was still somewhat of a mystery to us all. All we knew was that he was a talented volleyball player. I didn't have time to prod anymore, because Kuroo was out of the car and waving for all of us to follow. We were already late as it was, so I tucked Kenma's phone in my pocket and hopped right out. As expected Kenma was right at my side as we walked in, looking like a dog waiting for a piece of food that they were well aware you had. The smell of tea and sesame filled the air as we walked inside the restaurant. It was a bit dark outside, decorative wooden walls adorned with traditional Japanese art. An LED sign advertising alcohol glowed faintly near the door.

The three of us lingered slightly behind Kuroo as he chatted with the hostess to find the table. Soon, all four of us were whisked off into the restaurant, and to a large table where two men were already sitting and chatting lightly. I don't think there was any way for me to prepare myself for what I was about to see, because when my eyes fell on one of those men, my breath was pulled right out of my lungs.

Bokuto had looked great every time I had seen him in his regular training attire, but something about seeing him in more something more casual and styled made my heart skip. It was literally the most regular outfit ever- A light blue tee with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and ripped jeans that fit those powerful legs in such a way I was sure I'd explode if I looked any longer. His hair was still styled straight up like it usually was, but this time it was a bit neater. Probably because this time I wasn't seeing him straight out of practice. But practice or not, he looked really, _really_ handsome. I watched him say something to Iwaizumi, whom he was sitting next to, and as he turned his head his eyes fell on mine. Bokuto's mouth stretched into a huge, dopey smile and oh, how I wanted to stare at that smile for hours. _You're here because you're supposed to make friends with him,_ I chastised myself before my mind could wander any further. I shuffled a few steps back to hide behind Oikawa's taller frame. But unfortunately, my cover was now happily strolling to the table, sending a flirty "Hey, Iwa-chan!" in his current target's direction. 

"Bo!" Kuroo bellowed. He stood next to the table with his arms held out wide on either side of him. Unsure of what to do, I stood awkwardly in my spot next to him. A few customers turned to stare at him questioningly, but soon returned to their meals. "Here we go again..." mumbled Kenma, wriggling his hand into my pocket to snatch his phone back. I looked at him, confused and silently pleading with him for an explanation. He offered none. The sound of a chair being shoved back and a table being kicked brought my attention back to the men in front of me. Bokuto practically leapt up from his seat next to Iwaizumi, which Oikawa quickly slipped into, and held his arms up, "Tetsu!" He hooted. I watched dumbfounded as the two hugged in the middle of the walkway like they hadn't just seen each other a few hours ago. Kenma had said the two were close, but whatever I was expecting was nothing like this...bromance? Kenma grabbed my hand and steered me away from the scene, pulling on my arm to take the seat next to his own. "I really hope we don't get kicked out." Was all he said as he powered up his PSP. I didn't even remember him bringing that. Kuroo taking it from him so he could eat was now foreseen in the near future. 

The heartwarming reuniting of Bokuto and Kuroo ended a few minutes later, and the two approached the circular table to take their seats. Kuroo slid in behind us to sit down next to Kenma, then promptly plucked the game from his little hands. Bokuto soon figured out that his seat was taken from him, but didn't look the least bit bothered by it. Maybe a little surprised, but not angry. Oikawa took this as his chance to pipe up. "Sorry I took your seat, Bokuto-san!" he apologized sweetly. He placed a hand on Iwaizumi's shoulder, who looked like he might just shit his pants. "I was just sitting here to talk to Iwa-chan for a minute. I can move and sit next to Akaashi-kun instead." The suggestive tone in his voice almost made me reach across the table and strangle him, but against all odds I remained calm. Bokuto glanced down at the empty seat next to me, then at me. His mouth was curled into a small smile. But his eyes were what held all of my attention in that very moment. They were glowing, a swirling mix of excitement and... was that nervousness? Was he nervous to sit next to me? Bokuto's words seemed to confirm this for me. "Can I?" He asked. 

It took me several moments to register what exactly was going on, and a kick to my shin from Kenma snapped me out of the trance Bokuto's stare had me in. I tried to speak and tell him yes but my voice caught in my throat. Not knowing what else to do, I nodded my head yes. "Great! Thanks, Akaashi." He said cheerfully as he plopped into the seat. I did everything in my power to not lean just a little bit closer to him. Bokuto was talking to someone. Someone was talking back to him, making him laugh. Every other sound in the restaurant was channeled out and that laugh was all I could hear. He had the tiniest bit of stubble on his face, which I noticed as I observed the muscles of his neck and jaw beneath his skin as he spoke. i tried not to look down at his hands, I really did. But something was controlling my body that definitely was not me. His hand clenched and unclenched in his lap. His fingers were thicker than mine, which were slim and long. I could barely make out the small callouses in the shadow, which most likely came from his hockey stick. 

"Akaashi?" 

A hand reached out and tapped my shoulder, making me jump in my seat. How long was I staring? I prayed it wasn't long enough to be noticeable. I whipped my head around, and sure enough every pair of eyes at the table was on me now. Bokuto's hand was still on my shoulder. "What do you want to drink?" he asked. "Drink..?" I mumbled. I looked away from him only to meet the eyes of a pretty girl standing at the edge of the table, notepad in hand. "Oh, uh, water please." The waitress smiled at me, then left the table with our drink orders. Conversation resumed around the table. I let out a sigh of relief, thankful all the attention was taken off of me, when Bokuto gently bumped his shoulder against mine. "Sorry for scaring you like that," he said sheepishly. A hand went up to rub at the back of his neck. "Don't be," I replied. I tried to offer him a smile, but I could feel the heat in my cheeks. "It's no your fault I got startled." Instantly, Bokuto's happy grin returned. He patted my shoulder once more, fingers lingering for a moment before pulling away. "Don't you worry, Kaash. I won't let anything else startle you while I'm around." 

I didn't get a chance to respond to that even if I could, because the waitress returned with a tray of cups. She handed out our drinks, a chorus of thank-yous bubbling up from the group as she left. Bokuto looked like he wanted to say more to me, but Kuroo called his name and brought his attention elsewhere. I reached out for a napkin and toyed with it under the table to calm my frayed nerves. I was definitely gonna get Oikawa for this. But, was I really mad about this? The fact that I was doubting it gave me the answer I needed. 

I didn't realize I was nearly ripping the napkin until Kenma's hand appeared on top of mine. He shot me a look when I went to protest him taking it from me. His eyes conveyed his message easily- _you're staring._ I tugged the napkin free from his grasp, but reluctantly put it back on the table. I gave him an _I know_ look, which was met with a _don't be so nervous_ look. There was no way I could win this silent battle, so I turned my attention to the table, trying to focus on anyone but Bokuto. "Alright, bro, check it out." Kuroo said, sketching something on a piece of paper that sat in between him and Bokuto. He watched eagerly as Kuroo scribbled down a series of numbers and letters. "The average human hand weighs around point four kilograms, right? Right. The average human being can deliver a slap with the speed of around twenty-five miles per hour, or eleven meters per second. Here's the conversions and the formula." He finished writing and pushed the paper and pencil to Bokuto. He eagerly took them and began reviewing the numbers. 

"Okay, what would you say the average chicken would weigh?" he asked Kuroo, who responded with, "like, a kilogram. But this is where it gets weird. I need the specific heat of a chicken now." Bokuto seemed to consider the answer for a minute before jotting it down. I could practically see the gears spinning in his head. This would now be a good time to mention that I had no idea what they were talking about. My eyes went back to Bokuto when he spoke again. "Okay this is like, a rough guess, I'd say about this much." He spun the paper around so Kuroo could see it, circling a number so he could see it amidst the sprawling calculations. When he nodded in approval, Bokuto went back to work. "So, we're assuming this chicken is frozen so I'm gonna say initial temp is zero degrees Celsius."

"Let's say we consider the chicken cooked at two hundred... five, then? Yeah, two hundred five degrees." Kuroo added. Bokuto nodded. "Okay, so this is what I got here. This is the temperature change a regular slap would create-" he circled a number on the paper, "and this is the number of times you'd have to slap the chicken in order to reach the desired temperature." He circled another number and tapped the pencil tip against the paper. Kuroo squinted at the paper. "You still have that scientific calculator app on your phone?" he asked. "I'd do it, but my brain doesn't feel like taking the extra steps. 

"Of course I do!" Bokuto replied excitedly. He dug a very expensive looking iPhone out of his pocket, unlocking it with his face and opening a calculator app. He went to work plugging in numbers. "Twenty-three thousand thirty four, with a temperature of point zero zero eight nine degrees... I got it! The required velocity would be one thousand, one hundred sixty five point... six five meters per second!" He tossed the paper to Kuroo, a satisfied smile on his mouth. Check my work. Kuroo scrambled to grab the scrap like it was a priceless artifact. He scrutinized the writing. He then looked up at Bokuto, a moderately shocked look on his face. "Bro... do you know what this means?" he said, his voice barely a whisper. I turned to see a similar expression on the man next to me. Specific heat of _what?_

"That velocity has to be humanly possible. Bro, we could cook a chicken with just one slap!" Bokuto exclaimed. Kuroo looked to happy he could cry. "Yes, my good man, you could." he replied, wiping a single tear from his cheek. 

Okay, at this point I just felt stupid. On my other side, Kenma looked as unbothered as ever, tapping away at his video game which he'd somehow managed to pickpocket from Kuroo. Oikawa seemed equally unfazed, sipping away happily at his soda and chatting with Iwaizumi. I finally got my gaze returned by someone with an ounce of sanity when Iwaizumi's eyes met mine. He took one look at Bokuto and Kuroo practically sobbing over their discovery, then proceeded to bury his face in his hands. "Sometimes I think that the gods made them smart just so they'd have an extra way to make me go nuts," he groaned. Oikawa giggled at his side. He was really throwing the flirt card tonight. "You sound like their dad, Iwa-chan!" he said. Behind Iwaizumi's hands was the faintest of blushes, and Oikawa undoubtedly picked up on that. He gave me a wink when his eyes met him. "Do their brains help when it comes to hockey?" 

As Iwaizumi was roped back into Oikawa's charming web, I was once again left alone with my thoughts. The thought of the earth opening up and swallowing me whole sounded great just about now, but my stomach decided we could wait on that, because the massive wooden tray of sushi being placed on our table made my mouth water.

There had to be a hundred pieces of sushi here, at least. The spread looked delicious- rows or the multiple kinds of rolls, nigiri and sashimi with a colorful array of fish. A steaming bowl of miso was placed in front of each of us, and the tray also had a space purely dedicated to tempura. It all looked delicious, but a sudden wave came over me and my appetite went with it. I watched as everyone around me dug into the food. The realization that I was here and sitting _right next_ to Bokuto was all coming down on me now in one long, agonizing moment. I felt like I didn't have enough personal space. There were so many voices around me. So many people. I tried to extend an arm to grab some food, so that no one would question me, but my limbs were frozen. The chance I may have already screwed up something tonight with Bokuto here was devouring me from the inside. For a few moments I reeled back in my memories, going over each sentence I've said tonight over and over, searching for a sign that I had done something wrong. My palms were sweating. my fingers tugged at each other in my lap.

"Can you not reach?"

For the second time tonight, I jumped again, hands flinging up and colliding with the underside of the table. I whipped my head around to the voice's owner and offered them an apologetic smile. "Ah, sorry, I did it again." I said, embarrassed. Bokuto stared at me with kind, patient eyes. "I made you a promise, so I'm the one who should be apologizing." He joked. He gave me a moment to stop fishing for excuses, but the encouraging smile remained on his lips. It was as if he knew exactly how to act in this moment to calm me down, despite not knowing me well. Bokuto seemed more than happy leading the conversation. "But anyways, I was wondering if maybe there was something you wanted, but maybe you couldn't get to it." He motioned to my empty plate. "Would you like me to get it for you?"

I took in the spread in front of me once again, and suddenly I forgot what the names of every single food on the tray were. Panicked, I started speaking before I could think. I didn't want him to think I wasn't interested in talking to him, so it was the best I could do. "I don't really know, I don't have anything in particular I want, or, yes, wait- no, I-"

"It's okay if you can't pick, Akaash. Do you want me to pick for you?" His hand came up to pick up my plate. Despite how badly I was internally combusting, it was impossible for me to not return the sweet smile he directed at me. "Sure, I'd like that." I answered. The grin didn't leave Bokuto's face as he took my plate. He was so focused, carefully selecting pieces from the tray before plucking them up and putting them down. His serious expression made me giggle a little bit. Bokuto raised an eyebrow at the sound, giving me a curious look as he set the plate down in front of me. "What are you giggling about?" he asked. 

Color and heat flushed into my face, and not even the dim light of the restaurant could cover for me. I picked up my chopsticks to redirect one of two twitchy hands. "Thank you, Bokuto-san." I said, doing my best to avoid his previous question. Thankfully, he took the hint. Something inside me had me speculating that people sometimes didn't give his intelligence enough credit sometimes. "I hope you like all of that, I kind of just picked some of the stuff that I liked," he laughed, eyes darting to and from contact with mine. Was that nervousness I was sensing from him? If it was, it was the most adorable thing I'd ever seen. I didn't fight the smile that grew on my face any longer. And this time, I didn't feel awkward about directing it right to Bokuto. "I think you picked well." I told him. Now it was Bokuto who was blushing. The light red shade covered his cheeks, eyes wide in what seemed like awe. It didn't make any sense to me that he was so flustered with someone just smiling at him. I was confident that anyone that met someone like him would always smile around him. "T-thanks..." he mumbled. He returned to his plate, the happy grin on his face never once leaving as he ate. 

From across the room, someone cleared their throat. It caught me off-guard, a piece of salmon nigiri stopping just at my lips. Oikawa was looking at me, eyes lit up in urgency. I pulled my eyebrows together, saying _what?_ with my face. He mouthed something to me, but my lip reading was pretty below average. He did a few more times, slower and slower each time until he gave up with a frustrated little grunt. Digging his phone out of his pocket, he opened his contacts and hit the plus sign. He waved it around a few times, then jerked his chin towards Bokuto, who was once again messing with Kuroo. Then it hit me, and I finally deciphered what he was saying- " _get his number!"_

My eyes widened. I quickly shook my head no. " _Are you crazy?'_ I mouthed at him. But I should've known better that he wouldn't give up. If I didn't suck it up and do it now, he'd for sure stick his nose in and orchestrate something itself. He mouthed one more " _do it! "_ at me, then reverted right back to a charming smile when Iwaizumi asked him a question. I took in a deep breath, in through my nose and out through my mouth. It was now or never, probably. I took a few more moments of slow breathing to calm my heart-rate. But none of it mattered in the end, because the second I reached out to barely brush my fingers against Bokuto's arm, it shot back up again. Bokuto whipped his head around, staring right at me expectantly. "What's up?" he asked, putting his chopsticks down. The conversation he was in the middle of with Kuroo seemed to be forgotten, but Kuroo didn't seem to be all that bothered. I swallowed thickly and patted my pockets to locate my phone. When I hit the hard surface, I pulled it free. "I was just wondering if-"

"Yes, could we get the check now please?" 

A light bulb went off in my head, and I shot a warning glance at Kuroo before grabbing my wallet. "No, Kuroo-san. I'm supposed to be paying tonight." I argued. I hoped my tone got the point across that I was _not_ in the mood to play this game with him. With a sly grin on his face, Kuroo shrugged his shoulder in fake regret. He already had his credit card in his hand "Sorry, Akaashi, but it looks like I beat you to it this ti-"

"Actually, the bill for this table has already been payed for." The waitress informed us. She bid us a goodnight and quickly walked off somewhere else. 

I looked at Kuroo. Kuroo looked at me. Once the shock wore off, I found him glaring daggers at the man next to me. "You little shit!" He whisper-yelled at him. Bokuto gave him a shrug similar to his own moments ago. It was all over his face-he had been caught red handed, and didn't feel guilty about it at all. "You were too slow. I can't have you get the credit for being the smart friend all the time." he replied coolly. Kuroo flashed him a dangerous-looking smile that would have had me running for the hills. "I'll get you back for this, you know that right?" Bokuto laughed aloud, and I melted in my seat. "Go ahead and try, Tetsu!" 

Before anything else could be done that jeopardized our welcome in the restaurant, Iwaizumi stood up. "Alright, I'm calling it. I'm dragging you two out before you kill each other." He stated as if he had to do that every day. Maybe he did. Kuroo batted his eyelashes at his teammate. "Aww, come on, Hajime. You didn't even let us drink tonight, can't we stay a little bit longer?" 

"I didn't let you drink because we have practice tomorrow, you dumbass, so let's go. Oikawa, Akaashi, and Kenma also have practice, and I'm not going to let your asses be the reason they didn't get enough sleep." 

Next to Iwaizumi, Oikawa popped up from his chair. He clasped his hands together and held them to his chest. "Oh, Iwa-chan, you're so caring! I should hang around you more often instead of these meanies." 

Iwaizumi's firm front faltered in that moment, eyes going wide and words stopping mid-sentence as he tried to continue. Once he recovered, he crossed his arms over his chest. "Let's go before we cause the owners of this place anymore trouble."

"Okay." Bokuto and Kuroo said in disappointed unison. They got out of their chairs and sulked out behind Iwaizumi. I was just about to take a sip from my drink when a hand wrapped around my wrist. "Let's go meet them outside! You still have to- Oh, no you don't Kenma, you're coming too!" his hand snagged Kenma's hood as he tried to flee. He smirked down at me to finish his sentence. "You still have something you need to get, Keiji-kun."

A few minutes later, Kenma and I were herded out the front doors of the restaurant by a very eager Oikawa. He stopped us in front of three men we were looking for. Kenma immediately latched himself onto Kuroo, using him for cover so Oikawa couldn't catch him again. Tossing an arm around the smaller's shoulders. He swung his keys around a few times on his finger before catching them in his hand. "We'll go warm up the car. Bo, bro, this is your last chance. _Please_ come sleep over tonight."

Bokuto sighed, putting a hand on his hip. "I'm sorry, bro. You know I love you, but I can't. I promised Sou I'd help him build that thing tonight." He apologized. "But next week, I'll stay the whole weekend." 

"Oh, well. No company tonight. Let's go." Kenma said flatly. He waved a lazy goodbye before dragging Kuroo off to the car. 

A few feet away from me, I caught Iwaizumi and Oikawa standing closer to Kuroo's car. Iwaizumi had a content look on his face. I saw his lips move, and Oikawa's shoulders shook lightly as he laughed. 

"You're wearing glasses tonight." Bokuto stated. I tilted my chin up to look at him, my eyes landing on acute golden ones. He was studying me, and looked like he wasn't planning on stopping anytime soon. Why was he pointing that out? Did they look bad on me or something. I cringed, mentally scolding myself for not going with contacts tonight. "Oh... Yeah, I am. Is there something wrong with them?" I worried aloud. Panic flashed across Bokuto's face. "N-no! Not at all!" he blurted out, waving his hands urgently. "You just weren't wearing them the last few times I've seen you, so I noticed."

The tension slowly floated out of me. I sighed in relief and smiled, which caused Bokuto to visibly relax as well. He puffed out one of his cheeks, brow furrowing in thought for a minute like he was arranging the words in his head before he said them. I gave him the same patience he showed me back in the restaurant. I wasn't the best at showing compassion, but I could listen pretty well. When Bokuto picked his head back up, there was a shy smile on his face. "I think they look really good on you." He said. The simple compliment was enough to send me reeling all the way back to square one. Part of my brain screamed at me to shut down and shut out. I was doing so good tonight at interacting with new people, and now all of my progress was on the edge of being all for naught. I counted to five, then from five to one. I imagined myself gliding on the ice, my happy place. 

"I'm sorry. I'm usually not very good at responding to things like that, but thank you." I replied. It was a miracle my brain was still working right now, let alone my voice. I gave a testing gaze to Bokuto, unsure of how he would react, but to my surprise he once again seemed entirely unbothered. He bumped out shoulders together. The tiny contact woke up the butterflies in my stomach. "You don't need to apologize for that. I'd never get mad at you over something like that, and anyone who makes you feel like you need to is in the wrong. He reassured me. I stood there awkwardly under the weight of his gaze, hands toying with the end of my coat. I had to do something before he got bored, or gave up, or got the wrong idea. "Bokuto-san?" I called out. 

I already knew I had his attention, though. I could feel it on every inch of my skin. He looked at me expectantly. "I had something I wanted to ask you, back in the restaurant." I continued, kicking a pebble near my feet. _What if he rejected me? What the hell was I supposed to do then?_

"Ask away, then. I'm listening." He encouraged.

I inhaled deeply. Now or never. "Do you think I could get- or, we could exchange phone numbers?"

Bokuto's eyes were still glued on me, wide and curious as an owl's. He stood there for a second, just _looking_ at me. I was sure he was about to laugh in my face, but then his surprised look morphed into a big, goofy smile. "Of course we can! I was gonna ask you myself, but I guess you beat me to it." He laughed.

"I'm really sorry," I burst out before I could stop myself. "I didn't mean to-"

"Hey, remember what I said? You don't need to apologize, Akaash." He reminded me. Bokuto took a few steps closer, digging his phone out from his pocket and offering it to me after unlocking it and selecting the contacts app. "I think it's a good thing you asked first. I was worried I'd get too nervous." I accepted the phone and began typing in my number. "I guess we have that in common. I was nervous to ask you too," I replied, handing him back his phone. I gave him my own next. He took it from me happily and busied himself with typing in his name. When he was done, he returned it to my palm gently. Calloused fingertips grazed my skin. "Well I hope you don't feel as nervous around me now!"

I looked away as I returned the device in my pocket in hopes of hiding how flustered I was feeling. I wanted to ask him, to confirm with him that I had done this right. But, was that question something a normal person asked another person? There was only one way to confirm it. It tumbled out of my mouth so easily, even though there was more than an ocean's worth of other feelings I brewing within me as I asked. "Are you okay with being my friend?"

Another questioning look. Bokuto's eyes narrowed at something in the distance- Iwaizumi, waving it him probably to hurry it up. 

"Of course I'm okay with it! I was really hoping you'd give me another chance," He announced. A second later his face twisted into something a bit more serious. "But you should be more confident in yourself than that, Akaash." He leaned forward. He tapped the side of my glasses. "Don't be so scared to ask me," he tapped the other side of my glasses, "Or anyone else questions. Just smile and hold your head high. If you have something to say, just remember that you deserve to have your voice heard just as much as anyone else." A gentle poke to the tip of my nose. "If it means anything, you can always count on me to listen."

My mouth opened and closed, my lips searching for words to form. Everything from my neck to the tips of my ears felt like it was on fire. But Iwaizumi finally called out to warn Bokuto that the train station would close soon, and my soul was spared. 

He flashed me a blinding smile. I took a mental picture of that smile, and I knew it would be all I'd think about the rest of the night. "See you around!" He yelled over his shoulder before bounding away. "Bye... Bokuto." I responded, much too softly for him to hear me. However long I stood there frozen in front of the restaurant, I had no clue. My phone pinged in my pocket. I ripped it out of my pocket so fast I was sure it'd go flying, turning on the screen. The message was sadly not from the boy who's laugh made my pulse jump, but a very tired Kenma, asking me to get in the car already so they could go home. Abashed, I stuffed it back into my pocket and jogged to the car.

\---

After Kuroo dropped Oikawa and I off at my apartment, the rest of the night was spent in comfortable silence between the two of us for the most part. An occasional question or two, but not much more. He had been over enough times where he knew where everything was that he might need, and we were close enough where just doing nothing was just fine. The futon I rolled out earlier remained cold and untouched next to my bed. I had argued with Oikawa previously that day that he could take the bed and I would take the futon. I was scared of him hurting his knee any further if he rolled around. After much back and forth, he had taken the matte into his own hands and drawn a conclusion.

"Since neither of us are gonna get our way here, let's just share the bed tonight." He had decided.

So there Oikawa and I were, me wrapped up in my comforter and Oikawa in a bundle of every single available blanket in my possession. It was our usual sleeping arrangement when he came over, the futon only unrolled in case Hinata, Kenma, or Suga decided to come by as well. All of us somehow ended up piled onto my bed anyway, so I really didn't even know why I ever bothered keeping the futon around. I rolled over slowly, the movement draining a way too large amount of my remaining energy for the day, and stared at my best friend. "How did things with Iwaizumi-san go?" I inquired. Oikawa locked his phone, tossing it to the side. "It went really well, actually, A lot better than I was expecting! It's really easy to push his buttons, even if he does look like a big meanie." He informed me. I reached out a hand and patted his head- a thing I knew would bug him, but sometimes he needed a little taste of his own medicine. "I'm proud of you, Tooru-kun." I extolled through a yawn. He caught my hand before another pat could be delivered to his hand, throwing my arm back over me. "I'm proud of _you,_ Keiji. You talked to Bokuto all by yourself, and even asked for his number. Minus all the staring you did, I'd say you did a pretty good job tonight."

I shot upright in bed. It unfortunately didn't send Oikawa rolling off the side. "You noticed?" I pressed, tone raised in alarm. Oikawa let out an annoyed grown. He yanked me back down onto the bed. "Relax, it wasn't _that_ bad, so just cool it," he scolded me. "But hey, I'm serious. You made some new friends tonight, and by the looks of it, one of them is elated about it. I'm not trying to patronize you, so don't start. You should feel good about it, too." 

Oikawa didn't press on, probably sensing that I understood, but just needed to think. I had to give him some credit for the progress I'd made tonight, because without him I probably would've just ditched the whole dinner and continued on running away. "Let's get to sleep now. We've got training tomorrow." He playfully tossed a pillow at my head. I didn't bother to catch it, letting it bounce off my head and tumble off the side of the bed. "Goodnight," I mumbled to him, rolling my now very heavy-feeling body back over to sleep on my side. I heard a "goodnight" in a response, muffled by Oikawa's pillow. 

He was out like a light in a matter of minutes, snoring gently into his pillows, body clad in pajamas that were way-too well coordinated to just be pajamas. Meanwhile, I could barely get to sleep myself. I tried my best not to move around too much as not to wake Oikawa up. While my body begged for sleep, my mind kept replaying scene after scene, word after word from tonight. 

_"I think they look really good on you."_

_"Of course we can! I was gonna ask you myself, but I guess you beat me to it."_

_"If it means anything, you can always count on me to listen."_

And of course, every other word Bokuto and I had exchanged tonight. I couldn't stop the image of him beaming at me from resurfacing, and I didn't want to stop. As I remembered the sound of his laughter, the kindness in his voice, and the subtle yet enveloping smell of his cologne- citrus, cedarwood, and something sweet and warm that didn't feel like it was from the spray, but I just coudn't put my finger on it. Maybe one day I'd get to find out. My eyelids were a touch too heavy to keep thinking about it tonight.

My eyes had just closed when the hum of something vibrating on my nightstand pulled me out. The white light from my phone stung my eyes. Squinting, I scooped up the phone. I turned the brightness way down before doing anything else. Once my eyes had adjusted, I saw the text, and my heartbeat took off upon seeing the name:

**_Bokuto Koutarou, 12:36am_**

**_It was really nice to see you tonight. Sleep well Akaash!!!_ **

**_ Bokuto Koutarou, 12:36am_ **

**_I hope I'll still get to talk to you at the rink, if that's okay with you_ **

**_ Bokuto Koutarou, 12:36am_ **

**_Goodnight:)_ **

**_ Bokuto Koutarou, 12:36am_ **

**_lol just saw I said goodnight twice_ **

Bokuto wasn't in the room with me, but I could hear his voice loud and clear. Seeing him text the new nickname he'd given me didn't make things on my heart much better, either. I typed him a quick reply, silently praying he wouldn't read too much into the tone of my message, since texting wasn't exactly my forte. 

**_Akaashi Keiji, 12:37am_**

**_Goodnight Bokuto-san. See u soon on the ice_ **

My phone was buzzing again in a matter of seconds, but I bit back my urge to respond immediately after he sent the message. If I did, I knew I'd end up talking to him all night. I didn't like my chances of potentially falling asleep in the middle of a conversation. Plus, I think I already had a good idea of what he said in response. There was no hiding that both of us were nervous, but not even that could cover up how excited I really was to find out what's to come, and to keep on getting to know this handsome, intelligent goofball.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter was kinda long,,, or kinda not. Please forgive me!! I'm still kind of testing the waters here and finding my writing style. Thank you for ur comments and kudos!!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. So sorry my update schedule is so irregular. This was supposed to be two chapters but it just felt better to keep it as one slightly longer chapter. Sorry if its weird:((

As far as I was concerned, the only true day of rest I ever allowed myself were Sundays. Even then I was still itching to get some work done. Whether it was wrapping up assignments for online University, or more preferably something that had to do with ice, my brain was almost always in work mode. 

Monday after practice in the afternoon I finally took Oikawa back to his own apartment. He fought with me tirelessly, insisting he was in dire need of staying an extra night at my place. Something about "needing company to rant to about his precious _Iwa-chan._ I wasn't having it. 

Tuesday morning rolled around as per usual. I scarfed down a thrilling breakfast of bacon and eggs before heading out for the day. Tugging my suitcase and bag along with me, I sidled into the elevator. Every fiber of my being was the epitome of a contradiction- yearning for movement, yet begging for rest. I repressed the exhaustion once again. There was no time to be tired, not on this playing field. 

My hazy mind became clear as the elevator dinged. From inside my bag, my phone pinged. As I exited through the metal doors I danced the awkward jig of unzipping my bag without taking it off my back. A few bystanders in the lobby eyed me awkwardly. I paid them no mind, accepting my call and making my way outside. "If you're going to ask me to bring you food, you're too late," I deadpanned into the receiver.

Oikawa gasped. "Mean!"

I shoved my free hand into the pocket of my joggers, not caring enough to zip it back up when I found my keys. "Why'd you call? I was just about to come pick you up."

There was a giggle on the other end of the line, then the faintest sound of another voice. A female voice. "That's why, actually," he informed me. "Mom decided to come visit me this morning, and she wanted to take me to the rink this morning! Will you survive without me for just one morning?"

"I'll try to contain my sadness." My eyes nearly rolled back in my head. His voice was shrill in my ear, and it dawned on me that I was no longer going to be receiving the caffeine fix I needed to get through the day without committing murder. It took all of my willpower not to just curl up in my trunk next to my suitcase. 

"My poor baby! Anyways, I'll tell mom you said hi. She wants to drop by and see you while she's here, if you could?"

Oikawa's mother was one of the most angelic beings to ever walk this earth. Had she really birthed that lanky asshole? Everywhere my mother hadn't been, well, a mother, she had filled in. It just came with the Childhood Friends With Oikawa package. There was nothing there to complain about. She was a kindhearted woman with loving brown eyes similar to her son's. "Yeah, of course. How long is she here?"

He sucked in a breath. "She's leaving this Sunday. If you're not planning on working yourself to death once again on your _rest day,_ let's do something then!"

The comment stung just a little, even if there was no malice behind his words. "Yeah," I cringed. "Sounds good."

"See you in a few!" Oikawa made a kiss noise into the receiver. I could almost see him flashing that victory sign at me when the line went dead. I tossed the phone into the passenger seat, unable to withhold my sighs as I pulled into the rink lot.

The crisp October air carried my hair every which way, ruffling the curls until I had to reach up and push them out of the way. I was decked out in a very exciting plain black tank top this morning, uncaring of the cold I was about to endure for the next several hours. But the wind? Had I known, I would've at least worn something with more coverage for the commute. There was no more time to dwell on it now, however. I was already here. 

"Akaashi!!!!"

The sound of footsteps and suitcase wheels drew near as Suga jogged over to me, a drink tray holding two coffee cups in his free hand. He was adorably dressed as usual- black pants, white jacket, and the signature blue scarf. His presence instantly calmed me, easing my previously irked mood. He tended to have that effect on everyone. "Suga," I waved a hand in greeting. When Suga finally reached me, he held the drink tray out to me suggestively. 

"For you," he smiled.

Gratefully, I lifted one of the cups from the cardboard tray. The smell of sugary coffee wafted up to my nose. "You didn't have to get this for me," I protested. I held the cup in both of my hands. Let the heat radiating through the paper warm all the way through my soul. 

We fell into step together, strides matching as we strolled up to the front doors. "Oh, but I did. You think I could just let you come to practice without your fix, you caffeine addict?"

"Speak for yourself," I chuckled. I lifted the cup to my lips and took a careful sip of the hot liquid. Steam curled from the lid, dissipating with the autumn breeze. It was perfect- creamy and sweet. 

Sugawara shoved against me playfully, holding the door open for me when we approached the entrance. "Can't argue with that."

We greeted Konoha at the front desk, Suga sliding one of the coffees he brought across the counter and into his tiredly waiting hands. That poor boy looked like he was already feeling overworked, and it was only Tuesday. 

Our walk into the locker room was quiet for the most part, which I didn't mind. Sugaw was likely just giving me the extra time I needed to fully wake up. There was no surprise there. Suga was one of the most thoughtful people I've ever met. I didn't that many friends, (laugh away,) but that didn't matter to me. Having someone like him as a companion was better than a million friends. Always checking up on us, always bringing us treats and being the best shoulder to cry on in the world. Yup, Suga was our trademark Mom Friend. But judging by the happy look on his face whenever whenever he reminded us to take care of ourselves, he didn't mind at all. 

After a quick check of our reflections in the mirror and a pee break, Suga and I were in and out of the locker room. Unlike Oikawa, Suga didn't hold people up with his constant preening and hair-fixing. Suga's hair was never the neatest, but I saw it as one of the fundamental elements that made up Sugawara Koushi. Who would he be without that stubborn piece of hair that always stuck up on the top of his head? 

I chugged the rest of my coffee and cast the empty cup in the waste basket we passed on the way to the stairwell. The sweetness nearly made my throat burn. Traces of bad aftertaste coated my tongue. I decided I'd take care of it later, my focus shifting in an instant to what I was here to do when the two of us made it up the steps. Cold air rushed out at me, refreshing and fast and intense. I inhaled the familiar burn.

This was my purpose-or at least the purpose I had forced myself into the mold of. Skating was my passion. I loved every minute I spent on the ice, loved that burn in my legs that spurred me on jump after jump. But I walked a fine line on the border of what separated me from my friend. A tight rope that constantly teetered beneath my feet. One day I knew it would give way, and I would fall into the pits of self-destruction all over again. But I had accepted this already. If it was at my own fault, I would accept whatever future awaited me the one day I worked myself just a bit too hard. my lungs. It never failed to hype me up before a good training session, to remind me of what my purpose was in life. 

Another thing that this tight rope held me away from seemed to be the capability of having fun. Athletes are some of the hardest workers out there, but even they had to rest. The human body had the potential to reach so many levels of strength, but not without recovery. Recovery could be a lot of things,- reading, yoga, sleep. I had no interest in any of those things. I wriggled my way out of almost every single outing they planned, slipping excuses left in right until they eventually gave up. Was this bad for me? Absolutely. But did it give me more time to practice? Absolutely. I'd pay for it later when the season ended.

To my dismay, the off-ice room was not a complete mess when we entered. Not that we didn't trust Kenma, Hinata, and Oikawa- they just needed mild supervision at times to make sure no one did anything potentially fatal. 

Okay, maybe we didn't trust them very much with some things.

Oikawa's array of products and random items were dumped out on the bench where no effort of organization could be seen. His back was to me, leaning down close to Hinata, who was sitting on the bench. His short legs were swinging back and forth underneath him, as if he couldn't contain his excitement over just being in the warm-up room. 

I glanced around the room, giving the room a quick-once over until I found who I was looking for. He didn't look too happy.

"What did Kuroo-san do this time?" I inquired, settling down on the floor behind him. I snatched his bag from his lap to gather what I needed to do his hair.

I went for a simple bun today, taking a small section on each side and twisting them gently for a small accent. Kenma would never admit it, but he liked when I gave him cute little styles like this. I didn't really care if he admitted it or not, as long as he let me mess with his hair. After not getting a reply, I took a long piece between my fingers and tickled his cheek with it.

"He was up all night on the phone."

The brush glided easily through blonde locks. "Oh. Who was he talking to?"

"Koutarou. They're supposed to go to the gym later today. But they didn't plan that until last night at like one in the morning."

My heart decided to remind me of its existence just then, fluttering up without my permission. I cursed at the muscle, because that's a thing normal people do.

"Make him sleep on the couch next time?" I suggested.

Kenma almost laughed at that. Keyword _almost._ "You think I can lug someone nearly three times my size and weight across my apartment?"

"You have a good point," I admitted. 

I gathered the rest of his hair into my hands, smoothing out any bumps beneath the ponytail with slow stroked of the brush. Once it was perfect I looped a thick hair tie around it, pulling it through only halfway on the last turn so it flopped down into a bun. Usually I'd do something a little neater, but I don't think either of us had the patience this morning. 

As if to further test that speculation, a blood-curdling shriek shattered the air around us. Kenma and I whipped around. Sugawara's eyes were bulging was he accidentally body-slammed Oikawa out of the way in his rush to approach Hinata. From our spot on the floor, I couldn't get a view of our youngest friend's face. His body language seemed chipper as ever, though, so I felt some of the worry building inside me disintegrate. Sugawara's hands looked to be shaking as they flew up to cup Hinata's cheeks. "What on _earth_ happened to your face?!?!"

Hinata giggled. He tugged against Suga's wrists. Suga cried out again, "Did someone _hit_ you?!"

Alright, now I was very much worried again. I went to toss the bottle of hairspray into Kenma's lap, but he was already one step ahead of me, hopping up to go see what all the fuss was about. 

Oikawa stood beside our group baby, a makeup sponge and a tube of foundation in the other. He opened his mouth to complain, probably that his work was being so rudely interrupted, but Hinata piped up before he got the chance to throw the insult perched on the tip of his tongue.

"Nope! A ball hit me."

I looked at Suga. Suga looked at me. We looked at Hinata.

The bewilderment on our faces must have cued him that his response wasn't enough to clear this air of confusion. He tugged at the sleeve of Oikawa's jacket, who accepted this as an okay to return to work.

"Kageyama wanted to teach me how to play volleyball on our date!! We went to a park with a net, and he took the ball and hit it really hard!! It was all _fwaah_ and _whoosh!_ I really wanted to learn how to do that too, so we were passing it back and forth but one of them hit me in the face. It doesn't hurt that bad anymore! Oikawa covered it up for me yesterday, with makeup just like this"- he jabbed a finger towards the pink egg shaped sponge in Oikawa's hand- "so I guess I just forgot to tell you guys!"

Hinata took absolutely no breaths in between his words as he spoke, and Sugawara had to clap a hand over his mouth so he could stop and get some oxygen back to his brain. "Do you have any idea how scared I was?" Sugawara scolded, shoulders slumped with relief. "I was worried I'd have to go beat someone up."

Oikawa tsked from Hinata's other side. He produced a small black spray bottle, then proceeded to mist Hinata's face with its contents. "Shame on you for not telling the- Stop opening your mouth like that! You can't eat the setting spray, Hinata!"

Hinata froze, brown eyes wide with shock and tongue partially out from between his lips. His expression was priceless, like a child who'd just been caught doing something he wasn't supposed to. That arguably wasn't too far off from the truth here. His sunshine-y innocence melted all remaining tension from the room, and a moment later Sugawara was doubled over, shoulders heaving with laughter. 

"Oh, Hinata!" he cooed, wiping a few stray tears from his eyes. The smile on his face was his typical mix of scary, playful, and sweet. Sugawara was truly a one-of-a-kind person. Motherly one minute, and a keen smart-mouth the next. The in-betweens were just as exciting. After all this years, they were still being uncovered. I prayed for whatever soul would end up being this guy's partner. 

Kenma stood calmly next to him, raising a free hand to awkwardly pat Suga on the back as he heaved to catch his breath. I half expected him to make a sly comment but he obviously didn't have the lung capacity to do so at the moment. So, I inched away from my small crowd of friends to the large picnic-style a table on the other end of the room. There, I found my bags just where I had left them. I got busy with unpacking my things.

My Team Japan jacket lay neatly folded at the very top of my bag. I gingerly lifted the garment out, the fabric nearly making me cringe with all the memories it held. I was still a member of Japan's figure skating team to this day, but the whole ordeal just seemed a bit bittersweet to me. All of the work I had put into this lifetime lead me there, to my place in the most elite group in the country. But despite the blood, sweat, and tears, (and weak ankles), I wasn't entirely sure if I was happy now.

Of course I felt accomplished. I had achieved the one thing I've wanted my entire life, even if that one thing was more desired by my mother than myself. But that didn't mean I felt _happy._ It didn't feel nearly as shiny and whimsical as it had when I made the Junior Olympic team a few years back. I was the youngest skater there, but that didn't stop me from making a name for myself and giving a performance just as great as my seniors. Things were different now. Instead of feeling proud of myself, I would brace for scolding, which was injected into me in unhealthy doses from both myself and mom. Instead of celebrating, I wasted no time preparing for the next grueling season. No matter what, I was always just so _tired._

I heaved my suitcase onto the bench. Once this current season came to a close, the next Winter Olympics would take place. I knew scouts had already been making their rounds these past four years. You tend to get used to it, the feel of their eyes boring into you from hundreds of feet away. But since nothing compared to my own mother's venomous critique, it stopped getting under my skin long ago.

I shifted a few items from the suit case to the bag I'd be taking to the ice before finally grabbing my skates. I lifted the boots through their protective bag and set them aside. Beneath them were my sneakers, which I dropped onto the floor. They landed with a light _thwack._ Shoving my feet into them, I zipped up my bags. I opted for my black Nike pullover instead of the team coat and left the room to go get my blood pumping.

My feet had already carried me all the way to the rink before I remembered what day of the week it was. Loud voices and the clang of sticks echoed off the high ceilings. Some sort of rock radio station played out from the speaker system. A sum of easily twenty-five men were dispersed all across the ice- some doing drills in one place, some skating back and forth from their groups to a very tired-looking man with bleached hair. Today was a Tuesday, which was very much an ice day for the professional hockey team. 

I turned my back to the rink and tipped my head up to stare at the ceiling, trying my absolute hardest to keep the screaming inside me internal. Should I leave? Run back? I had to do _something._

_Nope, too late to run now,_ I thought. I was already here. It would only draw more attention to myself if I just dipped after waltzing in and freezing up on the spot. My hands absentmindedly walked their way into the pockets of my pullover. I took my time slowly putting on my gloves, taking advantage of every second to cool down my rapidly growing anxiety. _They're not staring. They don't care. They are focused on practice._

I continued mentally reassuring myself as I took off in a relaxed run. Just a few laps around the rink to wake up my muscles, and I could return to the privacy of the off-ice room. 

I was midway through my second lap around the rink when I saw movement out of the corner of my eye at the ice's entrance. My reflexes shot into action, bounding off of my left foot to propel me in the opposite direction of the threat. 

Either I wasn't fast enough, (which was extremely unlikely, thank you,) or this person had the brain the size of a hockey puck, because they made no effort to move out of the way. 

I was midway through reciting what I thought would be my final words as my throat nearly banged into their elbow, but at the last minute a hand wrapped around my arm. My momentum paused and I skidded to a halt.

The shock wore off a moment later, but the stranger's hand hadn't budged from my arm. I cleared my throat a few times, taking a step back immediately. I didn't take unwanted physical contact kindly, let alone from a stranger. My current situation was no exception.

"Woah, settle down there, pretty boy. I'm not going anywhere."

My stomach lurched, nearly throwing up in my mouth a little bit. Just who did this guy think he is, banging into me like that and then playing it off like nothing? I shot him a glare, reaching up to rub at my sleeve like he'd just wiped something nasty onto it. My movements were starting to get rude and snappy, but at this point I hoped he'd figure it out.

A head of bleached blonde hair, spiky and styled in an undercut. Pierced ears and eyebrows that literally screamed _asshole._ He smiled a flirty smile at me, and something sparkled between his lips. He stepped a little closer. I followed with a rather large step backward. "Aw, don't look at me like that, baby. What's your name?" He extended his hand, fingers twirling a piece my hair. 

I smacked his hand away. This guy had said roughly three sentences to me and I was already really not liking him. I felt my walls raise up around me, closing me out from the stranger and masking me with a passive, irritated expression. "And you need to know, because?"

Blondie licked his lips and something reflected the light again. _A tongue piercing? Nope. Not today._

"I just wanted to know who the gorgeous man that just ran into me was." He smirked, flicking his wrist before pulling his arm down in a dramatic bow. "Terushima Yuuji, at your service hopefully soon." 

I crossed my arms over his chest. "I'm very sorry, but I'm not interested." I pondered which way this brute would go packing if I kicked his blades out from under him. There was no way I'd entertain this guy after _he_ bumped into _me_ without so much as an "I'm sorry". And on top of that, just what exactly was he trying to get out of me right now?

Terushima didn't take the hint. He strode right up to my side, leaning against the glass wall and much too close to me. "So, are you here to watch practice? I've never seen you around here before," he purred. 

Ah, he's the typical meat-headed flirt you'd usually find on a men's sports team. But I wasn't about to let this jock get his way. "I'm around here quite often, actually. And no, I did not come to watch hockey." I threw him my best _does-it-look-like-I-give-a-damn-about-you_ stare.

He laughed, the sound making it clear just how high this dude thought his horse was. He glanced at my lips, looked me up and down, and smirked at me. _Ew._

"Oh, really? I don't think I'd forget seeing such a nice face. What do you do?" 

"I don't have to tell you that."

Terushima's eyes widened with surprise, mouth freezing slightly open. Clearly this guy wasn't used to being told no. I bet I'd enjoy putting him in his place if I had the time. "Sorry for bumping into you. Have a nice day," I said when he didn't respond. Just as I walked past him, Terushima recovered. A hand wrapped around my wrist. The contact irritated me. 

"Aww, don't be like that. How 'bout I give you my number, and you can tell me some other time?" He raised an eyebrow at me suggestively.

I blinked at him. "I have practice soon and I really need to warm up, so if you could please let go of me, that would be great, Terushima-san."

Terushima smiled an amused smile but nonetheless released my wrist. He didn't back up, however. "Alright, alright. Play hard-to-get. I'll still give you my number, though." He winked at me. "So whatcha got practice for, pretty boy?"

"That won't be necessary. Also, I'm a figure skater. This is my home ice."

He raised his eyebrows in surprise, the delinquent smile only getting wider by the minute. "A skater, huh?" He leaned in. "Are you any good, or are ya just good at being pretty?"

Don't get me wrong here. I have never, ever, bragged about my accomplishments, but the experience under my belt was too valuable not to defend. Hell, I was even teaching kids now in my spare time. So was I any good? Gee, I'm not sure. "There's no use in telling you. I doubt you know anything about skating," I said flatly. 

I could see it on his face- Terushima felt challenged, and was totally eating it up. His eyes narrowed as he searched for a button to push on me. "Really now? How many little spins can you do?"

He clearly didn't realize how stupid that sounded. I was preparing a retort when a light bulb went off in my brain. "Terushima-san, you know how there are banners hung on the walls around the rink?"

Terushima nodded, blonde hair falling out of place like he'd planned for it to be precisely that messy. It reminded me of someone. "I know there's hockey ones. Why, did ya see my name on them?" 

I took this as my chance to wrap up this uninvited interaction and move on with my warm up. "I'm Akaashi. If you're really all that interested in if I'm good or not, I think my name might be up there as well."

He bit his bottom lip. "I'll have a look next time I pass by, then."

"Akaa...shi?"

Bokuto materialized behind Terushima, skates tucked under his arm and a large water bottle with its lid screwed off in his hands. His face lit up with a smile impossibly bright for, what was it, like seven or eight in the morning? He opened his mouth to say something, but then he saw Terushima, and the smile fell away. Terushima _finally_ took a step back from me to address his teammate. "Oh, you know this guy, Bokuto? I was just about to ask for his number."

"That doesn't mean you were gonna get it," I shot back. There was no doubt left in me now that he was bad news. If something made Bokuto stop smiling, chances are it wasn't a good thing. 

Bokuto's shoulders lost some of their tension, and his eyes shone with something more alleviated. "Come on, Teru. I don't think Akaash wants you flirting with him this early in the morning."

"Ohoho, so you _do_ kno-"

"TERUSHIMA! IF YOU'RE DONE HARASSING PATRONS, GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!"

Both of the boys recoiled like dogs hearing a training whistle. The older blonde man who I inferred was the coach looked on the brink of banging his head into the wall, an angry frown visible all the way from here. He stood in the middle of the rink, clipboard in hand. A pencil was perched behind his ear. 

Terushima clapped Bokuto on the back. Bokuto smiled at the former, looking uncomfortable but as expected never showing anything but kindness. "See you in a few, Bo. Don't make me wait too long for my passing drill partner!" And with that he jumped back onto the ice, winking at me on his way out.

It took nearly all my strength to not gag once he left. Bokuto was quick to pick up on my discomfort. He plopped down next to my feet on the ground like a little kid before tugging at his laces. "Sorry about him, Akaash. Teru's a big flirt, but sometimes he takes it just a little too far."

I subconsciously rocked back in forth on the balls of my feet. Awkwardness settled over me, quickly replacing the previously sour mood. "It's fine. I could have handled it, but..."

Bokuto tugged wiggled his foot into the skate. He looked up at me eagerly, blinking owlishly. 

It took me a humiliating entire minute for me to realize he was actually waiting for my reply. My cheeks felt warm. "...thanks. For standing up for me."

One, two, three seconds passed as Bokuto processed my words, his eyes never leaving me. Then, that big smile that made my vision go rosy was back. "Of course!" He tugged at his laces one last time before tying the skates and getting to his feet. "I was really hoping to see you this morning anyway, with your practice being after ours. But I saw you over here, and then I saw Teru, and I got a little jealous since he likes to flirt. He's kind of a... what's the word? Oh!"- he snapped his fingers, gloves muffling the sound-"a player!"

If I were walking right now, I would've tripped over my own two feet. 

" _I got a little jealous since he likes to flirt."_

Ironically, I was starting to feel quite warm standing next to this giant slab of ice. "I, uh..." I searched my brain for a response that would let Bokuto know that I had absolutely _no_ interest in that idiot. "I was running a lap around the rink and he hit me..."

"He hit you?"

"No, not like that!" I added frantically, throwing up my hands. "He bumped into me and just started asking me all these questions. I didn't really know what to do."

Bokuto laughed. It was like the chiming of bells. Or maybe the relaxing crackle of logs on a fire. Either way, I found myself latching onto every note of it. "That definitely sounds like him!" He threw an arm in the air, a pleased groan sounding deep in his throat as he stretched his torso. It was quite a nice visual. _Maybe watching hockey practice wouldn't be so boring, if that's what I got to look at._ He went to say something else, but his brows pinched together with something that resembled worry. "Ah. Are you, uh, interested in him?" He tugged sheepishly at the sleeve of his forest green tee.

My eyebrows shot up upon hearing his question. I quickly shook my head hard enough to make myself dizzy. Normally, my passiveness would help me communicate things to people when my words failed or I just didn't want to. But now that I likely looked like an overly shy teenager, I wasn't so sure I had body language on my side.

One observant blink from Bokuto and I was reminded who I was dealing with. This man-who's exterior displayed raw power and a commanding, uplifting presence- also had some scary good people skills. Eyes that flashed like wildfire paved the way to to something else. A sort of intelligence much more unrestrained and petrifying than the average person. 

I felt myself squirm slightly under his gaze, but the anxiety faded when Bokuto's face softened. His face was more gentle, more playful, the corners of his eyes crinkling just the tiniest bit and his teeth flashed behind his lips. 

A whistle blew in the distance. Bokuto sighed sadly, shoulders now slumped. "I gotta go now, Akaash." He straightened suddenly, jumping closer to me. "But I'm pumped 'cause I got to see you! Stick with me, and"- He scratched the best of his neck- "I mean, if that's okay with you of course! Anyways, I'll make sure Teru stays out of your hair." He glanced backward before taking a step out onto the ice. "Text you later?"

Still partially stunned, all I could do was nod. I watched him hurry back to the team like he hadn't just pinned me down with his eyes alone.

\---

The sound of blades scraping ice floated up here and there from around the rink. The previous rock channel from the hockey team had thankfully been replaced with a more calm, probably Indie style playlist. All open ice and gentle silence. 

It was everything I could ever want.

Twisting my upper body, I opened my arms and pressed into the front of my blade. Gliding bakward on one foot, my free leg stretched out in front of me slightly.

I pushed my hip out, pivoting my head to lock in where I was turning. Once it felt just right, I shifted my weight to my heel and turned my lower body so I traveled in the same direction with my toes leading instead. My weight came back to the balls of my feet. I squeezed my thighs hard, studying the feeling in my hips to confirm that my body position was just right. 

Now for the fun part: I completed the three-point turn and lowered my free blade to the ice. I whipped right into a Quad Toe Loop.

My landing sent shock reverberating through my feet and up my spine. Despite the rush I easily controlled my body, shoulders straight and square, free leg perfectly pointed. It was a feeling I never wanted to end.

The jumps could also never be good enough though.

Unsatisfied, I shifted to the other edge of my blade and and skated off to another patch of ice. There had to be something wrong with that jump, even if my checklist was complete and my landing had no dirt.

"Very clean, Akaashi!" I heard coach call from the far wall. Not wanting to be rude, I paused to throw a nod in his direction. A minute later, I found myself circling near where the old man stood. 

"I thought I told you to leave the judging to me, and to just skate." Coach's eyes darted from skater to skater as he scribbled away in the black binder he had open on top of the wall. Hard lines adorned his face. He must've come out of the womb frowning.

Leaning down, I picked up my foot and wiped the slush off my blades. I shook my hand until most of it came off my glove. "I can make it better." 

"Akaashi, you easily have one of the best Toe Loops in this damn country. I'm happy that you work hard, but you always end up dwelling on the tiniest mistakes when everything else you did was spotless."

"I shouldn't be making stupid mistakes at my level."

Coach barked out a laugh. He tapped the lead of his pencil hard on his paper, marking a dark period at the end of a sentence. "The only person who can tell you what you should and shouldn't be doing while you're out there is your coach." He closed the binder. "You did very well today. Your program is getting cleaner every day. Keep up the spirit, but don't grind yourself down. One day, you won't be able to sharpen back up."

I pulled at the end of my glove. They were tight and damp on my skin. "Yes, sir."

Coach's words lingered in my head after he left. I took a careful glance behind me, making sure no one was in my way before I flew off again across the ice. I did a few mohawks in the space around me, the hiss of metal on ice mixing with the white noise in my ears. I licked my lips, touched my arms and let the pad of my finger slide down the goosebumps. 

After a few more elements and some internal strife, I approached the wall where a few of our bags were placed. Using one hand I grabbed my jacket and wiped my face, holding my water to my lips with the other. My skin was hot and cold at the same time. 

"Hey, Coach said we could use this time to record some stuff while he's working with Kenma and Hinata. Wanna take turns being camera man?"

I kicked my toe pick at the ice to lazily turn my body, finding Suga and Oikawa standing in front of me. "Sure," I replied. 

The two smiled at me, each of them taking hold of one of my wrists and leading me away from the wall. They barely gave me a chance to put my bottle down; I heard it hit the ground on the other side of the wall. Praying it didn't break, I let them lead me to an open piece of ice.

Suga went first, Oikawa insisting he recorded. With a glance between him and I, we both agreed to let Oikawa have his way, well aware he was not telling us everything about his knee situation. 

For the next hour or so of practice, the three of us made ourselves busy with recording, watching, correcting, and repeating. It was harder for me to focus with other people this close, but I wasn't about to waste my ice time. I got in about four videos of each jump, spin, and combination in my programs before I finally worked up the nerve to part from our group. They didn't argue with me too much to my relief, I knew they understood I needed this time to clear my head before something else came along and fogged it up. Noise was kept to a minimum aside from the occasional "Hinata, free leg!" or "Kenma, don't look so bored!" From coach. I caught glimpses of Oikawa and Suga smiling at each other every so often. I may be a buzzkill, but I still loved my friends.

I only slowed my pace when my legs were starting to feel like jelly. There were a few people scattered around the tables around the rink now, rental skates and coats in hand for the public ice session. I didn't wear a watch, so I couldn't exactly check the time, but practice would be ending soon as patrons took their turn on the ice.

I let my speed diminish. Holding my arms open neatly, I zeroed in on my balance on one foot as I did some slow rockers. Inside to outside, then back to inside, then all over again. It was calming. I breathed in the last of the quiet air I'd get before visitors flooded the rink.

My warm-down followed suit, the main focus being on slow and controlled movements. The soreness from the excessive amount of jumping I did today was creeping its way up my lower body. As I came down from my training high, I recalled the series of events from today so far.

I barely recalled anything about Terushima, just that he was an asshole. No, the reason Terushima even crossed my mind is because thanks to him, I saw the only hockey player I had any interest in. The memory of his laugh, his eyes, and his smile. _Oh,_ that smile. The mental picture brought my own onto my lips. Bokuto felt nice to be around. His energy levels were uplifting. Something about him just pulled you right to him, and fast. People like that would most of the time just turn me off- too loud, too touchy, too energetic. It's not that I hated the extroverted type, I just couldn't _keep up_ with them. And I didn't want to keep up with anyone who wasn't in my little squad or would make me a better skater.

For the first time in my life, I discovered I wanted to make an exception. Bokuto was just the rare kind of soul that made you want to throw worry and caution to the wind, but in a way that was less intimidating.

Someone called for me on the other side of the rink. Pulled from my thoughts I finally took a look around. Coach was long gone. Suga, Hinata, Oikawa, and Kenma huddled together by the ice's entrance. Hinata had somehow managed to lug both his and my bags with him, the suitcases bulky in comparison to his small body. 

On my way out I made sure to get a good look at the hockey banners on the wall.

\---

My muscles were begging for the sweet release of death by the time I got home. 

Shoving my key into the door and pulling it open, I hobbled into my apartment. I didn't bother to put my bags in their proper places, dropping them in the entryway and trudging on numb legs to the couch. Strange how such an uncomfortable piece of furniture felt like a hug from a cloud right now. I flicked on the TV without a second thought of what was on it. I had no interest in watching it, but the noise filled the pathetic quiet.

After a solid thirty minutes of war with my eyelids, I set an alarm on my phone and allowed myself the reward of a light nap. Eventually my stomach would have its way and I would have to eat, but I was way too tired to even _think_ about cooking. Training just took too much thinking- I usually didn't have much brain capacity left afterward. Burying my face into the cushions, I let go of all thoughts and let my mind be carried off to sleep.

\---

There was definitely an alarm going off right now. But there was also way too much lactic acid in my muscles for them to be moving. I rolled over and my hips throbbed in protest as if my body was saying _fuck you_ for skipping stretching. I clamped my hands down on the pillow, using it to cover my ears and burrow deeper into the couch.

From across the room, something sounded like footsteps. A tapping sound when they hit the wood floor, and more of a shuffle when they hit the living room carpet.

"Is that you, Death?" I let my head loll to the side. "I'm ready for you."

"Please don't say that Akaashi!" Hinata's voice piped up from somewhere in the room. The fact that I'd grown used to people just letting themselves into my home should have worried me.

Some more shuffling, and the alarm was silenced. I lifted my head, and my stomach grumbled when my nose sensed something divine. Kenma was lingering nearby, his hair falling over his face as he set a massive plate of food down on the coffee table. I sent a thankful smile his way, which he returned with a nod of his head. 

I sat up on the couch, feeling like a zombie rising from its grave. I planned on waking up a bit more, but even half asleep the desire for food won. My butt hit the ground with a plop as I sat down in front of the coffee table. "Both of you ate too, right?" 

"Yes," they answered at the same time.

I plucked the chopsticks from the table and dug into the takeout. "So," I said between bites, "is there a reason you two broke in?"

"It was really just to make sure that you ate." Kenma raked his fingers through his hair, which he had pulled down sometime earlier.

"And because you two are being kidnapped!" 

Kenma slapped a hand over Hinata's mouth, placid eyes growing wide. The piece of chicken in my chopsticks fell right before I hit my lips and back into the container. "Pardon?"

Hinata wriggled in Kenma's grasp, breaking free and flinging himself onto the couch. He rolled over until his head was resting on my shoulder. 

I shot a dubious look at my blonde friend. "If you do not explain yourself in five seconds, I'm gonna teach Hinata how to braid and use you as the practice hair."

The threat made Kenma flinch back like a startled cat. Seconds later he was back to normal. "I got dragged into Kuro's plans. I didn't want to third wheel so I told him you'd go."

I groaned, dropping my chopsticks and covering my face with my hands. If only my couch could have opened some secret tunnel and let me fall into sweet, sweet Oblivion. I really wanted to be annoyed, but seeing Kenma have the slightest interest in doing something other than being a hermit made it hard. "Kenma, my thighs are dead. Why must you pull me along with your boyfriend?

"Koutarou is coming."

_"Oh."_

"Bokuto was asking for you to go anyway! He told me-"

Hinata's mouth was abruptly shut yet again. His bubbly laughter spilled out through Kenma's fingers. 

I blinked at the two. "So when were you going to tell me about this?"

"Right now," Kenma said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "We have to be there by three."

My fingers fumbled around for my phone, but the device was out of reach. "And what time is it?" I asked, reaching a hand up to comb Hinata's hair out of my face when he turned on my shoulder.

"We have to beat the place at six-thirty."

I tried to read my internal clock, but my blinds were shut. My body had no gauge of what time it could be right now. My nap was only about thirty minutes, and I had gotten home around two-thirty. That should leave me enough time to get ready. "And what is it now?"

"Six."

Alarm bells were ringing in my head. I leapt up from the couch, making a mad dash for the bathroom. Oh, _no._ How could I be ready for this date in time? I was a whole mess- hair sweaty and up every which day, cheeks splotchy from the drastic change in temperatures. Also, I doubt I smelled very good right now. The sweat marks under my arms were camouflaged by the black, but I could definitely _feel_ them.

I sprinted off to my bathroom without another word.

\---

The train station was rather full at this time of day, people mulling in and out as they came home from whatever it is that they do. My feet ached a little from practice, but not enough to make trouble for our walk to the train station. Gas for my car was just an extra expense, so I used it only for when I had to travel with skating gear. The idea of squeezing onto a train with a clunky suit case was probably a safety hazard.

Kenma lifted his eyes from his phone. "Quit pacing, you're making me dizzy."

I stopped mid-stride to shoot him a pleading look. "If I have to cope in an other method, I'd end up killing someone."

His lips twitched ever so slightly. "Don't smile at my pain."

I felt the train slow and a muffled voice announced we had reached our destination. Kenma tucked his PSP into the pocket of his hoodie. "You're not in pain, you just like Koutarou." 

Heat threatened to seep into my cheeks. I took a deep breath. The train door opened and I herded Kenma out into the station. Not sure where we were going, I walked half a step behind Kenma and let him lead the way. 

The city of Tokyo was actually pretty around this time of day in the fall. Cafes were open, people wandered about, and leaves in the many shades of the season twirled in the wind. The temperatures were in my favor this October, cool enough for me to happily wear my sweaters without boiling to death. I hadn't had much time to plan for tonight, so I settled on a soft black sweater, dark skinny jeans, and navy coat-

I ran my hand over my chest in search for a zipper that wasn't there. Moved that hand to my waist to grab for tied sleeves that also were not there. The wind picked up around us like it was mocking me, and I shivered slightly. I opened my mouth to ask Kenma why he didn't tell me I had forgotten a jacket, but closed it a moment later. It wasn't his fault I couldn't focus while I was getting ready. The blame for _that_ was on a different man. "Kenma, where are we going?"

We rounded a corner and a small parking lot came into view. It was mostly empty, apart from the black truck and silver SUV parked right next to each other. _Here we go._

Two heads popped out from behind the cars, four yellow eyes gleaming in the late daylight. The sight would have been terrifying if I didn't know them. Bokuto and Kuroo jogged up to us, meeting us halfway. Both boys wore matching Adidas pants with white half-stripes. While Kuroo was in a hoodie, Bokuto wore a hockey tee and a thick black coat with the collar folded back. The revealed skin on his neck was almost torturous. 

"Ah, the babes have arrived!" Kuroo roared. He threw an arm around Kenma's shoulders and bumped their heads together. "I'm so ready to eat my weight in pastries." Kenma remained placid in his spot, seeming content with just following his boyfriend's flow. The two fit rather well together. I waved a quick greeting to Kuroo, but my mind was mainly on the other man standing next to me. I didn't have time to speak as Kuroo ushered us all out of the lot and down the street.

Bokuto walked his hands in his pockets, eyes darting around restlessly from me to his feet. He looked like he wanted to do or say something, but was waiting for something. The wind picked up and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

Feeling the just a tad bold, I spoke up first. By some miracle I kept my voice even. "Hi, Bokuto-san."

He looked up at me, this time smiling brilliantly. "Akaash! Wow, I feel so lucky getting to see you two times today-hey, are you okay?"

I hugged my body, rubbing my arms as we walked almost directly into the wind. I squeezed my eyes shut for a second. When he gave me another worried stare, I dropped my arms at my sides. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why?"

Our shoulders brushed as we walked, the back of his hand grazing my own, and wow, was it _normal_ for someone's body temperature to be that high? The contact from his hand alone made my chilled skin shiver. "You're cold."

"I'm not cold."

A hand came up to rest on my shoulder and I nearly lost my footing on the _flat sidewalk_ beneath me. Heat sprung from Bokuto's skin and spread across my chest through the fabric of my top. "Nope, you're lying." He removed his hand, fingers sliding down the length of my arm in the process. Intentional or not, I didn't care-all I cared about was that I really wanted to feel it again. "You were shivering." He pulled his coat off his shoulders, shaking it until the fabric slid off and revealed thick, bare arms. From where I stood I thought I felt the heat radiating from him.

"N-no, please keep it." I hastily shoved his arm away a little too harshly when he held the jacket out to me. "Thank you. But it's getting cold out and you need it."

Kuroo and Kenma came to a stop in front of us, and we followed suit. The smell of freshly baked goods poured out from a brightly lit little cafe with red awnings and picnic tables. Kuroo went right for the door, dragging Kenma behind him and leaving us two in the dust.

A more swift breeze kicked in and a gasp shook my shoulders without my permission. I was about to make a mad dash for the promising shelter of the cafe when a hand caught my shoulders again.

"What are you-"

Bokuto gently pulled me backwards and stopped me inches in front of him. I lifted a hand to question him.

Hands directed my body to turn and face Bokuto. I could only watch as his arms carefully swung over my head. He wrapped his coat loosely around my shoulders and my heart leapt as his scent entered my nose. He tugged the collar up to cover my neck, and with lingering touches tucked the fabric around me. 

"There we go, all better. Can't have you getting a cold, can I?"

Heat lit up every nerve on my face. My heart was in his throat and his hands were still gently holding my upper arms. Bokuto's eyes bored into mine like a hunter with no intention of letting his prize get away.

The sound of knuckles rapping against glass pierced the air, making me jump a little in surprise. Bokuto broke eye contact with me, and, thank God I could finally _breathe,_ to look up. Recognition flashed in his eyes and he let out the cutest laugh like he hadn't just stared into my soul. I whipped my head around to find Kuroo making faces at us through the window. Kenma came into view next to him, a tray of desserts in hand. Once my initial shock wore off I let myself be pulled toward a picnic table where we reconfigured. 

Kuroo and Bokuto wasted no time digging into the sweets, hands filling their mouths before their butts were even on the bench. I stared at Kenma from across the table. He raise his eyebrows and tipped his head toward the jacket over my shoulders. I gave him an equally surprised look, then tipped my head at Bokuto, who was sitting next to me munching away. 

He lifted a small plate of green tea mochi from the tray and slid it in front of me. "Here, before these two eat everything."

"We would never," Kuroo interjected around a mouthfull of cake.

Kenma leaned on Kuroo's shoulder and pulled out his phone. "You absolutely would."

"I guess if that's so true, I'll have to take this apple pie..." His hand inched over the table near Kenma's plate.

"Oooh, I wouldn't do that if I were you," Bokuto quipped.

"If he wants to sleep on the couch tonight, then he can keep going." Kenma narrowed his eyes at Kuroo, who's mouth fell open as brought a hand to his chest. "Kenma, how could you do this to me?"

Kenma snagged his fork and took a bite of his pie.

"You truly are a drama queen, Kuroo-san." I took a nibble at my mochi. 

He shot me a glare. "I would literally rather die than not sleep holding my boyfriend, thank you very much."

"And that's why you're not denying it."

Bokuto laughed heartily, leaning to the side to bump his head against my shoulder. The tips of his hair just barely brushed against my cheek and suddenly I was a lot more aware of how ticklish I was.

"Tetsu, Akaash is already grilling your ass."

"I'd rather grill _your_ ass, bro." He wiggles his eyebrows.

Bokuto grinned around his fork as he shoveled a bite of cake into his mouth. "I don't think I'll ever fully understand why you guys always talk about my ass."

"Maybe your best friend is just weird," I offered.

Kuroo gaped at me. "Akaashi, my man." He swallowed a quick bite of cake. "Have you _seen_ his ass? He- _ow,_ Kenma! Why'd you kick me?" 

If my cheeks weren't red from the cold already, they sure were now. "Uhm..."

"Don't listen to Tetsu, he's just being Tetstu," Bokuto laughed. He put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it gently. When I turned to look at him there was the faintest touch of pink on his cheeks.

"Fine, fine, I'll behave," Kuroo huffed. "You guys are weird."

" _We're_ weird?" Kenma interjected. 

Kuroo popped his final bite of cake into his mouth, speaking with food in his mouth. "Yeff, yeff you are."

My respect for Kenma clicked up another notch as I watched him shrug and pick up his fork and dig back into his pie. I giggled to myself before taking another bite of my mochi. 

"Do you like green tea, Akaash?" Bokuto turned to look at me. A tiny dot of frosting sat on the corner of his mouth. I refrained from having a cuteness overload.

"Mmh, yes, I do. But I like anything as long as it's sweet."

Bokuto hummed to himself. He cocked his head and a smiled that lopsided grin. "Akaash likes sweets... Hey, have you tried the cakes here?"

"This is my first time here, actually." I glanced at our surroundings. We were the only ones sitting at the picnic tables, a few people walking by here and there. Fairy lights wound around the area and bathed the ground with tiny flecks of light. 

Bokuto gasped loudly. I flinched backward a little bit, but he must not have seen as he scrambled to push his plate in front of me. "You have to try this!"

I laughed a little, the sound was nervous in my throat. "You don't have to share just because I-"

"Nope!" He plucked the fork from my hand and cut off a bite from the cake. "I have just now decided that you have to."

"O..kay." I watched as he carefully scooped the piece onto the fork. He was already lifting the fork up to my mouth when I finally realized just what he was doing. My body tensed when he brought it to my lips.

Bokuto's eyes fluttered open in realization. "Oh, sorry, sorry! I wasn't thinking. Do you, uhh...?" His eyes darted from me to the fork. 

But I was already there, and he was already here. I roped up my courage and parted my lips slightly, shooting him what I hoped look like a reassuring smile. It must've worked, because Bokuto's eyes lit up and he fed me the bite.

"Good, right?" His voice came down a bit, softer and more shy. His eyes still had that lively flicker. "It's probably too late to go get more, but one day we'll come back together and try all of their cakes!"

"Honey?" I guessed. He nodded eagerly. There was no way humanly possible to _not_ smile back at him.

Kuroo swooned loudly, clasping a hand to his chest. "Sorry to interrupt, but that was adorable, and we really need to hurry up before we get kicked out." 

"Maybe you shouldn't come to stores so close to closing time," Kenma suggested.

"Babe, back me up here!"

"No."

"You guys are so in love," Bokuto proclaimed.

As the couple mercilessly bickered away and Bokuto piped up here and there, I stared down intently at my plate. The wind rustled the leaves around us and I couldn't help but think about how Bokuto's body heat lingered on his coat when he put it on me. It smelled like his cologne and the sweet, gentle, unidentifiable scent I only noticed when we were close to each other. 

_"...one day we'll come back together and try all of their cakes!"_

There were a lot of things I hoped to try together now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update!! forigve me y'all, next chapter will be a fun ride:)

The day after my outing with Kenma and the Bromance Duo was a Friday, which meant no hockey team on the ice. Me a couple weeks ago would have been relieved. But me now? I'm just gonna come out and say it- I was disappointed. 

"Finally," Suga mused as he plopped down on the bench beside me, "a day where there are no hot boys hanging around while I'm trying to work."

I rolled my eyes at him. "You act like you were actually bothered by them being here," I commented. From the corner of my eye I could see Suga's mouth turn upward into a smile that was anything _but_ innocent. He unlaced his skates and kicked him off like they disgusted him. "Every time I looked over at you, you were ogling Sawamura-san like you wanted to eat him."

He shrugged at me. "Oh, but I do. Daichi is just _delicious,_ " he said easily, like he'd just commented on the weather.

My face flashed hot and I clapped a hand over his mouth right away. " _You can't just say that!"_ I whisper-yelled at him. Brown eyes narrowed at me and I could just see the schemes swirling in his irises. He licked my palm. I yelped at him, ripping my hand away to rub it on his back. 

"Don't act like you haven't been enjoying them being here too! Bokuto could just walk by, and you turn into an infant on the ice," he refuted. "Oh, and we all saw Terushima hitting on you. Bokuto-san better make a move fast before someone else comes and snatches you up."

"Oh? My ex was trying to make a move on our precious Akaashi?" 

I buried my face in my (one) clean hand. "Oikawa, you _dated that guy?"_ I whined. "He literally screams _delinquent."_

Oikawa giggled as he flopped down on the ground in front of us, wiggling out of his own skates. "Oh, don't get all whiny with me. It was a few years ago, and it didn't last that long. Just a fling, nothing more and nothing less."

"A fling?" Suga asked curiously. "I'm mad you haven't told me about this yet, but now I'm interested."

"Well _I'm_ not. You two are gonna get your asses kicked one day for preying on innocent men," I cut in just as Oikawa was about to explain. The two just laughed at me, and the smirk they shared was awfully concerning. 

"Fine, fine. I won't discuss the... _graphics,_ per say, of my story right now." Oikawa clambered to his feet, using Suga and I's legs as a boost. "I'll call you later Suga, since you're the only fun one here."

Suga kicked Oikawa in the ass as he was walking away. I didn't feel bad for laughing at him at all. 

I took a long swig from my water bottle and tugged my coat off. "You know," Suga began, "I know that I've been making jokes about Daichi here and there, but I really, really do like him. We actually hung out this weekend and we've been texting here and there, too. I'm not denying I think he's a gorgeous piece of man, but I hope you know that my heart's in the right place." He ruffled my hair, and I leaned into his side.

"I know, I know. I'm just..."

Suga put his hand over my own, which were absentmindedly twitching and toying with each other. "Just what?"

"...not good with flirting kind of stuff."

Suga finished wiping one of his blades and stuck the rocker onto the skate. "Why are you even saying that? Are you... _Akaashi!"_ He abandoned his thought as he gasped, dropping his skate into his lap to grab both of my hands. "You like Bokuto-san!"

My face once again burned in the cold air. I tried tugging my hands free, but Suga's grip was vice-like. "Don't be stupid!"

The look in his eye had now turned into something devilish. I swallowed thickly. "Oh, stop lying. I can see how flustered you are. What happened? Tell me _now."_

"How the hell do you know something happened?" Suga was a terrifying person. He was motherly. He was graceful. He would rip someone's legs off for you. And worst of all, he can pull just about anything out of you. 

The wildness wound down in his face a moment later. He loosened his gorilla grip on my hands to a gentle squeeze and his eyes went soft. "Akaashi, you know you can tell me anything, right? I know whatever you're feeling is really new to you. If you wanna tell me later tonight, then that's okay. If you don't wanna tell me at all, that's also fine. You know I'm here for you."

The tension in my stomach began to uncoil. I sighed and let my head fall onto Suga's shoulder, and he wrapped an arm around me. "How am I supposed to flirt if I don't even know how. I'm scared, Suga. I've never liked anyone before. Definitely not like I like Bokuto." He stroked my hair gently as I talked, uncaring of how sweaty we both were from training earler. "I think about him all the time, and every single day something happens and I can just feel myself falling harder for him. I can't mess this up."

"Akaashi," Suga laughed. He let out a sigh as he silently put together his next words. "Try thinking about it like this." He pointed a finger out toward the ice, where Kenma was out taking his time warming down. Kenma whipped himself around to skate forward, his torso bending backward and his arms forming a circle over his head. "What's Kenma doing right now."

"Simple, a layback. Why?"

Suga lowered his hand. "Spins have always come so easy to you. You do them without thinking, because when you're out there on the ice you feel okay just doing what feels natural. So, why not just do what feels natural with him? Listen to your feelings, not just your little mind." He flicked my forehead playfully and I laughed against his shoulder. "I know how hard it can be to express feelings like this, especially when it's your first time. But what I'm saying is, you shouldn't try to label it as flirting. Knowing you it'll just make you act rigid because you can't find structure or plan in it. Just _enjoy_ being with him. If something feels right, you won't need to look hard for what to say, because the right words were already found."

I furrowed my brows. "So there's no true way to flirt?"

He nodded. "Just tell him how you feel when you're ready. There is no _right_ way, because every pair fits together differently. Developing a relationship can be a puzzle, yes, but that doesn't mean everyone else's pieces create the same picture."

_What way could Bokuto and I fit together?_

I leaned into Sugawara and he squeezed me even tighter. "Thank you, Suga." My words were muffled by his shirt. "I feel a lot better about this now. I wanna tell him how I feel so _badly."_ He held me there for a moment on the bench, his skates in his lap and his hands rubbing up and down my back. "Now I just have to get over my nerves."

"If you have any questions, you can always count on me. Everyone else, too. We love you." Then, he leaned down and grinned at me. In a whisper he added, "just maybe not Oikawa. He's never been the best at flirting." 

I shoved his shoulder, laughter bubbling out of me and shaking my shoulders. "You're such a bully, Suga."

"Only to you guys. You're my babies, how else am I supposed to keep you all in check?" He placed his own skates in their protective case and slipped them into his bag. Once the bag was zipped up, he stood and pulled me up with him. He wrapped me up in a hug and sighed, "I'm always around, advice or ass-kicking at the ready. Oh, that reminds me, get Bokuto's address soon, would you? That way if he breaks your heart I'll know where to go if I need to snap his dick off." His eyes sparked menacingly as he pretended to break something in half in his hands.

My stomach twisted at the thought and I barely stopped my hand from flying to cover my dick. " _Ugh,_ definitely did not need that visual." I looked at him and returned his smile. "But seriously, thank you."

"Anytime, Akaashi. Now if you'll excuse me, Daichi and I are meeting for lunch in thirty minutes. Make sure you wear your coat on your way home." He snatched up my bag from the bench. I was about to ask about his date when my stomach plummeted. But of course, it was already too late to react. The bag was already opened and his hands had already found the thick black material of the coat on top. 

I tried to find a sudden interest in the carpet beneath my feet while Suga's eyes bore holes deep into my soul. 

"Akaashi..."

"Who's that?"

"Who's _jacket_ is this?"

"Oika...wa?"

"Oikawa does not have massive arms and definitely does not wear this kind of cologne."

My palms began to sweat. I wiped them on my joggers. "Lost and found?"

Suga was beaming at me. He looked like he might start vibrating with excitement. "I'm revoking my counseling. You need to tell me how you got this _now!"_

I dropped my head into my hand. "I only have it because I was going to return it today! I just forgot they wouldn't be here today when I stuck it in my bag." I lurched forward and snatched the jacket out of his hands. Thankfully he let me win. I knew deep down that little fiend would've played with me for me for days. As I tugged the jacket closer to my chest, it took every ounce of willpower in me not to hide my bright red face behind it. "I'll tell you later?" I said quietly. It felt more like an answer to a command than a suggestion. 

He clapped me on the back, just hard enough to make me yelp. "Yes, yes you will. Now go finish your pity party, and don't overwork yourself." His face pulled into a serious expression and his voice became firm. "Practice is _over._ Rest. Or do I have to forcefully remove you from the ice?"

I quickly shook my head no. He flashed me a sweet smile, which at this moment was almost fear-inducing, and skipped out of the rink. 

My brain still partially recovering from the threat of Suga's wrath, I slipped off my guards and got back on the ice. My legs had just gotten some feeling back into them when my eye caught Kenma approaching me. His nose was red, his hands were shoved in his pockets, and his face let me know he was ready to leave and be anywhere but in the rink. He mumbled something inaudible before leaning his full weight onto me. "Hey, Kenma?" He lifted his head at the sound of my voice. "Do you have any advice on flirting? Well, not flirting. How did you tell Kuroo how you felt?"

"Kenmaaa!" Two voices wailed from the other side of the rink. The public session was open now and patrons were filing in, so I used that as reason not to stab myself with my toe pick. Kenma lifted moaned again, and then I deciphered what he was trying to say earlier: "Save me."

Kuroo and Hinata screeched to a halt in front of us, ice flying up every which way. I shot them an annoyed glare. "My pants had _just_ dried," I muttered to Kenma. He could definitely feel my pain. I brought up my volume so the other two could hear me. "Hello, Kuroo-san. Hello Hinata. Are you guys taking taking Kenma against his will again?"

Kuroo's mouth dropped open. "Wow, okay. Be that way, Kenma." He crossed his arms. "Just remember who has your game." He sneered, patting the imprint of a PSP in his pocket. 

It was a very slow movement, but Kenma reluctantly stood up straight and skated over to Kuroo. Hinata was bouncing excitedly behind Kuroo. His feet were shaving the ice rapidly beneath him, fidgeting like he couldn't contain the sheer force of his happiness. I looked over him carefully and found a small brown splotch on the front of his shirt.

I gave Kuroo a knowing look. He returned an apologetic one that really had no apology behind it. Men really made me tick sometimes. He slung his arms around the shorter men's shoulders, slowly turning them in the direction of the exit. "I'm almost offended that you have no faith in my abilities to tame these two. Don't worry! I'll have them at your door in one piece, five p.m sharp."

Yet another facial conversation as Kenma begged for rescue, I sympathized, and we agreed that we'd talk tonight. Hinata wriggled against Kuroo's arm. "Hey, why can't I drive today?"

"Absolutely not," Kuroo, Kenma and I all said at once. He pouted up at Kuroo before they bid me goodbye and left the ice. I sat back on my blade so my body whipped around and went back to practicing.

\---

Everything in front of my face was blurred, morphing together as my body turned faster and faster. My right leg threatened to give out beneath me, but I squeezed my muscles harder and stood up slowly from my sit spin. The music played in my head. My arms drew forward. Time stretched around me as I brought one arm up. My fingers stretched up to the ceiling, reaching, begging for something to hold as I stopped my rotation and hit my ending pose.

There were only about five other people on the ice right now, mostly other younger skaters taking advantage of the empty early public ice. I didn't have enough room to do full runs, so I'd worked bits and pieces for the past thirty minutes or so. My legs soon stopped trembling enough for me to make my way back to the wall. So much blood had left my brain at this point, I probably would've said the wrong thing if you asked me my name.

"Here you go!" A hand held my water bottle out to me, shaking it excitedly a few times.

I stopped in front of the wall, leaning on it with my unoccupied arm as I accepted the bottle. "Thank you, Bokuto-san." I brought it to my lips and chugged like a horse in a draught.

"You're welcome!" He beamed. 

_Wait a minute._

Water exploded from my lips, spraying the wall a little bit before my hand shot up to cover my mouth. As if God himself wasn't satisfied with the level of humiliation at this point, I started coughing and spluttering so hard that I doubled over. I could practically sense the weird looks I was getting from the other people on the ice.

Bokuto leaned over the wall, grabbing my wrist and pulling me up until I was standing. One of his arms wrapped around me to rub between my shoulder blades which really only made my coughing worse. A few more minutes of animalistic choking passed until I finally caught my breath. Bokuto withdrew his hand. My skin felt cold without the contact.

"I'm so sorry! Did I startle you?" he asked worriedly. 

I leaned my weight against the wall again, shoulders still heaving slightly. "Yeah... maybe... a little..." I panted. His hand returned between my shoulder blades and my pulse leapt into my ears. "Why are you here, Bokuto-san? You guys aren't on the ice today, right?"

A brilliant smile split across his face as Bokuto held up a drink tray. Standing in the tray was a clear plastic cup, swirling with ice and coffee and cream. My mouth watered a little bit. "Well, that's actually exactly why I came. I don't get to see you on our off-ice days, so I thought maybe I could come by and see you. I wasn't able to get here to see your actual practice, but I saw you our here on your own and..." His eyes swept over me and his eyes crinkled adoringly. "...and I don't think I've ever been happier about being late before."

I looked at him dubiously. "So you watched me skate?"

Bokuto's smile faded instantly and his golden eyes filled with panic. He set the drink tray on the wall and slapped his face into his hands. The sound was so loud I was worried he'd hurt himself. "Is it like last time? Are you uncomfortable with me watching you like this too? If it is, I'm so sorry-"

"No, no, it's fine," I interrupted gently. My hands moved without my permission next, coming up to rest on his forearms and pulling his hands away from his face. "That night was just an accident, and I'm really not upset with you. But it's...I..." He looked blinked at me. Given the smaller distance between us I could see his eyelashes, dark and long and sweeping little shadows around his eyes. "...I don't mind you just watching like this."

Warmth flooded my face, and there was even a soft pinkness on Bokuto's cheeks. His lips curled upward again, inching back into a smile second by second. There was a flash of movement and then his hands were grasping my shoulders.

"Akaash, that was so _amazing!_ Like, are you magic or something? How did you do all that cool stuff?! Your jumps look so cool, and you just look so-uh, the way you look on the ice, it just takes my breath away!"

My hands flew up into the air. "No way it was that good," I argued, avoiding eye contact. "That was such a terrible run. I was wobbly on the landing for my Lutz. I should have been more expressive-"

"Akaash." Now I guess it was his turn to cut me off. His hands came off my shoulders and he grabbed either side of my face, pulling our noses together. I could feel his breath on my skin, see the flecks in his eyes that resembled sparkling metal as they went wide in surprise. "Akaash, how could you possibly say that after what you just did? You're freakin' great, you hear me?" When I didn't move, he used his grip on my head to make me nod up, and then down. He pulled away and crossed his arms over his chest. "There you go. No more self-doubt."

"O-okay."

"How long have you been skating for?"

"About thirty, forty-five minutes?"

"Counting practice?"

"I've lost count of the hours."

Bokuto gaped at me. All I could do was shrug. "What? It's normal for me," I argued. This earned a pout from Bokuto, and it was cute enough to make me internally burn in every corner of my body. I stared at his jutted out bottom lip. Was this what it felt like to want to kiss someone?

"Well, you look tired," he replied. He held up the coffee tray again and I allowed myself just the _tiniest_ peak at his bicep when the muscle flexed through his shirt. "Could I maybe bribe you with this?" 

I jutted a hip out against the wall, running a hand through my hair. I was pretty sweaty, but I wasn't disgusting yet. _Please don't invite me anywhere,_ I internally begged before I replied, "I don't see why not." Bokuto looked like he'd just won some grand prize after I answered. He scooped up my bags and waved me toward the exit. _Curse you, Bokuto Koutarou, you gentleman._ I tapped my knuckle against the wooden wall for for silly superstitious purposes to seal in my prayer a moment ago. It hit a metal sign advertising a restaurant. 

Being suave around Bokuto was just really not ever going to happen for me clearly. The minute I stepped onto regular ground my thighs screamed in objection to being used for their purpose of _walking_. My knees wobbled and I barely caught myself on the wall. I clawed at the air for something to support myself with and my fingers found the fabric of Bokuto's shirt. Hard abdominal muscles curved beneath my fingertips as he hoisted me to my feet. "Woah, are you that tired?"

"Is that supposed to be some sort of jab against me?"

"No, _this_ would be a jab against you," he poked me beneath the ribs which ripped a yelp out of me.

I glared at him, gripping at my assaulted side.

"Sorry! I just had to! You looked so worried and cute, I felt guilty."

My eyes shot open. "Worried and _what?"_

"Nothing!" Bokuto blurted. "Nothing you need to worry about. But still, I really didn't mean that in a spiteful way of any kind. Do you need help?"

My ears were hot. I could literally feel heat in my ears. What the fuck, anatomy. Does it really need to be made this obvious? I gestured toward the nearby bench. "I just need to get these skates off," I glanced around me a couple times, "but I don't remember where I put my guards."

Bokuto's face scrunched up in thought for a moment, then released into one that held understanding. "Can you wait here for me?" I nodded at him. He seemed so excited, I just couldn't rain on his parade by informing him I literally could not go anywhere if I didn't want to screw up my blades. I watched him jog off to a nearby bench. A minute later he came back, two light blue rocker guards in each hand.

I held my hand out in front of me, and he pressed the plastic items in my palm. "You remembered what my guards looked like?"

"Of course I did," Bokuto replied before sinking down on his knees. He held his hands palm-up near my feet acquisitively. Then it dawned on me what he wanted.

"You don't need to do that for me, Bokuto," I protested. My legs were dead beneath me, so I was physically unable to fight him on the matter as his hands came to my foot. He cradled my calf in one hand and the light pressure was euphoric against my tight muscles. One of the rockers was grabbed from my hand and he eased it onto my blade. 

"You can put this leg down now." Bokuto patted the side of my skate softly and I complied eagerly. After he did the same to my other leg, he stood back up to his full height and held an arm out to me. A smile twitched at my lips. Every inch of my skin was like a live wire, sparking with ripping heat at every touch. 

_I want this. I can show him how I feel. Suga is right._

The corners of my mouth twitched. I breathed out some of my tension and let myself smile at him. It may have been small, but it was real. It also must have been enough for Bokuto, because he gave me his own in return though it never left his face when I was around him. I carefully took hold of his arm and let him carry my weight as he lead me to the bench. "

"Thank you, Bokuto-san. You really didn't need to do any of that for me." I crumpled onto the bench, back immediately folding as I flopped over to untie my skates. Bokuto sat down next to me with my bag and the tray of coffees in hand.

We were close enough for our shoulders to brush when I sat back up."Well, I wanted to, and that's my choice." The heat my body begged for after being on the ice was leaking out of him and into me each time he bumped against me. I inhaled softly- fresh linen, sweetness, and the prominent smell of his cologne. "How are you feeling?"

I wiped the black boots dry before putting them in their bags. "Just sore, but it's fine. I have plenty of foam rollers at home." Bokuto held out the coffee to me and I gratefully accepted, taking a big sip after thanking him. It was perfect-sweet and sugary and creamy. We stood up and began walking towards the locker room together, which was now much more doable for me in regular shoes. As we entered the yellowish lighting of the locker room, I took a chance and asked the question. "Bokuto-san, did you just guess how I liked my coffee?"

Bokuto strode over to the row of lockers, lifting the handle of the suit case and rolling it back to me. "Well I may or may not have taken a guess on how sweet it should be, since you said you liked sweet things. But," he paused in front of me with big eyes wide open. "Is it not good? I can take you to get another one that you'd like better!"

I took the suitcase from his offering hand, quickly opening it, throwing my skates in, and closing it back up. "I wasn't asking you that because I thought it was bad. I asked because it's almost the exact way I like it."

A relieved sigh rushed out of Bokuto, and his eyes had a victorious glint in them. "You're saying I got it right then?" I gave him another little nod. Words are hard to use properly around him, so the small gesture was a good backup when I didn't want to babble like an idiot. "YES! I'll remember next time too for you, Akaash!"

Embarrassment tickled around the inside of my stomach. Too enthralled with his accomplishment, Bokuto had paraded out of the locker room without me, now with both of my bags in his hands. Something in me knew I was going to remember this too. 

I followed him out of the rink, through the lobby and into the parking lot, which was now teeming with cars. I clicked the unlock button on my key fob so we could locate my car. Bokuto lead the way to the white Toyota Camry, and it was incredibly hard to miss that he purposefully corralled me me into the side of the road with the least amount of busy traffic. 

"Hey, Akaash?" 

I stopped a few paces behind him, watching him carefully as he opened the trunk of my car. Bokuto loaded the bags into the car with the utmost care, lying the suit case down flat and depositing my back pack in the backseat. "Yes, Bokuto-san?"

"Are you busy for the rest of the day?"

Without thinking, I responded, "yes."

Bokuto's smile didn't entirely fall. This time it just drooped slightly, eyes swimming with something kin to disappointment. "Oh," he shoved his hands into his pockets. "That's okay." With his head hung slightly, he turned on his heel. "I'll come see you as soon as I can again."

My legs thought before my brain. My _everything_ acted before my brain, and I would be forever grateful for that. "H-hold on!" I stumbled forward, practically flying into him and latching onto his bicep. Something about it just felt nice, the way the perfectly shaped muscle fit so perfectly in my palm. "I have some stuff going on the rest of today, and there's a Regional competition tomorrow that I have to perform at even though my actual Regional was two weeks ago... but that's not important. If you had something in mind, I'd love to do it another day, if that's okay with you?"

And once again the smile that's been lighting up my whole world was there again as Bokuto shut my trunk. "I'm more than okay with that!"

I unlocked the rest of the car, tugging my door open. "Maybe Sunday, or sometime next week after practice?"

"Can I... call you?"

"I'd really like that, actually."

Bokuto laughed heartily, chest shaking gently. "I'm so excited now! Drive safe!"

I sank into my seat, waving at him through the windshield when he circled to the front. From the corner of my eye, I could still see his coat poking out of my bag.

"Goodbye, Bokuto-san."

"See ya, Akaash!"

\---

"It was a couple of months ago. I went to go pick up my nephew from hockey practice, and there he was with a couple other guys with his team, just hanging our and helping the youth team! Definitely love at first sight." Oikawa beamed and leaned back, his entire body stretched out across the couch and his socked feet in my lap. I curled up a bit more against the arm where I had my laptop balanced. While I rewound the clip for the tenth time that hour, I could hear Suga laughing from his place in the kitchen. "I asked Takeru about him, just like the typical 'oh, how was practice' kind of thing. This was before their ice got shut down for repair, by the way. I caught him one day while picking up Takeru, and we really hit it off!"

"So you've known him a lot longer than I thought," I mumbled under my breath. The music in my headphones was turned down to the lowest possible setting while still being audible. He may be talking about his typical boy things, but I wasn't about to entirely ignore my best friend. Suga emerged from the kitchen with and armful of dishes filled with snacks. I peered at him over my screen. "How did you and Sawamura-san meet?"

He grinned from ear to ear at the question and set the snacks on the coffee table. "He comes to the cafe that I work at all the time. When I finally had the courage I made something up about recognizing the team name on his jacket and kind of just went from there." Suga approached my old black recliner and settled into it, letting out a relaxed sigh. "Daichi worries about nutrition a lot. I started bringing him the muffins and things I always make for you guys on the days he comes by. Then we exchanged numbers and so on." He waved a hand in the air and then ran it through his hair. "He's a sweetie."

"Too bad you're only going to taint him, Suga," Oikawa sneered. I slid my hand off my laptop to pinch his toe. "Hey, _ow!"_ He retracted his leg and shot me a wounded look as he rubbed his foot. "I'm only speaking the truth."

Suga laughed into his hand. "I don't know, Oikawa, this one might actually purify me."

"And why do you say that?" Oikawa queried. 

"Like I said, he's a sweetie. Maybe he'll tame me."

"Like _you_ would tolerate anything vanilla. I bet once you get into bed with him you- _Ow, Akaashi!"_

"Nobody will be talking about taking anyone to bed once Kenma and Hinata are here, do you understand me?" Both Suga and Oikawa nodded their heads in agreement. I snatched a cookie from the table and went back to watching the clips of my performances from last competition. Tomorrow wasn't actually a competition for us, that I knew. But nonetheless it was still a performance. I had to be on top of my game. Every move, every stroke against the ice had to be head and shoulders above my previous ones. Suga and Oikawa were now chatting excitedly about date ideas in between bites of food. I flicked my volume up and set my full attention my free skate video.

_"Here we have Akaashi Keiji, twenty years old, representing Tokyo, Japan- Three-time ISU world Champion and silver Olympic Medalist. This is mere Regional is only a stepping stone for Akaashi, as the next Olympic season is nearing."_

Skip.

_"Here comes his first combination... Beautiful Triple Flip Triple Loop! His form is second to none."_

Skip.

_"Keiji's way with emotions on the ice is one of this skater's most unique talents."_

Skip again.

_"Keiji is said to have a more reserved personality, but here on the ice he is so bold!"_

One more skip.

_"It's haunting, it's beautiful. And look at that! A perfect Triple Axel pass!"_

I skipped to another section again. Hearing this commentary paired with this mediocre run of my program made my blood boil. I could do better, _had_ to to better.

I could barely hear the click of my front door. A pair of brightly colored heads entered the living room. The inseparable pair looked ready for bed upon entry. The video paused and I finally tore my eyes away from the screen. 

As Hinata dove right for Suga in the recliner, Kenma padded over and wedged himself between Oikawa's legs and my side. I shut the laptop temporarily. "How was your day with Kuroo-san and Hinata?"

"They should never be allowed to hang out. Too many near-death experiences in one day." Kenma toyed with a string on Oikawa's socks and leaned against my arm. "But Shoyou didn't drive, so we made it."

"Hey, I heard that!" Hinata's head sprang up from Suga's chest. The boy looked was pretty much using Suga like his human cushion. "I'm a great driver!"

"It took you twenty minutes to parallel park when we went to that restaurant," Oikawa countered.

Kenma shifted by my side. "Kuro had to hit the brakes from the passenger seat when we were at that intersection."

Hinata whirled around in his spot, elbowing Suga's stomach hard in the process. "Am I a bad driver?" 

Suga wheezed and attempted a smile, still trying to recover from having the wind knocked out of him. "You just... need some more practice?" Letting out a groan, Hinata flopped over again. Suga shifted until he was sitting up and Hinata was curled up on his lap in a position that offered him more protection. "It's okay, Hinata," he pet his wild hair gently, "we still love you, even if you can't parallel park just yet."

"I _can!"_

"No, you can't," Oikawa and Kenma added at the same time.

"How about we watch a movie?" I quipped. I really did not have the energy for this bickering. Walking over to the TV stand I powered up the Playstation and opened the Netflix app. "You guys can pick. Oikawa, come with me to get blankets and pillows."

Oikawa whined, rolling off the couch reluctantly. "Why me? Now I won't get to suggest my alien movie!"

I waited for him by the hall until he sulked over, and we made our way to the hall closet. "We can watch it another time."

"But you said that last time!"

Both of us loaded our hands with futons, pillows and blankets. "It might be too scary for Hinata," I reminded him as I closed the closet door. He opened his mouth to counter me, then shut it to chew at his lip. 

"Yeah, you're right. Even I can't do that to him."

"Quit pretending to be a jerk." I rolled my eyes and brushed past him out of the hall.

When we returned to the living room, Suga wiggled his way free out from under Hinata to help. We pushed the coffee table couch, with Kenma still on it, back to make room for the futons. Once the space was clear we rolled them. I tossed everything else into the middle of it. I curled back up back up on the couch. Oikawa and Suga dropped into the sea of bedding and scurried beneath a shared blanket. Hinata was quick to Suga's side. 

Before inevitably being drawn to suggestion of a heat source, Kenma crawled over to my end of the couch. He studied my laptop screen, which I had reopened and placed on my lap. The glow highlighted the lines of his sharp nose and cheeks. "Why are you watching that?"

"I need to. I am performing tomorrow."

"Do you need to for you, or do you need to because your mother said that's what you're supposed to do?"

I tapped on the video of my short program next. Claps and whistling filled my ears from my headphones and I skated into view on the screen "You know why I do this already."

Kenma gazed at the screen once more, then yellow eyes locked onto my face. His expression was tranquil, calm, yet deep and observant. He blew a strand of hair out of his face and stood up from the couch. "And you know that you don't need to be worried, yet here you are." His eyes disconnected from mine a moment later. He left the couch to burrow in between Suga and Oikawa.

Motion flickered on the screen. I landed a jump. Clean rotation and a perfect open landing, according to the commentators. But according to my mother it wasn't good enough yet. A question popped into my head- _was it good enough for me?_

The step sequence began shortly after. A flash of color and movement and blinding light reflecting off my blades.

"Here I am," I whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for the kudos and comments! they all make my day


	8. Chapter 8

Saturday morning was a pretty rough one in my opinion, considering I had three psychopaths taking over my apartment. There wasn't much to do in the morning thankfully, so thankfully all I had to do was survive the commute. Then, I was free on the ice to rehearse as I pleased.

Kenma was as usual the most mellow that morning. Him and I woke up early to tidy up my now ravaged living space before we had to leave. And when I say ravaged, I mean it- Hinata had the appetite of a body builder. Grocery shopping would need to be done after tonight. 

Following Kenma and I was Suga, untangling himself from Oikawa's long arms and all but peeling an unconscious Hinata off of his back. The moment he was up, he had taken charge of my kitchen and set a determined path to a healthy breakfast. "I'm not letting a soul out of this apartment until everyone is well fed," he had declared. Kenma and I let him do as he pleased without question. Angry Suga when he was in his mom-mode was the last thing you wanted on a performance day. So while he rummaged through my cabinets and dirtied every dish I owned, Kenma and I cautiously picked up the unused bedding surrounding Hinata and Oikawa.

Oikawa was next to wake up. Typically he'd demand a shower and tea after rising, but he froze when he realized Hinata was still snoring next to him. The snoring was quite loud, also-I was willing to bet it was the reason Oikawa woke up. Suga silently beckoned him into the kitchen to help with breakfast.

"You're already nervous, and it's not even seven a.m." I sighed and snatched the remaining bedding from Kenma's hands, shoving it into the closet without much regard for organization. "You need to tone it down with the worrying. Tonight isn't even a real competition, it's just a chance for us to run our programs and get some extra feedback before the next Sectional." He nudged past me to tuck his armfuls of blankets onto the shelf. Kenma wasn't wrong at all, really. The score I'd be given tonight was just a mock, and would not put any real weight on my qualifications. But a performance was a performance. There will be a person scoring, real or not. There will be a crowd. And worst of all, that crowd just might contain the face I really didn't want to see.

I swung the closet door shut and strode to my bedroom. "So am I just not supposed to care because it's not a real competition?" Kenma's footsteps were nonexistent behind me, like a cat's, but I could feel him boring holes into me from behind. My body drooped in what felt like defeat. I shuffled across the wood floor and plugged my phone into its charger on the nightstand. "If I don't treat every run, every rep like a real performance, I'll be setting myself up for failure in the future. Someone is still calculating scores out there. How could I _not_ be getting worried already?"

Kenma toyed with the exposed corner of grey sheet under my comforter. The bed was made, but pretty lazily for my standards. He really could pick up on everything. "I'm not trying to tell you not to do your best, Keiji, and I know you know that. If you give your all and have a flawless run like you always do, then that's great. If you make a mistake, it won't matter. Nothing matters as long as you're giving it your all. But if you keep beating yourself up before you're even on the ice, then you're setting yourself up for failure. Stop looking for reasons to make yourself feel more pressured and just enjoy skating for once."

"It's not that easy," I mumbled, keeping my eyes on the pale wall in front of me.

"Is she coming tonight?" Kenma asked.

My shoulders tensed up almost immediately. "I don't know."

"That's a big reason why you're so nervous now, is it not?" I nodded silently in agreement. Kenma padded over to the other wall and stopped in front of it. His fingers extended to graze against the cold metal that made up the dozens of awards hanging from it. Then, he looked at me over his shoulder with calm, yet powerful eyes. They reminded me of a storm. "Stop psyching yourself out. You are an outstanding skater. Tonight, you shouldn't think of it as skating to impress her or anything else. Just skate because it's fun, and because you enjoy it." He pivoted on his heel to face me. "You skate for _you,_ not her, not a judge."

My phone vibrated to life. Text banners flooded the bright screen. "It's hard to say that when my entire self-worth is built upon the numbers they give me."

Kenma sighed his usual tired sigh, eyes reverting back to their tired morning-state. He yawned. "You're going to be a lot happier when you finally figure out not the reason you skate, but why you _love_ to skate," he rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms.

"Do you have a map or some kind of instruction list for that then? Or maybe a magic off-switch for nerves?"

He turned again to the door. "Sorry, but that's going to have to be a Keiji- thing."

I snorted, "a Keiji-thing?" Kenma hummed a yes before he breezed off towards the sound of Hinata whining for him. The scent of baked goods was now swirling in through the doorway, and my mouth nearly watered. I couldn't remember if I had dinner or not last night, but it was too late to dwell on that now. Behind the my cracked-open closet door, there was a subtle sparkle winking at me. Sequins reflecting the lighting and sending the rays flitting through the air. The light that hit the ground near my feet was almost the same color as the costumes. Tonight, I'd be in those costumes. My programs were ready, my body was ready, but Kenma's words rang true. Was the rest of me ready, my heart, my mind?

"Akaaaaaaashi! Hinata got the comb stuck in Kenma's hair again!" Oikawa's whine stabbed my ears from the living room.

"I'M SO SORRY KENMA! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!!"

"Akaashi, do you have any bags I can put the extra muffins in?" Suga called.

My temples throbbed, the telltale sign of today's headache rolling in. My phone buzzed again with one, two, three more new messages. I didn't bother to check who they were from and planned to check later, which was already causing guilt to gnaw at my conscious. Unfortunately there were a few children I had to take to practice first.

\---

When an athlete is struggling to perform basic tasks before a meet or performance, it tends to fly a few red flags. This morning could not be any better of an example of that. 

Warming up went okay. I fell out of a few elements when we made it to the ice. I wasn't too alarmed by this since it was only warm-up, but it caused me to start practice with quite a bitterness on the tongue. My execution of drills was pretty below average according to my own personal standards. Coach was eyeing me funny the entire time, shouting over an occasional reminder or concern. Most of the time, it was just chastisement to "Calm the hell down."

Any confidence and patience I had left for that day was thoroughly destroyed by the second half of practice. Coach taken pity on us today and lightened up the work load on us in consideration for tonight; we had mostly done some drill work to solidify some moves and program run-throughs. But oh, my runs? Probably the worst I'd ever done. 

Every spin I went into, I either screwed up a pump or just couldn't find my axis. My body felt stiff, awkward, scared even. I knew that well that could be easily seen from the outside. Every jump I went into, I fell out of or two-footed the landing. From start to finish, I hadn't landed a single element properly. I felt like a wreck inside and out. Was there anything I could blame it on? I hadn't eaten that much last night, but I wasn't up too late and I had a good breakfast. I didn't feel the suggestive pain of an injury anywhere on me. My muscles were warm and stretched, ready to go. Even my ankles were feeling great this morning. So what was wrong with me?

Well, I actually didn't need to be asking myself this. I was already aware that this off morning was a result of my awful mental state. The human body could be working at peak performance levels, but training meant nothing if one couldn't get over themselves. That much I knew. But if I had been able to dust it off all this time, why did I suddenly lose that ability?

The piano thrumming through the speakers climbed in intensity. The chords intensified, winding up slowly like a wave ready to crash. I was nearing the final jump of the routine, chest and arms stretched out to the empty stadium as I circled the rink. Sound rolled over me. As I initiated the jump entrance, I envisioned the foamy white caps of tidal waves in a blizzard. Dissonance took hold of the piano. I bent my knee, squeezed my muscles, and jumped.

The music resolved in a sudden pullback on the tempo, the piano's notes twinkling like gentle snowflakes, and the tension faded. To match the aesthetic at a high level, I over-rotated and fell to the ice with a heave thud. Heat swelled behind my eyes. Disappointment and shame pooled in my stomach. Without missing a beat I got back on my feet. I went through the last few counts of choreo feeling like an emotionless brick. Coming to a stop I tipped my head back and reached up towards the sky in my final pose. I drew in heavy breaths, chest heaving and heart pounding from being worked. My fingertips stretched upward a little more, like they were reaching for something more. Maybe it was luck for tonight, or even just a little bit of hope for me tonight.

All they could reach were the blinding white bulbs on the rink ceiling.

"I'm going to go ahead and let you guys off early this morning. Don't overdo it before tonight, alright?"

"Yes, Coach!" Four voices rang out from the side of the ice.

I didn't move from my pose, couldn't budge to finally release the tension squeezing my entire body. There was the sound of shuffling from somewhere off outside the rink. "Akaashi," coach breathed. I had no words to say back. No will to tread the roaring waters of my own shame. My chin dropped to my chest. My extended arm dropped, hand shoving into my sweat-soaked hair. As the last of my will trickled out of me, I crouched and rested my free hand on my knee. "Akaashi." This time he said it almost like a warning.

I halfheartedly spun around to face him, but I kept my head down and glided over to the wall. Coach and I stood there for a few moments in awkward silence before I finally swallowed the lump in my throat and spoke up. I couldn't think of anything else to say, so I went with, "I'm so sorry."

"How did I know that was what you were going to say to me?" he chuckled. I let my hand fall from my hair so my shoulders could join the rest of my body in its sulky, drooping glory. "You're going to be okay, Akaashi."

Now I looked up at him. I shot him a dubious look. "I'm sorry, but did you not watch that?" I croaked.

Coach took a long swig from his coffee, with similar energy as one would have taking a drag from a cigarette. "I did. And did you know that you're a human?"

I fiddled with the drawstring on my joggers. "Let me run it for you again, I'll make it better, I-"

"You won't be skating anymore this morning." Coach cut me off abruptly. "I know what you're probably thinking, Akaashi. This was not a good morning for you, but the best thing you can do right now is acknowledge it and move on with your day."

"But how am I supposed to perform well tonight when I couldn't do anything right this morning?" I argued, pressing closer to the wall. "I know I can fix this, I have to."

Coach set his coffee cup down and reached for the black binder. "Akaashi, if you can't relax, you won't be able to perform as well as you always do. This," he gestured out to me, "Is not an issue with your skill level. Not even close. This is an issue with your mindset."

I huffed an exasperated sigh. I almost felt like a child not getting his way. "Please, Coach," I begged. "It's not like that, it's _never_ been like that for me. I can do better."

"I'll say it again then," Coach fixed me with a firm look. "This is not a skills issue. You can't run from your nerves forever, Akaashi. If you don't calm down by tonight, I will have no choice but to remove you from tonight's show. Do you want that?"

I glided even closer to the wall, my hand coming to rest on the cool surface. "You can't take me out tonight," I pleaded. "I _need_ this run-"

Coach cut me off again with a wave of his hand. "Then you know what you need to do. But as your coach, it would be irresponsible of me to send you out there in this state. Now get off the ice before you overdo it. Understood?"

I sank down into myself and nodded my head. Coach bid me goodbye, called out another farewell to the other skaters, and left the rink. My fingers clenched against my pants. Anger simmered inside me, blood running hot in my veins. This was probably the stupidest thing to ever happen-did I really just get scolded by Coach for being nervous? I clicked my tongue and skated to the exit. I wasn't sure how much I could take before my patience was worn too thin. I snatched up my guards from my bag and put them over my blades. My foot had just touched carpeted ground when Hinata came bounding over, Oikawa in tow behind him.

"Akaashi, are you alright?" Hinata asked. The bubbly tone and wide smile didn't quite match the worry in his eyes. "Are you hurt? You were falling a lot this morning."

"Hinata!" Oikawa hissed, tugging him backward by the collar. My taller friend gave me an apologetic look.

But Hinata didn't really seem to take the hint. "Also, Coach looked all mad when he was talking to you! His eyebrows were doing that pinchy thing, and he was frowning." He smushed his cheeks together to reenact Coach's permanent scowl. 

My eye twitched. "Everything is fine."

"Oh, but that's what you always say when everything's not fine!" he pressed. "Were you mad that you fell a lot today? Or was Coach mad? Is something wrong-"

" _Shush!"_ Oikawa clamped his hand over Hinata's mouth, but by the looks of his face he already knew it was too late. I could feel the anger seething within me. 

I inhaled deeply, squeezed my eyes shut, rolled my shoulders. Nothing I tried relieved the tension coiling in my stomach. I felt ready to spring. But the last thing I wanted was to go off one my best friends who had nothing to do with this. I brushed past the two and dug my phone and earbuds out. Once my skates were off my feet I dried them off and replaced them with sneakers.

Oikawa was being dragged towards me a moment later. "Is something wrong, Akaashi-kun?" Hinata asked worriedly. Oikawa looked uneasy himself, glancing between Hinata and I with a cautious expression.

I offered a disgustingly fake smile. "I told you, everything is fine." I opened up my glasses and had them midway up my nose, but my hands froze when Hinata spoke next.

"Do you know if Bokuto-san is here yet?"

"When did you tell him to come here?" Oikawa questioned. 

I was wondering the same thing myself, but I was seeing red now. There was nothing else I wanted then to just vanish on the spot. The disappointment I felt in myself was drowning me at first, but was now melding with my frustration. I couldn't do anything right today. And now I was potentially ruining a performance for myself with my own ridiculous nerves. 

Oikawa released Hinata and stepped closer to me. He placed a hand on my back and rubbed gently between my shoulder blades. "Hey, you know he didn't mean any harm by that." His voice was a whisper, eyes full of concern. "But what's wrong? Don't lie to me, you know I can tell."

I shrugged off his hand and plugged the earbuds into my phone, which I strapped to my arm in its holster. When I didn't answer him, he reached out to touch my shoulder again and I moved away. The hurt expression that twisted his face shot guilt through my veins.

"Akaashi," he pleaded.

I jammed the headphones into my ears. A song started in my ears, pounding and way too loud to be safe, but I couldn't bring myself to care. The heat building behind my eyes, the telltale squeeze in my throat. It was all happening at once, making it impossible to speak. I made a swift exit out of the rink with my head down. My shoulder banged into a body on my way out the door. I yelled an apology, but my music was way too loud to make out any response.

Once on the sidewalk I set my pace at a rather brisk jog. Cars rolled along on the road next to me and the cold wind shot against my body. Every time I opened my eyes, however, I wasn't on the sidewalk that lead to the park I was aiming for. I was in the rink again, but this time I was much smaller and younger.

_"Do it again! Don't stop until it's right." Mom glared at me from her place near the wall._

_I clambered to my feet, hip throbbing from falling out of a jump. My clothes were soaked in icy slush. Tears were threatening to fall across my face. Something stung my hand- an angry red cut pouring blood down my palm. "Can I take a break?"_

_She scoffed at me. "How do you expect to make it to the Olympics if you're taking breaks?" she asked calmly._

_"I have a cut-"_

_"Are your feet still working?"_

_"Yes, Ma'am."_

_She smiled at me. There was no warmth in it. "Good. Now do it again."_

My feet pounded the sidewalk, and I had to slow down for a minute to fix my form. The small parking lot for the park up ahead came into view. It wasn't the fanciest place in the world, but it had an even, paved trail I could run my feelings out on. I reverted to jogging again.

The music in my ears was pounding so loud, I completely missed the sound of footsteps behind me. I only realized someone was following me when I sensed something at my side. My head whipped around and met wide shoulders and thick arms in a tee with the sleeves rolled up. By some miracle I managed to keep my footing when my eyes raked up his body to his face. "There you are! I was worried when I saw you stormed out of the rink, so I thought I'd follow you." My lips pressed into a thin line. I kept quiet and continued running.

"Hey, hey, is everything okay?" Bokuto asked. He was talking loud enough for me to hear over my music. I was steadily picking up the pace, but he hadn't even broken a sweat. _Damn him for being athletic._ "What's wrong, Akaash?"

I knew if I so much as opened my mouth, the waterworks would burst to life. My throat and chest grew tighter my the minute. I broke out into a fast run, leaving Bokuto behind me. He didn't need to see me cry a second time.

Bokuto, of course, caught right up with me. A crosswalk was coming into view up ahead. I sucked in a breath and pressed onward. I was one step away from hitting the street when a hand grabbed my arm. The second I was pulled to a stop, a car whistled by only inches from my face. My muscles went slack. My hands tugged the earbuds out of my ears, but I couldn't quite tell if my brain told them to or not. Bokuto spun me around to face him, eyes wide with horror. His hands flew up to my shoulders. "Are you okay?!" He twisted my body left in right, examining every inch of me. "You have to be more careful. You could have been hit by that car!"

"Th..thanks.." I breathed. My heart was hammering out of control and my lungs couldn't seem to get enough oxygen. 

I didn't think it was even possible, but Bokuto's face contorted into an even more alarmed expression. He leaned in closer."Hey, why are you crying?" 

Well, I couldn't tell you why, but that pretty much did it for me. My shoulders curled inward as a sob shook my body. I buried my face in my hands, palms meeting hot tears. I gasped for a breath, but the sounds I made were closer to whimpers. 

Hands took hold of my wrists and pulled my hands away from my face, but I didn't look up from the ground. But Bokuto must not have liked that. His fingers slipped under my chin and he tipped my head up to look at him. Through my tears, those eyes were burning clear. Bokuto grabbed the hem of his shirt with his free hand. The fabric was pressed softly to my cheeks, wiping away the moisture. My heart would normally be performing acrobatics in my chest at the close proximity and the exposed skin, but my head was too clouded to react. I took in shaky breaths as Bokuto finished wiping my face.

"Do you want to talk?" 

All I could do was shake my head.

Bokuto took his hand off my chin and tucked my hair behind my ear. I wished to feel it again, but he pulled his arm away. I let my head droop. "You don't have to talk if you don't want to." I folded into myself a little bit more.

In a gentler tone, Bokuto asked, "Want me to take you to my car? It's okay if you don't want to, we don't actually have to, like, go anywhere or anything, but I figured it would feel better if you were somewhere a bit less...public?"

Even when Bokuto was calm and worried, he still spoke in those eager run-on sentences. It was adorable. I looked up at him slowly and was met with a warm smile. My throat was too tense to speak, so I just nodded.

Bokuto pressed a hand to my back, and I let him lead me down the crosswalk and to the small parking lot up ahead. The chilly air nipped at the heated skin on my face as we walked side by side. We passed a playground littered with kids, a few vending machines, and a small flower garden before we reached the truck. I was about to open the passenger side door before he stopped me.

"Hang on one sec." Bokuto sprinted around the car and climbed into his seat. He toyed with some buttons on the control panel, leaned across the passenger seat and messed with something there, then hopped out to join me in front of my door. He slipped in front of me and opened my door. After registering that he'd just opened it for me, I eased myself into the seat with robotic movement. My back met warmth when I sat down on the bench.

If there were luxury trucks, this was definitely one of them. The interior was all sleek and black- smooth leather seats, a fancy looking radio, and two rows with a surprising amount of leg room. The air smelled like a new car. At my side the door was flung shut, the seals closing silently. A moment later Bokuto climbed into his own seat. I curled up as close to the door as possible, head finding my awaiting hand. 

"Wanna get a coffee?" 

I lifted my head to protest, but Bokuto was already starting the car. "I left my wallet," I choked out.

He waved me off and pulled out of the space. "Don't worry about it." With my strength being gone, I couldn't protest.

We drove in silence. Bokuto had turned on the radio at some point, but kept the volume very low. Every so often, I felt him shoot a glance my way. I didn't meet it. I kicked my sneakers off and pulled my knees to my chest. We pulled into a parking lot a few minutes later. With one last worried look, Bokuto left the car running and jogged up to whatever building we had stopped at. Looking for a distraction, I wriggled my phone out of the arm band. There were dozens of missed texts and calls, one being replaced by another each second. I pressed the Do Not Disturb button and threw it onto the bench.

The driver's side door flung open and in came Bokuto. He dropped two drinks in the cupholder before pulling out and getting on the road. "I got one hot and one iced. I didn't know what you wanted since it's pretty cold out today. You can have either one you like." Wordlessly I picked up the iced one and returned to my human ball state. Bokuto hummed along to the radio as he drove.

"I'm sorry," I said shakily. 

Bokuto cocked his head. "But why? You didn't do anything wrong."

I let my legs go and my feet dropped to the floor. "But now I'm inconveniencing you."

We turned a corner onto a road that went uphill, and I officially had no idea where we were. "You could never do that," he grinned. His attention turned back to the road. The slightest bit of panic surfaced from the emotional haze that covered my brain. _Just where was he taking me?_

The truck slowed down as Bokuto pulled us into a large, open area on the side of the road. He parked, but kept the car on. Most likely to keep us warm. "Why'd you take me here?" 

He pivoted in his seat to face me, and I hated the worry that marred his perfect complexion. "Well, this is where I like to come when I need to think. Or calm down. Or both. I thought maybe it'd help you too." He pointed a finger to the windshield. "Look!"

My eyes followed on command. The view was slightly blocked by the dashboard, but that didn't make it any less beautiful. Stretched before us was the massive Tokyo landscape. Tall buildings and bridges all bathed in the mid-morning sun. It was beautiful. But despite this picture-perfect view, I found myself only wanting to look at the man sitting beside me. "It's beautiful."

Bokuto met my gaze and smiled. "Yeah, it is beautiful," he said, eyes not wavering from mine.

I broke eye contact not long after. Being here was relaxing, but it didn't entirely eradicate the gloom that had settled over me. Bokuto scooted closer across the bench. "Hey, Akaash?"

"Yes, Bokuto-san?"

"I know this might not be my place to ask, and it's totally fine if you don't want to tell me. But are you worried about your performance tonight?"

My eyes peeled open. "How... did you know about that?" 

"Hinata told me! Tetsu, too, since Kenma will be skating."

Of course they told him I was performing too. "Yeah, I guess it's about that."

Bokuto produced a brown paper bag and placed it on my lap. I grabbed it, but hesitated. "You can eat in here, it's alright," he reassured me. I pulled it open and was met with a plethora of baked goods. It was a good thing I could never get tired of sweets. I unwrapped a cookie and nibbled at it. "Why are you nervous?"

I took another tiny bite of my cookie. "I'm worried that I won't do well enough," I admitted. The words rolled off my sadly easily.

"But... but you skate so well! What's making you think you're not good enough?" When I met Bokuto's eyes, he looked as if I'd told him the most absurd thing in the world.

Tears pricked at the backs of my eyes and I blinked them back as best I could. This was not the right time for me to be crying, but I couldn't help it that I was still feeling sensitive. I wrapped the cookie in its tissue wrapping and set it on my leg. "I was doing terribly this morning. I couldn't do anything right." My voice cracked on the last word. I cursed myself. "I'm always scared that I'm not good enough, but for some reason I just couldn't ignore it today. I wasn't able to stay after practice to try and fix my mistakes either. I feel like a total failure already, and tonight isn't even a real competition." I could feel moisture on my cheeks again and I hunched over, staring at my hands. "I'm terrified my mother might be there tonight," _why am I telling him this,_ "I'm terrified I'll do poorly and disappoint her, along with my coaches and everyone else in my life."

"Does your mother always make you feel like that when she comes to your performances?" 

"...yes."

"So if that's what she does all the time, no matter how good or bad you do, why are you letting it get you down?"

I lifted my head and stared at him with wide eyes. "Excuse me?"

Bokuto placed a hand on top of my head. He ruffled my hair a little bit. "I know I've already told you this, but I think you're an amazing skater! But if your mom is choosing not to see that, then that's not your fault. Just because you had one bad practice doesn't mean you are a failure. It's really hard to deal with your nerves sometimes. I know that since I get nervous before my games, too! But in the end, it's always okay because my teammates are my friends. It doesn't matter what someone else's opinion of you is when you've got a friend's support on your side."

"Skating is an individual sport," I sighed. "I'm pretty much on my own."

"Well, when you're actually skating, yes. But that doesn't actually mean you're _alone."_ When I raised an eyebrow at him, he continued. "To me, it sounds like your mom is pressuring you more than supporting you. But so what? You have amazing friends who will always be there to cheer you on. They support you. And Hinata-kun really looks up to you, you know! You should be skating for them instead of something that makes you upset." His hand ruffled my hair again before he squeezed my shoulder. "From what I've heard, you've worked really hard. From what I've witnessed, you're incredible. You're so held up on treating tonight like a grade, but what about just doing it because you love skating? Because it's fun?"

I bet I had heard some form of that a few other times in my life already. But for some odd reason, it only clicked in me now. I do skate because I love it. However with my mother's inescapable criticism looming at the kiss-and-cry every time, all I felt when I skated was fear and crippling self-doubt. This was all so confusing. Do this, not that. Don't feel this, feel that. I tried to breathe out some of the tension, but instead I sobbed again.

"Please don't cry Akaash!" Bokuto snaked an arm around my shoulders, quickly tugging me across the bench until I was pressed against his side. As I tried to swallow back the next round of sobs, he used his free arm to turn my torso and pull me into his chest. At that point I was no longer capable of holding anything back. For the second time that day I cried in front of Bokuto, the man who I was so worried about embarrassing myself in front of. He was so warm. The smell of sweetness and fresh laundry flooded my nose. While I wept into his shirt, his arms tightened around me. I could just barely make out Bokuto's voice as he coaxed me to let it all out.

I have no idea how long we stayed like this. The sobs died down to pathetic hiccups and whimpers and my tears had run dry. Bokuto leaned back, arms still secure around me. "Feeling better?" he asked gently. I croaked out a "yes" and scrubbed at my cheeks with my sleeves. A moment later realization stretched his expression. He pulled away from me to get something out of a compartment in the door- a pair of black glasses. _My_ glasses. He gently grabbed my chin and tipped my head back, sliding the frames onto my face. "You dropped these earlier."

I reached up and touched my fingers against the plastic. I expected the lenses to be filthy, but they were crystal clear. Had he cleaned them? Bokuto let out a playful laugh and I felt heat flood my cheeks. "Why are you laughing?"

He covered his mouth with one hand, eyes crinkling. When he removed his hand his mouth was curled into that lopsided grin that made my heart flutter. "You just look so surprised," he chuckled. Even his eyes were grinning at me. "But I'm just glad you look happier now. You have a really pretty smile."

"I do not," I argued quietly. Keeping my voice from squeaking was proving to be a difficult task. 

"But you really do, Akaash!" Bokuto pressed.

The next moment was when I finally realized just what situation I was in. I was _in Bokuto's car,_ and he was just _hugging me._ Now, he was telling me I had a _pretty smile?! Somebody pinch me._ "Y-you do, too," I stuttered out. Somehow, his grin grew wider at my words. He slid across the bench and settled behind the wheel, pure happiness radiating off of him.

"Akaash thinks I have a pretty smile..." he mumbled happily to himself. I couldn't help but crack a smile.

Things may not be resolved, my fears were still brewing in my stomach, but I knew that couldn't be fixed in just an hour. What mattered then was that I actually felt relieved. The stress in my muscles melted out so easily, all thanks to Bokuto looking out for me. While he was focused on the road, I got the opportunity to admire his side profile. His shoulders were relaxed now, lips remaining in a goofy grin. Shadows flew across his face. They took turns highlighting the strong lines and angles of his face. I couldn't help but think it wasn't just his smile that was attractive. 

"Hey, Akaash?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you ever get my texts this morning? I sent a few since I was really excited to talk to you!" He laughed.

"I'm sorry, Bokuto-san. I was so preoccupied this morning I barely looked at my phone. What did you want to tell me?"

He squeezed the steering wheel, clearly getting a little nervous. "Well..."

"Bokuto-san, I just cried like a baby in your arms. You don't have to worry."

He took a deep breath. "Do you think that maybe... I could come to your performance tonight? I really want to cheer you on." My eyes widened, and he caught my gaze, he jumped in panic. "But it's okay if you don't feel comfortable! I wouldn't want to-"

"I think I'd really like that." 

When his hands visibly relaxed, I think I did a little bit too. "I hope you're as excited as I am! Now strap in. Let's get you back to the rink."

We once again drove in silence. But this time, it was not so much uncomfortable or uneasy. It was content.

\---

"Akaashi-san," could you tighten the lace on my dress for me?" 

I turned to look over my shoulder. Kiyoko shrugged off her jacket, revealing the top half of her lilac-colored dress. A trail of sophisticated white jewels sparkled in a trail from around her waist and over her right shoulder. "Of course." It was nearing six p.m, we would all be performing within the next couple hours.

She turned her back to me and held her long, dark hair up out of the way. Carefully, I freed the two pieces of lace and tugged them taught. "Is this one new?" I asked curiously.

"Mhm," Kiyoko responded. "I think it's my favorite now."

I laughed softly and secured the pieces when they were tight. "Well, it looks really nice on you. I can't wait to see you skate."

Kiyoko smiled back at me and replaced her jacket. "I could say the same for you too, Akaashi-san." She gestured to the far corner of the room, where my bags were placed and my costumes for tonight were hung. "Your costume for your free program looks amazing on you."

I rolled my eyes playfully and began rummaging through my bag. "Thank you. Now, am I doing the same style we did last time?" I earned a nod in response from Kiyoko, and settled behind her when she sat gracefully on the ground. I drew the comb through the dark locks. "So, is Tanaka-san coming tonight?" Kiyoko's boyfriend was a force to be reckoned with from what I'd heard. One of the most chaotic and intense guys on the hockey team. He was the complete opposite of docile Kiyoko Shimizu, but it was easy to see she loved that about him. 

"Yes, he's already here. He came with me."

"Oh. What's he doing now, guarding the stairwell or something?" I joked.

"Yes."

Before I could react, the door flew open, and in came Oikawa and Kenma. Oikawa strutted across the room, a proud grin on his lips. "Kiyoko-san! Are you ready for makeup, gorgeous?" 

Kenma poked his head out from behind Oikawa. "Hi, Shimizu."

"Not so fast, Oikawa," I interjected. "Let me finish her hair, and she's all yours."

He pouted at me, then fished his phone out from the waistband of his leggings. They were women's leggings, high-waisted and sleek black, but he made them work. "Fine, fine. I'll hunt down Suga first, since I need to do his anyway." The phone pinged after he shot off a text, and Oikawa shot me a serious look. "Do you think we can talk later?"

I allowed my eyes to soundlessly plead with him. When he didn't look convinced, I added, "I'll tell you everything after we perform, I promise." Brown eyes narrowed at me. 

"I'll be holding you to that." Oikawa pivoted on his heel and blew a kiss over his shoulder. "Call me when you're ready, Kiyoko!"

Kiyoko waved at him as he left to track down Suga, and I returned my attention to her hair. I brushed at back into a thick, high ponytail and secured it with a hair tie. I carefully pulled her bangs free, and they floated down onto her forehead. "Are you okay, Akaashi-san?" Kiyoko asked. The hair on her head was misted with a generous amount of hairspray.

I moved on to the ponytail. I divided the ponytail into three sections. I took the first section and divided that into three as well, braiding it down quickly and tying it with a clear elastic. "Yeah, everything's okay. I just didn't have a very great rehearsal today." I braided the second and third section with the same speed as the first.

"I think you'll be alright," she said calmly. Her arm reached behind her and she patted my leg. "You always worry too much."

I pinched my brows together in concentration as I wrapped the three braids around each other, creating the perfect bun with them. Each one was secured with a bobby pin that blended into her hair. "Thank you, Kiyoko-san. Now hold your breath." Kiyoko inhaled as I told her, and I hairsprayed her entire head. To finish off the look I pinned the matching rose into the bun. 

Kiyoko got to her feet and was immediately replaced by Kenma. "Thanks for the help. I have to go make sure Ryuu doesn't do anything stupid."

"Good luck with that," I laughed back. After the door clicked shut behind her Kenma zeroed in on me. 

"Is everything okay?" I asked as I gently forced him to turn back around. I went to work brushing out the knots. Kenma's hair was a little thinner than Kiyoko's but still just as soft. 

"I was going to ask you the same thing." The door once again flew open as Suga, Oikawa, and Hinata filed in. While the two older men settled together at the picnic table, Hinata lingered behind, absolutely engrossed in his phone. His fingers fired off text after text. I looked at Suga dubiously, who mouthed "Kageyama" at me. Kenma pawed at my sleeve, waiting for an answer.

"I psyched myself out pretty bad," I admitted. "I'm alright now, though."

"Did Koutatou find you?" Nothing ever got past this friend of mine. A blessing and a curse if you asked me,

"Possibly."

"So he did, then? What did you guys do?"

I picked up a piece of hair on the left of his part and started to braid it. Once I reached the bottom, I held the end out to Kenma. He pinched the end between his fingers as I mirrored the brain on the right. "He took me to get coffee and some food, and we talked. That's it."

"And that's a lie." I handed him the other brain and gathered the rest of his hair into my hands.

"I'm only telling you because you don't have a big mouth," I sighed. "Bokuto took me somewhere. I don't really know where it was, but I could see the whole city from where we were. I guess I opened up to him, and I..."

"You..?"

"I may or may not have cried into his chest while he held me?"

I could practically see Kenma's opening just a little wider, which they usually did when he was surprised. "Koutarou was really worried about you. I'm glad he was there to comfort you, but you shouldn't have just stormed off like that. Traffic was really busy."

_Don't I know it,_ I thought to myself. "I know, and I'm sorry," I muttered. A smile crept onto my lips and my cheeks warmed. "I can't believe he was worried about me. Bokuto is so... warm, and comforting."

Kenma shrugged. "Well of course he was worried, he really likes you."

I took the small braids from his fingers and secured them into the high ponytail. I spritzed the blonde locks with hairspray. He leaned back until his back was against my chest. 

"Your heart's beating really fast, Keiji."

I shoved him off, but not hard enough to hurt him. "Kenma, I'm really going to need you to stop talking now."

"Okay, but you're not denying it," he replied flatly. 

"Oh, what's this?" Oikawa sang.

"They're definitely talking about Bokuto. Akaashi is lovestruck," Suga mused. The two sidled over to Kenma and I, plopping down next to us with eager smiles. "Now you need to tell us everything."

My head fell into my hand. "Can we please do this _after_ we perform? I don't need to be thinking about gorgeous hockey-players while I'm getting scored."

_Wait, did those words really just come out of my mouth?_

"Oh my god, he admitted it!" Oikawa leapt to his feet. The grin on his face made me uneasy. After he regained his composure, he sat himself back down at my side. Both his hands wrapped around my arm. "Oh, this is so riveting. When's the first date?"

I shook my arm free. "There _is_ no first date planned," I glared at him.

Oikawa only giggled, flicking his perfectly styled bangs to the side. "Not _yet."_

"Okay, okay, no meddling about Akaashi's crush until after we skate, Oikawa," Suga chided. He sent me a wink, "I'll get it out of you later."

"That probably doesn't make him want to tell you at all," Kenma added.

Suga patted Kenma's cheek, who leaned lazily into the touch and leaned his forehead onto Suga's shoulder. "If I was able to get it out of you, I can get it out of Akaashi, too."

"You didn't get it out of me, you hunted down Kuro and interrogated him at his place of work."

"I was only trying to protect my baby!" Suga argued. He threw his arms around Kenma and squeezed him tight. "I couldn't have you going out with some creep."

"Kuro isn't a creep. He can't help it that he has terrible hair. But if you're so worried about us, when are you going to go hunt down Shoyou's boyfriend?"

Suga shot a determined glare in Hinata's direction, who was bouncing in his seat, still glued to his phone. "Oh, I will," Suga concluded.

A pair of long, thin arms roped around my waist from behind and I leaned contently into Oikawa's chest. "Suga, are you aware that you are a phenomenal team-mom?" He flicked my nose. "And are you aware that you've been furiously blushing this entire time?"

"That's my job!" Suga chirped.

"Keep pointing it out and I might accidentally get something stuck in your hair."

"You wouldn't." I offered him a look that said, "do you wanna bet?" and his mouth clicked shut. "So cold," he glowered at me. "After everything I do for you."

"YESSSSS!!!"

All four of our heads craned to look at Hinata, who had sprung out of his seat and into the air. He skipped over to us, phone in hand, with a victorious glow surrounding him. He dove into Kenma's lap, and the blonde had to duck in order to avoid an elbow to the throat. "What happened, Shoyou?"

Hinata smiled brilliantly, his big brown eyes sparkling. "Kageyama said he might be able to come see me tonight!"

"Was volleyball practice cancelled?" Kenma inquired.

"Not exactly." Hinata was vibrating with excitement, looking on the verge of exploding like a firecracker. "But he said they might get let out early!"

"Well if he does, tell him to stay until the end. I need to meet him," Suga declared, crossing his arms over his chest. 

"I second that," Oikawa piped up. "Kenma?"

"Sure."

Oikawa turned his gaze onto me. I paused for a minute, my mind wandering back to the other week when I'd made my... discovery, in Hinata's bedroom. "If he wants to, then I'd like to meet him," I said. 

Suga clapped his hands loudly, like he was locking in our decision. "Then it's settled. If things work out, Daichi and Iwaizumi-san will be coming, too!"

Oikawa's eyes went wide, brown gleaming with excitement. "Really?!" He gasped. "Today just keeps getting better and better!"

Hinata whooped stomping his feet eagerly on the ground. He turned his head and peered at me. "Akaashi-kun, did you talk to Bokuto today? He told me he texted you earlier!"

I inhaled deeply. I might as well tell them now, right. It created less of a chance for someone to cause a scene later on. "I did," I answered him. "He's actually coming tonight, too."

All motion in our little circled froze. Oikawa and Suga's enthusiastic chirps went silent. Kenma was already rather calm, but his limited movements paused. Even Hinata's restless legs stopped midair. "What?" I pinched my eyebrows together and looked at them questioningly. 

Suga opened his mouth, but he was cut off by the sound of the door opening. The off-ice room was upstairs in a private area, so the only people who could get in here were the skaters that used this rink. A small-framed girl with a head of blonde hair in a neat bun stumbled into the room. She had sweatpants on, but the top half of her white dress was visible from her open jacket. Her face was flushed red from being out on the ice, and her breath was coming out in heavy puffs. 

Kiyoko emerged from behind her with matching flushed cheeks and her usual cool composure. She put a comforting hand on the smaller girl's shoulder and instructed her to take a few deep breaths. "It's okay, Yachi." When she managed to catch her breath, Kiyoko returned her attention to the five of us on the floor. "We just came to let you guys know the girls are starting. You have an hour until free ice, so now would be a good time to get into costume."

"The judges stayed after the real competitions ended at five, right? They're still doing mock scores for us?"

"Yes," Kiyoko hummed. She gestured to Kenma and Hinata. "Juniors are up first, but there will only be a ten-minute intermission." Steering the younger girl, Yachi, to the door, she waved at us over her shoulder. "Let us know if you'd like someone to film for you before you go on. Good luck!"

I was the first to stand. I made my way over to my bags. Opening my suitcase, I loosened the drawstring and removed my skates. The black leather was free of scuffs, polished flawlessly. Oikawa was at my side a second later, unpacking countless cosmetic items from his own bags. 

He offered me his hand. "Ready?"

I grasped it, squeezing it tight. Suga followed not far behind, replacing my skates with his own hand. Kenma put a hand on my forearm and Hinata's head popped up on his shoulder, jumping in anticipation. I recalled the words of a certain man from earlier. I could practically feel the burn of his gaze on my skin, see his grin and hear his laugh:

_"You're not alone."_

I pulled them closer, attempting to mentally prepare myself with the group-hug.

"Ready as I'll ever be."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FIRST DATE MAY OR MAY NOT BE NEXT CHAPTER HAHAHAHAHAH I SAID IT WAS SLOW BURN IM SORRY


	9. (reposted due to error)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey all, so sorry for the weirdness happening with this chapter. i think i ended up accidentally posting it in the middle of writing it? anyways, hope you guys are doing well. please drop comments or kudos of you'd like, they really make my day. shits rough rn but we're all gonna get through it
> 
> also disclaimer- when i reposted this all the italics went bye-bye, so if anything feels weird while you read, that could be why:)

Figure skating could easily be described as one of the most terrifying sports out there. Just think about it for a minute. A singular person, out in the open. When one is center-ice, they are the sole focus of every pair of eyes in the stadium. Each movement is tracked, judged, calculated and scored. The performer is dancing on their own.

But this is what makes figure skating such a rush. Waiting just at the edge of the ice, heart pounding. Other skaters wait nearby, bouncing with their own nerves and excitement. It was exhilarating.

These few seconds of adrenaline were the few moments I had to look forward to. After that, I became a shell.

"You excited, Akaashi?!"

The cheery voice pulled me out of my swirl of thoughts. Standing next to me, bouncing from foot to foot with only socks on his feet, was Hinata. His hair was still suavely slicked back from his performance. He was clad in black slacks and a white button-up dress shirt. His black vest and matching necktie were still holding together, only looking slightly jostled. Those childish eyes were still brimming with energy. Not wanting to dampen his mood, I offered a smile and slid an arm around his shoulders. "After watching you, how could anyone not be excited?"

The shorter man's face was split with a grin so large his eyes were forced shut. Hinata's arms strangled my neck as he pulled me down into a suffocating hug. "You really mean that?! I mean I'm super pumped to see you skate too, but you mean it?"

I untangled his arms from around me to look at my younger friend properly. This was my favorite version of the little man- hyped, proud of himself, and ready to cheer us all on. "Of course I do," I ruffled his hair without messing it up too much.

Cheers erupted from the crowd around us, replacing us back in our current reality. Kenma came into view a moment later, approaching the wall while waving nonchalantly to the crowd with an arm full of flowers. He looked beautiful in his costume this season- a silky black long-sleeved body suit with a sparkling red pattern weaving up his torso. It made him look like his waist was roped in flames. Elegant, but perfectly subtle, just like him. I handed him his guards when he stopped at the wall. Hinata jumped right in full-blast, showering his fellow Junior skater with questions and I added in my own praise when he had to stop and catch his breath.

Kenma put a hand on my arm, "Do you need anything?" 

I shook my head politely. "I'm all good. How are you feeling about that run? I seriously think it was one of your best yet."

He eyed me suspiciously. I could feel him seeing right through my attempts to steer away from a certain topic. The blonde carefully tucked the flowers under his arm, the plastic crinkling suddenly becoming deafeningly loud. "Is she here?" he asked. 

Gingerly I scanned the sea of faces I could make out from our position. With a sigh of relief, I ran a shaky hand through my hair. "I don't know. No calls or texts, but that's nothing new. I haven't seen her yet."

Kenma nodded, eyes full of understanding. The last thing I wanted was for any of my friends to feel my mother's wrath first hand anyway so it was a positive she hadn't shown her face yet. Hinata piped up, "Natsu's here today! So is Oikawa's mom!"

My heart melted a little bit at the thought of some of my favorite people in the world. "I can't wait to see them, then," I smiled. If things played out as usual, I could foresee the women joining us for dinner. A second later my attention was caught by the sound of a tiny sneeze. I truned to Kenma, "You getting cold?" This earned me another little nod from the blonde. I was about to usher him off the ice when a swooning Kuroo came barreling toward us.

"KENMAAAAA!!" he wailed, screeching to a halt next to his boyfriend. He flung a jacket over the younger male before doing the same with his own body. Kuroo littered the sides of Kenma's face with kisses. "You were amazing!" Kenma kept his eyes focused on anything but Kuroo, yet his hand was still lightly scratching at his sobbing boyfriend's hair. A little smile tugged at the corner of his lips."Hinata! I got to see you too! You've got quite a jump, Shrimp." Hinata squealed in delight at the sight and Kuroo freed one arm to hook it around the younger male. 

_"Please welcome our next Men's Singles Senior skater, Sugawara Koushi, to the ice."_

The cheery announcer caught our attention, and sure enough Suga was entering the ice. To say the least, he almost looked unreal. His hair was loose and flowing, silver strands framing that playful expression. His one-sleeved full-body suit was all black sequins, the one sleeve running down and hooking onto his middle finger. His collarbone was just barely visible from the uncovered side. But my favorite part of his costume this year was the artwork on that skin. His bare arm was littered with intricately drawn-on black feathers, bending and twisting as if they were being carried by the wind. I would have to compliment Oikawa on his handiwork after he skated tonight.

_Wait a minute_.

I whirled around to look at my friends. "Hey, has anyone seen Oikawa?" The two shorter men exchanged a look before shaking their heads. Suga's program would finish in a matter of minutes, and Oikawa was next. So where the hell was he? I took a deep breath in and turned my attention to the ice. Watching Sugawara skate never failed to soothe my nerves. And this year, his program was the embodiment of calm. He was graceful as a bird, light and flowing like the wind as he moved across the ice. I inhaled with anticipation as he took off from the ice. A second later my cheer mingled with hundreds of others when his foot his the ice in a perfect landing.

"Oh, thank God I didn't miss Suga!" 

Oikawa brushed up next to me and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I glowered at him, "Where were you?" I leaned in closer to whisper-hiss at him, "If Hinata finds out you missed him, he'll be heartbroken!"

"Well, you'll be happy to know I didn't. I watched everyone from the monitors in warm-up. Do you really think I'd ever miss that?" He patted my shoulder reassuringly. 

I considered this information for a minute. "No, I don't. But hopefully you weren't too distracted with your hair while you were watching." I reached up to flick hie perfectly styled bangs. 

He stuck his tongue out at me, then put a hand on my back. I hadn't realized how much tension had taken root in my muscles until his hand was rubbing gentle circles into me. "You're going to blow everyone away tonight, Akaashi. And we're all here to support you." While he filled my ears with reassuring words I got a good look at Oikawa's costume. I'd already seen it at the last few comps we'd already been to. But in all honesty, it was really beautiful. The top half was all pristine white lace and rhinestones, the material hugging his body and complimenting his shape. White pleated fabric draped over one shoulder. At the waist, the white faded into a new color, and his legs were in light teal. However the teal didn't do too much too hide the slight bulge on his left leg.

Worry pooled in my chest. "Oikawa, you're skating with your brace on?"

Panic flickered over Oikawa's face, but he was waving me off a second later. "Oh, it's nothing." he lied. "Just a precaution. It't not like it's hurting or anything."

"If it's really nothing then take it off," I glared at him. For a moment he faltered under my gaze. His smile became nervous, teeth showing just a little too much and eyebrows not really sure where to place themselves.

Though there wasn't much time to continue backing him into a corner for me, because Suga was coming off the ice now. Oikawa turned away from me, presenting our friend with his guards so he could stop off. The announcer's voice was already calling out Oikawa's name. 

Suga may be a few inches shorter than Oikawa, but that didn't stop him from pulling the taller man into a bone-crushing hug. When he pulled away, he cupped Oikawa's cheeks and fixed him with a serious stare, but there was no hiding the smile. "You ready?"

Oikawa smirked back, already pushing his guards into Suga's chest. He took them immediately. He pulled away from Suga and sauntered onto the ice. He glanced over his shoulder and blew a kiss to our small group. "Prepare to be amazed," he declared. Everyone around me was infatuated with him, cheering as he skated off. Maybe I was the only one who caught his grimace when his left foot stroked the ice.

The music started up, loud and exciting as his program started. Kenma stepped over to me with a swooning Kuroo on one arm. Hinata had already bolted to the wall to watch Oikawa. Suga was behind him, doing his best to keep the younger boy's focus on Oikawa's mesmerizing step-sequence. The look he threw me let me know he must have seen it too.

"He's lying to us," I proposed, shrugging off my jacket. Kenma took it from my hands and folded it up. 

"Thank you for stating the obvious."

I ran my hands down my chest and stomach, hoping to smooth out any wrinkles in my costume. This year, the wardrobe that was picked for my free was one of my favorites. The bottom half was simple black, like most. The upper half was where the real magic was. 

It felt rather stupid to say, but the costume almost made me feel like some kind of icy prince. The long, white sleeves had large vein-like stripes racing down them, bordered in silver sequins and gray netting partially showing my skin. It was a low-ish v-necked top, one side bordered in silver while the other with gold. The gold side ran diagonally down my chest and across. A gray and white wing-like shape wrapped around me like smoke with more sequins adorning it with more details. The side bordered in silver was much smaller with a gray vein like the ones on my sleeves running down my shoulder. Four thick stripes of rhinestones wrapped around only the left side of my ribs. The fact that it hugged my shape and showed skin made me wildly self-conscious, but in the end I never had any say in wardrobe anyway.

"It looks really good on you, you know," Kenma commented, sensing my anxiety. His tiny palm draped itself over my shaky hand. I knew what was coming next. "She's not here. You are well prepared. We can grill Oikawa after tonight is done. But for now, the only thing you need to worry about is yourself." He held his hands out expectantly. I sighed, bending over to remove my guards. I placed them in his hands. My eyes must have looked begging, pleading to be anywhere else in the world right now but here. My moment of adrenaline was over. Now all that was left was the crushing self-doubt and fear. From behind Kenma, Kuroo eyed me. He looked like he wanted to say something, but was holding back.

"I'm scared, Kenma."

"I know, Keiji. You'll be okay."

We stood together like this for a few moments, Kenma wordlessly easing my anxiety. There was the scraping sound of ice against metal behind me but it was muffled, as if I was hearing it from underwater. Oikawa was done. Now, it was my turn. Hands were reaching out to me. Squeezing my own, clapping my shoulders, rubbing my back. Voices were calling out. Maybe they were saying my name. I couldn't tell.

I didn't remember walking to the ice, but my skate his the surface and i partially broke out of my trance. Just enough to be aware of the job I had to do and nothing more. I took a huge stroke, sending my body racing out onto the ice. Taking in a stinging, cold breath, I opened my arms to the crowd and lifted my head to display a smile. It felt plastic. I greeted the cheering audience as I took a few laps around the ice.

"Please welcome our final skater of the night, Tokyo's very own Olympian Akaashi Keiji!"

My ears had officially gone deaf by the time I took my starting pose. I heard nothing. There was a pulse in my ears, low and intense and fuzzy like gushing water. Or maybe it was my blood. My muscles were warm and burning with anticipation, but my soul felt cold. The music began, but I could barely make it out. Luckily the counts were ingrained in me with deadly precision.

I felt myself crumble inside as I fought to captivate the crowd with the part of me they could see.

\---

I blinked and it was over. I kind of liked it that way. The time to hyper-criticize myself was later, when I was at home and not required to socially interact with others.

An army of cheering spectators was the only memory I had from about thirty minutes ago. The rest was a haze, and I preferred to keep it that way. Now, here I stood with my friends in a neat line at center-ice, waving to the crowds of people. Cameras shuttered and blinded me with flash. I was able to pull my attention from the commotion for only a second, and I caught Coach at the side of the ice. He was smiling proudly. My heart wanted to well up with joy, but the doubt in the pits of my stomach was faster. Biting back my guilt I lifted my chin to the audience and plastered on my most convincing grin.

There were no podiums this time around, since we were more or less a showcase at this event. The real competition was a Regional for younger skaters. Ours was just a few weeks ago. 

There were quite a few people on the ice, but I was only friends with a select few. I knew some of their names. However that didn't make me want to risk letting new people into my life. All of the featured skaters like myself were lined up on the ice to thank the crowd once more.

A boy with fluffy-looking light brown hair nudged his way up to my side. He smiled sweetly at me, and I did my best to return it. I wanted nothing more than to just run away, to go home and lose myself in my own personal judgement. New people made me way too uncomfortable. "Nice job tonight, Akaashi-san!" he waved at me. "That score was out of this world."

"Thank you, Yahaba-san," I said, with just enough effort to not be impolite. Now please leave me alone before I panic in front of an audience.

Of course, he didn't stop, but there didn't seem to be any malice behind his actions. "Your Quad Toe combination is impeccable. Do you think you'd be able to teach me how to land it right someday?" 

Taken aback by his words, I paused. He gave me a confused look. Before he could question me I spat out an answer. "I'm not a good teacher. But maybe one day." Oikawa twitched at my side. Being the great friend he was, he must have sensed my nerves picking up. He threw an arm around me and tugged me back slightly. 

"Oh, would you look at that! We're clear to go home now!" he cheered. His eyes turned to Yahaba. "It was nice to see you, Yahaba-san. Akaashi and I would love to stay and chat, but we have some friends we need to greet." He offered a charming smile. From my hiding place behind him I breathed out a sigh of relief. If social interactions with new people didn't stop shaking me up soon, things would only get worse for me. We fell in with the rest of the skaters trickling off of the ice. I looked up when we neared the exit, willing myself to perk up a little. But my heart stalled in my chest when I saw Bokuto hanging out near the wall.

Bokuto hadn't seen me yet, still engaged in conversation with Konoha. He was in his usual work uniform for the rink, a clipboard in one hand and my bag in the other. My eyes followed it as it was transferred from his hand to Bokuto's. The jacket I had yet to return to him was also conveniently draped on top of it. Kuroo popped up next to them a moment later. He shot me a punch-worthy smirk before practically lifting Kenma over the wall, since it was obviously too unbearable for him to wait for him to step off the ice. 

_I'm going to kill them._

I shook off my murderous rage and trailed after Oikawa, who's guards were handed to him by Iwaizumi Hajime. With a grin he clapped Oikawa hard on the back, causing my best friend to yelp in surprise. He pouted dramatically at the other man, but it only made Iwaizumi laugh. "Mean, Iwa-chan!" Oikawa cried.

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes. "Oh quit it," he bit back. His eyes softened. "You were awesome out there."

I scolded myself inwardly for not having my phone ready, because Oikawa's flustered face was priceless. 

Another voice, gentler and softer, caught my attention a few feet away. Sugawara's mischievous smile was enough to make my palms sweat. And for Daichi, it seemed to be the same case. The bulky man's eyes were shot wide open, cheeks pink and hand sheepishly pushed into his hair. I prayed silently that Suga would behave himself and not fluster the poor man to death. I sighed and glanced over my shoulder back to Bokuto. Konoha was no longer in sight. In his place stood Hinata, who was vibrating uncontrollably in excitement. He was clinging to the arm of the man that I quickly recognized as the mysterious Kageyama Tobio. I was about to quietly slip away when something hit my legs with a sharp blow. My body flailed forward and I crashed into something hard and big. Or someone. My nose brushed against fabric.

It smelled calmingly sweet.

"Woah! What's wrong?" Bokuto grabbed me by the shoulders and shoved his nose into my face, scrutinizing my face. His eyes were a blazing mix of worry and excitement. My whole body went rigid. When Bokuto felt me go tense he quickly took a step back, eyes ensnaring me. His lips wore a shy smile, but that gaze was fierce. A new fire I hadn't yet seen in them was kindling. "You look...wow."

My arms instinctively flew up, hugging my torso, looking anywhere but him. "It's not- I'm not-"

"Are you crazy?" Bokuto cut me off. He took a step closer to me. I could feel his stare burning into me like molten metal. He placed my bag at his feet and his hands took to my arms. "Akaashi, I can tell that you don't think you did well, but seriously, _wow_. I'm kind of at a loss for words right now. You _look_ amazing. And, God, you _did_ amazing. Watching all the other skaters felt the same to me. But you," he squeezed my arms, "I couldn't look away even if I wanted to. Fuck, Akaashi, you're just amazing. I really mean it."

My ears felt like they were on fire. I swallowed, trying to push my heart down my throat. "T-thank you, Bokuto-san." My voice was on the cusp of breaking now. All my life, I'd been used to being scolded the minute I was off the ice. But this? This was all too much, all too new. I liked it. I searched my mind for something, anything that told me what the right thing to do was, but I was frozen. And when I looked him in the eye, I knew I was done for. 

Maybe it was amazement. Maybe it was pride. Two pupils holding a maze of emotions all at once, pouring into me in a way I had never felt before. Though one seemed to rise above the rest, breaking the surface:

Adoration.

Bokuto smiled ear to ear at me. He said something back, but I couldn't make it out, because he was pulling me in and the world slowed around me.

Our height difference wasn't too huge, so when my body gave out my head lolled onto his shoulder. His large arms were secure and strong around my waist and it was as if I was wrapped up in just him and nothing else. Somehow the cold air no longer reached me. Were my feet touching the ground, or did I really just feel lighter than air?

Snapping back to reality I cautiously lifted my arms. Where was the best place to touch that didn't seem awkward? Should I hold onto his arms? No, no my heart would pop out of my chest if I touched those. Shoulders? Ugh, not much better. Chest? Yeah, I think I'll just accept my death right here.

Two hands snatched up my wrists and I jumped against Bokuto, who was so elated he barely even noticed. Suga came into view behind Bokuto with a knowing sneer on his lips. He rotated my hands and pressed my palms against Bokuto's broad back. And God, was he radiating heat. Hardened muscles pulled beneath my splayed hands and my pulse skyrocketed. I had to suppress the urge to yelp, or jump away, or to run my hands down the wide expanse of his back. Maybe everything at once. But despite my racing thoughts, I found myself unable to move.

"Akaash?" 

I jumped yet again, my forehead banging into his shoulder. "Sorry! Oh my god I'm so sorry," I blurted. I scrambled away from him as best I could, clasping my hands behind my back so Bokuto couldn't see them start tearing each other apart. 

Thick brows pinched together in confusion as I separated us and _holy shit was he frowning? Did I do that?_ "Don't be!" He reassured me. His face contorted into a slightly disappointed smile. "I really... liked that."

"...liked what?"

Bokuto grinned crookedly again. How was it possible to be this cute and hot at the same time? "Hugging you, of course!" He was beaming at me, a pure piece of the sun shining directly on me. I wouldn't mind basking in that sunshine for just a little longer. 

Someone appeared next to Bokuto. Kuroo elbowed him hard in the ribs before whispering something into his ear. Kuroo's face was a mix of urgency and something that really made me nervous. Him and Suga would be the death of me.

"Oh! Yeah!" Bokuto said, a little louder than he probably intended to. He bit at his bottom lip nervously. 

"You've got this, Bo," Kuroo strangled him in a one-armed hug before sidling away, smirking at me over his shoulder.

"Is something wrong, Bokuto-san?"

Oh, he was blushing now. Not as profusely as I was obviously, but the pink was noticeable. Very adorably noticeable. I wanted to press my lips to the subtle heat.

And you need to shut up now, Keiji.

"Oh, no, not at all!" Bokuto said quickly, waving his hands in the air. "It's just... I was wondering-Oh!" His eyes darted to my bag on the ground, where he snatched the jacket up.

"Did you want that back?" I asked him. "I was going to return it, I just didn't-"

"No!" he blurted. Bokuto shook his head to hard I swear I heard his neck crack. "Uhm, no. I'm glad you kept it. And you're probably cold, so..." His words trailed off as he unfolded the black material and draped it over me.

His scent flooded in from every angle. I smiled, holding back the urge to bury my face in it and inhale. "Thank you very much, Bokuto-san." I smiled at him. "What were you trying to say earlier?"

Bokuto shot upright, spine straightening him up to his full height. I marveled the strain of the fabric on his chest with the best poker-face I could muster. "Yeah! Yeah, that. Well I hope this doesn't sound very weird, but every time I've been able to talk to you or just see you over these past few weeks, I just get really happy. If you wouldn't mind, I really want to spend more time with you. Get to know more about you, what you like, and what makes you smile." He ran a hand through his hair. His eyes seemed to be having trouble meeting mine for the first time ever, but each time they did, his smile somehow got brighter. "I'd be really honored if you'd let me take you out sometime, Akaash. If you'd like that too, of course! It's no pressure. I could buy you dinner, or we could just go catch a movie or something. Anything you like!" He leaned in until his nose nearly brushed my own again, the tiny behavior that I'd learned he did when he was zeroed in on something, eager for the outcome. 

From behind my back, I pressed a finger into my wrist. Sure enough, my pulse was thrumming all too fast for me to count. I felt light-headed. Nervous enough to throw up, yet excited enough to dance around the rink. A tickling warmth was trickling into my blood, starting in my stomach and diffusing across every inch of me until everything around me was bathed in rosy pink. I watched the man in front of m carefully. His eyes were wide, nervous even. He fiddled with the hem of his shirt. For the first time today, I was able to look up and answer someone confidently. "I would really like that, Bokuto-san."

Bokuto sighed heavily, shoulders releasing their tension like a weight had been lifted from them. His face was pinching and twisting a bit. Was he holding something back? Was he that excited?

"How about tomorrow?"

”Yeah...I’m free tomorrow.”

Bokuto was all too happy to focus on anything else. He slung my bag over his shoulder and turned to me. He looked excited, nervous, a bundle of energy and joy standing at the ready to make someone's day. He reminded me of Hinata. _They were childhood friends, after all_. 

"Then it's a date! I'll leave you to go get changed, then I'll take your bags. Oh, and make sure your phone is on so I can text you about tonight and when I'm picking you up!"

Bokuto happily jogged behind me as I started toward the dressing room. The anxiety within me was dwindling down bit by bit, until all I was left with was an entirely new feeling. It was all warmth, all fuzzy, happy and light.

_It's a date._

\---

"Okay, perfect. That undershirt looks a million times better than the other one with that sweater. Now spin around for us, beautiful! I need a good look."

Rolling my eyes I heeded Oikawa's command, lifting my arms spinning in a slow circle in front of my phone. 

"Looks good to me. That belt with the coffee sweater? Perfect. Now tuck just the front of it into your pants. It'll look cute, I promise."

"Doubt that." I did as he asked anyway. With my lack of fashion knowledge, I had no right to go against anything they said. 

Suga's cheek pressed against Oikawa's on the screen as he looked me up and down. "That looks perfect. Put on those white sneakers and you're all set. We also need to add getting you some pants that aren't ripped black jeans onto our to-do list."

"The only thing on my to-do list is practice." I settled on my floor and put on the shoes. 

"Oh, it's not Bokuto?" Oikawa purred. 

There was an audible smack on the other line and then Suga's face was the only one on the screen. He looked at me with his usual loving smile. "Don't worry, Kaashi. You look great. I'm sure Bokuto will think the same."

I clambered onto my feet and shoved my hands under my glasses, rubbing my eyes furiously. "I really wish you guys could be here with me right now. I'm so freaking nervous right now. What if after he hangs out with me he thinks I'm boring? Or what if he thinks my shampoo smells bad? Or what if I trip or-"

"Everything is going to be okay. Just focus on having a good time with Bokuto-san, okay? He asked you out because he wants to spend time with you."

"My heart is literally racing right now." I squinted at the corner of my phone and read the time. Bokuto would be here to pick me up any minute now. Between now and last night after the performance, I had done absolutely nothing in order to mentally prepare for this date. But now that I was here and was watching the minutes tick by all too quickly, my chill ended up thrown out the window. 

"You'll be _fine!_ " Oikawa argued. 

There was a series of knocks at my front door and my heart stalled in my chest. 

"Well, it looks like our consultation is over now," Oikawa said. "Don't keep him waiting, now!"

I grabbed my phone and walked out of my bedroom. "Thank you guys so much for helping me with the outfit. I love you guys."

"Deep breaths, Akaashi. You've got this. Love you more!" Suga made a heart with his hands.

"Love you! Remember, you're hot!" Oikawa made a kiss noise. 

I promised to give them their desired summary of the date before ending the Facetime and gathering enough courage to get to the door. Each step felt harder to take than the last, like I was walking through glue. I grabbed the doorknob and twisted it slowly.

_Deep breaths, you're hot, deep breaths, you're hot, deep hots, you're breath, deep hots- wait, what the hell?_

Before my fight-or-flight could take over I flung the door open and my heart officially exploded out of my chest.

He looked so good it was unfair. Worst part of it all? He looked like he wasn't even trying. Faded jeans and sneakers. An open navy-blue button-up with the sleeves rolled to his elbows over a plain white tee. He had a leather watch on one wrist, and _oh my god why did he have flowers?_ His usually untamed hair was pulled back into an adorable little ponytail, a few rebellious pieces escaping it to frame his face. 

"For you!" He announced, thrusting the flowers into my chest. He opened his eyes and looked me up and down with a look sweet enough to make me melt. "You look really nice today."

I gingerly took the flowers, brushing my fingertips over the petals. "You, too. A-and... thank you very much you the flowers. I'll go put them in some water and we can head out." I left the door slightly open in a nonverbal invitation before bolting to my kitchen. While I filled the first vase I could find with water, Bokuto stepped into the entryway. He wore a cute little smile as he rocked back and forth on his heels, glancing around what he could see of my apartment. I placed the flowers in the water and swallowed my desire to cower behind the kitchen counter before meeting him at the door. 

Bokuto observed me carefully as I tucked my phone, keys, and wallet into my pockets. "Hey, Kaash? You feeling alright?"

"Uh, yes?"

"You sure? You're red as a tomato!"

I slapped my hands over my cheeks, which were indeed warm. "I-uh..." _What were words again?_

Bokuto's boisterous laugh brought me back to reality. "Everything's okay as long as you're not feeling sick. Just let me know if you are. I'll stay and take care of you!" 

I locked the door behind us and soon after Bokuto put a hand on my back, leading me into the elevator, and then through the lobby. As we made our way through the parking lot, all of my focus was put on not tripping over my own two feet and the heat of Bokuto's palm.

We made it to his truck and got in, but not without Bokuto dashing ahead to open my door for me. I had just clicked my seatbelt on when Bokuto slid across the bench seat and suddenly we were chest-to-chest. His arm snaked around my waist. Me, being high-strung as usual, jumped back and managed to get him in the neck with my knee.

"I'm so sorry, Bokuto-san!"

Bokuto lifted off me and slid back into his seat, strapping himself in. "Don't worry about it, I didn't even feel it. Just wanted to make sure your seat-heater was on."

"Oh. Thank you."

He twisted in his seat, grabbing my headrest as he looked through the back windshield and backed out of the lot. "Anytime."

_Don't look at his arms Keiji don't look at his arms for the love of God don't start checking him out you're gonna look like a freaking perv stop looking at his arms look away look away right fucking now-_

"So where are we going?"

Bokuto eased onto the main road. "You hungry? We could go have lunch first."

_My heart is currently splattered on the wall back in the apartment. If I were to eat right now, my stomach would join it._ "I'm down to go eat now."

"Oh, thank goodness!" Bokuto breathed, leaning back in his seat. "I'm literally about to die of starvation. I would have been able to wait if you wanted to, though."

I giggled behind my hand. "Did you not eat this morning?"

"Oh, I did. Went on a run with Tetsu this morning, but we got held up by something so I haven't gotten to eat anything since second breakfast."

I had to physically turn away from him to hide my disbelief. Of course I was aware of how much athletes had to eat to maintain peak condition, but something told me that these breakfasts he mentioned were no laughing matter. I wondered how much Bokuto had to spend on food each week for a minute. 

"Well, I'd hate to keep you waiting."

We approached a red light. "Anything you're in the mood for, Kaash? I was thinking you might like something nice and hot since it's chilly right now. But we can get anything you want!"

_You're nice and hot. I think I might like you._ "I'm not picky. Did you have something in mind?"

"There is a place on the way," he licked his lips and smiled. "Best soup dumplings I've ever eaten in my life. And I've eaten a lot of soup dumplings." I found it harder to be nervous the longer I was in the presence of such a happy, boisterous soul.

"Soup dumplings sound amazing right now. Let's go." _Anything that makes you smile is amazing._

Bokuto plugged in the location on the GPS just as the light turned green and we went on our way. 

\---

A boatload tea, an order of fried rice, a few orders of egg rolls, a plate of steamed veggies and three bamboo baskets of soup dumplings later, Bokuto and I finished our dinner at the Chinese restaurant. It was a nice place, with gentle red lighting and sleek tables. Bokuto informed me that he doesn't get the chance to visit this place very often, but it was still one of his favorites. My stomach became much more open to the idea of food the minute our orders arrived.

"That was amazing," I sighed, taking a sip of my tea. "You really weren't lying about those soup dumplings." 

Bokuto laughed aloud, patting his stomach. "I would never lie to you. Especially about good food."

The waitress arrived at our table with a check in hand. Bokuto snatched it up before I even had my hand on the table. I glared at him and pulled my wallet out. "Let me, Bokuto-san. You planned today and you're driving."

"No can do, Kaash!" Bokuto replied. He tucked a card into the check and handed it to the waitress, who left the table with a smile. "Besides, I'm pretty sure I ate the most out of both of us."

I plucked my napkin out of my lap and placed it on my plate. "There's nothing wrong with that. You are an athlete after all. But next time, I'm paying."

Bokuto perked up. "Next time?" 

_Shit._

I scratched at my chin awkwardly. "S-sorry, I shouldn't have just assumed things like that, I don't even know if you'd want-"

"Where should we go next? I have so many places I want to take you with lots of good food!" Bokuto leaned over the table in excitement and grabbed my free hand. "I'll make sure it's somewhere with lots of sweets!"

My heart rose into my throat. "Bokuto-san, you don't have to do that out of pity just because I said that. It's okay if you don't want to."

Bokuto cocked his head, squeezing my hand a little tighter. "I don't remember saying I didn't want to," he smiled. 

The waitress came back to the table a moment later and wished us a good rest of our night. Bokuto put his card back in his wallet. His hand still holding onto mine, he lead me out of the restaurant and through the lively streets. The trees were bathed in late afternoon light, autumn leaves crunching beneath our feet. 

"Bokuto-san, why did we come to Ueno?" 

He used his hold on my hand to pull me closer to him as we walked. "Ueno park is really nice in the fall. It's a nice change of pace from breathing in frozen air all the time," he shivered. His eyes suddenly flooded with worry. "Do you not like it here? We can go somewhere else if you don't!"

"No, it's not that at all," I reassured him gently. I didn't realize I was giving his hand a squeeze until after I'd done it. My words combined with the action calmed him. "I'm just not too familiar with the area. It's so pretty with the leaves turning colors." 

We walked past a massive temple building with a wide pond in front of it. Flowers floated along the perimeter and a fountain sent ripples through the water. Bokuto jutted his head in the direction of the temple. "This park used to be part of the Kaneiji Temple. It was nearly destroyed in the Boshin Civil War. But after the battle of Ueno, it was converted into one of Japan's first Western-style parks back in 1873." He smiled at me, one that showed all his teeth. "Pretty cool, right?"

I've never been one for history that didn't involve figure skating, but something about hearing it from Bokuto made it a hundred times more interesting. It also dawned on me, as we walked with our fingers entangled down paths carrying the breath of Autumn, that I wasn't thinking of the bruising stress skating brought me. I was thinking of Bokuto. 

We wandered around the temple grounds until our feet grew tired. There was just so much to see, and so many facts Bokuto would spout out that I couldn't get enough of hearing. Midway through giving me the gist of a war general's history in front of a statue of them, Bokuto's face flushed. "Oh my god, I've been dragging you all around here talking about history, and I didn't even ask if you liked that kind of stuff!" He let go of my hand and shoved his own into the pockets of his jeans. His smile was shy and apologetic. "You haven't been here before, right? Is there anything you want to see?"

For about ten seconds I was practically trying to use the Force to will his hands out of his pockets and back into my own. I reached inside me to grasp at any courage I had left for the night, afraid I'd already run it dry. But it was crazy how things within you could change when you were with someone who could erase any doubt within you. Heart hammering in my throat, I reached a hand out and twirled a loose strand of hair near his temple around my finger. Bokuto blushed slightly, but didn't protest my advances at all. He actually scooted a little closer, leaning his head into my hand. 

"I'm actually really enjoying hearing about all these things from you. However, I also want to hear about you, Bokuto-san. Is there anywhere we can go sit for a while?"

Bokuto's face lit up, and he was immediately back to normal. "Let's go to the pond!" he cheered. He took my wrist and whisked me off through the pedestrian traffic, my legs barely keeping up with him.

We arrived at a large pond, as promised. A few feet in front of us was a collection of park benches, facing the water in front of a low fence. Trees shaded each bench with reaching branches. Most had already given up a good portion of their leaves, but a few still clung onto the shades of orange and red. "You wanted to sit, right?" Bokuto asked, even though he was already pulling me to a bench. He plopped down onto the middle of the bench, but scooted closer to me when I sat at his right. 

The water was still and tranquil, reflecting the empty afternoon sky. Shadows from more trees scattered across the surface. "It's a little cold right now to do it, but you can go paddle boating in the pond," Bokuto informed me. "I've always wanted to try it!"

"I've never done that before," I thought aloud. "My mom would've been too worried about me getting a cold."

"Yeah, because you don't already spend all your time in a literal freezer," Bokuto laughed. He knocked his shoulder against mine. "We should come back when it's warmer. I'll find a day I don't have a game, and we'll rent a paddle boat. Oh, and get ice cream, too."

"I'd really like that," I agreed. A breeze ruffled the half-naked branches and Bokuto scooted closer to me. I tipped my head down to hide my blush. "Speaking of hockey, what's it like being a professional player?"

Bokuto stretched an arm over the back of the bench, moving slowly to give me a chance to move away. When I didn't, he smiled. "It's busy sometimes. Lots of early mornings, running, and lifting. But I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love my team. Tetsu and I have been playing together since little league, but we were on different teams for a while. Now our goal is to get scouted together!" 

I raised an eyebrow and let the corners of my mouth turn up. "Scouted? Are you trying to get to the Olympics?"

"That would be freaking amazing, but really, I'm just happy to play," he admitted. He gazed out across the pond. "Being a starter right now for a professional team is already a dream come true."

"I don't know much about hockey, but being a starter is really impressive. Hockey has always seemed so intense to me."

"It is a pretty intense game, yeah! But I could teach you about it sometime! Maybe someday you can come to a game? Only if you want to, of course. It'd really hype me up to have you there." To have me there.

"I'd love to see you play. What position are you?"

"I'm a winger most of the time! But I've played some center, too. It's a lot of fun."

I turned so I could pull my legs up onto the bench, facing Bokuto. Our knees bumped together as I pulled myself closer to him. His cheeks flushed to a deeper red, but his smile never faltered. We took turns talking. Me asking him a hockey question, him giving me his most in-depth answer with a few sound effects and excited gestures with his hands. I tuned out my stress and the sound of pedestrians, anything that wasn't him. We stayed together like this by the pond until the sun threatened to dip beneath the horizon.

\---

I sat in the truck with the heat on and the radio playing softly in the background while Bokuto ran into one last store before we went home. He had insisted it was a surprise, and that it would be fastest if he ran in himself. I could tell he felt bad for keeping me out so late, but I wasn't mad in the slightest bit. I could have stayed on that park bench all night just listening to him talk, stiff legs and back be damned. It was nearing six p.m when Bokuto hopped back into the truck.

"Warm enough in here for you?" he asked as he set us on the path home. He had a white cardboard box with gold lettering on it in his lap.

I yawned and covered my mouth with my hand. "Mhm. What did you get in that store?"

"Oh!" Bokuto jumped in his seat a little bit before placing the box on my knee. He squeezed my knee gently and the contact sent heat through my leg all the way to my ears. "It was a dessert shop. I really wanted us to go in together, but I feel really bad for keeping you out so late already. I hope you don't mind?"

I peaked under the lid of the box and my breath caught in my throat. _These look way too expensive._ "Bokuto-san, how much did you spend on these?"

He waved me off and smiled widely at me. "That would be none of your business, Akaash. Don't worry about it, okay? I really wanted to get them for you."

I sighed. "I'm never letting you pay ever again. But anyways, what are these?"

"They're called petit fours! They're like these little French cake things. I got a few flavors since I wasn't sure which to pick. They're my mom's favorite."

I licked my lips. "Well from the looks of it, she has very good taste."

We drove the rest of the way to my apartment in easy conversation, something I never thought I'd have with anyone but my four only friends. Bokuto lead the conversation for the most part, listing off sweets he's made or eaten. Whenever I talked, though, I could feel his full attention on me. He didn't interrupt me once, listening intently and somehow coaxing me to keep talking. Not that I needed much of a push to talk around him anymore. Everything he said caught my attention, never the same thing twice. 

He walked me to my door when we reached the complex. I turned my back to him for a minute to unlock the door, then went back to facing him. I toyed with the lid of the cardboard box. "Bokuto-san, are you sure you don't want any of these? I feel bad that-"

"Don't worry about it, Akaash! I really want you to have them. Also I'm going home tonight before I go to my apartment, and mom will want me to eat whatever sweets she's brought home." He chuckled to himself and ran a hand over his hair before gazing at me shyly. "Thank you so much for coming out with me tonight. I enjoyed it a lot."

I hugged the box to my chest, heat taking over my face. "Thank you for planning this, and for dinner, and for everything, Bokuto-san. I really enjoyed it a lot, too."

We stood together at the door in a slightly awkward silence, the first time I'd felt awkward with him all night. I debated if it would be appropriate to ask him to come in, but I didn't want to hold him up getting home. We were in the city now, so I didn't know how long his drive would be. I smiled at him before opening my door. 

"Akaash?"

I paused with my hand on the doorknob. "Yes?"

"Before we say goodnight, I have two things I want to tell you. Well, three, if you count saying goodnight." He laughed nervously, eyes on his sneakers.

"Well, tell away."

He picked his head up and smiled at me. "Alright. First thing. Would you actually be interested in doing something like this again? With me?"

"I really enjoyed tonight. I'd love to," I nodded. Bokuto kept smiling after I answered him, but grew tenser with each passing moment he didn't speak again. When even I couldn't stand still anymore, I added, "What's the second thing, Bokuto-san?"

"Sorry, sorry, this is just... Wow." Bokuto rolled his shoulders back and shook his head. His entire neck and face were red now. Bright golden eyes couldn't seem to focus on anything until they snapped onto mine. "I'm a little nervous about it, but uh, you can probably see that. But I really want to tell you because everything I'm feeling right now just feels so right."

_Oh, no. I'm not ready for this._

Bokuto stepped forward until my feet were in the apartment and he was just outside the doorway. His face was inches away from mine. 

_No, no, no. You don't. It's not right. I'm me, you can't like that. No one could ever feel this way about me. I don't deserve this._

"I really like you, Akaashi."

Fat, silent tears plummeted down my cheeks as I acted without thinking. I shut the door in his face and retreated into the apartment. Into the room that would take me the farthest away from that front door. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no thoughts. head empty. just this mess of a chapter

Monday's practice the morning after last night's disastrous end was quiet. Much too quiet for a room that was occupied by Oikawa and Hinata at the same time. All four of my friends were giving me the hairy eyeball throughout practice, and it took all of my strength not to buckle from the guilt. They were _all_ mad at me to some extent. I'd made a promise to them all, to tell them how my date with Bokuto went when I got home. Instead, I'd opted to shut my phone off all the way and cry myself to sleep on the bathroom floor, the only company from the owl clock ticking away on the wall in the living room. I was utterly hopeless. A lost cause, not worth the effort of either my friends or the ball of sunshine that was Bokuto Koutarou.

It was rather easy to say that I utilized my avoiding-people skills the entire morning. I kept to myself the entire time, which wasn't too bad since I usually did that anyway. I hugged my own edge of the rink during personal practice time. I slipped into the facility as late as I dared that morning, narrowly missing the swarming hockey team. The only person I answered to was Coach. When the time came to pack up and head home for the day, I idled behind the group, making sure I was the last person off the ice. I went about practicing some footwork halfheartedly with my head down so my friends wouldn't catch me waiting for them to leave. 

Fifteen minutes later, my legs were signaling to me that they'd had enough of my shit for today. Shaking out my ankles and lifting each leg out to the side to crack my hips, I finally made my way out of the rink. The place was empty now, probably due to the fact that a public session this early on a Monday isn't typically a popular pick. I itched to take advantage of the open rink, but my sore muscles won this time. I shrugged on my jacket on when I made it to the bench and went about the motions of packing up my skates. Once everything was secure I tucked my phone into the pocket of my Adidas sweats and headed up the stairs to the off-ice room with caution. As I silently guided the door shut behind me, I caught the tail end of what sounded like a heated ranting session.

"It was atrocious. Not only was the costume hideous, but did you _see_ his transitions? He looked like a dumpster on ice skates. A hot mess." Oikawa feigned a gag into his hand before dipping his head back down to check his appearance on his phone's camera. 

Kenma ran a hand through his knotted hair and cringed. "Tooru, those kids were fourteen and younger." 

I felt guilt burn in my guts. Because I'd avoided them all morning by purposefully showing up late, Kenma had to skate with his hair down. He _hated_ that. One day I really needed to teach him how to do it himself. But then again I wasn't in a rush. It was our thing, if that made any sense. I love doing his hair.

"Who cares how old they are? Someone needs to sit his choreographer down and have a _long_ chat with them." Oikawa spritzed some product into his hair and coaxed each strand into place with a masterful touch. "If I were his mother, I'd cry."

"Hey, hey, I'm all about a good round of shit-talking, but a fourteen-year-old is a little cruel," Suga said pointedly. "Now if you'd like to talk about hot messes, little _Yahaba-"_

"Ohhh my god, _I know right?! "_ Oikawa whined and stuck his nose in the air. "He went up to Kaashi last night and tried to pull shit. Started talking to him all sweet, complimenting his skill and whatnot. I ripped that little leech off him in an instant. I may not know him well, but I don't trust that smile of his. He has no technique." 

"Didn't he get in trouble for badmouthing at the Qualifiers for Nationals?" Hinata dove into Suga's bag and fished out a paper bag. He grabbed two of Suga's homemade granola bars and went up to Kenma, who reluctantly took one. I eyed him warily as he stared at the snack. When Kenma finally took a bite I released the breath I hadn't realized I was holding, smiling in relief. 

"Well look who finally decided to join us!"

_Uh oh._

Oikawa clapped his hands together and pulled them against his chest, smiling tightly. He looked at me and those perfect brown eyes seethed with cold fury. I took a tentative step back and grabbed the door handle. 

"Oh, no you don't!" 

In the blink of an eye Oikawa was looming in front of me. He slammed his hand against the door, forcing it shut and leaning all his weight against it to cut off my escape. Once again he shot that pinched smile at me and I recoiled in fear. It was the kind of smile an angry adult gave a child when they were seconds away from killing them-he the murderous parent, and me the kid in deep shit. A nervous sweat broke on my forehead.

Oikawa shoved his face into mine, a hand reaching out and pinching my ear so I couldn't turn away. "Kaaaaashi," he cooed without an ounce of sweetness in his tone. "We've been waiting for you _all_ morning, you know. We were worried about you! You were late this morning, which for you is _very_ unusual." He dug his nail into my ear to emphasize the word. "Why don't you come sit and tell us about your morning? Oh, and while you're at it, isn't there something else you're supposed to tell us about? Don't be keeping things from us."

Silent footsteps followed and Suga appeared next to Akaashi. He shared a similar pissed-off aura to Oikawa but his smile was less threatening and more concerned. "That's enough from you," Suga yanked Oikawa back my the collar and he released my ear with a string of complaints leaving his lips. I reached up to rub the skin and looked at the floor. An arm wrapped around my shoulders and dragged me away from the door. Suga grabbed my arms and turned me around, sitting me down on the bench. "Akaashi. Look at me." He slipped a hand under my chin and forced my head up. "Something is wrong, you _know_ bottling it up won't help. It's just us. You know we all love you, right?"

Oikawa thundered up behind Suga. "But I'll _end_ you if you don't start spilling- _"_

Suga easily cut Oikawa off by slamming his foot square into the other man's stomach. Oikawa doubled over in pain with a groan and fell back into Hinata, who scurried to catch him when Kenma dodged out of the way. It was a sight I was so used to that even if I wasn't caught up in my feelings, I'd barely give it a second thought. I smiled slightly. I knew well they loved me, and I loved them all too. 

But that love aside, I really wasn't looking forward to telling them what was up. I just couldn't shake the feeling that they'd all be disappointed in me. I finally got a date with the guy I was falling for more by the day, and what did I do? I _literally_ shut him out when he confessed. I should've been _elated._ Well, I was elated. My entire body was rattling with joy, actually. I wanted to run at him, jump into his arms so fast that we collapsed on the floor together. I wanted to hug him, feel him hug me. I wanted to run my hands all over his neck and shoulders, press kisses against every inch of his face. But alas, all his face got was my door slamming in it.

This should have been the part where I finally felt happy. Bokuto _liked me back._ I couldn't even gather the strength to call him back and apologize. I was a coward. Shame boiled inside me as four sets of eyes locked onto me. 

I looked at the door. Then up at Suga, then Oikawa. Oikawa, however, could see through me like I was made of glass. The minute I attempted to book it to the door he was on me. He tackled me to the ground, wrangling me in by the waist and pinning my arms to my sides. I yanked my right arm free and pressed my palm against his face. 

"Get off!" I yelled. Oikawa hissed at me and bit down on my hand, which I immediately retracted. We grappled with each other on the floor while our three friends watched in mild horror. Not surprised horror, however. Oikawa unhooked one arm from around my waist to use for balance as he got to his knees. When his grip on me slackened, I shoved him off and sprinted to the door.

"You little shit! Get back here!" Oikawa bellowed, sprinting after me. I ignored his angry shouting as I yanked the door open and dashed down the stairs. There was no way I could handle his hot-headed lecturing. Or some stupid little pep-talk from the others. Or the way I knew their faces would fall when I told them the story of my failure. 

When I made it down the stairs I veered down the hall, scanning the facility hurriedly to plan my next move. My suitcase was still in the locker room. My skates were supposed to be in said suitcase, but I'd abandoned them too in the off-ice room. I slammed my hand down against my pocket and groaned. My phone was there, but the one thing I really needed to escape was not. _Where the fuck did I put my keys?_

"I swiped his keys! Catch him while he can't get away!"

Leaning my forehead against the wall in the dark space below the steps, I put my head in my hands and let out a silent scream. Of _course_ Oikawa would steal my freaking keys. I wouldn't be surprised if he grabbed my bags and locked them up somewhere while he was at it. Oikawa was just that kind of person. The moment he knew something was wrong, he'd corner you and prod at you for answers. And if you ran, say your prayers. Oikawa was an inescapable force, like a plague of hard love. 

Feeling more or less like a caged animal, I took a deep breath and tried to pull myself together. I ran through everything I needed to review before I made my escape- _What part of the rink was I in? Who was still here? How far from the front door was I? Could I hot-wire my own car?_

"Oooh, are we hiding from Oikawa? I wanna play!" Hinata whisper-shouted in my ear.

I whirled around to face my shorter friend and immediately clapped a hand over his mouth. His continued to hold that excited glint, still wide and giddy. He asked me again if we were hiding into my hand. I nodded in response and he jumped up and down. 

I leaned in close to his ear, slapping on a convincing smile. "Okay, Hinata. Do you want to win this game with me?"

"MMMPH!!" He nodded excitedly. 

"Okay. We have to be _very_ quiet then. Can you do that?" That earned me another nod, unaccompanied by a vocal answer. I heaved a sigh and removed my mouth from his hand. "Do you know where everyone else is?"

Hinata scrunched his face up in focus, like he was channeling all of his energy into speaking quietly. "Suga and Oikawa are looking for us. Kenma is cleaning up the room and packed up our bags."

"So all of our stuff is safe?"

"Yup. Kenma locked the room up."

_Thank God. If I dipped now, no patrons can steal my stuff ._ "Good. We just have to avoid them, then."

"How are we gonna win this game, Kaashi?" Hinata bounced from foot to foot, fists clenched.

I put my hands on his shoulders and gave him a serious look. "We just have to make it to my car. Then we're home free."

"But Oikawa took your keys-"

"It's fine," I cut him off. "I can just take the train. Are you ready to go?"

"Ready!"

" _Shhhhh!"_

Hinata flinched, hanging his head slightly. "Sorry. But I'm ready!" He replied in a whisper. 

I gripped the strap of my bag on my shoulder, gathered some courage, and peeked out from under the staircase. The ice was empty, not a single soul to be found around the rink. Whether it was just my lucky break or too good to be true, I really didn't care. Grabbing Hinata's wrist I lead us out into the light.

I glanced around one last time. We had a straight shot to the lobby doors. If we could just make it out of there, I'd be free to make a mad dash to the park or the station. No-one could chase me down in public without causing a scene. Then it occurred to me that Suga and Oikawa weren't the type of people to care about making a scene. Kenma was indifferent, and Hinata would just be happy to participate. 

"Okay. Let's get out to the lobby." I walked us over to the door while Hinata swung our clasped hands back and forth. When we made it to the exit my heart rate spiked. Something definitely felt...off. Like this was staged. How were Oikawa _and_ Suga not hounding me right now?

My hand came up to grab the handle but another snapped out and caught my wrist. I narrowed my eyes at Hinata. "What are you doing?"

Hinata smiled at me sheepishly. "Please don't hate me!" He cried out.

"Why would -"

"CHARGE!!!" Hinata let out an ear-piercing battle cry and bulldozed straight into my chest, wrapping his limbs around my body. In the blink of an eye Suga and Oikawa were there, blocking off anywhere I could use as an exit. 

"You set me up, didn't you?" I glared down at Hinata who was still clinging to me like his life depended on it.

"I'm so sorry, but we had to! You were avoiding us all morning and I _hate_ when you get sad and don't say good-morning to me!" He whimpered out a sad string of apologies as Kenma appeared by Suga's side. He had a water bottle in one hand and two sets of keys in the other.

"You really thought you could get away from us that easily?" Oikawa spat angrily. "Like hell we're just gonna let our best friend ignore us just to sulk around!" 

"Sorry, Kaashi. We'll be taking you for the rest of the day now." Suga smiled sweetly. 

"But what about my car?" I rebuted. "I need to get my stuff home."

"I already put your stuff in your car. Konoha has your keys because I told him to move it to the staff parking lot." Kenma twirled one of the keys around his finger. 

"I'll drive Akaashi's car home!" Hinata piped up.

" _Absolutely not!"_ I hissed. Hinata sighed in defeat and trudged to Kenma's side. Kenma beckoned Suga with a wave of his hand and gave him one of the sets of keys when he came over. 

"Listen, Kaashi," Oikawa sighed. "I know that you're probably really mad at us right now, but you can't blame us for doing what we're doing."

"Actually, I can-"

Oikawa snapped his fingers in my face. "Nope! No smart mouth. Just listen." He took my hand and laced our fingers together. "I can tell something's wrong. You're sly, but you can't hide everything from me. Hinata's mom invited us over for lunch today. We're all going. We're gonna sit down, eat some hot, yummy food, you're gonna tell us what's on your mind, and we're gonna be there for you."

I tried to yank my hand away, but gave up after a few tugs. Oikawa wasn't about to just let me go, and I found something about that comforting. I glanced at my feet before peeking at him. "Is Natsu home?" I asked quietly. 

"She will be by the time we're there!" Oikawa traded his angry scowl for a smile. He opened my arms and I fell against his chest, letting the hands rubbing my back soothe my racing mind. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed my forehead to his shoulder. Oikawa turned his head and whispered in my ear. "Everything's gonna be okay. We are always here for you, no matter how scared you are or how stupid you feel the situation is. And you know Suga and I will beat anyone's ass if need be, right?" His arms left my waist and he jabbed my sides playfully until I laughed. 

"I know, I know," I snorted, swatting his hands away. "You guys are so protective."

"It's because we love you and you'd do the same for us."

"In a heartbeat," I replied easily. 

Hinata bounded over and grabbed my hand. "Look, we got him to smile!" He giggled before his face pinched with worry. "Are you...mad at me?"

I ruffled his hair before pulling his head to my chest. "I could never stay mad at you." 

"We ready to go now?" Kenma jingled the pair of keys and attached himself to Suga's side, leeching off his warmth. 

Suga threaded an arm around Kenma's shoulders. "We'll leave Akaashi's car here for now and I'll go pick it up, since I'm meeting with my choreographer this evening," he decided. He turned to me and handed me a pair of keys that were heavy with key-chains and clipped onto an old lanyard from a competition. "Kaashi, you take Hinata's car with him and Kenma. Oikawa and I are picking up Natsu from hockey, but we'll be right behind you."

"Hey, why don't I get to drive my _own_ car?" Hinata whined. Kenma detached from Suga and tucked himself against Hinata, already dragging him to the door. 

"Because we don't want to die," he deadpanned.

Hinata jutted out his bottom lip. "But-"

"No buts!" Suga spun us around and ushered us out through the lobby to the parking lot. "Today was a hard practice. Let's get out of here fast so we can eat and properly recover!"

A few minutes later I was pulling Hinata's brightly-colored car into the driveway of the tall family home. I rounded them up, coaxing Kenma out of the car with the promise of warm blankets, and took us to the front door. Hinata's keys were, for lack of a better word, busy. It took me almost three minutes to sort through the ridiculous amount of charms and such to find his house key.

"Get in here already, boys! It's cold out there." Hinata's mother was waiting for us when we opened the door, hair in a neat bun with an apron tied around her waist. We marched through the doorway and stepped out of our shoes before she was demanding hugs from each of us. I waited for Hinata and Kenma to hug her first and stepped up to her once they disappeared down the hall. 

She wrapped me up in her warm embrace the minute I was close enough. She was significantly shorter than me, even shorter than her son, but that didn't make her affections any less warm. I dipped my head down so she could kiss me on the cheek. "You haven't come by in a while, Keiji. Natsu and I have missed you."

I squeezed her back before we pulled away and I smiled at her. "I've missed you guys, too. I was actually here a few weeks ago, but it was pretty late so no one was up." I didn't need to sulk over an ice-cold biological mother when I had a woman like her in my life. Hinata Ichika was bursting with motherly love and anyone who stepped foot into her house would feel it whether they wanted to or now. 

She scrutinized my face. "You look upset."

I laughed dryly. "Nothing gets past you, Hinata-san."

"I told you, call me Ichika. Or just mom. But you don't need to use some silly honorific with me." She frowned. "So something _is_ wrong?"

Ichika cupped my cheek and I leaned into her touch. "Well, yes. Maybe. I don't know. But I did something really stupid and I hate myself for it."

"Well I'm sure whatever it was, we can fix it." She wrapped an arm around me and pulled me through the hall into the kitchen. "Now, was this a boy thing or a friend thing?"

A small laugh escaped my lips. Ichika was one of the only parents I was out to, along with Kenma's, Suga's, and Hinata's. The fact that my own mother didn't know should have hurt, but that sting had faded long ago. I could hear Kenma and Hinata talking in the living room about some new video game, but tuned it out for now. I stepped into the familiar kitchen and began getting out dishes for lunch.

"It... may or may not be a boy?"

"Oh? If I remember correctly, you've never had a crush before!" Ichika and I met up at the kitchen island that held the sink and stove. We washed our hands and began doling out food into bowls. "Feeling a little overwhelmed?"

I shrugged and stared at the bowl in my hands as she ladled miso soup into it. I placed the full bowl on the counter and accepted the plate she handed me. "I guess you could say that. I've only known him for a few weeks, but I have no idea what I'm supposed to do." I carefully picked up a poached egg from the plate and placed it in the soup.

"Can you tell me a little about him?" Ichika asked, scooping out steaming curry onto some plates. 

I grabbed a few white bowls and went to the rice maker to fill them up. "W-well, he plays hockey. And he's...He's amazing. Kind, funny, strong-willed. Very energetic and a little loud, but not in a bad way." I laughed as I scooped some rice into a bowl. "It reminds me a little of Hinata. But anyway, he's so nice. Caring, comforting, understanding. And I..." I paused. _What exactly did I want to say? No, screw that. I may have messed up, but I know how I feel about Bokuto._ "I just really like him, and, ugh."

Balancing the seven bowls on my arms, I made my way back to the counter. Ichika giggled at me and I cocked an eyebrow at her. She smiled warmly at me, that kind of mom-smile that made you feel like everything would be okay. "Well it sounds like a very good guy. It's nice to see you smile like this and get all fuzzy." She wiggled her chopsticks teasingly at me before returning to the spread of plates. "But that reminds me. You mentioned he's a hockey player. Do you remember Hinata telling you anything about Bokuto-san, his childhood friend? If he plays on the team that practices at your rink, he's on the same team as him!" She laughed, swiping a stray hair behind her ear. "All the boys I've met from that team are very kind. You picked wisely, Keiji," she winked.

I tensed every muscle in order to stop my full-body cringe. How the _fuck_ did I forget that one tiny yet important detail? I swallowed thickly, busying myself with setting the bowls on each tray Ichika had organized. _Should I tell her? Would it be weird if I told her I was kind of head-over-heels for Hinata's childhood friend?_

"Ichikaaaa, something smells delicious!" 

Oikawa burst into the kitchen and I silently thanked him for interrupting. He skipped over to the counter and leaned down so Ichika could kiss him on the cheek. 

She snagged him in a hug before turning to the counter. She picked up two trays and handed it to him. "You boys don't come over nearly enough. I miss cooking big meals like this!" 

"Well we've missed you, too. Thank you so much for inviting us over," he said, taking the trays happily. "I'll take these out to the other two and I'll be back for my own. I'm starving!"

Ichika shooed him out. "You know you're welcome anytime! I know you all are too busy to cook proper meals for yourselves!" Oikawa laughed and smiled at her over his shoulder before breezing out of the kitchen with the trays. A moment later his spot in the entryway of the kitchen was taken by Suga, who's leg was being strangled by a very tired-looking Natsu. 

I set down the last of the bowls before kneeling down to pull Natsu into a hug before she could tackle my own legs. "Akaashi!" she cried, wrapping her arms around me. "I missed you so, so much!"

After giving her hair a thorough ruffle I pulled away from her to fix the disheveled pigtails. "I missed you too, Natsu. How was hockey practice?"

"Super good! I scored lots of goals!" Natsu tugged on her mother's apron. "Can I eat lunch with the guys?"

Ichika knelt next to me and we exchanged understanding glances. "The boys actually have something very important to talk about today, so we need to give them a little bit of privacy. But as soon as they're done, Shoyou will come get you and you can hang out with all the guys, alright?"

Natsu pouted, but didn't fight any further. "Okay. But I'm hungry now!"

"Well then let's get some food in that tummy! Then you can tell me all about practice today!" ichika tickled Natsu's stomach until she laughed, then whisked her off to the dining room with a tray of food in her free hand. 

Suga stepped up to the counter and grabbed two trays. He jutted his chin in the direction of the living room. I picked up the last tray and followed him out.

Hinata was quick to greet us, gathering us all up at the low table where we sat on the floor. We hummed a quick thanks for the meal before digging in. As usual, Ichika's cooking was heavenly. The curry was thick and savory, one of my favorite hearty meals. The miso soup combined with the poached egg was also amazing. I had to slow down a little bit to make sure I didn't suck it all down too fast. 

Halfway through our meal, Oikawa cleared his throat and slapped the table. He shot me a challenging look, pointing a finger at me. "Okay. Now that there's no chance of anyone being hangry, _talk."_

"Where do you I even start?" I sighed, setting down my chopsticks.

"How did your date with Koutarou go?" Kenma asked. Hinata lurched to his left and slapped a hand over Kenma's mouth. He whispered something into his ear, and the blonde nodded in understanding. "Your date with...Hockey-boy."

"Nice save," Suga snapped and shot finger guns at Kenma. 

"Enough! Talk. Now." Oikawa drummed his fingers on the table impatiently. 

I filled my lungs with as much oxygen as they could handle, mentally preparing for any possible reactions. It was relatively easy, since Hinata's house was somewhere I considered safe.

"The date itself was amazing. I've never enjoyed going out and spending the day with someone like that. Like, ever. Usually I always try to get out of plans like this."

"Don't we know it," Suga snorted. 

"Shut up!" Oikawa hissed. He leaned his chin in his clasped hands, elbows on the table. "Continue. No more interruptions." 

My hands wrung themselves out over and over in my lap. "Well, it was amazing. I never expected going out on dates like that to be so great. Maybe it was just because he was the one that took me out. Bo- er, Hockey-boy picked me up early in the afternoon. He brought me flowers and he was just _so_ sweet and he looked _so_ hot, and ugh!" I buried my face in my hands. "He took me out to lunch. We went to some really nice Chinese restaurant. He ate like a human vacuum-cleaner, guys. It was _so much food,_ but, I also found that kind of cute? Is that weird? Oh my god, that's totally weird!" 

"Not weird, but continue on," Kenma said before taking a tiny bite of curry.

"Okay, okay, not weird. But yeah, he ate a lot of soup dumplings. Payed for the whole meal and didn't even let me put up a fight, even though he drove me around all day." As I continued talking, I watched contently as Suga quietly coaxed Kenma to keep eating. "After that he took me to a park. I wasn't familiar with the area since I don't go out much, but we walked to Ueno park and _he held my hand._ I was freaking out the entire time because up until now I didn't think it was at all possible for him to like me back. But we walked around the park together for a little while, and he told me all about the history of the area. He's so smart, and he smiled the whole time, and it was just _so cute_. After we walked around he took me to the pond and we just sat there and talked. Just about life and skating and hockey. I slipped and accidentally said something about mom, but he let me brush it off without pushing. He was so respectful. Just sat there and let me talk about anything I wanted. He listened and he looked like he actually cared. He even kind of put his arm around me? I don't really know what it was, but it felt so _nice."_

"I don't get it," Suga commented flatly, and all heads turned to him. "You were so upset. Upset enough to even avoid us. But why? This sounds like it couldn't have gone any better."

"Let him finish!" Oikawa and Hinata cawed at him. Suga rolled his eyes and waved eagerly for me to continue. 

"Well, it _did_ go really well," I huffed. "For the most part. We stayed at the pond for a really long time, like, hours. Talking to him felt natural. Like I've known him forever. He didn't care to talk about himself at all, he just wanted to listen to whatever I said no matter how boring I thought it was. I did get him to talk about himself a little, though, which made me really happy." I took a quick sip of my tea. "We eventually left the park when the sun was starting to go down, and here's where things started to go bad."

Hinata leaned in and nuzzled my shoulder from the right, Suga taking my hand at my left and squeezing it. Kenma and Oikawa leaned in over the table, conveying their support even when touch was out of reach. I smiled weakly at them and forced the tears back that were pricking my eyes. They all looked so _concerned,_ so worried about me, and it was bittersweet. I hated seeing them sad because I was upset. I loved feeling their unconditional love and support. 

Suga put an arm around my shoulders, our hands still laced together in my lap. "It's okay," he soothed, giving my shoulder a squeeze. "It's just us. You can tell us anything no matter what it is, and we'll still be here the next day."

"You can tell us whenever you're ready, Keiji," Kenma said. 

Oikawa pushed closer. "I won't hesitate to cut a bitch!"

"Yeah, we love you!" Hinata agreed, Oikawa's malicious threat going completely over his head.

I chuckled and let Hinata's hand take my free one in my lap. Four loving pairs of eyes were focused on me. _They're all so amazing. What did I do to deserve friends like these?_

"It's okay, I'm ready now," I sniffled lightly. "I really fucked up, guys. Like, _really._ I regret it so much, and I just don't know if I'd even be given the chance to fix it. He took me to a sweets shop and picked out a bunch of stuff for me. A bunch of fancy French cakes that were all amazing, but I was a little upset that he spent so much money on me."

"You act like you don't deserve that, Kaashi!" Oikawa laughed. He smirked. "Let a man treat you right, baby."

"Shut up," I giggled shakily, sniffling again. I kept my sleeves at my eyes to catch the stray tears as I talked. "So he bought me the sweets and took me home. T-this is where it gets...bad." The four of them all pressed closer and their presence reassured me. "H-he walked me up to my door and he told me how h-happy he was that I went out with h-him," I gulped. "He said he wanted to do it again, too. B-but after, that, he s-said something and I just," I choked on a small sob in my throat and Suga and Hinata squeezed my hands. "I d-didn't know how to react, so I freaked. I fucked up s-so bad."

I bit my lip to hold back my pathetic whimpering. Oikawa shuffled from his seat to sit behind me and his hands were on my back, rubbing soothing circles between my shoulder blades. "I'm sure you're just overthinking it a little too much," he said softly. I leaned back against him and let him support my weight.

"You do tend to do that a lot." Kenma crawled over and wedged himself between me and Hinata, who opted to just lean back into Kenma's lap.

I kept my eyes glued to my lap. My voice came out tight and quiet, strained with no real color of voice like I was sick. Or like someone was tugging my vocal cords tight. "Bokuto told me he liked me."

The table erupted, but they were mostly quiet, mindful of the other people home. Hinata was vibrating in Kenma's lap. Suga squealed and hugged me tight. Oikawa cheered and buried his face in my neck. Kenma had a smile much wider than his usual tiny ones. 

"I told you he liked you!" Hinata whisper-shouted, pumping his fist in the air. 

"I think we could all tell he did," Suga shook my shoulder gently. Although the celebration was reassuring to some extent, the weight of my shame didn't let me feel any of it. I let go of the hands in my lap to catch my head as I wept into my palms. 

Oikawa's arms wrapped around my waist. "Akaashi, what happened after that?"

I balled my hands into fists, hitting them against my forehead. "I'm so s-s-stupid!" I wailed. I was slowly starting to lose the ability to control my volume. "B-bokuto confessed to me and instead of t-telling him how I felt I shut the door in his face!"

The room went quiet. I could feel the four of them exchanging looks above me as I crumpled into Oikawa. _What if they yell at me? I wouldn't be able to handle that, even though they would never. They're probably so disappointed in me._

"We aren't disappointed in you," Kenma interjected my thoughts. "No one is mad at you."

I let Hinata pull me up by the shoulders and Suga wiped my face with a tissue. Where he got them, I had no idea. He was just always prepared. "I don't know what came o-ver me," I hiccuped. "He told me and I suddenly felt so scared, like it couldn't be real."

"And you convinced yourself that you didn't deserve it, couldn't figure out how to react, so you shut him out?" Kenma suggested. I sighed and pretended to ring a bell. 

"Ding, ding, you're right." I let Suga nudge my face to the side so he could wipe my other cheek. "I panicked, and now my chances with him are ruined forever."

"I wouldn't say that," Oikawa rebutted. "It's okay that you panicked. You've never been in a situation like this, since you're a prude." He poked me playfully in the side. "Kaashi, this is easily fixable, you didn't _break_ anything. Bokuto-Sorry, we're not using the code name anymore, right-Okay. Anyway, Bokuto-san is an absolute sweetheart. And have we mentioned absolutely in love with you? Seriously, this isn't as bad as you think it is. Is it bad? Yes, kind of-"

"But like he said, this can be fixed!" Suga quickly cut him off, elbowing Oikawa in the ribs. He took my hands in his and smiled, instantly filling me with comfort. "If you just told him what happened, Bokuto would understand. Even if you don't know if you're ready to confess yet, you should still at least tell him you didn't mean any harm. He wouldn't be mad if you just told him you were a little startled."

"He has every reason to hate me now. He bought me dinner and took me out and I had the audacity to-"

"You didn't mean to! It's going to be okay!" All of us turned to gaze at Hinata, whose fists were clinched at his sides. Hist bottom lip quivered. "Kou really liked you, Akaashi! He talks about you all the time! If you would just _tell_ him the truth, that it was just an accident, he wouldn't be mad! And he would _never_ hate you!"

Suga's eyes flashed with warning. "Hinata, don't-"

"No!" He interrupted angrily. He stood up with tears in his eyes, pushed his way through everyone, and plopped down in my lap. His hands flew up to my face and he squished my cheeks. "D-don't give up on him, and don't you _dare_ assume that he's given up on you!" Hinata pressed his forehead to mine with enough force to make me wince a little. "He wouldn't-he's not that kind of person at all! He's got a big heart. No, the biggest heart!" Hinata's face was a mess of tears and snot from his runny nose. His cheeks were flushed. "I just can't stand to see you so sad, when you deserve nothing but happiness!" Hinata dropped his hands from my face and let his head fall onto my shoulder. As his sobs picked up again I put my hands on his arms, rubbing and squeezing them quietly.

"I'm sorry," Hinata mumbled quietly. 

Suga closed his eyes and took a deep breath before pulling Hinata off my lap and into his own. "Don't worry, Hinata." Suga brushed his hair out of his face. "I think that was exactly what he needed to hear."

"I think so, too," Oikawa agreed, resting his chin on my shoulder. "So what do you say, Kaashi? You think you want to give it another try?"

"We'd be here for you no matter what," Kenma added.

Hinata sprang up for a second before Suga wrangled him back down. "You're strong! You can do it!" 

"Are you guys done with your secret meeting now?" Natsu thundered into the room, launching herself directly into Kenma's lap since he was the only person left unoccupied. He stared at her blankly, giving her head a little pat.

Hinata quickly shook off the heavy tears and flashed his sister a bright smile. "Natsu! Let's all play a game together!"

The rest of us untangled ourselves from each other so Natsu could properly give everyone a full-force hug. She jumped from Kenma, to me, to Suga, to her brother, and stopped at Oikawa, who kissed her on both cheeks and wrangled her to his chest. "My sweet Natsu!" He cooed dramatically. The five of us stood up to quickly clear our dishes so we could make room for the game, Natsu skipping along, just happy to be with us. When Oikawa brushed past my shoulders, I caught him by the wrist. The smile I gave him was weak, but it held hope nonetheless. The pat he gave my shoulder signaled he got the message my eyes were conveying:

_I want to try._

\---

_Bokuto_

"Bo."

I took a swig from my bottle. 

"Bo?" 

Wiped my face with the hem of my shirt.

_"Bo."_

I snapped around to face Kuroo, shoulders collapsed. "What, Tetsu?"

Kuroo re-racked the bar with Daichi's help and sat up on the bench. Daichi handed him his water bottle and Kuroo mumbled a quick thanks before glaring at me. "You're being all emo again today. Dude, seriously, what's going on? I expected you to be all happy and shit after last night."

"He's got a point," Iwaizumi took Kuroo's place on the bench and laid down under the bar. "You had a date with Akaashi-san last night, didn't you? You were really excited about it, too."

Daichi switched out some of the plates on the bar before taking his place to spot Iwaizumi. He glanced up at me. "What happened?"

I let out a low whine, stalling while thinking of an answer. For a moment I wished we were at the ice rink instead of this stupid private training facility. Today was Monday, so I should have seen Akaashi at the rink. But he wasn't there. I bit at my nails nervously. The though of him avoiding me broke my heart. Maybe I did something wrong, or offended him. Whatever it was, I was anxious to see him again. To apologize and to make sure he was okay. Even if he hated me, just talking to him for a second would be enough for me.

"Since he's not gonna spill, I'll go ahead and tell you guys." Kuroo threw his water down on his bag like it had personally offended him. "Bo finally told Akaashi-san how he felt."

"And?" Iwaizumi huffed out between reps.

"And the guy freaked the fuck out. Slammed the front door in his face and ran off with his tail between his legs."

I buried my face in my hands, fingers snagging in the knots of my hair. "I shouldn't have told him! Akaashi's gonna hate me _forever!"_ I groaned and sunk to the ground. 

"For the last time, Bo, he doesn't _hate_ you!" He swatted at my head with his towel. 

"Why else would he have just left like that?!"

Daichi helped Iwaizumi ease the bar down onto the rack and turned to me. "Bokuto," he sighed. "I'd hate to say it but I think Kuroo is right."

"Ohoho? Baby, you make my heart flutter." Kuroo clutched at his chest and made a kissy face at Daichi. 

Daichi leaned over and flicked the back of Kuroo's head before looking at me again. " _Anyway._ I think you might have just startled him a little bit. He was probably really nervous about the date and just had a knee-jerk reaction."

"From what Kenma's said, that's exactly what it was," Kuroo agreed. "From what I've heard, Akaashi is a little, hm, what's a good word. Like a little deer," he tapped his chin. 

"Skittish?" Iwaizumi suggested. 

Kuroo snapped his fingers and winked at Iwaizumi. "That's it. Thanks, baby."

"Shut it," Iwaizumi grumbled.

I threw my head back and let out another low whine, causing our surrounding teammates to give me a weird look. "Guuuuys, what am I supposed to do? If he doesn't like me back, I think I'm going to die."

"I think you're gonna be fine, Bokuto," Daichi said calmly. "I think Akaashi really likes you, but he's just not sure what to do."

I sighed again and switched with Iwaizumi on the bench. "What should I do when I see him again? Or say?" I took a long gulp of water. "I don't wanna do something stupid again! Whenever I see him I just get all nervous because he's just so pretty and cute and amazing!" I stomped my feet against the ground. 

"You are hopelessly in love with this guy," Iwaizumi snorted.

"And what about it?" I retorted with a laugh. 

"Hey, that sounds kind of gay." Terushima slid out from around the corner, shirt rolled up to show off his abs. He took a long swig from his water and sat down next to me. 

"Uh, yeah, that's kind of the point here," Kuroo said flatly. "Last time I checked, most of us were simping for a figure skater."

"I second that," Daichi replied.

Iwaizumi whistled. "Facts."

Kuroo stuck his tongue out at the two. "Sucks to be you."

"Not all of us have it as easy as you, jerk." Iwaizumi smacked his leg.

While the two of them argued, Terushima tapped me on the shoulder. "Hey, what's goin' on, man?" 

I sunk down into the floor. "I confessed to Akaashi, but it didn't go so well."

Terushima frowned. "Bro, really? What happened?"

I was about to explain when Coach blew the whistle, gathering everyone's attention. Ukai waved his arms, shooing our teammates out one by one. "Everyone out! If you haven't cooled down, do it fast, and don't make me stay here any later!"

"Yes, sir!" We called out. The six of us grabbed our sparse amount of belongings before running to the locker room. 

Everyone spread out across the area, hitting the showers, the sauna, or just sitting on the benches. Our little group dressing out and sitting near the lockers. 

"So tell me, Bo!" Terushima encouraged. "I wanna hear all about this date."

I frowned at the floor. "Well I told him how I felt about him, but I think I scared him off."

His usual smirk fell into something more serious. "Bro, I'm sorry. But if it makes you feel any better, that day when I went and pretended to flirt with him to check him out? It was really obvious how much he liked you."

"Thanks," I said with a half-smile. 

A scream erupted from the showers, followed by a massive crash and even more yelling. Daichi sucked in a deep breath as Tanaka and Nishinoya exploded from the showers. Noya had two freshly-taped sticks in his hands. Tanaka had three pucks. 

" _Tanaka. Nishinoya."_

Our two teammates flew upright, saluting Daichi. "Yes, sir!"

Daichi's eye twitched. "Why are you in swim trunks? And why do you have gear?"

"The pool's open! We wanted to go play water-hockey!" Noya lifted the sticks over his head.

"Yeah!" Tanaka shouted. "We're, uh, we're gonna go now!"

The two darted out the door that lead to the pool and I could see the light of patience leave Daichi's eyes.

Hanamaki slammed his locker shut and smirked at the man next to him. "Damn, water hockey? That sounds kinda hot."

Matsukawa slammed his shut and returned the smirk. "You know what I think sounds hot, bro?"

"Bro, what?" 

"You."

Hanamaki took Matstukawa's hands in his, looking him right in the eyes. "Issei, would you make me the happiest man on earth and go play water hockey with me?"

A tear fell down Matsukawa's cheek. "Whoever gets there first gets a blowjob." 

The two paused for a moment before Hanamaki whispered, "You're on." A second later, they were stripping and sprinting out of the locker room. Iwaizumi pinched the bridge of his nose. Kuroo and Terushima howled with laughter. Daichi turned around and slammed his face into the locker.

I watched in horror as our captain peeled himself from the locker, a tired look pulling his features down. He trudged toward one of our teammates at a nearby locker. "Chikara-"

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Ennoshita waved a hand over his shoulder, already halfway out the door. "I'll make sure no one gets critically injured."

Daichi sighed with relief. 

"Hey."

Ushijima settled down across from me, tugging off his socks. "Hope you all do not mind, but I heard you talking about all of your crushes on figure skaters."

"No worries, Waka!" I ripped off my sweaty shirt and replaced it with a fresh one. "All that dating stuff is kinda hard, but we don't need to talk about it!"

"Akaashi's just a little new to the dating scene," Terushima added.

"Which isn't a bad thing," Iwaizumi stated.

Ushijima stared at the lockers, gaze unwavering. "Akaashi Keiji. He is an Olympian. A very strong skater."

"Yeah! He's so good! Have you seen him skate!" 

He nodded. "I have, a few times, when I would go to competitions with Semi." He wiped at his neck with a towel. "I heard you say that you were worried about scaring him off."

"Yeah. We went on a date and I kinda confessed?"

"Well. It is not really my place to say anything, but you might want to take his self-confidence into consideration."

"Why do you say that?" Daichi asked, a throbbing red mark matching the locker vents on his forehead.

"Figure skaters are some of the most judged people on earth. He probably isn't used to this kind of attention and overthought the situation. Figure skaters are subjected to constant criticism. It can be very draining. Even off the ice, it never stops. Before Semi quit to get away from the stress, he told me a little bit about it. Male figure skaters tend to feel very trapped both inside and outside their craft. They face countless backlash about their skill, appearance, and a lot of times, have their sexuality attacked."

I felt my eyes go wide. "Are you serious? That sounds awful!"

"I can second that," Kuroo added. "Kenma doesn't get too bothered by it, since he usually cuts his seasons short when competitions he's not required to attend start up. I don't know Akaashi super super well, but it's easy to see just how much the judgement can get to him."

Ushijima nodded firmly. "It can be very hard. They really need support from their partners."

"Which is probably why Semi left your emotionally hard ass," Terushima muttered.

"Yes, that is why. However we still have sex often. We just did it yesterday in my car."

Iwaizumi and Daichi choked while everyone else burst out into laughter.

"Ushijima, you can't just _say that-"_

"Why not? It's the truth." He blinked. 

Daichi coughed a few more times before sitting up. "Anyways, I think he has a point, Bokuto. Not only is he new to dating, but he's probably worried about being judged because that's just what he's used to."

"I do not know what exactly happened between you two, but I wish you the best and I hope he makes you happy." Ushijima stood up and gathered his things. "I'm going to see Semi now."

Terushima lunged after him. "Oh? Is someone getting a dick appointment?"

"Yes. Goodbye now. See you all tomorrow."

The blonde collapsed in a fit of giggles on the ground as the other man left. I slumped against the lockers as a tornado of feelings raged on inside my gut.

"I don't like thinking about him sad," I sighed. "And I don't like _feeling_ like this. I need to talk to him."

"You have his number right? Maybe you should call him, or at least send a text?"

Daichi clicked his locker shut. "I agree. I also think that Akaashi is probably trying to figure out how to talk to you himself right now. He's quiet, and a little nonchalant, but he gets flustered when he looks at you."

I let a smile spread across my face. "Does he really?!"

"We tell you that all the time, man." Iwaizumi threw on a clean shirt. 

I ripped my phone out of my bag. "I'm gonna call Akaashi right now! What should I do?"

"I wouldn't this second. Kenma told me they're all at Hinata's right now," Kuroo said. I felt myself deflate. 

"I don't want to give up yet, but I'm not sure what to do."

"Maybe you should ask him out for a do-over," Daichi suggested.

I cocked my head. "A do-what?"

"A do-over. Another date. Tell him how you feel, talk it out with him, and if he feels the same way, ask him out on another date. Like a clean start after that sour ending."

I pushed a hand through my hair. "But what if he doesn't _like_ me anymore now?" 

Terushima righted himself on the ground before punching me on the knee. "I don't think that's the case. Also, if he doesn't see how great you are, then fuck him, man. You're great, and you deserve someone who's gonna love you back just as hard."

Kuroo whistled in agreement and clapped me on the shoulder. "Trust me, Teru, Akaashi's right for him. We just have to be patient."

My spirits lifted from their sorry state on the floor and I felt my heart get lighter. I clenched my fist at my side. _I'm gonna make him mine!_

"You know what, guys? A do-over date sounds like a great idea."

"That settles it." Iwaizumi grinned and picked up his gym bag. "You can ask him out in the morning, before their practice starts."

Kuroo pointed at Iwaizumi and Daichi. "Sounds great, but when are _you two_ gonna get your shit together?"

Our two friends went red, but Daichi's face quickly fell when a crash rattled the air followed by a very loud moan that sounded like Hanamaki. 

I snorted as Daichi gathered the rest of his sanity and promptly headed out to the pool.

"Mattsun and Hanamaki really shouldn't be allowed near Tanaka and Noya without supervision," Iwaizumi grumbled.

"Hey! Idiot duos make our team great!" I argued. 

"Not when you find Mattsun and Hanamaki fucking in the showers." Kuroo shuddered. "Ever since they started dating, they've been getting pretty risky."

I shrugged before flashing my best friend a smile. "Love comes in lots of different forms, doesn't it?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for comments and kudos baybees also sorry the gym scene is a mess idk what im doing


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so uhhhhh yeah, another off-schedule update for you guys. im so sorry about my erratic updates for this fic, my life has been a literal shit hole for the past couple of months so writing has been hard. i don't want to explain much, but i want all of you to remember these two very important things:
> 
> 1\. suicide is never the answer  
> 2\. Konoha Akinori supremacy
> 
> thank each and every one of you for reading this work. i know its bad and painfully inconsistent, but it means a lot to me that anyone has even given it a second look. this community has been the only thing keeping me going now for quite some time.
> 
> so here you go. 14k words of utter bullshit with a cute ending. take it or leave it, baby

Fearsome violins screeched while the thundering bass-line rolled through the space they didn't cover. Their voices grew more anxious by the second. The tension of the music was akin to my body-every muscle coiled like a spring, ready to burst. I whipped around along the ice with an icy glare plastered to my face. My short program was the embodiment of many things. _Agony. Tension. Intensity. A chase that kept the audience on the edge of their seat._

The fabric of my loose white tee fluttered against the skin on my back and I could feel myself losing my composure as I whipped into a butterfly-kick, legs flying until my blades met the ice with enough force to send a jolting shock through my feet. My arms lashed out gracefully at my sides in perfectly calculated, dance-like movement. _Push harder. Dig deeper._

Over the wail of the orchestra I managed to pierce a hole inside my chest. I looked through and found the flame that had been slowly nursed to life throughout the program. It flickered and whipped in black wind. 

_Start a fire in your own heart._

The seats of the stadium were smeared into a blur at my speed. I sucked in a burning breath and prepared to face the angry heat in my soul as I completed the second to last element of the program. My final was a combination jump. Putting the combination at the very end of the program would have been a risky move for most other skaters, but things such as _tiring out_ were not things I allowed to happen. My endurance was steadfast.

Shifting my body into a three-point turn I let the muscles in my legs recoil, preparing to strike again. _Triple Axel-Triple Loop combo. The burning feeling in your thighs does not exist. Skating is mind over matter._

The orchestra howled into the final section of music, a crescendo grand enough to shatter the thinning air. _Last point of the turn. Take off from the front and-_

Instead of the climax ringing out in all its glory, the speakers crackled uncomfortably and the music cut off. A moment later my ringtone jingled out into the rink. For the fifth time in a row during this run.

I cut my momentum short by turning my toes to the left and leaning back. Shavings of ice flew up into the air as I came to a halt. Mumbling expletives I couldn't even understand, I skated to the wall where I'd left my phone. 

The screen lit up with a picture of Oikawa and I, our cheekbones adorned with snowflake glitter-stamps. He wore an innocent little smile that anyone close to him would no it was anything but. After a few moments I hit the decline button. Two seconds later, it lit back up and my ringtone played over the sound system. 

_Decline_

_Ring!_

_Decline_

_Ring!_

_DE-FUCKING-CLINE_

_Ring!_

I jammed my finger into the green button this time, nearly jamming my finger, and brought the phone to my ear. _"Oikawa-san._ I mean this in the nicest way possible, but what the actual _fuck_ do you want from me at"-I lowered the phone to get a glance at the time-"eleven o'clock on a Wednesday night?" 

"Ooh, angry enough to pull an honorific on me? You know to call me _Tooru-chan,"_ Oikawa singsonged .

"And _you_ know I wouldn't call you that if you weren't pissing me off."

"So sassy tonight!"

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Oikawa, seriously. It's late."

"Do you really have the right to lecture me about how late it is?"

" _What do you want,"_ I hissed.

He sucked in a breath. "Bah! Accusing me right off the bat! Can't I just call you because I love my best friend and want to check on him?"

I sighed, unable to find it in me to be too cruel to him. "Ugh, I love you too. But seriously, why did you call? I thought I told you I was staying late tonight because I couldn't on Saturday."

"Well part of me was hoping you would have skipped out on your weekly sleep-deprived session. Though I should've known better." I could hear his bottom lip jutting out in a pout. "I was going to ask you to-"

"So you _did_ want something."

"Oh let me finish, you jerk. I was going to _invite_ you to come and join me and some friends for a little fun tonight." Music pumped in from the other line and I could vaguely make out voices.

"So you're telling me you went out."

"Yes, sir."

"On a weeknight."

"Yup!"

" _You fucking went drinking didn't you?"_

"Keiji-kun! You won't even hear me out!"

I slammed my fist against the wall and gritted my teeth. "Oikawa, what the hell? We have _practice_ in the morning. You will be around _children_ later in the day. Have you forgotten that it's your turn to work with the Skate School kids tomorrow?"

"I know that, but-"

"And did you just _happen_ to forget that we you have a competition right around the corner?"

Oikawa groaned. "Keiji, you're taking years off my lifespan as I speak. Now will you stop cutting me off so I can explain?" 

Relaxing my jaw, I pushed away from the wall. "I'm sorry for being snappy at you. Please explain why you're drinking on a weeknight." I glided listlessly around on the ice as he spoke. Aside from the few lights Konoha had left on for me, my phone was the only thing illuminating the space. 

"You know what"- Oikawa's bit back his words and heaved a sigh. "Thank you for apologizing. I'm sorry for bothering you during your session. But I really think you should come meet me at the address I just texted you." On cue, my phone pinged with an incoming message. "I convinced Iwa-chan to come sing karaoke with me!"

I snorted. "How far did you have to drag him?"

"Iwaizumi Hajime is _falling for_ yours truly and he willingly came with me," he retorted. " _Anyways,_ we were having a great time. Very minimal alcohol consumption. So we were having a great time, right? And then half of the god-damn _hockey team_ shows up."

"That would be a lot of people." I leaned back and did a lazy spin on the ice before skating off elsewhere. 

"It was a lot of people. Like four other guys."

I whistled. "Yeah, the whole team."

"It was just an exaggeration, you smart-ass. So the guys see Iwa-chan and I and they all come over and start chatting him up. I look over and you know who I saw?"

I leaned my torso forward, lifting one leg and stretching my legs deeply as I did a few spirals. "A ghost?"

"Better! It was Bokuto-san!"

My blade skidded across a deep scratch in the ice and suddenly my balance failed me. I teetered on one edge for a second before I sprawled out onto my stomach, legs sprawling out as I fell. I narrowly dodged face-planting on the ice as I caught my weight on my forearm.

Did you just-"

" _Not. A. Word."_

There were a few muffled snickers before Oikawa burst out laughing. "Oh my god! You fell because of Bokuto, _again!_ I guess you could say that you're-"

"If you turn this into a pun, I'm going to slit your throat with your own blades."

" _-head over heels for him!"_

"I am hanging up on you now."

"No, no, no, wait! I take it back! But really, though, Bokuto-san is here. He came with Sawamura-san and Kuroo-san. And you won't believe this, but Kuroo-san got Kenma to come!"

I clambered onto my hands and knees, but the slippery ice provided no friction. My knees slid apart and my hips pressed into the ice. I glared down at my hands, contemplating on how to get up, but ended up just calling it quits and pressing my chest to the ice. I propped my chin up on my hand. "Now I'm _really_ convinced you're dragging people around against their will."

"Hey, it wasn't me, it was Kuroo-san," Oikawa clicked his tongue. "Bokuto-san literally has not shut up about you all night. Even cried on Iwa-chan's shoulder and wouldn't stop wailing, _I like him soooo much_ and _Akaashi's so pretty and cool_ and every other form of praise under the sun."

My chest tightened. "H-he...he cried?"

"Oh, you bet your cute ass he did. Didn't even need a drink. Koushi!"-there were a few moments of shuffling-"Koushi-kun just got here, by the way. Is that enough to convince you to come?"

"Absolutely not," I huffed. "I can't just show up and act like everything's fine after what I did to Bokuto-san! Tooru, I'm freaking scared out of my _mind_ right now just over the thought of facing him."

"But why are you still so scared?"

I pressed my forehead to the ice. "Why would I not be? He probably totally hates me now! I can't handle hearing him reject me."

"Did you not hear anything I just said?"

"He could just be-"

"What? Drunk? For the second time, he hasn't had a sip of alcohol all night. Perfectly sober. He's not drunk. He's _heartbroken."_

"Fuck," I muttered. "This is bad."

"You really like him," Oikawa giggled.

I tipped my head back to gaze at the metal beams on the ceiling. "That's why I'm so scared."

"Stop overthinking every move you make and just let the good things come to you for once. You're not competing here, you don't have to work for anything or stress yourself out."

"But he confessed and I-"

"You did something you didn't mean to do. Don't worry, we set some things straight."

My head snapped forward. "What did you tell him?"

"Calm down. We didn't out you or tell him anything about you feel. Did you really think we wouldn't protect you?"

"Of course not," I admitted. "Sorry. I'm just a little jittery."

"It's alright," Oikawa's voice softened and I yearned for my best friend to be by my side right then. Oikawa's tongue was offensive nine out of ten times, but I found it calming. "So how about you come on down here and nip it in the bud? Come tell him how you feel _right now,_ then climb in his truck and suck his-"

"Once again, absolutely not," I interrupted. Oikawa let out a _hmph_ but let me continue. "I'm nowhere near ready to tell him yet. I need more time."

"If you keep saying that, you'll just put it off and never do it."

My legs finally found grip on the ice and I got to my knees, pushing up till I was on my feet. "Please let me have tonight at least to think about it a little more. Just let me slide from tonight's plans and I swear I'll figure it out?"

"So...I just have to let you go tonight?"

"Please," I breathed. 

"Okay!" Oikawa let out a little cheer. "I'm gonna go now, then! Have fun skating in the dark all by yourself!"

"You know I will," I grumbled. 

"Oh, and Keiji-kun?"

"Yes?" I replied, pushing off to the nearby wall."

"Don't be frowning all night. Give you wrinkles."

I clicked my tongue and pulled the phone from my ear, ending the call and cutting off Oikawa's squawking laughter. After rejecting a few more calls from him I opened my music app. The first playlist on the screen started up and gentle, soothing music filled the air. People usually made fun of others who listened to stuff like Lo-Fi, but I found it rather nice on nights like these, and no one was here to grill me on it. I tucked my phone into the pocket of my bag but when I retracted my hand, my fingers caught my wallet. I darted out to catch it with no luck, and a white rectangle of paper slid out when it hit the ice. 

The first thing I dove for was the paper. It made no difference to me if the leather wallet got wet or not. I could get another wallet. I wiped the laminated surface off on my pants and slowly flipped it over. 

A man stared back at me. He was like a mirror image of me, with black curls and blue eyes and sharp, slim features. The only differences were the subtle lines creasing his skin on his forehead and near his mouth. Tears pricked my eyes and I blinked the moisture down. 

_If only I could get another you._

I ran my finger across the white border. Dragged the tip of my thumb down the side of his head, traced his smile lines.

"I don't suppose you'd know what the hell I should do," I mumbled to the photo. It reflected the dim lights when I lifted it away from my face. "I didn't exactly get to chat with you about all this love stuff before you left."

He was smiling at me, and the merciless fists of grief ripped my stomach apart. _Was it even acceptable to find new love now that you're gone? Even if it's a completely different kind?_

A dry laugh escaped my lips. 

_Dad, I've met a boy. I've fallen. But I'm terrified of what might happen next._

 _"_ Something tells me you would've really liked him."

I returned the picture to the safety of my wallet before heading back out to the center of the rink. 

I skated for about twenty minutes in peaceful quiet until the speakers cut out again and the intercom crackled to life. 

_"Aaaaaaatention all angsty skaters! Tonight's staff will be getting the fuck out of here within the next five minutes. So if you have any requests, or any interest in finally coming to take the damn keys, please meet your gracious and smoking-hot host in the lobby. Thank you, and enjoy your night at the Tokyo Metro Ice Arena."_

"COULD YOU PLEASE BRING THEM OVER?" I yelled out, hands cupped around my mouth. 

_"We are incredibly sorry, but that service is not available to pussy-ass bitches who can't admit their feelings."_

I groaned loudly, hands flying up and tugging at my hair. "PLEASE?"

_"How about I lock up with you inside? I'm sure you'd love a sleep-over session!"_

A security camera flickered on the wall. I turned to face it and flipped it off with both hands.

_"Is that any way to be treating the generous employee who lets you skate after hours?"_

I shot my best glare directly into the camera and crossed my arms over my chest.

_"Fine, fine! I'll be there in a minute."_ The intercom cut out. With the corners of my mouth twitching into a triumphant smile, I glided to the exit and waited patiently for my delivery. 

Konoha stomped over to the ice with the hood of his sweatshirt pulled over his head. "You fucker," he shoved the keys into my chest. "Just take these so I can go. A bitch is tired, and I have four tests tomorrow."

"Thanks," I snorted. I tossed the keys over to my bag and turned to Konoha, who looked about ready to rip my throat out. "Would you appreciate a coffee tomorrow?"

His glare darkened.

"Coffee _and_ breakfast?"

He glared at me for another long moment, then grinned. "Ah, fuck. You know I can't turn down free food."

"It's the least I can do," I stepped back and held my arm out, gesturing to the empty rink. "You sure you don't wanna come skate? It's been a while."

Konoha's eyes flickered with memory and his hand came down to clasp the back of his leg. His grin returned half a second later, but it wasn't as convincing. "Akaashi-kun, _a bitch is tired._ Call me again when you've sorted out your gay panic and maybe I'll keep you company."

I paused, the previous subject slipping right through my fingers. "And who exactly told you about my so-called _gay panic?"_

Konoha laughed and crossed his arms, leaning against the wall. "I'm just cool like that. I know everything that happens in my rink."

I gave him a flat look. "Hinata ripped one of the banners down this morning."

"WHAT?" Konoha flew off the wall, eyes wide. He grabbed the front of my shirt. _"Which one? Did he hide the evidence?"_

"I was just messing with you, Akinori. Hinata-kun didn't lay a hand on any banners."

He let out a sigh of relief and pushed his bangs out of his face. "Thank god. I'm really not trying to get my teeth knocked out with a hockey puck."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "You gonna answer my question?"

He shrugged, a softer smile resting on his features. "Teammates stick together, whether it's former or current. You yourself are painfully obvious, and Bo's not exactly trying to hide his raging boner for you."

"Shut it," I snapped, punching Konoha in the shoulder. "I don't know for sure how he...feels about me."

"You're a fuckin' idiot then," he stated.

I covered my rapidly heating cheeks and screamed into my palms. "Why is _everyone_ saying that?"

Konoha rolled his eyes. "Once again, a fuckin' idiot." He slapped the wall a few times before pushing off of it and stretching his arms over his head. "Anyway, I don't feel like hanging around a loser like you any longer tonight, so I bid thee farewell." He bowed dramatically before turning on his heel and heading down the hall.

"See you tomorrow, you asshole." I waved and slowly started skating backwards.

"Yeah, yeah. Your coat's waiting for you in the lobby, so don't forget to put it on before you leave or I'll kill you." He paused and turned his head, shooting me a foxlike grin. "Expect my breakfast order in the morning."

"Wait, Konoha!" Before my brain could catch up with my body, I rushed back to the edge of the ice. Konoha paused and gazed at me expectantly. 

"H-has...has Bokuto-san said anything about me?"

"If you want to know so bad, just ask him. You've already got a question hanging over your head," he waved a hand over his head and smirked, "Just begging to be answered." With one final snicker, Konoha disappeared behind the lobby door. 

The door clicked shut in the distance, barely in earshot as I eased around the rink. Music was trickling in from the speakers, light and serene. I let my head roll back and looked at the ceiling. Dozens of large lights hung around it, connected to thick, black cords. Massive speakers looked down on the ice. 

_I need to find the strength to tell him. The only issue is, I'm not sure I possess it._

I pondered if the speakers at a karaoke joint were similar to these ones.

\---

Avoiding things you really don't want to deal with can only get you so far, unfortunately. It also isn't much help when you have four insistent friends who had congregated behind your back last night to make plans against your future attempts of escape. I had barely made it halfway through the door that morning when I'd deemed it wise to just give up and take their heat. Oikawa and Suga would take no shit from me, Hinata would just do whatever his seniors were doing, and Kenma would just trot along behind them to watch the chaos unfold. 

The regal music in the background sang louder and Oikawa veered around the rink. He swept across the ice with a regal, commanding aura. The smirk made my blood boil. If I couldn't escape him, maybe I could just kill him. That would leave me with one less person to force me into confessing my feelings to Bokuto.

Ah, yes. My warm, fuzzy, overwhelming, stupid fucking feelings. Oikawa decided I only had last night left to hide. Any day now, I could get shoved into confessing without a warning.

Hinata hooked a leg over the wall next to me and climbed up. He swung the next leg over, but lost his balance. Before he could flop onto the ice I snatched him up by the back of his hoodie and sat him down on my right. " _Sshhh_ ," I reminded him quietly. I pointed out to the ice, where Oikawa was still running his program.

"Sorry," Hinata whispered with a sheepish smile. He scooted closer and wrapped an arm around my waist. I watched Oikawa fly into the air into a Waltz jump, transitioning seamlessly into a layback spin. 

Or at least, he would have transitioned seamlessly if he hadn't fallen out of the jump. My heart stalled in my chest when his face contorted in pain when he landed. It was obvious Oikawa was trying to shake it off the best he could, lifting his free leg behind him and holding his chest up confidently. He was biting his bottom lip hard. When he came near the wall for a moment, I barely caught the scarlet tinging the skin. For the rest of his performance, he radiated the air of a confident, capable skater. It was hard to catch, but I could tell he was subtly changing elements to keep off his left foot. 

The music came to its grand end and Oikawa struck his final pose in the center of the ice, one arm draped across his waist and the other held over his head with a natural bend at the elbow. Oikawa looked powerful. He was an amazing skater, one of the best I'd ever met. 

But Oikawa was in pain. His eyes were shut tight, failing to keep back a tear. 

When he relaxed, Hinata erupted in cheers and bounced around on the wall where we sat. Sugawara was staring intently at the ice as he leaned against the wall next to Hinata. His arms were crossed over his chest and his mouth was pulled into a thin, hard line. I glanced around Suga and found Kenma. He sat on the floor at the entrance, butt on the carpet and skates on the ice. His face was hidden behind the hood of his sweatshirt, which brandished Kuroo's hockey number and name on the back. 

If that didn't make the tension anymore obvious, then Coach sure as hell did. Oikawa gingerly approached the wall, hands behind his back. He stopped halfway there and kicked awkwardly at the ice. 

"Oikawa-san."

He lifted his head, brown eyes flashing with fear. "Y-yes, Coach?"

Coach's mouth creased as his frown deepened. Even his eyebrows looked angry, thick and dark and pulled together. He jotted something into his binder before ripping out the sheet of paper and snapping it shut. He folded it in half and held it over the wall, eyes searing into the skater. 

"Oh?" Oikawa plastered on a smile-no, a mask-and skated up to the wall. "How exciting." He took the paper and began to unfold it.

Coach held up his hand in warning. "No. You will read that at home." Oikawa nodded, eyes downcast as he unzipped the pocket of his joggers and slipped the paper inside. "Now get off the ice."

"But, Coach-"

"Do not argue with me. Get off. Now."

Oikawa recoiled instantly, cowering like a kicked dog. Without looking at any of us he skated to the entrance. Kenma scooted away from him to give him enough room to exit. The brunette grabbed his guards, stuck them on, and went to sit on the bleachers. Kenma turned to look at him for a long moment before getting up and sitting next to him, nestling into his side. His hand settled on Oikawa's knee and rubbed it gently. 

Coach cleared his throat. He came up to us and stopped in between us three at the wall and the two on the bench. 

"Good job this morning, everyone. Keep an eye out for an email tonight from me. There will be one containing a video of your full run with comments, and another with some confirmations regarding the next upcoming competition." He tucked the binder into his bag and grabbed his coffee, inhaling the steam. "If you're going to take some practice time today, make it quick. I know it's inconvenient with our usual rink being shut down right now, but we'll only have to deal with it a little longer. Even so, I don't want anyone attempting to run programs in the midst of a public session." He glared at Hinata, who yipped and hid his face in my neck. 

"Do you boys have any questions?"

We all shook our heads. There was a weight in the air, crushing every particle in the rink underneath it. 

"Good. I'll see you boys tomorrow morning. Make sure you roll out properly today. Especially your quads. I don't want anyone complaining that they're tight when I drill you on split-jumps tomorrow."

There was a collective groan from all of us as we kicked off our skates and got ready to go wash up. I was turning to go to the locker room with Hinata on my arm when coach muttered something. 

"Not you. I need a word with you before you go home." 

I paused and looked over my shoulder. Oikawa stood in front of Coach, shoulders collapsed and head down. A sound similar to a growl rumbled in the back of Suga's throat. 

Coach waved us off. "Go on now. Go get changed. He'll be back soon."

I put my hand on Suga's shoulder and squeezed gently. When he turned to look at me, his gaze was sharp with anger. "He doesn't need us being mad at him, too," I whispered to him quietly. Suga studied my face for a moment. He didn't look convinced, but he let me take his hand and drag him to the locker room.

"I just don't understand what the hell he's doing," Suga muttered when the door shut behind us. With Hinata and Kenma in tow we walked deeper into the room until we reached an open area. Dark purple lockers surrounded it, a large bench in the middle.

I grabbed my suitcase from the corner I'd left it in and put it on the bench, tugging it open. "I get why you're feeling the way you are right now. Trust me, I'm mad at him too."

Our two hitchhikers dashed to the other side of the locker room while Suga grabbed and opened his own bag. We sat in silence, wiping down our skates and packing up our gear. A small eternity later, Suga finally spoke. 

"He's hiding it because he thinks it'll make us worry less."

I sighed and peeled the sweaty athletic shirt from my body, cringing at the wet fabric. "He's hiding it because he thinks it'll go away if he ignores it."

"Well, boo-fucking-hoo! It's not! And he's hurting himself!" Suga squirmed out of his tight shirt and threw it angrily down on the bench. From the corner of my eye I caught movement down the hall. Hinata and Kenma were back, the youngest had Suga's off-ice backpack in his hand and the older had my own. They stood there gawking, wide eyes staring at Suga. It was true that he was rowdy and messed around a lot, but it was very unlike him to raise his voice in anger.

The grey hoodie I pulled on was thick and warm, smelling freshly of my detergent. I took off my dirty socks and kicked out of my joggers. "Koushi," I said firmly. He threw on a black sweater and turned to look at me. 

"What? What could possibly justify any of his bullshit?"

"Nothing," I agreed. I rolled my head in circles. "Absolutely nothing, which is why Coach is finally calling him out on it."

"Well he's got another thing coming if he thinks it ends there!" Suga's head fell into his hand. "I'm pissed. I told him to fucking take it easy. And did he listen? NOPE."

I paused, taken aback by Suga's fury. Kenma's mouth froze slightly open and Hinata dove behind him. 

"I'm not going to let my best friend hurt himself so bad to the point where he has to stop skating. _Again."_ He threw the lid of his suitcase closed and zipped it up. His hands shook as he grabbed the handle. "I don't care what it takes. I'll drag him off the ice, babysit him every damn day. I'm _not_ letting any of you guys get hurt."

My heart clenched painfully. I approached him, gripping his shoulders and forcing him to look at me. "You know we love you, right? We love you so much."

Suga chuckled, and relief flowed through me at the sound. Upset Suga was the worst Suga. I brushed the couple of tears off his cheek and offered him a smile."Koushi. I know you're worried about him. We're all really worried about him right now. But now that Coach is finally confronting him about it, we all need to accept that he _knows_ he fucked up." Suga's hands clenched at his sides and I squeezed his shoulder tighter. "Us scolding him about it won't make him feel any better. You of all people should know that we just have to be there for him, right?"

He heaved a sigh, nodding his head. 

I shook him playfully, making his head loll side to side. "You're always the best at cheering people up and comforting them, no matter what happened or how bad they've screwed up. That's why we call you the _mom friend,"_ I teased. Suga finally smiled and relief coursed through me. "So let's just be there for him like we always are. If he does something stupid, we'll call him out on his bullshit. If he pushes his knee too far, you can drag him by the collar out of the rink. If he needs a hug or a shoulder to cry on or whatever, we'll give him that too."

"That goes without saying." Suga rubbed at his eyes with the heels of his hands. "You guys are my best friends. I just want to protect you all, you know?"

"We know," I smiled at him. "And Oikawa loves you for it. He may be mad now, but that's only temporary. It's our job to cheer him up when he gets back here."

"He's really gonna need it." Kenma approached the bench and dropped our bags on it. "Coach is grilling him."

Suga's face scrunched up in angry thought. A moment later the muscles in his face softened into his wild grin. He covered his mouth as laughter began flowing out. "Oh my _god,"_ he inhaled, "He's really gonna get it!"

"Someone needs to volunteer to babysit tonight, and it's not going to be Kuro and I."

While Suga cry-laughed into Kenma's chest, I quickly threw on a clean pair of black jeans and slipped behind the wall of lockers. Hinata was sitting on the step, his back pressed against the metal doors. His feet tapped uncontrollably on the ground as he fumbled to pull on a clean jacket. His features were a heartbreaking mix of scared and anxious, brows drawn together with the corners of his mouth low.

I sat down next to the younger boy and pulled him close, ruffling his hair. "Hey. I know that face."

"I'm not making a face," he retorted, bouncing his heel on the ground.

My hand settled on his knee, gently yet firmly holding down to keep the bouncing at bay. "You are, Hinata. I know you're worried."

"But how could I not be?" he blurted. He grabbed the front of my hoodie and pulled my face in close to his. "If Oikawa has to take a break from skating again, he'll be heartbroken! I don't wanna see him like that again, ever!" Massive brown eyes were wide with fear. That fear was strong, almost overbearing, but not nearly as much as the love I could feel pouring out of him. That's just who Hinata was-a big, energetic, impulsive bundle of love that exploded in your face and never left you alone.

I combed his hair out of his face with my hands before pulling some sweatpants out of the open bag at his feet, placing them in his lap. Hinata let out a whine before shimmying out of his practice clothes and putting on the clean pants. When he sat back down, I held my arm out and let him settle against my side. "He's going to be okay, Hinata. Oikawa knows what to do now, and he's going to do it properly this time."

"But what about Coach?" Hinata pressed. His hands flew up wildly in the air. "What if Coach hates him? He looked so mad! And he's scary when he's mad!"

"Coach does not hate him, Hinata." I reached up and grabbed his wrists, bringing hid hands down. "He's mad, but he doesn't hate any of us. He's probably just telling Oikawa what he needs to do in order to skate safely and prevent any more damage to his knee."

Hinata's bouncing faded out and he finally calmed down, leaning the rest of his weight against me. He spoke again, voice soft and laced with fear. "Seeing Oikawa land that jump earlier on his bad knee. It was just like last time. I was so afraid he was going to collapse like last time," his hands started fumbling around again and I laced our fingers together. It was a nervous habit just like mine. Holding onto his hands was keeping my own from tearing each other apart. "It made me think of that day, and it made me really scared. If one of us had to call the ambulance..." He trailed off and buried his face in my shoulder.

I stroked his hair lovingly, pulling him closer. "That's never going to happen again," I said firmly. "We won't ever let it happen again." I pulled away from him and cupped his face in my hands. "Hinata, can you look at me?"

His eyes fluttered from the ground, to the wall, then finally landed on mine. 

"Oikawa wouldn't still be skating today if you hadn't called that ambulance. He does not hate you for it. He's _grateful_ that you did it. He loves you just as much as you love him. Like Suga said, we are his best friends. We won't ever let him get hurt again like that, right?"

Hinata stayed silent for a long time. A flurry of eyelashes blinked his remaining tears away and his face burst into a smile. "You're right, Kaashi. We're gonna be the greatest best friends ever!"

"There you are," I smiled lovingly at him. 

"I love you guys so much!" He grabbed my face, kissing my forehead before rubbing the tips of our noses together, then leapt up from his seat. "I gotta go now though. Kageyama and I are going to pick up Natsu. See you later!" Hinata strangled me into a hug and took off full-speed across the locker room, yelling, "KENMAAAA!!!" at the top of his lungs.

Suga's head whipped around the wall and relief coursed through me when I saw him smile. He cupped his hands over his mouth. "HINATA! DON'T RUN IN THE LOCKER ROOM!"

\--- 

A fat, long nap and some hot food were the two highly anticipated things waiting for me back at my apartment after practice. Yet the human race will never overcome the curse of accidents and unexpected changes of plans.

Not that I really minded this time, however. I didn't mind doing things that helped keep Oikawa safe, even if it meant a cancellation of my nap. For the remainder of my afternoon I was on the ice teaching Skate School in Oikawa's place. He kept me fed well with coffee and snacks throughout the hours. 

Grasping my last shred of patience, I turned to the horde of children in front of me and clasped my hands together. I didn't know what the hell their parents fed them, but they were especially rowdy today. If I had ice kicked at me one more time, I was positive someone would take their final breath.

"Okay, guys!" I smiled widely at them. "With everything I taught you in mind, let's spread out and practice swizzles! Where should your weight be when you're skating backwards?"

"The front of your foot!" A chorus of cheers erupted from the children. They sped off across the ice without giving me a second look and started diligently practicing the movements. Heaving a sigh I turned and skated to the wall. 

"Tired yet?" Oikawa asked with a smirk. He took a long sip from his coffee and held the cup out for me. 

I took the straw into my mouth and sighed in pleasure at the sweetness. "Are you kidding? My cheeks literally hurt from smiling so much."

Oikawa let me take the cup and kicked his legs back and forth. He was sitting on top of the wall facing the ice, our stuff on the floor on the other side. "Honestly? I didn't expect you to do so well with them, since you usually only teach the older ones."

In a near corner of the rink, a little girl with midnight-black hair lost her balance and took a tumble, sliding a few feet across the ice on her butt. Oikawa lurched forward, institutionally trying to hop off the wall and run to her. I caught him around the waist and heaved him back up, sitting him down on the wall. "Miwa-chan!" Oikawa called. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine!" The girl shot a glare at Oikawa and climbed unstably to her knees. Her face was pulled tight in focus, like she was dead-set on being the best at simply getting up. 

Oikawa squeezed his eyes shut and forced a smile. "Just be careful! One foot back on the ice at a time!" 

The girl barked at him again and bared her teeth, making Oikawa winced. He turned to me and reached pitifully for me. "How is a child this scary?" he whined. 

"She's got spunk," I agreed, pressing closer to the wall until it was against my back. Oikawa scooted closer happily. "Been giving it to me all day." I allowed him to pull my between his knees and rest his chin on my head.

"Miwa-chan has already decided she is to be, hmm, what did she say? Oh, I remember. _The bestest female figure skater in all of Japan."_ He pressed his cheek to the top of my head. "She's relentless."

I patted the outside of his thigh and laughed, accepting the straw he held to my lips. "I think you'll be okay, Tooru. She'll learn in time what is appropriate and what isn't, and her attitude will change."

" _Hopefully,"_ Oikawa groaned. He swiped the coffee away and balanced it on the wall. "I'm one backhanded compliment away from putting her in the ground."

I turned slightly so I could face him, shooting him a questioning stare. "Do you really want a fight with an eight-year-old tarnishing your record?"

"No," he pouted. "I _know_ that they're just little kids. But seriously, how do these parents do it?"

"Good thing you're gay, you'll never have to know." The laugh in my throat faded and I turned my gaze to his leg. I placed my hand over the brace and rubbed it gently. "How's it feeling?"

He flinched a little bit at first, then relaxed his leg at my touch. "It's not so bad. The pills kicked in ages ago. It's not like I can't _walk_ anymore, so don't be so worried."

"You could barely walk on your own out of the locker room," I deadpanned. "I'm one step away from getting you a wheelchair."

"Keiji, I'm _fine."_

My hand paused on his knee. "You gonna tell that to Coach? Correct me if I'm wrong, but you're in time-out the rest of the week."

"You bitch." He glared at me and I dodged a flick to the forehead. 

"Yes, I'm such a bitch for looking out for my best friend." I pulled away for him and went to the space next to him, leaning over the wall. "Do you have any more fruit?"

"There's a bento if you want an actual meal," he informed me.

I picked up one leg and waved my skate at him. "Yeah, because it's normal for me to whip out chopsticks and eat an entire meal on the ice."

"Front pocket." I heard his eyes roll back in his head. Following his instructions I unzipped the compartment and pulled out two plump apples. I grabbed them both, tossing one of them to Oikawa when I stood back up. 

I sank my teeth into the fruit, reveling in the sweetness. "Is everyone still coming by later?" I asked mid-chew.

Oikawa took a dainty bite and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He shifted to grab his phone from his pocket and unlocked it, eyes skimming the screen. "Koushi said he's on his way, but I don't know how long it'll be since he had work this afternoon and didn't come in his car."

I cocked an eyebrow. "He didn't drive himself?"

He hid his smirk behind his apple. "You haven't figured it out yet?"

"Don't be a jerk."

"Oh sorry, I forgot you had a two-track mind." He munched on his apple. 

"Isn't the saying _one-_ track mind?" I nibbled at the last bit of flesh on the core.

"Well for you it used to be one. All you ever thought about was skating and you were socially oblivious." He finished off his apple and dropped the core into a plastic bag. 

"So what changed?"

"Well now all you think about is skating and Bokuto-san! However you're still socially oblivious." My apple core bounced off his cheek and fell into his lap. He grinned, unfazed. "If you weren't, you would've noticed by now that Koushi has upped his flirting game."

"So... He's been hanging out with _Sawamura?"_

"That would be correct. And if our little Koushi plays his cards right, they'll be doing a lot more than just _hanging out."_

My jaw hit the floor. I lifted a shaky hand as heat flooded my face. "Y-you mean...They're gonna-" I stuttered.

Oikawa waved a hand at my face. "You poor, pure little virgin. Although it's probably not too far from the truth, I'm just messing with you. They're just friends. They hang out with each other almost every week, but according to Koushi he's painfully dense."

" _Holy shit."_ My lungs deflated in my chest. " _Tooru there are kids here."_

"And they're literally not paying attention to us at all." Oikawa grabbed the top of my head and forced me to look at the kids. They were spread out in either small groups or on their own, not a single one paying us any mind. Oikawa turned me back to him and released me. "It's pretty hard to watch everything go over Sawamura-san's head, but it's nothing compared to you."

My eyes shot open and tried to shove at him, but he ducked. "You freaking suck, did you know that?"

Oikawa reached over the wall and produced my glasses from our bags, sitting back up with a shit-eating grin. "If you're talking about Iwa-chan, then that's the plan," he winked and grabbed my wrist, pulling me to him. I reluctantly leaned in and let him place the dark frames on my nose. "You think I'm being a jerk, but I'm actually helping you out here."

"Taunting me over my feelings for Bokuto-san makes you a good person?"

" _No,"_ he retorted, sticking his nose up. "Giving you pushes in the right direction makes me a good friend. You wouldn't have even _talked_ to Bokuto if it weren't for us."

I cringed. "Okay, okay, don't keep rubbing my nose in it." I glanced out at the kids and waved at two girls who were smiling at me. "It's not my fault I don't have a clue what I'm supposed to do in this kind of situation."

"And that's why we're here." Oikawa unlocked his phone again and tapped a note out before dropping it in his lap. "It's perfectly fine for you to feel scared. I know you're hesitant when it comes to getting to know new people," he kicked me in the back gently. "But there's no way I'm going to let you be scared _forever._ Keep on running from your feelings and you'll miss your chance. Do you really want to carry around that regret?"

I grabbed his ankle and tossed his leg away. "Stop saying I'm _running_ from my feelings. I admitted to you guys that I liked him, didn't I. And that I think he's funny, and cute, and..." My face grew hot. "...and really freaking sweet."

"You freaking like him!" Oikawa threw his arms in the air and groaned. "You like him but you won't tell him how you feel, even though he _confessed!_ He asked you out and confessed and you're _still_ avoiding him! _That's_ running!" 

A few kids nearby on the ice, along with the handful of parents watching from the bleachers, fixed Oikawa and I with weary glances. He shot glares at the parents until they hurriedly looked away and waved sweetly at the kids before turning to me. He grabbed me by the shoulders and looked me in the eyes.

"Akaashi Keiji. You are one of the most talented and intelligent people I know. Hot, caring, kind, and an absolute beast on the ice." He released my shoulders and reached up to squish my cheeks together, forcing me to meet his gaze. "You are also an idiot. A big, stupid idiot who refuses to see what's _right in front of him._ I gave you last night to wallow by yourself. But now, I've lost my patience."

I tugged at his wrists, but his hold didn't falter. "Tooru, you don't understand. This could all be some sick joke. What if I talk to him and he says _haha sorry this was all a prank and you're a nasty-ass homo._ What if it all crashes and burns and-"

"If that's what it ends up being, I'll rip his heart out and shove it up his ass," Oikawa squeezed my face. "But that's _not_ going to happen, because Bokuto-san isn't that kind of person."

"We don't even know him that well!"

"Do you really feel like you need some sort of background check on him? Seriously, Keiji, look at him! He's like a puppy! _He told you he liked you!"_

"I know you're right." I dropped my hands from his wrists and pressed my forehead to his chest. "But that doesn't make this any less terrifying for me. I'm in the dark here. I'm afraid of diving headfirst into something I've never experienced before and ruining it."

Tooru's arms looped around my shoulders. "You've already told us that. But you of all people should know better about fear."

"What about it?"

"That you have to overcome it. Take the bull by the horns and just go for it. Do you remember what you told me years ago at our first competition together?"

I lifted my head and gave him a puzzled look. "What?"

"You told me this-'Fear is in your head. Thinking about fears does not resolve them, but action does.' End quote." He pulled me off his chest and forced me to stand up straight. "I'm starting to think someone isn't practicing what they preach."

I toed at the ice. "This is a totally different situation. That was during a performance."

"Doesn't that make this better, though? This isn't a performance. You're not in front of a panel of snobby judges. No criticism, no audience, no score, nothing."

"Bokuto-san could be judging me-"

"But he _won't._ This doesn't determine your worth in any way, shape, or form. Quit overthinking every step you take. Suck it up and just tell him how you feel or _I will."_

"Oh yeah? And what about you and Koushi?" I jabbed a finger at him. "Have you two _sucked it up_ and confessed yet?"

He humphed and crossed his arms. "Don't try to flip this on us. You're the one who refuses to take action on their feelings, not us."

I opened my mouth to argue, but was cut off by the sound of an alarm. I fished my phone out of my pocket and silenced it. "We'll finish this conversation later. Your ass better still be here when I get back, or I _will_ be strapping you to a wheelchair."

"Booooo," I heard Oikawa moan as I skated away from the wall.

I arrived in the center of the ice and the kids clustered around me. A little girl with her hair in a thick braid down her back latched onto one of my legs and smiled up at me. "You're the best teacher ever, Akaashi-san!"

"Did you really go to the Olympics?" another girl piped up, stopping in front of me. 

I was bombarded with questions and comments as the girls pressed in closer, tugging at my sleeves and even ogling at my skates. 

"Teach me to do a spin just like you!"

"What's that big jump we saw you do earlier, Akaashi-san?"

"Your costumes this year are so pretty!"

"Can you do a show for us, Akaashi-san? Please, please!"

Both of my hands were grabbed and I pulled them away gently, smiling at the kids and patting their heads. "Uh, maybe another time? Practice is over now, and I'm sure your parents want you to go home..."

"I want to stay longer!" one girl shouted. 

"Me too!" another agreed. 

More and more girls were chiming in at a mile a minute around me, and my head nearly started spinning. In the corner of my eye I spotted the crowd of impatient looking parents at the walls. Some waited with their arms crossed, others scrolled through their phones or read books, and a few flat-out glared at me.

_"Good afternoon! Thank you very much for attending our Skate School session. The ice will be opening up to the public in five minutes. Please vacate the rink or come to the lobby and purchase a ticket for the public session. Have a good day."_ The intercom cut off with a sharp sound, like when someone hangs up a phone. I managed to politely shoo the girls off in the direction of the exit, detaching the few from my legs.

The sound of ice scraping behind me caught my attention. I turned to find Konoha in front of me, dressed in a pair of Adidas joggers and his collared uniform shirt. He kicked his foot up and wiggled his skate in my face, sending water flying everywhere. "Hey, hey, whaddayathink?"

"Akinori? You're..."

"Skating? Sure am. But enough of that, check out these new boots." He shook his foot again, lifting it higher, causing him to wince and let it fall back to the ground. "It feels so weird, man. Like I'm gonna fall every five minutes if I move too fast."

Pride tickled my chest and I smiled at him. "I haven't seen you in skates since you were sixteen. I'm shocked you still can."

"Oh shut the fuck up. It's muscle memory, thank you very much. Now are you going to tell me how cool these boots are or am I going to have to step on your stupid face with them?"

"They're very cool," I chuckled, glancing down at the hockey skates. "So what made you suddenly want to come back out? And does"-I gestured to his leg-"That hurt at all?"

Konoha scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "Nah, not really. The therapy's been working wonders on me. I just can't stretch it too far before it starts hurting." He clapped the back of his thigh and smirked at me. "You lookin' for excuses to cop a feel?"

I rolled my eyes. "In your dreams."

"Very good dreams, indeed," Konoha released an ugly snort. "Ah, anyway. It doesn't really affect my movement much anymore, except for that. And just an FYI, my thighs have never felt less amazing, fuck you very much."

"So why are you out here right now?" I ignored his comment.

"You're a buzzkill, you know that?" Konoha shoved a hand in his pocket. "Dad hired some new employees, so they're gettin' trained behind the counter. I would've done it myself, but apparently I'm, in my dad's words, _too lazy to be training people."_ He scrunched up his face and deepened his voice to mimic the stern man. "So due to my laziness, I got put on monitor duty." He popped the collar on his shirt. "Pretty cool, huh?"

"Very," I laughed. "So who's the new employee?"

Konoha shuddered and shot an annoyed look toward the lobby. The rink was slowly starting to buzz back to life as public patrons filed in. "A brat with a shit attitude and an even shittier haircut. I fuckin' swear, he looks like he's straight outta _Angry Birds._ Taichi's the one training him. I feel bad." He flew backwards and veered to a halt at my side and pushed something into my hands. 

I looked down at the blue paper wristbands in my palm. "What are these for?" I thumbed through the stack, which was a lot thicker than it should have been. "And why so many?"

"Well, since I am an amazing friend, I worked some magic so you and your less-cool friends could stay for the public session. On the house." He clapped me on the back. The smirk developing on his lips sent chills down my spine. 

"Thank you for this, but seriously, why are there so many? It's just Oikawa, Suga, and I... _oh my god."_

The lobby door swung wide open, welcoming in a pack of four or five men with skates tucked under their arms. They were bigger and flashier than rental skates, black boots with white blades. _Hockey skates._

Which really wasn't much of a shock, because the guys entering the rink all wore tees with the same team logo over the chest. Bokuto, Daichi, and Iwaizumi were in the front of the pack, two guys I'd never seen before walking behind them. My mouth dropped open as I watched them pick out a spot on the bleachers and throw down their things. 

"I'm counting on you to give them their wristbands. You wouldn't want me getting in trouble now, would you?" Konoha dropped his head on my shoulder.

I swiped at him, but he dodged and flew backward on the ice. I fixed him with a dark glare. " _You scheming bitch."_

"You know it! Oh, and you're welcome. Gotta go!" Konoha kicked the ice, sending shavings flying up into my face, then fled to the edge of the rink to help a pair of young kids who'd fallen on their asses. 

Red clouding my vision, I wiped the water from my face and shoved the wristbands in the pocket of my jeans. _Fuck. I can't skate in these pants for much longer._ I peered warily at the pack of athletes. They hadn't seen me yet, or hadn't reacted if they had. _But how am I supposed to get past that?_

I was ripped from my thoughts when two hands shoved themselves underneath my arms, and suddenly I was upside down. I shook my head rapidly, trying to regain my bearings as the world began swaying back and forth. 

My face was pressed into something soft. I groped blindly for something and met thick fabric. "What the-"

"If you fight me on this, I'll end your life," a voice I registered as Suga's sang. "We're gonna get you into something more comfortable first."

"First? What's _next?_ Tooru is-"

Suga jostled me on his shoulder, giving my back a pat. "Tooru is currently under supervision." We made it to the exit and Suga groaned slightly under my weight as he bent down and unlaced his skates. Once they were off, he handed them to me and started off in a new direction. "He'll be here in a minute to help doll you up, or whatever he said."

I held the skates by the blades and craned my neck to stare at my friend. "Wait, for what exactly?"

He grinned down at me and threw a door open. The smell of the locker room surrounded us. "For your confession, of course!"

A long groan rolled through my chest as I let my neck go slack, head bouncing against his back as I allowed myself to be carried to my inevitable doom.

\---

"Keiji, my dearest best friend, whom I love very much. If you don't stop moving, I'm going to sit on you."

I groaned, batting away the hairbrush and crossing my arms. Suga had me sat on the toilet in the handicapped stall, a hand on me at all times to assure I wouldn't bolt. A pampering session in a public locker room was the absolute last thing I wanted to be a part of right now.

But then again, if I was going get my heart stomped on today, I might as well look decent for the event.

Suga had me dressed in a big, grey pullover fleece with white drawstrings and tight black athletic pants. They were a bit tighter than I was usually used to wearing while skating, but it didn't restrict my movements, so I wasn't about to risk my life and complain to him. He stood over me in the dimly lit stall fussing over my hair, hands dragging delicately through my curls. 

One of his fingers caught on a knot and he yanked through it, pulling a pained yelp out of my throat. Suga retracted his hand and glared at me, like the knot's very existence was my fault and he was thoroughly offended. "Do you _ever_ brush this rat's nest? Every time I get a knot out, like, three more appear."

"Are you _ever_ gentle? Maybe if you'd stop ripping my hair it wouldn't be such a mess." I dodged the hairbrush again and ran my hands over the top of my hair. "Let's just wait for Tooru to get here to worry about my stupid hair."

Sighing, Suga gave up on his efforts to tame my "rat's nest" and cast the brush aside. He walked up to the door and rummaged through the backpack hanging on it. When he found what he was searching for, he let out an "A-ha!" and pivoted on his heel. In his hand was a jumble of fluffy white fabric. He walked back to me and held it out. "Okay. Last part of the outfit."

"What's that?" I took it warily and rubbed the material between my fingers.

"It's an infinity scarf." Suga pulled it out of my hands and gathered the fabric. He placed the scarf over my shoulders and looped it a few times until it was piled around my neck. He stepped back and scanned me up and down. "Perfect," a small smile crept onto his lips. "The outfit is complete. You look freakin' adorable." 

"You sound like Tooru right now," I moaned. "Why must you two always worry about outfits and appearances?"

"Oh, we don't worry about our appearances," he snorted. "We just enjoy looking cute and seducing hot men with said cuteness."

"You're a devil, Sugawara Koushi."

"You must be new." He winked at me over his shoulder.

There were a few moments of silence between us until the pounding of feet filled the air. The stall door shuddered as a fist banged on it and a pair of clean sneakers appeared underneath the door. 

"Let me in, losers!"

"You can stop knocking now!" Suga snapped. He unlocked the stall door and flung it open to reveal Oikawa. The brunette smiled brilliantly and stepped into the stall, but the smile immediately crumbled when Suga fixed him with his stern gaze.

The tension between them created static in the air. I froze in place, afraid that any sudden movement would make one of them snap. The haunting presence of unspoken words hazed the small space. Oikawa stepped in and closed the stall door behind him. Suga immediately turned away from him, busying himself with packing up our belongings.

_What the hell was going on between these two?_

Oikawa swiped the fallen tears away and trotted over to me like there were no problems at all. "Alright, enough of this! Let's see what we can do about that hair of yours."

"It can't be that bad, right?" I complained, letting him sit me back down on the toilet. This felt too weird, too strained. This wasn't the usual loving friendship the two shared at all. Oikawa smiled and blinked back tears every so often. Suga's eyebrow twitched. My body went rigid and I held my tongue in fear for my safety. It felt best to leave it be. We would resolve it in due time, when all five of us were together, or hopefully they would on their own.

_Why has there been so much crying this damn month? I've never cried this much in my life since dad left. Now them too?_

He went to work instantly, producing a comb from who knows where. The curls untangled easily under his careful touch. They yielded to his commands and settled neatly atop my head. 

"See, Koushi?" Oikawa grumbled at him. "You don't have to be so rough."

"It's not my fault I'm not good with thick, curly, beautiful, flawless hair like Akaashi's." Suga kept his back turned to Oikawa.

"It's against Koushi-chan's nature to be anything but rough," Oikawa hummed, palming a small amount of product into my hair. "Sawamura's gonna have quite the handful to deal with."

"And he'll enjoy every minute of it when I finally catch him," Suga said tightly. I sat wordlessly while Oikawa put the finishing touches on my hair. 

Twenty minutes later, my promised makeover was complete. I slid a fresh pair of skating socks onto my feet and shoved them into my sneakers. Oikawa padded up to me and took my face into his hands. "You ready to go confess to Bokuto-san that you've got a big, disgusting, gushy crush on him and that you want his dick in your mouth?"

Suga finally faced Oikawa to smack him upside the head. "Reel it in, Tooru," he growled. 

Oikawa rolled his eyes and pouted. His eyes were glossy and clouded, darting to Suga and hurriedly tearing away. "Fine, fine. Ready for all of that, minus the last thing?" He smirked and said in a lower voice, "For the time being, at least."

I stared at him flatly. "I think I'll just run away, thanks."

"Sorry gorgeous, but I've collaborated with Konoha-chan and cut off all your escape routes." He patted my cheek lovingly. "Your days of running away are over now. One way or another, gay feelings will be exchanged tonight. Now you have about thirty seconds to decide whether _you'll_ be the one to tell him," he draped a tentative arm around Suga's shoulder. Suga tensed at his touch, anger flashing over his face. He relaxed a moment, but didn't look at Oikawa or lean into him. "Or _we_ will!"

I buried my face in my hands and let out a silent scream. "You guys are gonna kill me."

The two ignored me. Oikawa linked their arms and pulled him out of the stall. "You'll thank us later!" he crooned over their shoulders in unison. Suga let himself be dragged like a rag doll at his mercy, an unreadable expression on his face.

_What the fuck._

I followed behind watched their backs retreat from the locker room. Once they were gone and the room went quiet, I whirled around and banged my head against the wall a few times for good measure.

\---

"Coming in on your right!"

" _Your_ left or _my_ left?"

"Bo, I swear to GOD-"

"You can't get mad at me because your aim's shit!"

"You better get that fat ass over here before I-"

"KUROO. BOKUTO. SHUT _UP."_

Kuroo and Bokuto skittered to a halt, banging into each other in the process. A hockey puck floated casually across the ice, bumping against Bokuto's skate. The athlete turned to his best friend and frowned at him. "So it was _my_ left."

Kuroo's golden eyes flickered in anger and he took the other man into a headlock in the middle of the ice. A few passing patrons shot them scared glances or just skated away as fast as possible. A slightly shorter man approached them and ripped them apart by the collars of their shirts. I snatched up my glasses and threw them on. When my vision cleared, I recognized this other man as Daichi Sawamura. 

"We're in public! Tone it _down."_ He knocked their heads together, the crack of their foreheads meeting almost audible from my place at the wall. Bokuto and Kuroo righted themselves, nodding sheepishly. 

"Sorry, Daichi," they said in unison. Bokuto bent over and scooped up the puck.

Daichi pressed his fists into his eyes before swiping the puck from his hands. He opened his mouth to protest, but Daichi shut him up. 

"What is this?" He held it up in front of their faces.

"A puck," Kuroo muttered.

"And what is it _not?"_

Bokuto mumbled something inaudible. He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his grey joggers.

"Didn't catch that."

"...are you really gonna make me say it?"

Daichi crossed his arms over his chest.

"Okay, okay, fine! It's not a soccer ball!" Bokuto threw his head back and groaned. "Stop giving us the glare of death already!"

Kuroo pressed his hands together and bowed his head. "Please spare us, dad."

A boy with close-cropped pinkish brown hair flew into view and stopped at Daichi's side. Not too far behind him was a boy with shaggy black hair, thick eyebrows, and an unbothered smirk. 

"Uh oh. You seein' what I'm seein', Takahiro?" The boy with thick brows cocked the corner of his mouth.

The one with shorter hair put on a matching grin. "Daddy's mad."

I tugged at Oikawa's sleeve. "Do you know who those guys are?" I whispered to him. 

"Not sure. I've seen them before, _but-ooh."_ his head snapped to the side and I followed his eyes to the rink entrance, where Iwaizumi Hajime was stepping onto the ice. "Put a pin in that, would ya? Gotta go!" He gave my shoulder a pat and whipped around.

Sugawara appeared half a second later in his path, causing Oikawa to bang into him and stumble backward. He caught him by the forearms, dragged him to the nearest table, and sat him down with a shove. 

"And where exactly were _you_ going?" His icy glare made Oikawa squirm.

"Anywhere you're not," Oikawa bit back. I tiptoed up to the bench, lingering a few feet away. My hands moved restlessly at my sides, tugging at the drawstrings of my hoodie.

"I know being a little fucking shit is in your nature Tooru, but you need to put a cork in it before I pop you in the mouth."

"Then stop acting like my mother and let me go!"

Suga exhaled heavily. His gaze flickered to the man entering the ice and then back to Oikawa. "You wanna see him, right?" He jutted his chin in Iwaizumi's direction. 

Oikawa leaned back against the table. "And if I do?"

Suga's expression softened. "Then I won't get in the way of that."

"Fucking finally." Oikawa shifted his weight to his feet. "Now leave me-"

Suga shoved him back onto the seat. "Let me finish. I'm not going to get in the way of that, _but,_ I'm not going to let you fuck up your knee in the process." He turned around and jogged up to the ice. Cupping his hands over his mouth, he yelled, "IWAIZUMI-SAN!"

The harsh-looking man lifted his head at the call. He stared at Suga questioningly and came to him when he beckoned him with a hand. Iwaizumi nodded intently as Suga spoke, too far away for me to hear. A moment later they separated. Iwaizumi removed his skates and followed Suga to the bench.

Oikawa's eyes peeled open. He lurched forward and grabbed my shoulders, shaking me slightly. 

"Do I look okay? Am I a mess? How's my hair? Does my breath stink?"

"You're _fine,"_ I eased him back down and patted his head. "Why are you so nervous all of a sudden? I thought you were all cool and confident around Iwaizumi-san."

"I am," he said dully. "But only when I know I look like a whole meal."

"You're fine."

Iwaizumi and Suga reached the table. As soon as the man was within arm's reach, Oikawa grabbed him by the hand and pulled him down onto the bench. "Iwa-chan!" He rested his chin on his shoulder and batted his eyelashes. "Did you come to keep me company?"

The man lowered his brows and reached up and delivered a hard flick to Oikawa's forehead. "No, you idiot. I came to _babysit_ so you don't hurt yourself."

My jaw dropped to the floor. I gaped at Iwaizumi, and then turned to Suga, who picked at his nails with a bored expression.

Oikawa's eyes widened and he smiled, wide and pure. He threw his arms around Iwaizumi's shoulders. "Of course you came to keep my company. It's okay, I missed you too!" 

The other man's cheeks flushed red as Oikawa nuzzled his nose into his throat. He glared at the ground with an annoyed expression, but promptly threw an arm around him, pulling him against his side like it was only natural. "Zip it. You should be mortified I have to come babysit you."

"Oh, but I'm not," Oikawa purred. He slid his hand down his bicep, fingers ghosting over the skin.

"Akaashi-san!" Iwaizumi jumped. "Konoha-san told me you had our wristbands?"

I stared at him for a minute before snapping out of it. "O-oh. Yeah, I do. I actually have everyone's so I'll just-"

"He'll just go with Koushi-chan to deliver the rest," Oikawa interrupted. "Trust me. Kaashi has something important he needs to tell Bokuto-san anyway." He fixed me with a smirk and my fist twitched with the desire to deck him.

Iwaizumi furrowed his brow. He raised a hand, but something akin to understanding filled the harsh green eyes. "I see." He sat back with a small smile. Oikawa dove into his side. "We'll leave it you."

My eye twitched and I reached into my pocket, grabbing the wristbands. I laid the papers on the table next to Oikawa.

I shot my hand down to Oikawa's side and pinched the skin sharply. Ignoring his squawk, I nodded. "Thank you very much for babysitting my troublesome friend. Hopefully I can find a way to repay you."

A deep, throaty roar sounded off from the middle of the rink. Bokuto had Kuroo in a headlock now. He dragged the raven across the ice as Daichi stared at them with dead eyes.

Iwaizumi let out a low chuckle. He made eye contact with me, eyes strong and firm. "You will. Don't worry about it.”

_Why do I feel threatened now?_

All the moisture in my mouth went dry. Suga slipped an arm around my waist, bidding the pair goodbye with a smile as he lead me to the ice. I had all of thirty seconds to compose myself while he ripped off our guards, cast them aside, and set me down on the ice.

"Don't be falling all over yourself now, our precious Olympian." Suga patted my cheek.

Most of the tension building in my chest was released when my blades hit the ice and I connected to my element. Energetic pop music mixed with the sound of cheering skaters and metallic scratching. Once a spot cleared up nearby, I flew right into it, leaning back and easing into a spin with my arms held over my head in a gentle curve. It felt right, natural and easy. 

_What was I so nervous about again?_

"AKAASHI!!!"

Fortunately for me, I had both feet on the ice by the time that familiar voice called my name. I peered over my shoulder in the direction of the sound, and my chest imploded. My eyes never left Bokuto as he excused himself from his friends and raced across the ice toward me.

_Oh, that was why._

When Bokuto was only a few feet away, he glanced downward and his gaze stalled on my lower half. His skates dug into the ice as he stopped abruptly. With a gaze that made me squirm in place, his eyes slowly raked up and down my body.

My hands clasped behind my back awkwardly. _What is he staring at? Are these pants too tight? Do they look weird? Is there something on my clothes?_

Although his sudden quietness was unnerving, I dove for what might be my one and only chance to stare at him. Bokuto was in a loose-fitting tee that looked to be from a hockey tournament, and grey joggers that hugged his thighs and hips in a way that made my insides boil. _Fuck, he looks so good._ It was mind-boggling to me how he could look so hot in just sweats and a tee. What was even _more_ mind-boggling was the little knot of pure heat welling up in my lower abdomen. It was tight, pleasant yet unpleasant, and just so _hot_ that I...

_...did I just get a boner?_

Bokuto blinked and lifted his head to look at me. He moved closer until one of his feet were nearly between mine. Fingertips brushed a flyaway curl away from my forehead and I nearly shuddered at the touch. "You look really nice," he breathed out, a slight strain in his voice.

_Yep. Definitely have a boner._

"Y-you too, Bokuto-san." I took in slow breaths in attempts to slow my racing heart. 

"Yeah, but you look good all the time!"

I swallowed thickly, fighting the urge to cross my legs. Seriously, when was the last time this happened to me? I was a man. It was a normal thing. But this particular situation was most certainly _not_ normal. I was getting light-headed.

"Akaash?"

"H-here!" I yipped. I grabbed the front of my sweater and shoved it down, thanking Suga for picking an over-sized one. 

Bokuto cocked his head, "I already know you're here. Are you feeling okay? You're getting all red again, like you did the other night on our-"

"Wristband!" I quickly grabbed the blue wristband from my pocket and held it out to him, ears on fire. "S-so we don't get kicked out, or something."

"Oh, yeah. I totally forgot about that!" He laughed and took the wristbands, cupping the back of my hand with one of his and brushing his fingers down my palm as he did so. The extra physical contact was enough to send my mind reeling. However the moment he was gone, an unfamiliar fire was lit beneath me. 

I grabbed his left wrist before it fell to his side. "Do you, uh, need help putting it on? The sticky part...gets...kind of tricky..."

Bokuto stared intently at me, eyes flickering down to my lips as he held onto every word I said. A tiny smile ticked his lips. "I'd love that."

_Fuck._

With trembling hands I took one of the wristbands from his other hand. I peeled back the sticker and positioned the band over his wrist; his larger hands brushing over mine countless times as if he was trying to touch mine. I gave it a tug to make sure it wasn't strangling his wrist before sticking it together.

"Let me do yours now!" Bokuto once again cradled my hand in his. He went through the motions of putting the paper over my wrist much slower than normal, shifting a little closer to me every so often. By the time he had it closed, his leg was pretty much between my own and his forehead was millimeters from mine. He glanced up at me and slid two fingers beneath the paper. "Too tight?"

_He's close enough for me to count his eyelashes. Why does that sound so pleasing?_

The fire on the tips of my ears diffused all the way to my neck. "I-it's good."

"Perfect!" Bokuto leaned back and put a few feet between us. 

_Come back..._

An upbeat song started over the speakers and Bokuto perked up. He puckered his lips at me and wiggled his eyebrows, spinning in a lazy circle as he shimmied his shoulders to the beat. He topped the dance off with a few snazzy kicks, some swaying, and jazz hands.

"Don't shower me in praise all at once now," he cooed, crossing one foot over the other and pressing his hands on his hips. Bokuto leaned his head to the side and winked at me. "I know I've got moves."

Any discomfort melted away instantly. Laughter bubbled up inside me and I slapped my hand over my mouth, biting the inside of my cheek. Bokuto only grinned wider, skating around me in a circle while he continued his goofy dance. A few seconds later warmth spilled into my stomach and I couldn't hold back my giggles. I dropped my hands to instead hug my sides as I laughed, loud and easy. I couldn't even remember the last time laughter felt this natural. 

"Oh my god," I said between giggles, "That was the best thing I've ever seen."

Bokuto paused in front of me, features soft and eyes glittering. My gaze met his and even though my heart thrust into overdrive, the rest of my body loosened. It was new. It was unknown. But it was comfortable. 

"Finally." Bokuto tipped his head to the side and looked at me with a soft smile.

"Finally what?"

I blinked and the distance between us was erased. 

"You don't look so scared anymore."

He lifted his hand. The backs of his middle and index finger ghosted over my cheekbone. They tickled at my temple, freeing a curl tucked behind my ear. He squinted at the piece and nudged it back into place. After he did that, his fingers resumed their trek down my face as he traced the shell of my ear. Fireworks went off inside me when he gently cupped my jaw, fingers hooking behind my ears as his thumb stroked over my cheek. 

My neck went slack, head leaning into his touch without my permission. "What do you mean?" 

"Well, when you first got here, you looked really stressed, scared ever. I was really worried, but I wasn't sure if it was okay for me to come talk to you or not."

I reached tentatively for his arm, hand draping around his wrist. Bokuto made no effort to pull away, and didn't advance any further.

"Does this make you uncomfortable at all?"

I shook my head, the movement slow yet sure. Bokuto relaxed. The pad of his thumb continued to roll over my cheek. 

"I'm sorry, Bokuto-san."

The hand on my face pulled away and I stifled the urge to try to press back into it. "What are you sorry for?" 

_Am I doing this the right way?_

_Or am I already messing things up?_

_Wait; is there even a correct way to do this? Is it wrong to do this here?_

I gave the rink a quick scan. Daichi, Kuroo, Suga, and the two new men were loitering around on the opposite end of the rink. Although the unfamiliar duo was moving and joking around, the other three seemed to only be half-listening. Daichi stole a glance at us every so often, and then played it off by looking elsewhere. Kuroo was crouched low to the ice. I could clearly see his smirk despite the distance. Suga was outright staring me down, arms over his head with two thumbs-up.

“I’m sorry about our date the other night. What I did to you is unacceptable and I completely understand if you hate me now."

Bokuto's eyes widened. "Hate you? I could never hate you!"

My fingers wrestled each other in the fabric of my top. "Wait, you're not upset about that?"

"No, not at all!" Bokuto reached back and played with the tiny ponytail on the back of his head. "Worried, yes. I thought I had said the wrong thing or scared you off. But definitely not upset!"

My insides deflated like an overfilled balloon being released. I felt my shoulders go slack and relax. _Had they been tensed the whole time?_ Adversities and worries alike fled from my mind until the only thing I could focus on was that lopsided smile. Thinking about being hated was a lot more taxing than I expected it to be. 

With the inhibitions gone I caught a wild hair. Courage welled in my stomach. It challenged my nerves and gave way to a new storm. 

I clenched my fists, picked my head up to look him in the face. 

_It's now or never, I guess._

"May I ask you something?"

Bokuto's eyes snapped on to mine and for a split second fear ran rampant in me once again. A faint blush painted his cheeks. "Ask away, Akaash."

Comforting words rang in my head, reminding me that fear was simply a feeling to quell. 

A wildfire raged across my face. I clutched the fabric over my chest and felt the erratic beating in my ribcage. 

_Action conquers fear._

My spine snapped straight and I let the words tumble out. They weren't loud, and my voice wavered, but I prayed there was something in them that help convey what was in my heart.

"I really, really like you too. So much that it hurts. I've liked you since that day you picked me up when I fell. I'm so, so sorry I slammed the door in your face when you told me how you felt. I just got scared and freaked out because I've never _done_ this before and I'm a terrible, horrible person with tons of issues and I just..." I paused for a long moment to catch my breath. He remained quiet, leaning in to catch the paper-thin whisper of my words.

"...just didn't know what to do. I'm sorry. I'm cold and introverted and nothing like you. I don't think I could ever deserve you, especially after how poorly I've treated you. But even so," I glided closer and took his hand in both of mine. Bokuto squeezed my fingers, eyes the size of saucers with his lips slightly parted. "Even though I'm horrible and bad with emotions, will you..."

He remained silent, standing close to my side as he rubbed circles on the backs of my hands. His patience and gentleness were intoxicating.

"Will you have me, Bokuto-san?" 

For what felt like a small eternity, white noise crackled around us. I watched Bokuto's face with bated breath. He said nothing, and I hurriedly replayed my words to search for a mistake. I expected him to laugh in my face, or to yell at me. I was prepared for rejection.

And I also wasn't prepared for how he really reacted. Bokuto let out an ecstatic yell as he dove headfirst into my chest. His arms roped around my waist and squeezed tight, ripping the very breath from my lungs. The next thing I knew, I was losing my balance. 

We landed in a heap on the ice, me falling on my butt with Bokuto on top of me. He knelt between my legs, hold unwavering around me with his face against my chest. Patrons shot us a plethora of different looks, but for once I couldn't bring myself to care about someone else's opinion. There were only two things that mattered to me in that moment: Bokuto nearly crushing me to death, and that agonizing weight that had been dragging me down finally lifting off my shoulders.

I lifted my arms and went to put them around his back, but paused. 

_Give me your answer._

"Bokuto-san?"

His head popped up. The ponytail ended up being a casualty of his attack, wild locks of dual-colored hair stuck out every which day. There was an imprint of my drawstring in the middle of his right cheek, which was a gentle red. "Akaash?"

The muscles in my arms burned, begging to be relaxed. "Is...is that a yes?"

Bokuto snorted, "What else would it be, silly?" He pressed his forehead to my chest. "You already know how I feel!"

My arms turned to limp noodles, falling around his shoulders. I balled my fists up in the fabric of his shirt and smiled.

“So...” Bokuto’s hands clenched and unclenched in the fabric of my hoodie. “How about a do-over date?”

I cocked an eyebrow. “A what now?”

“Scratch that,” he said sheepishly. “What I meant to ask is... if you’d be interested in going on another date with me?”

I leaned back, bracing one hand against the ice. I lifted the other to his head and tapped his nose. “I might just have to take you up on that offer, Bokuto-san.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahahaaa it only took like 11 chapters but here ya dorks go:) i promise from here on out the boys are together waaay more than they have been. but sorry not sorry, i live for pining bokuaka. 
> 
> feel free to yell at me in the comments, or just drop a kudos. seeing the feedback is like the highlight of my existence right now:)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> update time!!! today i offer you dumb boys, tomorrow, who knows?

Friday night after practice, I took Oikawa home with me again. I sat on the bed with my laptop on one knee. He was curled up next to me, head resting against my thigh and bad knee propped up on a pillow. My gaze momentarily flicked away from my assignment to his face and I let out a deep sigh.

So far, tonight had been kind of a wile ride, for lack of a better word. I could tell Oikawa was torn over having to sit out of practice. He was restless in every sense of the word. Energetic, dramatic, and very, very hungry. I cooked dinner for us when we got to my apartment. Over the course of a few hours, he'd went through every mood under the sun. Lively from having energy. Uncomfortable from having no outlet. 

But worst of all was when sadness took over. It was as if someone had taken the lights behind his eyes and pulled the plug on them. He was in the middle of lecturing me on how kissing (and many more inappropriate) things worked when his phone went off. It was a call from Suga. At first, he let the call drop almost three times. When I finally forced him to pick up the damn thing, he shut himself in my bedroom and locked the door behind him.

Two hours went by and he still hadn't come out. I had passed the time by sifting through my load of assignments for school, but cracked midway through writing a paper. I saved my work, shut the laptop, and marched into my room. The door was unlocked when I tried the knob. The room was pitch dark, every curtain drawn shut and every source of light snuffed. Oikawa lay on his side in the fetal position with a wet pillow beneath his head. His hand hung off the edge of the bed, phone below on the floor.

My immediate response was panic. Since I really didn't have that many friends, my skills in the comfort and advice department were pretty limited. The best I could do was cook, hug, and reassure. Usually when something like this happens, it was natural to run to Suga. But now, that really wasn't a viable option. 

So there we sat together in heavy silence. Oikawa didn't say a word to me, and it didn't feel right to press. He eventually made his way over to my side where he was now sleeping. With tear-stained cheeks and hitched breaths he pressed his cheek to my leg. After about half an hour, he ran out of steam and passed out.

Sighing, I lifted a hand and brushed some disheveled hair from his eyes. They were red and swollen from crying all night. His tiny, even breaths were all I could hear aside from the hum of the fridge in the kitchen. My heart ached for him, and all I wished for in this moment was a way to help my best friend. It really hurt to think that there was nothing I could do, but I had to accept it. Something was wrong between him and Suga, and them alone. I knew nothing. Hell, _none_ of us knew anything about whatever was going on. The only thing I could offer was moral support.

The cursor blinked lifelessly as it waited for new words to be typed. For the second time tonight, I shut down the laptop, turning on the bedside lamp on my way to put it down. New dim light chased away the shadows that hid Oikawa's puffy face. I leaned over him and pulled the comforter up to his chin. 

Just as my back relaxed against the headboard, I felt vibration beneath my thigh. I lifted my leg and scooped my phone out from under it, resting it against my leg. It was a new text from Bokuto.

_**Bokuto Koutarou, 10:26pm** _

**Hey!!!! How's ur night so far?**

The banner on the small screen put an idiotic smile on my face the second I saw it. I pulled my knees in closer to my chest and typed out a reply.

_**Akaashi Keiji, 10:27pm** _

**Pretty good. How about u?**

_ **Bokuto Koutarou, 10:28pm** _

**That's awesome!!!**

_**Bokuto Koutarou, 10:28pm** _

**Whatcha doing???**

_**Bokuto Koutarou, 10:28pm** _

**And how was practice???**

Oikawa stirred, pulling my attention away from the phone. His jaw clenched, body tensing for a second before he rolled over to face away from me. I lowered the brightness of the screen.

_**Akaashi Keiji, 10:29pm** _

**Nothing much. Taking care of Oikawa tonight with his knee and all. Practice was good, what about you?**

After I hit send, I had all of thirty second before my phone once again went off with multiple notifications.

_**Bokuto Koutarou, 10:30pm**_

**I'm doing really good!!! I'm watching hockey highlights rn**

**_Bokuto Koutarou, 10:30pm_**

**But I miss you**

**_Bokuto Koutarou, 10:30pm_**

**Oh shoot**

**_Bokuto Koutarou, 10:30pm_**

**...is that weird?**

**_Bokuto Koutarou, 10:30pm_**

**I know we only started dating yesterday, but I'm already so excited to see you again and take you out!!!**

**_Bokuto Koutarou, 10:30pm_**

**But I always get excited thinking about seeing you again**

**_Bokuto Koutarou, 10:31pm_**

**Anyways practice was really good! We had a practice game with another team**

**_Bokuto Koutarou, 10:31pm_**

**WHICH WE WON!!!**

**_Bokuto Koutarou, 10:31pm_**

**Sou came too and it made him really** **happy**

**** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:31pm_ ** **

****WOW I'm sending so many texts rn I'm sorry** **

**** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:31pm_ ** **

****Am I annoying you at all??????** **

**** Halfway through the barrage of messages I nearly launched my phone across the room putting it on silent. I stared at Oikawa for a long minute. When he didn't stir, I let out the breath I was holding and read through his texts. And oh, _he missed me?_ This was almost too much for my heart to handle. This actual god of a man missed _me?_ And I was dating him.

_Bokuto and I are dating._

I pinched myself hard on the soft part of my arm to verify this wasn't a dream before answering Bokuto.

_**Akaashi Keiji, 10:33pm**_

**No, you're not bothering me at all. I always enjoy talking to you:)**

Adding the smiley face made me cringe, but I'd already hit send. I shook it off and continued, changing the subject back to his little brother, whom I knew virtually nothing about.

_**Akaashi Keiji, 10:34pm**_

**I'm really excited to see you too, and congrats on winning your match!! How's Sou doing?**

**_Bokuto Koutarou, 10:35pm_**

**He's doing good! I went home today to hang out with him but he's asleep now**

**_Bokuto Koutarou, 10:35pm_**

**He gets tired watching hockey lol**

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:35pm_ **

**I want u to meet him someday!! Hinata told me you're good with kids his age**

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:35pm_ **

**He's a little energetic but I think you'd love him!!**

I snorted softly. Bokuto's texting style never failed to lighten a heavy mood. Even through a screen I could still feel his personality in the words. He was all positivity, bouncing left and right from point to point. And luckily for me, he didn't seem to mind how slow of a texter I was.

_**Akaashi Keiji, 10:37pm**_

**Well I'd love to meet him**

Before I could ask any questions about little Sou, Bokuto was already jumping to a new subject.

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:38pm_ **

**Yeah!!!**

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:38pm_ **

**Are you excited for tomorrow????**

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:38pm_ **

**IM SO EXCITED**

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:38pm_ **

**I planned out some fun stuff for us!!!**

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:38pm_ **

**At least I'm hoping it's gonna be fun!!**

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:38pm_ **

**Not super crazy stuff since I figure you were probably tired after this week**

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:39pm_ **

**But we can do anything you want! If you change your mind tomorrow I'll drive you anywhere you'd like**

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:39pm_ **

**And we can eat anything you want too!!**

A distressed little sound emitted from Oikawa's throat and he rolled closer to the edge in his sleep. I grabbed his arm and tugged him to the middle of the bed and kept my hold on him just in case, now texting with one hand.

** _Akaashi Keiji, 10:41pm_ **

**I'm sure whatever you planned for us will be great. I'm really excited too**

_Anything with you is bound to be enjoyable,_ I added in my head.

** _Akaashi Keiji, 10:42pm_ **

**But I'm paying for our meal this time**

His next reply came in not even a second after mine, like he knew exactly what I was going to say.

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:42pm_ **

**Really?!?! AAAHHHH now I'm really REALLY excited to see you**

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:42pm_ **

**Well I already was, but u already knew that!!**

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:42pm_ **

**And NOOOOOOOO ur not paying im paying**

I rolled my eyes at that. This was more than likely something I'd never win, but I'd be damned before I went down without a fight

** _Akaashi Keiji, 10:44pm_ **

**We'll see, Bokuto-san.**

A second later something sparked in me and I tagged on another message, a smug smile on my face.

** _Akaashi Keiji, 10:44pm_ **

**I don't plan on letting you win so easily**

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:45pm_ **

**OHOHO a challenge??? You're on, AKAaashi!!!**

I squinted at the message. Only Bokuto Koutarou would screw up my name even over text. I loved it so much.

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:45pm_ **

**Anyways I gotta go now:(((**

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:45pm_ **

**Big brother stuff ya know?**

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:46pm_ **

**Well maybe not since you said you don't have any siblings...**

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:46pm_ **

**Which is fine!! NOthing wrong with tHAt!!!**

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:46pm_ **

**But seriously I gotta go now**

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:46pm_ **

**Be ready when I pick u up tomorrow!!**

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:46pm_ **

**Oh and make sure u bring a jacket**

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:47pm_ **

**Preferably my jacket since u still have it**

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:47pm_ **

**BUT U STILL HAVE TO KEEP IT AFTER!!!**

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:47pm_ **

**Anyways have a good night with Oikawa-san!!! Don't stay up too late and sleep well!!**

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:47pm_ **

**See u tomorrow <3**

For a moment the messages stopped, my brain along with it when I saw the final message. I was almost too stunned to respond, staring at it for a solid two minutes, but a final text brought me back.

** _Bokuto Koutarou, 10:49pm_ **

**Hope that wasn't weird or anything!!! But i really do gotta go now GOODNIGHTTTTT**

It didn't make any sense to me, how a simple heart over a text message could fluster me so easily. He wasn't even here, and I blushed just at the sight of a text from him. I rolled onto my side, plugged the phone into the charger, and sent one last text.

_**Akaashi Keiji, 10:52pm** _

**Yeah, see u tomorrow <4**

"Oh, you're kidding me," I muttered under my breath, setting the phone down and collapsing onto my side. The _one_ time I try to be flirty, I get a freaking typo? Geez, I really was hopeless. 

But even that mistake couldn't drown out the fuzzy feeling in my stomach. Riding the little high, I pulled Oikawa onto the other side of the bed and secured the blanket around him. This last week, no, this entire _month_ has felt like such a roller coaster, and I was just a passenger praying to God that the seat belt wouldn't break. The me from one month ago would be petrified in my current situation. I had no doubt I would've run for the hills at the sight of all these text messages. But the me now couldn't be any happier. Being excited about new people, getting to know them and spending time somewhere that wasn't the rink with them, it was exhilarating. To me, Bokuto felt like the first breath of fresh air after being locked inside for days. Maybe he was changing me after just a few weeks of knowing him, and in a _really_ good way too. 

I threw a few pillows down on the floor in case Oikawa fell. Once I finished with him, I wrapped myself in another blanket and closed my eyes, welcoming rest after the long week.

\---

At precisely four-thirty , there was an onslaught of heavy knocks at my front door. I dashed out of my room and down the hall to the door, wiggling into my blue jeans. It took almost all of my willpower to not remain in my comfort zone and stick to the usual black jeans. But Oikawa had planned my outfit this morning, and there was no way I'd let his help go to waste. He'd put me in the jeans, a navy sweater paired with a white undershirt, and some white sneakers for this Saturday date. He was also still dead asleep back in my bedroom, but that didn't really matter since he stays here all the time.

I opened the front door and nearly got Bokuto's swinging fist to the face when I stepped outside. He paused mid-knock inches away from my face, lips pursed and eyes wide. Bokuto stuffed his hands into the pockets of his khaki pants (which, by the way, fit him so well it pained me) and flashed me the brightest smile. 

"Hey!" He stepped back and produced a little white box from behind his back. "For you! You might wanna put these in the fridge before we leave, though."

Butterflies flitted in my stomach and I took the box from him. "Th-thank you, Bokuto-san. What are they?"

"Just a few things I picked up at the sweet shop for you. They're all pumpkin based since it's fall and all," he scratched the back of his head sheepishly, "I know you love sweets, but they all looked so good, so I just picked a bunch."

I giggled. "Well, I'm sure whatever you picked is great." I stepped back awkwardly and swept my hand in front of me. "You can come in while I go put these away if you'd like."

Bokuto grinned so wide I thought his face would split open, and gave me an excited "Yes!" in response before we walked into the apartment. I closed the door as softly as possible behind us and gave him a heads-up Oikawa was asleep in the other room. Bokuto followed me into the small kitchen with his lips pressed tightly together. 

I inwardly cursed myself for neglecting my chores this week. There were still some dirty dishes in the sink, there were papers and random objects scattered across every surface, topped off with a small stack of folded laundry on the dining room table. "I'm so sorry for the mess," I apologized after placing the package safely in the fridge. My eyes darted everywhere but in Bokuto's direction, but I could feel him watching me.

"It's no problem at all, Akaash." He walked up to me and draped an arm over my shoulder. "You're a pretty busy guy, and it's not like my view of you could be changed over a little bit of clutter." My eyes finally met his, and I found no trace of a lie in them. He patted my head. "I really don't think anything could change the way I think of you, for that matter."

I focused on a spot just above his eyebrow. If I were to look him in the eye any longer I was sure my legs would give out. What was _wrong_ with me, for God's sake? We weren't even doing anything! If I was like this now, what would I be like when we _were_ doing things? 

_Okay, no, none of that. This is your second date, Keiji. He may not even want to do that kind of thing with you, you stupid virgin!_

"Kaaash, you're doing that thing again."

I shook my head rapidly and gaped at him. "I beg your pardon?"

The grin never leaving his face, Bokuto plucked something off the dining room table. He slipped his fingers beneath my chin and tilted my head. "The thing you always do, you know? When you get all red and space out."

"Do I...do that a lot?" 

He took the object from the dining table, which ended up being my glasses, and slid them onto my face. Because only I would forget something that important in front of Bokuto. "Well, you've done it every time we've hung out together at least. It always scares me at first 'cause I think you're sick or something."

"Well, I can promise you I'm not." I gulped and took hold on his arm, leading him to the door. "You ready to go?"

Bokuto must have planted his feet to the floor, because he didn't move along with me. He gently wiggled his arm free of my grasp and returned his hands to his pockets. He smiled shyly at me, thick brows drawing together. "Yeah, whenever you are."

Maybe it was just my imagination, but my hands felt cold without his skin against them. In his graphite long-sleeve tee and that intoxicating cologne wafting my way, he looked irresistible, even though I always thought he looked that good. I wanted to touch him, to be touched by him, to just be close to him and feel his warmth. It had never occurred to me before that maybe I'd done something that made him feel uncomfortable. And now I felt like a brat, because disappointment welled in my stomach when he pulled away. Why wasn't he touching me now? Just a day ago he'd practically thrown himself into my arms.

_Why would he want to touch you anyway?_

I followed him out of the apartment at a distance, catching glimpses of Bokuto's head hanging low as we walked.

It didn't get any better as the day went on. The car ride was dead quiet as we drove to the theatre. I had never seen a man change his mind so many times about holding someone's hand in my entire life. The entire time he had a distressed look on his face, reaching for my hand or knee for a split second before recoiling and gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles. I absentmindedly rubbed my nose against my shoulder and inhaled. Nope, I definitely didn't smell bad. The urge to get to the bottom of this was making my skin crawl.

Walking into the movies Bokuto kept a solid four feet of distance between us, and also appeared to be having a hard time walking straight. He'd step close to me, lean in every so often like he wanted to say something, then veer off the next minute. By the time the snacks were in our hands and we sat down in the theatre, I was yearning for a hug so badly I wanted to cry. Physical contact was never something I'd craved from anyone besides my overly touchy friends until I met Bokuto.

The duration of the movie was about three hours, but the way I was squirming in my seat had it feeling like a couple years. Bokuto had gotten up at least five times, some to refill our popcorn and others to use the restroom. Once he had left for the third time, I took out my phone and powered it on. The seats around us were nearly completely empty since this film had been out for a while, so I'd deemed it safe to use the device. I studied my face for several seconds. I had no weird surprise pimples, there were no crumbs on my cheeks. My glasses did have a fingerprint on them, but that didn't feel pertinent to me. 

By nine o'clock we were walking out of the cold and dark theatre, the awkward distance still mulling between us. Bokuto had barely said a word to me since we got here aside from asking what I wanted to eat, and the alarm bells were wailing in my head. No lively conversation, no stupid jokes, not even a brush against my shoulder. He even went as far as not meeting my gaze Ever since we left my apartment, Bokuto was riddled with anxiety, and I was now on the verge of tears. I had to get to the bottom of this.

We got into his truck, Bokuto opening my door then all but sprinting to his own. The uncomfortable silence between us was heavy, and I hated it. It felt weird that the man who made everything feel so at ease just days ago was now shut tight as a clam. As he drove he glanced at me almost every minute, quickly turning his attention back to the road like he wanted to hide the fact that he was looking at me. I caught every single one.

"Where are we going for dinner, Bokuto-san?" I turned on the leather bench so my entire body was facing him and he jumped at the question.

For a long few seconds, he chewed at his bottom lip. "I," he squeezed the steering wheel hard enough to make his knuckles white. "A-anything you want is okay." The way his voice was so small, so _nervous,_ nearly made my heart break. Was this the same Bokuto that squeezed the life out of me with his spontaneous hugs and danced like an idiot in front of dozens of people?

"You told me last night you had things planned out for us," I slid across the bench and lessened the distance between us. I studied his face up-close. Bokuto's side profile was strong, sharp and full and masculine, and the early evening light that filtered in through the window doused his skin. I extended my hand and rested it on his knee, eliciting a tiny, high-pitched grunt from him. Immediately I pulled it back into my lap. So much for trying to be comforting, I guess. Not like I was ever good at that kind of thing anyway. 

"I want to do...whatever...Akaash likes..." His words trailed off slowly as we came to a red light, and those on-edge eyes followed my hand as I pulled it away. He scrunched his face up angrily, shook his head, then returned his attention to the road. "Sorry."

There was a slight burning in my chest, a tiny feeling urging me to press forth. Even I, the most emotionally unintelligent being in this world, could tell something was wrong. I couldn't tell if I had done something to make him uncomfortable or not and I really needed to know. "Hey, are you alright?"

Another little grunt. He nodded his head slowly.

"Are you sure? You've barely talked all day," _or touched me._ This time he didn't answer, but instead opened and closed his mouth a few times, then firmly pressed them together. Bokuto nodded again. 

Anger was prickling at my insides, and I wasn't sure if it was okay to even be angry at him right now, but I didn't care. He was the one in the very beginning that comforted me, let me open up about my feelings and listened. I wanted to do that for him now, but how could I, with these unfamiliar walls? It was a few moments later when I realized that it wasn't Bokuto I was angry at. No, I was angry at whatever was making this ball of sunshine dim, even if there was a chance I was that thing. 

"Are you sure you don't want to pick a place to eat? It won't hurt my feelings or anything if you'd rather do something else. Or! Uh, if you want to...go home." The last two words were a breathy whisper, almost too quiet to understand. 

Yeah, I had officially had enough of sad Bokuto. He of all people didn't deserve to feel this way and it was easy to decide that I hated it. I didn't keep trying to stick my nose into it in spite of how my heart ached for him, and went along with this new, more comfortable subject. 

Bokuto's hand fluttered off the wheel and he wiped his palm on his pants. Before he could bring it back up, I acted on instinct and grabbed it in my own. His head snapped to the side and he gaped at me like he couldn't believe I'd touched him.

"Does this make you uncomfortable, Bokuto-san?"

"No, not at all."

I laced out fingers together, ignoring how my heart was lurching into overtime. "Well, I'm getting hungry, and I want to go to the place you picked." I smiled softly, "Will you take us to dinner?"

The timidness in his eyes paled only slightly, but I considered the little grin I got back a win. "Of course." His fingers drummed against the back of my hand after he turned back to the road. "And you're alright with this?"

"I'm very okay with this, actually," I squeezed his hand.

Some of the heaviness had faded by the time Bokuto parked the truck in a large grass parking lot. We sat in semi-awkward silence until he released my hand reluctantly. He killed the engine, hopped out of the car, and trotted around the hood to open my door. I got out cautiously and I was greeted by the scent of earth. It was very different from the sting of cold and disinfectant at the ice rink, but I didn't hate the change. It was hard to hate anything with Bokuto at my side.

"It's a little bit of a walk, if that's okay with you." He shoved his keys into his pockets and shut my door behind me. "I'm sorry we couldn't get a closer spot."

"You have nothing to apologize for." Something similar to, but not quite like Déjà vu washed over me. Like Déjà vu in a mirror, if that makes any sense. But that aside, I didn't like him apologizing for things he couldn't control. "Ready to go?"

Bokuto gave his pocket a quick pat then gestured in the direction in front of us. "Yup. This way."

He waited for me to follow before he started walking. Curious, I padded up to him and linked our arms together. He stood there stunned, but when I asked him, "Can we walk like this?" he immediately loosened up. We traveled downhill on the wide path, people on their own or in groups alike with food and drink in hand passing by. The closer we got, I could hear the telltale sounds of a busy road. My eye caught a wide expanse of land at the bottom of the hill.

Pushed back a good amount from the road was a massive pavilion. The floor and ceiling of it were both made from a sleek white material, projected colors bouncing and shifting off the surface. Underneath the pavilion were scattered picnic benches. There were people sitting at the benches, laughing and enjoying food, and others hanging out in the paved area surrounding the place. I caught glimpse of a flower garden, a fountain that changed lights with the pavilion, and even more benches.

My stomach grumbled loudly without my permission. Bokuto's head turned to face the sound, and he let out that deep, full laugh I'd been yearning all night for. "How about we eat first, then we can look around?"

"Where are we?" I asked, but Bokuto was already pulling me around the side of the pavilion. The smell of hot food wafted through the air and the sight in front of us was nothing short of heaven on earth.

Behind the little park, the pavement around the pavilion extended into a courtyard that was decorated similarly to the rest of the space. Just across that courtyard was a short building divided into several units with fairy lights and neon signs. Hoards of people loitered around the space while others left with food in hand. 

"I found this place by accident the other day." I turned around to find Bokuto coming to a stop next to me, hands in his pockets. He wore a small smile that was illuminated by the colorful lights. "It's a new park that the city plans to use for food festivals. See all the little restaurants?" He flicked his head toward the small building. "They're kinda like food trucks! Here, take a look at this," he fished out his phone and pressed it into my hands. "This is the menu for the places here tonight. Pick anything you like and I'll get it for you!"

"Okay." Having Bokuto perk up, even just a little, was already enough to make my night. Scrolling through the brightly colored menu I found a variety of things-Thai food, ramen, sushi, pizza, a dessert shop, takoyaki, fried chicken, and a couple of others. "This is gonna be hard to choose from," I murmured to myself.

"Get as much as you'd like, Akaash." He rocked back and forth on his heels and peered around the open space. "Take your time picking, though. No rush?"

I locked the phone and held it out to Bokuto, who took it and put it back in his pocket. "How about temaki first?"

"Perfect!" Bokuto smiled, shoulders shifting with some tension. "How about you," he put a hand on the small of my back, but it was gone just as fast as it'd appeared, "Uh, how about you go sit down, and I'll take care of it?"

I raised an eyebrow at him. "You sure you won't need help carrying anything?"

"I'll take care of everything, so don't worry Kaash." He glanced out to the pavilion. "Meet you at a table?"

"Sounds good." And with that I watched him whip around and run toward the collection of restaurants, losing sight of him when he merged with the crowd. A breeze swept by and I rubbed my arms as I made my way to the covered area.

The changing lights were shifting from blue to green when I sat down at a table. The surface was cold like the air and the space was teeming with life and happy conversation. I watched a young couple walk by hand-in-hand as they settled at a table nearby.

I let out a deep sigh and pulled out my phone, needing a distraction. Like usual, I was enjoying spending time with Bokuto. And even though he was lightening back up, I just couldn't shake the feeling that things felt tense between us. All night, he hadn't initiated any affections between us. It had been me trying to make him talk or touch, and it was starting to get me down. But then again I was sort of getting a taste of my own medicine. Up until today, Bokuto almost always was the initiator between us, with me being such a bundle of nerves. The way I was feeling now really stung, and I couldn't even begin to imagine how he must have felt.

"Rough night?"

My attention was pulled from my phone and I was met with a man in black. His hair was bleached blonde, the undercut below revealing the true brown color. Call me rude for this, but his smug face was already starting to irk me. 

"No, sir." I turned my eyes back to my phone and later heard the sound of weight settling on the bench across from me.

"You're a bad liar, but that doesn't make you any less pretty." He put his elbow on the table, chin propped on his hand. "What's your name?"

My brows pinched together and I glared at him over my phone. "Akaashi." _Now please go away._

"How scary," he chuckled. "It's actually kind of cute." I ignored the man for a long while, feet tapping beneath the table as I counted the seconds. I _needed_ Bokuto to come back soon, to be here with me. I had no idea what to do now. When I didn't answer, he leaned closer. "You know you're supposed to ask the other person's name now?"

"That would imply that I'm interested, which I'm not." I gave him a blank look.

"Well you're sitting here all alone with that sour look on your face. I figured I could lighten your mood."

_Okay, now you really need to leave, dude._ I set my phone face-down and pressed my palm firmly against the table. "I'm not here alone, actually, so maybe you should go."

The man's smirk split wider. "Really, now?" He slid his hand on top of mine and I retracted it into my lap in an instant. 

"I'm here with my boyfriend."

The table was blanketed with silence, and in that moment I think I looked even more shocked than the sleaze sitting across from me.

_Boyfriend..._

Mouth hanging open, I blinked at him before coming back to my senses. "Yeah. I'm here with my boyfriend, on a date. I'm not by myself."

To my surprise, the man stood and held up his hands. "Well, can't say I didn't try." He smirked, "He's a lucky man."

Surprising myself for the second time that night, I smiled back and replied, "I think I'm the lucky one, actually."

"How sweet. Have a good night, Akaashi-san." He waved a hand and slipped away somewhere in the crowd.

Once he was gone, I let my forehead drop onto the table. I just called Bokuto my _boyfriend._ Was that even what we were? Were we boyfriends? I thought we were dating? Was there even a difference between those two things in the first place?

Ugh, having zero experience with anything more than platonic relationships really sucked. It was like I was constantly teetering over the edge. I never knew what the right thing to do was, what to say or not to say, how being a romantic partner even _worked._ If I wanted Bokuto to eventually take that label with me, which I really _really_ did, I had to shape up fast. 

"Akaash? Akaash!" 

Heavy footsteps approached the table and along came Bokuto balancing three trays of food on his arms. He set them all on the table and my stomach roared in hunger. 

"I forgot to ask which kind you wanted, so I got a bunch! Ooh, and this is just some tempura that looked good, and I got spring rolls from the Thai place! And then I got all these as dessert. This one is coconut, this one is strawberry..."

He pointed to each item on the table, bombarding me with descriptions as he pushed them in front of me, but I almost didn't pay attention. All I could focus on was how Bokuto was nearly glowing. He still had a tense air to him, but with each passing moment he was lightening up. 

Having a lack of experience may not matter so much now that I think about it, because calling Bokuto my boyfriend just felt so...natural.

We spent a few hours at the little park, finishing off dinner before clearing off the table and exploring the new place as we nibbled on our dessert. Bokuto became more talkative as the night went on, but the physical contact-realted weirdness still lingered. There was really no structure to what we were doing, but I couldn't bring myself to care. We strolled around the pavilion as we talked the night away. I managed to pull us toward the flower garden, but Bokuto trailed behind me with a tiny smile as I explored it. 

Before we _knew_ it the crowds had dissipated and the restaurants were slowly packing up their equipment. I stood up slowly, abandoning the bundle of flowers I was smelling, and called out to Bokuto, "Hey, what time is it?"

He came up to my side and glanced down at his watch. He let out a low whistle. "Almost eleven-thirty now. Guess we lost track of time?"

" I don't mind," I hummed. Time flies when you're having fun, right?"

Bokuto tipped his head to the side, but that did nothing to hide the satisfied smile and faint pink on his cheeks. "You've got that right." When he turned to face me again I was relieved the smile didn't falter nervously. "I'll be honest with you, Akaash. I know it's getting late, and you're probably tired, but I really don't want to say goodbye to you yet."

"Me neither," I took an experimental step closer to Bokuto, watching his movements carefully. He didn't step away like he'd been doing all night. 

"What should we do now, then? I'll drive us anywhere."

I suddenly became aware of the extra weight in my pocket. Slipping a hand behind my back, I roped the lanyard around my fingers.

"I have a place in mind." Half of me was screaming on the inside, pleading with me to change my mind, trying to convince me that this was a _very_ bad idea. Yet the other half of me was filled with a foreign eagerness. I was longing to share a piece of me with Bokuto, to let him into my heart like I was so warmly welcomed into his. This idea of mine had "risky" written all over it, but only because it was something new and daunting. 

"Perfect. Just give me the address when we get back to the car and we'll be off." He tilted his head to flash me a smile before turning in the direction of the parking lot.

"Bokuto-san, any chance your skates are in your car?"

\---

"Woah," Bokuto breathed out, walking into the dark rink behind me. "It's kind of creepy in here with all the lights out."

"I find it rather peaceful." I lead us around the ice until we reached part of the wall that wasn't blocked by tall panes of protective glass. I dropped my bag on the bleachers in front of it and kicked off my shoes, replacing them with my skates. Bokuto stalled behind me, then quickly got to putting on his own skates. We had stopped by my apartment on the way to the rink so I could change into skating-appropriate clothes. Right after I told him the destination, those walls I'd worked at all night came rushing back up.

Skates secured and phone in hand, Bokuto followed me cautiously to the ice.

"Akaashi, are you sure this is okay?"

"Of course it's okay," I responded, pulling my guards off and stepping onto the ice. "I come here every Saturday night after hours." I held a hand out, gesturing to the ice. "Come on in."

Bokuto's averted his eyes and I could feel the uneasiness emanating from him. Even so, he obeyed and took of his guards. "That's not what I meant," he said quietly as he stepped onto the ice.

The Bluetooth connection sound echoed across the rink and I connected my phone. "What did you mean, then?"

"Oh, it was nothing." He offered me an anxious smile and kicked at the ice. 

I narrowed my eyes at him. "You body language says otherwise, Bokuto-san."

He jumped as if someone had startled him, "I! Uh, it's really nothing. What are you doing with that?" 

"With what?" I followed his worried gaze to my phone, which had music pulled up and ready to play. "Oh, this? I need it for music."

"Why do we need music?"

I selected the song and quickly hit the pause button, then handed it to Bokuto who took it warily. "Because I..." my pulse stuttered, then immediately shot up like an exploding firecracker. _You can't turn back now. Not now, or ever again._ "I brought you here to show you something."

Bokuto's eyes shot wide open. He sped across the ice to me, held his hands out, then quickly pulled them back. "Akaashi, you don't have to do this. You don't have to do _anything_ for me. I still don't know why, but I know that you don't like people watching you like this and I"- he groaned and put his face in his hands-"I don't want to hurt you again, like I did that night."

Everything slowly clicked into place after that. The nerves, the questioning tone when I brought him here. It didn't explain why he wasn't touching me, but I was fighting my battles one at a time. I reached out and took his wrists in my hands. Like Bokuto had done for me many times now, I pulled his hands away, and revealed a terrified face. 

It was almost funny how it mirrored my own internal feelings. My heart was about to pop.

"Bokuto-san, will you look at me?" He found my eyes. I pushed him gently backwards, causing him to glide back until he bumped softly into the wall. "That night was an accident. An honest mistake, remember?" Bokuto nodded, the gesture almost pathetic. "This time it's different, and you have never, ever hurt me. I know this is shocking. Hell, I'm shocked, too, but..." I took my phone from him and placed it on the wall. "I want to share this with you. I'm not good at expressing my feelings. Skating is the only way I know how to do that. And you already make me feel so many things, Bokuto-san."

I felt the panic in him before it was even visible and I pressed my hand to his mouth.

"All of those things are _good_ things. Even better than good. They're amazing. In the short time I've known you so far, I've never felt better in my life." I lowered my hand and slid away slightly, hands clasping behind my back. "So can I skate for you?"

Bokuto gaped at me for a long, long while. He glanced back and forth from me to the phone. "You're totally sure you're okay with me watching you?"

"I invited you, didn't I?"

"Well yes, but are you _sure_ -"

"Bokuto-san, please just hit play when I tell you to."

His jaw snapped shut, teeth audibly clicking. Bokuto nodded sheepishly before I turned away and stopped at center ice. I took my opening pose, down on my knees. Adrenaline, anxiety, and contentment were coursing through me, an intoxicating cocktail of emotions that nearly swept me off my own two feet. I nodded to Bokuto and he tapped my phone screen.

The familiar ascent and descent of a pulsing bassline filled the cold air and muscle memory guided me right into the program. A moment passed before Bokuto recognized the song, and he gasped, loud enough for me to hear.

Two years of grief and pain all rolled into one two-minute program. Two years of suffering in private were now being rolled out in front of somebody new, for the first time in my entire life. The blue lights that had been turned on weren't on this time, like the night Hinata had snuck Bokuto in. This time only the few lights I knew how to use were on, bathing us almost entirely in pure shadow. Even in the dark I felt the burn of Bokuto's eyes on me. 

_Watch me, please._

The beat softly thrummed beneath me at its slow, alluring tempo. As I approached the first jump, I absentmindedly drifted closer and closer to Bokuto's side of the wall. I leaned back, reached, and took off into the Triple Lutz. When I landed, my gaze connected with his for a brief moment. My eyes stung with tears begging to be shed much too early.

_Feel what I don't have the words or strength to tell you yet._

Like a coiled spring, the music wound up quickly and cut silent for a split second. In that tiny space, I shot up into the Triple-Axel and landed dead in time with the beat.

_"Give me reasons we should be complete..."_

I went into the spins with ease and accuracy. Bokuto's rapt attention blanketed me in a way no audience or judge's had before. I was aware of what I was really showing him now. I didn't want to filter it now, since I couldn't verbally share this with him. His eyes read me like a book, and the hands of his soul were now turning the pages as he discovered the chapters I'd kept in the dark for so long.

The music was drawing near its final climax, the sorrow and tension in the singer's voice egging me on. This was probably the millionth time I'd skated this program, but it was definitely the first time I'd ever felt this way doing it. Misery and grief still ripped my heart to a million pieces, but there was something new there as well, like sunshine piercing the fog muddling my mind. 

It was the millionth time skating this for dad. But it was the first time skating this for Bokuto Koutarou.

_"Can't you see? I don't wanna slow dance..."_

There was not a single thing left in my mind I still felt the need to question about him. My heart may be scarred, but it was set now. The confidence flowing through my veins was able to override even the cold sting of the air. I whipped down into the final turn and my knees hit the ice in time with the music.

_"In the dark..."_

Arms open wide, I shot across the ice. The singer's voice continued to call out, no longer sounding as broken as it used to. I got up and danced through the final steps of the program. Just before I could hit the final spin, I lined my body up directly in front of Bokuto's just a few yards away, and went directly into it.

The music veered to its final note, sound ripping from the air. I hit my final pose with my head down, back to Bokuto, arms out with my fists clenched. And just like that we stayed for a long while in the darkness. The speakers crackled quietly with static, filling the dead quiet. I blinked once, twice, three times, and a couple tears slipped out of my eyes.

I picked my head up slowly, and when I turned around, Bokuto was barely inches away from me. I yelped in shock and clapped a hand over my mouth.

Bokuto's eyes were still as wide as saucers, brimming with unshed tears that let me know I'd communicated with him the way I wanted to. He had technically seen me skate this before, but this time around it almost felt like an entirely new program.

"May I touch you?"

I let my hand drop and gulped. "You... you don't have to ask to do that, Bokuto-san."

Two seconds later Bokuto's hands were on my arms and he started dragging me across the ice. I opened my mouth to ask what the hell he was doing, but then my back was against the wall, and I couldn't utter a single word, because Bokuto was pressing his lips to mine. 

At first, my body went completely rigid in his grasp and my heart leapt into my throat. One arm was wound tightly around my waist while the other cushioned my head against the glass. My eyes peeled open in shock, but there wasn't a single part of me that wanted to pull away. The problem was that I just didn't know what to _do._ Once again, I cursed myself for not having any experience.

Before I could try to pull myself together, Bokuto was already leaning away. He scanned my face, and his features were soon marred with regret. 

"I'm sorry," he slowly unlaced his arms from around me. "I'm so sorry Akaashi, I shouldn't have..."

I didn't say a word as I moved, but then again I felt no need for words at a time like this. With trembling hands I pulled his arms back around me, then reached up and cupped his face in my hands. It didn't matter that I didn't know how exactly kissing worked. I could scold myself for ignoring Oikawa's teaching later. The only thing that mattered now was that Bokuto's lips weren't on mine. So with my hold on his face, I pulled him down slowly and kissed him again.

And it was a magical feeling. His lips were chapped and hot against mine. When the shock wore off of him, his hold on my waist tightened and he pulled me closer. His kiss was so soft, mouth moving tenderly over my own. Any remaining tension that was weighing Bokuto down was melting away rapidly like ice in warm water. A pleasant heat was injected into my stomach, urging me to press my body against his even more.

Bokuto's hand on the back of my head tilted my head to the side, deepening the kiss in a way I didn't even know was possible in a kiss. A small moan bubbled up from inside me and I gasped, eyes flying open. I tore my hands away from his face and covered my own and _oh my god,_ my heart was about to beat out of my chest. 

"I-I'm sorry," I blurted out.

The both of us were panting, desperate for air after the long kiss. I was pulled out of my mortified panic when Bokuto laughed softly. He pressed a few kisses against my hands until I lowered them enough to expose my eyes. "You don't have anything to be sorry for." He momentarily let go of me and took my hands in his, pressing my palms against his cheeks.

My face was a searing red and the tingling heat in my stomach was now covering every inch of my body. Bokuto rested his forehead against mine and sighed happily. 

"I really hope you're not mad that I did that."

I responded to him by pulling him down once more to connect our lips. This time things happened much more smoothly, since I had the gist of what I was supposed to do. I wrapped my arms around his neck and Bokuto let out a deep grunt, pressing me back against the wall. His mouth slanted over mine and the kiss evolved into one with much more longing. His arms never faltered in hugging me tight to him. It took all of my effort not to let out another embarrassing sound, but that all went down the drain when his tongue darted out over my bottom lip.

I let out a tiny gasp and Bokuto didn't miss a beat, taking the opportunity to slide his tongue into my mouth. My head tilted to the side and sighed in approval as he rolled it over my own tongue, around my lips. I slid my hands into his hair and used my grip to pull him even closer. The heat radiating off of him was like a drug, sending me off on the most pleasureful high I'd ever experienced.

Bokuto pulled away again slowly, and our breaths mingled as we filled out lungs with much-needed oxygen. One of his hands came up to cup my face. His thumb rolled over my cheekbone as he gazed at me, complexion warm and loving. "You're so amazing, Akaashi." 

I buried my face in his neck to hide the blossoming color. Bokuto was touching me again, talking comfortably, and the emotions washing over me were overwhelming in the best of ways. He flipped our positions so his back was against the wall, and guided me to lean my weight against him. For a long while, I remained there with his arms tightly around me like I'd vanish if he let me go. Bokuto nuzzled and kissed my hair as he rocked us side to side. 

"So, about the thing that was bothering me in the car earlier..."

My head shot up suddenly, but Bokuto just chuckled and gently guided it back down. "It's nothing to worry about, I promise," he reassured me as he stroked my hair. 

I wanted to believe him, but my self-doubt was attempting to rear its ugly head, now of all times. It was getting into my head, convincing me that Bokuto didn't actually like me. That in just a moment, he would push me off, laugh, and say, _"Sorry, I didn't want to touch you because you're disgusting and ugly. And by the way, I don't feel anything for you."_

"Kaaaashi, I can hear you worrying already! Didn't I just tell you that it's nothing bad?"

"S-sorry," I mumbled quietly. I pressed my nose to his neck, marveling at the heat of his skin. "Please tell me."

"Everything's okay." Bokuto ruffled my hair affectionately, and began running his fingers through it as he talked. "So earlier this week, when you told me how you felt, do you remember how excited I got?" I nodded in response and he laughed loudly. The vibration in his chest was so soothing. "I really was excited. You have no idea how nervous I was. But I think about you all the time, and hearing you say you liked me back just gave me the best feeling ever! But after I tackled you in the middle of the rink, Daichi kind of got mad at me. Daichi's one of my best friends, by the way. He's on the team with me! Anyways he scolded me for doing that. He told me I probably shouldn't have done that to you without asking, and he was right. I shouldn't have touched you without your permission, no matter how excited I was. I felt so guilty for doing that to you, that I promised myself that I wasn't gonna touch you at all during our date."

"Wait a minute," I interrupted. "Why did you do _that_ instead of just asking. I was so worried you hated me or something!"

"Well, you're very wrong about that!" he laughed and kissed my cheek. "I just felt so bad, that it was like I wasn't even _worthy_ of touching you. I just wanted to just hug you to me the entire night, but I respect you way too much to just do whatever I want to you."

The honesty of his words reached deep into my heart and clenched it. His eyes showed nothing but sincerity to me, no trace of a lie. A massive wave of feelings washed over me just then, and melted into him once again. Everything this man did and said was so full of earnestness, and it pushed me right over the edge into tears.

"Please," I hiccuped to him, a huge smile on my face despite the tears going down my face. "Please just hug me and touch me whenever you want."

For once, Bokuto didn't panic at the sight of my tears. Instead, he leaned down and peppered my cheeks with kisses, uncaring of the moisture. He pressed a final peck to my nose before pulling away, and I was met with a brilliant smile. "Akaashi, I don't think you understand how many hugs and kisses you've signed yourself up for now."

Our skates knocked softly together as I huddled closer to him. "And I don't think you understand just how happy that makes me." 

"No, seriously!" Bokuto went on, eyebrows flying up. "I've wanted to kiss you from the second we met, and now I actually get to do it!" He pressed off the wall and he laced our fingers together. His momentum sent us spinning rapidly across the ice, and we both howled with laughter. 

My cheeks were a violent red, half from the cold and half from him confessing how long he's thought about kissing me. It felt great to know he felt that way though, because for me, it had been exactly the same. We screwed on the ice together for an amount of time I was having too much fun to track. And the moment I watched him flop onto his stomach and slide across the ice like the adorable idiot I was, I made myself a promise as I laughed until my sides split. 

I was going to ask Bokuto to be my boyfriend.

\---

Bokuto lead me down the hall to my apartment sometime around one in the morning, his jacket around me and our hands intertwined. Our conversation happily faded away with laughter. I glanced at my front door and sighed deeply as I pulled out my keys.

"What's wrong?" Bokuto leaned against the wall and squeezed my hand. He grinned, "Sad because we have to say goodbye?"

"And if that was my answer?" It totally was, by the way.

He laughed, leaning in and capturing my lips in a sweet, chaste kiss. "Well, it'll just make me want to take you home with me and have you spend the night."

I nearly dropped my keys at the sound of that, cheeks heating furiously. What was I even supposed to say to _that?_ Besides a big fat yes? There had to be a better response to that than just blubbering like a fool. 

"God, you're too cute. Come here," he held his arms out and I happily obliged, allowing him to pull me against him. "Don't worry. When you finally do come spend the night with me, I'll have something good planned out for you. Promise!"

I looked up at him and asked tentatively, "You want that?"

Bokuto cocked a brow, a grin on his lips. "Of course I do. Why wouldn't I?" He chuckled, a deep rumbling sound in his chest, before squeezing me tight and letting me go. "But I also want you to take care of yourself, so I'm gonna let you go get some sleep now." He kissed my forehead before ghosting his lips over my ear, "Even though I'd rather just take you with me."

My whole body shuddered without my permission and I gaped at him. I flapped my lips, trying and failing to form some sort of response to that, but Bokuto just laughed again. He took my hand in his and pressed a kiss to the back of it. "Now I'd hug you again, but I'm not sure if I'd be able to let go." He squeezed my hand before dropping it and just stared at me, eyes soft and inviting. "Goodnight, Akaashi."

I smiled right back at him in spite of my flushed face. "Goodnight, Bokuto-san." He waved at me through the crack as I shut the door behind me and locked it. It felt nice that our date ended with kisses and hugs instead of doors being slammed in faces tonight. I slipped out of my shoes and tiptoed quietly to my bedroom, shutting the door behind me. 

"You look happy." Oikawa sat in the middle of the bed, good leg tucked at his side with his bad knee propped up. There was a laptop in front of him, some random action movie playing without anyone watching it. 

"I am very happy," I sighed. I stripped the pants and sweater and traded them for some cozy sweats before hopping onto the bed. In one swift move, I shut the movie off and put the laptop aside.

Oikawa whined and reached for the laptop, but I held him at bay. "Excuse you! I was _watching something!"_

"That's correct," I pulled my glasses off and threw them to the bedside table. "You _were_ watching something. Now you're going to bed."

He muttered something I couldn't catch under his breath, begrudgingly sliding under the covers with me. Oikawa cuddled close to me instantly, demanding he was the little spoon for tonight. We didn't talk for a long time, not about Suga or life or the date, even though I promised I'd tell him later. The mood was a lot better than last night's, and the last thing I wanted was to upset Oikawa after he spent the whole day cooped up in my apartment by himself.

My eyes were just getting heavy when he asked out of the blue, "Did you suck his dick?"

In response to that, I snatched up a pillow and slammed it over his head, ignoring his pleading crows and dodging the kicks from his good leg. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah yeah i know. don't come for me. when you signed up for this story, you signed up for sappiness.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone! update time!
> 
> so on a less serious note, i have recently taken all of my social media links off of this account because this past week I received a rather rude and demeaning message regarding my writing. so in light of that, i just want to remind everyone that i am in no way a "professional" or "talented" writer in my own eyes. my writing can be weird and inconsistent at times, but i am not writing this because i want to be perfect. im writing this work because i want to share the story. so if you have something demeaning to say to someone about their skills, next time just keep it to yourself. this is fiction and this site only exists for one reason-fun!

As life moved on the following week, the fact that _I made out with Bokuto Koutarou_ only starting sinking into my preoccupied mind a few days later. 

It happened smack in the middle of a Wednesday morning practice. Oikawa was on one end of the ice, looking thrilled to finally be let back into practice, even if he was stuck with the brick wall of a man that was his temporary physical therapist hounding him. As a training center for professional athletes it was totally normal to see a wide variety of sports doctors on site working with people. The doctor was walking him through recovery exercises on the ice, as he had been all week. 

Suga hovered by the far wall, forearms braced on top of it as he zeroed in on something in between them. Kenma was idly walking himself through some sequence of footwork that was unknown to me, face placid as he floated around the ice. Hinata wasn't settled in one particular area, the sound of his overenthusiastic hollers coming in and out of focus as he zipped around the rink. I stood with my back against the wall, my toes turning inward when my legs started feeling less like muscle and more like liquid. I had to grip the wooden surface of the wall in order to keep myself up, my head was starting to feel light and hot. Hinata was _really_ starting to make me feel dizzy. 

However, nothing was making me feel worse than the event of last Saturday all crashing into me at once like a slingshot full of stones. Memories of Bokuto's hands gripping my waist and lips against mine and _his tongue in my mouth_ were all resurfacing without my permission. My stomach was twisting itself into knots by then, a knot of tension in my lower abdomen twitching.

It wasn't exactly how I was expecting my first kiss to go, but then again, when had I ever thought about that? The whole situation when it actually happened was just a hot blur of anxiety and a new hunger awakening within me I had never felt before. Adrenaline from my first kiss was the only force keeping me going the rest of the night. It had been nearly four days since it'd happened, so why was I only feeling these things now?

"Did you get all that?"

My spine snapped straight and I felt myself jump to attention. Coach was eyeing me from the other side of the wall, binder and pen clasped in his hands. 

He looked me up and down. "Something wrong?"

"Not at all," was the quick lie I threw back, because there was indeed something wrong with me. I felt like I was about to throw up or pass out, and at this point I was just waiting for my body to surprise me. Focusing on practice while all of my blood rushed hot to one place proved to be rather difficult. I willed my brain to stop recalling how Bokuto's scent enveloped me as he leaned in, how he tilted his head and ran his tongue over mine...

Yeah, that wasn't working. I pushed off the wall and faced Coach more squarely, "Would you excuse me? I'll just be one second."

Coach's expression remained cold and unreadable, but he nodded and looked back down at his notes. I lunged away and shot across the ice, sending slush flying when I plowed to a stop in front of the opposite wall. Ignoring Suga's little "Hey, Keiji" I dove over the edge and grabbed my backpack. When I had finally dug out what I was looking for I clambered back to my feet. The contents in my bottle sloshed around as I opened the top. I gripped the bottle in both hands, angled it down, and squirted myself in the face.

I blinked the excess drops out of my eyes and found Suga gaping at me. His eyebrows were slowly climbing up into his hairline, eyes widening. He blinked, wiping a stray droplet from his cheek. "I guess that's one way of refreshing yourself." Blazing heat lit my entire upper body and I lifted the bottle up again, only to have Suga pluck it from my grasp. He withdrew a clean towel from his bag. "Okay seriously, what has gotten into you?" He rubbed it against my hair a few times before traveling down my face. "You look like you just ran a marathon. What's got you all hot and bothered?"

I hissed, face still red as he wiped the mix of sweat and water off of my face, "Don't say it like _that!"_

Suga cocked an eyebrow, "So that means I was right?"

_"No,_ " I scoffed. I dropped my head before adding in a softer voice, "I don't know."

"So what made you come over here and do _this?"_ Suga rubbed the towel into my nose to punctuate the last word. "Jokes to get under your skin aside, you do a little roughed up. I don't think I've ever seen you look this way, besides when you had that awful fever," he threw the towel onto the wall, "So what's wrong, Keiji?"

Droplets that escpaed Suga's mothering trickled down my neck, feeling a million degrees colder than they actually were against my heated skin. My heartbeat had relaxed a tad, but that didn't help the fact that I could feel it pounding through every individual vein. "I have to..." I pointed awkwardly at Coach, my other hand balling up the fabric of my top. 

Suga heaved a sigh, "Okay, I'll let you go then. But I'll be getting this out of you one way or another after practice."

"It was never my intention to try and combat your meddling ways. I am definitely smarter than that."

"Good," he looked me up and down and a smug smile settled on his lips. "Before you go, though..."

"What's wrong?" Impatience tickled my insides when I saw his expression. 

He leaned in and shielded the sides of his mouth with his hands, "You might need to adjust yourself."

My mouth twitched as I searched for a response to that, but Suga only cackled and turned back to his phone on the wall. "Jesus," I muttered quietly. Facing the wall I quickly _adjusted,_ thank you Suga, and slowly headed back to Coach while thanking myself for wearing loose joggers to practice today. 

"I hope you solved whatever was bothering you, Akaashi-san?" Coach asked when I came back to the wall. 

"Ah, yes, I did. Just needed to cool off for a minute." I stopped a couple feet away and ran a hand through my damp hair. This was probably the worst possible place to be in this state, but I'd just have to accept the consequences and fight off the cold when I inevitably caught it. "You wanted to review a technical point with me?"

"That would be correct." Coach clicked his pen a few times, eyes flicking up to my face and hair before he began leafing through my notes. "Now I can't alter too much today, considering that practice is almost over now and Takeda isn't here to give us a proper second opinion." He flipped to a page and recognized something, then set the binder down on the wall and spun it around to me. "These are all of the element combinations in your free program, yes?" Coach tapped the pen against the notes. They were all abbreviated spins and jumps, letters standing for the type and numbers for the amount of rotations. 

I quickly counted out the sets of lists to verify we hadn't forgotten any, "Yeah, this is all of them. Everything looks right. What did you want to review?" 

"It's nothing major, just a simple change I'd like to propose to Takeda-san. I think if we go through with it and you pull it off, which you undoubtedly will, it'll give your technical score an even bigger boost." He circled my very first jump combination in the program, a Quad Toe Loop-Double Toe loop combination. "How do you think your endurance will hold up if I make it a Quad Triple combination?"

I drummed my fingers on my leg, "I have three Quads planned out already. Even with the more taxing elements in the second half, I think I can manage." My eyes followed Coach's pen as he scribbled _**"4T + 3T"**_ followed by a question mark next to the original combination. "I mean no disrespect when I say this, but don't you think Takeda would be alright with this? I feel like he'll be against it in favor of presentation."

"While I agree with that, I'm also not worried in the slightest." Coach circled the new note a few times before clicking the pen shut against the page. "You have proved time and time again that you flourish under any circumstances, especially in the face of changes like this one." Coach peered around the rink, expression rising and falling as he checked on each skater. He looked at me again a second later, "In other words, my concern is not whether or not you can handle it. My concern, just like Takeda, is how it will affect your flow. I'd like you to give it a try a couple of times. If Takeda comes and we all decide it's not a good choice, we won't add it. If it works, and you like it, we'll keep it in. How do you feel about that?"

The mental calculation was easy. My body had the strength to hold out after the added exertion easily. But Coach was right. We had to put it into context before deciding, and I knew I could trust any decisions my choreographer made. "Okay. I'll start chunking it and get some attempts in before we leave today."

Coach chuckled and shut the binder, "Actually, you won't. You've rehearsed hard today, did a good job. I want you to take these last-" he glanced down at his watch-"Fifteen minutes or so, to give yourself a proper cool down. Understood?"

"Understood," I nodded my head. "Thank you for another great practice today."

Coach stared at me for a long moment, then cracked one of his rare smiles. It was minuscule, with no teeth or any movement besides in the muscle of his mouth. "It was a great practice because you boys all work very hard." He picked up his cup and took a long swig. When he spoke again, I caught whiff of black coffee and inwardly gagged. Too bitter for me. "I'll leave it to you to round everyone else up, then. But before I head out, I want to ask you something."

"What is it?" I found myself wanting to cover the front of my pants. _Fuck you, Suga._

His hardened stare drifted back and forth between Oikawa and Suga, who were both as far away from each other as the rink would allow. Oikawa's back was turned, and Suga watched him, body drooping with a hint of longing in his eyes. "I know it's not my business, but it's hard not to notice their shift in attitude. Did they have a fight?"

I shrugged. "I'm not entirely sure myself to be honest. I can tell something's wrong between them, but I don't know what caused it." And it wasn't a lie. Ever since Oikawa's little incident with his knee, the two began acting uncharacteristically cold. Suga and Oikawa were friends long before the rest of our group came together, and very close ones at that. To see Oikawa give Suga the cold shoulder, and Suga just give it right back to him, was unsettling. 

"I want you to see to it that they work things out," Coach sighed and thumbed the lid of his cup, "It's making the energy here much too tense. It's also making Hinata act up--"

As if on cue, there was an ear-piercing wail, which was soon cut off by a thud that sent a tremor through the plexi-glass windows on the walls. Coach and I flinched.

"--more than usual." 

I reluctantly turned around, like the sight behind me was going to cause me pain if I looked. A pair of short legs was flailing in the air, attached to a body that was thrown over one of the walls. Kenma stood near, face blank. A sigh escaped his lips as he shoved his hands in his pockets tipped his head back. 

I smiled sheepishly at Coach, "I should probably--you know--"

"Just make sure no one's dead. I don't have the heart to yell at him this morning."

"I'll take care of them. See you tomorrow." Coach waved goodbye tiredly and I skated up to Hinata and Kenma. The oldest of the two just shrugged when I asked for an explanation. All I got was, "He's fine, allegedly. He doesn't want to move though."

Sighing, I went to the wall and stopped in front of Hinata. "Are you hurt?" His response was a heap of garbled mumbles. I felt my brow furrow, "Do you need help?" Next came the recognizable hum of a no. Not wanting to deal with much more, I grabbed Hinata by the waist and yanked him to his feet. He looked at me, stunned, eyes huge, hands and mouth stuffed with snacks. I gave Kenma a perplexed stare.

"He was hungry," was Kenma's response. 

I let go of Hinata. I ran a hand over my hair, "That's fine. Just make sure you guys warm down properly, okay?"

"Okay," the two said with varied levels of enthusiasm. I bid my juniors farewell after that, mind and body both way too jumbled to deal with whatever the hell that even was. 

After an easy cool down on the ice, the five of us shuffled off the ice and into the off-ice room upstairs. To say that being in there was uncomfortable was an understatement to say the least. Kenma, Hinata and I just watched silently as Oikawa veered away from Suga, and the two settled on opposite sides of the room. Kenma remained passive, eyes locked on his PSP. Hinata was practically on the verge of tears, stuck in an endless cycle of leaning to one friend and then to the other. I could tell his big heart was being torn to pieces seeing them silently feud. Despite my disappointment of the rink being especially empty today, having the hockey team here on top of this would only make it worse. 

I shooed the two younger boys off to Suga and went to Mr. Cold Shoulder. Oikawa's mood shifted immediately, face falling into a pompous grin, "You can't hide it."

"Trust me, I know," I grumbled, easing myself onto the ground. I straightened out one leg and placed the foam roller under my thigh, and put my weight on my opposite foot. "And for the tenth time _this morning,_ I did not, and I quote, ' _get it.'"_

Oikawa threw his knees over the bench and rolled up his pantleg. He grabbed the knee brace on the table and began putting it on. "I'm only believing that because I'm your best friend and know everything about you, including the fact that it's no surprise having your first kiss has you this flustered four days after."

"My apologies for not having any experience. I forgot it was disgraceful for someone like me to be in your presence, oh powerful Sex-god Tooru. I am truly honored to be in the presence of such a player." I rolled back and forth on the hard foam, letting out a hiss that probably wasn't just from being sore anymore. I switched legs and rolled out my other hamstring before getting into a split. I turned my back to Oikawa so he could push me down and help me get deeper. "I started thinking about him during practice earlier and I--"

"Got a glorious hard-on?" Oikawa suggested. I reached around and smacked him hard on the thigh. "Don't be a brute Keiji, it's a _joke._ Well, kind of. I could tell by how red and fidgety you were."

"Tooru can we please not talk about this here? I feel like I'm doing someone a moral injustice discussing boners in front of Hinata."

"You are literally the only virgin in this room."

I groaned and got up, tossing the roller onto the table and grabbing a different one. "Okay, okay, I get it! Can we please pick a different subject that isn't related to my dick?"

"I'm not sure. I'm having a _great_ time making you suffer. You could always tell me about your first ever kiss slash make out session, because you rudely refused me all weekend."

Bracing myself on my elbows, I slid my thigh into the indent so I wasn't rolling out bone and rocked back and forth. It felt amazing. "I'll tell you when I figure out where I'm supposed to go from here."

"What do you mean?" Oikawa asked, voice losing its taunt. 

"I mean I don't know what to do with Bokuto-san now." I switched legs and continued, "We haven't talked in person since our date because they're back at their rink. I don't know what to do, you know? Do I go talk to him, wait for him to ask me out again? Does he not like me anymore? Or maybe there's a dating code I don't know about yet?" I looked at Oikawa. "Is there..."

"God Keiji just watching you overthink is taking years off my lifespan."

"Good."

"There is no secret code you don't know about," Oikawa ignored me. "Look, today is Wednesday. The new rink just opened, and since the hockey team isn't here on Wednesdays, it's open for public session all day today."

I cocked a brow at him while I eased into a regular split, "And you're bringing this up because..?"

Oikawa covered his mouth with one hand and muttered something about "experience." He dropped it in his lap. "Because you're asking him out on a date today."

My eyebrows shot up so far, I was sure they were now entering the atmosphere. "Uh, no?"

"Uh, _yes!"_ Oikawa squealed, beaming at me with sparkly eyes. "It'll be so perfect, a little skating date! A skate date." Oikawa gasped at his own rhyme. "Yes. This is happening. Call him right now."

Oikawa tossed my phone onto my lap when I crossed my legs and sat. "Do I have any chance of fighting you on this?"

"Nope!" He flicked his wrist, "Go on, go on now!"

I bit my lip to cage in my scream and threw myself onto my back. After I dialed Bokuto's number, he picked up on the second ring. 

"Kaash! What's up? I just got out of practice!"

An unbeatable smile spread across my face at the sound of his voice. He melted me without barely lifting a finger. "Hey, Bokuto-san. Was practice good?"

"It was! I'm on my way to get some food right now."

"Oh, where are you-- _ow."_ Oikawa swung his heel into my ribs and I wheezed. 

Bokuto let out a distressed noise. "Are you okay?"

I rubbed the spot and glared at Oikawa as I talked, "I'm alright, I just ran into the bathroom counter by accident. Are you bu-ah, uh, what are you doing after lunch?"

"I was going to ask you that too! I'm not doing anything. What's up?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat and let the words spill into the receiver. They were rushed and jumbled together, all in the same breath. " _Doyouwannagoskatingwithmetoday?"_

Bokuto paused on the other line. I heard the squeak of plastic bags. Then, "Of course! Are you there now? I'll be right over! Oh, and I got you lunch, so make sure you're hungry!" My heart turned into a puddle at that.

I breathed out heavily and nodded at Oikawa. He squealed and clutched his hands to his chest. "You didn't have to do that for me, Bokuto-san."

"Of course I did!" He laughed. "I did it because _I_ wanted to, so no pouting, okay? See you soon!" And with that Bokuto hung up, leaving me with a very smug best friend.

"I really want to hit you right now."

Oikawa smirked, "Bet you also want to let Bokuto hit-"

_"Shut up."_

_\---_

"Bokuto-san," I murmured, "I don't think we needed all of this food."

"You already said that Akaash." Bokuto, being as sweet and considerate as he was, had ordered nearly half a menu at a nearby restaurant just because he had once again "forgotten to ask me what I wanted," and I was starting to suspect that wasn't entirely true. He paid me no mind as he tried to pack the leftover food from our lunch neatly. Well, the key word here was _tried._ I made a mental note to fix the containers before they got anywhere near a car interior. 

Once he was done, he tucked the bags of food onto the bench of the picnic table we were sitting at and slid his gym bag in front of it as defense. He scooped up our skates and herded me around the rink to the entrance. Usually it made my eyes twitch in annoyance when people tried to carry my things. I was independent and capable of taking care of myself. I didn't need anyone putting their hands on me or my things.

Bokuto of course quickly became another exception.

He held my boot up to his face and peered around it at me, eyes round and owlish, "Your guards are cute!" 

"They're nothing special, but thank you." I laughed softly at him before he gave me my boots. I slipped the pastel guards off the blades once they were on my feet and got onto the ice, Bokuto right behind me.

I hadn't been in the second rink of this facility for a long while, not since it had been closed at least. Looking back at how upset I was over sharing my ice with the hockey team made me smile dryly. Now all I wanted was for them to come back so I could see Bokuto.

With it being a public session, the rink was quickly filling with people. To put it simply, I hated it. Bokuto must have picked up on this, because he pressed close to my side and whispered, "Are you okay?"

"Yes," I jumped back at the sudden closeness, then settled when I remembered who exactly I was with. I offered a smile, "I just don't like big crowds that much."

"Well I'm glad you told me." Bokuto grabbed my hand and squeezed tight, our fingers sliding together like matching puzzle pieces. "If we hold hands, you can't lose me!"

I stared down at our joined hands as he pulled me along the ice, chest rapidly warming. I had half a mind to stop him, to ask him if this was a bad idea, if something bad could happen if we were seen since he was on a professional team and the Olympics were coming up and all-

"Hey, do you not like this?" Bokuto tapped me on the shoulder and gave me a worried look, lifting our hands. His grip started to loosen, "If you're not comfortable you won't hurt my feelings--"

"No," I cut him off quickly, gripping his hand tight. "I want to stay like this."

The tension melted from Bokuto's shoulders. He grinned, "Me, too."

Throughout the session the rink continued to fill, the scent of rental skates and snack bar food wafting in the air. At some point most of the main lights turned off and were replaced by colorful strobes. Konoha's god-awful pop playlist was cranked loud. But not even his poor taste in music was able to take away from how happy I was just to be with Bokuto. We skated lazily around and around, hands joined. He talked animatedly about practice, but he lost me around the time he started spouting things about face-offs and penalties. I didn't know a lot about hockey, but suddenly I wanted to change that. 

Everything was fine until more uninvited memories floated into my head. Among those memories was how the hand I was holding felt through my thin shirt that night, and the way he tasted like my undiscovered desires, and the dizzying sensation of his knee between my legs. 

Okay, this was starting to get a little redundant. Why does this always come up at the worst of times?

I tried to retract into myself to think of evasive maneuvers, but Bokuto pushed me toward the middle of the ice and out of traffic. "You're still so tense." Then, he leaned in and suddenly the only thing in my field of vision was those addictive golden irises. "I'm starting to think that it's me making this way."

The way his voice dipped down an octave made my knees feel weak. I looked at him dumbfounded. 

He leaned away and laughed, his demeanor lightening on the drop of the hat. It was almost scary how he could do that. "It's no problem! I just have to help you loosen up." The current song faded into nothing and a new song started up. The techno-esque beat began thundering in my bones, the bass skipping and bouncing with a newfound energy. The hushed voice of a man joined the music and the beat became stronger. 

Beneath the pink and red strobe lights, Bokuto's face lit up in recognition. He faced me with the cutest, most excited grin I'd ever seen. "Hey, can we dance?"

My heart dropped the minute he said the words. Call me weird or whatever, but I really wasn't good with the whole dancing in public thing. Yes, dancing was basically half of my career, but this was so different. It was moving to a song freely without planning. Sure, the concept _sounded_ fun, but it also sounded like a risk. Too many people, too many chances to humiliate myself. "I don't really know..."

"Know what?"

I felt my shoulders cave, "...don't really know how, I guess?"

Bokuto cocked his head, "You mean you don't know how to dance?" I nodded, not meeting his eyes. A moment later he was laughing and I felt my stomach drop. Because if he wasn't laughing at me, what else would he be laughing at? "Hey, Akaashi?"

"Yes?"

"Do you know what the great thing about dancing is?"

"Uh, no?"

And then he was grabbing my wrists and pulling me in. His shoulders were swaying softly to the beat of the music, face bright in every sense of the word. I blinked, and when I opened my eyes we were moving. Colors and shapes were just starting to merge from our speed when Bokuto let go of one of my hands. I gasped loudly as my body spun on the ice. Just when I was sure I'd been allowed to twirl into next week I whipped to a stop. My head snapped to the side to gawk at Bokuto, who looked from our clasped hands (I swore he had let go of both), then to me, and smiled. 

He gave my arm a gentle yet firm yank and I was spinning backwards. I had no chance to dig my blades into the ice to stop myself, but instead of hitting Bokuto I ended up in his arms. He leaned over and dipped me low to the ground, one of my legs coming up as he did so. He pecked me on the lips before pulling me back up, stepped back, and gave me a playful bow.

"You don't need to know how, because there is no right or wrong. At least not with me there isn't." He winked and held out a hand. "You don't have to dance if you don't want to. I'd be happy with anything as long as you're here with me."

My usual response to that would've been to just pull up my long list of possible horrible outcomes, but when my brain didn't present any, I faltered. I took Bokuto's waiting hand and smiled, because why question it when there was only one right choice?

I let Bokuto pull me along and slowly the inhibitions were evaporating out from under my skin. The dance-like bass of the song played on, and Bokuto danced along with it as if that was what he was made to do. At some point I noticed the strobes were flickering to the beat of the music, probably thanks to Konoha. 

Despite how much I was starting to enjoy myself, I found it hard to completely shake the discomfort. It felt _wrong_ for me to just do whatever I wanted practically in my place of work. I let go of it as much as I could, allowing myself to be lost in Bokuto as he happily moved to the music. 

"Do you know this song?" I asked loudly over the music, which was probably a dumb question considering how in tune with the pulse he was.

"Yup!" he responded quickly. "It's on our hype playlist before games."

The movement of Bokuto's shoulders traveled down his arms, which in turn went through his hands and ended up moving me as well. I didn't hate it. "Hype playlist?"

"We play it in the locker rooms to get hyped up before we play. It ups the energy or something like that."

I just nodded in response and let him dance me around the rink, every so often getting pulled into another very unexpected dip. It surprised me that even though I wasn't moving, everything that Bokuto I was absorbing like sound waves. He wasn't embarrassed to just let his body move the way it pleased, and for a moment I envied his relaxed nature. But it wasn't strong enough to override the contentment he was pumping through me. Then the bridge went into the chorus and my composure went out the window.

_Now let it be, let it be, let it be known,_

_Hold on, go_

_"Touching and teasing me, telling me no_

_But this time I need to feel you_

_Ride it, when we're all alone,_

_Ride it, just lose control,_

_Ride it, touch my soul_

_Ride it, ride it, let me feel you..."_

All of a sudden I became hyper-aware of just how close Bokuto was to me. The only skin-to-skin contact we had right now was our hands, but the heat raced down my wrists and arms and lit my entire being on fire. We weren't moving fast but it was quick enough to blur every face I saw, but of course not his. My joints went stiff like a door that needed lubricated, and just like that I was frozen.

Through the growing haze I heard Bokuto, "I can see you getting nervous again."

"I can't help it," I snapped, tone harsher than I intended it to be. Guilt blossomed in my gut, but a few seconds later the heat from before was once again the only thing I could feel.

"Oh?" Bokuto grabbed me around the waist. I gasped at the sudden contact and he pulled us to a stop. Whether we were in the middle of the rink or an empty corner, I had no idea. He pressed his chest to my back and reached forward, his arms untangling my own from around myself. 

"You don't have to be so self-conscious around me, you know," he said, lips vibrating against my ear. The sensation sent shivers through my spine. Fingertips brushed down the side of my arm, guiding it out of its previous tense position. "I like everything you do," he guided my right arm across my chest, grabbing it with his left hand, and mirrored it with my left arm. With both our hands laced against my sides he kissed behind my ear, "I'm your boyfriend, but you're still scared I'm just another one of your judges."

Ah, there it was again. The comforting warmth in my chest, the hammering of my heart in my ribs, and now that new little knot in my lower belly. Together the three were like a spell put on me, and Bokuto was the one who cast it. I didn't want it broken in the slightest.

WAIT.

"Bokuto-san, did you just say..." My words trailed off after I turned my head to look at him, and met the intense smolder in his eyes. They were locked on nothing but me, swirling with want and adoration.

The corner of his mouth quirked up. "Boyfriend? Yes, yes I did. I think it sounds nice, don't you? _Your boyfriend..."_ He tipped his head back as he said the last two words, repeating it a few times like he was committing the feel of it on his lips to memory. He looked back down at me, now wearing a full-blown smile. "Don't you think?"

"It does sound nice," his fingers were tapping the beat of the song into my waist, and I had to pull myself out of the trance it was creating. 

"Glad you agree, Kaashi." Bokuto released my hands and wrapped his arms around my waist, pressing his front even more against my back. The solid, sturdy feeling of his chest behind me and his hold around my middle was making my head spin. "Since it sounds so good, how would you feel about calling me that?"

Oh, fuck. I was mere seconds and/or touched away from becoming putty in Bokuto's hands. One moment he'd be tiptoeing around me with caution and the next he'd turn into this. I'd be lying if I denied it turned my legs to jelly. The fact that _I_ wanted to be the one to ask was a quickly forgotten grudge as I turned around in his arms as gracefully as the ice and our close proximity would allow. Bokuto's eyes held onto me like there was no tomorrow, but his genuine, soft little smile pulled me in just as strongly. 

"Did you just ask me to be your boyfriend?"

His smile faltered for a second. "That would be correct."

I momentarily wished for a wall to bang my head into a few dozen times, because that was the single most stupid thing I'd ever asked. Did my IQ just take a dip whenever I got like this or something?

"I'm sorry, that was a dumb question. Wow, I am _so dumb."_

Bokuto snorted. "You are _not._ That I know for a fact. But the question is," he followed my eyes with his to hold my gaze, making me squirm, "Are you my boyfriend as well as not being dumb?"

After what was probably a sold minute and a half of eye contact, something in my snapped and I started giggling. I let my shoulders sag and my head fall on his shoulder, covering my mouth with one hand to hold in the laughter. 

He shot me a glare that would scare a dust bunny, "Are you _laughing_ at me right now?" I hiccuped and tried to pull myself together. The effort promptly went down the drain when his fingers started poking the sensitive spots on my ribs, and I was laughing all over again. "After I was all suave for you and everything!" 

"I'm sorry!" I howled between the fits of laughter. His other arm was still tight around me, leaving no chance of escape. I wriggled around in his hold and begged for mercy, face burning from smiling. I probably looked like a madman to all the other people at the rink, but I only cared about one other person right now. I had an answer I needed to give him.

"Only cute boyfriends get mercy. Only then will you be free!" Bokuto laughed maniacally as he continued his attack on my ribs. Then he hit one particular spot higher up on my chest and I really lost it. "Come on, use your words Kaashi."

"Yes!" I howled through a laugh. There were tears running down my face now. "I want you to be my b-b-boyfriend!"

And just like that Bokuto was off me, a very satisfied smile on his face. He sighed, it was a relieved sound. "I can't even be mad at you for ruining my smoothness right now."

"I think you killed it yourself by calling it _smoothness,_ Bokuto-san," I panted out.

"Oh, _I_ killed it?" he narrowed his eyes at me, not an ounce of venom in his tone. 

_"He definitely killed it first."_

Everyone in the rink looked up just then, mumbling in confusion at the sudden voice on the intercom.

Bokuto's eyebrows shot up, "Was that Konoha?"

_"Maybe."_

I rolled my eyes so hard I saw stars and grabbed Bokuto's hand, pulling him back into reality. "Let's pretend that didn't happen."

"I can do that."

_"Rude."_

Bokuto cringed and lowered his voice to a whisper. "How is he even doing that?"

"Unimportant," I declared, uncaring if Konoha's voodoo whatever picked it up or not. I inched closer to Bokuto and smiled, keeping calm in spite of my body hopping into overdrive. "Now your boyfriend needs you to take him home. These clothes are from practice and I'm assuming yours are as well."

Bokuto beamed at that, already leading me toward the exit. "Okay! Let's get coffee on the way since it's so cold out."

"Sounds good to me."

\--- 

The rest of that week had flown by with ease, and I couldn't have been more grateful. Thursday and Friday were mostly spent cleaning and doing program runs in preparation for our competition next Saturday. 

When I stepped off the ice Kenma was at my heels, mumbling something under his breath and pulling his phone out from somewhere I couldn't even fathom. It was a mystery to me how after all these years he was able to get through practice with it on his person the entire time. 

"There they are, just the men I wanted to see!" Kuroo hopped up from the table and held his arms out wide. "Kenma come give me a...hug...Kenma?"

The smaller of the two strolled right past Kuroo, ignoring his pleading, wiggled out of his skates and jackets, then curled up on the bench without a care in the world. Kuroo and I just looked at each other as we watch Kenma nearing the edge of sleep.

Kuroo touched a hand over his heart, eyes going glassy. "I don't know if I should cry because he ignored me or cry because he looks so cute."

"You are hopeless," I huffed, walking up to the bench. I wiped down Kenma's skates and organized his gear as best I could before handing the boots to Kuroo. "I hope you know where these go."

"I am indeed utterly hopeless and I do not feel bad about it whatsoever," he replied as he tucked the boots into their cloth bag. Kuroo looked back up at me, and this time the look on his face unsettled me. "And, uh, speaking of unsettling, your phone's been dinging for the past fifteen minutes or so. You might wanna check it out?"

"You didn't check?" I bent down and freed my aching feet from my own skates and hugged them to my side under one arm.

Kuroo scoffed, "You really think I'm that nosy? I'm offended."

I stared at him flatly. It took about five seconds for him to give in.

"Okay, it was an alert for a package that was shipped. Happy?"

"I will be when I'm home," I yawned. I made a small gesture toward Kenma, "I'd say make sure he gets washed up and in bed, but you love him so disgustingly much that I really don't think I need to."

"If that ain't the truth I don't know what is," Kuroo cooed, staring at his sleeping boyfriend lovingly. 

"Please get out."

"Please stop being bitter because you're jealous."

"Please cut your hair."

Kuroo gasped, voice winding into a pained whisper, "Low blow, Akaashi-san."

"Well, it was an insult for you, so that was my intention," I shouldered my bag and gave Kenma's hair a gentle rub before turning back to Kuroo. "Make sure you take the ponytail out or he'll wake up with a headache. I'll see you guys around." I turned on my heel and walked off, the smirk on my face growing wider with the sound of Kuroo's blubbering behind me. 

The minute I was all loaded up in my car, I threw on the extra coat on my passenger seat and jacked on the heater. As I fished my phone out of my backpack I found myself longing for Bokuto's heated seats and comfy bench. The bench worked rather nicely in my favor, it let me sit close to him without a center console blocking the way.

Heart fluttering at the though I sighed happily and unlocked the device. There were a couple of updates on my package like Kuroo had said, and one missed call that I accidentally cleared before I looked at it. A little excited, I tapped on the banner to see the update, and then I felt the color draining from my face upon realization.

It was a notification that the package had been safely delivered. There were some codes and time stamps as well, but everything else on the screen except for the address it was delivered to became a blur, because that definitely was not my apartment.

That was my mother's house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah, i did that:) next chapters gonna be a liiiiitle painful
> 
> thank you so much to the people who have left me a kudos! the notifications literally make my day you have no idea


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi all:) this update might come earlier than usual because I'm trying to wiggle around my schedule right now. Also, I’m currently aiming to make update days Saturdays now! Thank you to everyone who has left sweet comments and left kudos:)

Suga was there in five minutes flat. 

His car skirted through the parking lot at a speed much too fast to be considered safe and parked right next to me, the vehicle jumping when he slammed on the breaks. I wasted no time getting out and locking my own car behind me. 

"Keiji," Suga's eyes dragged over me and his face fell, no doubt due to my deflated appearance, "How did this happen?"

"Can we please just go already?" I kicked my sneakers off and pulled my knees to my chest, socked feet slipping beneath the leather seats. "My ankle pads were getting too worn, so I ordered more."

He glared at me and tapped on the steering wheel, "This car isn't moving until you buckle the fuck up."

"Sorry mom," I grumbled, but obliged quickly. While Suga drove, I rested my chin on my knees and stared listlessly out the window.

"You wouldn't be able to give me lip if you were a stain on the pavement, you know," he chided. His face softened when he glanced at me, "Hey, please tell me what's wrong. You needed new pads, and then what?"

I kept my eyes trained on passing traffic as I spoke. "I got the notification they'd been delivered after practice, but I somehow managed to fuck up an online order and accidentally selected mom's house as the delivery address." The words tightened my throat as they came out. "And before you say it, I know. I should've listened to you months ago and taken her address off my account. You were right."

"Of course I was right," Suga chuckled fondly. His hand found my knee and he squeezed it, "It's going to be okay, Keiji. I'll be right there next to you the whole time."

I laughed dryly, "You know damn well having a friend with me won't change a thing," my hand found his on my leg, "But thank you. For coming with me, I mean. And just for everything you do." My voice cracked on the last word and Suga released my knee to instead gently shove at my cheek.

"Oh, please, Keiji. You know I do it because I want to, so I'm not about to let you sit here and cry about it already." His hand dropped from my cheek and he smiled at me, "I'm coming over tonight and you can't say no because I've already decided. We're gonna do face masks and watch stupid movies, but we're stopping at my place first. What do you want for dinner?"

I felt my brows pull together, "Koushi, you don't have to do all that for me just because-"

"Because you're upset?" He interrupted, steering the car down streets that gradually pulled me back to my childhood. "I do. Did you really think I'd acknowledge that my best friend is upset and just leave them alone for the night without so much as a home-cooked dinner?"

"You are an angel," was the only thing I could muster as an answer, because we were pulling in next to my mother's car and my throat closed completely. 

"I'm right here," Suga said gently, pulling me out of the anxious swell I was already beginning to drown in. He maintained an unwavering smile as he got out of the car, but I could tell he was just as nervous as I was. With Suga at my side we walked up the driveway and to the front door.

When the package wasn't sitting in front of the door like I was hoping, my heart dropped. With my luck, looking for a bright side was always moot. Willing my arm to lift and knock on the front door was a painful effort, but I did it anyway.

It flung open less than a minute later, revealing my mother in the doorway. The cold air from inside the house rushed out into my face, and the familiar scent was anything but comforting. She crossed her arms over her chest and glared up at us, "Sugawara-san."

"It's nice to see you, Akaashi-san. How have you been?"

She ignored him and turned to me, frown only deepening, "Why is he here?" I saw Suga's eye twitch in the corner of my vision. 

"We were hanging out today," I explained flatly. In the moment mom took to consider this, I looked over her, and it reminded me how much I took after her and dad. Thick, dark hair rested in a bun on top of her head, a few curls falling out to frame her sharp features. She was significantly shorter than the both of us, but that didn't make her any less intimidating. 

She clicked her tongue at me, "You have practice on Saturdays."

Suga piped up, "We just got out, we came here right after."

"Come in, I have your package." Ignoring him once again, my mother stepped back from the door. The two of us entered the house with a couple of quiet thank-yous and stepped out of our shoes. Mom disappeared into the house, likely into the kitchen, and left the two of us behind. My body was begging me to just turn around and dip, but Suga linked his arm in mine.

"We'll make it quick. In and out, then home for the day, yeah? He didn't give me a chance to do anything but nod meekly as he lead us through the nostalgic halls of my home. As usual, the house was dark. Dark furniture, deep wood on the cabinets and such, lights dim and curtains drawn shut.

The first thing I heard when we made it to the kitchen was a pointed, "You look awful." She rested a hip against the counter and looked me up and down, "How low have you stooped to not so much as comb your hair?" Her eyes fell on my face and she slowly made her way to me. Her hand shot out and grabbed my chin, pulling my face down to her level. "I thought I told you not to wear these anymore, they're an eyesore," she tapped the side of my glasses and shook her head. "And from the looks of it, you haven't been properly maintaining your skin an eyebrows." She released my face and produced a planner from a nearby drawer, "You're pathetic. I didn't raise you like this."

It kind of offended me that she claimed to have raised me at all. All I could manage was an indeed pathetic "I'm sorry, mom."

"We were just at practice, Akaashi-san," Suga hopped in, always quick to defend. "It makes sense for us to look a little rough right now."

Mom shot Suga an unsatisfied look and he quickly dropped the subject, eyes falling on his shoes. She scribbled something down in the pink planner with another shake of her head. "I'm disappointed in you, Keiji. You are a figure skater. Holding your appearance to a higher standard is not something you can make excuses over." She closed the planner and put it back in the drawer, sliding it closed with little force, which somehow made it scarier than slamming it. "I'll be scheduling appointments for you to fix," she waved a hand at me, " _That._ With your skating in its current state, you have no right to be slacking anywhere else."

My blood went cold in my veins and I choked, "E-excuse me?" Suga moved in a little closer to my side, but I felt little protection from the woman in front of me. "What do you mean, 'in its current state?’”

"You know exactly what I mean, Keiji," she tapped her maroon nails obnoxiously against the marble counter, "Your last performance was mediocre at best, and I'm sure you're aware did not deserve the score you received." Mom walked slowly around the counter, eyes trained on me like her words were shooting to kill, and grabbed a small package from the dining table. "With where you are right now, I'm shocked you think it's okay to just," her face scrunched in disgust, " _take the day off._ One week from today, you're competing, and you're hanging out with friends instead of practicing." Her eyes skimmed over Suga and the disgusted expression didn't falter.

"Coach makes our schedules, not me. I can't stay at the rink all day." It was hard to miss the way her long nails bit into the package she was holding.

"It's not so much as _can't_ as it is _won't._ I'm starting to think allowing you to move out was a mistake."

My posture crumbled without my permission and my hands came together in front of me, the urge to rip the skin bubbling. "I am legally an adult, mother. I can move out if I want to."

As always my mother was a blunt woman, and today was no different. "Keiji, the Olympics are next year. You have no chance like this."

"The Olympics was _your_ goal last time I checked, mom."

She narrowed her eyes at me, "And?"

"Not _mine,"_ I could feel my hands clench into fists. My voice was teetering on the edge of venomous, but there was too much fear for this woman instilled in me to let it happen. "You're the one that wants me to be an Olympian, not me."

"I am your _mother,_ Keiji," her expression grew darker, words threatening and eyes bordering rage. "I know what's best for you and I will see to it that it is done. Don't forget who pays for your coaching, who bought you a car, who _brought you into this world."_

My stomach twisted like knotted rope and heat prickled behind my eyes, but a reassuring pat from Suga pulled me back. I held my hand out, "Please just give me my package."

Clicking her tongue, mom shoved the package to my chest and stared at Suga and I like our very presence was a nuisance. "You make too many stupid mistakes for a world champion, Keiji. I expect you to answer my calls within the next week, now," she looked up and scanned my face again, "Don't let these appointments go to waste."

I nodded, accepting defeat. I felt like a scolded puppy begging for forgiveness from its master as I said, "Yes, mother." 

A smile curled her mouth up and I had to suppress the urge to bolt when she came forward and patted my cheek. "There's my Keiji," her hand went to work redirecting my flyaway curls, "Things get better when you listen to your mother."

Suga cleared his throat, shifting in such a way that I was pulled behind him, and offered my mother a smile. "Thank you for keeping his package safe, Akaashi-san," he said sweetly. "We'll come by again sometime when Keiji's not as busy. Practice and all, you know?" I couldn't even argue as I was dragged to the front door. Suga flung it open and stuffed my feet into my sneakers before pulling on his own. Once they were on he pulled the door open and shooed me outside, wishing my mother a good rest of her weekend over his shoulder.

Mom followed a few steps behind and rested her hip on the door frame. The chilly wind outside ripped through and she wrapped her cardigan around her body. "Keiji."

I stopped dead in my tracks, causing Suga to lurch back and nearly hit me. "Yes, mother?"

"Do not forget where your purpose is." She didn't wave goodbye before swinging the door shut behind her, leaving Suga and I in the driveway. 

Suga shivered slightly, grabbing my hand and walking to the car with a newfound determination, "Let's get the fuck out of here already." When we were both strapped in he wasted no time pulling out of the driveway and down the street, merging back with normal traffic. "The fuck does she know about how good you're doing when she doesn't even _come to our competitions,"_ his grip went white on the steering wheel.

"Please just drop it. I'd rather pretend that this didn't happen," I fiddled with the package in my hand, toying with the tape before ripping into it. The box of ankle pads tumbled into my lap.

"Not once has this been acceptable," Suga growled. His glare was fixed on the cars in front of us. "I hate the way she speaks to you like you're her dress-up doll."

"But what can I do?" I protested weakly. But the protest was pretty useless, considering everything he said was true. The fact that she never took the time to come see me perform stopped stinging a long, long time ago. I really only ever saw her if she felt the need to reprimand me or remind me that I'm doing something wrong.

"I just-" Suga groaned, forehead dropping against the steering wheel. A moment later he straightened. He rested his head against the headrest, sighed heavily, then masked his irritation with a calming smile. "Actually, nevermind. Screw this. We're not letting her take up anymore of your energy today. He took a split second to change into a new lane, cutting it much too close for comfort. I quickly recognized this as the way to the grocery store. "What are you feeling for dinner?"

I sighed right back at him, "Suga, I can just order us dinner," I began.

"No, you can just go home and relax," he cut me off. "I'll pick since you're an indecisive little prick, then, and you're gonna like it!"

A laugh bubbled out of me and I held up my hands in defense, "Alright, alright, you win."

Suga killed the engine and shoved his keys in his pocket, followed by his wallet. "As I should." He stepped out of the car and smiled at me. "Now wallow in defeat while I go get ingredients. Does the loser have any final requests?"

"Green tea ice cream, please."

"There was already a pint in there last time I checked your freezer."

"Tooru ate it all when he stayed with me the other weekend," I informed him, and in that moment I wished I could've taken it back. 

Pain flickered over his features before it was quickly veiled with a smile that wasn't so genuine. He gave me a little "Okay" before shutting the door, locking the car, and jogging toward the grocery store.

While I waited I opted to open the box of Bunga pads, slicing the tape with my keys and shaking out the contents. There was nothing more relieving than throwing out your nasty old ones and replacing them with new ones that didn't reek with foot sweat. I laughed at the irony of it all, how the beauty aspect of figure skating was only the tip of the iceberg. My feet were definitely not pretty, after all the abuse I put them through.

I was flicking through a long thread of pictures showing Hinata and Natsu having a _Just Dance_ battle, courtesy of Oikawa, when the back door flung open. The rustle of plastic bags filled the car as Suga deposited the groceries inside and then deposited himself in the driver's seat. We left the lot and set a course for my apartment.

We were already through the lobby and getting into the elevator when he finally spoke, "Is he okay?"

There it was. The question that everyone was looking for the answer to, the unprecedented conflict that I just wanted to be squashed already. I replied, "I think it would be best if you went and talked to him yourself, Koushi."

"How the hell am I supposed to do that when the jerk is avoiding me?" The elevator chimed and we shuffled to my front door, Suga's anger threatening to boil over before we even got inside. "How am I supposed to fix it when he won't even _get near me_ right now?" Without thought Suga swiped my keys from my hand and unlocked my door while juggling grocery bags all the while. He plowed inside and went right to work unloading them.

Well, this wasn't exactly my area of expertise, but I had to try. I asked cautiously, "Why is Tooru avoiding you?"

The question caused Suga to recoil. He shut the fridge and put his face in his hands, murmuring, "I'm the worst friend ever, Keiji. I'm supposed to take care of him, take care of everyone, but instead I blew up at him, but I was just so worried and upset and _angry,"_ I quickly rounded the small island and came to his side, Suga's head finding refuge on my shoulder. "I made him hate me because I was trying so hard to just look after him. He hasn't talked to me in over a _week,_ I," he sniffled and I wrapped an arm around his shoulders, "I screwed up."

"Tooru doesn't hate you at all, you guys have been best friends all your lives. I'm sure he's just shaken up with his knee and everything and didn't know how to react." My heart squeezed when I felt moisture on my neck. "He did something stupid, but we all do stupid things, and that's why we appreciate you looking after all of us."

"He broke his promise," Suga said dejectedly, "He promised me he wouldn't push it after that night, when he went in for surgery he _promised."_

This whole "promise" thing Suga had been talking about must've been a part of the conflict that was only between them, because it was unfamiliar to me. "Koushi," I began, "We all know Oikawa is stupid sometimes."

"All the time," Suga corrected. I laughed gently and continued.

"But that's exactly why he needs you. And right now, I think he needs his closest friend more than ever." Suga lifted his head and looked at me. "He's home alone right now, probably crying like a baby over this. You're really gonna let the opportunity to bully him over that go?"

He cracked a smile and I sighed in relief at that. "What a waste that'd be," he sighed. "I'll go break in later tonight. I don't want to leave you alone after all...that."

My stomach twisted, the memory still sore from earlier. I opened my mouth to speak, but was silenced by the urgent ringing from Suga's pocket."

His eyes shot open upon recognizing the ringtone and he snatched his phone up, answering it quickly. "Hinata? Yes. Okay, okay, calm down--You _what?_ Are you--No, calm down, just--Hinata, shush! Are you safe?" I cocked a brow, worry simmering in the pit of my stomach from only hearing half the exchange. Suga sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "Okay, okay. Where is she now?" He glanced at me for a moment before saying, "No, I'll go. Just- call Kageyama-kun or something, okay? Get off the damn road." He hung up with a sigh and stuffed the phone in his pocket.

"Is everything okay?" I asked, eyes following him as he marched to the door. "Should I be worried?"

"Hinata's car got a flat," Suga informed me. "I have to go get Natsu from hockey practice, but..." his features became colored in distraught, "I don't want you to be by yourself." He gave me a pleading look while stepping into his shoes, "I'll call someone to come over, okay?" Just go relax."

Suga opened the door but hovered in the entryway. Seeing him in his, I realized that I was about to be alone. Alone with my thoughts in my dark apartment. I realized I was on the verge of tears then, too, but I knew I couldn't beg him to stay. I stared at the coats hanging in the entryway, pensive, and that's when the one person I wanted to see so badly came to mind. I look back at Suga, "I'll call someone. You need to get going."

I pushed him out the door after that, promising I'd do it as soon as he was gone because "it was getting late" and "I needed to eat." Once he was gone, I locked the door behind me and walked until my knees hit the couch and I crumpled onto it. I picked up my phone and took a deep breath and dialed. The call was answered in no more than ten seconds.

"Kaash!" Came the happy greeting, and my chest went tight.

In a sad little voice that I didn't recognize as mine, I answered, "I need you."

\---

It was truly something, how quickly human emotions could reduce somebody into a sobbing mess. What was even more astounding was how it could also hollow them out into a shell, thin and fragile. My chest was lit up in pain, spasms ripping through while I curled into the corner of the couch. I didn't need to look in a mirror to tell that my eyes were bloodshot, and the dread loomed over me like a grim reminder that this was the life I was living. This was the relationship I had with my mother and myself, and there was nothing I could do about it. 

The knock at my door ripped me out of the half-sleeping state I was in and I leapt up. I was still wearing my clothes from practice, and I probably smelled of sweat and disappointment, but I didn't have time to do anything about that now. Slowly, I went to the door and opened it.

Bokuto didn't say anything, didn't wait a second before opening the door the rest of the way and stepping inside, pulling me into a hug so warm and comforting that I would've cried if my body had any tears left. He toed the door shut behind him, "I came as fast as I could," he pulled me back by the shoulders, easily overpowering my resistance, and ran his gaze over my face. "Are you okay?" His hand came up and gently grabbed my chin when I tried to look away from him. "Please don't lie and say you are because I _know_ _you’re_ not. Whatever you need I'll do for you, Akaashi."

I really did try to lie, and it shocked me that he saw through me before I uttered a single word. A knot grew in my throat and I shook my head no. "I'm...not."

Bokuto leaned in close and I wished in that moment that the proximity would just take over my mind and rid me of this dread. He hugged me to him again and kissed my temple and I was grateful for how it soothed me, even if it wasn't much. "Well I'm here for you now, Kaash." He pulled away and I instantly wanted the contact back, but I let him take my hand and lead me into the apartment. Bokuto eyed the few forgotten grocery bags on the counter, then turned to me, "Hey, you hungry?"

"I-it's okay, Bokuto-san. I can wait to eat."

"Sure you _can,_ but that doesn't mean you _should,_ silly!" He smiled at me and just the sight of it warmed me like the first prick of sunlight after a hard winter. "You look dead on your feet. Still beautiful, but tired on top of that," he blushed faintly, "Go on and take a hot shower, then put on some comfy clothes. I'll take care of everything."

Currently out of will to argue, I turned and headed to my bedroom, leaving the sound of cupboards opening and pans clinking behind my closed door. I stripped and threw the clothing into the hamper before trudging into the shower. The water gushed cold at first and I bit back a yip, since humiliating myself in front of my boyfriend would just be the icing on the cake.

_My boyfriend..._

As soon as Bokuto came to mind, the water warmed up and I happily welcomed the steam into my lungs. 

I only realized just how vulnerable I felt when I exited my bathroom wrapped in nothing but a towel. And instead of wanting to burrow into bed and hide, I found myself wanting to be out there in Bokuto's arms. Tackling my feelings was not going to be easy, that much I already knew. But somehow the normal weight in my chest didn't feel as overbearing.

Cozy grey sweatpants and the long sleeved tee from Nationals that Hinata had accidentally bought three sizes too big for me were the ensemble I decided on for tonight. With a cowardly hunch in my back I trudged into the living room, but the sight I was met with didn't look my apartment at all. The clutter that had taken over the living room, the mountain of dirty dishes in the sink, the unfolded laundry at the dining table...was gone.

"Oh, you're done!" Bokuto dashed out from the kitchen, a hint of pink on his cheeks when he found he staring in awe at my living space. He rubbed his neck and smiled sheepishly, "I didn't want you to have anything extra to stress over right now so I kind of...yeah. I hope you don't mind."

"No, not at all," I smiled at him and I watched the tension leave his body. My heart was a puddle in my ribs at this point as I became overcome with affection for the man in front of me. "I don't even know what to say, Bokuto-san. Just… thank you so much."

"It was nothing," he waved me off and his usual big smile returned. "Dinner should be ready any minute, and I have a movie cued up in the living room while we wait!"

I let Bokuto lead me to the living room and he sat me down on the couch. He looked over me a few times then frowned.

Insecurity fluttered in my gut. I instinctively put a hand to my cheek, "What's wrong?"

"Your feet!" 

Perplexed, I repeated, "My feet?"

Bokuto pointed to my feet and said in a very serious voice, "They'll get cold with no socks," his eyes came up to my face and his eyes went wide, "And your hair's still wet!" He stepped back and surveyed the room, eyes falling on the hallway. "You stay right here. Where are your socks? I'll get your glasses while I'm at it, too."

My face reached a broiling hot temperature, "M-my room. Top right drawer o-on the dresser."

"Be right back!" Bokuto raced down the hall with heavy footsteps and for a moment I was grateful he wasn't there to see my composure crack. I buried my face into the couch cushion and groaned softly. 

When I lifted my head, Bokuto was in front of me, a collection of items in his hands. He plopped down on the couch next to me and I took my glasses from him with a small "thank-you", but I wasn't prepared for when he grabbed my legs and threw them onto my lap. I gasped softly at the tingling sensation of his fingers on my feet. "Bokuto-san, what are you doing?"

Bokuto just smiled at me and it was so sweet I felt unworthy of seeing it. He produced a pair of fuzzy socks he'd retrieved from my dresser and slid them on my feet, hands moving carefully in order to avoid the cuts and marks littering my skin. I tried to squeak an apology regarding their appearance, but Bokuto had quickly shut me down. He instructed me to lean my head forward and I obliged, only to find myself melting into the touch as he towel-dried my hair.

It was such a heavenly feeling that after a few minutes I only came down to earth when Bokuto gave my thigh a few gentle pats. After realizing my legs were still on his lap, I lunged off the couch. "M-my bad."

Bokuto laughed and stood to his full height, "Oh, I wasn't complaining about that. I was just letting you know that dinner's ready." He pulled the towel off my head and kissed both of my cheeks, "Let's get some food in you, you'll feel better after you eat." 

_I already feel better because you're here,_ I thought to myself as I followed him into the kitchen.

Bokuto immediately directed me to sit and not lift a finger as he served everything up. He produced two large bowls from the cabinets (without having to ask where they were, to my surprise) and scooped some steaming rice into each. Next, he pulled a skillet from the stove which I hadn't noticed before, and when he took off the lid the smell made my mouth water. He noticed me staring and chuckled quietly. "Hungry?"

"Very," I confirmed as I watched him place into each bowl a heap of fried pork, and caramelized onions, all encased in fluffy eggs. Bokuto drizzled sauce on top before topping the whole ordeal with chopped green onions. Smiling proudly, he set the bowl in front of me. I couldn't help but smile back at him. "Thank you, Bokuto-san. It smells delicious."

"I sure hope it does!" Bokuto poured two cups of tea as he spoke, "This weather's been relentless lately, so I figured something hot like Katsudon would be perfect for tonight," he winked at me, "Good for the soul, you know?"

Butterflies fluttered their wings in my belly at that, but it didn't feel bad. "Agreed," I replied softly. Bokuto closed his eyes and let out a satisfied sigh at that, then went to pick up our bowls. "I already have the coffee table set up so we can eat while we watch a movie. Can you grab the drinks and some chopsticks?"

"Of course." Bokuto carried our food to the living room as I gathered chopsticks and a large stack of napkins for good measure. I was just reaching for the cups when I was overcome with a feeling of warmth. At this point, that was just a given whenever Bokuto was near, but this one felt a little different. It had stemmed from the way he easily moved through my kitchen like he was comfortable in my apartment, happy. Or perhaps it was from him making me dinner and watching a movie with me.

Dinner and a movie. I really liked the sound of that. Smiling to myself, I went to join Bokuto.

We sat on the floor in front of the coffee table with our backs against the couch, shoulders bumping when I sat down. My butt hadn't even touched the wood yet when Bokuto leaned in and pressed a kiss to the corner of my mouth. I felt the wild blush cover my cheeks. Gaping at him I asked, "What was that for?"

He shrugged, and the way his smile went lopsided made me want to lean in and return the favor. "I told you before you signed up for this, did I not?" Then his brow furrowed, lines of worry creasing his face, "But I can stop if you don't like it."

I folded my legs neatly beneath me and took in a slow breath in attempt to slow my heartbeat before scooting closer to Bokuto. My head fit perfectly on his shoulder when I placed it there, "I do. I really like it."

Bokuto laughed softly and threw an arm around my shoulders, squeezing me tight and then letting go all too quickly for my liking. When I gave him a look, he only laughed harder. "You are too cute for your own good, you know that?"

My mouth fell open, a pitchy "Huh?" escaping me.

He ignored that thankfully, opting to pull the food in front of us. "You heard me, Kaashi. Nevermind that, though. Let's eat before this gets cold and then I'll kiss you all you want!"

The way I could _feel_ my own heart do a cartwheel at that made me want to punch myself in the nose. "I hope so," I mumbled under my breath, hopefully too quiet for him to hear.

We did a quick hum of thanks for the food and after that I could only stare in shock at the way Bokuto started inhaling his food. Seriously, this man ate like there was no tomorrow, and honestly, I found it kind of endearing. Starting the movie, I picked up my chopsticks, took a bite, and nearly moaned around my chopsticks.

"Oh my god, Bokuto-san, this is so good." Bokuto only hummed through a mouthful of food at that, however the blush was visible even when his cheeks were stuffed with food. It was a good indication that he agreed with me at least. I giggled and took my second bite while Bokuto polished off the first half of his katsudon. 

A few minutes later Bokuto was setting his empty bowl down. He slammed his chopsticks down, as if punctuating his satisfying meal, tipped his head back, and let out a tiny belch. His eyes flew open at that and he slapped a hand over his mouth. Cheeks turning a fiery red, he blurted out, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that."

At first I really tried to hold back the giggles, but giggles turned into snorts, and snorts turned into a full-blown fit of laughter. Bokuto just gaped at me with an adorably mortified expression. When I finally calmed down I clutched my stomach with one hand, sides aching. Without thinking I lifted my other hand to his face and caressed his cheek with the backs of my fingers. "That," I said between the lingering giggles, "Was the funniest thing I've ever heard."

Bokuto sighed in relief. He turned his head and nuzzled his nose into my palm, planting a kiss to the soft skin. "I love making you laugh," he said softly. With one last kiss to my hand he pulled away and smiled at me. "Now finish your dinner." 

Honestly, I was pretty grateful for him pulling my hand back down to the table, because at that point my brain had completely short-circuited. When I came back to reality I picked up my chopsticks and went back to eating. I took in little bites of food at a snail's pace, and I expected him to be kind of annoyed by that. But Bokuto threw an arm around my waist, ushering me to lean into his side as I ate, hand rubbing up and down my side. It was a kind of affectionate touch I really wasn't used to, but to my surprise, it felt natural. 

I finished the last of my katsudon and set it quietly on the table, but the faint clink still brought Bokuto's attention to me. "Done?" I nodded in response. Giving my back one final touch, he got up and took the dishes back to the kitchen. I used the time he was gone to vacate to the couch. By the time he got back, the end credits of the movie were coming to a close on the screen. 

Bokuto set two fresh cups of what smelled like hot green tea on the coffee table before settling next to me, back in the corner of the couch. In a gentle voice, he asked, "You feeling a little better now?"

Before my mind caught up with my body I was crawling across the cushions over to him. He lifted his arm for me immediately and I accepted the invitation, curling up into his side and pulling my knees to my chest. I felt his arm wrap around me and sighed, "A lot better, thanks to you."

He kissed the top of my head, "That's what I'm here for."

As the minutes ticked by, I slowly felt the weightlessness slip away, only to let the dread trickle back in. This was the part I _really_ wasn't looking forward to. But, just having him here felt so... _right._ Bokuto being here. Eating dinner with him on the living room floor. Watching him navigate my kitchen like his own. I wanted him to stay, or at least come back so I could watch him all over again.

I had no hope of keeping this with Bokuto if I continued on like this. Eventually, bottling up my feelings would just hurt us both. Sickened and spurred on by the possibility, I sucked it up. Sitting criss-cross I turned my body to fully face him and put a couple inches between us. I didn't like doing that at all, but the sane part of me knew focus wouldn't be an option if I didn't do this.

Bokuto looked at me and confusion colored his tone, "Hey, what's wrong?"

Taking a deep breath in, I looked him square in the face. "Bokuto-san, there are... some things I want to talk to you about, if it's okay with you. They're personal and difficult for me to talk about, so I understand if you'd rather not."

Bokuto just smiled. He reached out and covered my hands with his, the warmth of his skin soothing me. "Anything you need, I'm here for you, remember?" He laced our fingers together and it felt like the perfect fit, his thick fingers against my slender ones. 

The kindness in his eyes was almost too much for me and I dropped my head low, "I'm sorry."

"What in the world are you apologizing for?"

My chest went tight, "For not opening up to you sooner, I guess. You've been supporting me all this time, and I'm only just now letting you in, even though you didn't hesitate to let _me_ in."

"You don't need to be sorry about that at all, Akaashi. I had no problem with waiting till you were ready, because you being comfortable is what's most important to me." He gave my hands a squeeze, "Now talk to me."

The whole ordeal of explaining this to Bokuto was, for lack of a better word, ugly. Despite my tear ducts being overworked earlier, my vision blurred with tears not even five minutes in. My original plan wasn't to tell him much at all, but I ended up telling him everything. Upon losing control of myself I let the bitter words tumble out and they stung like bile. As I told him about my rocky relationship with my mother, I watched his face morph into dozens of pained expressions. He didn't utter a word, but still reassured me he was listening with small physical gestures.

I told him about this morning following that. How my mother only saw me as an object she could train and decorate instead of a son. How just going home was terrifying to me and how she treated Suga poorly. It ended up segwaying into something deeper and I had no means of stopping the word vomit. When I dove into the past, he let me.

My very first memories were of me in skates. Fears of embarrassment out the window, I even told him about how in high school I was severely bullied for being a male figure skater, because a male doing something viewed as "feminine" is obviously something to be looked down on, and how my mother hated how it interfered with my focus. I shared that she moved me to online schooling and out to Tokyo so I could work with better mentors and in turn train for the Olympics. 

When I approached the topic of my crippling fear and anxiety over the sport, I literally had to take a break and hug myself to stop the trembling. My face was wet and hot, but there was a feeling inside me. Like a weak dam finally finding release and letting the water burst through. Bokuto moved his hands up and down my arms, squeezing them every few inches and whispering words of encouragement for me to go on. I was starting to love the feeling that yes, it really was okay with him there.

The final point I reached in my seemingly endless vent was the hardest one of all: Dad. My father's untimely death and fatal fight with cancer was a topic I couldn't even bring myself to open up over with our little squad. They of course respected it, but keeping it in probably hurt me much more than prodding would have. And this was when Bokuto's glazed eyes could no longer fight back the tears. He sat quietly as I told him about the man who felt like my only source of support and affirmation I had until we moved while fat tears rolled down his cheeks. I told him about how he was my cheerleader, how I felt like I could be accepted as the kid I was for him, and even how my Axel was his favorite jump. (It really wasn't necessary, but at this point I wasn't exactly holding things back.)

Somewhere along the way I retrieved my wallet, pulled out the picture of my father, and held it out to Bokuto. He took it with careful hands, like one wrong move and the Polaroid would disintegrate. Eyes puffy and earnest, he studied the picture, then looked back up at me. "You take after him," he smiled.

Even though I was hurting, I smiled back, "I did. That is, until he got sick."

For the very first time ever, I shared with someone what it was like to watch my brilliant, kind, loving father wither away in cancer's undefeated hold. When I told him about the days leading up to his death, how my mother refused to take me out of training to see him, his eyes grew dark with an anger I'd never seen before. It only made my heart rip further, so I quickly moved on to the program I was working on at the time, to the song _Slow Dancing in the Dark_ by an artist in America. The program had quickly become my most favorite one out of the dozens I'd had, but it all came crashing down around me upon the grim announcement of dad's death. 

Bokuto looked the most upset to me when I told him about how I spiraled out of control after that. The anger returned when he heard how my mother had handled the situation. 

"So... that routine you did the night I went to the rink with Hinata. That was..?"

"Yes, it was that program," I confirmed somberly. "Eventually I got used to the sting that came along with performing it, and to make sure I never forgot it, I went to the rink after hours and skated it on the weekends," I watched Bokuto's face scrunch in thought.

He stole a glimpse at me, “If you don’t mind me asking, what kind of..?”

“Lung,” I explained, my conscious’s fingers carefully turning the pages of painful memories. “He himself did not smoke much, but sometimes we take our health for granted, and things like secondhand smoke become overlooked

"It's like it became your own way to commemorate him, you know?" Bokuto massaged my thighs gently, which had at some point been thrown into his lap, hands keeping within a respectful range. I was so thankful for the comfort. Without it, I was scared I'd be torn from reality, or worse, from him. "I can tell you hate that you didn't go to the funeral, or visit his grave, but I can also see that you just _couldn't._ And you know what?" Bokuto extended a hand, gently tucking a loose curl behind my ear, "That's _okay._ Coping is hard. God, it's one of the hardest things for people to endure. It shatters people into a million pieces to watch their loved ones go through pain," his eyes dimmed, like a solemn memory played behind them on a dull projector in heavy grey. 

"I don't think you understand how strong you are, Akaashi, and I'm not saying that in a patronizing way. This shit is hard. It grabs your heart and rips it to pieces without mercy. It takes until there's nothing left of you. But you, Akaashi," he ran a hand lovingly over my hair, then traced the side of my face, "You went through this all by yourself." Tears continued to stream down his face as he went on, touch never leaving me, "If I could go back in time, I'd make us meet sooner, and be right there for you the whole time."

"But you're here for me now," My legs started to bounce anxiously and Bokuto's hands quickly returned, kneading the muscle with care until it stopped, "And that's more than enough for me."

He flashed me a loving smile, and in that moment everything good I'd ever felt came rushing back, and the haze of clouds slowly, but surely, began to part. I let him pull me close, wholly accepted the gentle kiss when he connected his lips with mine. My hands found the sides of his face and his arms encircled my middle. Through my lips I did everything in my hen I paused, "I wish you could have met him."

Caring hands roved up and down my back, reminding me that he wasn't going anywhere, even after this whole mess. "I wish I could have met him too, Kaash. He seems like a totally awesome dude," his head tipped to the side and I followed his eyes to the picture on the coffee table, "He looks like a super proud dad."

"You think so?" I replied softly. My hands walked up his neck and found refuge in his hairline. Bokuto sighed in satisfaction at my touch.

He hummed, "I know so," he leaned back to look at me and smiled brightly, "With someone like you to call his son, how could he not be?"

I let out a little groan, hiding my face in his neck like a flustered child. Voice quiet, I replied, "I bet your parents are proud of their son, too."

"You're sweet Akaashi," he giggled as he pressed kissed to my ears, "No wonder you like sweets so much."

On a more serious note, I pulled away from Bokuto and put his hands on his shoulders. He watched my face expectantly, arms remaining around my waist. I looked him in the eyes as I spoke, doing my best to convey sincerity as well as he always did for me. "Thank you so much for listening to all of this. I know it's a lot and it's heavy, but thanks to you, I feel so much better now," I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him tight. It felt amazing. "It's not easy for me to talk about my feelings with anyone. Hell, I've barely spoke with my friends about dad. But just you being here helped me find the courage, and talking to you felt natural. I don't think I could ever thank you enough for the kindness you've shown me, Bokuto-san."

"You know I was extremely drawn to you from the moment I saw you. You have no idea how happy it makes me to know you feel comfortable with me, too." Bokuto's arms tightened around me and I pushed closer to him. "We've only been together for a short time, but I still feel so strongly for you, Akaashi. No amount of time will ever put a limit on how much I care about you, or me being here for you."

The low rumble of thunder sounded outside. From a distant a bolt of lightning went streaking across the sky, a vein of light in the dark, and then came the hiss of rainfall. I caught wind of an idea, and after a few moments of contemplation I just couldn't let it go. 

"Bokuto-san?"

He nuzzled against my neck, humming in response. The vibration made me shiver a little.

"Could you possibly...maybe...stay with me a little longer? Just until the storm lets up?"

Instead of a laugh in the face like I was expecting, I received a long, entrancing kiss to the lips. 

"I'll stay for as long as you need me, Kaashi."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will there be smut next chapter? Will I just make Akaashi uncomfortably horny? I'll decide in the car


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW I'm at 3k hits and I didn't even realize it??? Thank you all so frikin much!!! For reading, leaving kudos, commenting, and all that great stuff. Hope you enjoy this week's update, it was a bitch to write but I made it through:)

Any bold streak I may have had while Bokuto was here was gone as quick as a wink. Now I was doing everything in my power to avoid the athlete, and he was literally in my house.

Bokuto tidying up the space while I was in the shower had really thrown me for a loop earlier, and it was very possible that I was still recovering. The more I stole glimpses at him as he moved around the apartment, the more I started to realize I may have misunderstood. Bokuto wasn't ripping through my kitchen and snooping through my drawers. Everything he did was careful and he maintained a respectful distance. The dishes he had washed earlier were tucked safely away in the cupboards. The counters were wiped down, but the items that made up the clutter were still there, only handled enough to clear it up. The only thing that rubbed me the wrong way at first was that he'd folded that basket of laundry, but I decided to let it slide, since it was only practice clothes.

I think the main reason I wasn't bothered by Bokuto doing this was the _face_ he was wearing. It was just so pure, heartfelt and sweet, as if his eyes were the very proof that confirmed he had no ill intentions here. As if he ever would have that in the first place. A tiny voice in my head was trying to convince me it was too good to be true. How would someone like me ever get so lucky, having a boyfriend like him? I would never know. I wasn't even fully convinced that these past few weeks have been real.

"Kaashi, are you sure you don't need help?" Heavy could be heard from the living room, and into the kitchen came Bokuto. His spiky hair was only half intact now, due to the fact that his cheek was smashed against my shoulder during our movie. 

I shut off the sink and moved the last bowl onto the drying rack before drying my hands on my pants. Keeping my eyes down I shook my head softly, "It's alright, Bokuto-san. You've already done so much for me, the least I can do is let my guest relax."

"But _you're_ supposed to be relaxing too," I almost dropped the cup I was wiping down on my foot when Bokuto threw his arms around my waist, hugging me from behind and resting his chin on my shoulder. He watched the tranquil scene of raindrops racing down the window. "And it's cold without you."

"I can turn on the heater if you want!" I blurted out, hands stalling over the sink. I hurriedly put the cups on the rack and dried my hands again. "Or I can get another blanket, or a jacket, but I'm not sure if it'll fit."

Bokuto snorted softly, the vibration traveling down my skin giving me chills. His arms tightened around me and I couldn't help but lean into the warmth. "I'm just messing with you, but I would like you to come back and cuddle with me." He littered my face with kisses. The light touch made me giggle and I playfully shoved at his face, but it only made him laugh in return and continue on. Then he started making his way down and suddenly his lips on my skin were sending a tickling sensation through my chest. He kissed my ear, the side of my jaw, and when he got to the soft spot on my throat, my laugh turned into a hushed little gasp.

For a second Bokuto pulled away, breath warm against my skin as he hovered over the spot. "Is that okay?"

Softly, I said, "Do it again," and his kiss returned to my throat. I let out a satisfied sigh and ran my hands up and down his arms as Bokuto placed gentle kisses all around my neck. At one point my head lolled back against his shoulder. With more access granted, he advanced to my shoulder. Nuzzling where my neck met my shoulder, I felt his lips part slightly as he continues. The kisses became hot, wet, and sensual in a way that I didn't think was possible with just a kiss. 

Bokuto released my waist, but only for a split second to flip me around so I was facing him, then guided me back until I bumped against the counter. With one hand on my waist, he reached up and ran a hand through my hair. He brushed the curls fondly out of my face. His eyes locked onto my face, and he smiled, "You're so beautiful."

I leaned into his touch and closed my eyes. "I don't know if I'd say that..."

"Well you don't have to. I just did, and I'm right, so no disagreeing."

"You're too sweet, Bokuto-san."

He bumped our noses together, "I'm just stating the obvious, Kaashi. I don't know who's told you what in the past, but you really are beautiful to me."

"I think you are too," I prayed he couldn't feel my blush when he cupped my cheek, "Inside and out. You're just such a good person, and I--I'm--"

"You're what?"

"I'm just...me?"

He cocked a brow, "Why are you saying that like a question?"

"I don't know," I groaned and hung my head, "I'm just not that special. I'm not outgoing and funny and easy to approach like you. I'm not good with people, being friendly, all of that. I'm nowhere near as good as you."

Bokuto pulled away and cupped my face with both hands, looking at me square in the eyes. "You may not be _like me_ in some ways, but that has nothing to do with your worth as a person. If you were to change, or start being like something else, then I would be heartbroken."

"Heartbroken? Why?"

He stroked tenderly over my cheek, "Because then you wouldn't be Akaashi. And I like _you,_ just the way you are." I couldn't help the little smile that crept onto my face after he said that. He kissed my forehead. "Just because you're not super extroverted, does not mean that you are not a good person. Not in any way, shape or form."

My heart swelled in my ribs. Bokuto really was unreal. I allowed my body to fit perfectly with his in his embrace, my arms encircling his neck. "How did I get so lucky with such a sweet boyfriend?"

Bokuto's hands came to rest on my sides and he leaned in until there was little space between us. "I'm the lucky one, if you ask me," his eyes flitted down to my mouth and my pulse skipped a few beats. Once I realized what he wanted, I pulled him down gently and closed the distance between us. His lips folded over mine in a tender kiss, soft and slow. It felt like he was trickling into me and I let him, let the moment seep in through my pours. The only sound in the room was the muted rumble of the storm outside and our bodies beginning to rub a little closer. 

We parted for a short moment to catch our breath, but Bokuto took one look at me and pressed his mouth against mine again. This time, his hands squeezed my waist, drawing my body up against his. I kissed him back, needy for the contact, my fingers dipping into his hairline. Bokuto gently tipped my head and deepened the kiss, every so often pressing a little closer or holding a little tighter. At one particular touch to the small of my back my body reacted without my permission. My hips jumped forward and I moaned a little from just that friction. 

Bokuto hummed in approval at that, swiping his tongue against my bottom lip in request. I took the hint and parted my lips. Bokuto slid his tongue into my mouth immediately. He licked slowly across my teeth, up to the roof of my mouth and I squirmed against him. Our tongues twisted together in a heated dance before he coaxed my tongue into his own mouth. As he sucked on it gently I was overtaken by the taste of him. It was sweet, tasting faintly of the tea we'd drank, and it drove me crazy. Bokuto's knee found his way between my thighs. My instinct took control and I ground down into the contact, needing more friction. Little moans and sounds I would've found mortifying continued to leave me, but almost all of them were muffled by Bokuto's mouth on mine. 

Bokuto's assault didn't stop there. He released my waist in favor of my hips, squeezing them firmly. I yelped at first, but it quickly melted into more moans as he remained the captivator of my lips. I was scared I would come right then in there when Bokuto pulled away. I panted relentlessly, lungs scraped of needed oxygen.

He took my bottom lip between his teeth, nipping and sucking gently at the flesh as his hips came forward and met mine. That was when I felt his erection against mine, hard and indistinguishable even through his jeans. White hot pleasure soared through my veins. My hips bucked forward and I gasped, accidentally pulling the hair I'd been holding. 

"I-I didn't mean to--"

"It's okay," Bokuto licked my bottom lip softly, soothing the flesh he'd just bitten, then rested his forehead against mine. He stared at me through hooded eyes, pupils blown wide. "I like everything you do to me."

_I want him._

With shaking hands I took his collar and brought him down to my level again. I had no idea how to tell him how I felt, or if I wanted something, but I needed to try. 

"B-bokuto-san, can we..."

_I want him so badly but I don't know what exactly._

He kissed me again, arms sturdy and strong around me, but pulled away before things could escalate again. "God, Akaashi, I--Are you sure?'

Doubt pooled inside me and soon I realized the mistake I might have potentially made. "I'm so sorry, I didn't even ask if you wanted that and I just-"

There it was again, that kiss that turned my insides to mush, accompanied by the sweetest taste I'd ever tasted. "Akaashi," he breathed against my lips. "It's not that at all. I want you. I want you so badly it hurts," he lowered his head and sucked at the skin beneath my jaw. "But more than anything I want you to be comfortable. If you're not ready, I'll wait as long as you need me to If you don't want to do anything yet, I won't be upset."

I placed my hands on his shoulders, grounding myself, "I'm not ready t-to... go all the way, but I want..."

"We can do anything you feel okay with," Bokuto took my hand from his shoulder and brought it to his lips. He kissed my fingertips, "I don't want you to feel pressured at all, so just say the word and I'll take care of you."

_Take care of me._

Yeah, I was pretty sure I was perfectly okay with that now. 

I wasn't sure what the right words were to let him know I wanted him too, so, so badly. So, I bundled those words up and presented them to Bokuto by crushing our mouths together. 

Bokuto's hands were on me in an instant, snaking up under my shirt and exploring every inch of my skin. I reveled in the feeling of those calloused palms as he led us out of the kitchen, still connected. I wrapped my arms around his neck and whimpered into the kiss, desperate for just a little more tongue, just a little more friction, until we both tumbled onto the couch. 

He landed on top of me, but didn't miss a beat as he knelt between my thighs. His erection, which now felt so hard it seemed painful, was pressed flush against mine as his mouth molded against mine in a fervent kiss. 

The haze parted a moment later when Bokuto broke the kiss, and the next my shirt was in his hands. He pulled it up over my head and tossed it aside somewhere. It didn't matter at the moment though, because the cold air connected to my bare torso and goosebumps rose on my skin. 

Bokuto's eyes raked over my torso before he lowered his lead. His hands held my hips firmly, grinding against me in a pace that made my head spin as he licked and sucked at my neck. A collection of gasps and moans spilled out of me and I did my best to grind back down into his friction. Every nerve on my body lit up like a Christmas tree when Bokuto bit down on the base of my throat. 

" _A-aaah,"_ my hands tugged sharply at his hair. The pain as he raked his teeth over the spot made my skin buzz in pleasure. He licked the spot in a soothing manor before moving on to suckle at my collarbone. Something inside me just knew that Bokuto had left some sort of mark, and I wasn't bothered by that at all. In fact, it only made me dizzier. 

Bokuto detached from my neck, licking and nipping a slow trail up to my jaw, "God,"then down to the center of my chest at an agonizingly slow pace, "You're really turning me on."

I wasn't prepared for when his mouth took in one of my nipples, lulling me into a trance as he lapped over it with his tongue, then ripping me right out of it when he bit down on the bud. I cried out, back arching into him and hands balling up the fabric of his shirt. 

Bokuto abruptly leaned away from me, tugging me along with him by my wrists. I was momentarily grateful I wasn't standing, because the way his voice dropped an octave made me knees go weak. "Get on top."

Everything shattered in that instant, and all I could do was just that. Bokuto sat back on the couch and I obediently followed, one leg swinging over his until I was straddling his lap. He grabbed my roughly by the hips and yanked me down against him, grinding hard and smashing our lips into a kiss burning with passion. I gripped at the fabric of his shirt. I was officially hopeless. Clay in his hands. 

I grabbed the hem of his shirt and tugged pathetically, "T-take--Take it off, _please."_ Bokuto just raised his arms and I followed through, peeling the shirt off his body and tossing it aside. The sight beneath me nearly stopped my heart then and there. I quickly leaned down and took Bokuto in a heated kiss. I ran my hands down the blazing expanse of his shoulders, arms, and back as Bokuto pressed our chests flush together. He was all hard muscle, and somehow it just felt even better without clothing in the way. I eagerly let his tongue coax at my own to intertwine the two, but stalled when his hands fell at the waistband of my sweatpants. 

"Just say the word. I'll give you anything you want."

I was pretty much set on exactly what I wanted, so I simply put my hand over his, making him cup my length through my pants. A fierce blush was blazing over my face, but I didn't care. "Please... just _touch me."_

Bokuto leaned in, lips ghosting over the shell of my ear. A moment later his hand plunged below my waistband. He wrapped his hand around my cock and I cried out at the rough heat. I wanted more, _needed more._

"You're so fucking hot," he purred, voice rumbling and deep. "We only made out and you're already dripping." As to prove his point, he pumped me languidly a few times before running his thumb over my head. 

_"B-bokuto! I-aahh,"_ a mix of gasps and moans slipped from my lips as Bokuto continued to stroke me slowly. His teeth and lips attacking my collarbone were threatening to pull me under, but I managed to free one hand and pressed it to the tent of his jeans. Bokuto hissed, teeth clenched, and bucked into my palm. My spine arched as he settled a hand to the small of my back. "Want to...t-touch you too."

"Jesus, Kaashi," Bokuto growled, but he was already moving to help me unbutton his pants, "You're gonna kill me."

The minute the zipper was all the way down I yanked the clothes down, boxers and all, until his cock sprung free against his stomach. He looked so hard it was painful, the skin a fiery red. Pre-come trickled down his length in such a tantalizing manor, I couldn't help but reach out and give an experimental stroke. He was thick, twitching against my palm, and I was already fantasizing about feeling him everywhere. 

I was brought back to the present with Bokuto's rough grunt. He pulled me down until our lips met and began pumping me at a much more intense pace. I moaned loudly into his mouth, but the sound was muted between the mess of teeth and tongues and heaving breaths. "You're so fucking good, Akaashi," he purred, lips brushing my skin. The pleasure blinded me from the lingering fear that I had no idea what I was doing, much less how to give a hand job. And so I simply mimicked Bokuto's actions as best I could. 

It worked for twenty seconds tops until he wrapped his hand around both of our lengths, and I was suddenly teetering over the edge. 

Bokuto rolled his wrist ever so gently, slicking our skin with more pre-come. I bucked shamelessly against him. The feel of his cock against mine while he pumped us both toward a sweet release was making every nerve in my body go haywire. Every pass of his thumb over my slit ripped a gasp out of me, every pump filling my stomach with more and more unbearable heat until my hips started to jump at an erratic rhythm.

" _Bokuto-san, I-I'm so close, d-don't stop..!"_

His only response to that was a rough grunt muffled in the crook of my neck, and he picked up the pace until he was stroking us so fast my vision was going white. " _Me too... fuck, you feel so amazing."_ Spurred on by his voice, his hand roaming all over my body, his mouth teasing my chest, and just everything about him, I didn't slow down one bit. I called out his name in time with each pump as I gripped his shoulder for support. My free hand joined his around our cocks while we both thrust into the wet heat. 

And all in a flash, searing hot bliss exploded in my stomach. I cried out at the most pleasure I'd ever felt before. I came into our hands, mind going blank on every thought except for the man beneath me. 

Bokuto groaned like the very thing he'd just witnessed was killing him. I tightened my grip on his cock, letting him thrust with a newfound strength into my hand. As he rubbed against my newly spent cock, my body vibrated from the over-stimulation, but it felt so good I didn't fight it. We locked our mouths into a passionate kiss as I pumped his length. 

_"Akaashi..."_

I had no idea how, but the sound of his voice sent all of my blood shooting right back into my body. Maybe it was due to the fact that it was my very first time being touched like this by another person, or that I couldn't even remember the last time I'd touched myself it was so long ago. But all that aside, I was rapidly growing harder and harder against him, pre-come coating our fingers and filling the room with lewd little squelches. 

Teeth bit deep into my shoulder, making me throw my head back and let out a yelp. Bokuto suckled at the soft skin at my throat before ducking his head and taking my nipple between his teeth. His gruff voice muffled by my skin, he moaned my name. 

" _B-Boku--Aahh..!!"_

With one final stroke and a buck of my hips I came all over again. Bokuto wasn't far behind, hips shooting up with such force he lifted me up off of the couch. Together we rode out our orgasms, our breaths mixing until our muscles fully relaxed.

I promptly collapsed against his chest and my rested my head on his shoulder. Bokuto chuckled breathy, and hoarse. If I hadn't already come twice I'm sure that alone would've made me hard again. His clean hand came to tenderly stroke my hair and I felt every part of my body melt into ease against him. It was sort of reassuring in a way. The fact that after this, he had no intention of leaving me alone.

"That was..."

"Amazing?" Bokuto finished for me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me tight enough to knock the air from my lungs. "Because that's definitely what I was thinking."

"Yeah," I hummed softly. I buried my face in his neck and kissed the warm skin. My body was starting to get cold, but Bokuto was there for me, rubbing the stroking the goosebumps away and holding me against his warm chest. It was the most heavenly thing I'd ever felt. "Amazing."

Eventually, we cleaned up with whoever's shirt was closest, my legs much too unstable to go get a towel and both of us much too eager to hold one another closer to do it properly. I curled up in Bokuto's lap and his arms hugged me to him. It was bliss. It was everything I wanted and more. 

_\---_

Bokuto had ended up leaving sometime past midnight that night, but we were too wrapped up in one another to really care how late into the night it was. It was hard to let him go, but it was also nice to remind myself that it wouldn't be long before I saw Bokuto again. 

I woke up the following morning in a pleasant, blissful mood. Getting out of bed begrudgingly I made my way over to my bathroom. The image my mirror held filled me with ecstasy, to say the least. 

Blotches of deep purple, big and small, littered my skin. I traced the one highest on my neck, which was just above my collarbone, then walked my fingers down to the hickeys on my chest and abdomen. Looking at them filled my head with memories of last night. I couldn't wait to feel his teeth on my skin again, taste him on my tongue. It was only our first night doing this kind of thing and I was already wanting more. 

Was that a little pathetic?

I laughed the thought off while I brushed my teeth and washed my face. Hair was a little bit of a disaster, but that was okay. I raked my hands through the curls a few times until I didn't look like a bog monster. Tugging my sweatpants on to be at least half covered, I floated into the kitchen with an idiotic smile plastered on my face.

However that feeling of weightlessness was pretty short-lived, because another body rammed headfirst into my stomach and sent me packing.

"What the hell--" I caught the brunt of the fall on my hands, pulling myself up to get a look at my attacker and _oh, no._ Suddenly I was really regretting not putting on a shirt. 

The attacker, none other than Hinata Shouyou, threw his arms around me in a back-cracking hug. "Keiji-kun, go get ready! We're all going to breakfast!" He put some distance between us and I sighed in relief. It was too early in the morning for him to be yelling in my ear. 

"Shoyou, I can't go anywhere if you're on top of me."

"Oh yeah! Sorry," he laughed and hopped off, helping me to my feet. I could tell when he got an eyeful of my chest, because his eyes peeled open. He lifted a hand, pointing suspiciously at my neck, "Um, Keiji-kun, what are those from?"

"I think I'd like to know the same thing," Suga appeared from somewhere in the kitchen and I felt my heart drop into my stomach. His eyes were stone-cold, but a smirk ticked at his lips. "Busy night?"

I gulped, "Something like that." Hinata piped up and asked what I was doing last night, and I smiled gently at him. "I had a little movie night with my boyfriend, that's all."

"Movie night!?" Hinata cheered. 

"Boyfriend?!" Suga screeched at the same time, a huge smile splitting his face. He grabbed my shoulders and shook me violently, "So it's not just dating anymore?!?! You guys made it official?!?!"

"K-koushi!" I grabbed his wrists and forced him to stop, head spinning. "Are you trying to kill me?"

"Nope. But I will kill you soon because you didn't tell me about your first kiss _or_ your first wild night."

My heart was now so deep in the pits of my stomach, I could no longer feel my pulse. I paled, "H-how did you know--"

"Unimportant!" Suga declared, grabbing me by the wrist. "You've got some explaining to do. We now also have to figure out how you're supposed to cover all that up at practice tomorrow!" Suga leaned in and considered my chest, letting out a low whistle. "Bokuto-san did not hold back with these love bites, did he?"

"Can you _not?"_ I threw a glance in Hinata's direction, giving Suga a warning glance. 

Suga snorted, "Oh, don't worry about him. You should've seen the state he was in when I picked him up this morning."

My jaw fell open. "The _what-"_

"Off topic!" Suga clapped his hands, "We're getting off topic. Shoyou," he pointed to our bubbling younger friend, "Go call everyone else. Let them know this bitch is still alive and he was just ignoring our calls this morning."

"Okay!" Hinata hopped away, hitting the couch with an unceremonious plop before digging out his phone. 

Suga turned to me, and fixed me with a glare that could probably freeze Hell over. "And _you._ You have some explaining to do, Keiji."

"And what do I have to tell you?" I asked, even though I already knew the answer.

His eyes sparkled mischievously, "Everything, of course!"

And with that I was dragged away into my bedroom, mentally preparing for the biggest lecture and interrogation of a lifetime. The really bad part was that I knew this was only round one. Once Oikawa caught word (which he inevitably would with Hinata and Suga here) things would only get more chaotic. 

With friends like these, as great as they were, it was totally embarrassing to share, in Suga's words, _"All the juicy details."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You are now free to drop any smutty or non smutty scenes you'd like to see in this work;) anything is possible cus i read all the comments
> 
> Anyway, thank you for commenting and leaving kudos! Please have a great rest of your week and STAY HEALTHY!!!
> 
> Also totally random but if u found this story from tik tok comment something I’m curious


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> update time!!! school is hard, but life is hard, so please enjoy this chapter at 10:21 at night:)))))

_"Next up in his program we have a Triple-Axel, Double-Loop, Triple Salchow combination. Here it is--Another flawless execution from Akaahi Keiji!"_

The announcer's voice was just a raindrop in a storm of noise as the rink erupted with cheers. But even with all of this sound coursing through the arena, my body only internalized the push and pull of the piano. It was what I was trained to do, after all.

_You almost over-rotated in the middle of that, Keiji. Be unmovable._

I had so much adrenaline in my veins that fatigue just wasn't an option. I was also pretty aware of the announcer's voice praising my scary stamina, which was still persevering even in the final half of the program.

The announcer aided my transition into the step sequence, and I zeroed in once again. Right now, I was nothing but the performer. There were only three things that existed to me in this moment-myself, the ice, and the blades on my feet that connected me to it. Strings and piano danced wildly through the air, painting the cold space with vibrant color that exploded on every surface and covered any white. It was my own canvas and artillery of paints. What better way to use them than to draw the crowd in?

Each pass of my hand over my body was smooth, movements crisp, but at the same time I flowed like water. I molded my face into one of emotional, passionate wonder. The expression that everyone wanted to see. Or more importantly, the expression that never failed to rake in the points. 

In my heart, I was a modest person. I did not ever brag about my accomplishments. I never brandished my trophies or prioritized title. But when I'm alone on the ice, using my calculated passes to create a presence that took up every inch of the space, I allowed myself some selfishness. When judges are looking, I own this damn place, and that's exactly what I was showing them.

Through the droplets of sweat stinging my eyes and the free-flying pieces of my bangs on my forehead, I caught the swatches of color that made up the audience. A girl on an old man's shoulders waving a flag of Japan like it was her job. Young skaters who no doubt came tonight to see their idols were causing a ruckus in the stands. Arms full of flowers and stuffed animals. And of course, Coach near the ice's entrance. It was where I could always count on him being.

_"The last jump Akaashi has planned is a Quadruple-Flip. Even nearing the end of his program he's still going strong! I'm sure all hoping he has the strength left to land this--"_

I clicked my tongue, masterfully hiding the irritation behind my fixed expression.

As if I'd ever let a program finish that poorly. 

_"--And he did it! A clean, open landing ladies and gentlemen! This man's endurance is truly an anomaly!"_

_You say anomaly, I say hard work, Announcer-Man._

Transitioning from my landing, I began to channel of the energy left within me. I was truly lit up like a live wire. The aura of the ice while competing never failed to provide me with that pleasing rush. I visualized the cameras that I knew were zeroing in on me. The idea that there were people even watching me on their TV screens terrified me as a child. Now it was just extra kindling beneath my fire. I sat back into my spin and let the speed pick up, no higher or lower than the exact limit that grace would allow.

The last of the announcer's praise was washed away by a combination of cheers and the sound of my own blood pumping in my ears. As the last of the momentum faded I propped the toe of one skate onto the ice, pointed at a practiced angle, and leaned back. Beauty and grace was best executed when controlled, and I kept that in mind as I slowly leaned back, draping one hand near my throat and extending my other arm out to the side. Even the angle of my fingers was spot-on, rehearsed so rigorously to the point where no rep was any less than perfect.

Just when I couldn't think this damn arena could get any louder, the crowd erupted and seemingly broke the sound barrier. The sound came in heavy waves that were loud enough to rob me or hearing. My heart thundered angrily in my chest, throat scraped from misuse in cold air. I tipped my head more to the side, and my eyes met Coach's. His lips cracked into a curved little line. He nodded in approval.

_"Representing Japan, Akaashi Keiji."_

Filling my lungs with the air they were begging for, I opened my arms wide and greeted my audience once again, thanking them with a smile. After a quick half-lap around the ice and a bow I finally deemed it appropriate to leave the ice. 

As I skated hastily off the ice, the intercom announced the last event of the competition was now officially brought to a close after the men's free skate. It was like a breath of fresh air to hear that.

About an hour later, which felt like one of the longest hours of my life, I was back on the ice again. This time however there was a bursting bouquet in my hand and a heavy circle of gold on my chest. It was heavy, as if the medal were burning its presence into me through my costume. 

"Over here, please. Look right here!" 

I smiled wide, just in time for the flurry of camera flashes going off in our faces. To my left was Oikawa, who held up his bronze medal with a very-well hidden pout. I could tell he was upset over not placing higher, but he should be grateful the therapists even cleared him to compete tonight. It had only been three weeks since that scare. But even so, he showed no signs of distress. 

"All of this commotion for just a few pictures," the man to my right muttered, fingers toying with the ribbon of his silver medal. "I wish they'd wrap things up quicker. I am quite cold."

I chuckled softly, keeping mind of the camera crew still skating around us. I turned and held up my medal for another picture, "I couldn't agree more."

"Thailand is much warmer than Japan. Training there might have spoiled me," the man laughed and swatted a loose curl out of his eyes.

"You'll have a rough time when you come home then." Maybe it wasn't the wittiest thing to say, but it had been almost four years since I had seen this person. I never exactly found out why he went to train abroad. 

"Actually, come next season I plan to be permanently back home," he replied, face quickly ticking into a smile for another reporter, "It'll be nice to be around more mature skaters like yourself again."

Not knowing what to say to that, I simply nodded and went back to posing for the cameramen. Sakusa Kiyoomi truly was a strange man. We had met a few years back at a photo-shoot and press conference, after we were both selected as ambassadors for Adidas. Before that event I had just vaguely known him as that other guy who represented Japan when I competed at the Olympics. Although we weren't close by any means, him and I had some sort of creepy understanding. We respected each other's presence and chatted whenever the world of competition brought us together. But for some reason we just didn't interact much outside of it. Possibly due to the fact that we probably recognized a shared distaste for social media within one another. 

"You did great, Sakusa-san. I loved your short program this year."

Sakusa smiled, "Thank you very much. Unfortunately I wasn't able to see your short live last night, but I saw it in the recaps. You really never fail to impress the board."

"You're not so bad yourself."

Sakusa's smile etched into something a little wittier, eyes glinting with challenge. "I'm looking forward to seeing which sides we'll be standing on next time, Akaashi-san."

I faced forward again after another wave of reprimands from Oikawa to acknowledge the cameras. This competition marked the half of the season that was really getting serious. The lineups were starting to fill up with more and more skaters from abroad. It was merely luck that a lot of them were based in my home country this year, even though it was still a hell of a drive. But things were only starting to get more exciting now. And for that, I couldn't care less about drive times.

"Me too."

\---

The more the amount of people in the ballroom increased, the more I really just wanted to escape back to the haven of my hotel room. I wanted nothing more than to drop the champagne flute in my hand (I don't even drink), rip off this tie, storm into bed, and call Bokuto.

I really really wanted to call Bokuto. 

With hockey picking up just as fast for him as skating was for me, we had no time to get together for two, coming on three weeks now. The last time we'd seen each other was _that_ night, at my apartment. 

"You're either about to cry, horny, really want to go home, or drunk. And I can already rule out that last one."

I turned, heavy on the heel of my dress shoes to find Suga standing next to me. He held his own flute delicately in one hand. His hair was brushed back with a few resistant pieces, giving him an orchestrated wind-blown look. It didn't quite match the sleek grey of his tux, but at the same time the two fit perfectly together. But oh well. I learned long ago not to question the mystical Sugawara Koushi.

"You just don't have a filter do you," I muttered, pretending to sip from my drink. The bubbles were nice, but the alcohol stung in that weird way I could never get accustomed to. 

Suga took an actual sip, closer to a gulp, of his champagne. "Whatever are you talking about, Gold Medalist?"

Ignoring the nickname, I wrinkled my nose. "You just said the word _horny_ at a professional event."

He snorted and threw an arm around me, nearly spilling both our drinks."Don't mind that, Keiji. We're here to have _fun,_ not get scolded!" Drunk Suga was only tolerable in moderation. If we weren't out of the banquet by one in the morning, shit would hit the fan. 

I decided to just leave it at that and let Suga aimlessly drag me around from person to person in the hall, because in all honesty I really didn't want to rain on his parade. He'd place fourth tonight with a very respectable score, and everyone else in the top six was obviously on their toes with him. He was a force to be reckoned with on the ice just as much as off. 

"Have you run into any judges yet?"

Suga maneuvered us out of a small clump of women, all dressed in long gowns and adorned in jewelry. "Have I seen them? Yes. Did I go right in the opposite direction after seeing them? Also yes."

"Koushi," I warned, "You know it's rude when you do that. Coach made us all promise we'd be nice-"

"I'm being very nice! I'm just being nice from a distance--"

"Somehow I feel like that's the last thing I'd ever see you do--"

Suga clapped a hand over my mouth, pulling the two of us behind a burly waiter dispersing some fancy food I probably couldn't pronounce. In a hushed whisper, he asked, "Do you see him?"

I raised an eyebrow at him, "Him?"

"Look to the far right. See the lady in blue? He's right behind her, next to the other old dude."

"Koushi, there are way too many old dudes here, I'm gonna need you to be more specific-- _oh."_

It was already too late for me then, because the short old man had made direct eye contact with me. My spine shot up straight like someone had tied a string to my neck and yanked it up. I shot a look at Suga and mouthed, _"What do I do?"_

Because this situation needed more piled on top of it, Hinata chose this exact moment to skip over to us. The young man looked like the spitting image of that dashing little younger brother in his tux. He'd chosen navy because he wanted us to match tonight, and had a black feather from Suga's costume pinned to his lapel. It was sweet. 

And if it weren't for the man slowly approaching me right now I would've told him how sweet it was. Hinata pulled helplessly at Suga's sleeve, whining quietly, "I have to pee really baaad, and I can't find the bathroom! Koushi-chan, please help me find it!"

Suga, who had clearly noticed the judge as well, threw on a smile I was itching to slap and replaced me with Hinata under his arm. "Well, I can't say no to that!" He turned around slowly and tossed me a look over his shoulder. Swirling his drink he winked at me, "You've got this, Keiji!" 

I mouthed back just how gruesomely I was going to kill both of them when we left just before the stocky man came to stand in front of me. He wore a maroon tuxedo, paired with a black tie and a tight-lipped smile. He held a hand out to me, "Akaashi-san, it's very nice to see you tonight."

"It's nice to see you as well, Nekomata-san," I quickly took his hand, bowing slightly and using the quick aversion to blink the fear out of my eyes. The head judge laughed and when he told me to stand back up, I did so immediately. 

"I hope you are feeling very accomplished tonight, young man. You outdid yourself tonight."

I smiled, humility warming my chest, "I have Coach Yamiji and my choreographer to thank for a lot of my success. I couldn't have done it without them."

"Recognizing your mentors is essential, but you should give yourself some credit as well. You do your work quite well," Nekomata chuckled lowly and sipped his drink. "Ah, and your choreographer. You are still working with Takeda Ittetsu, yes?"

"Yes," I replied, allowing myself a smile despite the nerves. "Takeda-san is the best choreographer I've ever worked with. His classical ballet experience and knowledge make him an amazing teacher."

"Hm, agreed. I'd even go as far as saying he's one of the top in Japan as of now. I heard someone say the demand for him is so high that he's had to turn down clients."

"Oh?" I played idly with the collar of my dress shirt, "I... did not know that. But I'm not surprised, to be honest with you."

A little over to our left, a small group of people beckoned for the old man. He laughed and waved to them politely before turning back to me. "Well, it's been very nice talking to you Akaashi-san. I look forward to seeing what you will do at your next competition."

"T-thank you, sir..." I replied, but the words trailed off my tongue as I watched the judge take his leave. When I was out of his line of sight I pushed out a heavy sigh. It was a miracle my heart hadn't beat itself to death during that short exchange. Talking to judges would never be an experience I could get used to, especially when it was one as prestigious as Nekomata. 

I walked over to the drink table and hung out near the end of it, staring idly at at the glasses lining the white tablecloth. I had no intentions of drinking anything tonight. It was a break from mingling in the crowds, which I was in need of, so I deigned it okay to loiter here. 

Between waking up early and dealing with the living hell that was sharing a hotel bathroom with four friends, enduring the full days’ worth of stressful activities competitions presented, and surviving the banquet, I was feeling dead on my feet. I was well aware of how drained I was the minute I hopped on Practice Ice before I competed tonight. Competitions were no easy endeavor. Once they were in full swing, you were in go-mode from start to finish. I'd had enough for the weekend. 

I really just wanted to cuddle with Bokuto. 

And yeah, I knew how potentially bad that could be. The last thing I wanted was to already be _that_ clingy boyfriend. But something in me was telling me Bokuto wouldn't mind at all. Veiling my presence behind the large decorative plant near the champagne table I pulled out my phone. 

There was a missed call from around the time I was set to get on the ice tonight, and some texts both before and after that. All of them were from Bokuto. I tapped on the text banners and my heart melted as soon as I read the messages. Every single one was some silly run-on sentence, decorated with odd combinations of heart emoticons. He'd called to wish me good luck before I skated, but since he didn't know much about skating I understood how he made the mistake. But the endearment behind it was enough for me. 

After scrolling through the sea of "Good luck!!!", "You're so amazing!", "Can't wait to watch the videos!!" and other messages along those lines I was met with a picture. Bokuto was in his professional team's jersey. He only had padding on his legs, the helmet and upper body protection shed elsewhere so I could see his face. He held a hockey stick in each hand upside down. The tips were being pressed together to form a big heart. It felt almost scandalous of me to be fawning over how hot Bokuto looked sweaty in this place. Maybe I should have waited a little longer?

I saved the picture. 

Steaminess aside, just the fact that I was dating someone so sweet was making me miss him even more. Geez, this was bad for my heart. I sent him a quick apology for not responding and a promise to call him when I was free from this godforsaken banquet.

"There you are."

Kenma stared at me idly, hands in the pockets of his white pants. The tux looked nice on him, paired with a black shirt and red tie that popped nicely against his pale skin. His complexion was a little bit blotchy from the makeup wipes we'd used earlier, but that's probably how every other skater in this room looked anyway. "Do you know how much longer we have to be here?" I asked him when we were within whisper-distance.

"Well that really depends on you right now."

I felt my brow furrow, "And why does it depend on me?"

"We're all pretty much ready to leave, I think. I just don't know exactly _where_ they went."

Well that didn't sound to good. I sighed, "Where was everyone else last time you saw them?"

Kenma shrugged, "Well I saw Shoyou in the bathroom earlier, then he ran off behind Coach and Takeda-san. I saw Tooru start crying and Koushi left the building behind him."

My mouth fell open, "And you didn't come get me _because?"_

"You seemed very interested in this plant."

I gave him a dead stare, "You are the laziest guy I know."

"Don't blame me," Kenma defended, "I was waiting for you to do something first. You know more about that than I do."

I sighed, "Okay. Here's the plan. Shoyou's had like ten of those lavender cookie things already tonight so you go catch him before he crashes. I'll find those two. Deal?"

"Please just warm up the car before we leave," Kenma replied, walking off into the crowd and leaving me next to the plant. 

After Kenma had left I made a dash for the exit, trying my best to still look civil. I sidestepped a large number of people and waved off an even larger amount trying to beckon me with hasty apologies. It might not have been the most polite thing to do, but dealing with formalities any longer would have killed me anyway. Just as I made it out the front door, my face connected with someone's shoulder and we both stumbled backward.

Sakusa caught his balance just as fast as I did, looking surprised as he folded a face mask and tucked it into his pocket. "I see you and I were having similar thoughts about this banquet."

"Believe me, I don't like these press events any more than you do," I ran a hand through my hair and moved to go around him, "But I really need to go."

"Hold on a minute, Akaashi-san," Sakusa stepped in front of me and held out a hand. "This is actually pretty convenient, considering I was making my way out here with hopes of finding you."

My feet paused and I turned, "Finding me?"

Sakusa nodded. From behind his back he produced a thick, black folder, tightly sealed with a light logo embellishing the cover. He wasn't a man of many words, but I could already tell where this was heading.

"Sakusa-san, I don't think I can-"

"Just take it," Sakusa insisted. "I'd been meaning to talk to you about this since last competition, but things just didn't line up in a way that let us see each other. One of the guys at the studio requested me to give you this," he pressed the folder into my chest. I took it with hesitant hands. "I know you hate modeling jobs like these," he continued, "But they were personally asking for you. I would do it with you, but the shoots are still based in Kyushu, and I'm in Thailand until next year."

"But why _me?"_ I argued. "They should have been going after skaters with bolder personalities, not me. Why not Oikawa Tooru, or Kunimi Akira, or that one Junior with those really weird bangs--"

"Goshiki Tsutomu?"

"Yeah, him, or maybe that other guy who's been blowing up recently for doing really risky elements? Daishou Suguru?"

After I said his name, Sakusa and I both looked at each other for a long minute, and then shuddered. 

"Okay, nevermind that. Seriously, why me?"

"Because you're mopping the floor with everyone and taking gold like it's a total cake walk. Oh, and not to mention, you're an Olympian." Sakusa rolled his eyes like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "You know how much they fawn over Olympians in these campaigns."

"I'm not doing it," I replied flatly, "I don't even know why you went as far as going to find me and offer, when you probably already knew that."

"I assumed so," Sakusa shrugged, "But they told me to find you, so to get them off my back, I went and found you."

"There's no way I'll be able to avoid the agency forever," I sighed, "But I really just don't want to get involved in these stupid campaigns all over again. They're awful, and I really don't enjoy witnessing the gross amount of Photoshop they use. Seriously, all that editing and destruction of self-confidence for an advertisement on _sweatpants."_

"You and I are indeed cut from the same cloth," Sakusa though aloud, "But I'll let you go now since you were in a hurry." Before he walked off, he patted my shoulder and said, "Let's get together sometime. I'll treat us to dinner after a competition or something."

"Bye," I said quietly to his retreating back. I stood there for a minute registering the conversation before I took off into the parking lot, nearly dropping the folder in the process. 

When I made it to the car my two friends were hunched over behind it, shielding themselves from the chilling wind. The closer I got I realized Oikawa's eyes were indeed filled with tears. But I relaxed a little bit when I also realized that Suga's arms were wrapped around him. Creeping behind another car, I ducked and tried to listen in, just in case I was about to barge into something I shouldn't be.

"Tooru, I'm not _mad_ at you anymore for God's sake. But do you have any idea just how worried I was about you? It's hard to watch your best friend break his promise _and_ break himself all in one go, you know!"

"Okay, okay, stop _yelling at me!"_ Oikawa's voice floated out behind Suga's. It was strained, probably from crying. "But I'm really sorry," he went on, voice a little less frantic. "I was being so stupid that day. I wasn't thinking about my health or the promise I made you at all. All I was thinking about was skating as best I could, and I let winning cloud my vision-"

"Damn right you did-"

"Shut it." Oikawa took a deep breath. "And I'm sorry for being such a baby about it too. I was so worried about you being pissed at me that I avoided you. I know it was a bad idea. Koushi, do you have any idea how scary you are when you track someone down like that?"

"I had good reason," Suga argued confidently.

"I'm so sorry Koushi," Oikawa said quietly, rerouting the conversation. "I'm making you a new promise now."

"Including the first one you made?"

" _Yes,_ now stop interrupting you jerk!" The pout was audible there. "Including my first promise to not overdo it ever again like that, I promise I'll never run from something like this again. Not going and talking to you was extremely immature of me, and I know that if we would have just worked it out that day I wouldn't have gotten us into this mess."

"The sound of Tooru admitting he was in the wrong is so sweet," Suga sang, "Can you say that one more time for me? I wasn't recording."

" _Koushi!!!"_

"Alright, alright, I'm done." Suga laughed and Oikawa let out an _oof!_ most likely after being pulled in for a hug. "You're an idiot, but you're my best friend. Of course I forgive you."

"Thank god. Now can we get out of this cold already? I'm gonna get sick!"

Shortly after Suga told him to quit his whining and the two stood up, I decided to make my appearance and walked over to the car. Suga was the first to see me. He threw a comforting arm around our weeping friend and smiled, his eyes letting me know that things were on the way to being okay again. 

"I'm guessing you guys are ready to head back?" Oikawa picked his head up at the sound of my voice and scrubbed at his eyes until his cheeks were dry. I held up Suga's keys and jingled them around. "Kenma and Hinata should be here any minute. Then we're free to go."

"Well don't just stand there!" Oikawa flung Suga's arm off and stomped up to me, grabbing the keys. "Screw you, talking to that jerk Saku-san instead of me at the ceremony. I'm your best friend Kaashi!" Before I could respond he turned back and dropped Suga's keys into his waiting hands. "Turn the heat on before I freeze my ass off!"

"Just for the attitude, you don't get the AUX on the way home," Suga said coolly, hopping into the car. Wanting to egg Oikawa on I slipped in front of him and nabbed shotgun before he could get in. 

"No Nicki for you tonight," I smirked. 

Fuming to the point where I almost saw steam coming out of his ears, Oikawa stuck his nose in the air and threw himself into the backseat, adding a _humph_ for dramatic effect. We were subjected to Oikawa singing every Nicki Minaj song he knew by heart the entire way to the hotel.

\---

The mornings after competing either left me feeling like a million bucks, or a rusty coin that keeps getting kicked around on the subway that no one wants to pick up, and there is no in between.

This particular morning was the latter. Around eight in the morning, everyone was awake to some extent, so sleeping in was out of the picture now. With everyone being as tired as they were last night, when everyone had piled into _my_ hotel room I couldn't even object. 

Suga was perched on the counter, the fancy complimentary tea and coffee all shoved to the side. Oikawa stood in front of him. His face was pinched in focus, tongue sticking out between his lips as he plucked away at Suga's eyebrows. Kenma was situated on the other bed, covers pulled over him in a lump, faint music from his phone floating out every once in a while. 

Meanwhile I was sitting back against the headboard wishing I could inject some heavily-sweetened caffeine directly into my veins. Just an hour. Half an hour even. Just a half hour or so of extra sleep so I could endure the drive home. But no. Clearly even after surviving this weekend I wasn't allowed a blink of extra sleep.

Because when Hinata snored the way he did, it made me wonder how his own family slept under the same roof. 

Our youngest friend was curled up next to me with his head in my lap. He had successfully managed to rip every blanket off the bed and throw it off somewhere else at some point last night. Every so often he'd nuzzle his head into my stomach, though it was more like a sleepy head-butt straight to the abdomen. He was just too cute to wake up though. 

Running a hand through Hinata's wild hair I sighed, shaking my head at the feeling of leftover product in the strands. I would have to force him to get another shower before we checked out. The poor boy was so tuckered out after the competition he couldn't even wash his hair properly. 

I pulled a lingering blanket up over his shoulders. It was probably better to let him just sleep off the rest of his competition jitters before strapping him into a car for three hours. While he slept I pulled out my phone. I scrolled through the dozens of pictures I took of Kenma and Hinata during their performance and award ceremony. Sending some to Kuroo and some to Hinata's mom I happily went through to weed out any blurry shots. 

And then I came across that picture of Bokuto again.

Was it weird that seeing him all sweaty like that made my stomach flutter a little bit? His hair was a disaster atop his head, only about half the gel withstanding the abuse from his helmet. His jersey was pretty sweaty too which I normally would have found gross. Perhaps knowing what the torso underneath that jersey looked like had something to do with it.

But the most attractive thing about the whole picture wasn't his sex appeal or body. It was the pure, genuine smile that took over his entire face. The grin was so wide his eyes were pinching shut, and the hockey stick-heart? Oh my god. I was so hopelessly falling for this man it wasn't even funny. 

" _Ow! Ow!_ Are you done yet?!"

I glared in Suga and Oikawa's direction and jabbed a finger at Hinata, who stirred a little at my side. The whole room held their breath for an eternal minute watching him, finally exhaling when he flipped over and went right back to snoring. 

Suga snatched the tweezers from Oikawa. "This is torture. Rip another hair off my face and I'll stick this in your eye."

"Funny how you're complaining when you're the one who asked me to help you with those fluffy brows of yours." 

"You're just jealous mine are fluffier than yours."

"Oh, as _if-"_

"Tooru, if I hopped off this counter and these tweezers happen to accidentally stab you, no one would question it."

"You bitch-"

Kenma threw the blankets off his head, shooting the pair an exasperated look. "Can you guys not?" Three pairs of wide eyes locked onto the blonde, who sat back and turned his phone back on. "If you're going to talk so loud, at least do it while you go get us breakfast or something." 

The pile of dead weight crushing into me sat up slowly, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, "Breakfast? Food?"

"No food yet. Go back to sleep Shoyou," I put my hand on the back of his head and pulled him back down. 

"But...hungry..." Hinata moaned groggily.

"We'll wake you up when we get food, I promise," I reasoned with him. Hinata fought a little bit more, but I extended my pinky finger and stroked gently down the bridge of his nose. After a few of those his head fell back into my lap like a rock and he was snoring again.

"You're like the Shoyou-whisperer Keiji," Oikawa whispered in awe. 

I shrugged, "The tricks that work on Natsu when I babysit just work on him too."

"That is the most hilarious thing I have ever heard," Suga stated.

Oikawa whined and thumped Suga on the back. "Can we go back to our previous conversation now please? I miss Iwa-chan and I need to complain."

"You've been complaining all morning, Tooru," Suga hopped off the counter and switched positions with Oikawa. He glanced at me apologetically before bringing the tweezers up, "Tooru is pining right now."

"How could I _not_ be pining? Iwa-chan is a bully _and_ he's dense. If he doesn't lock it in with me soon I'm going to die."

"Cause of death: Didn't get enough dick," Kenma added casually.

Oikawa stuck his tongue out at Kenma. "I'll have you know this isn't just some fling, Kenma. I've changed! I really like him!"

"Well if you really want him to know that, why haven't you made a move yet?"

Oikawa scoffed, "Because I want _Iwa-chan_ to take the lead," he winked at me, though it might've been from Suga plucking out a hair, "I wish to be chased like the treasure I am."

"I think the term _princess_ is a little more fitting," Suga mumbled.

"I'm not even going to take that as an insult," Oikawa reclined on the counter despite Suga's scolding. "The point here is that I miss Iwa-chan, I'm pining! And now that competitions are picking up, we have less time to go see the guys in action!" Oikawa wailed loudly, "I need to see him in his hockey uniform _right now!"_

"Someone get him a glass of water. No wait, get two. I think being near him is making me catch his thirst."

"Koushi you can't even talk. Come on, you're the only one I have left!"

I cocked an eyebrow, but Suga asked exactly what I was thinking. "The only _what_ left?"

"The only one left I have to relate to, duh!" He jabbed an accusing finger toward the beds. "Kenma and Shoyou are already in their happy and shiny relationships and now Keiji too! Don't you understand?" Oikawa grabbed Suga's wrist while he was in the middle of capturing an eyebrow hair in the tweezers, "We're the only ones left, Koushi! You're all I have left to cope!"

Suga averted his eyes, biting his lip and failing to hide a grin. And yeah, I knew exactly where this was going. 

"Well actually... Kenma?" Kenma looked up at Suga. Suga held out a hand, "Pass me my phone?" The blonde obliged, grabbing the device from the nightstand and carefully tossing it to Suga. He proudly unlocked the device and we watched him tap around on it with baited breath. Once he found what he was looking for, he rotated the phone and held it high, putting the screen on display for all of us. 

The pride in his body language was enough, but I looked anyway. Suga had pulled up a contact. It was a picture of Daichi Sawamura in swim trunks that showed off his bulky form, and the name on the contact was "Boyfriend" with a few hearts on either side. 

Kenma smiled a little, I gave an excited gasp, and Oikawa screeched like a prehistoric bird. The sound was enough to send Hinata flying upward, but not without the top of his head clipping my chin. 

"What's wrong!?" He cried frantically, sleepy hands grappling at the sheets. 

"Koushi and Sawamura-san are _dating!!!!"_

Hinata's eyes turned the size of saucers, "WHAT?!?!?!"

Kenma cleared his throat a few times, bringing our attention to him. I watched the entire exchange without a word as Hinata shuffled out of bed, grabbed his wallet from the TV stand, shoved a wad of money into Kenma's waiting hand, and dropped back onto the bed. 

Suga blinked. "Did you guys-"

Oikawa stomped his foot, "Koushi, I can't _believe_ you didn't tell us!! Why did you keep it a secret?"

"I didn't want to distract anyone because of the competition, you ass." Oikawa tried to kick him in the stomach but he dodged, grabbing him around the ankle. Suga tried to rip him off the counter but Oikawa brought his other leg down on Suga's head. They tumbled to the ground in a heap, a mess of tangled limbs as the grappled with one another in attempts to escape. 

Kenma was apparently just full of surprises this morning, because he was the one to break up the fight by calmly dumping the remainder of his water bottle over their heads. The two froze mid-combat. Oikawa's legs were wrapped around Suga's waist and his hands were around his neck, while Suga was attempting to get him into a headlock.

"Again, if you're going to be loud," Kenma began, "Do it _outside._ While you're getting breakfast." Before going back to bed Kenma dropped the water bottle. It bounced off Suga's head with a hollow _thunk._

"Kenma," Oikawa said sheepishly, "One of my best friends whom I love very dearly. If I'm nice and quiet, would you be so kind as to give your best friend some boy advice?"

"I can give boy advice too!" Hinata piped up, "Kageyama says I'm a great boyfriend."

"You're a great everything," Oikawa said fondly, "And if he ever says otherwise I'll put him in the ground."

"That's my line," Suga interjected. 

"I think it's just a mutual thing at this point," I pointed out.

"Fair." Oikawa turned back to Kenma, "Kenma, what do I doooo?"

Kenma clicked away on his phone on some rhythm game. "If you want to prove that you really have feelings for Hajime, and that you're not a dirty player anymore, then tell him how you feel."

Suga whistles lowly, "Straight to the point."

Kenma shrugged. "When you're like Tooru and have a reputation with the hockey team, that's what he needs. He has to show Hajime that he's not just messing around."

"Wait wait wait," I looked at Oikawa, "Reputation?"

"Tooru's had flings with three guys on the hockey team. He liked them at first, but then he got flighty before commitment was even an option.

I felt my eyes peel open. Oikawa's face was bright red. "Hold on, _three?_ I thought you only dated Terushima-san?"

"It was _two_ people!"

"Twins count as two people. They’re seperate."

"Ugh!" Oikawa slumped against Suga's legs since he hadn't gotten off the floor yet. "I still say it was two."

"You know, if you say that a set of twins counted as one person, it kind of sounds like you were with them both at once," Suga smirked, "Tooru, you're nasty as _fuck-"_

"It _wasn't_ at the same time and you all know that."

"Uh, I didn't?"

Kenma continued, everyone ignoring my argument like this was already a common topic in our group. "There's no miracle advice I can give you Tooru. You either tell him or you don't."

Oikawa opened his mouth to argue, but the conversation was cut short by four ringtones suddenly going off. I bet it would have been five, if Oikawa's phone hadn't been dead since the banquet. I lifted my phone up to my ear and answered the call.

"Good morning, Bokuto-san."

"Morning, Kaashi!" 

I smiled idiotically at the sound of his voice. "How's your morning been so far?"

"Really good! What about you?"

"Good, but I wish I could have slept in a little longer. Everyone’s so loud that they woke me up. I'm not even sure if I'm awake right now."

Bokuto laughed, it was loud and full. How he sounded this awake so early, I would never understand. "Well, are you sure enough to go have breakfast?"

I blinked, surprised, "Breakfast? Like, go out together to get it?"

"Yeah! We'll go with everyone. Oh and by everyone I mean Tetsu and Daichi and Iwa and your friends. Please? I'll buy you as much coffee as you want!" He continued to plead with me, as if I was going to say no in the first place. 

"I think a breakfast date like that sounds really fun, but didn't I tell you that we wouldn't be home until after lunch at least?" I glanced at my screen for the time, "We're still at the hotel, some of us aren't even completely out of bed yet."

"That's fine! Take all the time you need to get ready! The guys and I are almost to the hotel! Do you want to meet us in the lobby, or the street in front of the rink?"

"I'm sorry," I pinched the bridge of my nose and suppressed a screech akin to Oikawa's. If those guys had driven _three hours_ just to take us all to breakfast, I was going to slap all of them. "But you guys are _what?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have so many openings for smut rn, please feel free to leave some suggestions. keep in mind that bokuto has a nice big car that can be used for....things:))))) if that's something you'd like to see. thanks times a million for comments and kudos!!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hihi:)
> 
> im so sorry for no update last weekend guys!! i had a really important audition to prepare for not to mention my professors are TRYING ME. anyways, buckle up for the next few chapters, cus we're goin on a downhill drive. good luck :)

Somehow, going out for breakfast with nine starving athletes wasn't as chaotic as I assumed it'd be. Everyone just got along so easily, and I quickly realized I had nothing to worry about. I also realized that I was pretty much the only person in this group that hadn't formally met everyone.

Knowing Kuroo was pretty much already a given, with the way he was usually the one picking up Kenma. I only knew Iwaizumi and Daichi through the retellings of my friends' interactions with them, and I didn't really want to relive the first time I ever saw Kageyama. But despite these things, the guys were overall a really great group of people. It was nice to feel comfortable around a group that I was semi-sure accepted me.

My phone pinged beneath my thigh, but I ignored it in favor of watching Hinata proceed to drown his plate of pancakes in a sea of maple syrup. When the plate was nearly halfway full of the amber liquid, Kageyama spoke up for the first time all morning.

"That's too much syrup, you idiot. You're going to give yourself cavities." The usually stoic teen grabbed the bottle from Hinata's sticky hand and slammed it back down on the table. 

"It's not too much. _You_ don't have enough on yours."

"Too much sugar is gross. It's not good for you." 

"It's not gross."

"Is too."

"Is _not."_

"Stop being a dumbass."

"Stop being a _jerk!"_

Hinata scowled at Kageyama, who returned the scowl with his own snarl. For a moment I found myself questioning if bickering like this was common between the two. But was there really any malice behind the interaction, or were they just that high-energy?

"Ah, youth. I miss being a crazy high-schooler." Kuroo leaned back in his seat, hiding his smile behind his mug.

Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow, "You know you're only like two years older than them right?"

"Sho-chan is fresh out of high school though!" Bokuto inputted. 

Kenma pushed his eggs around his plate. It was pretty obvious just how used to this kind of conversation he was. "Kuro's just a forty year-old man trapped in a twenty-two year old body."

"I heard that ice skating isn't too kind on elderly joints. You might want to be careful, Kuroo-san," Suga smirked across the table. 

Kuroo just stared at the figure skater for a few moments before doubling over in false pain, rubbing his back, "Oh lord," he crooned in an elderly voice, "Someone get me my walker!"

"Someone get me out of here," Kenma mumbled under his breath.

Kuroo frowned, "Kenma, why don't you respect your elders?"

"Because that would mean respecting you."

A collective low _"ooooooh"_ ran its way around the table. Iwaizumi was the first one to speak when it died down. "Sheesh, this kid is stone cold."

"That's Kenma for you," Oikawa said proudly. 

"He needs all of five minutes to absolutely destroy someone," Suga agreed. 

Kuroo slumped in his seat, "Yeah, no kidding."

Bokuto threw an arm around Kuroo's shoulder, "Don't worry Tetsu, I still think you're great."

I swear I saw Kuroo's eyes glaze over at that, but for my own sake I just stopped paying attention after that. Instead I turned to Daichi, only catching the tail end of whatever he was saying.

"Well, he must be good for something since you keep him around, Kenma," Daichi laughed. 

"He has a car. And cooks for both of us," Kenma shrugged, "He's got his uses." Now Kuroo definitely looked ready to cry. Kenma rolled his eyes and bumped his head against his boyfriend's shoulder, "He's pretty great though. I like having him around." Kuroo physically swooned over the younger man and buried his nose in his hair.

"It's a little unexpected how big of a softie Kuroo-san is," I remarked. 

Bokuto snorted next to me, "He is, but only with Kenma!"

Daichi nodded, "Other days he bullies the hell out of us at practice. He can be witty too."

"He's just wrapped around Kenma's little finger and Kenma knows it," Iwaizumi said between bites of food.

"And I am very okay with being wrapped around his little finger. They're very adorable fingers."

Oikawa smirked, "Oh? I bet you enjoy those fingers wrapped around your- _OW!"_ Suga jerked in his chair a little bit, smiling innocently like he hadn't just obliterated Oikawa's shin. Oikawa took a calming breath before scooting closer to Iwaizumi, his chair scraping the ground. Whether it was for protection from Suga's kicks or an excuse to sit closer to Iwa I would never know. I did however know that the PG rating on this breakfast was now gone. 

"So I heard from Daichi that the Jackals won their game last night?" Suga threw out, quickly changing the subject.

Bokuto's entire face lit up at that. "We did! We absolutely killed the other team. It was only a practice match this weekend, but still! I have highlights from the game. Wanna see?"

"I wanna see!" Hinata slammed his glass of juice down on the table, nearly spilling it in the process. 

"I'd like to see them too," I added, speaking much softer than everyone else. I kept getting this inkling of doubt that we were risking getting thrown out due to noise complaints at this point. 

Bokuto turned to face me, eyes hopeful and full of joy, "You wanna watch me play?"

"I always like watching you play, Bokuto-san."

Bokuto smiled excitedly at my words, and a few minutes later we were pushing dishes aside, clearing the center of the table so we could all watch the clips on Bokuto's phone.

In all honesty, I still knew next to nothing about hockey. Obviously I retained everything Bokuto that Bokuto had already told me, but I was still struggling to pick the rest up. However, you didn't need to know the rules to admire the player. Even decked out in gear, Bokuto looked absolutely amazing. One particular highlight of him taking off his helmet and wiping his sweat-soaked hair out of his face was shamelessly replaying behind my eyelids for a good while. I needed to ask Bokuto where I could find these later today.

Even though I was busy fawning over my boyfriend, I did watch the clips of everyone else playing. Hockey players were a pretty awesome group of people, if you asked me. They had to be agile at all times, and still be able to execute powerful, controlled strikes all at the same time. From what I saw, Daichi's defense was some of the strongest on the team, and from the looks of it Iwaizumi as well. Kuroo's strike power was a close rival to Bokuto's, though he was on what I assumed was the right wing. The only position I could confidently identify was the goalie. The Black Jackals goalie was a pretty small man in terms of physical appearance, but that didn't stop him from having the biggest presence on the ice. He was fast, _really_ fast. His hair kind of reminded me of a peanut butter cup, with the bleached bangs and the little stripe of blonde running over his temple. 

As expected, I didn't recognize anyone else on the team besides the boys sitting in front of me. At least, that's what I thought until a player got switched onto the ice after the second period. I only got a slight glimpse of his face, but something inside me was insisting upon recognition. Where have I seen this guy before? He almost looked like the guy that tried to make a pass at me that one night Bokuto and I went out, but it couldn't be. Their faces were similar, yes, but I remember clearly that that guy was blonde. I shook it off for the time being.

Eventually we ended up watching the entire game at the table after everyone polished off the last of their breakfast, and our collective volume had only increased. A (rightly so) terrified waitress approached the table, offering to clear the table out for us. Daichi smiled kindly at her, wrangling in his teammates as best he could to help her collect the dishes. 

"We had this shit in the bag before first period even ended, man!" Kuroo rapped his fist on the table.

Iwaizumi's face darkened. "Maybe they would've done better if that one guy had just stopped fucking _tripping us."_

"He had more penalty time than playing time!" Bokuto howled, clutching his stomach as he laughed,

"Kou-chan, is tripping an illegal move?" 

"Yup, it is Hinata. Although some people get really sneaky with it and get away with it. But lucky for us this ref was actually watching."

"The goalie looks really bored," Kageyama thought aloud, "Is being a goalie usually this uneventful?"

"Nah," Kuroo replied, "He was just bored because the other team was pure ass."

Suddenly Bokuto gasped and for a moment I thought he was hurt, until I saw him smiling. "Tetsu, Testu, shut up! Your shot's coming up!"

"Alright guys pay attention!" Kuroo puffed his chest, tugging Kenma closer to the phone, who was just trying to finish his hot chocolate, "You're about to see the sexiest shot of your life!"

I chuckled and leaned in, but a hand on my shoulder stopped me. I turned my head to find Daichi standing behind me. His normally friendly demeanor had molded into something a little more concerning. "Akaashi-san, can I talk to you for a minute?"

Standing up slowly I waited until Daichi started moving to follow after him, "Is something wrong?"

When we got to the front door, Daichi held it open for me. We strolled out into the chilling wind until Daichi stopped near a bench by the sidewalk, but he didn't sit down. The athlete fixed me with a serious stare that I'd never seen on his face before. It almost didn't match the comforting aura he usually held. 

"Bokuto really likes you."

What? He really just brought me outside to tell me that of all things? 

"He really, really likes you," Daichi continued, not letting me speak. "Of all my years of knowing him, I don't think I've ever seen someone make him so happy the way you do. He's always thinking of you, you know? If he sees something that reminds him of you, or something that he thinks you'd like, he says it. Basically whenever you come to mind, he won't shut up about you. You already mean so much to him." 

A tiny smile curled the corner of my lips and I welcomed the rose hues that twinkled around me. Just talking about Bokuto made me feel lighter than air. But all of that fuzziness was swept away when Daichi spoke again.

"Bokuto Koutarou has the biggest heart known to man. He's sensitive, would do anything for anyone, and a total empath. This is exactly why he got his heart ripped out and stomped on in the past."

My head snapped upward and I stared at Daichi, tension welling in my throat, "What do you mean?"

"I mean exactly what I said," he replied. His brown eyes went cloudy, as if he were reflecting on a painful memory. "As stupid as this may sound, it's true. Someone hurt him without a second thought. And no matter what we tried to do, all we _could_ do was just sit with him and watch as he broke right in front of us." 

"If you're talking about a past relationship I don't know-"

"Look," Daichi cut me a sideways glance. "I'm not going to be the one to tell you about it. But Bokuto has been through a lot, and not just in his love life. The point here is that I never want to see him get hurt like that again. He doesn't deserve it, and I won't let him pour his heart out and suffer from it again."

_Oh._ So this is where this was going. "I hope whoever did that to Bokuto-san never comes near him again." 

"I'm glad to see we're on the same page here," Daichi smiled, but something cold lingered behind it, "But I didn't ask you to talk to me just to tell you about Bokuto's ex."

I could already tell where this was going, but I couldn't really know until I heard him say it. I prompted him to go on, "So why did you then?"

"Not only is Bokuto arguably the sweetest human being on the face of the earth, but he's also famous. He's a professional hockey player, one of the top three left wingers in the country. Wherever there's hockey, his picture or name is there too. He doesn't act like it, but he's kind of a big deal."

"Whether he has fame or not doesn't matter to me," I felt my fists clench at my sides. "That's not why I'm with him."

Daichi sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Look, Akaashi-san. I know this makes me look like a total dick, but someone has to ask and it seems that I'm the only one willing to do it." He looked at me head-on, "Bokuto loves you, that much is clear. So do you truly have feelings for Bokuto? And I mean real feelings. I don't think you're a bad person, Akaashi-san, but he's my best friend. I need to know that this isn't just some fling that's going to leave him broken-hearted."

Rage pricked at my skin, trying to get a rise out of me. Between Daichi just telling me that Bokuto _loves me_ and him also asking me if I was just fucking with him, I could barely get a good hold on my own emotions. But despite how palpable the anger tasted in the back of my throat right now, I understood. Daichi clearly cared about Bokuto like family, and I couldn't be mad at that. But did he really have to approach me like that?

I knotted my fingers into my jacket before gathering my thoughts to answer him. "Bokuto-san means so much more to me than you will ever know, and I don't know what you think about me, but I would never, _ever,_ do something like that to him." I took a step closer to Daichi and crossed my arms, fixing him with a glare. "I'm not with him because I want to _play with his feelings_ like some heartless asshole. I want to be with him because he makes me happier than I've ever felt. And if you were assuming I felt anything else but love for Bokuto-san, then you are deeply mistaken."

The words had come out before I could stop them, but in that moment, standing in the cold in front of Daichi, I didn't want to take them back.

When I was younger, our family was small to begin with. The only human being in my life that ever brought me happiness was my father. He was my number one supporter, the one adult I ever felt comfortable going to with my problems. Dad was the only thing I had to look forward to when I came home with practice.

After he died, and I was left alone with my mother, a hole opened in my heart. It was small, like one tiny rip in the seams of a shirt. But with each day that passed, more and more emptiness consumed me. I was never allowed to properly grieve for my dad. My rigorous training on the ice and in the ballet studio only got more intense. There was no one to talk to, no family member I to go to. 

Things had changed, of course, when my relationship with the other skaters at my new rink started getting stronger. Oikawa, Kenma, Hinata, and Suga did their best to support me. I cried with them, laughed with them, competed with them. They made it a little less difficult to cope with the gloom that consumed me. I was so blessed to have them in my life. But making friends didn't exactly sew up that rip in the seams, which was only getting bigger. 

Happiness felt like an unreasonable goal to me. But as cliché as it sounds, the day Bokuto first spoke to me turned me upside-down in a way I would never regret. 

Bokuto didn't just miraculously make my grief disappear, but that was okay. That's not what relationships were for. But he did teach me that feeling that grief was okay. That crying those tears was okay. That talking to someone and not bottling up your feelings was okay. He didn't patch up the hole dad left behind, but he filled up every corner of the emptiness with blinding light. Bokuto had barged into my life that day like he'd already belonged there, and as I'm staring into the eyes of his best friend, I'm realizing how I wouldn't want it any other way. I already loved Bokuto Koutarou more than words could describe.

I blinked a few stray tears off my cheeks, but I didn't falter in front of Daichi. Taking in a tremulous breath, I looked him right in the eye and, and with an unwavering and unhesitant voice, I wove all of my thoughts into just three words. 

"I love him."

Daichi's complexion softened into a warm smile. "I thought as much, but I needed to make sure." He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into a side-hug. For a moment I hesitated to accept it after the conversation we just had, but allowed him. "Bokuto and I go way back. If I really thought you were playing him, I would've turned his ass around and sent him home."

He nodded understandingly. A bell jingled somewhere behind us and a door swung open, the scent of freshly-brewed coffee curling through the wind around us. 

Since I wasn't the best at physical exchanges like this, let alone with new people, I patted Daichi on the arm and let him let me go when he felt he should. Something about him just made me trust him. This man was the embodiment of a leader. 

Daichi tucked his hands in his pockets, smiling sheepishly, "I really hope you're not mad at me, or Bokuto. I did this on my own accord because I'm a little bit overprotective."

"It's okay," I laughed, "He's your best friend. I can tell you care a lot about him."

"Our group is pretty tight, yeah. But just so you know now, you are welcome to interrogate me for Suga now."

I laughed again, falling into step next to Daichi as we walked back to the restaurant, "I don't think that will be necessary. Suga may be a sweetheart, but he fears nothing. I'm sure if you were really a bad guy, something would have happened already."

"S-something would have happened?" the brunette gulped.

"I'm only kidding. Though he is crazy, that's not a joke."

Daichi smiled to himself, "Don't I know it."

\---

"Kou, listen to me bro, I'm sorry. I was only teasing you. That shot was awesome, okay?"

Bokuto slumped even more, shoulders caving in. Even the spikes of his hair looked depressed. "It wasn't and you know it, Tetsu."

As soon as Daichi saw the slumped athlete, he let out a long sigh. I turned to him and whispered, "Should I be worried about that?"

"He's okay," Daichi breathed, "Bokuto just gets all emotional when he makes a mistake. He gets in his own head and convinces himself he sucks over one penalty shot. It wasn't even bad, the puck still made it through, but even telling him that won't convince him."

Kuroo and Iwaizumi frowned to each other, before I saw a lightbulb go off in the raven's head. "No, it was great! Just listen to Akaashi!" Kuroo grabbed me by the shoulders and presented me to Bokuto.

I glanced around at the faces around me for a moment. Iwaizumi and Kuroo had their brows raised expectantly at me. Hinata was wrestling Kageyama for an object in his hand. Suga and Oikawa stood nearby just observing, and Kenma was nowhere to be seen. 

I shook Kuroo's hands off my shoulders and put my hands on Bokuto's arms. Maybe I hadn't seen the shot that was the topic of this debate, but that didn't mean I couldn't help uplift him. Reaching a hand up I pulled gently at his ear, "Can you look at me, Bokuto-san?" He reluctantly stood up straight and did as I asked, lips pulled into a deep frown. I smiled at him encouragingly. "You know that one imperfect shot doesn't define you, right? You're amazing, Bokuto-san. Mistakes are just a natural part of life. Even if you make a mistake, you're still valuable, so please don't be so down on yourself?"

Bokuto looked at me through his lashes, head still hanging a little bit, "You really think that?"

"Of course I do. I think you're the coolest left-winger ever, Bokuto-san."

His head snapped upward at that, and when his bright smile returned I breathed a sigh of relief. "You know what, you're right! I'll score every shot next game now to make up for it!"

I reached up and rubbed his hair affectionately, "I can't wait to see it."

Oikawa sighed loudly, pulling me out of the moment. "If everyone's done being all happy and shiny now, I'm ready to head home. We still have training tomorrow you know!"

"It's not our fault you take forever to wake up," Iwaizumi retorted. He grabbed Oikawa by the collar of his shirt and waved at us. "I'll take his ass home. See you all soon."

"Iwa-chan, you're so sweet for taking me home! You must like me a lot," Oikawa purred. He slipped an arm around Iwaizumi's waist, pressing all of his weight into the other man. The hockey player hid it somewhat well, but I caught the faint red on his cheeks.

"I just don't want anyone else to have to deal with your bullshit, Oikawa."

"Bye guys!"

From the corner of my eye I caught Daichi turning to Suga, "Are we still taking them with us?" He gestured toward Hinata and Kageyama, who were playing a rather aggressive game of catch with a bouncy ball from the toy machine in the restaurant. Suga must've sensed that Hinata was one step away from eating the pavement, eyes flickering warily between the ginger and Daichi.

"We are, and we should probably go before someone breaks an ankle." Suga turned to me, wrapping me up in a quick hug before pointing Daichi in the direction of his car. "If you need anything tonight then call me, okay? Answer your phone or I swear I'll-"

"I know I know, you'll break into my apartment. Goodbye, Koushi." I turned to Daichi and exchanged a look with him, "Goodbye, Daichi-san."

Stepping back, I let Kuroo and Bokuto get out the rest of their energy with each other before we all split up to our cars. It was safe to assume that Kenma was already in Kuroo's by now, enjoying the seclusion and heater.

A few minutes later we finally got to his truck. Just before Bokuto opened the door for me, he pulled me into a bear hug. After going nearly two weeks without seeing him, the embrace felt rejuvenating. I threw my arms around his neck and pressed my face into the crook of his shoulder. 

"I've wanted to hug you so badly all morning."

I ignored the way my cheeks heated up, thankful my face wasn't visible to him. "You can hug me whenever you want."

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay with it," he squeezed me tighter, "But I'll keep that in mind from now on." A pair of warm fingers hooked under my chin, tipping my head up. Bokuto's eyes roved over my face for a few moments, and then he closed the distance between us, taking my lips in a sweet kiss. 

When we parted, panting slightly, Bokuto pressed his forehead against mine. "I'd kiss you all day if we didn't have to get on the road soon."

I giggled at that, pecking the corner of his mouth. Who knew it felt so nice to just hug someone like this? "I wouldn't be mad if we did that."

"Then let's spend the rest of the day together." Bokuto pulled the door open behind me, picking me up with his free arm and setting me down on the bench seat. "I still haven't heard about how your competition went yet!"

"Well, what do you want to hear about?" Even after I was settled on the seat, Bokuto didn't move. I let him come to stand between my legs while his head dropped to my chest, and played with the hair at the base of his neck.

"Everything of course!" He looped his arms around my waist, squeezing the wind out of me in the process, "I want to know how you did, how you're feeling, everything. Oh, and I need more pictures."

"You need more pictures?" I repeated.

Bokuto nodded firmly. "One is not nearly enough. How could I not want more, when my boyfriend's the most beautiful guy I've ever looked at?"

"I am not," I mumbled, curling into myself a little bit.

"Are too!" Bokuto pushed my legs into the car and shut my door, running around the hood and hopping into the driver's side. "Your costumes look amazing by the way," he added as he drove us out of the parking lot. "But I'm pretty sure you could wear a garbage bag with holes in it and still pull that off."

"You're too sweet, Bokuto-san."

"But you like sweet things. Sweet coffee, sweet foods. So you must like me, right?"

Bokuto's hand came to rest on my thigh, palm upward. I promptly laced our fingers together, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. "I do, Bokuto-san. I like you a lot."

"Then let's hang out at your place tonight, Kaash. We can cook dinner together."

"Anything you want, Bokuto-san. We can do anything you want."

Bokuto's whole body melted into a state of contentment as he drove, our hands never once separating the entire trip back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nextchapterhismomiscomingbackandireallydontwanttowriteitbutlikeihavetoplsdonthatemeimsosorrry
> 
> thank you for reading, leaving kudos, and commenting!!! love u all


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to the moderate pain train. next chapter's gonna have some fluff so dw, but it's also not gonna be the prettiest. parents like akaashi's mom make me sick, and let me just say i have firsthand witnessed figure skaters endure manipulative relationships throughout their career.
> 
> for anyone struggling with something like this:
> 
> you are strong. you are good enough. you are doing this for you and i believe in you! i know that you have the strength to stand up to your demons. just remember that you are your own person, and you belong to no one.

The few weeks that preceded the competition were some of the most enjoyable days I’ve had in a long time. Bokuto and I were hanging out as much as our tight schedules would allow, using and any all scraps of spare time I had to be with him. We had some sort of unspoken promise going on between us. No matter now hectic my training got, or how bust he was getting with hockey, Bokuto and I would find a way to spend time together. I couldn’t be happier.

When Bokuto and I first started dating, I really didn’t think it was possible to feel any more comfortable with him, but of course he proved me wrong. It didn’t take two weeks to discover just how much of a cuddle bug he was. But hey, absolutely zero complaints from my end.

Things were falling into place so naturally between Bokuto and I, as if we were two lost puzzle pieces waiting to be clicked back into place with each other. We started having breakfast together every morning before our practices started, (though his started later than like he insisted on sharing the meal), and he started taking me home almost every day. Pretty soon we ended up crashing at my apartment well into the afternoon. Whether it was cooking, studying, chores, or just napping with each other, Bokuto was there.

Everything he did I adored. One night, Bokuto had walked into my bathroom and come out absolutely terrified a second longer. When I asked what was wrong, he told me there were “too many soaps” to pick from. I nearly had a blood vessel burst when he told me he washed his face with hand soap. *Hand soap.* Even though I was shocked, I just couldn’t stay mad at him. From then on I started piecing together a relatively low-maintenance skincare routine for Bokuto. His favorite part was hands-down the face masks.

As with any couple, spending more private time together lead to some more... intimate events. Nights spent linked by lips, shadows woven with gentle moans and heated skin. Bokuto loved physical contact, but whenever it escalated, he always touched me with love and compassion. To me, it almost felt as if he didn’t care about his own pleasure, and was rather more focused on mine. We both knew I wasn’t ready to go all the way yet. But I’m my heart I also knew that when I was ready, I wanted him and only him. For now just being able to touch the one you love was enough for us.

Despite it only being a couple months into knowing Bokuto, what I felt was love. In my heart that fact didn’t cease to ring true. It was that high school kind of love I never thought I’d know, the kind that makes your heart flutter when they walk by. But it was also much more than just that. Part of me was starting to believe that the connection Bokuto and I had was so much deeper. It was the that deeper kind of love, painted in hues of rich red, linked by a strong sense of trust, a taste that brings sparks to my tongue.

This morning was just the slightest bit disappointing, since I didn’t get the pleasure of waking up to the provider if that spark knocking on my door. Bokuto had weight training this morning, so it would be a while until I saw him today.

Oikawa threw himself into my passenger seat and I could already feel the attitude leaking out of him. I put the car in reverse and started driving before he was fully settled in.

“Well someone’s a little ray of sunshine this morning.”

Oikawa threw his hand in the air, “I haven’t even said anything yet!”

“Your bitch is showing.”

“I swear to god I will drink both of these coffees.”

I reached out protectively for my cup. “Okay, I’m sorry. But seriously is something wrong? You’re in a bad mood and we’re not even at the rink yet.”

“I am in a bad mood, thank you for asking.”

We sat in silence for a long while, until it was clear that Oikawa didn’t take the hint.

“Can you tell me what’s wrong, Tooru?”

He picked at his nails, eyes glued on the well-maintained cuticles. “I detest this week. And last week, and the week before.”

“And why is that?”

“I detest it, I say! Nothing will go my way. I just want to scream. Or cry. Yeah, I want to sob into the chest of a hot, beefy hockey player but _no_ , clearly I-“

“Tooru,” I warned, growing impatient, “Quit beating around the bush and just spit it out already. What happened?”

“It’s a whole bunch of things,” he groaned. “I can’t get the height and distance of my Axel up, my job sucks, I miss you, and I... maybe got into a fight with Iwaizumi.”

I clicked my tongue, “Iwaizumi and not Iwa-chan, huh? Must’ve been pretty bad. But hey, look at me.”

Tooru stared at me through his bangs; his shoulders slouched as if he was already defeated by the day.

“These past couple of weeks may have sucked, yes. But guess what? You’re still here, living, breathing, and complaining.”

“I’m not complaining-“

“You are, and let me finish,” I pressed my hand over his mouth. “In other words, you’ve made it through all of that crap, and you’re okay. I will gladly listen to you rant about your schedule or Iwaizumi-san _after_ practice. But you’re at practice now. And what we’re _not_ gonna do is let someone else get in the way of our focus. You’re here to skate, not sulk over a man. You hear me?”

Oikawa sat still for a long moment, letting my words bleed into his thoughts. He squeezed his eyes shut, gave his head a shake, and then smiled at me.

“Yeah, I hear you Keiji. Thanks for helping me get my head on straight.”

“You’d lose it if it weren’t connected to your shoulders.”

“Kiss my ass.”

“No, thank you.”

Before walking into the rink, Oikawa wrapped me up in a hug. It startled me, but for him, I understood. I put my arms around him and rubbed his back until he was ready to let go. No matter how busy we got, Oikawa was still my best friend. I wish he would’ve just told me he wanted some company, or that he was lonely or upset, but I understood better than most how hard that could be.

It was easy to say that this morning’s practice was a rough one. By eight o’clock, my thighs were on fire.

Coach glared directly at Suga, pen tapping noisily against the rink wall. “You look like a baby deer trying to walk over ice right now. What the hell did you do?”

“Oh, nothing. My back’s just a little bit sore at the moment.” He rubbed his lower back to ease his obvious pain, but the proud smile on his face was enough evidence. I prayed he didn’t share any details from his _activities_ with the rest of us.

Oikawa snorted, muffling it with a gloved hand.

“Do I even want to know?”

“I don’t think so.”

Coach heaved a sigh, “Very well then. Stretch, get some water, eat a snack. Just take ten so I can wrap up each of your plans for the rest of the week.”

The four other bodies on the ice happily retreated to the wall for a break. Once they were gone, I made my way over to where Coach was standing.

Without looking up, he said, “I assume you have no idea if and when she’s arriving.”

“Nothing. I’m sorry Coach. I can’t get a hold of her even if I wanted to.”

“Akaashi, you don’t have to apologize on behalf of your mother. It’s not your fault she is this way.”

“I know. I just really don’t want to do this meeting with her there. She tries to control everything I do, especially with skating, and my voice is never heard.”

“Takeda and I will be there for you. We want what’s best for you, so in whatever you decide to pursue, you’ll have our support.” He patted my shoulder. “You’re doing great, Akaashi. Now go take a break.”

With my stomach already twisting into telltale knots, I dropped the subject and skated to the opposite wall. I threw my foot over the top of it when I got there and leaned forward to feel the delicious, tension-relieving stretch in my hamstring.

Hinata was the first to speak. “Have you decided yet?”

Well that was straight to the point. But that was to he expected of Hinata. Just was much on the ice as off, Hinata was unafraid to present himself strongly, no matter how startling it was. He had great power in terms of height and distance, and his agility was incredible, something other skaters normally coveted with years of practice. His technique wasn’t as refined as everyone else’s, so his executions weren’t exactly textbook. But Hinata made up for it with how fiery he was. He always took the stage by surprise and created a presence much bigger than himself.

“No,” I said quickly, wanting to avoid the conversation. I switched legs on the wall and stretched my other hamstring with a white grip against the ledge.

“But you’re meeting with them after practice right? You told me you were gonna know today.”

“Deciding whether or not he’ll be pursuing another Olympic season is a big deal, Shoyou-kun,” Suga took a sip of water and set his bottle on the ledge. “The meeting is scheduled to help him find what the best next step is.”

“I know, but it’s just so exciting!” Hinata hopped excitedly on his toe picks, sending a spray of snow against everyone’s legs. “We never got to see you skate for team Japan in person since you were in Korea last times but now that it’s in our home country we can!”

“Keep your scores solid and you might just qualify yourself,” Oikawa hummed.

“But,” Kenma interjected, “If Shoyou did qualify, that is, if he can stop landing jumps on the wrong foot-“

“I’ve only done that twice!”

“—he would be competing on a different day since we’re in Junior class this season.”

“All of us should be on our toes if we want to make it, different class or not. If we don’t make it into World this season, it won’t even be an option.”

All of us turned to face Oikawa. The somberness of his voice threw us all for a loop.

“But what about Nebelhorn?” Hinata asked.

“That’s only for countries that didn’t qualify for World to get a second chance for a spot,” Kenma replied.

“Oh. Hinata slumped over a bit. “Thinking about this makes me really nervous. I wanted all of us to skate together.”

“We will compete together,” I assured him, “The Olympics is just one competition every four years. We get to share the others together, don’t we? Rostelecom, Four Continents, Cup of China, Nationals.”

“Yeah, you’re right Keiji-kun. No matter which one of us makes it, we’ll still all be together to cheer each other on.”

“That is if any of us actually decide to make that a goal,” Suga laughed.

“But why wouldn’t you make that your goal? You and Tooru-kun just had your senior debuts last year. This is the perfect time to get out there and show people your skill!”

“Not everyone wants to because not everyone _can_ ,” Oikawa rebutted. “Like I said there are only so many spots. If our scores don’t make the cut, if we slip up anywhere along the way, it’s over.” He dropped his hands from his face. “This is a stupid conversation. My step sequence needs work.” Tapping his toe pick to the ice, Oikawa pushed off and left us at the wall.

Kenma followed his movements with his eyes. “Someone’s nervous.”

I sighed. “This is exactly why I don’t know if this is what I want.”

“It’s not like you’ll be given much of a choice anyway,” Suga growled. “Funny how you’re twenty years old and she treats you like you’re sixteen and incapable of making your own decisions.”

Kenma turned his head to look at me. “Koushi is right. What are you planning to do now?”

Suddenly the zipper of my jacket was very enticing to my hands that couldn’t stay still. “I don’t have a plan because there’s nothing I can do.”

The truth was, I already knew exactly what I wanted. But did that really mean anything if it was impossible to get there?

—-

I skipped stretching after practice. I felt as if I were on autopilot as I packed my stuff up and walked into the small conference room.

There was no time to change before the meeting. So here I was sitting in the padded seat in sweatpants and a comfy tee, still damp from falling on the ice and sweat. Mom was going to love that.

The door to the meeting room burst open and my attention was brought to the man now standing behind me. Wind-blown brown hair, glasses without a single smudge on the lenses, and a pristine white sweater under his coat. I stood up and ran as fast as I could to him until I was brought in for a hug.

“Takeda-san,” I said quietly, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too!” The choreographer gave me one final squeeze before pulling away and placing his hands on my shoulders. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been doing well. How about you?”

“Oh, the usual. Jet lagged, hungry, but absolutely amazing!” Takeda took me by both hands and guided me to take a seat with him on the small sofa. “Anything new and exciting in your life right now?”

“Yes, something very exciting. I have a boyfriend now.”

The sentence flew out before I could even remind myself that I wasn’t out to my mentor just yet. I clapped a hand over my mouth and felt my eyes peel open.

Takeda blinked at me with a dumbfounded expression, and in that moment I was sure I’d just lost my lifelong choreographer.

But then I caught his lip twitch. Soon, the man was sporting the biggest smile I’d ever seen him wear.

“A boyfriend, huh? I’m assuming he makes you really happy then, considering it’s not like you to share something like that so easily.”

“Y-yes,” I stuttered, snapping out of my trance. Then, more confidently, I continued. “Yes. He does make me really happy.” Inside of me, my stomach was doing backflips. I had just accidentally come out to someone who wasn’t a close friend, and it didn’t crash and burn. I couldn’t believe it.

“Well don’t just sit there! Show me a picture! Tell me all about him!”

Takeda propped his chin on his fingers, elbows on his knees as he leaned in to listen.

“Well, I met him here at the rink. He’s a hockey player,” I felt my own grin develop. “He’s....ugh, Takeda-san, he’s just so great. Caring, compassionate, sweet. He makes me laugh all the time and sometimes he makes me nervous but it’s always in a good way. I can’t always match his energy, but somehow being around him is like a breath of fresh air. Oh, and his friends are all really nice too.”

Takeda squealed like a schoolgirl, tapping his feet against the ground. “Akaashi, you do not understand how happy I am for you. You two seem to make a perfect match. Picture! Now!!”

I laughed loudly at that, playfully swatting his grabby hands away before I grabbed my phone. After unlocking the screen I pulled up the first picture on my camera role. It wasn’t the more professional picture, just Bokuto standing next to Kuroo in his practice jersey and sweatpants standing on the ice. He was flashing me a heart with his hands, so I just had to snap the photo.

“This is him. The guy on the right with white and black hair.”

I passed the phone to Takeda, who looked curiously down at the photo, and then froze. His brown eyes grew to the size of dinner plates.

“Is that...Bokuto Koutarou?”

“Yes?” I felt my eyebrow kick up. I was aware that he was a pretty well-known hockey player, but Takeda wasn’t involved in that field.

“Wait a minute. Oh my god, wait a minute!"

"I'm not going anywhere."

No freaking way. You’re dating _the_ Bokuto Koutarou from the Black Jackals. _The_ Bokuto Koutarou. All-Japan Bokuto Koutarou?”

All-Japan? I didn’t know about that last part. But if Bokuto hadn’t told me yet, I would wait to hear it from him.

“Yeah, _the_ Bokuto Koutarou,” I repeated, chest swelling with pride. “He’s my boyfriend.”

“What are we chatting about now?”

Our attention was brought to Coach, who shut the door behind us and took a seat on the opposite side of the table.

“Good afternoon, Coach Yamiji,” Takeda greeted.

Coach acknowledged us both with a nod of his head before spreading a plethora of folders out on the table, all sleek black.

He took one look around before speaking. “Well, we can probably start now with just the three of us. Your costume designer had an emergency back home, and as you might have seen, your arranger just had her son last Wednesday, so they won’t be here today, but promised to meet with you ASAP whether it’s in person or phone call.”

“That’s alright,” I replied. “I’m very thankful to have this team in the first place.”

Normally, a figure skater’s “support team” was a combination of family and staff members to help build their program. They were direct supporters financially and emotionally. The thing that made my team different, however, was the lack of family. But Takeda and Coach did their best to give me the support I didn’t get from someone else.

“Okay!” Takeda clapped his hands and snatched up one of the files, flipping through it and wearing a proud smile. “Let’s see here... we’re in November now, so all of your regionals are complete and it’s officially Grand Prix season!”

Takeda removed a stack of papers from a folder. I knew they included all of my scores from October’s competitions and were accompanied by judge feedback.

“Akaashi is really giving the panel a run for their money,” Coach announced. “And this program hasn’t even peaked yet.”

“That he has,” the choreographer agreed. “I saw your most recent performance and the crowd just loves you! I noticed you change this combination here to a quad. How are you feeling about that, Akaashi?”

“I feel great. I really like it.”

“Of course,” Takeda smiled. “At first I was a little bit worried about it considering this program is already pretty taxing, but I should’ve known better with you. Your strength and technique are so highly refined that your base scores are stable, and you’ve never had to sacrifice artistry for harder jumps.”

“Thank you, Takeda-san.”

He grabbed my hands, “And you love the program, right? Right!? Tell me you love it.”

“I do love it,” I laughed. “I’ve loved every program you’ve put together for me, but I think my free this year is my favorite.”

Takeda waved his hands in the air and smiled, sitting back against the sofa. “Of course you love it. No one can look that good performing a program they’re not infatuated with.”

“Moving on,” Coach cleared his throat. He slid a rather thick folder across the table to me and flipped it open. “Since your International ranking was high last year, you’ve got your two Grand Prix assignments. You’ll be in the Cup of China the first half of this month, then you’ll be moving onto Rostelecom, but you already know all of that.”

As cocky as it might sound, I did already know all this. It wasn’t my first ride around this block.

“Here’s a loose timeline of what your life is going to look like until March. After you compete in the Grand Prix Finals, you’ll come home for Nationals. February you’re shipped out to Seoul for Four Continents, and then hopefully, you’ll turn around and fly all the way to Quebec for World Championships.”

I winced, “That’s a lot of time in the air.”

Takeda just snorted. “Akaashi, come now. You’ve been competing internationally for how long?”

“He’s never been the best on planes,” Coach said, tapping his chin in thought. “But anyways, getting back on track. To put this into perspective here’s the loose itinerary I’ve put together for you. Key word here is loose. If any of you guys wants to see something or change something here, we can always work something out. We may be traveling for competition but I don’t want to take away your fun.”

The itinerary itself was fine, though I wasn’t the biggest fan of all the press events littered in. “I’m fine with everything here. What do we need to do?”

“For financial and family reasons, we just need to have your mother look over it,” Takeda answered. “So she can know where you are and such.”

“Not like she cares,” I mumbled.

The conversation was officially approaching a frayed end with no clear purpose as we sat around for nearly an hour. Without my mom here, there was no way to confirm anything and we couldn’t end this meeting. I made myself a promise that next season I wouldn’t be relying on anyone else but myself for financial matters. It would be tough, but I couldn’t live like this.

When my mother did finally get here, the door was thrown open and a bitter air leaked into the room. It was like every particle of oxygen that surrounded her froze when she walked by.

“Akaashi-san!” Takeda greeted with a smile. He stood up and gave a small bow. “It’s so nice to see you again.”

My mother shouldered past him, barely giving the man a second glance as she placed he designer bag on the table, right on top of Coach’s paperwork.

“Does he qualify for the Olympics next year or not?”

“That’s not exactly how this works,” Coach said calmly. “If you’d like to see how Akaashi will get to this point, we’ve laid out a written schedule of-“

“I didn’t ask for a schedule,” she interrupted quickly. “Keiji will be attending the Olympics next year. Is he doing what he needs to get there?”

Takeda’s left eyebrow twitched ever so slightly. “He’s been working very hard this season. You should feel very proud of your son. I believe he has a great chance at qualifying again if that’s what he wants to pursue.”

“He does want to pursue that. It’s his number one goal.”

Yeah, because she would know what my goals are.

“I have more competitions in Japan this year. Will you be coming to any?”

My mother turned her head and fixed me with a cold, unemotional stare. “You won’t even go to the appointments I set up for you. I can’t attend a competition and be associated with a figure skater who doesn’t prioritize beauty.”

“I’m sorry I don’t want my face getting injected with fillers.”

“What was that, Keiji?”

The bite in her tone made me immediately cower next to Takeda. “Nothing.”

“That’s what I thought. Now,” she returned her attention to Coach, “what do I need to do?”

As stoic as ever, Coach somehow managed to keep his cool around my mother. He carefully pulled a file out from under her unreasonably huge bag and handed it to her. “This is a compilation of hotels, competitions, and events that he will be participating in. I encourage you to look over it before he leaves for China.”

“Which one gets him into the Olympics?”

For just five minutes, I wished this woman would shut up and stop pressing her expectations on me. There was no way I could tell her I was leaning away from representing Japan for another season.

Because truth be told, it wasn’t all that great. It was one of the most stressful experiences of my life. It left her child riddled with anxiety and self-doubt, and she wouldn’t even bat an eye.

“He’ll be evaluated for his spot mostly at World.”

“Make sure he does well. I don’t want to have an embarrassment as a child.”

That was when something ticked inside me. I stood up rigidly from my seat, hands clenching into fists.

“You’re interrupting,” her eyes heeded a warning.

“Keiji is an adult, and this is _his_ season, not your's.” Takeda reached up and patted my arm. “I think we should listen to what he has to say.”

I gave Takeda a look that I hope conveyed my thanks, and finally I turned to look at my mother. This should have been even playing ground, so why did I feel so small?

“I... I don’t know if I want to make the Olympics my goal this season.”

My mother’s red lips twisted into a smile, but it looked menacing. “Keiji, stop this childish game. This is what you’ve been wanting all your life.”

“You would know that that isn’t the case if you’d just listen to me-“

_“Keiji.”_

Every head in the room snapped to my mother. She stood up from her seat and sent papers flying when she scooped up her bag.

“Now you are just being disrespectful, but that’s just what is to be expected of you. I don’t think you understand just how dire this is. What do you think is going to happen when you go out and find a wife? No woman will want a quitter like you.”

My blood was at a rolling boil in my veins, but before I could speak, she started again.

“This meeting is over now. I’ll have the finances ready to transfer for the hotels tonight. I’ll be taking my leave now.”

And with that she slipped out the door, but this time something inside me just couldn’t let it go. So I ran after her.

I caught her in the lobby of the rink, where she was looking at Konoha behind the counter in disgust.

“Mom.”

“Keiji,” she pivoted on her heel and looked at me. “Is practice over for today?”

“Yes, it is. But I need to talk to you, and I’m begging you please to just listen to what I have to say-“

“You expect me to accept that you’re following the path of a failure? It’s pathetic, Keiji. You are my son, and I will not let you let me down like this. Not after all of these years of training you’ve been through.”

“But you don’t understand, mom. You’ve never understood. The Olympics, the competitions, the press interviews. I can barely deal with it as it is. It’s starting to be too much for me now. I just want to skate with my friends and enjoy the sport I love-“

“Oh? So it’s about your friends now? If that’s how it is then I’ll fix things right away. Come next week, you’ll no longer be doing small group training with other skaters. I will inform Coach Yamiji to alter your schedule accordingly. That way these _friends_ of yours won’t pose as a distraction any longer.”

My breath hitched in my throat. Did I really just hear these words come out of her mouth?

“I’m twenty years old, mom. You can’t just mold my life and my affairs into what you want it to be. I’m not leaving my friends like that.”

“Have you forgotten who has made any of this possible for you?” My mother’s impatience was growing thinner by the second now. She came to stand right in front of me, dark hair flowing over her shoulders. My mother was a beautiful woman, but deadly Nightshade was also beautiful.

“Have you forgotten who moved to a new city just so you could train with better coaches? Who pushed you to be good enough? Who helps pay for all of your competition fees? Who made you into the skater you are today?”

“That wasn’t you, that was my friends and coaches. They’re my real supporters.”

This seemed to be the straw that broke the camel’s back for my mother. She bit the inside of her cheek, as if she were holding in a shout.

“I’ve had enough of this attitude from you. Things will be changing whether you like it or not. I’m only doing this to make you better. Now go. If you don’t go to your appointments, I’ll come back and drag you there myself.”

I watched her back turn as she left the rink. This time I did not, could not, follow after her.

The tears were flowing, but there was nothing else I could do except let them come. The sparse patrons entering the rink just hurried along and kept their eyes down.

“God damn, would it kill her to just think about how her kid’s feeling?”

Konoha came to my side, looping an arm around my shoulders and squeezing me against him. I didn’t reject or accept the hug. Moving didn’t even feel like an option.

I spent the next hour or so curled up in the old recliner stuffed into the office space behind the counter while Konoha worked. The food he ordered for me lay cold on the coffee table, only half-eaten purely out of my guilt. Konoha was a great friend, being silent morale support for me when I needed it. He’d even gone as far as calling Takeda and Coach to tell them that I was safely with him and “recuperating.” Friends like him didn’t come often. I was really grateful to have him.

I was pulled from my trance of a nap by a hand shaking me awake. When my eyes came into focus, I was met with Konoha.

“Hm?”

“Get up, lazy-ass,” he said. “My shift’s over and I’m dragging you out with me.”

“And where am I going?”

“Well, I don’t feel like leaving you alone in your apartment, so I’m dumping you off somewhere else.”

The blonde left it off at that, and I just complied. I grabbed my backpack and suitcase, following Konoha out the back door.

I only gathered my thoughts enough to ask what was going on after he started driving.

“Where are you taking me?”

“An abandoned building. I’m actually an axe murderer, and you’re about to die.”

“How disappointing.”

“Kidding, kidding. No murder will be occurring today.”

“Today, huh?”

“Glad to see you’re feeling better enough to bite right back,” Konoha laughed. “I’m taking you to Bokuto’s place.”

I took a deep breath, in and out. That was everything I needed to hear right now and more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i call this chapter: part 9275842 of akaashi being bad at expressing his feelings- parental edition
> 
> also im kinda proud of myself for not updating at midnight for once!!!
> 
> ***side note- it’s NOVEMBER in this fic currently, NOT SEPTEMBER!! so sorry for the little mix up. akaashis Grand Prix assignments all start in November:)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, early update this week!!! i decided to post this chapter a few days early since i'm swamped with stuff this weekend, and i didn't want to leave the readers that support this work hanging. as a form of apology, i offer you this extra long chapter.
> 
> warning!! this chapter was TOUGH to write. it's a lil bit of a dumpster fire and there is a little bit of smut in this chapter. it's not a lot, it's kind of awkward bc im bad at writing it, and i honestly don't know what else to say about it. this is just a heads up:)
> 
> also the next few chapters after this one will be focused more on competitions. Grand Prix assignments start in November and that’s where we are now. hope you guys are ready for some previous characters to come back in;)

Steam, thick and heavy, clouded the bathroom. I let my head fall back. The thump of my cranium against the beige tile wall felt like nothing. The scalding bathwater painted me in red, but the heat was more like a buzz coming from a distance. There was no pain, no startled jolt from my body. It was as if the turmoil inside of me was so overpowering, it left no room for me to feel anything else.

About two hours ago, I was greeted by a surprised yet welcoming Bokuto. He himself had to have been fresh out of the shower, sporting damp hair and nothing but a pair of forest-green sweats that hung low on his hips. Any other day, I would have happily been all over him. 

But today wasn't one I'd categorize as normal exactly. I let him pull me inside and usher me into his bathroom, where a bath was waiting for me. I didn't say a word to him when I got here or when I locked the door behind me. He was visibly worried about my silence, that much I could tell, but Bokuto held his tongue. I knew all he wanted to do was check on me, which for that I was thankful, but even that felt like too much at the moment. For the first time the weight that sinking in my gut felt too heavy to share with him. 

I brushed the wet hair from my eyes with the heels of my palms. Looking down at my hands I was met with pruned fingers. Without as much as a second thought I dropped them back down into the water. I'd let myself get waterlogged in here, for all I cared. I didn't have the strength to face Bokuto like this, much less burden him with my own pain.

The conversation between mom and I hadn't stopped replaying in the back of my head since I left the rink, like fuzzy elevator music that one would rip their hair out over because they can't pinpoint the source. All I could think of was expectations, expectations, and expectations. 

My heart ached for my younger years when I had a parent who didn't care about whether I brought home gold or not. Now I feel like all I do is in the name of my contract as a member of Team Japan. Reflecting on my scores so far, I was doing great. My base scores on my elements were rock solid. The judges praised my interpretations. Named me a force to be reckoned with. Claimed I was seeded to represent Japan at World Championships once again. 

I think those titles and accolades dulled in my eyes two years ago. I should have been proud of myself, enthralled to keep going. But now, every competition season just felt sluggish. Like I was dragging myself along by a thread that was begging to give in and snap. I found myself looking forward to the end more than anything in between.

If I made it to World again, I had a pretty solid chance at getting selected for the Winter Olympics. It would mark my second consecutive season performing under the rings. 

The potential injected dread into my veins. 

It wasn't figure skating that filled me with dread. No, not at all. The sport itself gave me a reason to live. Honing my skills, learning from outstanding mentors, being with the four guys I called my closest friends. When you spend your whole life seriously competing in a sport, it becomes your life. 

What I dreaded was the expectation. The expectation that I had to be pushing myself past my limits six days a week. The expectation that I would be taking the stage at every major skating conference. The expectation that I had to come home with a title or chunk of metal with a ribbon, or there was no reason to even come home at all. 

Because that's all these competitions were, right? Even the Olympics. Just a hand-picked group of broken athletes putting on a smile for a title and some cash.

And what hurt most of all? I knew that after today, any chances I had of mending things between my mother and I was as good as gone. Clearly if I wasn't in red and white next year, than I would be nothing more than a disappointing quitter of a son. Oh, and even better! A disappointing, quitting, _homosexual_ of a son. Now I had no other choice but to just can it and continue to pursue her Olympian dream. Maybe then I wouldn't be disowned.

"Hey Kaashi? You didn't fall asleep in there did you?" Bokuto's voice was tiny, like he was worried anything louder would break me. 

Here Bokuto was, being the partner I never deserved, trying to make sure I was okay. And here I was, not even a fraction of what he deserved, only capable of replying with a meek "No."

"Well, you should probably come out soon. No rush though! It's just not very good for you to be in the steam too long. Are you hungry?"

"No."

"Need anything? Just say the world and I'll get it for you."

"...no." That was a lie. I needed him. 

"Oh. Alright then," a slight pause, then, "Please come out soon. I know there's something bothering you and I'm really worried. I'm down the hall if you need me."

After a few more minutes, I found the will to drag myself out of the bath. Walking over to the wall I pulled a clean towel down from the hook, and stopped in front of the vanity. The soft lighting of the bathroom caught every angle on my body, painting me with shadow. The longer I stared, the more I was starting to agree with my mother about my appearance. I wasn't as "buff" as other male skaters, my physique more on the lean, or small side. I wasn't as tall, and my hips were wider, not uniform with the width of my waist. My skin was etched with imperfections, be it bruise or scar. My face was thin. The hairs of my brows were curly and borderline unruly. The color in my iris looked dull.

When a spark of confidence abandons you, self-doubt takes you by the hand and leads you in a never-ending dance of its own.

It always ended like this. And now I felt ready to accept it. Every critique, every scolding, every irritated sideways glance. She was right and I could never win.

The hand that was obsessively tracing the lines of my collarbones dropped to the counter and met something soft, and I found a stack of clothing beneath my palm. I picked the hoodie up and brought it to my nose. The scent of Bokuto's cologne was faint, but still present. I put it on along with the pajama pants that were much too big for me and left the bathroom only when I couldn't stand how dizzy I was from the heat. 

Splayed out over the living room couch was Bokuto, phone in hand. He was still in the same state as earlier, just with drier hair. The room was silent. 

Bokuto's apartment was so _him_ that it almost made me feel better. Almost. The walls held pictures and posters alike. It was chaotic, but someone had organized it in such a way where it wasn't too overwhelming. Every shelf or counter had at least one picture frame on it. The charcoal-colored couch was home to a few blankets here and there. At our feet was a coffee table that held a maze of charging chords, notebooks, and board game pieces. Anywhere I turned, there was one thing or another that was hockey-related. It was like a Bokuto-bomb had gone off in a minimalist apartment.

"Kaashi?" 

Bokuto stood up from the couch, walking around it to stand in front of me. "Rough day?" Any verbal response was temporarily tethered down to my vocal cords, so I just fell against him when he opened his arms for me. "Hey, it's gonna be okay. Whenever you're up for it, we can talk about it. I'll listen to whatever you have to say for however long you need. So don't shut me out okay?"

When I didn't answer again, Bokuto didn't show any signs of irritation toward me. I allowed myself to be picked up and carried-bridal style back over to the couch. Part of me wanted to tell him he didn't need to do that for me, but I'd skipped stretching _and_ rolling out my muscles after practice today, so I wasn't about to complain even if I had the strength to. We sat there together for many long moments while I mulled over my thoughts and tried to pull my feelings together. Bokuto didn't let go of me once.

My throat tightened and strained, but my eyes couldn’t form anymore tears. I laughed dryly at that.

“I’m... I might be going to the Olympics next year.”

Bokuto smiled, but his eyes told me how puzzled he was. “That’s great! But... you don’t seem very happy about that.”

“That’s because I’m not. Or at least, I don’t know if I am.”

“Well, do you really have to know now? That’s the end of next year. Why not just enjoy the rest of this season and decide when it’s time?”

“Because it’s not like that,” I sighed. “No matter that, it has to be my end goal. I don’t get a say in the matter.”

“Uh, yes you do?” Bokuto’s face scrunched in confusion, “You’re the one actually competing. If you don’t want to make the Olympics your ultimate end-goal, then that’s your choice.”

This was pretty much the reaction I was expecting from Bokuto. I didn’t expect him to know how it felt to be in my situation, because it was a shitty one. “No Bokuto, you don’t understand. What I want isn’t being taken into consideration because my mother has already decided for me.”

“Well that’s just plain stupid. Tell her you don’t want that.”

My eyes bulged out of my head as I looked at my boyfriend in shock. “What?”

“I’ll say it again. Tell her you won’t put up with it. She’s not the one doing everything you’re doing, Akaashi. She’s not wearing skates, learning programs, and traveling all over for competitions.”

“But that’s what you don’t get,” I insisted. “I’ve already tried. I don’t get the privilege of telling her what I want. Going to the Olympics isn’t something I want anymore, but my mother wants it, so I have to.”

“But you don’t!” Bokuto threw his hands up in the air. “Oh my goodness you really don’t.”

“She’s made her mind up already.”

Bokuto just stared at me, like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “So... that’s it? You’re just gonna lie down and take it?”

“What else am I supposed to do?” I ran a hand through my damp hair, “The one time I tried to tell her what I wanted she shut me down.”

“Akaashi, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard come out of your mouth, and you don’t say stupid things, like ever. If she doesn’t listen the first time, be louder the next time. Be more insistent. This isn’t her life to control, so why are you giving her that power?”

“Bokuto,” I said, frustration tickling the back of my throat, “You don’t understand. There’s nothing I can do.”

“Come on, do you actually think that? There _is_. You are letting her win. It’s not your job to be pursuing somebody else’s goals.”

“If I don’t do what she’s telling me, she’ll make my world a living hell. Her nose will always be in my business. Right now she’s trying to rearrange my entire schedule so I won’t be able to train with my friends anymore.”

“Akaashi. Listen to the words coming out of your mouth right now. Don’t you see how ridiculous this is? You’re so much stronger than this! If it were any other problem, you’d be nipping it right in the bud. You’re giving up.”

“I am _not_ giving up.” Wincing at how harsh my own words were, I pushed Bokuto’s arms away and stood up. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if there’s even anything I can do.”

“You have to tell her how you feel,” Bokuto stood up and cupped my face. “Yes, you’ve told her once before. But if your voice isn’t being heard you have to make it heard.”

“But what if she’s right about everything?”

“Since when is a parent openly insulting their child the right thing to do? Akaashi, she is manipulating you.”

My judgment was too clouded by fear to decipher whether that was true or not, but the very idea of it made me panic.

“I-I don’t know that for sure. Maybe she’s just looking out for my career or—“

“You call her never being at your performances supporting your career?”

“Well I-“

“You call plowing into your personal life and changing things whenever she feels like it supporting your career?”

“I think she was just-“

“Stop trying to defend her and listen to me,” Bokuto’s tone was growing more upset by the second, but did not his voice at me. “She didn’t even let you grieve properly when your father passed away. I can’t call that a mother supporting her child.”

_“You wouldn't know, Bokuto!”_

My voice caught and my shoulders began trembling. Maybe it was because he brought up dad, or maybe it was because everything he was saying was right. But no matter what it was, something angry and scared was boiling over inside me that I could no longer control. It wasn’t like me to let my feelings drive me to the point of yelling, but everyone has their firsts, I guess.

“I’m sorry that _you_ grew up in some perfect happy family that never had any issues! Your mother actually _cared_ about you! You could never understand how I feel!”

As soon as the last word left my lips, I clapped my hands over my mouth. The wetness on my skin announced the revival of my tear ducts. My knees have in and I dropped to the floor, curling in on myself. I wanted nothing more than for the earth to open up beneath me and swallow me into abyss.

I knew my words had hurt him just by the look on his face. In reality, did I really know that much about his family? I didn't and I had no right to say the things I just said. Silently I stood, ready to take whatever nasty words he had to hurl back at me. I prepared myself to get kicked out and probably dumped.

Bokuto kneeled in front of me, knees bumping lightly against mine. And when he touched me I burst into full-on sobs.

“You’re right. I could never fully understand your pain.” I collapsed into his lap as I wept, trying to ground myself through the warm circles he traced on my back. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t be here for you. Standing up to her probably feels impossible, and really scary. But I know you and I know how strong you are. I don’t need a judge to tell me that about you.”

“I’m n-not certain I’d say that about myself.”

“Come on now! I’ve seen it with my own eyes!” Bokuto lifted my head off his lap and held me up firmly so I had to look at him. “Seriously Akaashi, sometimes you’re kind of intimidating.”

“Intimidating..?” Bokuto cupped my cheek and I leaned into his hand, relaxing as he wiped the tears off my cheeks. 

“Yes!” Bokuto stressed. “When I first talked to you I was honestly kind of nervous. But that’s besides my point. Akaashi, I’ve seen you countless times scare off bothersome people and stand up for yourself. You have this power to to you- this unwavering disposition unlike anyone else I’ve ever met.”

I blinked at Bokuto a few times. Pleasant warmth I hadn’t felt all day was beginning to bubble up in my stomach. “T-thank you. I’ve never... thought of myself that way.”

“And that’s why you’re making an exception right now with her. You think just because she’s your mom that you can’t stand up for yourself.”

“I just don’t know how to do that yet. It’s terrifying.”

“It’s not going to be easy, that much is true. But look at the silver lining, Kaashi. You aren’t alone. You’ve got Suga-san, Kenma-san, Oikawa-san, Shou-chan. You have me. And fuck, if you really needed it, I’d make sure you had the entire damn hockey team. We all care about you, and you’re stuck with us.” Bokuto bumped his forehead against mine, drawing a small laugh from the both of us.

“I’d much rather be stuck with you than stuck without you.”

“Well you’re in luck.” He dropped his hands from my face to grab my biceps, giving them, squeezing them. “You can do this. But you’ve gotta hold your ground.”

While his words were hard to take, I knew now what the truth was. It wasn’t easy to accept, but with him at my side, I was willing. I wanted to try and set things right.

“You have the power to do this. Heavy stones fear no weather.”

My brows drew together in confusion, “What does that mean?”

“It’s something my mom used to tell me when the going got tough,” he informed me. “But even now I still tell myself that sometimes because I’m not a machine that’s good at everything. It was really hard for me to accept that at first. I got frustrated easily and I was super emotional as a kid. I was always in and out of these dramatic slumps.”

Thinking about Bokuto as a kid warmed my heart. I wanted to know more about him. His pain, his struggles, his losses as well as his wins. I wanted to melt our hearts into one. “What does it mean to you?”

“It means you’re strong. You’re like a heavy boulder in the rain, and no storm can move you!” He chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck. “At least, that’s how I interpret it. Literature isn’t exactly where my intelligence is strongest.”

_I love him. I love him so much._

My heart yearned to tell him just that, but I didn’t know if he was ready for that or not. It was okay to wait.

I crawled into his lap and wrapped my legs around him. Bokuto’s hands slipped under my shirt, palms anchoring on my lower back.

“She’s going to think I’m a failure for backing out.”

He pulled my hoodie away from my neck to kiss my skin. “She’s wrong, and that’s her business.”

“If I took a break this week, would that make me a failure?”

“Of course not. Athletes need mental health days too.”

“I’ll talk to Coach about tomorrow then. I feel so exhausted,” I wrapped my arms around Bokuto’s neck and hugged him tight. “Thank you so much, Bokuto. I don’t think I’d be able to do this without you.” I pulled away, and suddenly remembered something. “D-do I need to get going? I know I came uninvited, so if it was a bad time I can get going...”

“Sorry, but you’re not allowed to leave me just yet.” Before I could protest he stood, holding me around the thighs. “There’s no such thing as a bad time for you to be here. And now that I’ve got you, I’m keeping you.”

“What time do you need me gone by?”

Bokuto carried me through the living room, and down the hall into a dark room. When he set me down, I landed on a mattress. “Stay with me tonight.”

He leaned in, and I closed the distance to meet him for a kiss. The taste of longing passed between our lips, and I gave into my urge to pull him closer. It felt so wonderful, knowing that the light at the end of the tunnel wasn’t dead just yet.

It felt so wonderful to have Bokuto.

\--

My requested day off ended up being two, Coach’s orders. By the second day the guilt had completely subsided and I was so thankful for the chance to rest.

The first day, Wednesday, was spent mostly at Bokuto’s apartment. It was a day full of snuggling and cursing when we lost video games. And, after a very embarrassing, very detailed phone call with Oikawa, it was also my first time giving somebody a blowjob.

Bokuto’s reaction was something I wanted permanently engrained in my mind. The way he was visibly holding himself back, his hands knotted in my hair. Feeling the hot weight of him on my tongue drove me mad with lust and left me wanting more. I never imagined sex could be such an enjoyable thing, as weird as that sounds. But doing it with him was nothing short of pure bliss.

It wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be. Yes, I was slipping up all over the place and flustered out of my mind, but Bokuto always reassured me he wanted it all. Not once did he want to stop because of my shyness. He supported me through it all, and was very eager to return the favor.

Thursday became a rest day for everyone else as well as me. I spent the morning with Suga and Oikawa shopping for our trip to China, which was around the corner now. The rest of the afternoon I dedicated to Kenma and Hinata. I took them out for a meal and to a quick movie before dropping them home, even though I wished I could spend more time with them. Grand Prix was an exclusively senior competition, so the three of us would be leaving them for a good while.

On Friday morning I was back to breathing in that chilly sting of the ice rink. Upon walking in I was greeted by Konoha.

“Hey,” he said, setting down the skate he was tinkering with. “You doing okay? I haven’t seen you here since your mom, uh, you know.”

“Yeah, I know. Thank you for being there for me when she left,” I set the coffee I bought for him on the counter. “I took a couple days off to rest and I’m feeling a lot better now.”

“Glad to see you doing better. If it were up to me, she would no longer be allowed in this rink.”

As much as I wished that could be the case sometimes, I knew that wasn’t possible. The mention of her would sting no matter where she was.

After practice when Coach let us go, the five of us charged to the wall to pack up our stuff.

“You guys have to call us every night when you’re in China!” Hinata pleaded. He tugged at the sleeve of my hoodie once I pulled it over my head.

Well, Bokuto’s hoodie, not mine. But ever since he gave it to me that night, I haven’t been able to take it off. It sported his jerseys number and last name on the back, along with the famous three golden claw marks of the Black Jackals.

“And you have to bring home souvenirs too!”

“We’ll make sure to bring lots of stuff back, Shouyou,” Oikawa promised.

“We won’t miss your performance either,” I added. “It would be nice if we were all in the same place, though.”

“Kuro’s been crying like a baby all week since we can’t be together when he has away games,” Kenma yawned. “Is it too late to announce my senior debut?”

Suga wiggled out of his skates and went to work drying them off. “They’ve only had like two away games, though.”

“I know. He gets lonely without me.”

“I say we crash a game!” Oikawa announced, shoving his feet into his sneakers. “Then they’ll have no choice but to pay attention to us.”

“Tooru, you’d get bored at a hockey game in five minutes.”

“Would not!”

“Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot you’d pay attention if _Iwa-chan_ was there,” Suga stuck his tongue out at him.

While those two bickered, I bid Kenma and Hinata goodbye and rounded up the rest of my belongings.

I was in the lobby saying goodbye to Konoha when a pair of arms locked around my waist from behind. Konoha just rolled his eyes, but I caught the smile before he turned away.

“Good morning, Bokuto-san.”

“Morning, Kaashi,” he squeezed me tighter before turning his head to kiss me on the cheek. “I’ve got hot coffee ready for you in the car.”

I pulled away from him so I could face him when I answered, but when my eyes fell on him I could barely speak. Was it possible to look this hot after practice? 

“Do you want something to eat?”

“Absolutely,” I replied, mouth going dry.

Once our stuff was packed up we climbed into his car. I barely gave Bokuto time to start the engine before I crawled against the bench. I laced my fingers through his hair, turning his head until I had the perfect angle to kiss his lips.

Bokuto obliged to my touch and kissed back, but I could sense his withholding. Without breaking the kiss I undid his seatbelt with the tip of my shoe and fell onto my back, pulling him on top of me.

He bit down gently on my bottom lip and tugged it between his teeth, then released. The faint sound of panting filled the car and I thanked God his windows were tinted.

“Haven’t had enough of me yet?”

“I could never have enough of you,” I wrapped my legs around him tight, causing our clothes erections to grind against each other.

“Ugh,” Bokuto lapped over the soft spot on my neck. “I can’t believe you’re leaving next week.”

I tipped my head back, allowing his mouth more access to my throat. “If I medal, _aah,_ ” at the same time he bit down on my neck, he pressed our hips together, “I want you.”

“It doesn’t matter if you medal or not. But I can make that the night I finally take you.”

Honestly, if he would rather arrange that to be sooner, as in right fucking now, I’d be cool with it. But Bokuto liked to tease. One day I’d get my revenge.

Our lips locked once more with more heat than before. While my hips desperately searched for friction, Bokuto pressed and removed his knee from between my legs every so often.

“Bokuto,” I pleased, “Touch me now, please...”

Bokuto just chucked softly, pulling himself off me and leaving me _very_ worked up.

“Don’t get me wrong, Kaashi. I’d love to mess you up right here, right now, but I’m taking you home first.”

In more ways than one, Bokuto really did spoil me. So I shut my mouth and endured the ride back home, surprising the urge to crawl out of my skin every time the hand on my thigh came up too high to be chaste.

We ditched our stuff in the car when we got to the apartment, all but running through the lobby. Once the doors to the elevator shut I latched onto him. The fact that I wasn’t tasting him right now drove me mad.

Bokuto’s tongue explored my teeth as his hips ground roughly onto mine. His hands walked down my sides and to my hips, which he grabbed and held in place to gain more friction. The chime of the door opening just barely cut through the lusty haze. Nearly missing his floor we swiftly left the space in favor of the apartment.

With shaking hands Bokuto fished his keys from his pocket. Growing impatient, I suckled on the exposed skin of his neck as he tried and failed to unlock the door.

“Akaashi, fuck, you need to stop that before I rip this door down.”

“Mmh, sounds hot,” I mumbled between kisses.

The door swung open and Bokuto grabbed my wrist, urging me inside. He shut the door behind us and I pushed him against it. I opened my mouth under his and let out a moan as his tongue brushed against mine.

“Damn you,” he grabbed me by the thighs and picked me up, walking briskly over to the bedroom. “I can barely control myself around you in the first place.”

“Good, now do something about it,” I purred into his ear. I was losing my mind right now, and I was willing to do whatever it took for him to touch me.

Bokuto shoved the bedroom door open with his shoulder. A second later I was being thrown down onto his bed. He knelt between my legs, shirt already off his body.

“You look so hot wearing my number,” he growled. “Every time I see you in it now I’ll think of you all worked up.”

I wiggled my hips in anticipation, searching for his heat. “H-hurry please...”

“No. I’m taking my time with you, so hush and let me make you feel good.”

All I could do was whimper in response. I watched his hooded eyes as Bokuto pushed the hoodie out of the way to reveal my chest. Every kiss he pressed to my heated skin made my nerves spark to life. He kissed down my shoulders until he reached one of my nipples. With a knowing smile, he latched his teeth onto the bud.

I was riding the high of his touch. As his hands traveled down my body, I was convinced I’d forget my own name.

Without warning he grabbed hold of my pants, ripping them clean off along with my boxers. I instinctively tried to close my legs, but Bokuto put his hands on my knees and pushed out, putting all of me on display for him.

“You really are gorgeous.” Heavy hands palmed over my chest, pressed into my abdomen, and groped at my thighs. Needing to feel his skin I trailed my fingertips up and down his abs that tensed beneath my touch. 

Our lips crushed together in a heated kiss, and I did everything in my power to rut against him like a cat in heat. But not a minute later he broke away, leaving me yearning for him again. I watched as he crawled off of me and braced himself on his forearms.

I wasn’t prepared for the wet, open-mouth kisses searing the insides of my thighs. He sucked and bit at the flesh, hands roaming my hips to squeeze the places his mouth wasn’t on. He leaned back, eyes scanning proudly over the mess of marks on my thighs, and then took me into his mouth.

I cried out in shock, pleasure surrounded my cock through the wet heat of his mouth. Any potential cohesive thoughts were thrown out the window as my mind melted into nothingness.

Just as the ecstasy was coming to its peak, Bokuto released me and sat up, staring down hungrily at me.

“So close,” I whined, pulling gently at his hair, “I’m so close, _please_ let me come...”

“I will, but,” he grabbed my right leg and hiked it over his shoulder, “I’m not done with you yet.”

“What are _you-aah!!"_

The feeling of Bokuto’s slicked finger against my entrance was alarming, to say the least. _When the hell did he get lube out?_

Fear began to merge with ecstasy as I began to panic, unsure of what to do next.

For a moment, he kept his finger there, carefully observing my face. “Too much?”

In a way, it almost was too much. My mind was racing almost as fast as my heart, but I didn’t want him to stop. I shook my head no.

“Okay. Tell me if it hurts and I’ll stop without question. Alright?” I nodded my head again, and he smiled. “Relax for me, Akaashi,” he kissed my abdomen, circling my entrance with his fingertip.

I did as he asked and exhaled. With one hand massaging my hip, Bokuto gently slid his first finger inside me.

Tension lit up at the base of my spine like Christmas lights, eliciting a whine from my lips. Bokuto held his finger there motionless, allowing me time to adjust.

“No pain?”

“No pain,” I answered. He leaned up and out his lips to mine in a gentle kiss.

After a few moments, Bokuto’s fingers felt much less invasive and more pleasant. I rocked my hips against him to urge him to continue.

“Don’t rush yourself. Is this your first time being touched here?”

I opened my mouth to tell him yes, but was cut off by my own gasp when he started pumping his fingers. A string of moans I was nowhere near in control of began flooding out of me. There was a hot ball of tension forming in my lower stomach, threatening to burst inside me more and more with each pump of his fingers.

Soon my moans morphed into breathless pleas for more. In this moment, nothing else existed but the heat of his body between my legs and how I needed more, more, _more._

“You’re so beautiful,” he praised. His voice was low and rumbling, his shaking hand hinting at just how much he was holding back. “You’re so hot and tight down here. When I finally fuck you, I’ll stretch you just like this,” he slipped in a second finger without warning, “Until you’re begging to be filled up.” I cried out, pushing my hips down harder on his hand when he teasingly started removing his fingers. “I wanna be inside you so badly. I bet you’ll feel so good, Kaashi.”

“B-Bokuto, _please_...”

All it took was one motion. One gentle scissoring of his fingers inside me, and I was fully undone. I came hard onto my stomach until there was nothing inside me left to give. There was a gentle ache growing between my thighs, but it wasn’t unpleasant.

Bokuto’s erection, now void of his pants, nudged against my thigh and I was roused from the haze clouding my senses. He was so hard it looked like it hurt, and judging by his face, was on the edge himself.

I sat up and took him into my mouth, lapping at his length greedily. His hand came to rest at the back of my head as I feverishly sucked him. When the salt of pre-come spilled over my tongue, I loosened my jaw as far as it would go. From there, Bokuto tipped his hips upward. He grabbed my hair to control my angle as he thrust his cock deep into my throat. I looked up at him with tears in my eyes to see his jaw clenched and eyes squeezed shut.

“Akaashi,” he grunted deep and low in his throat. His free hand caressed my cheek, wiping the tears that sprung out of my eyes from having him so deep.

His hips stuttered once, twice, three times, and then, giving my hair one last tug, spilled white over my tongue. I did my best to swallow it all, but I could feel his seed trickling down the corners of my mouth. If I hadn’t just come, I would have gotten hard right then. 

When Bokuto was fully spent, we tumbled onto the mattress. Our bodies seemed to be bathed in some sort of glow, a light only shared between the two of us.

“How’s your back?”

“A little bit sore, but nothing I can’t handle.”

“That’s good,” he nestled his head against my chest, and I took the opportunity to run my hands through his soft hair without any gel getting in the way. He laughed, “It’s kind of hard to control myself around you sometimes.”

Blush crept across my face and down my neck, and to hide it I buried my nose in his hair. “I could say the same for you.”

And now I just wanted to see him hold nothing back when we went all the way.

Shadows blanketed the two of us as our limbs entangled, hands finding hips and cheeks, lips brushing lips. The quiet jokes we shared were followed by hushed laughter.

Earlier today I felt like I was carrying the weight of the world. I was aware that my problems with mom were nowhere near resolved yet. But lying with in Bokuto’s arms at least reassured me that it was possible. For now, that was more than enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im bad at writing blowjobs and im making you guys wait for sex. sue me.
> 
> in conclusion, this was kinda just a filler chapter. i didn’t wanna send akaashi off without some form of resolution, so sorry if this is just a hot load of shit
> 
> thank you for tuning in for this week's update! drop a comment and a kudos on your way out!!! stay healthy guys, i love you to the moon and back


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys!!! writing the competition from Akaashi's POV is gonna be different, so i thought i'd make this week's chapter a little more light-hearted. i hope you all enjoy a peek into Bokuto's life. next chapter may or may not come early again, i hope you're just as excited as i am to see the babes reunited!!

_Bokuto_

The screeching of a whistle reeled in everyone's attention. Filling into the mob of guys, I joined the team as we kneeled on the ice in a half-circle around Coach Ukai. All of us were spent, panting and sweaty from a great skill session. The clicking of sticks being set on the ice and the buzz of hushed conversation filled the rink.

"Alright, and that wraps up skills for today." We all erupted in cheers and relieved sighs, only shutting back up when Ukai glared at us. "Yeah, that's what I thought. We got some great work done this morning, but what the hell was going on during warm-up?" He turned to Nishinoya and Tanaka, "You two were laughing so hard you could barely skate straight on the lines."

The goalie bit down hard on his lip like his best friend, who could barely contain his laughter. Ukai just rolled his eyes and kept talking. Ennoshita snickered into his hand. I scooted closer to him and whispered in his ear, "What is it this time?"

"Noya has a pack of sticky hands in his pants. When Coach wasn't looking they were throwing them at other guys." I scanned the small army of athletes around us. Sure enough, almost every single helmet had one of the toys stuck to the back of it. Makki and Mattsun were currently in the process of shaping the ones on Ushijima's into a dick.

"Anyway, like I said, great job today. Next week I expect you all to come in with your usual level of focus. We're going back to basics with high-tempo passing drills. With the agility cones. And before you ask, no, no amount of complaining will change my mind."

A groan washed over the whole crowd. I for one was pretty excited about that, though. Speed drills were the best. And if we did well enough, we'll get to do more shootouts. Tetsu, knowing this as well, whooped loudly and knocked his head hard against mine. "Finally. Another chance to kick Atsumu _and_ Terushima's asses!" 

"Hey, I didn't do anything to you," Atsumu shrugged. 

Terushima punched Kuroo playfully in the shoulder, "If I win, you're singing whatever I want at karaoke!"

"What can I say? Someone has to make fun of you fake blondes."

Atsumu just stared at him for a long minute, like he had something else to say, before waving us off and ending the exchange.

We were dismissed with a reminder to stretch and eat when we got home. While most of the guys fled to the locker room in hopes of getting home fast, I picked up my stick and a stray puck and made my way back out onto the ice. Iwaizumi wasn't far behind me, gear in hand. 

"Not ready to go home yet either?"

I dropped the puck on the ice and took off at full force, following my mental map of the obstacle course we normally used for drills, doing a change of edge every time I passed the neutral zone line. "Not really," I delivered the puck to Iwaizumi with a quick shot, "Shoyou's practice doesn't end for another twenty minutes, so I figured I'd get in some extra practice."

I matched my strides with Iwaizumi's as we quickly approached the wall together so I could receive his pass cleanly. Leaning a little extra weight into my stick, I maneuvered the puck around a few times before passing to him again. This time, however, my shot wasn't as accurate. It skittered just out of his reach and banged against the wall. 

"Ugh," I wasn't about to admit it, but missing even one shot really put a damper on my mood. "My slaps suck major ass."

"They do not, Bo." Iwaizumi braked in front of me. He jabbed me in the side with his stick, forcing me to un-slump my shoulders. "We've been out here working all morning. Your wrists are tired and I sincerely doubt any of us have much mental stamina left. Let's hit a couple more then we'll head out, yeah?"

A little bit of confidence came back to life in me when I heard that. I rolled the sleeves of my shirt up to my wrists, "How about we take care of that one-on-one you owe me?"

I liked the spark of challenge I saw in Iwa's eyes. "I'm not sure if you'll enjoy eating the ground this early in the morning," he warned, but he was already following me to center ice. I dropped the puck in between us and the two of us squatted down, helmets nearly bouncing off one another's. "You won't be getting past me."

"Not if I can help it," I smirked back at him.

With no ref here, we started the faceoff with our own countdown. The thrilling spirit of competition was alive in the air. Iwaizumi's stance was stable and sturdy, but I was digging deeper into the ice, so when he tried to push me off the puck I was able to fend him off. I choked up on my stick as much as possible, shifted one foot back ever so slightly, and shot the puck over to his side on the path I created. 

"Jesus," Iwaizumi bit out, but I was already passing the stripe that marked his side of the rink. Soon the little black puck was within reach and I tapped it into control. I was dashing for his net when Iwaizumi cut in out of nowhere. 

Being the master of interference that he was, I shouldn't have been surprised when Iwaizumi swooped in with a crisp forehand swing and swiped the puck away from me. I could feel the fuel building up the fiery urge to _win_ deep in my stomach. Leaning forward for speed and squatting down I raced after Iwa as he went for my net.

I met him halfway again. Now that I was on the defensive, my one and only objective was to force him out. Skating backwards I glued myself to his side, butting into his space every time he tried to get around my block. In the midst the chase around the ice, my eyes caught movement on the ice. Before Iwa even tapped his stick to the ice, my senses kicked in.

_Fake? No, Iwa usually uses a double fake._

His wrists snapped back to take the shot, but just before he could make contact I reached in and swiped the puck back. "You're about to eat your words, dude!" When I looked back over my shoulder at a dumbfounded Iwa, I couldn't help the prideful smile. It split my face in two as I sprinted across the neutral zone. 

"Can't do that if I'm shoving your face in the ice!" he hollered right back. 

And once again we were back to our close, tight dueling style. One-on-one in hockey isn't exactly the same as a regular match, for obvious reasons, but that didn't mean I didn't love it. I could sense my opponent's movements easier in the more personal atmosphere. The free space on the ice lets me get rowdy to my heart's content.

Iwaizumi was in my face the minute I got too close to his goal, which only fired me up even more. We jabbed and swiped and collided with each other as we fought for control over the puck. I chanced a look up at my opponent. Through the bars of his helmet I saw a face tight with focus, sweat dripping down his nose, and pupils just as wired as my own. I took barely a second to think before I just threw caution to the wind and _did._

We were nearing the goal at high speed, careening around a diverted path that Iwaizumi was herding me onto. I lifted my stick and tapped the puck to the right, forcing Iwaizumi to slow down and accommodate to the direction I was about to hit. But instead of shooting there, I took advantage of his blindside on his left. With Iwa distracted I lunged after the puck and mad a mad dash for the goal. 

"Oh hell no!" Iwaizumi was just as formidable on defense as he was offense, but in moments like these when agility was more important than force, I suckered him out of a point here and there. The burned in my lungs and legs turned into adrenaline while he chased me. With a loud, confident battle cry I lined my shoulders up with the goal and shot. The puck soared over the ice and jolted to a stop in the net.

I turned my feet out and coolly came to a stop next to Iwaizumi, who was glaring daggers at me. "I think hell _yes."_

"That is the last time I'm letting you pull a fake on me like that. You're going down."

"Yeah, yeah," I rolled my eyes, shaking my hair out once it was free from my helmet. "That's a lot of talk for a guy that can't even tell someone he likes him." Iwaizumi's eyes darkened, but where's the fun in only poking a bear once? "That means I've beat you at two things now, right?"

"You have ten seconds to get out of here before you have an imprint of my stick on your face." I backed away from Iwa a little bit, giving me a safe of distance to keep harassing him from. 

"Why haven't you told him yet, Iwa- _chan?"_

"Ten."

I skated circles around him and clasped my stick to my chest, staring longingly into the distance, "And now he's so very far away..."

"Nine."

" _Allllll_ the way in China!"

"Six."

"Maybe if you- Hey! You can't just skip numbers like that!" 

Iwaizumi's face was clouded in a terrifyingly calm rage. " _Five."_

"I'm doing this because I love you, bro. We're stepping in."

" _Three."_

"If you don't decide when to do it by the end of the night, I will."

_"Two."_

"You know I'll do it! I'll get Tetsu in on it too!" 

"Two and a _half."_

"If I were to happen to call Akaashi and it just slipped out, it wouldn't be my fault."

"Oh my god!" Iwa ripped his helmet off, wiping the sweat off his face. "Do you wanna die? You're really skating on thin ice here."

I blinked at Iwa, looked down at the ground, stomped on the ice, then looked back up at him. "Actually, I'm skating on pretty thick ice right now."

And after that, I had all of two seconds to run for my life.

\---

Shoyou was putting his skates into his bag when I finally made it to the rink down the hall from my own. I greeted him with a thorough ruffling of his hair. 

"Where are we eating?" he asked eagerly after waving goodbye to his coach and Kenma. The blonde was sitting at one of the picnic benches with Tetsu, the two having what seemed like a deep conversation without much talking. 

I smiled, happy he was getting right down to business. "I just called in some pizzas. You cool with taking them to the house instead of my apartment? Mom and Sou are home."

"That sounds great! But," he chewed on his bottom lip, "Natsu's hockey practice ends in thirty minutes. If I meet you at home, we can pick up the food?"

After exchanging the rest of the minor details, Shoyou and I hauled our gear into our respective vehicles and decided to meet at the house around three. I quickly started up my truck and got on the road. Having my family home not too far from my rink was a blessing I'll always be grateful for. A lot of people don't realize how much they take their families for granted until they become out of reach, and it didn't bother me at all to go out of my way to see my little brother. 

Even if sometimes, the sight of him stabbed my heart a little bit. I have so many good memories with Sou. Theme park trips, video games, messes in the kitchen. But that didn't just erase the bad ones. Shattered glass on the street, flashing ambulance lights, the sound of metal skidding across asphalt. It did haunt me. But I was better than what my own head tried to convince me of.

The sight of the tall, black metal gates guarding the property was enough to cheer me up. Those gates and the soft glow coming from the windows (at least the ones I could see over the walls) meant that I was home. They opened up automatically and I pulled my truck down the long driveway and parked beneath the awning next to the house. 

Walking over to the front door, I peered down at the koi pond that wrapped around the front half of the foyer. The small statue of an owl to my right held an empty pot in its talons, signifying that someone had fed them recently. I unlocked the front door and stepped inside. Once I was in the foyer, I threw my keys onto the entry table. When I opened the door to the den, my ears picked up the sound of flowing water. I closed the door behind me and turned the lights down until they were softly twinkling pins in the ceiling. The wall facing the front of the house was made entirely of windows that could also open up like sliding doors to view the koi pond.

On the floor sat a small silhouette of a person, watching the fish swim by. I set my bags up against the wall and plopped down next to them. The silhouette turned around and I was met with one of my most favorite grins. 

"Why didn't you tell me you were coming home today?" Sou turned off his phone and set it down behind him.

I threw my arm around his shoulders and squeezed him against my side. "I thought I'd surprise you. Shoyou and Natsu are coming later with your favorite pizza for dinner."

"Really?!"

"Really!"

Even at the age of eight, I could already see the bold resemblance between my younger brother and I. His hair was pure black, untouched by dye, but it stuck out stubbornly just like mine did whenever I didn't style it. His eyes were identical to mine in both color and the way they were topped with thick brows. I saw myself when he smiled, when he got frustrated, when he sought out mom when he needed a pick-me-up. Minus the scar above his right brow, Sou was my mini-me and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Eventually, him and I had to leave and go tell mom I was home, but I couldn't will myself to move just yet. It'd been a while since the two of us had spent time together. We fed the fish (courtesy of the stash of pellets Sou kept in the den) while we recounted the events of our week. As per usual, Sou was all over hearing about Akaashi. It took a lot of inner strength to not gush about my god of a boyfriend the entire time, but I managed to restrain myself. We were too entranced to talk while we were watching a video of him skating anyway.

When we were ready to leave, I got up first and hit the button to close the sliding windows. I walked to the other side of the room and turned to my brother, "Crutches or wheelchair?"

"Where are we going?" 

"Game room."

Sou's smile grew even wider. He held his arms up, "Piggy-back ride!"

"Piggy-back ride," I repeated, unable to argue. Mindful of his right leg, I helped him clamber onto my back before leaving the den and heading further into the house. I looked to the right into the living room, then to the left into the kitchen. There was no sign of mom in either room.

"She's outside," Sou informed me, reading my mind. "She went to go check on her flowers."

When mom went outside to guarding, she'd always call it her "me-time" when I was younger, and used it as a way to escape the craziness of her work. I opted to let her be for now. I turned us around and went back to the hall, but instead of taking the stairs, I went to the glass doors opposite of them.

"Kou-Kou, why are we taking the elevator?"

"You really think I can carry you up three stories after practice?" I groaned, shifting him up a little higher on my back. His arms tightened around my neck. 

"You're just lazy."

The glass doors opened and I walked into the elevator and we went in. "Well, you have me being lazy to thank for not getting dropped on your ass."

"Hey!" My ears imploded from him screaming so close to them, "That's a bad word. I'm telling mom."

"Go ahead. With how loud you just yelled, I won't even have to listen to her."

We got off the elevator on the third floor, which was easily three times bigger than my entire apartment. When I came home I almost never had time to just hang out, so this was a sweet change of pace.

I unhooked my monkey of a brother from my back and deposited him on one of the sofas before grabbing the TV remote and joining him. The screen came to life, displaying the home screen for a game console. Before doing anything else, I carefully lifted up his leg and nestled a pillow beneath the cast. "You wanna play Mario Kart?"

"I call dibs on Bowser!"

"Aw come on," I grabbed the Switch controllers from the table and handed Sou the red, since it was his favorite. "Can I play one round on Bowser? Just one!"

"You'll have to beat me first!" 

"You said that last time and still didn't let me!" 

Sou scowled at me, "Stop eating my panda cookies and I'll let you play Bowser."

My jaw fell open, hitting the ground. "Sou, you have to believe me. It's dad, not me!"

"I _saw_ you eating them!" 

"Okay, now you're just lying." 

"No, _you're_ lying!"

"Okay, okay!" I pressed my palm to his mouth, opened my mouth to say something, then immediately changed directions. "If you lick my hand I'm going to kill you. Got it?" Sou squinted at me, but nodded in agreement. "Okay, truce. You let me play one round as Bowser, and I'll buy you a box of panda cookies." I could feel the slide of lips against my palm. " _Two!_ I'll buy you two boxes." But that didn't stop him either. I sighed, yanking my hand back just in case. "Alright. I'll buy you two boxes and I'll ask Akaashi if we can FaceTime him tonight. Deal?"

Sou always lit up at the mention of Akaashi, and that was yet another thing I really saw of myself in him. But who wouldn't get excited about Akaashi? "Deal!"

We were three rounds in, and I was about ready to drive off the damn Rainbow Road when Natsu and Shoyou came up the stairs. Shoyou ran over to the corner and set the pizza boxes down on the bar counter before jumping onto the couch next to Sou. I hugged Natsu when she came up to me. Now with all three of my siblings, though two not by blood, here with me, everything felt perfect. Natsu got right to telling me all about her practice, talking at a mile a minute and almost forgetting to breathe. On the other end of the couch I could sense how much Shoyou had mellowed out. I saw him put a hand on Sou's black cast, and I knew then what they were talking about, and just how much I wanted to block it out. 

I knew I shouldn't feel guilty about it, but nothing I did could convince me it wasn't my fault. 

I cleared my throat, gently pushing Natsu away. Everyone turned to look at me. "I'm gonna go get plates for the pizza."

Natsu tried to protest, but Shoyou knew I needed to think for a second and get some space and diverted her attention. "Sou, put it on four players so Natsu and I can play!"

"Okay," replied Sou, whose eyes I could feel on my back as I jogged down the steps. 

I didn't stop until I made it to the kitchen. Running around the breakfast nook, I went through the main dining room and out the sliding glass doors to the porch, or the _lanai,_ as my mom always called it. I sat on one of the couches, leather squeaking beneath me, and pulled out my phone. 

_What time was it over there right now?_

Time zones weren't exactly coming to mind at the moment, so I just dialed and said a prayer.

"Hey, Bokuto-san. I was just about to call you." Akaashi's voice never failed to turn my heart into mush, especially when it sounded all sleepy like that. He was just too cute for my health. Had I just woke him up?

"Hello? Bokuto?"

"Sorry," I laughed, "I got distracted by how nice your voice sounds. Were you napping?"

Now it was his turn to pause on the other line. I was about to call out to him when he replied, "No, I actually just woke up before you called me. It's about six over here, and we're supposed to go to the arena for free ice at seven."

"I'm so excited to watch you on T.V. Do you know how much I'm gonna brag about you? Because it's a lot. You nervous?"

"How was practice?" He quickly said. By now, it was easy for me to detect what the notes of Akaashi's voice represented, so I didn't need to read his body language to tell what was going on. "You changed the subject just now."

"Yeah, and what about it?"

"You only do that when you're avoiding something you're upset about."

Akaashi let out a sigh followed by a laugh, and I felt some of my own worry release when his voice came out a little calmer. "You really do notice the tiniest details."

"I notice everything about you," I went on, uncaring of how cheesy it was. "How sweet you like your coffee, how you play with your hands when you're upset, how your eyes change color with the sunlight, how lovely your voice sounds when I put my-"

"O-okay! I know," Akaashi spluttered, the blush evident in his voice. His laughter twirled with mine. It made me think of the twinkle in his eye he got whenever he was happy or got great height on a jump. It made me ache for him, miss him. "But yes, I am nervous. But... it's not as bad as you might think."

"Ooh, why's that?"

"Yesterday we also had a free ice session at the center. It wasn't my first time being here, which you know, but it was my first time being there without feeling petrified."

Something strong and unwavering, call it pride, call it love, welled up in me for him. I knew from past stories he'd told me what me meant. Every time he walked into an arena he'd be competing in, he froze in fear. He never knew if it was just because it was foreign, or if there were too many people, or if it was just because he felt alone. Words couldn't even describe how much joy this brought me.

"Akaashi, that's seriously great! You deserve to feel confident wherever you're competing. I'm so happy to hear that. Do you know what caused the change?"

"...it's embarrassing." 

"Kaaaaaasssshiiiiiii."

" _Nooooooooo."_

"Please? Pretty please tell your boyfriend?"

Akaashi snorted, "Okay, but only because you said _pretty please."_ He paused for a long moment, but when he spoke again, I could feel that he was smiling. "I don't know how exactly to explain it, but... it's you, Bokuto-san. From the moment I got on the plane to when I got to the rink, something's felt so different from all the other times. At first I was feeling nervous, but then you called me before the flight took off and all of the negative feelings kind of just...ceased to exist."

"I told you, that's what I'm here for, right?" I relaxed into the couch cushions a little more. The sensation of my pulse picking up was nothing new when it came to being around Akaashi. "I don't wanna bother you too much on your trip, but you've gotta tell me all about Chongqing when you get home. I'll take you out for dinner to celebrate!"

"Oh, I don't know." And there was the tiny lilt that let me know he was about to say something self-deprecating. "I don't--Honestly, I don't even know why I'm here. Everyone else is so much better than me, so much more outgoing. I-if I don't medal, I'm sorry in advance-"

I cut him off in a flash. "Nope, I'm stopping you right there. Listen to me, and listen good, okay?"

The beat of silence let me know he was listening, and I wasn't about to waste it. 

Akaashi Keiji was just one beautiful bundle of amazingness in my eyes. Everything he did stood in the center of my attention. My world lit up when he smiled, and dimmed when he was sad or doubtful of himself. If I could grab him by the shoulders and shove my image of him into his brain, I would. All I wanted was for him to see just how much he was truly worth through his own eyes for a change, instead of through numeric scores. I knew I was slowly getting there though, and if baby steps were what he needed, I'd give him just that. Akaashi doesn't need someone to hold his hand by any means. He's strong, intelligent, capable, and beautiful- in multiple ways that I've gotten the pleasure of seeing firsthand. 

But no matter what his characteristics were, I was gonna be there for him whenever he needed that extra support. 

"I don't care if you win. I just care about you. So tomorrow, promise me you'll do your best to push out all these negative feelings and just have fun. Take the stage like you always do, enjoy travelling with your friends. You've got this. You're ready. We both know that you're your worst critic."

"But I don't know how the other skaters are going to do."

"Focusing on how someone else is gonna perform won't benefit you. Akaashi, you just have to let go. Put yourself in your own little space and focus on _you._ If you need anything, a pep-talk, an ear to vent to, I'm one call away. But only if you promise that."

There was a long bout of silence, and for a moment I worried I'd made things worse. But then, a soft "I promise," could be heard from his end. It was like I could feel the imprint of his body laying against me. I wanted to feel the tickle of his nose on my neck and smell the fresh mintyness of his shampoo. I don't think I ever went more than ten minutes without dreaming of hugging him against me. 

"Good. Pick your head up, Kaashi. You can do this. No one else there can skate like you do."

"That means a lot coming from you. Thank you so much for calling me. Just hearing your voice makes me feel better."

I laughed, "Well that feeling is mutual."

"Are you okay, Bokuto-san? I know we haven't been able to talk much and I'm sorry-"

"Everything's alright," I told him. Mulling over my thoughts from earlier, I had a change of heart. This was enough for me right now. Besides, this would be a pretty bad time to drop all my guilt on him. Supporting Akaashi was my goal. "You just enjoy the city and make sure you eat a good dinner. But you're all mine when you get home. I'm kidnapping you, so be ready."

"I never thought hearing someone say they're kidnapping me would make me so happy," Akaashi sighed. "I miss you." Those three words bit into me a lot more than I'd like to admit, but I really was yearning for him. Every night he'd been gone so far, I'd dreamed of his body next to mine. It broke my heart the tiniest when I woke up to the faint scent of him on the pillow next to mine, or came across a shirt or jacket he'd left at my place by mistake. I'd be sure to let him know just how much I'd missed him when he got home. 

"I miss you too, Kaashi." 

_Oh, and I love you more than life itself but I'm too much of a wuss to tell you._

I heard talking on the other line. The sound cut out for a moment, and then Akaashi said, "Bokuto-san, I'm so sorry. Tooru just got back to the hotel and I'm being forced to try on the absurd amount of clothing he just bought. Can I call you later?"

"Of course! I uh, also sort of told Sou he could call you too, since he's mad he hasn't met you in person yet. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, that's totally okay. You know I don't mind that. But can I ask why?"

From the corner of my eye, I saw my mom approaching the porch through the glass door, long hair piled into a black bun on top of her head and a pair of gardening gloves on her hands. While waving at her, I answered him, "Reasoning with little siblings is an art form. I cannot describe my ways."

"I'll leave you to it then," he chuckled, and the sound was music to my damn ears. Just how was it possible for a man to be so beautiful? I still couldn't believe that he was _my_ man. "Call you later?"

"Yup. Call you later." The call dropped, but I couldn't tell which one of us hung up in the midst of the blood racing in my head. I dropped my phone into my lap. Akaashi's contact picture, a snapshot of him with a cup of coffee raised to his lips stared back at me. His mouth was hidden, but the smile in his eyes wasn't. "I love you," I said softly to the picture.

The couch dipped next to me as my mother sat down. I threw my arms around her, meeting her in the middle for a big hug. I don't care what anyone says or thinks, but everyone needs a hug from their mom every now and then. 

"I didn't expect you to come home tonight. You're usually out on Friday nights." I turned my head to raise an eyebrow at her. "Not that I'm complaining of course."

"Well I wanted to come home. I haven't seen you or Sou or dad in weeks, I wanted to hang out with Sho and Natsu. Plus, I don't know if this sounds weird or not, but lately my apartment's been feeling kinda empty. Yeah, empty. But I don't know why."

Mom hummed in thought. She reached over and picked up my phone, studying the picture of Akaashi. I expected her to scold me again for not bringing him over to meet everyone yet, but she didn't. "You really know how to pick 'em, Kou."

"Oh my god mom, _please_ don't say that."

"What, what's wrong with that? Am I not allowed to recognize how handsome he is?" I sat up and wrestled the phone out of her hand, catching another glimpse of the image before locking the screen. "I still think it's funny how he's been friends with Shoyou for so long and you've only just met him. Small world, huh?"

"Definitely," I agreed.  
  


“Is everything alright, Kou?”

“Yeah, I responded with a sigh. “I just wanted to get a little fresh air. Sometimes seeing him in the cast or the scar on his face just makes me think about it.”

“It’s going to be like that for a little while, with how recent it was,” I let my head fall onto her shoulder as she ran her hands through me hair. “Nothing that happened that day was your fault. You weren’t the one driving recklessly.”

“But I-“

“No buts, Koutarou.” I shut my mouth and gave up, since there was no use in protesting in this matter. “You may be moved out and working, but you’re still my baby. Don’t keep it all bottled up. Your family is here for you.”

“I know. And I’m really grateful for that.”

We sat like this for a little while longer, watching the wind ripple the surface of the pool. The entire time, I couldn’t stop thinking about other people in my life who may not have a lot of people to call family anymore. Or maybe someone who’d lost family.   
  
But not for long. Blood didn’t define who was and was not family. 

Deciding we’d kept everyone waiting long enough, I slowly stood upand stretched my arms behind my head, "Wanna come with me to bring the plates upstairs? Everyone's in the game room."

"With how you've been out here, they're all probably eating it out of the box." Mom stood up after me, wrapping me in another hug before letting me go because the first one just wasn't good enough. With her standing next to me, it was easy to see my height didn't come from her side of the gene pool.

"Something tells me that would've happened either way." 

Our feet tapped silently against the sleek redwood floors as we made our way up to the third floor. Sou and Natsu were sitting knee to knee on the couch, eyes glued to the TV screen, controllers clutched in hand. It was one of those rare moments in history where they were in the same room as one another _and_ quiet. Any parent that says video games don't have their perks is lying. 

Shoyou swiveled off the barstool, pizza in hand. Dots of red sauce decorated his cheeks. "Auntie!" He ran happily over to mom and gave her a hug. "Are you gonna stay up here and eat with us?"

"I don't see why not. I would like to change out of these gardening clothes first. You think you can wait an extra five?"

"I don't know mom, these three are human vacuum cleaners."

She scoffed, "Don't act like that doesn't include you, Koutarou."

"At least I have the courtesy to wait till everyone else is done. Or I just order my own pizzas!"

While mom left to go change, Shoyou and I went to work divvying up the pizza onto the paper plates, the occasional grunt of pure focus coming from one of the kids. I eyed the clock on the wall, estimating that dad would be home in no more than thirty minutes. Living the life of a professional athlete was a dream came true, but that didn't mean it didn't get overwhelming. What better way was there to escape from this?

I made both myself and Akaashi a promise from the bottom of my heart, that next time he would be coming too. Not every home or person would accept him for who he was, but that was their problem. It wasn't his fault some people couldn't see how great of a soul he was.

Here, he would always be welcome, and I was going to show him just that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah, wholesome mom and younger sibling content.  
> i know some of you might be wondering since we don't know much about his brother yet, but there is more to come on that topic soon. just to confirm, yes, Sou has a bad leg injury right now. that's partially why i included the house having an elevator.  
> and yes, they do have a big home. if anyone wants to see the home i based it off of, i'll post a link next chapter! (im a slut for cool architecture and homes, i can't help it)
> 
> thank you for reading, commenting, and leaving kudos!!! i love you all so much!!1


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise guys!!!! im not dead!!!!!  
> sorry for leaving for two weeks without an update, i've been stressing about this all week, wrote it once only to have it get deleted, and then i got roped into a whole other bunch of issues. toxic exes are not fun to deal with hahahhaahahaaaaa
> 
> anyways, i hope everyone's doing great. and you all had a fun and safe halloween!
> 
> i apologize in advance for what you're about to read

Despite the overwhelming energy that is to be expected at a major Grand Prix event, and the sea of people that covered every corner, I was able to take in just how beautiful of a city Chonqing was.

The stinging scent of makeup remover lingering on my skin, I stepped into the crowds congregating outside of the sports center. The wide courtyard was alive this evening, the tall windows of the face of the complex bathing everyone in a soft gold light from inside. I caught a few other fellow skaters hanging out in one corner or another; some mingling with their fans, while others avoided them like the plague.

It reminded me a lot of Bokuto. Wherever there was something hockey related, he was always there too: Billboards, magazines, TV, posters. In terms of career choices we were both considerably similar. On the other hand, the thing that made us so different was what we did beyond that. I generally avoided doing brand deals and campaigns, and only partook in interviews when approached so I didn't look like a complete jerk. I barely even went out at home, secluding myself to avoid interaction with people I didn't know.

But Bokuto? My God, we were a world apart. He jumped at every opportunity to go out with his friends and families, unconcerned with the fact that he'd get recognized and approached. He never turned down a photo, an interview or any similar affairs. But with his reputation and overall positive influence in the sports world, it was easy to see why so many companies grapple to associate with his face and name.

It was like anywhere I went, I couldn't avoid getting lost in his striking eyes.

I giggled to myself behind my hand. No matter what I was doing Bokuto always managed to burrow into my thoughts. I really couldn't help but miss him in this moment as I stood a whole country away from him. Today was the twelfth of November. Two more days until I'd be hopping onto a plane home, where our schedules finally found a break big enough for us to celebrate his belated birthday before I was bound for Russia. I was unashamedly counting down the days. 

"Somebody sure looks happy!"

My body went rigid for a second. I turned to my left, sidestepping Coach to find the owner of the voice. Standing in front of me was a man zipped up in a Team USA jacket, grey almond-shaped eyes peering at me over a thick scarf. He pulled the material down, and I relaxed upon recognizing a familiar face. 

"Happy to go to the spa in my hotel room," I laughed, turning to face the other skater fully. "Is it this cold in New York right now?"

Aran considered this for a moment. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure it starting snowing just after I left," he smiled, "How'd you remember I train in New York?"

"I've got good memory," I tapped my temple. But in all honesty, it was just easy to remember details about the small percentage of kind people like Aran Ojiro. You don't find skaters with an attitude as good as his often.

"Always analyzing people, just like I remember. How are you?"

"I've been doing really great," I answered easily. "I guess things are looking a lot better than the last time I saw you. How has living in America been?"

Aran sighed, but it wasn't a very sad sound. "I'll be honest with you Akaashi, I do miss home a lot. But training in America is insane! In a good way of course. New York has the best bagels in the world. It took me a while to get used to my new coaches, but now I feel really at home."

"You've always been pretty level-headed and adaptive. Though I'm really not surprised you talked about the food first." Aran and I let out a laugh, steam leaving our lips in the cold. "But I'm happy for you, Aran. Moving all the way to a new continent to represent a new country can't be an easy transition."

"Oh, it wasn't, but now I'm breaking personal records left and right! You should totally come visit sometime," he took a small notepad out of his bag and scribbled something on it, handing me the page after ripping it out. "I'll show you around the city, take you to my favorite restaurants. And hey, maybe you can take that new hockey friend of yours with you," he winked.

My mind blanked, the simple act of taking the paper from him taking an extra ten seconds. Did that really just come out of his mouth?

No, it was impossible for him to even know Bokuto associated with me. I hadn't seen him in a full year, Bokuto and I got together only months ago. 

I blinked at him, "I'm sorry, what?"

"Oh you know what I'm talking about," he lightly punched my shoulder. "How could I not with the way you were smiling to yourself a minute ago?"

"Well aren't you some sort of mind reader," I muttered, straining to keep the smile on my face. "And you know about him...how?"

Aran shrugged, "Social media I guess." A man's voice rang out behind Aran and I, the person waving with the hand unoccupied by bags. Aran jabbed a thumb over his shoulder. "I should probably be heading back to my hotel too. It was nice finally getting to talk to you again, Akaashi. Good luck on your free skate tomorrow, I'll be cheering you on!" He gave my shoulder a squeeze before waving to his coach and walking off to meet him.

As Aran left, other members of the crowd suddenly started to press in. From the spaces between people's heads I caught sight of Coach and began weaving my way toward him. I ended up taking a massive detour midway through to avoid a black-haired boy sporting a South Korea team jacket. The skater's bangs were unmistakable, and my brain was much too scrambled to deal with the famous fiery personality of Goshiki Tsutomu. Like Aran, I didn't know the personal reasons behind him leaving his home country to be recruited by another, but if that's what he needed to be successful, then I had no intention of judging.

"We'd better get going if we want to beat the press," Coach informed me when I made it to him. "Oikawa-san wasn't feeling too well, so Suga took him back to the hotel already. If we hurry, we can still get to the hotpot place you wanted to go to in the shopping district?"

"I'll eat at home," I quickly said. Coach, looking much too exhausted himself to argue, handed me my suitcase and starting pushing back the crowds, creating a path for us amidst the chaos.

"Akaashi! While you're here, would you mind answering a few questions for me?" 

We were halfway down the steps leading out of the Chongqing Huaxi Sports Center when my ear caught the telltale clicking.

Not a second later the click turned into two, then three, then five, and we were soon surrounded by reporters.

There weren't that many things that I genuinely held hatred towards in skating, but this was one of them. I hated the way microphones were always shoved in our faces, and the buzz of reporters competing to ask questions by yelling over one another with disdain. I never did well in crowds of unfamiliar, let alone something like this. 

I dodged a microphone that nearly clipped me on the cheek, eyes squinting from the flash. 

"Akaashi! How did you come up with such an emotional program this year? What was your inspiration?"

A young woman with glasses much thicker than my patience inched closer.

"Are you ready for the anticipated fight between you and fellow Team Japan member Sakusa Kiyoomi?"

"Whose program, besides you own, was your favorite tonight? Least favorite?"

Camera flashes were a rather ugly light source in comparison to the ambience of the sports center, it made me sick. Was it too go hide in the complex? Or could I run to the car and tell the driver to step on it?

I held my hands out as best I could to maintain what little personal space I had left, barely keeping my balance as we got pushed back and forth in the crowd. We were outside, surrounded by nothing but cool night air, but each question was a panel, slowly being put up around me like walls closing in. I opened up my mouth to speak, but a question from one young man made any words crumble to dust. 

"What is your relationship with MSBY's left winger Bokuto Koutarou?"

All of the oxygen was stripped from the air. The wind suddenly felt too cold, too strong, all sounds reaching a deafening frequency. 

The question came from a tall man, bundled up in a thick coat and hat, a microphone in his gloved hands. He stepped closer, eyes expectant. "Recently, several people have spotted you two together. So what's your relationship?" he repeated.

"You almost never went out before people started seeing you together," a woman with short hair commented.

"I bet he's a fag!" Someone's voice shouted toward the back of the crowd. Coach's left eye twitched a couple times before firmly turning away from any more questions and waving over the driver. 

"Akaashi! What is your opinion on skating with the some of the first openly gay male figure skaters this season?"

"Are you working on some sort of collaboration with Bokuto in preparation for the Olympics?"

The last question finally snapped me out of my shock, and I let my disdain for talking about the Olympics spur me into the black SUV at full speed. Coach gave the driver the hotel address. He pulled away from the neon lights of the towering sports center shortly after.

I watched the reporters flicker out through the window like dying stars.

\---

My thoughts remained in their incoherent jumble in my brain until I was secured behind the locked door of my hotel room. I probably sat for a full hour in the living room with the lights off, staring blankly at the white orchids on the low coffee table or the collection of books and traditional Chinese vases on the shelves. I guess I had my mother to thank for booking these unnecessarily large suites when I competed abroad, but I was never one to dwell on materialism. The wide rooms felt lonely. 

A few more minutes of staring later I finally gathered the courage to pick up my phone. I picked the device up, the weight of it filling me with dread, and unlocked it. 

Upon searching up Bokuto's name I was met with hundreds of thousands of results. It really shouldn't have been surprising to me. He was good at what he did _and_ a great person. An ideal celebrity athlete. I had to scroll through a couple pages of searches to find anything, since dozens of outlets were commentating and analyzing the game he played in last night.

There was so much. Interviews, candid shots from games, player analysis, highlights, and so, _so_ many fanpages. For the sake of the jealousy itching my stomach, I skipped over those. Though I did look through some pictures, and those at least made me smile.

The smile was short-lived, however, because two articles from some big-name sports news source, one on top of the other, came into view. The first one was from almost nine months ago, but came up at the top. The second was much more recent:

_Black Jackals Starter Bokuto Koutarou in Near-Fatal Car Crash with Little Brother, Both Hospitalized_

_ Olympic Figure Skater Akaashi Keiji Out with Hockey Star Bokuto Koutarou- Friends?_

I felt my heart plummet. My finger hovered over the screen, motionless, unsure if I should open either of them. Was this the adorable Sou I'd yet to meet in person? Uncontrollable scenarios came rolling through my mind. I pictured a car flipped over in a ditch, then two cars smashed together on a highway. I imagined a wailing ambulance scooping up Bokuto and his little brother, taking them away to the hospital. 

I couldn't do it. Not tonight. My heart couldn't take imagining the accident, and reading about it on some news report felt disgusting, wrong. It was such a personal thing, and probably a very traumatic one at that, and all of the details were just out here in the open for anyone to read? There was no way I would ever open this. It was an invasion of his personal life and I'd rather die than learn about it on the internet rather than him. 

I stared at the title, repulsed and shaken, until it made me so angry that I had to stop. To get it out of my head I clicked on the next article. 

Why did I think that was a good idea?

The article opened up with a brief synopsis of our careers, and upon scrolling once I found the pictures, and I suddenly had the urge to throw up from nerves.

The album was full of countless pictures. Bokuto and I out on dates, at our rink, sitting and standing _very_ close to each other. One photo of him lifting me off my feet in a huge hug came onto my screen. It should've filled me with joy to see it, but instead I felt crushed with a kind of guilt I'd never felt before. Beneath the photo was a caption:

_Bokuto and Akaashi spotted hugging this past October. Super friendly or more than friends?_

The picture and caption were only one of many. I couldn't even bring myself to read through paragraph upon paragraph of all this speculation. It filled me with shame, but why? Never in a million years would I be ashamed of Bokuto being my partner. He was such a genuine soul, caring honest and hardworking. No wonder so many people wrote on him and interviewed him, he was amazing. Bokuto's personality and drive combined to give him the ultimate reputation. 

Slowly, the apprehension came to light. 

It wasn't him I was ashamed of. Of course not. It was me. 

What would happen to that reputation if he were accidentally outed? He could lose sponsorships, fans, all of that. Could he lose his spot on his _team?_ What about the Olympics?

Bokuto was perfect in every way. A strong, healthy tree with flourishing leaves and sturdy branches. I was a cloud, one slip up away from throwing him into the shadows and killing everything he worked so hard to build for himself. 

I let my phone fall from my hand as I dropped onto the couch. I ended up falling off of it and banging my head into the coffee table, like the intelligent human being everyone says I am. My stomach heaved constantly, twisting in enough pain to rob me of any movement. I just couldn't understand that if I was so intelligent, how I had never realized any of this before. I could _ruin him._ Then, I would lose everything between us. There was no version of the future I could see him forgiving me in.

The media was a toxic force. It didn't matter whether it was hockey, figure skating, politics, you name it. One image, one comment or lie had the potential to be spread like wildfire. Things get blown out of proportion. Maybe here and there someone will add some extra fuel with a lie. Scandals or dating rumors between men and women were one thing, but between two men was another. What would happen to Bokuto emotionally if he had to experience the unrelenting homophobia of the media? This type of exposure was unavoidable with my career, but for the love of God, all I wanted was for it to _stop._

The number of things in Bokuto's life I had to potential to destroy with by just existing was nauseating. I hadn't even considered what it could do to me, since I felt too worthless to consider. 

My mother would see it. She would find out before I got the chance to try to fix things between us. 

An angry cramp ripped through my stomach, clenching and twisting my organs in the hands of my own guilt. Steadying myself on the couch I quickly limped into the bathroom. It was a challenge to navigate the suite in pitch darkness. Luckily I fell in front of the toilet before my stomach couldn't handle the intense emotions and I threw up. It was mostly several minutes of dry heaving, considering I don't eat much before I perform, but even so it was painful. My stomach heaved and my throat turned shredded and raw as I gasped into the bowl. 

Bile coated my mouth. I braced my hands on either side of the bowl, gripping it until my knuckles went white in hopes it would ground me, but the room still felt like it was spinning. When my stomach eventually calmed down, I detached myself from the cold white and inched backward until my back hit a wall. I let my head fall between my knees and shoved my hands through my hair. The clean scent of the sports center still wasn't completely worn off. I should shower; I should brush my teeth, eat, and go to sleep. Where was the will to do basic things when I needed it most?

I blinked rapidly, salty tears plastering against my lips. I wondered if Bokuto ever found it annoying that I cried so much in front of him. If he did, then my friends definitely did. All I ever do is get emotional and screw things up without trying. 

From the living room, a tiny light in the darkness came to life. My ringtone filled the empty space as it called out for an answer. I knew exactly who it was that was calling, but truthfully, I didn't even feel worthy enough to hear his voice. But all of that aside, I couldn't let him continue like this, potentially hurting himself. If I could maintain at least one good quality within myself and follow through with things to the end, then maybe it would be okay. So with gloom weighing down each step, I climbed to my feet and felt my way into the living room.

I wasn't commanding my body to move when it did, granted the state of weird limbo my brain was in, but I didn't think twice as my feet lead me out of the hotel room, phone in hand. 

The hotel was beautiful. The buildings were all natural wood and windows, and the scent of flowers was in the air despite the season. Vaguely, I remembered this hotel being famous for its outdoor spa facility. I walked for about fifteen minutes before I finally found a pathway. A directory sign stood at the entrance, but I couldn't read it through the combination of shadows from all of the trees and the fact that I didn't speak Chinese. Praying there was cell service down here, I took off my sneakers and tucked them beneath my arm. I was still in joggers and a thermal jacket from earlier, but I couldn't care less.

Cool stone paving the pathway pressed beneath my feet until I made it to the end of the pathway. There was no way of telling where I was, but by the looks of it, I was pretty far back in the facility. When I made it to a staircase of stone, I gingerly climbed up. 

At the top was a little pool that looked straight out of a fantasy movie. The pool was bordered with lush green plants and small boulders. The pool was clear enough to see the slate bottom and I questioned how deep it was. The only light came from two white beams illuminating the water. Taking a precautionary glance around, I stripped and went to step into the pool.

Unfortunately, my depth perception was laughable without my glasses, and I completely missed the ledge to enter. Legs flailing out beneath me I plunged straight into the water. 

I couldn't even do so much as keep my hair dry. 

I slowly resurfaced, thankful that the water was pleasantly warm. Apparently I hadn't made enough noise to warrant a security guard, and no one showed up to catch me buck naked. I swam to the ledge of the pool and pressed my back to the stone. I couldn't even remember the last time I soaked in a pool like this, or just went outside to enjoy the sound of nature. The cold air in contrast to the hot bath made my pulse pick up. Or at least, that's what I told myself the reason was. I brushed my wet hair out of my face and leaned back to see the sky peeking in between the tree branches. 

It was funny, how awful I felt while being in such a beautiful place. But I couldn't let myself be so selfish anymore. I couldn't put Bokuto through this and be the thing that brings more pain into his life. Me loving him was dangerous for him. I couldn't see him ever admitting that being with me was hurting him, so I knew what I had to do now. As much misery as it injected into me, I would follow through for him, so he won't ever have to feel this way.

I counted the seconds between everything I did, like it would somehow freeze time so I didn't have to do this.

I turned around and found my pile of clothes. Beneath it I found my phone.

_I don't want to do this. I can't_

Picking it up, I turned it on.

_I can't lose him._

I dialed his number by heart. Tears sprung out of my eyes when the contact picture of us filled the screen.

_Why do I have to do this?_

My finger paused over the call button. My hands shook so much, I was scared I'd drop it into the pool. I hit call.

_It's for the best. I'm protecting him, right?_

"Akaashi? Hey! Uh, why are you still up? Isn't it like three in the morning over there right now? You need to go to bed right now so you're well rested for tomorrow!"

My heart clenched, pounding painful and rough in my ribcage. I bit back a sob. He sounded so happy, and I had no idea how I was supposed to do this. 

"You did amazing tonight, by the way! I convinced Coach to let us out a couple minutes early so I could watch you."

_Does this kind of thing always hurt this bad?_

"Akaaaaaaaashi? You okay?" A moment later he spoke again, but his voice was softer like he was farther away from the phone, "Maybe he butt dialed me?"

"I'm here," I said as evenly as possible. But of course my own vocal cords betrayed me, and cracked at the end of the sentence. "I needed to talk to you about something."

"Hey, are you crying? What's wrong, and why are you up this late? If you really need to talk now I'll gladly stay up with you, but I still think you need to go to b-"

"No," I interrupted him. My lungs took in a deep breath, but it only made me stutter and hiccup even more. "I need to do this now."

Bokuto paused. Then, in a puzzled tone, he said, "Do what?"

"I'm sorry, Bokuto-san."

"Okay, now you're really starting to make me worry. I'm sure whatever you're feeling doesn't need an apology. Can we FaceTime? I miss you a lot and I wanna see you!"

"I'm breaking up with you."

I had to physically pull the phone away from my ear and bite down hard on my knuckle to reel in my own weeping. From where my phone now sat on the edge of the deck, I could hear him bursting with questions like a cut hose. He sounded scared, confused, and so unbelievably _hurt._ I tried my hardest to convince myself he'd only hurt more if I didn't do this, but I was having a very hard time doing so.

"Was it something I did? Akaashi, if I did something to hurt you or anything like that I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. But _please,"_ his voice cracked, dropping into a hopeless tone I never thought I'd hear come from him. "Please just tell me so I can fix it. I can't lose you. I _can't._ I don't know what e-exactly I did, but whatever it was I'll n-never do it again! O-or, if you don't feel like I thought y-you did about me, that's...is that what it is?"

_No. No, no, no, never. I love you so much. Please don't let me do this._

I really am pathetic. 

"I'm sorry."

"Akaashi wait, please! Can you at least wait until you're home so we can talk about this? I can't let this happen, not like this. If there's really something wrong shouldn't we at least talk about it in person?"

"This is over now."

Bokuto was never one to cry. He was a very emotionally intelligent person, but he was always so upbeat and ready to go that I never saw it happen. It felt wrong to hear his voice in this octave. The image of his eyes welling with tears, his face contorted in pain burned into my eyelids. It was everywhere. As he pleaded with me to rethink my decision, the way his words tried to cling onto _something_ echoed in my head.

"I'm begging you, Akaashi," he wept, though I could hardly hear it over my own, "Don't do it. Not like this. If you really want to break up, please just wait until you get home. I can't handle doing it while you're so far away. _Please."_

If I prayed enough to whatever gods, I thought maybe I could engrain his fingerprints into my skin, every inch of it where Bokuto had once touched or kiss. The pain of losing something, losing _him,_ was making my head spin, and I never imagined being in this much agony. And judging on his tone, Bokuto wasn't feeling any better.

_I would cause him pain either way._

And now he's hurting, all because of me. If only there was a way for me to take him away from it. But there wasn't. 

"I have to. I'm sorry."

"Akaashi please wait a minute. Is this... is this really what you want?"

_Of course it's not what I want. I want you but I'll only bring you pain._

For a long moment, I said nothing, because it physically hurt me to actually lie to Bokuto. I truly felt like the scum of the earth, doing this to him

"Akaashi, I _know_ this isn't what you want. Just talk to me. What the hell is going on right now?"

I didn't doubt at all that he could tell what the truth was. I didn't say yes, I didn't say no, but instead let the silence rip us both apart.

"I just don't understand I really believed you were happy with me. _Why, Akaashi?"_

My throat was too tight to put together any sort of answer.

"I'm not letting things end like this between us, do you hear me? I don't care what I have to do, but I can't just let you go while you're in another country. I can't let this happen."

No other words came from my mouth as I ended the call. I let my hands drop away from my head, uncaring when the hand holding my cell phone broke the surface of the water. 

In what little voice I had left, I hiccupped out what I wish I would've said before hanging up. 

"Because I love you."

Maybe it was a good thing I was short and vague with my responses. If I hadn't been, I would have had to tell Bokuto my reasons, and I didn't nearly have enough strength for that. There was no way I'd have the strength to perform tomorrow now, but did it even matter anymore?

I gladly would have slept in the pool all night until I drowned, but Sugawara and Oikawa eventually hunted me down, dragging me out of the water. I sat in bed for the rest of the night. Not quite sleeping, but not quite awake. 

\---

"What the _fuck_ were you thinking?! Do you have any idea how worried we all were?! You weren't even answering your damn phone! Coach was about to call the police! And do you have _any_ idea what time it was-"

"Tooru," Suga jabbed him hard in the ribs, cutting him off midway through reprimanding me. If I didn't feel like the human version of the void right now, I would have snapped right back. While Oikawa cursed and rubbed the sore spot, Suga jumped onto my bed. "C'mon, scooch over."

"What time are we leaving again?" I asked, moving as he asked. 

"We don't have to start getting ready until noon, but you're not going anywhere until you get some sleep," he replied. 

Oikawa walked up to the bed, looking a little less infuriated than earlier. He held something up in his hand, "Keiji, what the hell happened last night? I had to fish your phone out of the pool."

"Nothing happened, I was just tired," I lied to him.

"Bull-fucking-shit," Oikawa spat, throwing my waterlogged phone onto the bed. "You are the last person on earth to ever do something like this. Did someone mess with you? I'll kick their asses into next year for you, you know that right? Just give me some names and I'll-"

Suga quickly held up a hand. "If you're done trying to solve Keiji's problems with violence, I'd like to find out what actually happened." He turned to me, fixing a serious, concerned look on me. Oikawa joined him, putting a hand on my knee. "Okay, I'll make you a deal. You get some sleep for now, because you look dead and you're performing tonight. When you wake up, we'll eat lunch, and then you can tell us what happened, but you can't ditch. Deal?"

Oikawa's eyebrows flew up. "Are you seriously going to let him sleep with all this stuff on his mind? If we talk about it now maybe he'll actually be able to sleep."

"He needs to sleep before tonight," Suga argued.

"He needs to not bottle everything up!"

"I haven't agreed to _anything_ yet," I scrubbed at my face with my hands, overcome with bleariness. "And I don't want to talk about it."

Suga opened his mouth to respond, but a phone went off somewhere in the room. He fished it out from underneath the covers and stared at his phone, puzzled. Then, his complexion melted into realization. "Maybe he does then?" He turned the phone around so I could look at it. 

Bokuto was calling Suga's phone. 

My heart leapt out of my chest, every emotion in existence erupting within me. "D-don't answer it!" I pleaded, swiping for the phone, "Please!"

"I won't, I won't!" Suga yelled back. He handed the phone to Oikawa, who just stared at it angrily. "Does this have to do with Bokuto-san, then?"

"I... I broke up with him."

Two heads snapped toward me, and I was greeted with two pairs of dumbfounded eyes. 

"You _broke up_ with Bokut-san?" Oikawa threw the phone down on the bed. "Keiji what the hell happened!? Did he do something? Did you get into a fight?"

I shook my head, not looking at either of them.

"Keiji, why?" Suga said softly, wrapping me up in a hug when I fell into his chest. "If you don't feel the same as you did before anymore then that's that, but I really don't think that's the case, is it?"

I pressed my forehead into his shoulder, biting back tears, "Of course it's not. I- I didn't wanna break up with him, Koushi! But I'm terrible! I'm the worst!" My voice was rapidly getting louder, but the unfiltered sorrow and the withheld urge to scream from the night before were resurfacing. "I ruined his life just because I love him! And now he hates me!"

Suga wrapped his arms tightly around me, rubbing up and down my back with enough firmness to help me ground myself. 

"Wait," Oikawa moved to sit down so I was between him and Suga, "What are you talking about? You said you ruined his life."

"I did," I choked out. "If it were to get out that he were g-gay it would be my entire fault!"

"I think you're letting your emotions get the best of you right now Keiji." Suga never failed to be soothing, but he also didn't leave any bit of the truth out. "Bokuto is so proud to have you in his life, and you are completely looking over that fact. Now what exactly did you see that made you so freaked out?"

Without looking up from Suga's shoulder I groped around the bed until I found my phone. I clicked the on button several times until I remembered what I did to it last night. Oikawa replaced mine with Suga's. I pulled up the article and showed it to them. "There are pictures of us floating around social media right now, even Aran Ojiro saw them. If anymore g-get out and someone starts p-p-posting that he's gay, then it could-"

"Bokuto is gay," Oikawa said matter-of-factly, pulling our attention to him.

"Uh-huh," Suga pursed his lips.

"I'm not finished yet," Oikawa bit out. He turned to look at me squarely. "Bokuto is gay. He's out to his family from what we know, and pretty much everyone on his team knows or is gay too. My point is, he feels secure with who he is and with being your partner. He wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with you if he wasn't ready to face the potential consequences."

"B-but the-"

He held up a hand. "Stop jumping to conclusions. What I'm saying is that you're forgetting that Bokuto knows what he signed up for when he started dating you. He's a professional athlete like you. He knows how social media functions sometimes. You could go anywhere, travel the whole globe, and every place you'll probably find a homophobe. He's a smart boy, he knows that. But he _also_ knows that wherever he goes, he'll always have people that love him. He may get some backlash if he ever publicly comes out, but he has an entire fan base that will defend him. His team already knows. If he's not out publicly yet, then that's his business, and only he can confirm that no matter what some stupid news site says. But you, you little overthinker, didn't stop to look at _every_ piece of this puzzle before you spoke. He's clearly way too happy with you to spare jerks like that a second look."

After a beat of silence, Suga nodded. "Tooru is right. Bokuto doesn't really care about social media and gossip anyway, right? He's just wants to go out and have fun. He doesn't care what people have to say about him as long as he has the people he loves, and I think between your performance anxiety and your overactive mind," he flicked my forehead, "You immediately assumed the worst."

I inhaled, counted to ten, and then exhaled. When my throat felt stable enough to talk, I thumbed away the tears gathering in my eyes. "He's worked so hard to get where he is now. I was afraid one day the reason he lost it all, and I just didn't think I could live with it. I feel so awful now. I never wanted to break up with him, but I thought I had to because of all this."

"You wanted to protect him," Tooru ran his hand up and down my arm. 

"I was," I agreed. "But now look what I've done. I broke up with him at three in the morning while we're a country apart and made him cry. I've screwed up everything between us, and he's probably never going to talk to me again. I've lost him."

"You don't know that," he argued. "You don't know anything until you actually _talk_ to him. I think he deserves to hear the whole story, and you deserve a chance to tell him. To explain your feelings."

I looked up warily at the brunette, who wore a warm smile. "Would he even want listen after I hurt him like that?"

"I've got a few missed calls that might be able to answer that," Suga chuckled. "But I'm confident that he'll give you the time, Keiji. You sort of left him in the dark last night, trying to dump him with no context."

"And then dumping your phone," Oikawa added.

"He's going to want to know what happened," Suga continued. "And most of all, I think he's going to want to fix it."

"I want to fix it." I sat up slowly, resisting the urge to hide away in Suga's shirt for the rest of my life. "I really, really want to fix it. I don't want to imagine what my life would be like without him in it anymore. I-I don't want him to think I don't lo-" I paused midsentence. But shortly after, I realized that I no longer needed to hesitate. I knew how I felt. "I don't want him to think I don't love him."

Oikawa's face lit up with a huge smile that I slowly returned. "That's everything you need to know, Keiji. We're gonna get you your man back!"

"Uhm, no, not now," Suga chastised, sitting on his phone after Oikawa tried to swipe it. "I know this was a really important conversation, but we're running late now. Let's start getting ready to go. You think you can wait to call him until later tonight?"

"I can, but I don't want to."

He shrugged, "A-plus for the honestly. Now get your sad asses out of this bed right now. We've got a free skate to go dominate tonight!"

The two of them showered me with more hugs and reaffirmations before they left my hotel room to go get ready in their own. I wiggled my way out of the bedding, walking on tired legs into the bathroom. I found my eyes in the mirror. They looked tired, complete with eyebags and everything. My body language was portraying the message very clear that I was currently a little messed up. A _lot_ messed up. But even so, I picked myself back up and fixed my posture. No matter how slim it may be, no matter how frail the string may be, I promised myself I would hold onto any hope I could get. Even if Bokuto hated me now, I had faith I could at least smooth out any misunderstandings. He really deserved so much better.

The future awaiting me after today held much uncertainty. But he helped me find pieces of myself I never knew I possessed and no matter how he felt now, I would always be thankful for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorryyyyy!!!!!!!
> 
> no im not lol
> 
> thank you so much for reading, and leaving comments&kudos. this chapter was kind of a rough one to write, but i felt like it was an important aspect of their lifestyle that needed touched on. 
> 
> see you next week for an update that's actually on schedule!!!
> 
> also if u made it down this far in the notes ily. if the boys were to one day go get pedicures for a date, what color do u think bokuto would get? for science reasons✨


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember when i said my updates were gonna be on time? don't worry, i lied to myself to:)
> 
> n-e-wayz, i hope y'all enjoy this chapter. this month is really kicking my ass, and if it's kicking yours too, just remember im rooting for you!!!

By the time it was almost noon and the sun partially glinted in the cold late morning, I still hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep since last night. I spent the rest of the morning just going through the motions- brushing my teeth, packing my things for tonight, eating breakfast, but just barely picking at it. My stomach wasn’t ready to hold food.

I was hoping that the pain and tiredness would distract me from the growing ache in my heart, but it only demanded my attention all the more. Every couple minutes I’d dig into my pocket for my phone. I wanted to call Bokuto to apologize a million times. To hear relief breathed into his voice.

And then I would recall the waterlogged device sitting on the nightstand in my hotel room, and my hope drained. Maybe it was just the universe’s way of reminding me not to hold onto something I never deserved in the first place.

Every task I performed all morning, very few albeit, had extra weight to it, like boulders of regret shackled to my ankles. Just wanting to make things right was not enough. I didn’t have a way to contact him. Would he even want me to contact him? The falling tones of sadness in his voice rang through my head, twisting my stomach.

“Keiji?”

I jumped in my seat, banging my knees into the table. The few other guests in the small cafe turned to look at us, but Suga quickly stared them down. “Sorry,” I forced out, “I guess I’m a little distracted still.”

“A little?” Suga’s eyebrows climbed up his forehead, “You’ve been in another world since last night. What’s going on in there?” He tapped a finger to my temple.

I paused for a moment, looked down at the coffee cup between my hands. It was cold and untouched. “I’m sorry Koushi. I just can’t stop thinking about it. About Bokuto, hearing him crying. I’ve really messed up. I’ve messed up everything and I still don’t know how to fix it.”

Suga pulled one of my hands off of the cup and set his own over mine, gently pulling me out of the beginnings of a ramble. “Alright, I need you to listen to me, and I mean _actually_ listen to me. Just for a second, try to get out of your head, okay?”

I nodded.

“When I first met you, I knew you were a very emotional person. You felt for others strongly, because you felt like no one was there for you before. You’re the one who fixes things for others. You cheer up Shoyou when he can’t nail a jump. You were there every step of the way when Kenma was in recovery and trying to eat properly again. I would lose count of the times you’ve given your all to support Tooru and I if I tried. We love you and rely on you.”

“I love you guys too.” He squeezed my hand. I let myself be comforted by it, no matter how small it was.

“But here you are now. Look at what’s going on, the whole picture. You’re currently standing in front of a roadblock, and you can’t move it. You can’t fix everything this time, and that only makes it hurt worse. Would you agree with that?”

The more I thought about Suga’s words, the more I started to realize how true it was. I didn’t have anyone to ask for help after dad got sick. His withered hand wasn’t able to offer itself as I tried to keep afloat in my own storm. So when I made my first real friends and eventually moved out, I dedicated myself to my friend emotionally. I didn’t want them to feel alone like I did.

“I do,” I said slowly. “But it’s because I want to be.”

Suga signed, “And this is what makes you such a great friend. However, that doesn’t take away from the facts of the present. This isn’t a situation you alone can fix for someone else. Now, don’t get mad at me, but this needs to be said.”

He pulled the coffee cup from my other hand, now holding both of mine tightly in his. After earning my look of understanding, he continued.

“What you did, the way you tried to break things off with Bokuto. That was not right. It was impulsive, and a very hurtful move on your part, point-blank. Even if you really did want to leave him that would’ve been a pretty cruel way to do it.”

Heat stung the backs of my eyes and my throat tightened. No, I was not going to cry in the middle of a cafe “I-I...”

“Hey,” Suga moved his hand up to my forearm, squeezed gently. “It’s okay. You did it because you thought you were protecting him. Everyone has been blinded by emotions and had them dictate their actions at some point. You’re not going to beat yourself up about it, you’re going to learn from it and make things right.”

We sat there for a few moments. He rubbed my arm as I reeled in the sniffles.

“Keiji, you’ve never been the kind of person to just let yourself be happy. But look at you. You found something, someone, that brings you joy. I’ve never seen you more confident in your feelings than when you said you loved him. Last night you went back to your bad habits. You shut off that light and pushed Bokuto away when you felt you didn’t deserve him.”

“I wonder whether I deserve him or not all the time.”

Suga flicked the back of my hand. “Shut your mouth. Have you seen the way he looks at you? It’s like he doesn’t even think you’re _real_. You keep putting up your blinders, and if you would just stop for one day, you could see that he loves you back. Couldn’t you sense how he felt when he pleaded with you on the phone?”

“But you’re right,” I dropped my forehead onto our joined hands. “What I did to him was awful. It was so mean. He’s probably sitting there trying to find out what the hell he did wrong to push me to do that.”

“I wouldn’t doubt that,” he agreed. I felt a hand on my head. “So what are you going to do about that? Let him sit there and wonder where it all went wrong? Or,” he guided my firmly upright so I was looking at him, and smiled. “Will you pick your head up, and not give up so easily? You know he’d do the same for you.”

All this time, I pretty much fought all my battles alone, despite the support offered to me by my friends. I never even noticed how much that had changed when Bokuto came along. He never pushed enough to make me uncomfortable, but he was there for me always, taking me by the hand and standing by my side through every adversity.

How had I taken that for granted for so long?

I stared, long and thoughtfully, into my best friend’s warm brown eyes. They were soft and gentle, not wild and flecked with precious metals like the ones I’d fallen in love with. But they both held familiar comfort.

Bokuto fought for me every day, didn’t he. Maybe this wasn’t a gloomy omen from the universe at all, but a reminder that I needed to fight for him too. And god, did I want to.

“I need to apologize,” I sucked in a breath, feeling anxiety flood in. “I need to tell him it’s my fault and that I’m stupid. I’m so stupid,” I raked a hand through my hair. “But we don’t go home until the end of the week and I don’t have a working phone. Am I...” I peeked at him through my fingers, “Am I going to lose my chance?”

Suga stared up at the ceiling, chewing his bottom lip gently. When he looked back to me, he was smiling. “I don’t think Bokuto would allow that. But you need to apologize and tell him everything, and I mean everything, before you can expect him to give it to you.”

“Of course.” It was what he deserved, and I was going to give it to him. I had to make it right. And I really wanted to do it now. ”Koushi, I need your phone. Right now.”

As if on cue, Suga’s phone chirped from the jacket hanging in his chair. It was a different ringtone than usual. Daichi, maybe?

He quickly reached around his seat and silenced the phone. “No!” He quickly said.

I leaned back, surprised by his sudden reaction. “Okay?”

“No,” he laughed, though still jumpy, “No, because I... Don’t want you to lose your focus any more than you already have. You don’t want a bad run do you?”

Any suspicion I had flew out the window after that. I had a panel of judges to wow, a job to do, and even though my heart was heavy, I couldn’t let it hinder my ability tonight.

—--

After sucking down two sugary lukewarm coffees, my body felt ready to clock out. My hands shook in my lap, my steps were jittery, and my eyelids couldn’t choose between twitching and falling closed. Drinking caffeine while I was too tired was officially taking its toll, and I knew I would crash at any moment.

Of course upon realizing this, I didn’t do anything about it. This only pissed Suga off even more than he already was. And whenever Suga got pissed, Oikawa always came trotting alone. With their powers combined, they ratted me out to Coach. I was dragged back to my suite for a power nap.

Once we got to the sports center however, my focus was no longer on them anyway. My headspace only had room for one thing, and that was performance. I was being watched at every angle upon walking in. When skates were on and lights flickered above, they became my rivals, and my internal conflicts dissolved.

A small woman in a collared shirt and a headset greeted me at the athlete entrance. She steered us down a hidden hallway that opened into a brightly lit corridor with high ceilings. The walls were decorated with portraits of Chinese figure skaters from all generations, each accompanied by its own lamp to illuminate the action shots.

She didn’t speak to me until we made it to my room, which I was very grateful for; the only words exchanged the curt “Thank-you” I gave her when she handed me my badge. I stood in front of the door and stared at the plate that displayed my name in a few different languages.

The inside of the room wasn’t too extravagant, aside from the brightly lit white vanity on the wall. There was a small clothing rack next to it to hang costumes on, a small sofa with a coffee table, and a bathroom. I brought my things inside by myself, as I normally did at competitions. Unless Takeda accompanied me, I was on my own until I went out. As large as the pit in my stomach was from it, I was used to it.

I locked the door behind me and hung my costume on the rack. Setting my suitcase and bags down, I threw off my Team Japan jacket, leaving me in a black tank top and sweats from the tracksuit. It was warm in here, unlike outside.

I checked the time on the wall clock- about an hour till free ice. It would be an hour in full solitude for me. Sometimes I wished my friends wouldn’t respect my wishes and would just barge in instead.

I ended up doing most of my warm-up within the space of the dressing room. I stretched, got my ankles awake with some off-ice jumps.

Tonight was the free skate. Each athlete would take tonight to show the purest form of their expression, showcase skills and grace through pure strength. I should have felt strong, pumped up. But when had I ever felt like that before performing anyway?

I felt that way before my short program, before I called Bokuto.

Groaning, I stripped out of my clothes and grabbed my costume, stepping into the silky silver material. I felt weak, laughable. A little bit angry, even. Angry at myself for being such an idiot. Angry at being alone. Angry at my mother for not being here. Angry at everything.

I zipped up the costume, which took longer as I had no help. I turned and looked at myself in the mirror. My hands felt heated in the white gloves and sleeves. The intricate beading of silver and gold that melded into feathers of smoke around my torso felt too beautiful for me. The pitch-black pants of the bottom half were tight on my legs, squeezing my muscles with anticipation.

This was where I belonged. Pain and hurtful memories would never change the fact that this was the path I’d been molded for. But I felt too constricted, too wired.

I carefully pulled the tracksuit over my costume and grabbed my bag. The ice was mine, I was strongest there. I could allow myself to overthink later.

When I unlocked the door and reached for the handle, it was instead yanked open by someone else on the other side. A slender frame bent over to stick his pale face into my personal space. Emerald eyes glittered beneath the hall lights.

I jumped back, nearly banging into the doorframe, and scanned the offender. Once I recognized who it was, I prayed that he forgot how to speak Japanese.

“Akaashi-san!!”

“Haiba-san,” I greeted with a forced smile. “I see you haven’t traded Japanese for Russian just yet.”

“I told you last year to just call me Lev!” He pouted, putting a hand on his hip. “Why would I trade one for the other? I’m both.”

“Please forget I said anything,” I lifted a hand and slipped past him. “But I really need to go now.”

Of course the minute I started walking, he ran to my side. I did my best to back up every time he hunched down to my level.

“Did you see my program this year, Akaashi-san? Did you?”

“Yes, Haiba-san. Your quads are looking very good.”

“Call me Lev! Did you see I put your combination from last year in my short?”

“Yes, I did Haiba-san.”

“Call me Lev!”

I planted my feet on the ground, stopping him just outside of the warm-up zone where other skaters were jumping rope or chatting or doing whatever. Everyone was separated and isolated in their own space.

“ _Lev,”_ I said, veiling my annoyance with curtness. “It is very nice to see you again. But I think it’s time for you to go warm up now.”

“Are you gonna warm up too? You were in the dressing room this whole time! Have you seen Goshiki-san yet? What about Aran-san? Oh, oh! You should come to dinner with Yaku-san and I!”

“There you are, you moron!”

A shorter man in a Russian tracksuit like Lev’s stormed up to us, then delivered a firm jab to the other man’s side.

“Speak of the devil,” I chuckled.

“You think he’s the devil too!?”

“Would you quit sticking your nose in everyone’s business and go warm up already?”

Lev clapped me on the shoulder, probably harder than he intended, and ran off.

Yaku pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m so sorry. I told him not to bother you multiple times.”

“It’s alright, he’s just excited,” I replied, squeezing the strap of my bag. Yaku was one of the more approachable athletes in the field. Easy-going, calm, well put-together. Though as much as I enjoyed his company, I needed to get away. Socializing before a performance was never allowed for me. “It’s nice to see you both again this year. I wish you luck.”

“It’s great to see you too! And by the way, if you’re up to it, the invite for dinner is still open.” When I cringed a little, he added, “Minus Lev.”

“Thank you very much. I’ll get back to you after awards.” It was a lie. I wouldn’t be speaking to anyone after awards. I would either be crying in the shower or getting on the first flight back home, so I could mend the broken pieces I left there. I would prefer to be crying in an airport than a hotel bath.

_“Free ice for Men’s Singles will commence in ten minutes.”_

Two forms of flying color suddenly rushed past me, all but snarling at each other as they went to the ice. The first face I recognized was Goshiki Tsutomu, and I thanked God he didn’t stop and talk to me. All he ever did was glare and give me lip.

The other person, who looked ready to kill him, was the equally snarky Shirabu Kamijirou, representing China. The two athletes were the youngest skaters of the senior division, and when put in the same vicinity, that fact was fairly obvious.

There were familiar faces in the crowd. Tendou Satori of France. Reon Ohira of Italy. I spotted Aran, laughing with a crowd of men in Team USA track suits. I even saw cold and snappy Korai Hoshiumi leaning against the man a vaguely remembered as Hirugami, both in Sweden’s colors.

Every skater was accompanied by someone- Coaches, significant others, parents, friends. Oikawa and Suga were with Coach somewhere, doing their best to respect my wishes of privacy. I hated it.

The announcer opened up the ice just as I laced my last skate. I ignored the subtle competition for dominance in the air as the men took to the ice. From the corner of my eye, I finally caught sight of Coach. Suga had his phone shoved in his face. His face moved frantically as he pointed to the screen and spoke to him. In his hand, Coach held a lanyard with a badge on it and a slip of paper with thin print on it. His eyes were wide, but he nodded in understanding. He shooed Suga off a few moments later.

Writing it off as something I didn’t need to worry about, I stepped into the rink. The moment my blade cut into that ice, my body became electrified.

Cameras flashed and cheers sprang out here and there as I went through my warm-up. The men passed each other casually but kept their gazes forwards. This was the time to zero in, to get your head in the game.

The footwork came easily through muscle memory. I stroked through a few rockers, slow and clean, revisited a simple three-point turn, and of course rehearsed a few spins.

After my allotted time for that was up I was ready for jumps. Coach had warned me not do overdo it in warm-up after seeing me so upset, but being upset usually tended to push me into doing things I wasn’t supposed to. I caught his glare on the sidelines a moment later and cut the triple Toe I was leaning into down to a double.

After another jump, my left boot started to feel too loose around my ankle. Looking down, I discovered a lose lace on the boot. I sighed, waving Coach down as I flew to the wall just in case a screw was coming out.

“I can see it in your face, Akaashi. Don’t do something you’ll regret.” Coach handed me the screwdriver.

I threw my skate over the wall and got to work in the laces, ignoring him. A few girls in the stands screamed and waved Japanese flags behind him.

“Akaashi. You’re not in a good headspace right now, but you can’t let that cloud your judgment.”

“I’m fine,” I insisted. “I just have to forget about him until afterword, and then I can...”

Like a drop of water overtaken by sand in a desert, the words pulled from my tongue, leaving my mouth dry. The girls in the stands only cheered louder as I gaped at them.

The hand I raised to wage at them in hopes to quell the cheers dropped to my side. Each girl was wearing a black hoodie, three golden claw marks going down the side. The one on the right end had her back turned to me as she wrote something on poster board.

His name burned into my mind, and suddenly my world started to cave in.

My boyfriend’s name.

My _ex-_ boyfriend’s name.

Did I even have the right to call him mine anymore?

Of course I didn’t. Some woman who’s prettier, funnier and more outgoing than me had probably already taken Bokuto. It was agonizing to think about, but I wasn’t worthy of being his anyway.

“Akaashi!”

Fingers snapped in my face until I could rip my gaze away from the girls. Coach looked me right in the eyes and placed his hands on my shoulders.

“No. Get them out of your head. Take deep breaths with me, okay?”

“I can’t—He’s—why did I—“

“He doesn’t exist right now. Those girls up there? They don’t exist either. Right now it’s you and me. Just you and me.”

“I’m not ready—“

“You _are_ ready. You’re ready and you’re going to do your best tonight.”

_“_ _Free ice will be ending in two minutes.”_

Uncontrollable panic lit up my nerves. I yanked my leg off the wall, forgetting the loose screw and dropping the tool. Coach called to me before I could go much farther and lead me off the ice.

Cheers and booming music could be heard on the other side of the wall as I stood in the waiting room with Coach. From the glimpses I saw, Suga and Aran had skated beautifully. France’s infamous Tendou had entranced the crowd with his creepy contemporary once again. For the past thirty minutes or so I stopped watching, uneasy and uninterested with skaters I didn’t know.

The door flew open, letting a stream of cheers into the room before it shut and sucked them back out to the rink. In came Goshiki, and I swear I saw steam coming out of his ears. He looked livid. A wet mark covered the side of one of his thighs. He must’ve fallen during his run.

Goshiki thundered through the waiting room. My eyes must have lingered on him for too long, because he stopped in front of me, eyes dark.

“Do you have something to say?”

“No, sir,” I replied coolly.

Before he could bare his teeth, an older man with a Coach’s badge put a hand on his shoulder and escorted him away.

The short interaction didn’t do anything to make me feel any better. If anything, it only stirred me up more. What time was it? How much longer did I have?

Other questions began to flood in as well, ones that weren’t relevant to skating: Where was Bokuto right now? Is he watching me? Is he cheering me on? Is he with someone else right now?

He probably was. I wasn’t there for him like I should have been.

I glanced up at the monitor that broadcasted live feed of the ice. The camera panned out as Oikawa smiled brilliantly at the crowd. He blew a few kisses to the camera.

Oh, no. No. Was it already so close to my time? I ran through the program order as fast as I could. There was only one skater between Oikawa and me, one from China I did not know. I had no other time to think as Coach took us out of the room.

All I felt was fear when we got to the entrance. Coach took my tracksuit from me in one hand, my guards in the other. I rolled out my shoulders, jumped up and down, but nothing I did calmed me down.

I peered down at his coat pocket. In it was that slip of paper again, though I couldn’t read it due to the badge blocking it. Squinting down at the laminated tag, I found myself puzzled at the name: Aiko Fujiwara.

Aiko was a famous female Japanese skater. She was my idol as a child- hell, she still is. But she’s been retired for around twenty years now. Why did Coach have an extra pass, and with _her_ name on it?

“How is your body feeling?” Coach asked, pulling me from my thoughts.

“Like it’s on fire.”

“Good,” he smiled. I could tell he was trying to hype me up, get me in a better mood. “You’re on any minute now. Now get ready to show those judges something they haven’t seen all night.” He let me take one last sip from my water bottle before pulling me into a hug.

_“Please welcome our final skater in the Men’s Singles: Representing Japan, Akaashi Keiji!”_

“Ready?” Coach scanned my face for any sort of discomfort.

I pulled away, and tried not to let the voices bury me. “I guess so.”

I turned away, masked my apprehension with a smile, and took off at full speed on the ice to greet the crowd. I took a few laps around the rink before going to my opening pose as the announcer stated the music for my program.

My blood was pounding so hard in my ears I almost missed it. The music trickled in through the speakers, gentle cascades of piano notes like snow carried over a river. Once the melody was in my ears I started feeling more immersed, but a piece of my heart was still somewhere else. With someone else.

I breathed in, letting my body carry the motion as I opened my arms. I allowed the muscle memory of my choreography command me.

The movements were as precise and graceful as I had practiced them to be, but something felt different.

The piano struck a high note, creating a half a second of silence. Everything came in slow motion then. I leaned in and took off, snapping my body into the first jump.

The half a second felt like a small eternity. Something flashed in my memory.

It was a calm, quiet Saturday night, one of my usual weekends where I locked myself in the rink after hours to practice. But this night, I wasn’t alone. It was the night Bokuto very eagerly agreed to accompany me. I remembered his eyes growing to the size of saucers as he watched me take off. He leaned so far over the wall that I thought he would fall into the ice.

He was watching me in unfiltered amazement.

My skate hit the ice with the shock like lightning, and the piano pounded out a low, soul-shaking chord. The audience erupted in cheers after the clean execution.

I wondered just how loud I could make them. Just how much I could pump them up. Something had pierced through the dread that was hanging over me just then. The music filled me with the adrenaline I was lacking. The memory breathed life into me.

The next steps of my choreo seeped into my bones and I became it. Every time I passed a wall, I didn’t see the seats full of people. I saw the empty seats of the rink back home, blanketed in shadow. I didn’t see the few people standing at the walls. Instead I saw Bokuto on that night again. His hands gripped the wood until they went white. His mouth was agape, and his eyes welled with pride and mesmerizing color. I imagined I was casting a spell on him all over again.

The sweeter, lyrical movements felt like they were coming from the palm of his hand. They were fueled by the memories I couldn’t let go of. Didn’t want to let go of.

I dug deep into the ice. I remembered the sound of his snorting when he got ice cream all over our faces one night.

I flew off the ice with my arms above my head. I remembered the way his chest rose and fell beneath my ear after he passed out from a hard practice.

And as I landed the jump, more perfect than I had ever done before, I felt my heart pound in another country, in his hands, and it felt like it belonged there.

The music grew with my movement, strings behind with the piano’s surging runs.

I flew into a camel spin. More roaring cheers.

This program was written for me before I found happiness. It was still emotional, that I would never sacrifice. But tonight this program became something new.

A perfect Triple Loop. The music trickled down until all that was left was the gentle strike of the piano keys. I opened my arms to the crowd, sank down to a lunge, and soared on the ice.

_Yes, this is perfect._

I began the turn for the Triple Axel. I had to change direction since the jump took off from a forward edge. The takeoff was flawless; I could feel how good the height was.

And then something shifted in my boot. It was easy to feel through the shoe the lace was came undone.

I envisioned it before it happened. But the movement in the air was just too fast, too risky to do anything about it. My skate connected with the ice. The disregarded screw and lace gave way, and so did my ankle.

The fall hurt worse than any of the bad ones I’d taken in practice. My leg crumbled beneath me as I nearly spun out of control.

Touching your hand down to the ice after taking a fall typically took points off, but it took less off than not getting up at all.

_“He got in all of the rotations, but that was a really hard fall!”_

Indeed it was. Pain screamed up my leg. But even so I kept going, bit my tongue to hold it in.

It was the price I paid for not hitting the jumps in warm-ups. My boot was getting loose. I curled my foot hard and channeled as much control as possible as I neared the end of the program.

The burn of eyes on me was intense now. Not only was I the final skater, I was also performing the most intense free program of tonight’s Men’s singles with a malfunctioning boot. This really wasn’t supposed to be possible, and I could feel them prying for more.

_Keep watching me._

I stormed through the rest of the program. My brain felt like it was shooting sparks with how hard I was focusing. I let the adrenaline-inducing push of the music push me onward.

Jump after jump, combination after combination, I was too excited to feel tired.

_“He’s approaching his final jump, a Quadruple Flip, and is showing no sign of fatigue! But will he be able to do this safely right now?”_

The answer to that was obviously no, but I was always one to prove people wrong. Sweat streamed down my face and stung my eyes.

My blades hissed on the ice.

_“Here it is! Beautiful takeoff--Oh, he fell!”_

Ice burned my lungs and beneath my palm, but only for a second. It did not matter, I got every rotation.

I entered the final spin, though I moved it to my other leg as not to further injure myself. Slowly, the momentum eased away from me, swept my arms out, and placed a palm to my chest in the final pose.

For a long moment, there was silence. No one spoke, or move. I squeezed my eyes shut.

Someone started to clap. Then another. Then another, more and more, they swiftly joined in until I couldn’t hear my own breathing.

Gold would not be mine tonight, this much I knew. But for once I did not care.

I threw my arms up and took a deep bow to the crowd, turning each time to face everyone equally. Lastly I face the ice’s exit, where Coach was waiting, to see if I got his approval.

Coach was not waiting there.

Someone was in his place that I almost didn’t recognize for a second. He wore black gloves on his hands, a dress shirt and tie under a thick winter coat.

There was a lanyard around his neck, and his hair perched on his head in thick, almost wavy pieces of black and white. I could barely see without my glasses, but I could make out the suit case at his side.

He waved at me with both arms high above his head until I finally looked at his face. Flushed cheeks, fluffy brows shading sparkling eyes.

He cupped his hands over his mouth, and yelled.

“AKAASHIII!”

Screw the crowd. Screw the judges watching my every move. Was that really him, or was my mind playing a trick on me?

Only one way to find out.

I sprinted across the ice as fast as my compromised boot allowed me to. And when I was close enough I jumped with all my might.

I flew over the threshold straight into Bokuto’s open arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how did he get there? why is he there? doesn't he have professional athlete things to do back home?
> 
> so many questions, so many answers i do not have. but yes, i can confirm that little shit wiggled his way out of hockey stuff to be there. 
> 
> im (not) sorry for how cheesy that ending was
> 
> thank you for reading! drop a kudos and maybe even a comment on your way out. i love hearing what you have to say, and i enjoy replying as much as i can :)
> 
> PS im so sorry if this chapter was bad it was kind of rushed and my head is all over the place. next few chapters will be good n fluffy. on the bright side, we’ll see akaashi meet bokutos little brother soon, and we’ll find out a little more about him!!


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOHOOOOOO! AN ON-TIME UPDATE!!!! ARE YOU PROUD OF ME?!?!?!?!
> 
> WOW LOL THIS HAS 9K HITS NOW I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT KLFHV NREKHJACIHFEEHC THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!  
> please enjoy this very fluffy chapter. the beginning is a little rough, but i promised you all it would get better!!! i hope everyone in the areas affected by the hurricanes/storms is safe and warm. i love the rain, and hate big storms:(((
> 
> hope y'all enjoy this chapter. this will probably be the first (and only) bokuaka interaction in a hospital that doesn't result in...y'know
> 
> (im so sorry)

As my face connected with Bokuto's chest, my legs flew up into the air behind me. The impact from our bodies crashing together brought us down to the carpeted floor underfoot. "Akaashi, geez," he wheezed, propping himself up on his elbow. He was flat on his back now, free arm slowly releasing my head after trying to protect me from the fall. "I know you're a strong guy, but holy shit _are you okay?"_

I buried my nose into the warmth of his neck. He smelled like the airport and fresh Chinese donuts on a cold night. My hands searched desperately for a part of him to hold. My palms came to rest on Bokuto's cheeks, my icy fingers shaking against the skin. "You're here," was all I could say. “I don't understand. You're really here."

"Well Akaashi, if you think I'd let you go that easily," he put his hand over mine on his cheek, "You're dead wrong."

"I-- Oh my god, I can't believe this," I blurted out. Trying to scramble to my feet, a sharp pain stabbed in my left foot. I yelped and flopped back down onto him when my muscles refused to move me. Were the lights in here always this bright? Colors were blurring everywhere and my head swam. It was like his presence beneath me was a hallucination, and I couldn't differentiate between reality and imagination. "When did you get here? _How_ did you even get into the center?" I tried to lift myself up again, but Bokuto pulled me back down. My hand slipped off his face and down his chest. Something ensnared my fingers against his shirt. I looked down, and discovered a lanyard and badge around his neck.

"That doesn't matter right now," a hand steadied my bobbling head. "You fell really hard out there. Are you okay?"

His questions went in one ear and out the other. I was too focused on latching onto him, feeling his physical presence and trying to take in the fact that I was actually touching him. As my hands fluttered up and down his sides, I continued to mumble incoherent questions.

"You're hurt," he ignored me, eyes glaring in concentration at my left foot. The boot was barely hanging off my foot now. The swelling of my ankle was obvious beneath my tights. Bokuto jumped up, leaving me on the floor at his feet before scooping me up into his arms. "Did you have any idea your screw was coming out?" He scanned my body up and down, worry painting his features. My foot dangled uselessly as he held me. "Someone call medical staff!"

"Over here!" 

Bokuto's head snapped up to where the voices came from. Three people were sifting their way to us, dressed in Paramedic uniforms. Coach was at Bokuto's side not even a second later. He looked to the Paramedics, and then down at me. "Akaashi! Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," I insisted, wriggling slightly in Bokuto's arms. "I've had worse falls."

"I don't think so Akaashi," the older man walked around to my other side. Despite how gently he removed the boot from my foot, the area throbbed. I bit back a groan. "You can't feel it because of the adrenaline right now, but you’re not fine."

"It's a sprain." Coach and I turned our heads to look at Bokuto, who was craning his neck to get a better look at my foot. He shifted his arms beneath me, securing me tighter against him. "It's a sprain," he repeated, "he needs treatment now, or he'll be in a lot of pain later."

Coach's brows drew together as he studied Bokuto, but he kept his lips sealed.

Bitter fear coated my tongue and throat. The Paramedics were among us now. One of the men held a box of equipment, while the other two rushed over to Bokuto. I only realized what was happening after I got handed to the two other Paramedics. "Wait," I tried to shrug my arms off of their shoulders, but they prevented me from moving and putting any weight on my foot. I looked at Bokuto, his complexion scrunched apologetically. "Please don't leave yet, Bokuto. I need to talk to you, I'm sorry-"

The words were pulled from my tongue when Bokuto's lips fell upon mine. They were only there for a second, a ghost of a touch that held overwhelming sincerity. I reached for him. His black glove met the vibrant white one of my costume. The heat of his skin felt like the first lightning bolt of the rainy season. "Trust me, I know you've got a lot to say, and I'm gonna listen to every word. But right now you're hurt. I can't get in the way."

"B-but you're not in the way! You're never in the way. Just please don't leave yet. Please."

He squeezed my hand, strong and tight, before looping my arm back around the Paramedic’s neck. "I'll be waiting for you after you're all patched up. I ran all this way to get to you, I won't be so easy to get rid of now."

My breath trembled between my lips. In a hoarse voice I asked him, "Promise?"

Bokuto looked to Coach. The elder man nodded, silently removing something from his pocket and handing it to him. Bokuto sank down to one knee. He wiped the skate I still wore dry, and slipped the guard onto the blade. When it was secure he removed the skate it and tucked the black leather boot under his arm. Even after he stood back up, the feeling of his fingers against my legs lingered on my skin. "I promise, Akaashi."

"You've caught yourself quite the persistent one," Coach said from beside Bokuto. He crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head at him, "You've got some nerve, Bokuto-san, barging into my student's performance with barely a night's notice. I told him he wasn't allowed to come at first because I figured he'd distract you, but then he got Sugawara and Oikawa involved. All three of them made sure I didn't have a minute of peace until I agreed."

"I have my ways," Bokuto shrugged with a smile. "And I wasn't going to give up without a fight."

Coach chuckled, he sounded tired. "Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." He turned to me then. "We'll take care of your things here. You have to go."

The Paramedics holding me started walking, but I dug my good heel into the ground to stop them. "Wait! I can't leave yet."

Bokuto gave me a puzzled look, but Coach only rolled his eyes. "You can afford to wait just this once." From where we were standing, I could see the area blocked off by velvet ropes that was the kiss-and-cry. That's where I should have been right now, a camera in my face and flowers in my arms as anticipation wound me up.

Just how well, or how bad, did I do? 

I lunged to protest, to beg for just a few more minutes, but this time it was Bokuto who spoke up.

"Akaashi. We understand how important this is to you, and how badly you want to know. But just this once, you have to let go of your score and take care of yourself."

"I can't wait," I argued, feeling myself grow frustrated, "I need to know-"

"No, Akaashi, you don't need to know. What you need is to get your injury treated so you don't hurt yourself any further." Bokuto locked his gaze on me, and it held the intensity of pure sunlight. His body language was as firm as his tone, and I realized that he had no intention of backing down. I'd never seen him this intense before. "Forget the damn number and go. You'll be alright."

I knew he wasn't trying to be mean, but seeing him so stern was almost out of character. When Bokuto cared about someone, he _cared._ And he would do anything for them. Even if that meant not sugar-coating things. I lowered my head slightly and stared at the ground as the Paramedics carted me off. 

\---

Words could not describe how much I hated hospitals. The walls were too white, too bare and too suffocating. The scent stung every time I breathed in. As I sat alone in the room, my left leg elevated and wrapped up, I wondered how my dad endured this environment every day leading up to his death.

I fell twice tonight in my run. The impact was on replay in my head, though the only thing that convinced me it really happened was the throb in my ankle. The last time I'd fallen while performing was years ago when I was blinded with grief. Shame lapped against my body like waves in a pool. I tried to fathom the messages from my mother, lost on a broken phone. 

Tonight, I failed her. 

Her son did not fall. Her son did not mess up. Her son did not go home without a title. Her son did not have skate malfunctions. Her son did not limp off the ice into somebody's arms. 

With no phone, I didn't have the means to get online. No internet, no live updates. No live updates, no score. I shifted my weight on the bed as best I could. After a few minutes, I shifted again. When that didn't work I opted to start counting the tiles on the ceiling. 

My eyes found the clock. Barely five minutes had passed. 

The silence was driving me mad. Not knowing my score was driving me mad. Knowing that Bokuto was here and I wasn't begging for forgiveness right now was driving me mad. Just what is going on in his head right now?

He had come all this way for me. I dragged my fingers over my lips, remembering the chapped skin that mine almost an hour ago. If he flew to another country and kissed me, that meant I hadn't ruined things entirely yet, right? Or was he just trying to soften the blow before he told me he didn't want anything to do with me anymore?

Ripping the sheets off my body, I grabbed a pillow and screamed into it. Now that the adrenaline high had faded, my nerves were working properly again, and I was _really_ feeling just how hard I fell. It was only a sprain luckily, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt. Coach had requested a nurse be put outside my room to make sure I didn't get any ideas and stroll out, so I was trapped in this room. I settled on a magazine on the bedside table for entertainment. I couldn't read Chinese so there wasn't much to do besides look at pictures, but it was better than the ceiling again.

All I could do now was sit, wait, and pray that Bokuto was still coming to me. 

When the door finally clicked open, it was almost midnight. It was already pretty late when I went on tonight; that's what came with performing last at most competitions. I rubbed away what little grogginess my body was clinging to and sat up. My ankle hurt too much to let me focus on anything else, let alone sleep. 

Coach came into the room. He closed the door behind him and sat at the chair next to my bed, and that was when I realized he had come alone. 

"Don't worry," he said, reading my thoughts, "He'll be coming soon. I gave him your room key so he could take your stuff back to the hotel, hope you don't mind. I wanted to come and check on you before he got here." The old man shifted in his seat, pulled a slip of paper out of his pocket. I all but lunged out of the bed for it, but he blocked me with his arm. "I figured you'd want to know, but I wanted to talk to you first."

I reluctantly backed down. Pulling my good leg up to my chest, I rested my chin on my knee, "Okay."

"Too tired to argue, I see," he laughed. Something about Coach tonight looked...gentler. The hardened lines of his face were more smoothed out. His eyes didn't look so angry.

Curious, I asked, "What do you think of him?"

"What do I think of whom?" The end of his thin brow cocked up.

"Of Bokuto-san. You met him tonight for the first time, and I want to know what you think."

Before Coach spoke, he looked at me. The corners of his mouth hinted the smallest smile. "He is a very good boy. Passionate, and _very_ persuasive." He nodded, like he was thinking to himself. "Just from the way he spoke about you to me, I could tell he was ready to do whatever it took to get to you tonight. I'm pretty sure even if I didn't approve, he would've came anyway," he laughed softly. "I like him. You've found a good one."

"I did." My head was still floating in limbo right now. Yes, I found a very good one. Had I lost him now?

"Akaashi," Coach called, bringing me out of my thoughts. "When I first started coaching you, I thought you looked older than my other students, though you were in the same age group. Always so serious."

"I am serious," I said, not really sure where this was going. "I'm very serious about what I do. That much is obvious about me." However, it didn't answer why he said I appeared older.

"Yes it is," he sighed, "But this is another matter. Do you have any guess as to why you looked older?"

"No, Coach."

"I didn't think you would. You go into your own world when you skate. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but for you, it has become one to an extent. You appeared older to me not only because of your maturity and skill, but more so because you are always worrying."

My hands tightened on the sheets. How exactly was this relevant? "I have more important things to think about than that," my eyes fell to the paper, "Like my score."

"There you go again, worrying." Coach chided. He let out a long sigh before rising from his seat and approaching the bedside. "You may not realize it, but you completely alter your self-image when you overthink everything. I need you to do something for me when you come home."

"Okay," I sat up straight, "What is it?"

"Forget about your run tonight. Give it a watch. Seeing your mistakes will hurt. I don't want you to take it to heart. Try all you want, but you can never control everything that happens to you." He leaned forward and set the paper down on the bedside table. "One bad night does not define you." 

"My actions define me."

The old man moved wordlessly to the door. He touched the handle, but looked back at me over his shoulder. "Do they now?"

"Of course they do."

"Such an old way of thinking some of you athletes have," he chuckled, though I wasn't sure he was talking to me. "The words we say and the things we do are only half of it. The other is how we choose to progress after we've made a mistake." He opened the door slowly, but only a crack. "Feel better, Akaashi. See you tomorrow morning."

"Thank you, Coach," I answered, though by the time I got the words out, Coach had exited the room and the door was opening for someone else.

Bokuto happily greeted the older man before closing the door behind him. "Akaashi, you should've seen it outside!" he shrugged his coat off, tossing it to a nearby chair. Flecks of white fell from his hair as he shook off a few more layers. When he was only left in his button-up, I finally met his eyes. He smiled and stepped toward the bedside. "It's snowing."

Tears welled up in my eyes, making him blur into a mash of colors in front of me. After all this time apart he was finally near again. Not seeing him for over a week combined with that awful night on the phone drove me to my breaking point. I held it in all day. A good cry was well-deserved.

"Please don't cry," Bokuto said gently, leaning a knee onto the mattress. He lifted the corner of the sheet and looked to me for approval, "May I join you?"

"If you don't get in this bed right now, I'm going to die."

"We can't have that, can we?" Bokuto kicked his shoes off. He was barely seated when I flung my arms around his middle. I pressed my forehead hard into his sternum. "Watch where you're moving. You're gonna hurt your leg."

"I don't care," I mumbled into his shirt. 

"Yeah, but I do. Lay back down." I almost didn't do as he said, but eventually I gave in. Once my back was against the pillows Bokuto rolled into my side. His arms wrapped around me while he rested his cheek on my shoulder. "I've missed you so much." He cooed gentle words of comfort into my neck while the soft whimpers made my shoulders tremble. "You looked so beautiful out there, Akaashi. I'm really happy I got to see you in action. Not the part where you got hurt of course, but you know what I mean."

We sat together like this for a long time, and I could barely control the emotions coursing through me. Bokuto didn't care how much I wept and blabbed. He kissed my hair, rubbed my arms, and held me tight.

The clock struck another late hour when my vocal chords felt relaxed enough to talk. Bokuto eyed me with concern but did not object when I slowly pushed him off of me. I wanted to sit up and look him in the eye for this. "I have some things I need to say to you. A lot of things," I began, staring at my lap. "I hope you'll still listen and give me a chance, Bokuto-san, even though I probably don't deserve you or your time."

"Akaashi. Oh, Akaashi." Bokuto pulled my hands out of my lap, bringing them to his lips. "You don't get to decide that," he pressed a kiss to my fingertip. "You do get to know your worth though. And you," another kiss to my fingers, "will always," a kiss to my palm, "Be worthy of love."

I curled my fingers, creating the perfect space for Bokuto to rest his chin in. "You really feel that strongly for someone like me?"

Bokuto stared up at me. "For someone as intelligent as you, you really like to go in circles. I flew out here without a second thought. I didn't even pack a bag so I'd get here faster. I really hope that answers your question."

"You _what?"_

"Hey, hey, don't get mad at me!" Bokuto dropped his chin to my thigh and jutted out his bottom lip in a pout. "I had no choice if I wanted to arrive before tomorrow."

My heart clenched in my chest. Not once could I spend time with this man without becoming overwhelmed with my feelings for him. "I still can't believe you're really here. You have to be exhausted," I ran a hand over his hair, smoothing out the loose locks on top of his head. He appeared tired without his spikes. I took a deep breath just in case my voice still wanted to crack. "I'm so sorry, Bokuto. The things I did to you were horrible, and you didn't deserve to endure them." As I spoke, the hockey player slowly lifted his head from my lap. 

Tension caught in my throat. Bokuto's hands rubbed up and down my arms until I could speak again. It was encouraging to feel the touch. It let me know that yes, he did care, and that he would hear me out. 

"The night I called you was already an awful night for me, but that is no excuse for what I did."

"Can you tell me why it was awful?"

"When I was leaving the Sports Center after my short program that night, I ran into a bunch of reporters. I don't really do well with groups of loud people, and there was nowhere for me to slip out. They were asking so many questions, but one of them caught me by surprise and I... I just couldn't control my thoughts. I assumed the worst out of every 'what-if' that came to mind after that."

"What did they ask you?" Bokuto's words and questions were gentle, giving me the room to refuse if I wanted to. I was grateful that he didn't say much; it allowed me to express my feelings to him thoughtfully.

"They asked me what my relationship with you was."

"Do you feel embarrassed to be in a public relationship with me?" I could sense how carefully he was tip-toeing over his words. But he had his insecurities too, and deserved the validation.

I cupped his cheek, rubbing my thumb over the defined bones, "No. I never have, and I never will be ashamed of you," I felt my tone grow firm, and I hoped he could feel the truth in these words. "I'm so lucky to have you as a part of my life, Bokuto. I've woken up every morning for these past few months overjoyed that you're by my side." I dropped my hand from his face, my gaze following it downward. "I didn't feel uneasy because of that. I was scared that if I confirmed or denied anything between us, it would hurt you. Later when I got to my hotel, I looked your name up online."

Bokuto's brows immediately furrowed, teeth latching onto his lower lip. "You saw the article about the accident."

"I did, but before you say anything, I want you to know that I didn't read it. I didn't even open the link."

Big eyes blinked at me, "You didn't?"

"Nope," I shook my head. "I felt like reading it was an invasion of your privacy. If you want me to know what happened, I want to hear it from you. Not some news outlet." His face relaxed at that. "It's not their story to tell. Frankly, the existence of that article made me sick."

He laughed dryly, "You and me both." The athlete studied my face for a long moment. "You saw something else that upset you?"

"One of the reporters yelled a homophobic slur at me before I left." Golden eyes sparked, though I pressed a hand to his chest. "It's okay. I ignored him and moved on."

"It's not okay," he growled, and for a moment I almost pulled my hand away. How could such a sweet guy look so... threatening? I didn't like the way his face tightened as he held back his anger. "You get his name? Face?"

"Absolutely not," I gave him a pleading look. "Look, we can discuss that later. It's not important. Please?"

He glared down at his hands one last time before his face melted into a more neutral expression. Something told me he wasn't going to forget that bit. "I'm sorry for interrupting you. Please keep going."

I assured him it was okay and gave his knee a squeeze. "Anyways, that happened, and it's sort of what drove me to go looking on the internet in the first place. I wasn't surprised by what I found when I looked you up. You're amazing, Bokuto, and I truly mean that. People all over admire you." My hand paused, fell from his leg. "You're just... the greatest guy in the world. I didn't want to make the world see you in a different light." 

Bokuto leaned in a little bit. This time, he was struggling to read what was going on. "I don't understand," he confirmed. "What do you mean, 'see me in a different light?'"

"The reason I didn't answer the reporters was because I was scared. I think you know just how blessed the both of us are with the friends we have. But not everyone is as open-minded as they are. I had no way of knowing that the press wouldn’t take whatever I said and weave some rumor about you out of it."

"You mean rumors that I'm gay, and dating a guy."

"Yes." I couldn't even meet his eyes now. "Looking at all those articles on you reminded me of how wonderful you are. Your career is your passion. I was scared that if something like that got out then you... would lose everything. Everything you worked so hard to achieve would be gone in an instant, and it would be all my fault." I bit down on my cheek on the last word to keep the pitiful noises in check. "I imagined you finding out and hating me, and I just couldn't bear the thought."  
  


“Akaashi...” Bokuto’s broken voice struck a chord deep in my heart.

Teardrops stained the sheets beneath me. "I didn't want to bring you any pain. The scenarios going on in my head took over my judgment. I broke up with you later that night while my feelings were spiraling out of control. Before I could think about what I'd done, my phone was already broken, and I was convinced that you never wanted to see me again."

Thick, heavy silence coated the air between us. Neither of us spoke for a long time; I watched Bokuto's eyes as he took in the information I just told him. His lack of speech could mean one of many things my brain managed to conjure up, and many of the possibilities terrified me.

My shoulders slumped forward, curling me into myself. I looked up at him in shame. "There were several articles on you and me when I was looking. I believed if I broke it off with you now, it would hurt you less in the future. Now I've really hurt you, and I feel like the biggest idiot ever. I'm sorry. I know those two words don't take back what I've done, but I mean it with every fiber of my being."

The older man let out a smile sigh. He hooked his fingers beneath my chin. "You made an impulsive decision that night," he guided my head back, until he could look me in the face. A strong hand held me there, only firmly enough to make sure I didn't avoid his gaze again. "I don't like to lie about my feelings, Akaashi. You really scared me that night. I thought I did something to upset you, and I could barely get out of bed trying to figure out what it was. My feelings were hurt."

I promptly curled away from his touch, subconsciously waiting for the blow. I imagined the words twisting his lips: _"I don't want you anymore."_

"I forgive you."

Time froze between us for a moment, and all movement in my body seized. I looked up, and Bokuto was smiling down at me.

"Dealing with the things you did, all by yourself at that, is hard. You are not an emotionless machine, and I don't expect you to be one. It's all gonna be okay," Bokuto leaned in, pressing an affectionate kiss between my brows.  
  


“Still, I’m sorry Bokuto. I never want to make you feel that way again.”

"Every couple experiences some sort of conflict at one time or another. I can't begin to imagine how terrified you were. But next time, please don't run away from me. Come to me when you feel this way and we can work at it together. What a reporter has to say about me will never take away my passion for hockey, and it most certainly won't take away my love for you. I've got my friends, my family, a sport I enjoy, and an incredible boyfriend. Who cares if someone calls me a faggot on Twitter?"

My eyes snapped up to his. I gaped at him for a sold fifteen second before we both exploded with laughter. The taller man shoved his head into my lap to quell his giggles while I lightly pounded my fists on his back. I could be carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and Bokuto would find a way to make me feel lighter than air. 

"Oh god," I heaved, wiping the mix of happy and sad tears from my eyes, "I cannot believe you just said that."

"Aww c'mon, so what? I'm a massive, raging gay and I'm dating the most awesome guy ever, who is literally a male figure skater. I _am_ the rainbow Akaashi. Get used to it."

"Stop, stop!" I wheezed, swatting him playfully. My sides ached from the laughter that rocked me. "Ugh, I can't breathe. I love you so much."

Bokuto snapped up like he was struck by lightning, and only then did my brain catch up with my words. The sound of my hand smacking over my mouth echoed in the hospital room. Through my fingers, I saw a pair of golden eyes go just as wide as mine. 

"I-I'm sorry," I quickly blurted out, "I shouldn't...have...Bokuto?"

"Yeah?" he said, voice audibly strained. 

"You're crying." 

He lifted a hand up to his face. I watched him wipe a tear away from his flushed cheek and inspect it on the pad of his finger. "Yeah," his mouth fell into a shaky grin, "I am."

"Should...should I not have said that?"

The other man crawled over my legs, careful to avoid my hurt foot. When our mouths met I nearly started to bawl all over again. I sighed into the kiss and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him into the biggest embrace I could give while lying in bed. Warm hands soothed the ache in my bones with every touch.

We parted reluctantly only when our lungs burned for air. "I'm a little mad," he breathed, resting his forehead on mine, "I really wanted to say it first. But I think hearing you say it first made me even happier." Bokuto's body settled between my legs. He put his cheek over my heart, which was racing out of control, and wrapped his arms around me. I felt that missing piece of my heart burn brightly in the man lying on top of me. "I love you too Akaashi. I love you, I love you, I love you so much.” He buried his face into my thin hospital gown. “I’ve never loved someone like I love you.”

Back and forth we went, a giddy exchange of three words at a time, each accompanied with caresses and tender kisses.

"Hey, Bokuto?" I said after a long minute.

"Yes?"

"You didn't happen to book a hotel before you came, did you?" I felt my cheeks go slightly red. I never failed to fluster around Bokuto. “If you didn’t, you could come stay with me. O-only if you want to, of course.”

He grinned. "I didn't even pack underwear!"

"Bokuto, please don't tell me you actually did not pack a bag before you left."

He lifted his head to stare at me blankly, as if to say, "Why would I say that if it wasn't true?"

"I fully accept whatever punishment you choose," he grinned, “But yes. I would love to stay with you.”

"You better. Once I'm out of this place I'm taking you shopping."

"I'm taking you shopping too then!"

"You already bought a plane ticket; you're not spending a dime on me. I was already planning on spoiling you when I got home as a late birthday gift." I paused, "Speaking of paying for tickets, how did you snag a VIP badge during the Cup of China? People are always complaining about how fast they sell out, and they're not cheap."

I glared daggers at him, but Bokuto only laughed and dismissed me with a wave. "I have my ways. You've got nothing to worry about. You don't even know for sure if it was VIP badge."

"They wouldn't have let you near the ice if you weren't, and I sincerely doubt that you snuck in."

We spent sharing stories of my crazy week (and his crazy day) in China. In the morning, we woke up with tangled limbs in a hospital bed much too small for us. The doctor checked my ankle one last time before announcing I was free to go. We were out of that hospital in a blink of an eye. Our stomachs were growling, and Bokuto insisted on taking us to get absurdly spicy hotpot in celebration. 

The slip of paper holding my final score found its way to the trash before we left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah, yes, the age old debate:
> 
> do i allow half of next chapter to be suga, oikawa, bokuto and akaashi fucking around in china? if you guys wouldn't be opposed, that could be arranged:)))
> 
> anyways, i hope this chapter makes up for the last one (and the one before.) love is hard, but writing it is harder. 
> 
> drop a kudos&comment on your way out! tell me anything-what you liked, what you didn't like, what you had for breakfast, anything! i love responding to them. thank you all!! i love you!!!


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi all. back with another early update bc my weekend is absurdly packed with rehearsals:)
> 
> this chapter was kinda just a "fuck the story, im doing whatever i want" sort of chapter, and it does start with a little smut so here's ur warning. in the next chapter everyone's reuniting with the hockey boys. i hope everyone is excited for akaashi to meet bokuto's little brother and mom!! hehe
> 
> speaking of moms, and next chapter....
> 
> dont worry...yet.
> 
> happy reading!!
> 
> i hope everyone gets to sleep in and relax this weekend bc i sure as hell can't. being a musician is haaaaaard y'all!!

The next morning, my body woke me up painfully early, although it wasn’t so bad this time around. The large bed in the hotel room didn’t feel so lonely now.

I stretched out my limbs. Shifting as quietly as possible I eased my back against the headboard. I typically disliked sleeping on my back, but it was the only way to keep my sprain safe.

Bokuto, his arms still secured around me in sleep, stirred next to me and I froze. He mumbled something incoherent and shifted closer to me.

Dear god, why did he have to make my heart burst like a water balloon all the time? Strands of hair cast delicate shadows over his eyes as he snored away, lips slightly parted. It had been weeks since I last woke up beside him.

Bokuto looked so beautiful in his sleep, a picture I carried around in my mind every day. When he was awake, his entire being was always bursting with energy, ready to take on anything and everything with a smile. But as he slept in my arms, the sharpness of his features seemed to subdue. He just looked so... at peace.

Soft hair untangled at the gentle rake of my fingers. I could admire him just like this, his unclothed form streaked with cozy morning sun beams, forever. Tracing the curve of his collarbones with my fingers, I kissed his forehead.

His brows drew together beneath my lips; I watched his eyes flutter open. Bokuto took my face in of his hands. After a long, sleepy kiss, he bumped our noses together. “Good morning,” he smiled. I think his sleepy smiles are my favorite.

“Good morning,” I brushed his hair from his eyes and giggled as he covered my face in kisses.

Just what was going on behind those gorgeous eyes? I wanted to dive into those pools of honey, take a walk down the winding paths of his mind. With his boundless energy and heart of gold, I grew more curious every day. I wanted to know everything about the man beside me. Small gestures, foods, or anything I’d yet to discover he liked, I couldn’t wait to learn about them all.

Bokuto groaned, squeezing me tighter and shoving his face into my neck. Today was our last day in China; we had to be up in a few hours to meet Suga and Oikawa.

Bokuto however, had no intention of letting me go or getting out of bed. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss cuddling up with him as well. After this week we both needed one another.

I laughed, his lashes tickling my skin, “What’s wrong?”

“Absolutely nothing,” was his reply. “You just look so beautiful in the mornings. You drive me crazy.”

My cheeks burned hot. I looped an arm around his shoulders, tangling my fingers in his hair. “I could say the same for you.” He shivered slightly, and then relaxed at my touch.

“I love you.”

I paused at the sudden declaration, surprised, but not unwelcoming to it. Before I could say anything back Bokuto rolled onto his stomach. He braced his weight on his hands, sitting up to look me head-on.

“I love you, Akaashi.”

He stared at me, and I could feel the innocent anticipation for my answer. Was that uneasiness on his complexion real, or was I imagining things?

“I love you too,” I told him. Like I would ever not say it back to him. The muscles in his face slowly unwound and Bokuto sighed in relief. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t the tiniest bit offended by that. Why would he look at me like that, like he was scared of my answer? Even so, I cared more about reassuring him than that. “You know I love you too, right?”

The athlete just nodded, head falling into my arms when I opened them. I massaged his scalp as he nuzzled into my bare stomach. We hadn’t bothered to put clothes on last night after doing some... things... but that wasn’t pertinent.

“I do know that,” he sighed, hands resting on my sides. “I just really love hearing you say it, I guess.”

“I love you, Bokuto.” I lifted his head, cupped his cheeks. “I love you and I’ll tell you as many times as you want. And if you ever need anything, you can always come to me. I’m here for you too, you know?”

He hummed in understanding. “Thank you, Akaashi. You have no idea how much that means to me.”

“Of course,” I smiled at him. “Don’t ever feel like you need to hide something from me. No matter how heavy, you don’t have to struggle alone.”

Bokuto melted back into me without a word. He clung to me like I’d vanish if he didn’t, and I held him close. I let him be for now, didn’t prod any further, because I knew how much he needed this as reassurance. Sooner or later I would penetrate those well-disguised walls. It just wouldn’t be right now, and that was okay.

We snuggled and talked absentmindedly until the alarm I set to wake us went off. There was nowhere else I wanted to be other than in this bed next to Bokuto, but we did have things to do before meeting Suga and Oikawa. I went to sit up, but Bokuto pulled me right back down.

“Where are you going?” He asked, hanging off me as I threw my legs over the side of the bed. He mouthed over my rib, across the trail of marks left behind from last night. He mumbled against my skin. “…don’t wanna get up.”

Ugh. His sleepy voice never failed to do things to me. “As tempting as it sounds to ditch and spend the rest of the day here, we can’t. I need to shower.” The light scent of sweat still lingered on our skin from last night. After being apart for weeks I just couldn’t keep my hands off him.

Bokuto yawned, and smiled up at me. “Can I shower with you?”

I flushed, struggling to keep my composure as his fingers squeezed my sides. “I... don’t think we have enough time for that this morning. I’m sorry.”

Bokuto was already on his feet, holding his arms out to me. “No worries, Kaashi. If you don’t mind though, I would still like to shower with you. You can lean on me so you don’t hurt your ankle.”

“That would be very much appreciated.” I let him pull me onto my good foot. From there, he grabbed the backs of my thighs and hoisted me up. It was a little embarrassing, considering we were both still very much naked. Locking my ankles behind his back I grabbed his shoulders and let him carry me to the bathroom.

Bokuto was averse to depositing me onto the closed toilet, but let me go so he could turn on the shower. Stretching his arms over his head, he breathed in the steamy air. “So tired,” he yawned. “Akaashi, I don’t think I’m gonna make it through the day.”

“You’ll make it,” I reassured with a laugh. “You always perk up after you’ve eaten.”

He walked over to me, bracing his arms on either side of the wall before leaning down, with a suggestive smirk. “I think I perk up just fine with you around.”

“Y-you think so?” I shuddered when his teeth found my throat. Breath hot and raspy from sleep, he nipped at my earlobe and pressed open-mouthed kisses down my throat. I slid my hand into his hair. “Bokuto,” I breathed, though it was more like a moan, “We have to leave in an hour.” My words didn’t hold much conviction as I tipped my head, granting him more access.

“They can wait,” his hands let go of the wall, sliding down my sides until they fell on my legs. Curious fingers latched onto the flesh of my inner thighs. He squeezed them, hard, before pushing my knees apart. “I need to make up for lost time. And it looks like this part of you,” he palmed at my growing erection, “Is growing impatient.”

His hand wrapped around me as he closed in for a hungry kiss, the heat I’d longed for enveloping me. I moaned into his mouth, hips rocking to meet each of his strokes.

“I missed you so much.” He growled against my lips. His thumb slipped over my head, spreading my pre-come on his fingers to make the movement slicker.

“M-missed you too, _aahh,_ ” fire ripped through my chest as his other hand began its attack on my nipples. Bokuto made no effort to hide how eager he was with his feverish strokes, and the aggression turned me to liquid in his hands.

“Last night wasn’t enough for you, eh?” He bit down on my lower lip, and took their parting around a gasp as his chance to invade my mouth. On my tongue, my teeth, the roof of my mouth, his taste was everywhere. I wanted more.

He picked up the pace on my cock, unforgiving and rough, and I could already feel myself tipping over the edge every time he squeezed me.

My breath hitched, “D-don’t stop.” I turned my head to the side to deepen our kiss. Hands flying into his hair, I moaned into his mouth and let him hungrily dominate my tongue. Each time I pulled at the strands, he made a sound that rumbled deep in his chest and nipped more hickeys into my skin.

His hot breath against my neck and the steam were driving me closer and closer to release. I dug my nails into his back, yearning for his hands on me. I let my nails lightly scratch down his arms and chest, and I liked the growl it earned me.

Just as I moved back for a breath, Bokuto grabbed me around the hips. Yelping in confusion, I went limp as a rag doll while he whirled me around. Kneeling on the toilet seat, my back was now to him. He gently coaxed my knees together, taking great care to keep my ankle safe. “W-what are you doing?”

Any rational though escaped me when he groped my ass. In this position, my hands were too busy holding up my weight to do anything. I was trapped and at his mercy.

_Oh, god_. This position felt so vulnerable, exposing me to him at an unfamiliar level. We’d never done something like this before, yet I didn’t hate it. I wanted to be vulnerable to him.

“I couldn’t stop to thinking about you while you were gone.” Bokuto spread me out, and I gasped at how hard he was when he slid himself between my cheeks. “Not being able to touch you drives me crazy.”

Though my face was burning red, and embarrassment was coursing through me, I didn’t feel scared about whatever Bokuto might do. We hadn’t gone beyond his fingers just yet in terms of penetration, and I still didn’t feel ready to go all the way. But I knew I could trust him. He understood my boundaries and would respect them.

“Your body is reacting so nicely too,” he squeezed my hip, grinding against me. His hand reached around to wrap around me once again, stroking me in time with his movements. A moan escaped my throat when I felt him slide his cock between my thighs. How were my thighs already shaking? “Did you think about me while you were alone?”

My answer was anything but coherent. He thrust deep between my thighs, rubbing right up against me, and I nearly screamed. “ _Y-yes-!”_

“You’re so sexy. Squeeze your thighs together for me, Akaashi.”

From behind my I heard Bokuto open something and I did as he asked. He pulled his cock out from between my legs. When he slid it back into place, he was slicked with lube.

If it weren’t for his hands clamped on my hips, I would’ve fallen when he started moving. He started thrusting at a feverish pace and I pressed my thighs together around him. His fingertips bruised my skin.

Bokuto sunk his teeth into my neck, pulling my hips back against his as our lengths slid against each other.

“Nngh,” my spine bowed, arching me closer to him. I bit my lip to suppress my moans as his mouth explored my back. Each bite to my skin held the promise of a mark.

His hips sprang forward then, rougher than before. He was getting close now, and I was too.

“You look so pretty with my marks all over you,” he praised. “Don’t be shy. Let me hear you.” My mouth fell open, hoarse moans echoing off the bathroom walls. His touch melted my muscles with pleasure. “I want to mark you up good so everyone knows you’re mine.”

“P-please,” I whined to him. The hand around my cock was as relentless as the snap of his hips. His fingers wrapped around me with the perfect amount of firmness to drive me insane, and his palms were perfectly warm and slick.

Bokuto didn’t make me ask twice. He pulled out from between my thighs and spun me around until I was sat facing him again. Our hands wrapped around each other’s lengths as he crushed his lips to mine.

I latched onto his shoulders to press our bare skin together. Desperately we pumped each other until our motions lacked rhythm. I yanked him down and nipped at his ears, knowing just how much he liked the feel of my teeth on his skin.

His low moans shook me deep to my core “S-so close, Bokuto,” I cried out, clawing at his bicep. The point of my nails seemed to only buck him onward. He squeezed me in his hand until I saw stars. “ _D-don’t stop!”_

In white-hot bliss, I spilled into his palm.

Bokuto’s hands stroked me tenderly, not releasing until I’d given up every ounce I had left. I cupped the back of his neck and pulled him down. Licking and nipping at his Adam’s apple, I worked him until he found his own release.

Groaning, Bokuto collapsed on top of me. He stared at our dirty hands, then back to me, and smiled.

“You get so riled up in the mornings,” I chuckled, “Though I can’t say that I mind.”

“I can’t help it that I missed you a lot!” His cheeks went pink, “I thought about you every day you were gone. Not just sex, obviously. I missed talking to you, kissing you, cuddling you at night and waking up to you. Most of all I missed your smile. I love your body, and I think you’re beautiful, but,” Bokuto reached down to cradle my hurt foot in his hands. He pressed a kiss to my calf. “I missed _all_ of you.”

Admiration for him overflowed my veins. How could one man be so sweet and genuine?

I leaned down, and he met me halfway for a kiss. It was different from the ones earlier, softer and gentler and bursting with affection. “I missed all of you too, Bokuto.”

Bokuto smiled against my mouth, kissing me once more before getting up. “I guess we really need to take that shower now,” he said sheepishly.

I glanced at the clock. We were already late, and I couldn’t be bothered anymore. I slung a leg around his waist, pulling him against me. “How about another round?”

His grin was entrancing. “For you? Always.” He bent down to claim another kiss.

——-

Eventually we ran out of steam and got ready. I went with black jeans, a sweater, a red coat lined with white faux fur, and some boots. A put-together outfit took my focus off the crutches I had to use.

Bokuto was lucky I’d packed some of his clothes to sleep in, considering he didn’t bring luggage. He put on his Black Jackals hoodie over another shirt to layer against the cold. For bottoms he threw on joggers and a very warm-looking grey jacket, graciously purchased and delivered to us by Coach the night Bokuto arrived. Bokuto was just grateful to have clean clothes.

Our friends were waiting for us at the small restaurant below the hotel, and Suga did not look happy. He marched right up to Bokuto and crossed his arms over his chest. “I called you four times and you didn’t pick up.”

Bokuto shrugged, “My phone’s been off all morning.” His phone was definitely not off.

“Oh yeah, how convenient it was off when Akaashi’s is broken so we couldn’t reach you,” Suga rolled his eyes and pointed a finger at Bokuto. “Quit smirking at me. I know what you were doing. Your dick is making us late!”

“Good morning!” Oikawa sang. He put an arm around Suga and smiled. “Someone’s just jealous that you get to see your boyfriend and he doesn’t.” The brunette handed us each a white paper bag. “We thought you’d be hungry after such an exciting morning.”

“I am not,” Suga puffed his cheeks, which glowed pink.

I felt my ears burn hot. I stood frozen as Oikawa roped me into a hug. When he pulled away, he leaned in closer to whisper. “You feeling okay?”

Shaking off the flustering feelings, I let go of one crutch to hug Oikawa again. With my sudden departure from the competition, my absence at the banquet, and my night in the hospital, I hadn’t seen my friends in two days. Knowing I couldn’t be there to cheer them on disappointed me.

“I’m feeling a lot better.” I inhaled deeply, “How did you do?” My stomach wrenched. Deep down I really didn’t want to know any results, but I knew I couldn’t go long without confirming my fears regarding scores.

Oikawa squeezed my shoulder, eyes growing warm. “All three of us did well, Keiji. I’m really proud of you.”

I fixed my eyes on his, fear creeping in. “I failed.”

“You did _not_ fail,” he countered. “You should’ve seen the judges and the crowd cheering for you. Skating with a loose boot is a nightmare, and you made it look easy.”

“Tell me what I got.”

“I think you’re better off waiting till later. You deserve a day to relax.”

“Please, I’m begging you Tooru. At least tell me I placed.” I tugged on his sleeve.

Oikawa exhaled sharply. “No one’s scores were really that high yet since it’s only Cup of China, but man,” he shook his head, “Not one person had a perfect skate. Everyone fell at least once.”

“Are you serious?”

“Don’t believe me? Wanna see the bruise on my ass?”

I snorted, laughing along with my best friend. “No thanks. I believe you.”

“You took silver last night,” Oikawa smiled reassuringly at me. “Only an eighth point shy from gold.

I counted to ten in my head. I waited for the punch to the gut, the nausea of shame, but nothing came. My emotions had convinced me the world was going to cave in and I’d be crushed. Yet looking into the sky I found the clouds still chugging along. Their movement gave me content. As I stood staring at Oikawa, I realized what this feeling was.

I was accepting myself.

It had been years since gold wasn’t mine at a Grand Prix skate. But if the people I loved were still proud of me, did it matter?

And then it hit me. I gasped, eyes growing wide when I saw his toothy smile. Pride swelled in my chest. “Tooru, does that mean you...?”

He puffed out his chest a little, nodded. “That’s right!”

Squealing with happiness I dropped one crutch and roped my friend into a hug. “I’m so proud of you!”

He hugged me back. “Thank you, I’m proud of you too,” he said when we separated. 

“I just want to know what’s in the buns, Suga-san!” Our attention was pulled toward Bokuto, whose nose was practically in his paper bag. “Damn, these smell good.”

“It’s just meat and dough, Bokuto-san. Eat so we can go.”

“But what kind of meat?”

“Oh, like you won’t eat it. It’s not poisoned!” Suga glared at him.

“How do I know that?”

The figure skater took a deep breath, “Just eat it before I take Keiji and make you sit in the hotel all day alone.”

Bokuto stuck his tongue out at Suga, who returned the favor, and took out a bun. He bit into it, taking half of the steamed treat with one bite. His face lit up as he chewed. “Akaashi!” He mumbled around the food, “You’ve gotta try this!”

Laughing at my boyfriend, I removed a bun from the bag. “I wonder if it’s safe to let them be friends.” I whispered to Oikawa.

“Probably not,” he replied. “I just _know_ they’re going to end up getting lost at the museum.”

“Agreed. Koushi might be a bad influence on him. We need leashes.”

We were pulled from our conversation by a loud gasp from Bokuto. I whirled around, “What’s wrong?”

“Suga-san _LOOK_!” He grabbed Suga’s arm, gesturing as politely as he could to someone nearby. Sitting at their feet was a small, fluffy orange dog wearing a frog hat. “Can we go pet it? Can we?”

Suga slapped his hands over his cheeks, turning to Bokuto with a look that made me sweat. “Are you stupid?” The taller man stared at him for a minute, confused, until he added, “Why wouldn’t we go pet it?”

Without a single word of warning the pair took off, slipping into the crowded street.

I let my head fall back, feeling the start of a headache. “I didn’t know we were babysitting.”

—-

Fairly early into our day in Chongqing, the four of us learned that sightseeing in a city was a challenge of its own with a person on crutches.

Well, more like Oikawa realized it. Bokuto and Suga vanished every five minutes, or whenever they felt like giving us heart attacks, leaving us in the dust. It was so bad to the point where we had to page them at the mall. I was worried sick the entire time, but Oikawa was attoned to Suga’s second winds, content with pushing my wheelchair to and from every store.

Cardiac arrest aside, the fact that Suga and Bokuto were hitting it off made me really happy. Suga may not come off this way, but he was just as crazy Bokuto. When he wasn’t busy telling Hinata not to do stupid things, Suga was the one doing stupid things.

Like puppies they came back when they needed something or missed us. Suga unloaded the dozens of photo booth reels they took into my backpack while Bokuto showed me the plushies they bought.

Bokuto sat the cartoon mushroom with a face in my lap. “Suga-san wanted to get it because it looks like a dick,” was the only explanation I got.

Later they came back with a big wooden box. Upon opening it I found little glass bottles of every spice known to man. Suga had a duck-shaped tea kettle that allegedly screamed when the water was boiling. Because why not?

“My feet hurt already,” Oikawa whined, pulling my wheelchair up to a bench and plopping down in it. “Can I just sit on your lap?”

“I’m so proud of you for not buying something from every clothing store that I just might let you,” I deadpanned.

“My self-control is a lot better than Koushi and Bokkun’s.”

“You’re definitely right about that.” I lifted up the gift-set of skincare Bokuto had eagerly dropped with us. “I think I’ve created a monster.”

“I think it’s nice they’re getting along so well.” Oikawa laughed, “Though it would be worse if Kuroo-san were here.”

I rubbed at my temples. “Putting you, Bokuto, Suga, and Kuroo in the same room is just asking for trouble.”

He flashed a bright smile, “I know! My cute looks are deceiving.”

We regrouped with our new chaos pair a half-hour later at the food court, thankfully with no other impulse purchases. Making a quick stop back to the hotel we dropped the extra weight and traveled to our next destination.

—-

At the mall I didn’t really mind being restricted to the wheelchair. Shopping really wasn’t my thing like it was Oikawa’s, and it was nice to spend time with him. I hadn’t spoken to him in two days, and I found myself missing his sass.

At the Natural History Museum, I hated being in the wheelchair. But it wasn’t just because I wanted to get a better look at some of the exhibits.

Oikawa had relinquished me to the other two, and I was terrified, to say the least.

I’m pretty sure when Bokuto and Suga saw me in the wheelchair, they _only_ saw the wheelchair. On this particularly foggy day in Chongqing not many people were out, leaving the museum empty. Empty museums meant empty wheelchair ramps.

“Keiji,” Suga hummed sweetly, flashing me his most innocent smile. I wasn’t buying it. “Bokuto-san and I were wondering if we could try something.”

From behind him I saw Bokuto wandering around, unable to stand still. I looked back to Suga, “Will it kill me?”

“Nope!”

I sighed. “Alright, just don’t get us kicked out.”

Had I known that I was going to be used like a cushioned seat, I would’ve said no. At every exhibit with a wheelchair ramp we encountered, one would jump on my lap while the other would launch us down the ramp.

When I wasn’t concerned for my safety, I was actually enjoying the museum. Bokuto and Suga got sidetracked again, so I found some peace in the Panda Exhibit.

The huge walls were adorned with red panels that held writing. I wheeled myself around the exhibit to look at the specimens. It was entertaining, despite the fact that I couldn’t read Chinese. The museum was huge and pleasantly warm inside. I couldn’t even remember the last time I went out like this.

I was tapping through a screen display about bamboo forests when Oikawa’s phone dinged under my leg; he’d left it with me so I had a way to contact someone. Pulling it out I typed in his password and opened his texts.

Ten unread messages from Iwaizumi Hajime.

Okay, no. I cannot open that. Ignoring my curiosity, I opened Suga’s and all of it was pictures.

The first one was of Bokuto, climbing around in what appeared to be a cave-themed playground for children. I played the video that came after it.

“Dude, I don’t think I can fit inside,” Bokuto said, looking back at Suga. The camera was at a lower angle, probably hidden from the other athlete.

“Just go already.” Suga pointed the camera briefly to a panel of buttons, then back to Bokuto. “You’ll be fine!” 

Bokuto gave him a wary look before jumping off the top and crawling into the cave. He paused right before the shadows covered him. “Do I have to go all the way?”

“Are you scared?”

“Not at all!” Bokuto ducked his head, getting on all fours, and disappeared inside.

Suga snickered behind the camera. He went over the buttons and wiggled his fingers at them. “So many choices and I don’t know what any of these labels sat.” He shifted from button to button, until his hand stopped over the biggest one. It was bright red with a picture of a bear on it.

He pressed it.

A roar that I questioned was appropriate to have in a children’s exhibit went off. Suga turned the camera back to the cave. A screeching sound came from inside, and I thought it was another sound effect.

The screech came again and Bokuto darted out from the cave. He stood at his full height too soon and his head smacked against the roof.

“AAAAAAHHH!” Bokuto scrambled to Suga, face the epitome of terror, and the video cut out.

The rest of the pictures were less turbulent. Some were of Suga comparing his hands to different animal paws. There was a video of Bokuto doing an interactive display where he tried to hold his breath as long as some marine mammals. He had one hell of a lung capacity.

In the Earth’s Mystery exhibit, there were quite a few pictures of Bokuto being enamored by the plate tectonics display. I think those ones were my favorite. Bokuto a lot nerdier than I thought when we first met.

Oikawa appeared behind me, leaning over the wheelchair. “Guess who just got stopped by a security guard.”

“Oh god,” I shut off the phone, turning in my seat to look at him. “You’re joking right?”

Oikawa shook his head. “I saw them at the space exhibit. They were going too hard on the rocket simulator. Bokuto screams like a baby by the way.”

_Don’t I know it_. “Okay,” I pushed my glasses up to rub at my eyes. “Let’s go find them.”

Oikawa dropped himself onto my lap, swinging his legs over the armrest. “They’re probably at the dinosaur thing now.”

Taking his directions, I started wheeling us to the nearest elevator. “Have you talked to Iwaizumi-san lately?”

Oikawa tensed, he turned his head away from me. “No, not recently.”

I felt my brows pinch together, “Why is that? I thought you two were hitting it off.”

“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “We went out to dinner the weekend before I left. It was wonderful. We got drinks and hung out at his apartment.”

“That sounds great to me,” I called the elevator and moved us inside. “What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing is wrong with that!” Oikawa cried, covering his face with his hands. “That’s the problem. Iwa’s just so respectful and sweet. So like the idiot I am I drank too much.” I felt Oikawa slouch into himself. “We were watching a movie and I really wanted to cuddle him, so I asked. He let me. It was literally heaven. But I ruined it!”

His voice echoed on the steel walls. “Calm down, I’m sure it’s not that bad. What happened?”

“I kissed him,” Oikawa blurted, words running together. “I leaned over and kissed him and I was so humiliated I ran out of his apartment.”

“Tooru,” I put my arm around him for comfort. “Stop jumping to conclusions when you don’t even know how Iwaizumi-san feels. What did he do when you kissed him?”

“He just stared at me! I couldn’t take it Keiji. He was the nicest guy I’ve ever liked and now it’s going to be so awkward he’ll never want to date me.”

“I’m sure that’s not true. You probably just startled him,” I reasoned. “When I messed up with Bokuto, you told me I had to talk to him. Take your own advice.”

“Well,” he pouted. “I... was going to. But if he’s pissed at me and I don’t read his messages, then I don’t have to deal with it right?”

I rolled my eyes. Exiting of the elevator, we entered the main floor of the museum. “Don’t ignore him. That’s not fair to him and you know it.”

“Then what do you suppose I do?”

I grabbed his flailing hand and stuck his phone in it. “Talk. To. Him. You’re always so bold, but you clam up when it comes to your feelings.”

Three people came into view when we passed a dinosaur skeleton. Bokuto and Suga stood with their heads down, tiny smirks on their lips as a security guard scolded them.

“Feelings can wait for tonight,” Oikawa decided. He pointed to the pair. “That can’t.”

  
—-

Our problem children mellowed out after we ate. We chose a quiet little restaurant for a quick, hot meal. After Bokuto and Suga ate themselves into a coma, they were finally tame.

“This is what parents with young kids must feel like,” Oikawa had murmured to me on our way to the hotel. I couldn’t agree more.

Suga and Oikawa temporarily parted with us to get their bags. Our next stop was the airport, and then home.

I was less homesick than I usually felt after competing internationally somehow. Maybe it was because Bokuto had come to me, and he was what I missed.

Bokuto filled the suitcase Oikawa lent him with the gifts he bought- toys and things for his little brother, the spices for his parents, and whatever random things he found that reminded him of Kuroo and the guys.

In my own bag I tucked away the skincare box he insisted we try out together. My heart fluttered as I secured it beneath my clothes. Bokuto was always thinking of me, and I loved the way he remembered little things.

Zipping up my suitcase, I glanced at over my shoulder where he was sat on the bed, responding to a test from Sou. I could tell the poor kid was lonely and missing his big brother.

On Bokuto’s head was the knitted owl hat I got for him back at the mall. The face of pure joy he made upon seeing it was one I would never forget, along with the way his eyes lit up when I told him it was for him. I felt a little embarrassed giving it to him, considering it was sort of childish, but as always he erased my doubt. He’d immediately put it on and didn’t take it off all day. It looked so cute on him.

“Let me take this,” he said when we were checked out, coming up behind me and taking the bag off my shoulders. It was a bit uncomfortable with the crutches, but I felt guilty.

“It’s okay, I can carry it.”

“Nope!” Bokuto already had it slung over his shoulder. “I know it’s uncomfortable for you to carry right now. It’s alright to ask me for help, I won’t turn you down.”

Was there ever a time he wasn’t so considerate? I got on my toes and kissed his cheek, “Thank you.” Bokuto just smiled and kissed me back.

Coach met us at the hotel to help with our bags, since we were down a pair of hands. He gave us each our plane tickets and told us to get to the gate thirty minutes early. The older man recruited Bokuto to come with him on a search for hot drinks.

“Woo, we’re going home!” Suga threw his bags in front of us. Oikawa and I just watched as he stepped up the moving walkway, lay over the railing, and ride across on his stomach.

“I think Koushi’s lost it.”

Oikawa snorted, putting his own bag on the ground. “I was good all day. If he gets to screw around then so do I!” A phone was tossed to me, which I nearly fell catching, and Oikawa jumped on right behind him. Were these two actually adults?

Our flight took off into a dark sky, stars speckling the open air over the runway. Bokuto caught me yawn once and insisted I got the window seat so I had something to lean on. But the wall wasn’t what I wanted.

I stared at the dozing hockey player beside me, admiring the little smile on his lips. We were very lucky to be flying in one of the more spacious, comfortable planes. I lifted the plush arm rest between us and snuggled into his side.

An arm snaked around me, pulling me into him. “I’m sorry,” I said quietly, “Did I wake you?”

“It’s all good.” Bokuto turned in his seat, shifting us closer. “You cold?”

A hand slipped under the hem of my shirt. Rough fingers traced shapes on my side. “Not anymore.” I nestled my nose into his neck, breathing in his scent. “I’m so happy you came. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.”

“I had a lot of fun with everyone.” He kissed the top of my head. “I’m pretty sure I’d go anywhere for you.”

Before sleep took us both, Bokuto let me talk his ear off about skating. I showed him Aiko Fujiwara’s iconic short program from over a decade ago. The tango theme and the red dress made it my absolute favorite. She was my idol for a reason; a true master of the craft.

I felt pride as Bokuto successfully named each jump, how he lit up when he was right.

I fell for him all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again;) so sorry that this chapter was on the longer side this week. if you made it down this far, i just wanted to say thank you again. this story gained a lot more readers than i ever believed it would. i even saw someone recommend it on a fanfic list a few weeks ago and i CRIED. ACTUAL TEARS.
> 
> i read every single comment i get like a million times a day, you have no idea.
> 
> thank you for reading and leaving kudos and all that jazz. it makes my day!!


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, comin at ya with another update. this one was a doozy, since it's the bridge of one part of the story to the next. but we are starting to near the end (don't panic!) and i apologize for any little weird grammar errors. i've had a rough week,
> 
> im so sorry this next update took like two weeks to get out, but im just letting y'all know im not dead. i've recently been having problems with another person who i am trying to cut out my life, but it's always easier said than done. i hope everyone's been having a good November/December though. this is my fav time of year!!!

The sprained ankle chained me down to two weeks of rest, but it wasn’t all that bad. Waking up every morning with my nose nestled into Bokuto’s pillow and his arms around me was like a dream come true. 

Bokuto had insisted on letting me stay with him, not wanting me to spend the weeks alone. At first I was flurried with the request. I could count the amount of times I’ve stayed that long with someone else on one hand.

Bokuto always kept his place as open and welcoming as his heart. He left no room for anxiety to dominate when took my hand and helped remind me that I was safe there. Frankly, I felt safe anywhere now as long as he was there. 

It started with small steps. My first night there I got a bit overwhelmed. It was embarrassing considering how often I was here, but I chalked it up to surrounding stress. Bokuto was there for me the moment he sensed my shift in mood. He tucked us both into his bed, shutting off all the bright lights and sound-producing electronics. I will forever cherish that gentle reassurance in his voice against my hair, the squeeze of his hands over my arms.

One dark night cleared away to reveal many brighter ones. We teamed up on making grocery lists and cooking meals. Bokuto brought me along to hockey practice and home games. He even introduced me to a few more teammates, who were all nice. Kuroo, Daichi, and Iwaizumi knew about bumps in the road that others did not, but they were never unkind to me. I could tell Kuroo was withholding words.

One night together, Bokuto cleared away our dishes in a flash and whisked me off to the couch. His apartment was large, a spacious living room connected to an open kitchen with little black barstools at the counter. The tall windows on the right wall of the living room allowed the soft city lights in as Bokuto moved the coffee table. 

He giddily helped me to my feet that night. My eyes watched as he intertwined our hands.

His other hand slid under my hurt leg, slipping down until he could hook it over his hip. It was challenging to trust my balance in this state.

“I’ve got you, don’t worry,” Bokuto caught my idling other hand and pressed it to his shoulder. “I won’t let you fall.”

My fingers curled into the fabric of his shirt. The smile he shared with me was so sweet, and so easy to return. 

He untangled our joined hands to fumble with his phone for a second. “What is this?” I eyed him. All I could see was the screen’s faint glow in the moonlit apartment.

“You’ll see.” He tossed the device onto the couch before taking my hand again. “Stand on my foot.”

“What?” 

Bokuto laughed at my puzzled expression. “Just take this foot,” he lifted me up without warning, causing me to cling to his frame, “And put it here,” He put me down with my foot over his. He looked back up at me, intelligent eyes monitoring my reaction. “I’ll do the work for us.”

“I don’t think I understand what you mean.”

While I took a moment to find my balance, a soft song filled the air. Realization washed over me then. “Bokuto,” I mumbled, fingers fumbling with his collar, “I’m... not exactly the best dance partner. Especially not right now.”

Bokuto didn’t let me dwell over my condition very long. He was just good at that, warding off the bad and bringing out the good. 

“I’d pick you as my partner in any condition,” he tugged at our joined hands, bringing out chests together. “Just don’t let go of me and we’re all good, yeah?”

I mulled over maybe a hundred outcomes before Bokuto pulled me back to reality with a peck to my lips. Tipping my head back, I seemed to pause time, and spent the small moment carving the depths of his shadow-swept face into my memory. 

My forehead came to rest against his neck. It always mystified me, how perfectly it fit there. “I won’t let you go, Bokuto.” The words were airy, though full of conviction. I could feel them burrowing under Bokuto’s skin, enveloping his heart. 

We spent hours intertwined, drifting around the living room in our own silly excuse for a dance. I couldn’t take a single step on my own; it was nice to let someone walk for me, for once. 

Bokuto was my sky. Warm, bright, and full of surprises. He was my own little patch of sunshine, my own battalion of clouds that shield me from gloom. I wanted to make pinpricks in his clouds, see everything he was thinking. 

—-

I padded through Bokuto’s kitchen as soundlessly as possible, setting dishes down on my fingertip before they hit the counter. My ankle was feeling better than ever and I was walking without any grief. By the end of this week I’d be set to skate again. Just in time, with the Rostelecom Cup around the corner. I had some catch-up to do, but I wasn’t discouraged yet. 

The apartment was eerily quiet without Bokuto up. We typically were both early risers, but hockey practice was canceled today and I was still on rest, so I got up on my own to let him sleep in. 

I let the blade of my knife glide through the block of tofu. The cubes I cut weren’t nearly as neat as Bokuto’s, but I learned that kind of thing didn’t matter to him. He valued the thought behind the gestures. I transferred them to the pot of soup and put the lid on to keep it warm. 

It was the first silent morning I’d had in a couple of weeks. I’m not saying I’m ungrateful or annoyed with Bokuto’s exuberance; walking through my morning routine with him was a million times better than doing it on my own. He brought light to the rest of my day. He didn’t let me retreat into myself.

Though that doesn’t mean that one doesn’t need a few hours in their own space to reflect. It only hit me then that I was basically living with Bokuto. We did chores together, slept together, and accompanied one another in the shower. 

Living with him. Oh, that sounded like heaven. 

Was it okay to think that?

To think I was ever nervous about this. Sharing a space with Bokuto, temporary or not, came like second nature to me. Things just melded better when we were together, fell into place with ease. When conflicts arose, we took them head-on and worked at them together. Bokuto had become my biggest cheerleader and I had become his. He brought energy and a sort of foundation into my unsteady routine. I hoped he felt something like that from me too.

It hadn’t dawned on me until I was standing in his kitchen at 7:00am on a weekday, in old sweatpants and a hoodie, just how hard we were falling for each other. I felt proud of how far I’ve come these past few months. How far we’ve come. 

And the stronger our relationship grew, the more comfortable I was with being intimate. The thought made my cheeks flush. There was no doubting it- I was ready to share my body completely with Bokuto, but how do I tell him that? Saunter up and go, “Hey Bokuto, I’m ready for you to fuck me?”

_ Nope. Too early for that. _

I shook it off, busying my hands with prepping veggies. My ears remained trained on the hallway behind me for any sign Bokuto was up.

Life was breezy now. After China, I felt like I could take on any challenge that came my way.

Well, almost every challenge. There was still one issue that stuck out like a sore thumb. A subject with a person I didn’t have the courage to broach. 

I thought that if I didn’t think about mom too much, then maybe the bad would go away. But the lack of calls and no sudden visits were starting to make my skin crawl. She was yet to critique my silver medal or berate me for falling, and it was just so unlike her. 

Was she that humiliated by me? She could call me any second, or she could never call me again. My phone sat on the dining table, the dark screen almost mocking me. 

I raked a hand through my hair, tugging it a little. I was afraid of nothing, yet everything at the same time. Just when I thought I’d finally changed, found a part of me strong enough to overcome self-hatred, the silence of another person crushed me. 

Pacing around the kitchen, I pulled furiously at my fingers. If I called her, I was handing myself over to be ripped apart. If I didn’t call her I could continue skirting around the storm. Or was she waiting for me to call? To go to her? And then there was the possibility she wanted nothing to do with me at all. 

My stomach knotted, sending nauseating waves over me. There was just no right way out of this problem. There was nothing I could fix. My eyes traveled to my phone. 

I was moving toward the dining table when a thrashing sound came from the bedroom. I heard the frantic shuffle of bedding, like Bokuto was searching for something, and then, a shaky gasp that pierced my heart.

And then Bokuto was scrambling out of the room. “No, no, no, _please,_ ” He rushed down the hallway in his sweatpants, shirt in his hands as he ran to the bathroom. 

Not finding whatever he was looking for, Bokuto flew out of the bathroom. Fear marred his complexion. He looked defeated in every sense of the word when he exited the bathroom. 

I watched, scared and equally confused, as he desperately scanned the second bedroom. He staggered out of the hallway a few minutes later, eyes dull and downcast. 

The sound of the knife being set on the counter made Bokuto’s head snap up. He stood crumpled and guarded. But then he saw me, and all the tension left his body in a heavy sigh. 

I wiped my hands clean and walked up to him, holding my arms out. He didn’t move to me, just stared at me in what looked like shock. “You... didn’t leave me.”

If there were any other sound in the room I would’ve missed what he said, but he was all I saw right now. “What do you mean, Bokuto? Why would I just leave without telling you?”

Bokuto worried at his bottom lip. He was leaning toward me, yet holding back, like he wasn’t sure if I wanted him to touch me. I closed the distance when he didn’t answer me. “What do you mean?” I repeated.

A second later the air in my lungs was pushed out from Bokuto’s crushing embrace. “I woke up and you weren’t... you weren’t—you weren’t there,” he staggered over his words. “I was so scared. I thought you left me... like l-last time when...when she did...”

_ She? _

I let him ramble himself breathless, combed the tangles from his hair as he buried his face in my neck. I’d never seen him this dejected before. He did get mopey when we had occasional small arguments (as couples do), but never enough to hinder our ability to work things out in a healthy way. This wasn’t just mopey. 

“Bokuto?” I said softly. My hands massaged his scalp in tandem, and his face was in my chest. 

He didn’t look up at me, but I knew he was listening.

I breathed in, gathering my thoughts into words. “I don’t know what happened to you in the past. I don’t know whatever this person did to you, but whatever it was, it was cruel and you will never, _ever_ deserve to be treated like that.” I emphasized my words with a gentle tug to his hair. “You don’t have to tell me what happened right now. You don’t ever have to tell me, if you’re not comfortable. But Bokuto?”

Bokuto reluctantly picked up his head. Taking his face in my hands, I made him look me into the eye. 

“You are so wonderful. I love you Bokuto, and I would never abandon you like that. I’ve never wanted such a silly thing. To leave you is to leave the person that makes my days brighter.”

The process was slow, but the fear in his eyes melted into something calmer. “I’m sorry, Akaashi,” he leaned his face into my touch. “I can’t believe I freaked out like that. I feel so shitty now.”

“You have nothing to feel bad about.” I pulled his face closer to mine. “Anyone would’ve been worried if they woke up in an empty bed without warning.”

“Why didn’t you wake me up?”

“I wanted you to sleep in for once,” I told him. “My body woke me up early, and you just looked so cute while you were sleeping.” The laugh I earned when I squished his cheeks was music to my ears. 

Bokuto stuck his tongue out at me, lips quirking into his classic lopsided smile. “Well get me up too next time, Kaashi. I don’t care how early it is, I’ll keep you company.”

I smiled back at him. “What if it’s three in the morning?”

The arms around my waist pulled me tighter against him. “We don’t have to _physically_ get up then. I’ll just cuddle you until it’s time.”

“I think that’s a great idea. Should we go and do that after we have breakfast?” 

Bokuto nodded in response, but the rough fingers walking beneath the hem of my shirt said otherwise. “Breakfast can wait... there’s no practice today.”

I laughed a little at that, but reigned myself in and shifted to a more serious tone. “Then... do you think you could tell me about what happened back then?”

He tensed against me. 

There they were- those walls I was trying so hard to scale. 

A strained sound came from Bokuto’s throat. He let out a sigh, “It scares me to think about it, y’know. So much has already changed. I’ve moved on completely, but the memories are still there, eating at me.”

My chest tightened. A crack in that wall.

“There’s no pressure, Bokuto.” I looked him firmly in the eye, hoping I could convey the love and support I felt for him. “Whenever you’re ready to let me in, I’m here to listen. Or, if you don’t want to, I’ll never bring it up again.”

“No,” he quickly said. Bokuto sighed again. He leaned in to press a kiss to my lips, then my chin, and nuzzled his cheek against mine. “No,” he said again, a bit softer. “I... I want to tell you. I want to tell you everything. You let me in back then and I want to do the same for you. It’s not the neatest part of my past, but I don’t want to hide any part of me from you.” He looked up at me, eyes twinkling with a little more hope. “I trust you, a lot. I know you’d never judge me over something like this.”

“I would never,” I agreed, bumping our noses together. The gesture made Bokuto laugh, just like it always did. I ran my fingers through the hair above his temple. “I was able to let you in so easily because I trust you too, Bokuto. If there’s ever anything bothering you, I’m here for you. We help pick each other up, yeah?”

Bokuto nodded. “I love you, Akaashi.”

“I love you too, Bokuto.” My heart flooded with warmth, squeezing until it burst in my chest. No matter how many times he told me he loved me, it felt like the first time all over again. 

“Could you maybe... stay over again tonight? Or we could go to your apartment? We could talk about it then.”

“Anything you want, Bokuto.”

Hunger eventually kicked in for the both of us, the smell of food winning over any other desires. I went back to the stove to finish our breakfast. While I cooked, Bokuto sat at my feet, his head resting against my leg. He didn’t say anything, just watched me with a satisfied smile as I navigated the kitchen with familiarity. 

There was a pang in my heart still, despite Bokuto’s spirits being lifted. It wasn’t jealously; I wasn’t upset that Bokuto brought up a person who might be a past partner.

As we washed the dishes, my mind wandered back to the talk I had with Daichi that day at the restaurant. These feelings were akin to those I had back then. 

I was angry that someone could willingly wound such a beautiful soul. Angry they abandoned him. 

Bokuto wasn’t weak. He picked himself up, dusted himself off, and carried on, unyielding to whatever gets him down. But that didn’t mean he didn’t hurt sometimes. 

Turning back time wasn’t a card in my hand. I couldn’t just rewind and fix what I wasn’t a part of. What I could do however, was be there for him. And I’d walk through hell to keep the privilege to.

—-

Having a free day was a rarity for us athletes. Even though we were given this luxury today, boredom got the best of us. I was missing the ice; Bokuto had enough pent-up energy to power a car. We dropped by my apartment so I could grab my things before driving to the rink. 

“Is there anything else you wanted to do today?” Bokuto glanced at me, fingers tapping ok the steering wheel.

I shook my head, “Besides taking a shower and burrowing under a dozen blankets? Not really. It’s much too cold to be outside right now.”

“It is pretty bitter out there,” Bokuto admitted. “But... that doesn’t mean we can’t do something indoors, right?”

I interlaced our fingers on my knee, my curiosity peaked. “I am back to practice full-time tomorrow, but we have all day together. What did you have in mind?”

The tapping against the steering wheel was growing louder, more irregular without a pattern. “Well, I was thinking... my little brother will be done with school in a couple hours, and the rink is pretty close to my parents’ house. I was wondering if maybe...” 

I gave his hand a squeeze of encouragement, the pink twinge of nervousness evident on his cheeks. 

“Maybe you’d wanna go meet him? It doesn’t have to be today; it could be any time this week.” He laughed sheepishly, “Sou really wants to meet you.”

The rink came into view through the windshield. I leaned over the bench and kissed his jaw. “I’d love to finally meet him. Maybe we can take him to lunch sometime.”

“He would love that!” Bokuto’s face lit up, eyes sparking at the possibilities. “But he does like to cook just like our mom. Hey, you should come over for dinner one night! My family’s been dying to meet you.”

I felt cheeks blaze red, “Your family knows about us...?”

Bokuto blinked at me as if I were questioning one of the simplest concepts of existence. “Of course they do. When I told my mom you were a figure skater, she got so excited. You make me happy, so why wouldn’t I tell them about you?”

“No, no, no,” I scrubbed my face with my hands, “Do they know I’m your _boyfriend?”_

Bokuto’s mouth fell into a tiny “o” shape. “Ohhhhh, that. Yeah, they know I’m gay and all that stuff.”

Voice rapidly rising in pitch, I asked, “And how do they feel about that...?

“They’re totally fine with it. My family doesn’t care about that kind of stuff, and accept everyone as long as they’re good people.”

“They don’t resent me?”

“Why would they resent you?” Bokuto frowned at me, tilting his head. “If they’re upset with anyone it’s me, they’ve been bugging me to bring you over but we’ve both been so busy.”

I felt as if I’d been hit by a bus, my insides tightening with disbelief. Was it too good to be true? 

“You know Akaashi,” Bokuto spoke again. He unbuckled his seatbelt to move closer to me, an arm looping around my shoulders. “The world around us often feels like it’s so full of hate. There are lots of people out there that use their voices and actions to put others down, and you’ve unfortunately had to go through that before. But that’s the beauty of family and friends. We walk through countless storms, but when they’re over, we have people who accept us to go back home to.”

“It must be nice,” I said solemnly, “But my remaining family isn’t like that.”

“Who said family has to be blood?”

“I... I guess it doesn’t have to be, but my—“

“But nothing,” Bokuto waved me off. “Listen to me Akaashi. No matter what happens or where you are, I promise you’ll always have a safe place with my family. They will accept you for you without question. I know I can’t stop you from worrying, but meeting my family definitely isn’t anything to worry about.”

Bokuto kissed my cheek before rolling out of the truck, and for a moment I sat there on my own, stunned. The idea of meeting Bokuto’s family had always made me nervous. I was so scared I’d embarrass myself, or cause problems for being who I am. 

The passenger door swung open to reveal Bokuto, nose nipped red and hair dusted with frost. “Let’s get going before the ice gets too crowded!”

Smiling, I hopped out of the truck to follow him, feeling like I was walking on clouds. 

Stepping back onto the ice after weeks of rest was like heaven on earth. With it being the middle of the day the rink was a bit full, but I could work around it. I followed Coach’s orders and refrained from doing any vigorous jumps and just focused on some fundamentals. Rockers, edge pulls, brackets, and other elementary skills were my best friends.

Bokuto was happy to let me off for some alone time, which I was grateful for, but at the same time I longed to be holding his hand every time I passed by him. And when the other guys showed up, I stopped getting near him altogether.

I hadn’t seen anyone but Bokuto and my close friends in a couple of weeks now, and a sort of alarm went off in my brain when Kuroo and Daichi showed up. 

To put it simply, I was afraid to talk to them. They had to know about our recent fight, right? They’re Bokuto’s best friends, and one didn’t have to be very bright to recognize their closeness. How they felt about me at this moment was virtually unknown, and having two sizable hockey players pissed at me was not something I was prepared to deal with. 

Not wanting to be rude, I waved hello to the guys when we made eye contact and kept my distance for most of the session. But then Bokuto left with his car keys in hand, and the moment he stepped off the ice, two heads from across the ice turned on me.

Daichi and Kuroo made their way over, weaving through other skaters until they came to a stop in front of me. Their eyes didn’t hint any malice, but their combined presences were enough to make me nervous.

“Hey!” Daichi smiled warmly, raising a hand in greeting. “Looks like your ankle’s feeling better, yeah?”

I nodded, feeling more at ease from his tone. “It’s good to see you both. And yes, it was a rough couple of weeks but I’m finally cleared to skate again.”

“Bo was worried sick about you the entire time,” Daichi chuckled. “He was very reluctant to leave you on your own.”

“Hm, I could tell. He just has such a caring nature, and I think it’s really sweet.”

“He can get a little overprotective at times, but that’s just par for the course from living with his siblings.”

Siblings? Plural?

A smile etched over my mouth. “I find it endearing, if I’m being honest. It’s nice to wake up next to someone with so much energy.”

We shared a small laugh, but the next few moments that followed were quiet. Kuroo stood with his arms crossed, gaze on his skates. The awkward energy filling the air between us made me squirm in front of the men.

Were they waiting for me to speak? Was there some kind of secret social queue I wasn’t picking up on?

When the tension became too much to handle, I cracked. Stumbling over my words, I bowed my head and let the apology roaring inside me come out. 

“I’m so sorry for what I did. Hurting Bokuto is the last thing I ever want to do and trying trying to run away from my feelings was so awful of me. I haven’t thought for a second that I deserve his forgiveness, and again I’m just so sorry. I caused so much stress and pain for him—and for you all too, probably,— and I feel terrible for it. I regret everything I did. Bokuto is the most wonderful person I’ve ever met. I love him more than anything. I feel like the biggest jerk alive, and I can’t apologize enough for—“

“Stop saying you’re sorry. You’ve already apologized enough to the person that deserves to hear it, and he forgave you, right?”

I snapped my head up to look at Kuroo, and I felt the blood rushing through my face. Daichi shuffled us to a more private corner on the ice before the other man continued speaking.

“Bo loves hard, Akaashi-san, and I have never seen my best friend love somebody like he loves you. When you pulled that shit, I had to break into his apartment and haul his ass out of bed myself.”

“It’s not breaking in if he gave you a key,” Daichi added quietly. 

“You nearly broke his heart,” Kuroo went on. “Bo is a drama king. He pouts during our games, becomes the happiest man on earth when he sees food, his moods are always changing. But this was something entirely new than getting down on himself from a bad play. You’re everything, to him. We haven’t seen him this torn up since Minako.”

“She was awful to him,” Daichi nodded, eyes dark. “She’d threaten their relationship almost daily, use Bo for whatever she wanted, and threw him around like trash.” Then, he looked me dead in the eye. “But I know you aren’t like her. I don’t sense anything in you that would want to hurt Bokuto the way she did.”

“Is Minako his ex?” I asked, voice strained. 

“That would be correct. But telling you about her is not something for Kuroo and me to do. Bo will tell you when he’s ready.”

“Fuck her, and fuck giving her any of our attention,” Kuroo spat. “Just hearing her name makes me sick.”

“Our point is,” Daichi said, voice much more gentle than his friend’s, “We know about everything that happened between you two. We are all pretty mad at first. But later we learned the full story from Bo, I think I we understand a little better.”

“I... I would never use him like that,” my chest clenched. Just what happened between Bokuto and this woman? “We’re equals in this relationship.”

“We know Akaashi-san, and as his best friends, if we really believed you were a terrible person, we wouldn’t have let him go for you.”

“Minako ruined him for her own selfish desires,” Kuroo shook his head. “You just jumped to conclusions and made a bad decision with good intentions.”

The breath I didn’t realize I was holding left my lungs in a long huff. Kuroo’s body language was furious almost, but I no longer felt like it was directed at me. 

“It was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.” I paused for a second, weaving pure confidence and conviction through my next words. “I’ve learned the hard way how anxiety has the power to control my decisions. I don’t want to leave him. Never have, never will.”

“He’s in love with you, you know,” Kuroo’s head fell to the side, lips wearing a small grin. “Buying that plane ticket was the easiest decision he’s ever made.”

“I’m very thankful that he made that decision,” were the only words I could conjure up, because my heart had officially exploded in my rib cage. 

“To make a long story short, we don’t hate you,” Daichi laughed softly, easing some more of the tension. 

Kuroo’s eyes flickered, “Just don’t hurt him again.”

“I’m so sorry you had to go through what you did, in another country on your own at that. Bo told us a little about your mom, but not much for your privacy’s sake. That kind of pressure must’ve been horrible.”

“Oh,” I mumbled, toeing at the ice. “I’m... y-yeah, I’m used to it. It’s okay.” The pitiful look in Daichi’s eyes would’ve angered me from anyone else, but for some reason it was comforting from him. 

“GUYS! I GOT TAKOYAKI FOR EVERYONE IN THE CAR!” Bokuto jumped into view behind the rink wall, skates under his arm. His other arm waved around over his head, eager to get our attention. 

“WE’LL BE RIGHT THERE!” Kuroo shot him a thumbs-up.

“If you ever need us,” Daichi put a hand in my shoulder, “We’ve got you. Iwa was supposed to be here today, but his dad’s very sick right now, so he had to help take care of him.”

I felt a dull, familiar ache then, one deep in my bones that hadn’t graced me with its presence in years. “Thank you. I appreciate it.”

“I’m only saying this because I know how much you overthink,” Kuroo snorted, “But I’m reminding you that we don’t hate you. Anyone important to Bo is important to us, and you’re a pretty cool friend if I do say so myself.”

“And you as well, Kuroo-san.”

“Every couple has their moments,” Daichi concluded. “I’m glad to see you won’t give up on him after one.”

“GUUUUYS! QUIT HOGGING MY BOYFRIEND!”

All three of us snickered, sharing amused smiles as we left the ice to meet Bokuto. 

—-

Bokuto shut the shower off, hopping out before me and wrapping a towel around his hips. 

I went to follow, but Bokuto blocked my path. “Wait here.”

My eyes followed each droplet of water that trickled down his neck, over those hard arms, and down the lines of his torso. I had half a mind to pounce on him again, but Bokuto took off before I got the chance. 

I flushed at my own thoughts. I knew better than this, but I just couldn’t help myself with him. Any more detours would make us late, and I wanted to make the best first impression on his parents. 

Bokuto came back a second later, a couple of towels in his hands. He drew up to me to wrap one around my hips, and the warm softness was almost enough to pull a moan out of me. 

“Did you warm these up for me?” 

“Of course I did! It’s so cold outside.”

“Bokuto,” I murmured, “You didn’t have to do that for me.”

“It’s no trouble, I promise.” Bokuto took my hand and pulled me out of the shower, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. “Let’s get dressed.”

Once we were both dry, Bokuto threw on some pants and a black crew neck. I didn’t miss the hickeys on his shoulders before they were covered by fabric.

I, on the other hand, had a harder time deciding what was appropriate to wear. Was I supposed to dress up when meeting his parents for the first time? Or should I go casual? I didn’t need to bring much from my apartment, considering most of my clothes were already here at his. 

Bokuto was a little startled by my anxiety over such a menial thing, but did his best to be supportive. It took me an hour to settle on some light jeans. Another nightmare later I pulled on a thick grey collar sweater.

When I went to debate on whether it was appropriate or not, Bokuto took me by the hand and shoved my arm out the door into the cold, and that was the end of that. 

I sat myself down between Bokuto’s legs, distracting myself with whatever videos I could find on my phone as he dried my hair.

“Whatcha lookin at?” He asked after a few minutes of silence. 

“Just videos of other figure skaters.”

“Oh, is that Fujiwara Aiko?”

My eyes popped open. “You recognized her?”

Bokuto wore an easy smile when I turned around. “You watch her all the time, and I know she’s your idol.”

Brows drawing together, I dropped my phone. “Did you by chance know who she was before you met me?”

“Hmm... Kind of, but only because my mom loves figure skating.”

“Oh? I think I remember you saying that earlier. Was she a figure skater herself?”

“Yup! Though I never knew anything about it until I met you. You basically taught me everything I know.”

“How long was she a skater?”

Bokuto laughed. “How about you ask her when you meet her later?”

I pursed my lips, avoiding his gaze. “I’m still nervous.”

Bokuto cast the towel aside before leaping out of his chair and tackling me. He pinned me beneath him, but by the time I saw him go for the hem of my shirt, it was too late. 

“GAAAAHHH!!!” The loud raspberries against my stomach tickled the sensitive skin. I shoved futilely at his chest, but nothing I did kept Bokuto from blowing them everywhere. 

“No more being nervous!” He declared in between raspberries. I cried for mercy with each one.

“STOOOOP!! IT TICKLES!!”

“Not until you stop being nervous!”

I wasn’t prepared for when his fingers started jabbing my ribs. Tears sprung into my eyes, and I just knew my face was red and a mess. And then I remembered the strength of my legs.

I clamped them down on Bokuto’s sides. He paused mid-tickle, eyeing me. Before he could say anything I squeezed him with all my might and threw him sideways, rolling him onto his back so I could get on top of him. 

Bokuto’s hands found their way to my hips, eyes darkening. “Well, this was a nice turn of events.”

“Shut up,” I said, trying not to let on how much I was internally combusting. “Now where are you ticklish? I need revenge.”

“Telling you wouldn’t be fun,” Bokuto leaned back, folding his arms behind his head. “How about you find out yourself?”

His hips bucked ever so slightly beneath me, pulling a small yelp from me. I could feel my ears burning. 

“T-this wasn’t supposed to-“

“We’ve got time before we need to leave.”

I had to bite hard on my bottom lip to withhold my urge to scream _fuck me_ until I got my way. I was so, so ready for him.

“B-bokuto?”

Bokuto sat up, his expression losing its lusty haze. “What’s wrong, Akaashi? We don’t have to do anything. Don’t feel bad if you don’t want to.”

“Nothing’s wrong, I just...I want... I want you.”

“You have me, Kaashi. I’m not going everywhere.”

“No, no,” I shook my head and let out a sigh, pulling my thoughts into words. "I want to go all the way with you. I'm ready."

Something clicked behind Bokuto’s eyes, which went wide with surprise. “Akaashi, are you sure? You don’t have to, you don’t owe it to me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not because I don’t want to— trust me, I _really_ want to. I want you badly, but I can wait as long as you need."

My tentative hands came to rest on his shoulders and I rested my forehead against his. “I’m ready Bokuto, and I really want you too.”

His lips were on mine in an instant, warm and comforting. I opened my mouth at his silent request and let his taste spill over my lips. I was craving him, addicted to his heat wrapped around me. Bokuto leaned away before I got completely lost in him. 

“If you’re sure, then I’m ready for you. Anytime you want. Just not right this second.”

I couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit disappointed. “Why not now?”

“I don’t want you to be sore while you’re meeting my parents,” he laughed, pressing kisses up and down my neck. “But after tonight, say the word and I’ll give you what you want.”

“O-oh. I’m sorry I asked.”

“Don’t be, Kaashi. But for now,” his hand slipped down between my thighs and I sucked in a gasp. “Should I take care of this?”

“You better.”

The exhilaration of a time limit lingering over us, I crashed our mouths together once again.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! im wishing all of you a great holiday season, my gift to you will be smutty and (mostly) happy next chapters. bokutos' family makes me melt
> 
> feel free to drop a comment! im doing my best to respond bc they make me so happy <3


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im just gonna start out these notes with an apology, because you guys deserve one. 
> 
> i am truly sorry for the hiatus i ended up taking. it wasn't my intention at all, and i feel like a grade-a asshole for vanishing for weeks without a word. truth be told, i had this chapter written and ready to go weeks ago, but long story short my notes app crashed. i was so upset about it that i literally just gave up and let all the other shit in my life start to fester into more anxiety. and with my chronic migraines it was getting hard to sit for long periods time at a screen. pls remember to take breaks kids
> 
> anyways, im really sorry again, and i hope everyone had a good holiday break. this is a little bit of a pointless chapter but it's okay bc things may or may not get ugly next chapter. regularly scheduled updates will be happening again soon, i think maybe i just needed a breather. thank you so much to everyone that has checked in on me and continued to read this work. this story occupies my brain 25/8 honestly

“Alright, alright!” I pleaded, unable to contain my own laughter, “We’re really going to be late now.”

“She can wait a few minutes,” Bokuto protested, emphasizing his disagreement by burying his face between my shoulder blades. He was practically draped over my back while I stood in front of his bathroom mirror, desperately trying to tame my hair after all our... _activities._

I raked my hand through my hair and winced when I caught a knot. “Are you serious? What kind of first impression would that be? I sort of want her to _like_ me, you know!”

“I don’t think being a few minutes late will kill her opinion of you, Kaashi. She was a figure skater too, remember? Just tell her you got caught up in your primping and she’ll understand.” I felt him snort against my neck when I shot him a look. He pressed a kiss behind my ear, “Even though you look amazing all the time.”

“You are so lucky you’re cute,” I rinsed my hands under the sink and went about putting away the products on the counter. “Are you ready?”

“Truck’s already warmed up for us.” An easy smile spread across my face. Of course he would do something so considerate. I thanked him and exited the bathroom to go grab my things, though I didn’t make it far before a playful slap was delivered to my ass.

I whirled around, feeling my cheeks burn. “B-Bokuto!”

“What?” He put his hands up, but the smirk on his face gave him away.

“You know what.” I tried my best to glare at him, but he knew how to crack me way too easily. I was smiling again in an instant.

“It’s your fault for having such a nice ass.” Bokuto shrugged and started walking out of his bedroom.

I followed after him, pretending to be annoyed, when an idea popped into my head. Bokuto leaned down to get his phone and keys from the coffee table, and I took the moment of vulnerability to give him a slap in return.

“Hey, that’s no fair!”

“How is that not fair? You left yourself vulnerable,” I argued, picking up the flowers and box of sweets for his mother. “We’re even now.”

I nearly dropped everything when his hand squeezed my thigh, fingers dragging up the backs of my legs. The touch sent shivers down my spine.

Warm breath touched my neck, a pair of lips brushed my throat before Bokuto gave the skin a gentle nip. Voice dropping dangerously, he began, “You know...”

“Absolutely not!” I shoved my hand in his face, scrambling to put distance between us before things got carried away. “Oh my god, we are _so_ late, we have to go.”

Bokuto’s bottom lip stuck out in a pout. I literally had to look away to keep myself from giving in. How was he _this_ cute and hot at the same time? Truly an anomaly, if you asked me.

I gave him the sternest look I could muster. “Truck. Now. Maybe later, if you behave.”

The possibility alone got him dashing out of the apartment.

———

I didn’t pay too much attention to the drive there, content with listening to Bokuto butcher a Taylor Swift song while I worked on getting my info backed up onto my new phone. Oikawa, Suga, Hinata, and Kenma flooded me with messages to inform me they missed me. Even Kuroo, Daichi, and Iwaizumi checked up on me. It felt strange, but not unwelcome. I felt a little less alone.

I was answering some emails from Coach and Takeda about preparations for Russia when a change in scenery caught my eye. The city seemed to thin, skyline filling out with trees and wispy clouds.

“Pretty out here, isn’t it?” Bokuto’s eyes darted to me when I shifted in my seat.

“Yeah, it is. I can’t remember the last time I visited a rural prefecture.”

“Things are so busy in Tokyo that we get caught up in it. You don’t realize how much you need the breath of fresh air until your lungs are full of it.”

“How often do you drive out here?”

“As much as I can, it’s only like a thirty minute drive so I try to take advantage. Plus, it makes things easier on my parents if I help them watch Sou.”

“You must be a pretty good sitter then,” I chuckled.

“Something like that.” Bokuto laughed, but the sound was lacking its usual twinkle. “My parents are picky about who they leave him with, especially right now.”

My memory brought my thoughts to that night in China, and all of the unanswered questions I still had. “Why especially now?” I pressed gently, “Is everything okay?”

“He’s...fine.”

“It doesn’t sound like he’s fine.”

Something flashed over his eyes, hard and thoughtful, before his usual smile returned. “Everything’s fine! Don’t worry about a thing.”

I slumped back into the heated seat, taking that as my cue to drop it. If he really was fine, then why couldn’t he tell me? What could Bokuto be carrying that prompted him to hide it from me?

The fact that I was being left in the dark about these things settled heavily around me like silt.

We started passing gated houses, big and small alike, when I noticed Bokuto start to get jittery. It wasn’t often I saw him get like this, fingers twitching on the wheel, eyes jumping from spot to spot. I’d learned long ago that this was a telltale sign of nervousness for him.

“Bokuto,” I asked softly as not to startle him, “What’s wrong?”

It didn’t work. He still jumped in his seat, but he seemed to calm down when he remembered it was just me. “Oh, nothing. I’m just excited.”

“Is that all?”

“Yup!”

I cocked a brow at him, the tone of his voice far from believable.

“Well, there was one little thing...”

“And that little thing was...”

We came to a stop in a huge driveway, tall metal gates before us. Bokuto shut off the car and leaned over to kiss me on the cheek. “It was just one little detail about my mom I thought you should know.”

I couldn’t help my confusion as we drove through the gate, and parked under a sleek wood car port on the side of the house.

I went to ask just what that detail was, but Bokuto was out of the truck and opening my door in the blink of an eye. Taking his hand, I let him help me out. “What is it?”

“Uh, well, you’re gonna find out when we get inside anyway, so let’s go!”

Despite the uneasiness building in my gut, I grabbed the gifts and let him lead me around the front. The house was gorgeous from the outside, elegant shades of brown, broad windows. Oh, and it was huge.

Just what did this family do for a living?

The sound of rippling water gave way to a koi pond that wrapped around the front of the house when we walked to the entrance. The front door was solid wood, a wide stretch of intricate carvings that mesmerized me.

I traced a finger over one of the lines. “Wow, this is beautiful work.”

“Isn’t it cool? It took dad almost a year to make!”

My brows shot up, “He made it?”

Bokuto nodded, opening the door and stepping back. “Yeah! It’s just something he really likes doing, making things from wood.”

I stepped inside, Bokuto closing the door behind us. “Is he a carpenter?”

“Sort of.” Bokuto threw his keys onto the entry table of the biggest foyer I’ve ever been in. I followed him when he kicked his shoes off. “He does it on the side here in the garage.”

Bokuto took our coats and went through a door to the right, which appeared to be a den. When he came back he took my by the hand and into the main area of the house.

Inside was just as breathtaking as outside. High ceilings, polished wood floors, pristine white walls, and a pair of doors that looked suspiciously like an elevator near the staircase.

“Do you need anything? Food? Drink? Bathroom? Cold or hot?”

“I’m alright,” I giggled, shooing him away when he started to hover over my shoulder. It was sort of endearing how eager he was to make me comfortable. “I promise.”

“Okay, just checking. It’s just that...” he pulled at his fingers, “Earlier I know you were super nervous, and I don’t like seeing you upset. I wanna make sure you feel supported with me.”

My heart did a flip-flop of admiration in my chest. When I recovered, I caught sight of him shifting from foot to foot. “You look a little nervous yourself, Bokuto. Is there something I’m not aware of?”

“Well, it’s no big deal, but it’s about my mom.”

He didn’t have the chance to continue, because a sudden burst of shouts cut him off.

I watched, puzzled as ever, as the sliding glass door in the dining room was yanked open, to reveal a small child, wisps of snow in his unruly black hair. He stepped inside, yelling for Bokuto, walking around to find him.

Well, more like hobbling, a single crutch under his arm. Though it was hard to choose what aspect to focus on with the way this kid looked ready to scream.

“Sou!” Bokuto was at his side in an instant, kneeling to thoroughly inspect him. “What were you doing out there by yourself?”

“I can go in the yard all by myself! Mommy said so!”

Bokuto’s voice dipped into his responsible-big-brother tone, “So if I go get her right now she’ll tell me the same thing?”

“No!” The little boy jumped, quick to defend himself. “I—she...”

“That’s what I thought,” Bokuto snorted, giving his brother’s hair a ruffle. “Next time, just please tell mommy before you go outside. What if you fell in the pool and nobody was there to help you?”

“But I know how to swim Kou!”

“Even with this thing?” He tapped the brace on the younger boy’s leg.

“The doctor said to never ever go swimming in the cast!”

“Exactly right, Sou.”

Sou nodded thoughtfully, as if taking great consideration for this information, before completely changing topics. “Kou-Kou, I’m hungry!”

“Well once mom comes down we can make dinner, but don’t you want to meet Akaashi first?”

Round golden eyes lit up like stars, “Akaashi-san is coming to our house today!?”

Bokuto smiled fondly at his little brother and it melted my heart. “He’s already here, knuckle-head.”

Sou’s face contorted with the most incredulous look I’ve ever seen on a child, whipping his head around as if he didn’t believe his big brother until his gaze locked on me.

I took that as my cue to do something. I wasn’t good with little kids in the slightest excluding Natsu, but somehow I already felt a soft spot growing on me for Sou. Kneeling next to Bokuto, I offered him a smile. “Hello, Sou-chan. It’s very nice to meet you.”

Tiny arms with unexpected strength were thrown around my neck, Sou nearly knocking me over with the brunt force of his hug.

_“Sou!”_ Bokuto hissed, lunging to grab his little brother, “You have to ask before you hug people you’ve never met!”

Laughter falling from my lips, I waved him away. “It’s alright, Bokuto. I’ve talked to him so many times over the phone I feel like I’ve known him long enough.” Sou smelled like cold wind and the faint sweetness of women’s perfume, which I assumed was from hugging his mother. I gave his back a few gentle pats until he was ready to let go.

“Do you like Mario, Akaashi-san?”

“I’ve never played a Mario game before. Is it your favorite?”

“Yeah!” Sou cheered, though something in the way his lips pursed gave way to other concerns. “You’ve never played a Mario game?”

“How about we find mom first and then we go play?” Bokuto jumped in, “Aren’t you super hungry?”

“Yes!” Sou gasped like he’d just remembered something important, eyes growing wide.

“Can you go wait in the kitchen for us?” Sou obeyed his brother, moving back to the kitchen, while Bokuto did something on his phone and put it away. When we stood back up he let out a sigh, dropping his head on my shoulder. “He gives me a heart attack sometimes.”

“He seems like a tough kid,” I kissed his temple. “How in the world did he end up in that cast?”

Bokuto stiffened beside me, and a second later he stepped away, putting a strange distance between us I wasn’t used to.

“I’m sorry,” I quickly said, taking a cautious half-step toward him. “I shouldn’t have asked something like that without—“

Bokuto’s lips held a shaky smile that looked moments away from crumbling. “No, you’re okay. He just got hurt doing kid stuff, like most kids do. Everything’s okay.” He walked to the kitchen, mumbling to himself as if he was trying to convince himself that was true.

_"Everything’s okay"_. He’s been saying that a lot lately.

“Koutarou? Sou?”

“Kitchen, mom!” I heard Bokuto call out. He looped an arm over my shoulders when I came to his side, pulling me close and erasing any previous tension. He turned to me, “I hope you’re hungry. She’s gonna make you eat.”

“Fine by me,” I murmured. “Bokuto, what was that thing you were trying to tell me earlier?”

I didn’t catch whatever Bokuto said, if he said anything. I was plucked out of his arms and whipped into another body. When the room stopped spinning, I found myself in the arms of a short woman.

The Bokuto family’s love language was _definitely_ physical touch.

She squeezed me until my back popped, swinging me from side to side. “Oh, it’s about time you bring your boyfriend home Koutarou!” The small woman released me, clamping her hands down on my shoulders, and when I met her eyes, I felt my mouth go completely dry.

She wasn’t wearing any makeup, but that didn’t make her any less stunning or recognizable. Her sons had her wild black hair, which was long and tumbling down her shoulders. Instead of a brilliant red dress and figure skates, she wore house slippers and a cozy fleece.

I gaped at her, convinced my mind was playing some sort of trick on me. But those fiery blue eyes were unmistakable.

My jaw hit the floor, and I barely caught the worried little “Akaashi-san?” she called to me.

Bokuto came to stand behind her, smiling sheepishly at me. “So...” he rubbed his neck, “This was the thing!”

She whipped her head around to look at her son, “What thing?”

I didn’t know what to do. My heart was pounding so hard I was worried it would burst. I wanted to run, or to scream, or to cry. Most of all, I wanted to strangle Bokuto for withholding this little tidbit of _information._

I spoke slowly, scared my own voice would deceive me. “You—you’re...” My eyes moved warily between mother and son, and when I spoke again, my voice cracked so hard it was laughable. " _...Fujiwara Aiko?_ ”

“It’s Bokuto Aiko now!” The former Olympian corrected with a smile, brandishing the ring on her left finger. “But that would be correct.”

Someone might as well have ripped open my throat and sliced my vocal cords, because I couldn’t utter a single thing as my childhood figure skating idol pulled me into yet another embrace.

——

If someone had told me a few months ago I’d be having tea with my idol, in her own home, let alone in her home, I would have laughed in their face.

Well, here we are.

Aiko and I were settled in the living room together, curled up on the leather couch as we clasped hot mugs in our hands. For the first half hour I could barely utter a single word as I was too busy trying to convince myself this was a dream, but she didn’t seem to mind.

However, Aiko wasn’t exactly as intimidating as she was on the ice when she spoke. She was sweet, witty, and as welcome as a warm hug. She also gave a lot of non-metaphorical warm hugs, and it woke something up in me. Maybe nostalgia or maybe longing. I figured it was the latter considering I rarely hugged my own mother.

Sad and distant feelings aside, the shock eventually started to clear, and I could feel myself warming up to her.

We talked about anything in everything, relaying stories about our figure skating experiences. Apparently back in China, she’d gotten in contact with Coach and sent him a VIP pass in her name, to help get Bokuto into the event. It all started to come together, the weird open-ended inquired about that weekend revealing their answers.

She may be a little rowdy like her sons, but Aiko had a comforting tameness in her body. Every time she smiled, the soft lines of her face told the story of women who never went a day without laughter. And when she brought up her husband, sons, and twin daughters (that was new), it was even more evident.

“I cannot believe that boy,” she scoffed, lifting her cup to her lips. “I ask him to tell you _one_ thing and it ‘slips his mind?’ I swear he’d lose his head if it weren’t attached to his shoulders.”

“Y-you wanted him to tell me?” Damn this stupid stutter! “I thought he was trying to surprise me.”

“I sort of did. It wasn’t so much as a status thing as it was something I knew we had in common. I thought maybe if you knew you’d feel a little more comfortable with me,” she lowered the mug and gave a kind smile. “Koutarou told me you have a hard time with nerves sometimes.”

“I do,” I peered down into my cup. “It’s sort of embarrassing considering my career.”

“Being nervous isn’t embarrassing, Akaashi-san. If anything I think it makes you a better performer. From what I’ve seen, you do a spectacular job at channeling your emotions onstage.”

I felt my face brighten like a child’s. “You really mean that?”

“Why would I tell you if I didn’t?”

I sighed heavily, sinking back into the couch. “This still feels unreal to me. You’re literally my hero, Aiko-san. When I was little I always said I wanted to skate just like you.”

“You are a very talented performer, Akaashi-san, but that’s not because you wanted to skate like me. You did what smart skaters do. You absorb style and technique through watching those around you, and now you skate like _you_. I think that’s the best thing a skater can do.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, thumbing the rim of my cup. “I’m hoping I can get back on my game before Rostelecom Cup.”

“How are you feeling now?” Aiko leaned forward, putting a hand over mine. Her eyes filled with concern. “Koutarou told me a little bit about what happened in China.”

I didn’t know whether to bow and vigorously apologize for having a fight with her son, or to start babbling excuses as to why my performance that night was so shitty. Instead I just combined the two.

“I am so sorry you had to see that,” I rubbed my face with my hand after I pulled it away from hers. “I wasn’t paying attention and my mind was a mess and I just...” I sighed, “My performance suffered and it was all my fault.”

Aiko clicked her tongue, making me peek at her through my fingers. “You young athletes and your self-criticism. You think all everyone ever sees is the bad.”

“That’s all some people see.”

“If you think about it yes,” I felt the couch dip as she scooted closer, “But aren’t the people that matter the ones who choose to look beyond that?”

“But still my performance...” She pulled my hand off my face and smiled at me.

“Let’s not talk about that for now. I asked how _you_ are doing, not how you did.”

I swallowed the lump developing in my throat. “I—Do you know everything that happened?”

“Pressure can force us into a corner in our worst moments,” she said calmly. “It presses us to say things we don’t mean out of fear. I’ve been there, Akaashi-san. I’ve been there and I’ve had that fight with my own husband.” Aiko shot me a glare, poking me playfully on the shoulder. “Stop looking at me like that!”

“Like what?”

“Like I’m gonna rip your head off! I’m telling you I know everything and it’s okay. I might come off like a harsh parent but I’m not like that. Koutarou has told me a lot about you, and I’ve seen your character through your interviews. You made a mistake, it’s alright, I _know_ what that feels like.”

I felt the tension slowly unravel from my shoulders. “I really wasn’t in a good place, it wasn’t my best moment. But I was so scared you’d hate me, and you wouldn’t approve of me being with your son.”

“I approve of whatever makes my son happy. If I didn’t feel like you were a good person you’d be on your ass in my driveway by now.”

My spine straightened a little at that, eyes peeling open. “Duly noted, Aiko-san.”

"Though if it's alright, I do have something to ask of you Akaashi-san."

I met her eyes, which bore a newfound seriousness into me. "Ask away."

"Please, just take care of my son. Koutarou is my baby, and as his mother I want the best for him. His last relationship was... well, it was very damaging to say the least. But you are nothing like her, and Koutarou's friends saw this as well." Aiko sighed, the corners of her lips dropping slightly. "Just... please try to be patient with him and be there for him. When it comes to giving affection, he has no issue. He needs to receive it, _deserves_ to receive it in return, but sometimes I feel he'd rather die than ask."

Part of me was hesitant to believe that, but the more I considered it, the more it rang true. Bokuto was so diligent with tending to my needs, but when was the last time he let someone else tend to his? He was always...giving. He woke up every morning and chose to give, no matter what he got in return. My chest squeezed.

"I promise," I said, looking at Aiko with a new confidence. "I'll always look out for him, and do my best to give him what he needs. 

Aiko was quiet for a moment, but the grateful smile and peaceful sigh spoke volumes. “You’ve recovered well, yes?” Aiko gestured to my ankle, nudging the subject along.

“It’s been a tight schedule, but I’m good to go again, I laughed, sipping my hot tea. “I’m not feeling one-hundred percent yet, but I’m hoping that changes before I’m on the plane.”

“Well whatever happens, just know that I’m rooting for you.” I smiled gratefully at her. “What in particular is feeling off? Maybe I can help.”

I tucked my feet under me as I snuggled against the couch, touching them subconsciously. “My feet feel a bit tight...”

“That’s likely from being out of your boots for so long.” She leaned forward to set her cup down on the coffee table, “And I think I have just the thing for you.” As she made her way to the stairs she called over her shoulder, “Wait right here.”

I did what I was told, taking note of the suspicious silence I hadn’t noticed earlier. How was it this quiet with two young athletes under the same roof?

It felt so comfortable under this roof. So comfortable around this family. But, why did something still feel so off?

There were still details hidden in the patchwork. I wanted to just ask Aiko myself about Sou’s injury and the car crash article I saw that night, but something held me back. This was just like that mysterious ex-girlfriend of Bokuto’s. Why was everyone skirting around the truth, and why couldn’t I know?

“KOUTAROU! SOU! GET YOUR NOSES OUT OF THAT FRIDGE THIS INSTANT!”

I was ripped out of my own thoughts, head snapping around to find Aiko storming into the kitchen. She disappeared behind the wall for a moment, and reappeared with two boys sulking with their heads down behind her. For such a short woman, she really had a way of rocking the room.

“What did I say about snacks before dinner?”

“But we’re starving!” Sou wailed. Bokuto nodded helplessly behind him, and I had to bite my cheek to contain my laughter.

“You stole Akaashi from us!”

“Don’t whine, Koutarou. You’re just jealous because Akaashi-san and I hit it off so well.”

“Yeah, because I’m jealous of my mom—“

“Don’t get sarcastic with me young man—“

“Can we make dinner already?” Sou’s head popped in and out of the conversation, just desperate to inform everyone that he was dying of hunger.

Laughing to myself, I set my cup down and went to crouch next to him. “Sou-chan, what are we making for dinner?”

Forgetting the endearing banter overhead, the little boy grinned wide enough to force his eyes shut. “We’re making dumplings! Have you ever made dumplings before!?”

“I can’t say I have,” I smiled back at him, “Can you show me everything we need? The ingredients and the tools?”

“Yes!!! It’s all in the kitchen!!”

“To the kitchen then,” I stood up with a grunt. He stared at me idly, arms swaying at his sides. “Can you walk okay on your own, Sou-chan?”

Sou swayed on his feet, eyes deep with thought. “I can, but Kou-Kou gives me piggy back rides sometimes...” He looked at anything but me, and when I did catch his gaze, I could see the little flicker of hope in his eyes.

“I could give you a piggy-back ride if you’d like.”

“Really!?!” He gasped, “Akaashi-san will give me a piggy back ride!?!”

“I can’t promise it’ll be as good as your brother’s though,” I chuckled, crouching back down. The minute I was in Sou’s grasp I was climbed like a tree. All the random kicks to my back and tugs to my sweater didn’t even bother me, though it was a relief when he finally announced he was secure. I held his cast with an almost nonexistent grip as not to hurt him.

“Akaashi-san, do you like soy sauce?”

“Mhm,” I bummed, moving us into the kitchen.

“Me too!! Akaashi-san, do you like ginger too?”

“I do like ginger. But I didn’t like it when I was younger.”

“But ginger stings your tongue!”

I cocked a brow at that, “It stings?”

“He’s trying to say that it’s too spicy for him.” Bokuto slipped into the kitchen, Aiko not far behind. He glared at his younger brother, “You done stealing my boyfriend now little man?”

“I’m gonna teach Akaashi-san how to make dumplings!” Sou shouted a tad too close to my ear. Bokuto seemed to catch that, taking it as his chance to wrangle the little boy off my back. He stuck his to you out at his older brother before seeking his mother.

Bokuto’s arms fell around my waist, his chest spreading warmth along my back. “So how was your little tea time?”

I leaned back into his embrace. “Mm, really great. Your mom is nice. Although I’m a little mad at you for pulling what you did.”

“Please don’t be mad at me,” I wheezed in what felt like the millionth tight hug today, rubbing Bokuto’s forearms to comfort him. “I thought it would be a fun surprise.”

“A fun heart attack maybe,” I snorted when his eyes went wide and pecked his chin. “But seriously, this is really nice. Thank you for inviting me here today and for making me feel so accepted.”

“You’re always accepted here Akaashi,” Bokuto nosed at my hair, nuzzling the top of my head. “I told you before and I’ll tell you again.”

There was a slight tug in my gut, but I felt it was best for the situation to suppress it, for now. I wanted to enjoy my time with everyone to the fullest.

But after we left, I was finally going to break that wall separating me from that piece of Bokuto. I couldn’t handle being in the dark anymore.

I had to try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIII!! Surprise!! I made a writing Instagram!! It’s @raywritesstuff, the same as this handle. Feel free to follow me there to chat, see updates, or send me requests to write!! 
> 
> none of y'all are mentally prepared for next chapter. hell im not even prepared and im the one who wrote it.
> 
> thank you times a million for all of the kudos, bookmarks, and most of all the sweet comments. im doing a lot better now that i have the focus to write, and i hope each and every single one of you is chugging along and doing great. i could rant in these notes for days about how much i'd like to ram my head into a wall right now but you don't come here to listen to me complain!!!!! let's focus on the positives this week, yeah?
> 
> hope you enjoyed the update! lots of love,  
> -Ray


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> helloooo, and happy new year everyone!!! how is everyone!?!? my neighbor got exposed to someone who tested positive for Covid, and didn’t find out until after I got near them, so guess who’s quarantined now🥲 
> 
> i wanna throw hands w whoever came up with the concept of online school. 
> 
> anyways, I hope everyone is doing amazing!! here’s my first on time update in a while pls done hate me❤️

After hanging out with Bokuto’s family late into last night, Coach’s text asking to move my session to later in the day had me screaming Hallelujah. Our quick dinner turned into hours of laughing, sharing stories, and eating our weight in the best gyoza I’ve ever had. 

Bokuto’s father was out for work, but Aiko had more than enough energy to spare. Even after little Sou couldn’t keep his eyes open, she invited us to stay longer, to get to know each other. It was a tad embarrassing, considering I already knew so much about her as a fan. Sooner or later I was going to have to chew Bokuto out for real.

My bedroom was illuminated with only late morning light, streaks running over the pages of my book while pans clicked and clattered in the kitchen. Only after Bokuto confirmed I was still at his side in bed, did he jump up to make us breakfast. 

Reclining against the pillows, I lay back with my knees up to hold my book. I wiggled my toes beneath the blanket and couldn’t help the relieved sigh that left my mouth. Aiko had gifted me a pair of compression socks specifically designed to treat figure skater feet, and they were _amazing._

Part of me wanted to hop up and help Bokuto in the kitchen, but something else kept me here. It wasn’t the slight ache in my hips, courtesy of Bokuto’s thick fingers, and it wasn’t that I was still tired. 

I knew if I got up I’d want to check my phone again. And right now there was a certain message I really wasn’t prepared to read. 

Seeing the banner announcing my mother’s text message practically paralyzed me last night, considering how hard I ran into the door on our way inside. It was like my most dreadful wish had come true. Her silence was finally broken, but what did that mean for me?

Sliding in my bookmark, I shut the novel and groped around the sheets until I found Bokuto’s phone, typing in the password and going through the contacts until I found the name I wanted. 

“Morning, Bokuto-kun. I’m getting ready to start my shift, but did you need something?”

“It’s me Koushi,” I replied. Ever since Suga and Bokuto got to spend some time with each other in China, they became very good friends. Suga now taught him some of his vast baking knowledge whenever they got the chance to meet, and I’d lost count of how many times they wrecked my kitchen. 

“Keiji! What’s up? You want me to bring you something to eat?”

“Thank you, but Bokuto’s working on something for us right now. I don’t need anything, but I kind of just wanted to talk.”

Suga paused, not missing the way my voice dipped pitifully. “Tell me what happened.”

“She texted me,” I pulled my glasses off and rubbed at my eyes. “Last night at like midnight.”

“What?” The annoyed snarl was evident in Suga’s voice. “What the fuck did she want? Its not like she batted an eye when you were in the _hospital_ .”

“We were in another country, there’s not much she could do.”

“Like she’d do anything if you were home.”

“Koushi—“

“Cut the crap, I’ll tell it to her face one day. What did she want?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat, “I–I haven’t opened it yet, but I think we can make an assumption.”

Suga clicked his tongue. “I don’t want to make assumptions. If she’s got something to say she can say it to your face, and I’m coming with you.” 

The sound of the door opening brought my attention above my knees. Bokuto peeked in, quietly informing me food was ready. I mouthed that I needed a second when he asked what was wrong.

Not buying it, Bokuto lowered himself in front of me on the bed. Crawling forward, his hands came to rest on the outsides of my legs, and his head popped out between my thighs. Despite the rocky topic I let out a laugh. 

“I just—I don’t know Koushi, I don’t really think I want to talk to her,” I ran my free hand through Bokuto’s hair as comfort when he frowned at me, eyes worried. “What if we fight? What if she’s furious with me? Oh my god, she is definitely mad at me. How am I supposed to fix this? I can’t get into another–“

Suga cut me off, “There’s nothing we can do about her attitude. But what the fuck, Keiji? You don’t deserve to lay down and take this, and you’re already trying to make it up to  her?  I can’t let you do that to yourself again.”

“I can’t just ignore her though,” I argued, rolling my thumb over Bokuto’s cheek. His arms wrapped around my legs, hugging them tight. “Maybe if we meet in a public place she won’t get too angry.”

“You know what? Don’t answer read that text. Don’t even answer it.”

“Koushi...”

“No, I’m serious! Make her put in the fucking effort for you for once in her life and have her come to you when she doesn’t get her way. I’m done watching you play her games. It’s time that you put an end to this shit once and for all.”

My heart lurched in my chest, and not in the good way. I gave Bokuto an apologetic look after tugging his hair on accident. “Now isn’t the time to try it fix things with her. It’s the middle of the season and this is all she wants. Maybe after World I can think of something—“

“Do you want to fix this or not?” The harshness in Suga’s voice made me wince.

“Of course I do. I want to fix it so badly.”

“Then here’s your wake up call, Keiji. I love you, but I’m done watching you roll over for her. It’s about time you decide if you’re competing for _you_ or _her._ ”

I let my head fall back to the pillows so I could avoid Bokuto’s gaze. “After Rostelecom. I want to try after, but I want to talk to you guys first. I think I’m going to need you all.”

“You know we’ll always be there to back you up,” Suga’s voice softened, “You can do this Keiji. You have to, for yourself.”

Smiling, I told my friend I understood and hung up, looking back at Bokuto. “Sorry for using your phone without asking. I just didn’t want to use mine because...you know...” I shrugged, unable to find words. 

“You don’t need to ask.” Bokuto reached around my legs and gently grabbed my chin, lifting my head. “I understand, Kaash. Whatever you need from me, I’ll give you.”

“Thank you,” I breathed. Bokuto kissed the tips of my fingers when I rubbed at his bottom lip. “This just isn’t something I’m ready to face today.”

“That’s okay! We don’t have to talk about it, unless you want to. I’m just happy to be here with you, I don’t care what we do.”

I giggled, the sound blending into a yawn. “Even if I sleep and bite you to death? I’m still tired from last night’s party.”

“Well...” A faint blush painted Bokuto’s complexion, his lips trailing down my thigh. “If you really wanna sleep, I could make you more tired...”

A grin pulled at my lips. I squeezed my legs together, smooshing his cheeks. “Or I could suffocate you.”

“Go ahead.” The corners of Bokuto’s mouth pulled up, one going higher than the other. He nipped at my thigh. “I will wholeheartedly enjoy it.”

Laughter loud enough to cramp my stomach shook my shoulders, i thumped his forehead playfully and rolled off the bed, ignoring the dissatisfied whines that followed. “C’mon, Bokuto. The food’s going to get cold and I’m starving.”

Bokuto hopped up like eager to please, grabbing my hand and pulling me out to the kitchen.

I was admittedly a little dodgy with Bokuto this morning, skirting around any questions he asked about my conversation with Suga while we set the table. His intentions were good as always, but I didn’t want to worry him.

On the other hand, that didn’t completely stop me from worrying about _him._ His mother’s words came to the forefront of my mind as I scooped the rice, how she asked me to take care of him. Without a doubt I would, of course, but something had to have happened to bring her to ask that, right?

It had to be this mysterious ex, I was sure of it. 

That didn’t feel like a good topic to start on first thing in the morning, but I made myself a promise and I was going to keep it. I decided to approach with something else, a little gentler, after we sat down. 

”Hey,” I called, lifting my tea to my lips. “Can i ask you something?”

The athlete froze mid-mouthful, haunting his rampage to shove as much food into his mouth as possible to give me his attention. 

I mulled over my words for another moment, hiding behind the steam. “I’m sorry if this makes you uncomfortable. I know it’s a sore subject for you, and you don’t have to answer, but I’m just worried.” I set the cup down slowly, looking at him squarely with tentative eyes. “Sou, his leg...there’s more to it, isn’t there?”

Bokuto dropped his eyes, shaking his head. “No, not at all,” he took another bite of food, and I could feel how hard he was trying to dodge. “He was just playing.”

“Just playing?” Bokuto went rigid across from me, but the anxiety of having something kept from me was now fueling my actions. “He’s been in a cast for nearly half a year because he was playing?”

“That’s what I said, isn’t it?” An uneasy smile that didn’t reach his eyes twisted his face. “I told you, he’s okay. Everything’s okay. Do you think I’m lying to you?”

“I know you’re lying to me,” I said, harsher than I intended. Bokuto grimaced, eyes squeezing shut. “Bokuto,” I covered my hand with his on the table, voice gentler, “You know I saw that article about some accident. You don’t need to hide things from me.”

Bokuto’s hand jerked out from under mine, he looked in pain. “You don’t get it Akaashi,” he quickly said, his face seeming to fight a war between guilt and frustration. “I told you what I wanted you to know.”

“But you shouldn’t feel like you have to hide things from me,” I urged, reaching for his hand again and squeezing it. “You taught me to open up, and I want you to be able to do the same.”

“ _I can’t_ ,”  he pulled his hand away again before getting up from the table, clearing his dishes and depositing them in the sink. 

I got to my feet, following right behind him in a hurry. “Why can’t you? This doesn’t feel fair, Bokuto. I told you everything about me—my mom, my dad,— I was vulnerable to you and I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong to make you think you can’t too—“

“Stop, Akaashi!”

I halted in front of him, too taken aback by his sudden firmness to speak. 

He dropped his elbow to the counter, burying his face in his hand. “God, I’m a fucking asshole. I’m too much of a coward to tell you the truth and I make you feel like  you’re  the one who’s done something wrong. What the fuck is wrong with me?”

The dejected voice he mumbled in whipped me to action, and I rushed to his side. “There is nothing wrong with you Bokuto,” I put my hands on his forearm, coaxing him to look at me. “I’m just getting worried about you. Sometimes when you talk about this you get this fake smile on your face and it looks like you’re hiding behind this mask of fake happiness and I hate seeing you like that. I hate it so much. I hate that you’re hiding it from me.”

Bokuto shrugged me off him, head dropping as he turned his back to me. As he sunk into himself, I realized what I’d just done. I pushed him. I prodded and poked for the truth to come out without so much as a second thought about him being ready or not. How could I ever expect him to be vulnerable with me now after this? 

“Bokuto,” I touched his shoulder, only to be pushed off again. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up, not like this. We don’t have to talk about it anymore, I’ll never bring it up again.”

Bokuto’s pathetic chuckle pulled the words from my mouth. He shrugged, “Honestly I’m more impressed than upset?”

“Im...pressed?”

The wry smile he wore was like a shot to the heart. “Yeah. Nobody’s ever seen through me so easily.”

“I’m so sorry, I know you’re upset but I d-don’t want to just...let this issue fester into something worse.” I took a hesitant step toward him, praying he wasn’t as likely to bolt as he appeared. “I had no right to press. It won’t happen again.”

Bokuto shook his head again, stepping back into the hall. Before I could get a chance to follow, he came out with his gym bag and keys. “Yeah, I know it won’t.”

Panic exploded like a bomb in my stomach, and I suppressed my urge to grab him and beg him to stay by going for the strap of the bag. “Wait, please! I’m sorry Bokuto, I’m so sorry for being so selfish and downright stupid but  please  don’t just leave all because of this. I-I’ll do whatever you want.”

Strong arms encircled me, cradling my head and putting a stop to my frantic speech. I embraced him with all of my strength, hoping the urgency I pressed my body to his with conveyed how I felt. 

“I’m not leaving you, dummy,” Bokuto nosed the top of my hair, “I’m just going to the gym for a little.”

“But...why?” I eyes his gym bag. “Your practice doesn’t start until later—“

“I need to go clear my head. I’m still scared to talk about this, and I’m still upset, but I think it’s time you learned the truth. I just need to go let off some steam.”

“Bokuto, it’s okay,” I cracked my neck to look at him, “You don’t have to tell me just because of this. I can wait as long as you need.”

“No more waiting,” he pressed a kiss to my forehead before letting me go. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to end this on a bad note. I love you Akaashi and you know that. It’s not fair for me to keep you out after you let me in.”

“I love you too,” I said softly, sighing in relief when Bokuto smiled. 

“I’ll come right back after practice. I’ll have something to eat ready too, and we’ll talk about everything.”

Another kiss to my forehead. “Okay,” was all I could manage as he squeezed me once more, and left. 

——

I took the train to the ice rink, not trusting myself enough to drive. My head was an endless whirlpool of emotions right now, and the only thing I could think to do was numb it all with a hard practice session. 

I stood in my ending pose for what felt like ages. Chest heaving, I relaxed my burning muscles and turned expectantly to the sideline.

“Seems like we’ve checked all our boxes,” Coach remarked, giving his planner a once-over and snapping it closed. “That run was spectacular, Akaashi. All that work to increase your jump height paid off.”

I glided to the edge, picking up my water and taking a swig. “Was it clean enough?” I asked, not making eye contact. “It doesn’t feel good enough.”

“Nothing ever feels good enough for you,” he muttered, tapping a hand on the black planner. “But if it’ll make you feel better to know, it was very clean. Considerably better than earlier, when you were fresh out of recovery.”

“That’s all I needed to hear.” Hiding my stubborn skepticism, I set the bottle down. “I feel really wired, Coach. Rostelecom can’t come any faster.”

“Just a few more days,” Coach chuckled, “I better not find you in anymore foreign hospitals.”

Shrugging, I replied, “Trust me, if I could stop being such a fuck-up I would, Coach.”

The old man gave me an incredulous stare, until he realized there wasn’t an ounce of humor in my voice. “Akaashi,” he started, “You know as your coach I care about you, and I can see everything in your face right now. Something is bothering you, so you’re coping by pouring everything you’ve got into skating.”

“I don’t see a problem with that,” I took one foot in my hand, skimming the slush off my blades, “If it helps me skate better then it’s fine.”

“Your mother called me yesterday, asking about you.”

My foot dropped to the ice with a heavy thunk. “Oh,” I said dumbly, “Did... What did she want?”

“So that’s what’s bothering you,” Coach concluded. He sighed, heavy and long. “You’re a fully-fledged adult now, Akaashi. Legally allowed to make your own decisions and do as you please.”

I cocked a brow, “What does that have to do with this?”

“I think it’s time you had a talk with your mother. Not here with your teachers, but just between the two of you. I know I have no business speaking on this matter, but I think it’s time you started making her treat you like an adult.”

“I’m living on my own and I take care of myself,” I mumbled, more to my skates than to Coach himself, “Yes, she may be a little bit...”

“Controlling?”

“...worried,” i continued warily. “She’s just worried about me. That’s why she tries to plan my schedules and organize my trips, and why she tells me not to hang out with friends too much, and to practice more...” I blinked slowly, feeling strange, “...right?”

“Akaashi. She has access to your bank account and even monitors your rent. If I remember correctly, hasn’t she taken your prize money after the years and put into a separate account for _‘safe keeping?’_ ”  He emphasized the last words with a raise of his brows. 

“She did that to keep it safe,” I quickly defended, “She wants to have control over it so it’s safe.” The more i repeated the phrase, the more my head started to pound. 

The truth and the lies we’re mixing together like middle colors in water. One day my mother would reprimand me to tears, and the next I convinced myself to forgive her, out of the fear of bei abandoned by my last piece of family. Just what kind of situation was I really living in?

“I think it’s time for you to go and get some rest,” Coach said. He gave my shoulder a gentle pat. “You skated well. Thank you for letting me move your private session last-minute.”

I told him goodbye, barely feeling present in my own skin, and left to practice some jumps on my own for a couple of hours. I had time before Bokuto would be home. _Too much_ time. More than anything I wanted today to be over. I wanted to curl up in his arms and forget, to put my head on his chest while he played with my hair. 

God. This fucking day could not get any worse. 

I’d just changed out of my skates when a pair of arms wrapped around me. “Guess who!”

“Tooru,” I gasped, nearly jumping out of my skin, “Don’t scare me like that!”

Oikawa whirled me around, giving me an inspection before hugging me. “Don’t be a bitch. Let your best friend love you.”

“Keiji, you should come sleep over tonight!” Hinata popped up behind Oikawa, hugging me after the brunette let me go. His mouth turned down slightly, “We miss you.”

“I miss you too Shoyou,” I smiled, “All of you. But I don’t think I’ll be able to tonight.”

“Why?” Hinata now had a full-out frown, “You’re done for the day, right?”

Oikawa glanced at me, sharing a silent conversation, before helping me get my bag on my shoulder. “Take all the time you need and come by later. We’ll be waiting for you.”

“You guys wouldn’t mind?”

“Of course not!” Hinata’s smile melted my heart in the way only a best friend could. “Kenma will probably fall asleep, but I’ll stay up until you come.”

“Thank you guys,” I sighed, a small smile taking my lips. A sleepover with my best friends sounded exactly like what I needed, but there was something I needed to take care of first. Only then, would I really feel okay. “You guys are the best friends anyone could ask for.”

“Did you come on the train? I didn’t see your car.”

“Yeah,” I turned to Oikawa, rubbing awkwardly at my arm, “I just didn’t feel up to driving.”

“Let me walk you home.”

“What? Oh no,” I put my hands up, “That’s okay. You don’t need to go out of your way for me. I’m alright,” I offered a smile.

“I don’t buy it Keiji,” Tooru grabbed my bag and sling it on his shoulder. “I’m walking you home. I insist.”

We bid Hinata goodbye before leaving the rink together. On our walk to the station, I told Oikawa about what happened with Bokuto this morning.

“Whatever it is, it must be difficult for him to talk about. I doubt this accident was hard for him to come to terms with,” Oikawa exhaled, hugging me to his side. “But you’re going to be alright, Keiji. You both did the right thing, taking a breather.”

“I hope so,” the train is gently in our seats. “I just want to be there for him like he is for me.”

Oikawa was in the deep end of a rant about Iwaizumi being “dense as a fucking mountain” when we finally made it to the apartment complex. 

“He just can’t take a hint, and it’s been how long? Months!” He jabbed the elevator button angrily, lips in a pout. “We made out in the locker room and he _still_ doesn’t realize that I like him?!”

“Hold on,” I gaped at him, “You two what? In the-the locker room!?”

“Yes!” Oikawa groaned, stomping out of the elevator when it opened to my floor. I immediately snuggled into my coat as a defense from the cold. “The steamiest fucking make-out session I have ever experienced. And he’s such a gentleman! It makes me want to rip my hair out!”

“I don’t really se the problem here,” I rolled my eyes, “If you like him and he doubts it, why not just finally give him a legitimate answer?”

“I’ll die before making the first move!” Oikawa turned his nose, shunning me as if the idea were a disgrace and marching toward my door. 

And right into the back of someone. 

“Watch where you’re going while you’re having a hissy fit,” I teased under my breath. Turning to the person, I went to say, “I’m sorry about my friend,” but all that came out was a squeal akin to a dying animal. 

It was a scene directly out of one of my nightmares. No, it _was_ my nightmare, manifested into reality before me. 

My mother glared daggers at Oikawa, putting several steps of distance between us and fixing her coat. 

Bokuto stood in the door of my apartment in nothing but a pair of sweatpants, water still drilling down his chest from his shower, mouth hanging open as if he’d just been speaking. 

_Fuck_ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> teehee 
> 
> sorry in advance for any typos. sis is ✨tired✨ and I lost YET ANOTHER DRAFT that I spent 4 hours writing 🥰
> 
> don’t ask me. i don’t even know. also im not sorry for the cliffhanger lol 
> 
> thank you so much for reading!! every single comment i get means the fucking world to me, so if you get the chance come say hi!! I’m so freaking grateful for y’all ❤️❤️❤️


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was honestly really hard to write. It’s not gonna feel right, or satisfy everything, but I promise that was the point. 
> 
> Woo hoo!! The new year is here and in full swing !! I already want to cry !!
> 
> Sorry if this chapter sucks the writers block is real 🥲

My tongue thrashed against my cheek, trying fruitlessly to form words, but nothing came to me. When my mother’s sharp eyes turned on me I flinched. They sliced into me like hail in a snowstorm. 

I felt a hand wrap around my arm, Oikawa placed himself between me and her. He smiled, as sweetly as he could manage, “Akaashi-san, I thought we told you today wouldn’t be the best day for you to come by?” 

“I’m not obligated to do what you tell me,” mother turned to Oikawa, arms crossed, “I don’t need your permission to see _my_ son.”

“Don’t you have work?”

“Don’t you have things to be practicing? For such a sorry excuse of a performer you seem to have an abundance of time on your hands, Oikawa-san.”

The corner of Oikawa’s mouth twitched, his usual wit failing him. He licked his lips, “A ray of sunshine as usual, Akaashi-san.”

Mother held a palm up, completely ignoring him. “Keiji,” she began, each syllable like a prick against my skin. She glanced at Bokuto, who was meekly trying to shake the water out of his hair. The poor man was shirtless out in this cold. “Who is this man? I did not provide you this apartment so you could slack off and hang out with imbeciles.”

I caught Bokuto flinch. The jab wasn’t even directed toward me, yet it hit me like a slap to the face. “Don’t talk about him like that,” I said, stepping out from behind Oikawa.

Before I could get any closer to her, she shot me a warning look, and I cowered once again. Her eyes swept over Oikawa and Bokuto, as if she were regarding trash on the street. “Get out, now. I need to speak to my son alone. And _you_ ,” she shot Bokuto a glare, “I don’t know who you are, but I don’t want to see you around Keiji ever again. He doesn’t need the likes of you distracting him.”

I half expected Bokuto to drop his head and walk out, but as always, he was stronger than anyone could ever know.

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Akaashi-san,” Oikawa choked on a gasp when Bokuto grinned at her. His shoulders opened up and he faced her head-on. He bowed slightly, “But Ak-“, he glanced at me, “...Keiji” he continued, “Should be the one to make that decision.”

I saw a muscle in my mother’s jaw tighten. It was shocking in the deepest way to me, seeing someone speak to her so confidently when first meeting her. Bokuto didn’t once break eye contact, didn’t buckle under her pressure.

“You know nothing,” she clicked her tongue, “Who are you, and what are you to my son?”

My heart stalled in my chest, this was a question I didn’t think I’d ever be able to answer; yet here she was pushing her way in. 

Bokuto picked it up in an instant, tossing me a reassuring grin before replying, “Just a close friend. Everyone needs someone to support them and cheer them on, don’t they?” He shrugged, “From what I’ve seen Keiji hasn’t been able to experience that in a while.”

“Bokkun,” Oikawa called, eyes gleaming with warning. “We should probably—“

“Your son is amazing, Akaashi-san!” Bokuto beamed at me as he spoke. “Keiji is the most talented, hardworking person I’ve ever met. It makes me wonder, you know, how come a guy like him had to go through so much alone?”

“You speak of things you know nothing about,” my mother growled, fixing her designer coat. “I suggest you step down and remember your place.”

“I think I know my place,” Bokuto pursed his lips, appraising eyes challenging hers, “I’m here to support Keiji and be there for him when he needs it.”

“Keiji doesn’t need a bad influence like you dragging him down,” she hissed. “Simply by being around, you destroy his focus and stop him from improving.” She gazed at me, sucking her teeth, “Don’t encourage his laziness by calling him talented. Haven’t you seen his recent failure in China? Truly an embarrassment to say that was my son.”

“Oh yeah, I was there!” Bokuto piped up. Crinkles formed in his eyes as he laughed, “But I’m sorry, Akaashi-san. I was too busy being by his side at the hospital to worry about that. And the score doesn’t matter if he just loves skating, don’t you think?”

My mother gaped at him, like he’d just called her the ugliest soul to ever walk the earth. “How _dare_ you?” She bared her teeth at him, white flashing behind painted red lips, “How dare you denounce such an art form?”

Oikawa’s arm wrapped around me, pulling me back into him. When I looked at him, my will crumbled at the poorly veiled terror in his face.

A sharp _“Aha!”_ snapped us back to the pair in front of us, and I found my mother snarling at Bokuto. “It’s you. All this time it’s been your fault.”

Bokuto cocked his head, visibly perplexed. She glared daggers at me. “This man is the reason behind your recent failures,” she said as she calmly approached Oikawa and I. “This new _friend_ of yours has ruined you, just like the others. But not to worry, Keiji. Now that I’m here, I can do what I must in order to quell this disrespectful behavior.”

“Bokuto has done nothing of the sort.”

My mother froze. Even Oikawa went rigid it front of me, and I felt something spark inside me. Had I _ever_ spoken to her like that?

“Are you defying me, Keiji?”

“I’m not defying you.” I still couldn’t get rid of the tremor in my voice, but this was now or never. Stepping out in front of Oikawa, I looked at her, “I’m an adult, and I can make decisions for myself.”

Her stormy eyes flared, “And you really believe you’re capable of that? While you still need me to manage your finances?”

“I don’t _need_ you to do that,” I flinched when her arm moved, “You just took over and did as you pleased.”

“I didn’t raise you to be ungrateful. You know I do it because I know best, Keiji. It’s because I love you.”

The words tore at my heart. I wanted nothing more to just cave into her, to end this argument and move on, but now something felt off. 

I’d been learning what it feels like to be loved again. I was starting to wonder if hers was really there. 

“Which is why,” she continued, cutting off Oikawa with a flick of her hand when he tried to speak, “You will be moving back home come next week. You’ve proven to me time and time again that you can’t take your work seriously, and you still need me to—“

“I can take care of myself!” Tears stained my cheeks when I squeezed my eyes shut. “I can take care of myself,” I repeated again, weaker.   
  


_Why? Why did she come here?_

“That’s clearly not the case!” She cut me off, her venom sinking deeper with every word. “If that were true, you wouldn’t be _falling_ at a Grand Prix competition. Do you know how humiliating that was for me, Keiji? To call you my son after you dirtied my name with your poor performance?”

I cried, “B-but I still placed!” Why I was trying to defend myself after years of yielding I didn’t know, but my heart was pounding and I couldn’t stop. “I’ve _never_ done that before! I always do my best for you, and this was just one bad run! It wasn’t Bokuto’s fault.”

“A real performer doesn’t have one bad night. You’ve let yourself go, and this Bokuto is at fault, along with all of your other so-called friends! They don’t want what’s best for you, Keiji. That’s why I’m taking you back home with me.”

_“No.”_

It was one word uttered under my breath, one I never imagined I could say to her. But I clenched my fists. Mother’s eyes blew wide, and for a moment I felt her ice start to crack.

Her voice dropped terrifyingly low. “What did you just say to me?”

Hesitation in my muscles, I allowed my chin to lift, my shoulders to straighten. “No,” I repeated, a little steadier, “I’m staying here. I’m not a child anymore. You can’t make me do as you say.”

“I give you everything, within a second I could take it away. And you dare speak to me like that?” She stormed toward me. I couldn’t even cry out when she snatched for my jaw.   


The contact never came. 

I didn’t notice Bokuto had stepped in front of me until his bare back was in my face. Water from freshly-washed hair rolled down his back, goosebumps chilling bare skin. 

My mother’s painted nails grazed Bokuto’s collarbone, a gasp left her lips. 

“Hey, where’s that kind of behavior gonna get us?” Bokuto said casually. “He’s your son, you shouldn’t grab him like that just because you’re upset.”

Mother stumbled backward, she would’ve lost her balance if Bokuto hadn’t reached out and caught her. I heard another gasp, and then yelling.

“Don’t touch me!” She smacked his hand away, and Bokuto immediately complied.

Angry red scratch marks were blooming on Bokuto’s chest. Oikawa bared his teeth at her. “What the fuck is your problem?”

I shoved Bokuto’s shoulder to make him face me and grimaced at the reddish marks. “It’s fine,” Bokuto reassured, “It was just an accident.” He squeezed my trembling hand in his. 

The woman’s sharp eyes didn’t miss the gesture. She didn’t speak, but continued to look at Bokuto and Oikawa in disgust. Oikawa had been openly gay since I’d met him, which meant she wasn’t fond of him from the get-go. This probably didn’t help in that department.

“Keiji,” she whispered, eyeing the two men, “How long will you allow yourself to be brainwashed by such... such vulgar people?”

“Hey! You didn’t call me a faggot!” Oikawa giggled, “I’d call that an improvement from last time.”

“I wasn’t speaking to you,” she snapped, not bothering to turn her head so he could see her scowl. 

“I don’t think being gay gives you the power to brainwash someone,” Bokuto scrunched his brow in thought, “And it sure as hell doesn’t make them a bad influence.”

“And why do you say that?” She laughed drily, “Are you one of _them_?”

Her eyes rolled, annoyed, then landed on our still joined hands. I heard a choking noise leave her lips, and Oikawa actually snorted behind me. 

I tried to reach for her, tried to speak, but she pushed me away. Her eyes were wide in shock, like she couldn’t believe the scene before her. 

“Mother,” I sighed, dropping Bokuto’s hand. I gave my boyfriend and best friend an apologetic look before I went to my front door, pushing it open. “I think it’s time we had a discussion that’s long overdue.” 

Bokuto reached for me, but Oikawa caught his arm. He called my name gently, I stayed where I was and told him it would be okay. 

I left them behind outside and entered my apartment with my mother. Not even Bokuto would be able to protect me from this storm. 

—-

I don’t know why I expected things to go better behind closed doors. In all honesty, I wanted to protect Bokuto and Oikawa and keep them out of the fight.

There was just no getting through to her. Mother didn’t utter a word as she shoved past me. She let herself into my bedroom and begin to throw the contents of my closet onto my bed, muttering how _disgusting_ this was under her breath.

“Please just stop and listen to me,” the hoodie with Bokuto’s name and number fell at her feet. She stamped on it, grinding it into the floor before kicking it away. “I didn’t mean for this to turn into a fight.”

“It wouldn’t have if you’d just been obedient.” She took the suitcase I kept my skating gear in and threw it on the bed. “You’d be nothing if it weren’t for my support.” She shook her head, “And here you are throwing your life away with those people. If you keep hanging around them, others will start to think you’re a homosexual as well.”

“And what if I was?”

“You have no right to make jokes.”

I scooped up the hoodie before she could damage it any farther. Luckily, all it endured was a little dirt. “What if it’s not a joke, mother?”

“You are not a homosexual,” she grabbed my shoulders. “You’ve spent too much time hanging out with those men, Keiji. They’ve tricked you, made you think you’re something you’re not.” Her eyes softened, but it felt artificial, like a predator luring in prey. “This is not who you are. Come home with me, I can get you ready for the Olympics. Wouldn’t you want to make your father proud?”

She tucked my hair behind my ear, stroked my face, but the accumulation of anger and fear made me start to shake. 

“It would ruin him if he learned his son was engaging in such dirty acts,” I felt the tears on my cheeks being wiped away. “Don’t you think he would’ve wanted you to marry a beautiful woman, start a family? You can’t give him that if you’re with a man.”

My breath hitched as speech failed, and I was officially unable to control my whimpering cries. Her hands made me dizzy. The contact was an agonizing drug, calming one second and nauseating the next. 

“Honor him, Keiji,” she took my hand in hers, “Be a son he could’ve been proud of.”

I felt something cold, metallic against my skin. Looking down at our hands, I saw something I never thought I’d see again. 

She was still wearing her wedding bands. 

Taking a deep breath in, I let go of her hand. The few steps of distance I put between us felt like miles. 

“You miss him too, don’t you.” I gestured to her hand. 

Something flashed in her eyes, a streak of heat in the dead, frozen color. She covered her left hand, gaze shifting around the room. “That is neither here nor there.”

“You married him, mother. You knew him better than I ever could. Therefore, you know he wouldn’t care about this.”

Mother’s eyes glazed over, tears brimming, “He wanted grandchildren, Keiji!”

“He wanted me to be happy! He wanted both of us to be happy!”

My mother was never the type of parent to show emotion. She wasn’t affectionate, didn’t laugh or cry in front of me. All I ever saw from her was anger and disappointment. Which is why I didn’t know what to do as I watched the most painful series of emotions contort her face. 

“I refuse to accept this, Keiji. I can’t.”

“Then maybe you’re the one that’s not honoring dad.”

Mother turned to face me, her presence threatening to overwhelm me again.“End your relationship with that man, come home and put your focus back into preparing for the Olympics. That is an order. Skating is your life, and you’re nothing without it.”

I straightened my spine, tried to hold my ground. She was intimidating even in this state. But today was my fight, and I wasn’t going to let her win again. 

“I’m sorry mother, but I’m legally allowed to do whatever the hell I want. And the life I’ve built here? That’s what I want, not to fulfill your dream for me.” The words felt so powerful, as if I couldn’t control them, but I couldn’t go on like this. “This is me now. I am more than a prodigy and I won’t let you control my life anymore.”

“Then you aren’t my son anymore.”

I never thought something you were fully expecting to hear could hurt so much. But the words stabbed right through my heart, tore it up, and ground the pieces into the dirt. 

I called weakly for her, feeling more like a child than I had in a long time. It was too late. The final strings that tied us together could be heard snapping in the fragile air. 

It was a shame, how I could only think of what to say to her after I heard the front door shut. There was so much I wanted, no, needed, to talk to her about, and now my chance of making things right was dead.   


Seeing her close to tears had ripped me up in a way I never thought I’d feel, although it was nothing compared to how it felt watching her leave.

My final tie to my father, my final tie to family, gone. The puppeteer had severed the strings, her marionette damaged far beyond repair, falling limp.

—-

A nudge to my side brought the world back into focus. When I opened my eyes, Kenma was looking down at me. 

“Where...?”

“Shoyou’s house,” Kenma said, reading my thoughts. “Dinner is ready if you’re hungry.”

Oikawa pulled me into a sitting position, then pulled me into a tight hug. “I’m so sorry,” he croaked into my neck. I felt wetness against my skin. “She called me and told me she wanted to come see you because you weren’t answering. I told her not to come but—but she—,” he choked on a fit of hiccups, hugging me closer. 

Behind me, I heard someone instruct Kenma to go bring out the food, and a minute later Suga was prying Oikawa off of me. The brunette was a crying mess, snotty nose, puffy eyes at all. I didn’t imagine I looked any better. 

As Oikawa crawled off, sniffling and calling out for Hinata, Suga brought me in for a much gentler hug. I leaned into the embrace, desperate for the comfort.

Despite our awkward position on the living room floor, Suga rocked us side to side. “You don’t need to talk about it, but you’re not alone.”

Instead of telling him anything, my body was racked with sobs. I cried into his sweater like a child. The few times I managed a normal breath, I apologized for always breaking down like this. 

“It’s okay,” Suga assured me, rubbing my back. “Just let it all out. I know it hurts.”

By the time I was out of steam, everyone had joined us on the living room floor. I tried to force myself to open up, but I couldn’t. Hinata led the guys to the kitchen with some random excuse, but I knew it was so I could have some alone time with his mother, who I was so grateful for in this moment. 

We ate peacefully, Hinata and Oikawa keeping conversation light, but the air in the room was still heavy. 

When the meal was finished and the chores were complete, we settled in for the night. 

Just as I finished changing into my pj’s, Natsu came to see me. She proudly presented a card she’d drawn just for me, and even let me sleep with her favorite stuffed animal, to “keep the bad thoughts away.” The gesture warmed my heart, yet also stung. She reminded me of Sou, which reminded me of Bokuto, and the unspoken truths I was supposed to learn before things went south. 

Where was he now?

Even after I’d finally succumbed to sleep, his face never left my mind. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry guys. Just know the next chapter will be better. This WILL get better. 
> 
> I know there was a lot left unsaid between Akaashi and his mom, but everything can’t happen at once you know? It just means there might be a chance to clean things up:)
> 
> *might*
> 
> Aaannnyways, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. I genuinely hate it but oh well lol. I’m gonna go read/reply to some comments and cry.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> good morning and happy saturday!!! i had to wake up at 6 this morning for rehearsal and i may or may not have written part of this while my director was GRILLING another section. but hey, make the best of your time amirite?
> 
> also I just wanted to use this note to give y’all a quick apology. i know when I write there’s always SO MUCH crying or just tears in general. it’s kind of dramatic yes, but for the most part I believe that it’s natural. i cry a looooot from stress but i might just have a problem😂😂
> 
> anyways, this little arc is done for now, and it’s gonna focus more on akaashi climbing his way through the end of the competitive season. and oh yeah, ✨hockey✨
> 
> i really hope you enjoy!! this chapter honestly isn’t my favorite because i wasn’t sure how to convey everything. but next chapter?😏 im hoping it’ll be better

The days moved on slowly. It took nights of tears, untouched meals, and blazing showers, all behind the locked door of my room, for brightness of life to return.

It didn’t help that my trip to Russia was now right around the corner. I was leaving in three days, and I didn’t feel ready at all.

Luckily, I didn’t have the kind of friends that allowed me to wallow. The spare key to my apartment was exchanged daily like a relay race baton.

Oikawa and Hinata came in on the afternoons, forcing me to change my clothes and actually consume sustenance. Suga all but kicked the door down in the mornings, his artillery of cooking skills at the ready. Kenma and Kuroo even took me grocery shopping. I knew it was only because they wanted to keep an eye on me, but I was grateful for it.

And of course, Bokuto. Amidst the swell of turmoil my mother brought with her, Bokuto’s time to tell his story was put on hold. He told me it could wait, said his top priority was to make me smile.

And that was exactly what he did. No matter how hard I fell, Bokuto was right there, strong and steady.

I never got the chance to waste a day in bed with him here. Keeping me on my schedule, he dug me out of the covers, took me to practice, and prevented me from overdoing it. After being coaxed into the shower, I was greeted with a hot meal and a smile.

Bokuto put his entire being into making sure I was okay. When I crumbled, he picked me back up. I realized over these days just how much of my rock he’d become.

It was thanks to these amazing people that I finally started to feel like myself again. One day, after morning training, I decided I was ready to tell Bokuto what happened between my mother and I.

The story was not an easy one to endure, for either of us.

“I guess I should’ve seen it coming,” I concluded, setting my gear in the second row of Bokuto’s truck. My forehead touched the cool black metal. “My relationship with her, has been and always will be, damaged. Now it feels like an ugly scar I’ll never be able to heal. She was the only family I had left.” Heat stung behind my eyes, but I’d cried plenty already this week, so I withheld.

Startled, I yelped when Bokuto grabbed me. His chest pressed hot against my back as he reached around to close the door, and his arms encircled my waist. He hugged me to him, cold nose nuzzling my nape.

“It wasn’t your fault. Please don’t say that Kaashi,” I heard rustling behind me. A moment later, his heavy coat was wrapped around the both of us. “I know I can’t say I understand, because I don’t. You’re still grieving over your dad, and you has to endure this on top of it. I’ve never had to go through this kind of hurt. But I’ll die before I let you go through it alone.”

“Bokuto,” I whispered, wary of his feelings, but not wanting to interrupt. He squeezed me, fingers massaging my sides.

“Please, stop saying you’ve lost your family. I hate it, so much. It makes me picture you alone and hurt and I just wish I could’ve met you sooner.”

“What..?”

“I wish we could have met in high school or something. That way I could be there for you sooner. Your mom and dad are related to you by blood, and they may be gone, but as long as you’re mine you will _always_ have a family to come home to. My parents, Sou, our friends.”

Heart squeezing, I turned in his arms to look at him, nearly choking on my breath when I met glassy eyes.

“Don’t you see, Akaashi? We won’t let you endure this alone,” he took my hand, lifting it to his lips. “I can’t even fathom how much this must hurt, or how you’re feeling inside, but don’t let it blind you. You’ve got us. Your family is here.”

Bokuto pressed tender kisses to my skin, from my palm to my fingertips. I outstretched my hand, caressed his jaw, cupped his face.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve all of this. To deserve them, and you, but I can promise you I will never let that happen.” I pulled him down to my level to kiss him. “Thank you, Bokuto. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you these past few days.”

Bokuto scrubbed at his eyes when we parted, letting out a sniffle that made us both chuckle. “It destroys me when I see you sad, Kaashi. I can’t sleep until I know you’re smiling again.”

“The feeling is mutual, my love,” I cradled the back of his head, letting him drop it onto my shoulder and burrow his nose under the collar of my coat. “I’m very grateful for that.”

Bokuto said something, but with his face in fabric, it came out muffled.

“What was that?”

The first part of what he said was lost again, “...me that again?”

He stood up straight to look at me, and that’s when I caught the rosiness dusted on his cheeks. I quelled my smirk, “One more time?”

Bokuto swallowed, looking anywhere but me. “Could you maybe...call me that again?”

I shrugged, no longer bothering to hide my playful grin. “Call you what? I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re asking, Bokuto.”

At this point, his ears were burning bright red. “M-my love?”

I know he was being genuine, but the sight in front of me was just so cute, and the giggles were unstoppable.

“Hey! What’s so funny?” Bokuto feigned annoyance, his pout not making things any easier. His eyes shined when he saw me laughing at his reaction. He wrangled me into a hug, a sneaky hand jabbed ribs. “I’m being all sweet here and you’re laughing at me?”

“Aaaah!! I’m soooooorry!!” I thrashed in his grip when the tickling didn’t stop. Tears sprung into my eyes from laughing so hard, and every cry I let out was swallowed in his kiss. “Mercy, mercy!”

Bokuto snorted and let me go. The shimmer of his eyes filled me with so much pride, and in that moment I knew, things would get better.

“You really gave her a run for her money you know,” I told him when I could breathe again. “Nobody’s ever stood up to her like that.”

“I couldn’t just stand there and let her say those awful things!” He huffed. “I could say it was because I wanted to protect you,” he smiled, complexion softening, “But you’re already so strong.”

“You help me remember that, my love. And you’re pretty strong yourself,” I ruffled his hair, his head dipping into the touch. “Now let’s get going. You wanted to help me pack right?”

Bokuto whined, “Of course I want to help you, but I don’t want you to leave. It’s like him sending you away!”

“It’ll only be a few days,” I kissed his pout, smiling against it. “You’ve got matches while I’m gone to focus on.”

“You’re still coming to the one after you get home, right?”

“Of course!” Bokuto heaved a sigh, relaxing, and I almost laughed at his reaction. As if I’d ever miss an opportunity to support him.

It may be at a snail’s pace, but I knew I could get through this.    
  


Recovery wouldn’t be a breeze. Far from it, and I’d by lying if I said I wasn’t scared. But at least, this I knew:

I could flourish, with or without her.

—-

We were lying in my bed in the dark a couple days later, the world sound asleep around us, when Bokuto finally spoke up.

“Thank you for helping me pack,” I said softly. He responding by nuzzling his face between my shoulder blades. “Now I can relax tomorrow before my flight.”

Bokuto hummed, I felt the breeze when he sighed. “Yeah, of course Kaashi.”

It was obvious he had something he wanted to say. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” he mumbled, anything but convincing, “I’m just really gonna miss you.”

“It doesn’t sound like you’re alright.” I turned in his arms, Bokuto quickly pulling me back in to eliminate any distance I may have created. “Being apart for a few days isn’t all that’s bothering you, is it?”

“It can wait. Let’s just go to sleep. You have a long day tomorrow, remember? Daichi and Iwa want to get breakfast with us before you leave.”

“It can’t wait,” I insisted, sitting up against the headboard. Bokuto whined in protest, but I wasn’t going to let anyone I loved run from their problems anymore. Not after what happened with my mother. “I know something’s on your mind, and this conversation is long overdue.”

I monitored is expression, keeping out for signs in him that showed discomfort. His brow furrowed, eyes dark and full in thought.

His teeth worried at his bottom lip. That was usually the dead giveaway that told me he wanted to talk.

None of us said a word for the longest few minutes in history. We both knew what was coming, understood, what he was bottling up, but neither of us wanted to be the first to broach it.

Bokuto rolled onto his back and sat up, his expression hidden in the shadows. “Could you maybe make us some tea?”

I nodded with a smile and left the bedroom. He was always so shy when it came to asking me for things. I couldn’t help but want to change that little quirk, because I would do just about anything for him too.

I took my time putting the water on and steeping the tea, wanting to give Bokuto space. Despite his occasional impulsiveness, he truly was a deep thinker. I knew he’d appreciate a moment to piece things together.

Bokuto thanked me and took the mug when I joined him on the bed. I sat facing him, observing as he sipped his tea.

“About ten months ago, I got my first car.”

He glanced at me over his cup. I met his gaze, signaling that he had my full attention.

“It wasn’t anything fancy, just an average one that could get me from point A to point B, you know?”

I nodded, wrapping my hands around my mug. “Did you buy it yourself?”

“I did!” His eyes brightened, “I did little jobs here and there between hockey practices. It was a lot of work, but I wanted to do it on my own.”

I smiled back, “You’re so hardworking, I’m not surprised.”

“I thought having a car would be nice, I could take Sou to fun places, and since we didn’t have to borrow mom or dad’s, we could go anytime.” Bokuto traced the rim of the mug, and his mouth began to droop. “The accident... happened one night when I was picking him up from practice.”

He paused, mulling over the words in his head. I leaned forward and kissed his forehead, yearning to bring back his smile.

It didn’t, but the tension in his shoulders faded. He stammered, “A-are you sure you want to talk about this now?” Bokuto’s eyes darted between me and his lap, “You're already dealt with a lot this week. I don’t want to drag you down with my own sob story.”

I pulled his face in once again, planting kisses on all the spots that made him giggle without fail. “You never drag me down,” I pecked his chin when we separated. “I don’t care about the circumstances. When you need me, I’m all ears.”

“I don’t mean to brag, but Sou is a damn good defenseman for his age,” Bokuto laughed, but the sound lacked color. “At the beginning of summer he went to this little league training camp for a day. I brought treats for the team when I picked him up.

They loved it. Sou couldn’t stop smiling. All the kids had a blast, and everyone ended up staying at the rink until dark. We left very late.”

Bokuto was still, mug forgotten in his hands. He didn’t speak when I stroked over his hair, just let me brush his bangs out of his eyes. Gold glowed dim under darkness.

“People underestimate just how dangerous driving can be, especially in cities where life never stops moving.”

“No one should be allowed on the road if they can’t follow the rules,” I agreed, encouraging him.

“It was past his bedtime, Sou was in the backseat half asleep while I drove home. The streets were crawling with people and cars. I have a lot of experience on crazy roads, and I was still feeling intimidated. But as humans, we let our guard down where we least expect things to happen.

We got out of the commotion a bit later. I was exhausted, but I figured we’d be safe since we were on familiar roads.” The way his voice cracked broke my heart. He hung his head, “It’s my fault. I should have seen it coming. If only I’d payed better attention...”

I could already see where this was going, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. Bokuto had been carrying this with him all along, and he was finally breaking, right in front of me. I understood that all I could do was hold his hand, ensure him it was okay to go on.

“At the last light on the way home, everything was clear. The next thing I knew there was another car swerving into my lane.”

Bokuto didn’t burst into tears like I would have. He didn’t break down, didn’t weep, but he couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. The despair he emanated was enough of a hint—He’d already let those screams out. All that was left were haunting thoughts.

“The impact shattered Sou’s leg and cracked three of his ribs. He was in a coma for days. The doctors didn’t think he’d make it.”

I felt my heart plummet into my stomach. Trying to speak proved pointless, because what could I even say? I could tell him I was sorry, that it was awful and unfair, but those pitiful words had already been carved into his skin. There was nothing I could do.

“Every day,” Bokuto sighed, “Every day I wish it could’ve been me. He shouldn’t have been the one to take all the damage. I only got a concussion and a few bruised bones, but he almost...” he trailed off, dropping his head in his hands, “I almost lost him.”

My hands rested on his shoulders, but he wouldn’t meet my eyes. “Bokuto, you know it wasn’t—“

“I know,” he shoved me off gently. “I hear it all the time, I _know.”_ Bokuto’s eyes squeezed shut, lips curling in a grimace. “When I saw him in the hospital bed, my entire world caved in. I just want,” he hiccuped, “I want him to live the happy childhood he deserves and this _fucking drunk dick_ took hockey away from him, took the ability to walk from him. I come home and see him on crutches and my heart breaks all over again, Akaashi. It—it hurts so badly, and I just want everything to stop. Nothing ever fucking _stops._ ”

Bokuto hid his face in his arms, slouching until all I saw was the top of his head. How had he managed to keep this stuffed down inside while maintaining balance in a professional athlete life? My entire being ached for him.

“You are a wonderful big brother, Bokuto,” I whispered to him. It wasn’t much, and I wasn’t sure what he wanted to hear, but something in me told me that was what he needed. “I can see it from the way Sou looks at you, and I’m certain that Sou doesn’t think you’re at fault. So if he can forgive you, don’t you think he’d want you to forgive yourself, too?”

Bokuto didn’t reply, only sat up, tear stains gleaming in the night. He was hurting, was always hurting, but had nowhere to express it until now. Hairline fractures in his walls became gaping holes, and I was starting to see what he kept hidden in the beginning.

This time around, I was the one catching Bokuto when he drooped into my chest. My chest squeezed with every soft cry he gave.

“Sou needs his big bro. He needs you to smile again, for you to show him it’s okay.” I ran by hands hands up and down his back, soothing him. “I know you’re trying to be strong for him. I’m so proud of you.”

Bokuto unraveled in my arms. And after almost an hour of heart-wrenching, he lifted his head and offered me a tiny smile.

The first rays of rising sun slipped past the blinds, sparking his eyes to life. “Thank you, for listening. And for everything. I love you, Akaashi.”

“I want you to know I’m always here to listen. You don’t have to hide things from me. It’s okay to not be okay,” I traced the outline of his face, pushing aside the stray hair. “Thank you for opening up to me. I love you too.”

It was never verbally declared, but Bokuto just slid into my arms so easily, nestled his head in my chest and tangled his legs with mine. I held him throughout the night. It was the easiest I’d ever seen him sleep.

Both of us were broken, but with each other, we saw that broken didn’t mean unfixable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for two kinda heavy chapters in a row!!!! i have a little surprise planned next chapter;) well I’m not sure if it’s a surprise but im hoping it’ll make everyone happy😂😂
> 
> thank you for reading!!❤️ recently, the comments ive been getting are making me tear up!! you guys are so sweet and i wouldn’t have the motivation without you, so thank you again for everything!!


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello all of you amazing people !!!! 
> 
> first of all, I just wanted to say that I have never been more grateful for a group of people. i know I haven’t been responding to comments (I was trying to stay away deon my phone), but I saw them. I saw them and they were so overwhelmingly beautiful, a lot of them made me cry. thank you so much for being patient with me, and for being so supportive no matter what. you all are amazing people, and you deserve the world.
> 
> anyways, im back !!! it was a very needed little break, and things are starting to get better as I move along. i hope everyone is doing well, and ugh im just feeling so much better. 
> 
> i hope you all enjoy this chapter❤️

From where I stood beside the entrance to the rink, not a single face was readable, their features and lines all bathed in gentle shadow. Colorful lights illuminated the ice. In the middle of the rink was a podium, with only the third place spot occupied.

“It never gets old, does it?” someone said, a nostalgic lilt in their voice. I turned to find the owner of the voice in front of me.A gentle sigh pulled his shoulders up, and then, he relaxed. “After months of blood, sweat, and tears, it all feels worth it in the end.”

I didn’t quite agree with that statement. No matter how many times I traveled the world for competition, the only content I ever felt was when I was on the plane ride home. 

However, I had a new reason to want to go home now. One that _gave_ me content, opposed to making me yearn for it. “I still think the best part is getting out of these costumes and into some cozy sweats.”

“You haven’t changed I see,” he chuckled. Sakusa turned to face me, a smile on his mouth . Sharp eyeliner accentuated the intensity of his eyes. The lines were layered tastefully with shimmering gold drops. 

The comment stung me for a moment, but for a moment and no more. “You only know this part of me, but I can assure you”—I pushed the sleeve of my costume back and touched the shoelace tied to my wrist—“I’ve changed since we last met.”

“You are correct. But then again, isn’t that just how life works for us performers?” He tugged at his black glove, adjusting the leather. His costume consisted of a well-fit black body suit with a plunging neckline. The shoulders and sleeves were embroidered with silky gold swirls, and the whole look was topped off with a red silk draped over his hips. “They get what they see.”

The voice on the intercom started speaking again in Russian. A security worker waved to Sakusa, signaling his turn to go out. He placed one skate on the ice, but before he took off, turned over his shoulder to look at me. “I used to think you were quite odd, you know.”

“Oh?” I felt my brow raise, “I’d love to know what you’re implying here.”

“That’s not why I said that,” he replied. “I just like that about you. It gets me fired up to compete on the same ice as you.”

“Twenty seconds,” the security worker chided.

Sakusa mumbled in thanks and stepped to the ice. He pivoted to fully face me. “Akaashi-san, I ask a favor of you.”

“Quite the bold time to be doing that,” I remarked, looking him over curiously, “But I’ll hear you out.”

I heard the workers shuffling around us stop to laugh at that one. “That’s just how I like it.” His teeth flickered in a grin, lips pulled back like he wasn’t afraid to hide the challenge on his tongue. “Don’t ever give up on this passion you have. The next time we meet will be under five rings, and you better be ready.” 

Before I could ask for any clarification, Sakusa was gone, making his way to the second place podium. 

My brain was one basic human interaction away from busting. I was already drained from competing and Sakusa had to start spitting riddles? Needing comfort, I toyed with the lace again. 

More Russian babbled overheard, but hearing my name buried in the foreign language brought me back. I stepped onto the ice, and pushed hard off my blade.

A spotlight hounded me as soon as I was on the ice, I couldn’t help but smile. I waved to the crowd and thanked them, even though my voice was undoubtedly lost in the sea of music and cheers. This wasn’t my first time in Russia, but it was my first time competing with a little less fear tainting my mind. I felt my heartbeat pick up. I moved with a little more gusto, reminding myself that she wasn’t here, that she never was anyway, that I was doing this for me. 

I did this on my own.

A skating cameraman followed behind me when I reached the red carpet rolled out on the ice. Aran waved at me from his podium, Sakusa nodding from his. Stepping up carefully, I took my spot between them on the middle podium. Women in pink flowing dresses handed us flowers. 

When the man in a navy suit approached, I lowered my head. Removing the medal from the case, he slipped it over my neck and shook my hand. 

The crowd wailed, more dramatic lighting pointing down on the podiums. The camera crew approached the podium, eager to get shots of the winners of the Rostelecom Cup.

Instead of brandishing my newly acquired gold, I looked right into the lens unashamed, pulled my sleeve back as much as it would go, and showed my wrist. 

The celebration that came along with the awards ceremony didn’t cease until deep into the night, and the banquet quickly became too much for me. My typical scene didn’t consist much of drunk people and partying. I decided around when Goshiki egged Shirabu into a drinking contest, it was time to go. Luckily for me Yaku Morisuke was also looking to head out, and wasn’t new to the area.

“Thanks again for treating me to dinner,” I said to him as we walked down the strip of shops. “I don’t think I would’ve survived any longer in there.”

“Oh trust me, I know.” Yaku laughed behind a handful of roasted nuts. “You looked like a deer in headlights back there.”

I choked on my sbiten and felt my ears enflame, “W-was it that bad?”

“You looked terrified!” A heavy weight sagged over my shoulders, nearly dragging me to the ground. “Yaku said we had to leave early.”

“Get off him before you make him spill his drink!” Yaku yanked Lev off me, smacking him right on the back of the head. “You could’ve stayed at the party. I didn’t ask you to come!”

The clumsy giant frowned down at Yaku, “But then I would have to walk back to the hotel alone.”

“It’s not like can’t get back on your own!”

Hoshiumi clicked his tongue, looking quite displeased. “How has any coach ever worked with you?”

Lev wriggled out of Yaku’s grip and peeked at him. “I guess all short people are mean.”

Hirugami dragged the other skater back before it could escalate any further. He flashed us an apologetic look before saying to me, “Don’t worry about it, Akaashi. I don’t think many of us were planning on drinking the night away anyway.”

“Thank you.” I wasn’t aware of the tinge of guilt I felt until now for making them worry, but it was nice to know that my fellow competitors weren’t my enemies. It was a mentality I used to have. Bit by bit I was chipping it away, and it felt nice. “I’ve never been one for huge crowds.”

“Akaashi!” Aran chimed in, “Was your boyfriend watching the competition tonight?”

If my face wasn’t hot already, it definitely was now. 

It wasn’t that I was embarrassed with my relationship status, far from it. I just wasn’t entirely used to the...publicity aspect of it. After my mother saying the things she said, I started to question if it was even worth it to hide the fact that I was gay anymore. 

Bokuto wasn’t someone i wanted to hide. I wasn’t announcing it on national television just yet, but I took telling my rivals (and newfound friends) as a start. 

“He has a game tomorrow so he likely only had time to watch the last half.” Tone bashful, I asked him, “Why are you asking?”

“I saw what you did back there.” Aran and trailer a few paces behind the rest of our group, leaving them to their playful banter. He jutted his chin toward the hand holding my cup, “I thought that might have something to do with him.”

“Oh, yeah...” I smiled down softly at my wrist. Just looking at it filled me with warmth. 

Being an athlete, it wasn’t safe practice to wear jewelry on the ice. Bokuto one day was randomly bent out of shape over this, claiming he wanted nothing more than some sort of little good luck charm to wear during his games. 

“It’s because we don’t always get to come to each other’s events!” He’d said with a pout. “Not that I’m mad or anything like that, I know we’re both busy. But I wish I had something... like a piece of you, you know? To help me remember that you’re cheering for me.”

I didn’t forget. A couple of weeks later, I presented him with a gift. The experience was a lot more nerve-wracking than it should’ve been, but I just wanted him to like it so badly. It was a simple braided bracelet fastened with a black bead, small enough to stay out of his way whilst playing hockey. 

It wasn’t some bracelet I’d bought from a store. After two very very long, very stressful all-nighters, I’d managed to weave the bracelet out of laces from my skates. I would say it was well received, considering how he basically glowed when I gave it to him. While we ate dinner that night, I taught him how to make it, and I fell asleep with his laces on my wrist. 

Aran lifted his cup to his lips and hummed, “I guess I was right, huh? You’re getting all blushy.”

“Well, I can’t help it.” Tipping my head back, I glanced up to the starry night above, “That’s just how he makes me feel.” 

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” Aran looked down at his cup, expression gentle. “My girlfriend is super into fashion design. She sewed a tiny heart on the inside of my costumes, so I guess we did something kind of like you guys. It’s sweet, isn’t it? Like a piece of her is always with me, if that makes any sense.”

Bokuto’s adorable pout momentarily appeared in my head. “It is sweet,” I nodded, bringing my cup up to my lips, “And it makes perfect sense.”

“I can’t wait to get back to her tomorrow. You must be pretty excited too, huh? There’s no way you both aren’t crazy busy with Olympic trials coming up.”

“He really is,” I rolled my eyes playfully, “But we make it work. Bokuto has his heart set on team Japan. It’s not so bad if I just remember how hard he’s working, I want to see him achieve his goals.”

“What about you, Akaashi?” Aran looked at me expectantly. 

“What do you mean?” My brows drew together, “What about me?”

“You’ve got your own Olympic trials to be worrying about too! Aren’t you stoked? You’re such a hard worker, I bet you’re pushing just as hard as he is.”

I faltered, almost tripping over my own feet. Aran paused when he noticed it, making sure I regained my balance. 

“Are you okay?”

“I’m all good,” I quickly said. “It was just a rock.” I kicked my foot back to make it look like I was pushing the pebble out of my way. “But...yeah. I’m super stoked.”

“Okay...” The smile I offered faltered in a way that had to be obvious. Aran squinted at me, as if internally debating on whether he bought it or not.

I kept to myself for the rest of the night, feeling like someone had hit the brakes that controlled my brain. All Aran had done was mention the Olympics, and nothing he said was wrong. But why did that make me feel so heavy and confused all of a sudden? The last time I’d talked about this to anyone was...

_Oh._

Swallowing down my emotions, I peered up at the group of athletes up in front of me. Lev and Hoshiumi were deep into a heated argument that changed subjects about every sixty seconds, now mediated by Aran. Yaku’s face was nuzzled into the collar of his team Russia jacket. I unconsciously reached for my arm, fingertips brushing against the embroidery on the sleeve. Sakusa’s words came rushing back to me then.

Five rings. Five Olympic Rings.

Once I was back in bed at the hotel, I didn’t sleep despite how deperste my body was for rest. Tons and tons of questions flooded my mind, but none of them could take the form of coherent thought. Just recently, my entire future had been mapped out for me like a fail-proof plan. Compete here, earn this, train here, achieve that. All of it was one straightforward track that had only one outcome. Now, the peak of that mountain was hidden in fog. 

After combatting thoughts about my mother all day, I finally succumbed to the stress. This was all she ever wanted for me, the final battle she trained me for. There was a tiny, hesitant glint deep inside me, telling me that if I did this, then maybe, just maybe, I would be allowed in her life again. I would be allowed to be her son.

And what about my dad? It was even harder to avoid my thoughts about him. If I could speak to him now, for even thirty seconds, what would he say? Would he want me to pursue this, to not give up on my dream? 

_Was_ it still my dream?

A familiar guilt pressed down on me, the way it always did when I remember how my father was so fiercely supportive of me. Maybe I owed it to him, after all. He never gave up on me. Seeing his son returning to the Olympics would make him proud. But wouldn’t seeing me do something that felt wrong hurt him? 

These intrusive thoughts became overwhelming in an instant, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to be up way too early to be losing sleep over this right now. Mumbling my thanks to Suga for slipping things into my bag before I left, I grabbed a bottle of gummies. 

Thinking about him made me remember how much I wished he and Oikawa were here competing alongside me tonight. After taking the melatonin, I threw myself back into bed and let my brain power off.

——

Bokuto was not very happy with me when I told him I didn’t want him to go to the trouble of getting me from the airport. So naturally, I told him that my flight landed several hours earlier than it actually did to assure I’d be home before he even woke up. 

I stepped into my apartment at 9:00am and found his gym bag by the door. Bokuto had a habit of wandering to my apartment whenever he missed me, so at some point I’d just given him a key, because I didn’t mind whatsoever. Leaving my bags in the living room, I tiptoed into my bedroom.

I found Bokuto sprawled out in all his glory on my bed, limbs going everywhere and head snuggled into my pillow. The soft sound of his snores indicated he was still asleep. 

I came to the side of the bed, sitting on the edge near his head. My hand found its place in his hair, combing the unruly strands back so I could see his face. The poor athlete had games nonstop the entire week I was gone, there was no doubt he was exhausted. There was also no way I’d make him sacrifice sleep just to pick me up. Bokuto twitched, snuggled his face against my leg, and went back to snoring. 

Ugh. He was so freaking cute. How was this legal? 

I was about to kiss his forehead when an unceremonious growl ripped through my stomach, ruining the silent moment. Bokuto stirred, and I felt all the color drain from my face. I sat as still as a statue until he settled back down. 

Letting out a relieved sigh, I stood up to go get some food. I didn’t need my stomach causing anymore trouble today. However things usually don’t go my way anyway, and the mattress creaked when I stood. 

Bokuto’s eyes fluttered open, hazy and unfocused. It was too late to turn around now, so I simply said, “Good morning, Bokuto.”

“Mmmh, g’mornin,” Bokuto yawned, grunting into my pillow as he stretched his body. 

His mouth must’ve returned to reality much before his brain, because he picked his head up to look at me and froze. 

“Are you hungry?” I shrugged off my coat, tossing it onto my desk chair. “I picked up some food if you want—“

I didn’t have the chance to finish my thought, because a body was thrown onto me and I tumbled to the floor. I struggled and thrashed against him, but Bokuto caught both my wrists and easily pinned them over me head. 

He gawked at me like I’d just sprouted a new head, startled, “Akaashi, what the hell!?! You said your flight didn’t land until one!”

“I don’t believe that required you to body slam me,” I grunted. Bokuto released me when I asked, helping me to my feet. After being apart for a week, the feeling of his presence next to me we just too captivating not to give into. I missed him so much while I was gone, and wanted nothing more than to see his smile and show him what I’d achieved back in Russia. 

Without thinking, I grabbed his shirt and crashed our lips together. Bokuto didn’t hesitate, he caught me and pulled me against him. His hands slid up my back to my head, cradling it and tipping it slightly to deepen our kiss. I let him turn us around and didn’t fight when my legs hit the bed behind me.

Our lips never breaking, Bokuto lowered me onto the mattress and straddled me. His hands were busy, running up my sides, sliding through my hair. When they found my hips he squeezed them, the force pulling a gasp from me. Bokuto drove his tongue past my lips, the taste of him spreading across my mouth and making my head spin. 

Hands scrambling for purchase on his back, I moaned into the kiss. My hips bucked up against his without my permission, and Bokuto bit down on my bottom lip.

To my displeasure, he reluctantly pulled away, holding himself back for some reason. Bokuto looked down at me, eyes molten and hungry, but his kiss swollen lips curled into the biggest smile. 

“Akaashi,” He groaned, head falling onto my chest. He relaxed against me, “I missed you so much.”

“I missed you too,” I wrapped my arms around him, stroking the back of his hair. Sudden lust aside, it was the truth, and I cared much more about him than any physical satisfaction. “I came home early to surprise you. Your favorite breakfast is waiting in the kitchen.”

Bokuto rolled us onto our sides so he could properly hold me, wrapping his limbs around me and pulling me in. “Food can wait,” he said in between kisses to my cheeks. “I”—a kiss to my forehead,—“Need”—a kiss to my lips,—“Cuddles.”

“Your wish is my command,” I giggled, half heartedly pushing him away, but not wanting him to stop. I caught his face between my hands to kiss him, and soon enough we became lost in each other again.

There was a lot I wanted to say, but just like breakfast, anything could wait for him.

——-

Later that week, after a rather laid-back practice session, Bokuto came to pick me up. Still in his clothes from practice, cheeks pink from the cold rink air, he kissed the top of my head and carried my things to his truck. 

“My apartment, or yours?” I asked, climbing into my seat. 

Bokuto shut my door and got into the driver’s side, flicking on the seat heaters. “If you’re not too tired, I actually had someplace else in mind?” He glanced at me, “I understand if you just want o head home though. I’m happy to go anywhere as long as I’m with you.”

“Well the feeling is mutual,” I laced our fingers together when his hand settled on my knee, squeezing. “What time do you have to be back tonight? You have a game to get ready for, you know.”

“I know! I’m so pumped, it’s a super important match,” Bokuto’s eyes flashed with excitement for a moment, as they always did when he talked about hockey. “And now that you’re back home, I think I’ll play even better. We’re gonna win for sure!”

I smiled at him, “You couldn’t keep me away from the game if you tried.” My fingers walked up his sleeve, hooking around the bracelet on his wrist. I rolled the smooth bead between the pads of my fingers. “I wouldn’t miss a chance to see such an amazing athlete play for the world.”

An unmistakable scarlet splashed across Bokuto’s face, and I nearly thought we crashed when he slammed on the brakes midway into a parking space. Dipping his head, he cleared his throat and straightened out like nothing had happened. 

Upon getting out of the car, I discovered that we’d stopped at a small park. The walking trails were abandoned, the only sound coming from an occasional whoosh of wind. 

“Step over here for a second.” Bokuto walked around the back of the truck and stood in front of the bed. He looked over his shoulder, as if making sure I was still paying attention, then folded back the black leather cover. 

I gasped a little when I saw what was underneath. The truck bed was covered in layers of thick sleeping bags like a makeshift-mattress. There was an impressive tower of pillows and blankets waiting for us in one corner, and in the other, a picnic basket. 

“I know I couldn’t be there for you in person when you won,” Bokuto pulled the basket forward, his back to me as he fumbled around inside of it. “But I still wanted to do a little something special for you.” When he found what he was looking for, Bokuto turned to face me. Clasped in both his hands, Bokuto held a bouquet bursting with roses out to me. He smiled, eyes warm in adoration, “You’ve probably heard this a million times already, but I wanted to say it myself. Congratulations, Akaashi. I’m so damn proud of you, you have no idea.”

“Bokuto...” my heart fluttered in my chest, all of my feelings for him threatening to spill out. He handed me the bouquet, “You didn’t have to do this for me.”

“I watched every second you were on screen,” he ignored me, taking a step closer, “I couldn’t look away.” Bokuto took my hand, lifting it up to his lips. “You pulled me right in and blew me away,” he kissed down my palm until he reached my wrist, and at that point I was about to combust. “You were the best out there, but that’s no surprise.”

“Did you...” I hesitated, pushing down how flustered he still made me from getting this close, “Did you see everything?”

The corner of his lip quirked up. “If you mean when you showed this,” he nosed against my bracelet, “Then yes I did, and I’d never wanted to kiss you so badly in my life.”

“You’re so damn cheesy, you know that?” Bokuto laughed, ignoring my embarrassed comments and pulling me in for a hug.

“Don’t act like you don’t like it,” he kissed the corner of my mouth, then pulled back a little, a more serious expression on his face. “But seriously, congratulations, Kaashi. I bragged about you to the team all the next day, they were so annoyed with me but I didn’t care,” he bumped his forehead against mine, “I’ll brag about you any day, to anyone.”

“You’re so embarrassing sometimes,” I felt myself pout, shoving him playfully and dragging us up onto the truck bed. Once we were settled, I leaned in and kissed him. “Thank you, Bokuto. You have no idea how much that means coming from you.”

We ate lunch together, shielded by blankets from the cold and enjoying each other’s company. I would be the first to admit that I was still recovering from Russia, but Bokuto never complained, having plenty of things to talk about to keep the conversation moving on his own. When he brought up possibilities about the Olympics and I tripped up, he read me like a book and changed the subject without being asked to. I was so grateful for how considerate he was, and more often than not I enjoyed just listening to everything he had to say. 

“Your ticket will be waiting for you at the gate tomorrow, so you’ll just have to find your seat. Oh, that reminds me! Do you still want to come to the party? I know you don’t normally like stuff like that, so it’s no pressure if you’re not up for it.”

“I almost forgot about that,” I conceded, setting down my plate. “But... I think I still want to go. Besides, if you and the guys get too rowdy I’ll just go meet your mom and Sou for dinner.”

Bokuto wrinkled his nose, making me laugh. “You’re really gonna abandon your beloved boyfriend for his mom? I’m hurt, Akaashi!” he teased.

“Oh, stop it, you’re too cute for your own good. Come here,” Bokuto begrudgingly leaned in and accepted my affection, rubbing his cheek against mine, “I’ll be there.”

“If at any point you get uncomfortable, just say the word and I’ll be there,” Bokuto picked up my plate and scooted closer. “I’ll shut the whole thing down if that’s what you want.”

“Don’t be silly, it’s going to be a lot of fun.” I’d be lying if I said a house party full of hockey players didn’t scare me a little bit, but I’d never say that to his face. Even though it wasn’t my scene, I wasn’t about to ruin such an important night for him. “You won’t need to shut anything down, I promise.”

“Party aside, can I ask you something Kaashi?”

I opened my mouth and accepted the bite of food he held out for me, motioning for him to continue as I chewed. 

“I want you to stay the night with me after.”

Tilting my head, I swallowed and wiped my mouth with my napkin, “Isn’t that already a given? Were you not planning on going home together?”

“Of course it was, but...” Bokuto looked at me, and the way his eyes darkened made my heart stall, sent a shiver down my spine. “I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just... want you.”

Suddenly, that damn party couldn’t come any faster. 

But if I knew Bokuto, one of the things he loved most was a good challenge. A risky, teasing idea popped into my head.

“Win your game tomorrow.”

“Huh?” Bokuto looked at me, confusion surfacing. 

I don’t know how I did it, but I managed a full-on _smirk_ without breaking eye contact. I leaned back on my hands and threw my legs right over his lap, enjoying the way he tensed up just a little too much. 

Just _who_ did I think I was? This new bout of confidence wasn’t something I was used to.

“If you win your game tomorrow night, you can do whatever you want to me.” 

He eyed me, brows raising, “...anything?”

As if to prove my point, I curled my legs around his waist, pulling myself closer, “Anything. So, what do you say?”

I already knew the moment that I’d said it, Bokuto accepted my challenge. I was just waiting to see how long he’d let me play these games, and I’m glad I did.

Hands coming down to my hips, he hoisted me into his lap, making me yelp and grab onto his shoulder for support. Our eyes met when he looked up at me, irises swirling with an intoxicating mix of competitiveness and desire. 

“I hope you’re ready, because I don’t lose.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did I promise something last chapter? yes:)
> 
> did I completely change my mind and move it to the next chapter? also yes❤️
> 
> pleaaase don’t hate me y’all🥺
> 
> and yes, I am a total sap. sorry not sorry about this chapter:)))

**Author's Note:**

> do not judge me, y'all. i was a figure skater for a while, then i saw some fanart, and, well, this was born. hope yall enjoy!
> 
> HEY!! NOTE!!!
> 
> So just a little background about me- ever since I was really young, I’ve struggled with really severe ocd. Ocd is not about making your desk super neat or color coding. The only way I can describe it is pure mental agony. One of my strongest ticks comes from symmetrical ocd- where I have to touch and do things in an even or symmetrical way. Please don’t poke fun about this topic- anyone else who has gone through this struggle knows just how destructive it can be.
> 
> A very special thank-you goes out to all of the people that are still commenting and haven’t given up on this work. I’m so grateful for you all, and I’m so happy to be celebrating 8k hits!! I know I say this all the time, but seriously, thank you all so much. It means so much more than you’d think❤️


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